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Inner Peace

Friendships And Loneliness

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Salam Alaykum, 

 

I've been facing a couple problems and decided to post on here for some advice. I've grown up in the west and relative to my surroundings with the help of Allah alhamdulilAllah I haven't had much difficulty. The past couple years I've had issues with friendships and I feel lonely often. I'm very social person but I don't have any deep friendships and that has a lot to do with religion. The area I live in is very Muslim dense and when I was younger it was great having so many friends around with similar interests. However, now that I'm 19, unfortunately, most of those muslim friends have changed, a lot of them are still hijabi girls but aren't quite religious. So there is a natural drift because they know I'm not into many things that are quite haram. My non-muslim friends are great but they obviously party/drink for social events and I can't join. I feel like it's so difficult to have any close friends just simply because I refuse to do many activities they're involved in. Sometimes I feel so lonely when everyone is going out. Actually, I feel lonely quite often. I'm starting to question if it's even worth staying religious in this society (I'm not super religious but I know my borders). I feel like I'm not having enough fun and all my muslim and non-muslim friends bring that up all the time. I feel lonely all the time because I feel so different. I'm looking for any advice from anyone? Has anyone been in the same situation?

 

 

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Wa aleikum assalam,

 

I am sorry to hear of your situation and that you feel lonely like this.

If it is any comfort, know that you are not alone in that kind of loneliness, especially living in the west.

 

I think you should start looking for new friends, I am sure there are more sisters like you who put their religion first always, it is hard to find them but it is worth the search once you do.

I think the best thing would be to find a good husband, then you will not feel alone again and he will inshaAllah always put your religion in the center of your relationship and not ask you to do something that does not go well with it.

 

The fun of this world is nothing, even the most fun thing you can find will become boring, it is just a matter of time. To leave your faith or parts of it to achieve some temporary fun, it is not wroth it and you already know that because you are smarter than that.

 

I will make dua for you.

 

When you say your hijabi friends are not so religious, what do you mean more specifically? What do they do that you do not do?

Edited by IbnSina

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salam 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I have some sad news for you, it doesn't get any better as you get older.

No matter how many wives you have, or how many kids and grandkids :Allah swt bless you with, i still feel so lonely even at the age of 59.

No matter how many friends you have or how much money you make or even if you spend most of your time travelling around the world.

That feeling of emptiness eats away at you, you stay up many nights crying because there's something missing in your life, something significant.

You long for this feeling deep inside you to pass, because no matter where you are or who are you with, it doesn't go away.

No one can fill this emptiness and make this loneliness go, except our true love, the one and only :Al-hujjat atf.

But he is hidden and away for an appointed time, and this is killing me inside.

I cannot bear this any longer, I miss him so much.

Only this man can make me happy again and fill this loneliness I have felt all my life.

As shias we all feel this because our master is away from us.

We are hopeless and useless without him.

All I can say to you sister is be patient and be ready for him as he has promised us that he will return.

We unite in this loneliness of waiting and in this we find comfort. 

You are not alone in your loneliness sister, we are all lonely too without him.

Edited by :Sami II

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Yes, I live in fasad-society. I can't really find a good person.

I usually speak with others in non-haraam ways. For example I may take a walk with my non-Muslim friend. Try doing that.

And remember that ahlul fasad will not please God. Stick to God and ask him for guidance.

Now, if you have a mosque etc. Try go there and see if there are some believers.

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Salam ,

 

The fact is, that in this dunya, there are very few people who are concerned with obeying Allah(s.w.a), with the akhira and doing what is right.

That is the nature of this world, and it's probably not going to change. It's best to just accept it for what it is.

 

The difference between the muslim countries and the West is that in muslim countries most people pray, fast, don't drink, etc, because everyone around them is doing these things (and also in many muslim countries alcohol and drugs are illegal ) and so there is a huge amount of social pressure to do these things, even if their belief in the value of them is not firm.

