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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Dragon123

Marrying Less "traditional" Women

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A lot of this post is more personal/cultural over religious.  Although religion should be a primary factor in selecting a spouse, compatibility on others levels are important too.

 

 

A man questioned the Prophet of Islam (s.a.w.s.), “Whom must we marry?”

He replied, “The suitable (matches).”

“Who are the suitable matches?”

The Prophet (s.a.) responded, “Some of the faithfuls are match for others.”

 

While there a lot of intangible qualities we look for and experience during a relationship, a lot guys (and girls) look for "traditional" wife/motherly/cultural qualities as well.

 

How do you guys feel about the following aspects of a women if she lacks some of these "traditional" qualities?

 

1. Career oriented and seeks fulfillment in the work place.

2. Has no skills or desire to be a traditional housewife. Cannot cook or clean. Has relied on parents/society for such things.

3. Emotionally cutoff. Does not readily express or communicate emotions. Will keep things bottled up inside or not sure how to express them.

4. Is not the affectionate/nurturing type. More logical and less sentimental in thinking.

5. Very independent. Does not depend on husband and others for fulfillment.

6. Outgoing and active. Does not want to stay at the home. Constantly planning new activities to do.

 

Are some of them positives or negatives? How important are the above qualities to you? Input from married people are especially appreciated.

Edited by Dragon123

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This was seriously the most depressing and cringing article I've ever read.  On so many levels.  The kind that actually gives a visceral reaction. 

 

Maybe I'll dissect and explain why later, I need to take a walk.

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A lot of this post is more personal/cultural over religious.  Although religion should be a primary factor in selecting a spouse, compatibility on others levels are important too.

 

 

While there a lot of intangible qualities we look for and experience during a relationship, a lot guys (and girls) look for "traditional" wife/motherly/cultural qualities as well.

 

How do you guys feel about the following aspects of a women if she lacks some of these "traditional" qualities?

 

1. Career oriented and seeks fulfillment in the work place.

2. Has no skills or desire to be a traditional housewife. Cannot cook or clean. Has relied on parents/society for such things.

3. Emotionally cutoff. Does not readily express or communicate emotions. Will keep things bottled up inside or not sure how to express them.

4. Is not the affectionate/nurturing type. More logical and less sentimental in thinking.

5. Very independent. Does not depend on husband and others for fulfillment.

6. Outgoing and active. Does not want to stay at the home. Constantly planning new activities to do.

 

Are some of them positives or negatives? How important are the above qualities to you? Input from married people are especially appreciated.

 

And what positive qualities would such a person have? They are good looking? Funny?

 

How can a person marry a person like this?

 

These things don't have much to do with being "traditional"

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1. No

2. NO

3. NOooo

4. No

5. Hmmm..okay No. A husband should depend on his wife for some things and a wife should depend on her husband for some things.

6. NO

Yeah I meant at least she is not the needy clingy type. Edited by starlight

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3. No way, I have to know what's going on with her in life.

4. If she's not affectionate and doesn't express that's a problem.. you won't have anyone to lean on or feel good and loved.

Rest are just plain no's

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1. Career oriented and seeks fulfillment in the work place.

2. Has no skills or desire to be a traditional housewife. Cannot cook or clean. Has relied on parents/society for such things.

3. Emotionally cutoff. Does not readily express or communicate emotions. Will keep things bottled up inside or not sure how to express them.

4. Is not the affectionate/nurturing type. More logical and less sentimental in thinking.

5. Very independent. Does not depend on husband and others for fulfillment.

6. Outgoing and active. Does not want to stay at the home. Constantly planning new activities to do.

 

Are some of them positives or negatives? How important are the above qualities to you? Input from married people are especially appreciated.

 

1. It's okay to be career-oriented and seek fulfillment in the workplace. There's nothing wrong with that as long as there is balance in life and it's not to the point of neglecting family (this goes for guys, too).

2. Your wife is not your maid! As long as she contributes to the household in some way (although Islamically she doesn't have to cook/clean, but that's another story). If she doesn't like to cook but the husband does-- seems like a match made in heaven.

3. Being emotionally distant is undesirable any any spouse, whether husband or wife. A "traditional" housewife is just as capable of being emotionally distant.

4. Anyone, regardless of profession or gender can lack the nurturing quality.

5. Independence is a good thing.

6. She sounds like fun!

 

It's a fallacy to paint an ambitious, career-oriented women as a cold, harsh creature lacking affection! Anyone can be like that, even that "traditional" girl you marry.

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It's a fallacy to paint an ambitious, career-oriented women as a cold, harsh creature lacking affection!

 

This is the assertion the article itself is making.  Not only that, but they're saying this can be part of a healthy, constructive relationship.

 

Our antennae should be detecting something more insidious here. 

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One of the problems with my post is obviously defining traditional and what that entails. "Traditional" means something different to different people. I am not interested in coming up with a definition really but I did address specifics. I have not defined them as good or bad a priori either as some here would seem to suggest.

 

Also, the article magma is addressing got edited out earlier but I couldn't put it back in for some reason. Here is is again. I think its extreme in some ways but spot on in other ways:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/relationship-emotionally-unavilable-woman/820429/

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1. Career oriented and seeks fulfillment in the work place.

2. Has no skills or desire to be a traditional housewife. Cannot cook or clean. Has relied on parents/society for such things.

3. Emotionally cutoff. Does not readily express or communicate emotions. Will keep things bottled up inside or not sure how to express them.

4. Is not the affectionate/nurturing type. More logical and less sentimental in thinking.

5. Very independent. Does not depend on husband and others for fulfillment.

6. Outgoing and active. Does not want to stay at the home. Constantly planning new activities to do.

 

Are some of them positives or negatives? How important are the above qualities to you? Input from married people are especially appreciated.

 

The only one in your list that i see as intrinsically negative is 3. Maybe there are people who dont mind partners who are emotionally cut off, but i dont think its a healthy way to be.

 

With regard to the others, seeking satisfaction in the workplace is normal. Whether youre working to survive or working as a vocation and exercise in self development, people's jobs can be hugely fulfilling and productive. If you want a wife that doesnt work then thats obviously a quality youre not going to be interested in.

 

Homing making skills can be learnt and have to be learnt, not enjoying such activities or being adept at them is not a moral flaw. If you want a wife who has a passion for cooking however then your probably going to take it into consideration.

 

Logic is a positive surely, but it doesnt have to be at the expense of affection. Thats usually something women accuse men of (and men accuse women of being too emotional and irrational!). 'Too logical' or 'too emotional' is subjective. If youre a person who enjoys a lot of tactile affection then youre probably going to find a not overtly affectionate woman very frustrating to be with. Some men wouldnt mind that so much though.

 

Not depending on someone for your fulfillment is actually a very positive and healthy goal imo. In relationships it can cause dischord if theres a big difference between independence levels though. If you need someone to need you (and the vast majority of us seem to find comfort in that) then a very independent person is probably going to seem quite distant and maybe even threatening. Many people would actually really appreciate that quality though and be striving for it themselves also.

 

Being outgoing and active is usually considered a positive thing, especially in the US it seems, but I think this quality has a strong cultural componant to it, particularly with regards to women. Some societies are percieved as being more dangerous by the people in them than other societies, and for that reason a husband might be anxious about his wife being out and about all over the place, especially if these activities are without a companion or guardian. In others cultures it would seem less threatening however and husbands may even encourage it, particularly if they have a time consuming hobbies themselves.

Edited by Ruq

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