 

You may have been with a group of young people who followed the religion only out of pressure from their parents. Now you're getting to an age where this pressure is starting to diminish so you see the real character of these people who you thought were so religious and it turns out that they are not what you thought they were. Some of them are 'experimenting' and may come back to practicing the religion at a later time and some are lost forever. But ultimately and truly it is their choice, You only have control over what you do, and not what other people do. You can be a positive influence on them, but in fact you cannot decide for them.

 

IMO, it is better to find a few friends who are at the same level as you, in terms of practicing the religion, than to have many friends who are not and may be a bad influence on you. Your soul is the most important possession you have, and you should acquaint yourself with hardship (including loneliness) in order to preserve it. Everything has a price, and the price of Paradise is hardship in the path of Allah(s.w.a). Salam.

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Go and do some volunteering work, it should keep you busy, without having to consult in ideas that you feel is inappropriate. Extroverts tend to get depressed if their social life is broken, where as introverts loath being in social situations for too long. why do you think people use SC....... no fwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwiendssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, just google forever alone memes.

Edited by monad

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Salam Alaykum, 

 

I've been facing a couple problems and decided to post on here for some advice. I've grown up in the west and relative to my surroundings with the help of Allah alhamdulilAllah I haven't had much difficulty. The past couple years I've had issues with friendships and I feel lonely often. I'm very social person but I don't have any deep friendships and that has a lot to do with religion. The area I live in is very Muslim dense and when I was younger it was great having so many friends around with similar interests. However, now that I'm 19, unfortunately, most of those muslim friends have changed, a lot of them are still hijabi girls but aren't quite religious. So there is a natural drift because they know I'm not into many things that are quite haram. My non-muslim friends are great but they obviously party/drink for social events and I can't join. I feel like it's so difficult to have any close friends just simply because I refuse to do many activities they're involved in. Sometimes I feel so lonely when everyone is going out. Actually, I feel lonely quite often. I'm starting to question if it's even worth staying religious in this society (I'm not super religious but I know my borders). I feel like I'm not having enough fun and all my muslim and non-muslim friends bring that up all the time. I feel lonely all the time because I feel so different. I'm looking for any advice from anyone? Has anyone been in the same situation?

Do you have any personal interests ?

i am a friend-less person but that's my nature and I'm quiet fine with it but it always help to have something you like to do. During learning or doing things you like, you will meet people , many of them will be col for short conversations, some maybe good acquaintance and few might strike your life as life long friends.

 

Are you crafty person? I love crafty people, i can get along with them in matter of minutes. Mind you, being young and bored isn't good honestly, don't fell in that trap.

Just say : ok , lets try this, what can we lose?

you will see wonders lol, but keep an eye on your education, don't fell into clumsiness and recklessness.

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Sorry for the late reply, I appreciate everyone's posts and wanted to reflect on your advice and reply properly.

 

@thuglife Thank you for taking time out and replying in depth. I'm working on making my connection greater with Allah. I've realized that friends often change people for the worst and I've seen that happen to my friends and sibling. I've been a social person my whole life and kids usually have much more in common and less troubles so it's been tough making that change from childhood/preteen to late teens/adulthood. It's funny everyone thinks I'm the biggest extrovert when I'm truly an introvert, all my friendships are surface level. I just have to work on that bond with Allah. Any suggestions? Yes, I've read and watched the Great Gatsby, you're right sometimes things aren't what they seem in other people's lives. It's crazy the older I get the more I realize the benefits of the Quran. I took your advice and read Surah Yousef yesterday, that ayat resonated with me so well that it felt like I was reading it for the first time, something just clicked. I really needed that reassurance from the Quran so thank you for your suggestion. A hug sounds perfect but getting married is much easier said than done, whole process of it's own and it's hard to find anyone when you're young. 

@IbnSina Thank you for your prayers. You're right, I'm sure there are many more Muslims like me just hard to find. Multiple Shia mosques where I live, I think I might start going to a different mosque, it's really weird because we have so many mosques in my area but none of them are english speaking mosques. An english speaking mosque would be so beneficial for the youth here. I'll have to go for the purpose of making new friends rather than the program. Maybe I'll try to get involved with different mosques' youth group because usually the youth speak english.

Even if I wanted to my conscious wouldn't let me do harram, it's just difficult coping with loneliness.
Pretty much they're all experimenting with everything western youth are usually involved in. Aside from the haram activities, even when we go out for lunch I'm usually left out of conversations because it all focuses around stuff I'm not involved in. Getting married young is ideal but unfortunately not very common because our society and muslim community just don't have their priorities set right. 

 

@:SamiII It's sad to hear that it's just going to get worst. Friends or no friends that emptiness cannot be replaced until his reappearance. However, I don't think you should look at the world in that manner, all we can do is make dua for his reappearance but until then we need to live. Let's try to be more optimistic in this world and not look back at our life with regret.

@AbuHadi It makes me so sad accepting that. You're right Islamic countries just have a different atmosphere but at least now I know I'm not following Islam blindly. However, there are several values I learnt here that I wouldn't have learnt in an Islamic country. You couldn't have said it any better. It's just weird because we were all very similar in religion and everything, it's so shocking to see the change. Most are experimenting, but I just avoid this experimenting stuff because it's really risky. Not much of a risk taker and I try to limit my mistakes because don't want to live in regret. I think I'm just going to have to part ways with my current friend groups. After refusing offers to do stuff they don't really ask me to do anything with them either. Any suggestions on how to strengthen the bond with Allah (other than the obvious performing of wajibats)?

@monad Maybe all SC users should move to an island and start our own country? We'll call it the no longer forever alone country.

@chaoticmuslem I have tons of personal interests but not can't find many people with the same interests. I'm starting to get use to this no close friends thing. I feel like most of my friends are people to have casual conversations with and nothing more. Nope not crafty at all, I really lack in the artistic department. At this moment, I put all my effort into academics because I guess it's the only thing I have going for me right now.  

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salam 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I have some sad news for you, it doesn't get any better as you get older.

No matter how many wives you have, or how many kids and grandkids :Allah swt bless you with, i still feel so lonely even at the age of 59.

No matter how many friends you have or how much money you make or even if you spend most of your time travelling around the world.

That feeling of emptiness eats away at you, you stay up many nights crying because there's something missing in your life, something significant.

You long for this feeling deep inside you to pass, because no matter where you are or who are you with, it doesn't go away.

No one can fill this emptiness and make this loneliness go, except our true love, the one and only :Al-hujjat atf.

But he is hidden and away for an appointed time, and this is killing me inside.

I cannot bear this any longer, I miss him so much.

Only this man can make me happy again and fill this loneliness I have felt all my life.

As shias we all feel this because our master is away from us.

We are hopeless and useless without him.

All I can say to you sister is be patient and be ready for him as he has promised us that he will return.

We unite in this loneliness of waiting and in this we find comfort. 

You are not alone in your loneliness sister, we are all lonely too without him.

 

Hopelessness and despair is the second biggest sin in Islam. You have a disease.

Sorry for the late reply, I appreciate everyone's posts and wanted to reflect on your advice and reply properly.

 

@thuglife Thank you for taking time out and replying in depth. I'm working on making my connection greater with Allah. I've realized that friends often change people for the worst and I've seen that happen to my friends and sibling. I've been a social person my whole life and kids usually have much more in common and less troubles so it's been tough making that change from childhood/preteen to late teens/adulthood. It's funny everyone thinks I'm the biggest extrovert when I'm truly an introvert, all my friendships are surface level. I just have to work on that bond with Allah. Any suggestions? Yes, I've read and watched the Great Gatsby, you're right sometimes things aren't what they seem in other people's lives. It's crazy the older I get the more I realize the benefits of the Quran. I took your advice and read Surah Yousef yesterday, that ayat resonated with me so well that it felt like I was reading it for the first time, something just clicked. I really needed that reassurance from the Quran so thank you for your suggestion. A hug sounds perfect but getting married is much easier said than done, whole process of it's own and it's hard to find anyone when you're young. 

You're welcome.

Remember that Allah swt allows temporary marriage (mutah). Permanent marriage may be difficult, and Alla swt allows mutah.

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Remember that Allah swt allows temporary marriage (mutah). Permanent marriage may be difficult, and Alla swt allows mutah.

 

Mutah has its own complications and I just don't see the benefits of putting effort in a relationship with no future. Obviously, this is different in the case of mutah to get to know each other for permanent marriage. Nothing wrong with mutah it's just not for me. 

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O' Lord! Thou art aware of my weakness to bear even a minor affliction of this world and its consequence and adversity affecting the denizen of this earth, although such afflictions are momentary, short-lived and transient

How then can I bear the retributions and the punishments of the hereafter which are enormous and of intensive sufferings, of prolonged period and perpetual duration, and which shall never be alleviated for those who deserve the same as those retributions will be the result of Thy wrath; and Thy punishment which neither the heavens nor the earth can withstand and bear!

My Lord! How can I, a weak, insignificant, humble, poor and destitute creature of Thine be able to bear them?

O' my God! My Lord! My King! And Master! Which of the matters shall I complain to Thee and for which of them shall I bewail and weep?

Shall I bewail for the pains and pangs of the punishment and their intensity or for the length of sufferings and their duration?

Therefore (my Lord!) If Thou wilt subject me to the penalties (of hell) in company of Thy enemies and cast me with those who merited Thy punishments and tear me apart from Thy friends and those who will be near to Thee, then my God, my Lord and my Master, though I may patiently bear Thy punishments, how can I calmly accept being kept away from Thee?

 

I reckon that though I may patiently endure the scorching fire of Thy hell, yet how can I resign myself to the denial of Thy pity and clemency? How can I remain in the fire while I have hopes of Thy forgiveness?

(Dua a Kumayl)

 

I am not in despair of the mercy of :Allah swt, it is this mercy that enables me to know my :Al-Hujjat atf , to be able to love him and to miss him intensely to the point of feeling sick and desperate.

I am hopeful that he has answered my :Duas that I will meet him soon and that I will be his cook inshallah.

I am hopeful that one of my kids or grandkids will be amongst his 313.

I am hopeful that a young good brother like you will also be amongst his 313 inshallah.

What else is there in life to be more hopeful for and what else is there in life to be in utter despair then not to be amongst his 313?

Edited by :Sami II

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O' Lord! Thou art aware of my weakness to bear even a minor affliction of this world and its consequence and adversity affecting the denizen of this earth, although such afflictions are momentary, short-lived and transient

How then can I bear the retributions and the punishments of the hereafter which are enormous and of intensive sufferings, of prolonged period and perpetual duration, and which shall never be alleviated for those who deserve the same as those retributions will be the result of Thy wrath; and Thy punishment which neither the heavens nor the earth can withstand and bear!

My Lord! How can I, a weak, insignificant, humble, poor and destitute creature of Thine be able to bear them?

O' my God! My Lord! My King! And Master! Which of the matters shall I complain to Thee and for which of them shall I bewail and weep?

Shall I bewail for the pains and pangs of the punishment and their intensity or for the length of sufferings and their duration?

Therefore (my Lord!) If Thou wilt subject me to the penalties (of hell) in company of Thy enemies and cast me with those who merited Thy punishments and tear me apart from Thy friends and those who will be near to Thee, then my God, my Lord and my Master, though I may patiently bear Thy punishments, how can I calmly accept being kept away from Thee?

 

I reckon that though I may patiently endure the scorching fire of Thy hell, yet how can I resign myself to the denial of Thy pity and clemency? How can I remain in the fire while I have hopes of Thy forgiveness?

(Dua a Kumayl)

 

I am not in despair of the mercy of :Allah swt, it is this mercy that enables me to know my :Al-Hujjat atf , to be able to love him and to miss him intensely to the point of feeling sick and desperate.

I am hopeful that he has answered my :Duas that I will meet him soon and that I will be his cook inshallah.

I am hopeful that one of my kids or grandkids will be amongst his 313.

I am hopeful that a young good brother like you will also be amongst his 313 inshallah.

What else is there in life to be more hopeful for and what else is there in life to be in utter despair then not to be amongst his 313?

 

Nothing from what you posted from Dua Kumail has anything to do with what you are saying, especially the bold.

 

You expressed hopelessness. 

 

"If I'm not in the 313, I'm in utter despair."

 

What you are saying is outside the bounds of Islam. Especially the post telling the OP "It's all going to get worse."

 

You need to correct the disease in your heart.

 

Real Shia have a close connection with Imam Mehdi AS. They don't have despair, like you.

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Nothing from what you posted from Dua Kumail has anything to do with what you are saying, especially the bold.

 

You expressed hopelessness. 

 

"If I'm not in the 313, I'm in utter despair."

 

What you are saying is outside the bounds of Islam. Especially the post telling the OP "It's all going to get worse."

 

You need to correct the disease in your heart.

 

Real Shia have a close connection with Imam Mehdi AS. They don't have despair, like you.

do you believe you will be one of the 313 ?

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Do you have any personal interests ?

I agree with CM finding an interest to keep you busy is very important. You could join a book club or take academic science classes for fun. Why not try a new activity like sports?

I have tons of personal interests but not can't find many people with the same interests

What about social networks? if you use them in the right way you'll gain a lot of online friends. For example you can create a blog about your interest or an Instagram page dedicated to quotes/hadiths of Ahlulbayt

Most are experimenting, but I just avoid this experimenting stuff because it's really risky.

I know what you mean. I have (muslim and non-muslim) friends who do haram things. But that doesn't stop me from befriending them. My best non-muslim friend from high school turned out to be an alcoholic and she tried to take her life twice due to major depression. I don't meet her often but sometimes she calls to talk about her addiction. I try my best to help her and listen to her problems.

Another friend of mine, a young hijabi muslim girl who I thought was religious but recently found out she's having Muta (through phone) with a rich muslim married man just for the sake of earning extra money and getting attention. Her parents don't know about this.

I told her what she was doing is haram but she refuses to listen to me.

Anyway, since you live in the west you'll see many haram things happening around you. Just as you mentioned some of your friends will try to get you involved in haram activities, but please don't listen to them. Stay strong! You're still young and have a bright future awaiting you... keep yourself busy with studies, books, reading....

and if you feel very lonely write in SC! It's the best shia-forum on the net.

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Salam ,

Since you seem the academic type I have a great gift for you to have a better connection with Allah.

These brief , simple but amazing audio files will help you be lonely free Insha Allah ! It truly helped me :)

Now i just prefer being alone with Allah , Alhamdulilah !

"Hadith Qudsi, "Those that remember Me ( Allah ) in their heart, I remember them in My heart; and those that remember Me in a gathering (i.e. that make mention of Me), I remember them (i.e. make mention of them) in a gathering better than theirs."

----------

What is Zikr ( rememberence / reminder) :

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wc2utla34y2yq5x/zikr.mp3?dl=0

What is the wisdom behind the words and actions in Salat:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/8ymcx93ivqs6e1r/azan-namaz.mp3?dl=0

What is the wisdom of wudhu:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/9j8pzdb2qq0zxdc/wisdom-of-wudhu.mp3?dl=0

If you want more amazing files let me know :)

Wasalam

Edited by tendersoul

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Salam Alaykum, 

 

I've been facing a couple problems and decided to post on here for some advice. I've grown up in the west and relative to my surroundings with the help of Allah alhamdulilAllah I haven't had much difficulty. The past couple years I've had issues with friendships and I feel lonely often. I'm very social person but I don't have any deep friendships and that has a lot to do with religion. The area I live in is very Muslim dense and when I was younger it was great having so many friends around with similar interests. However, now that I'm 19, unfortunately, most of those muslim friends have changed, a lot of them are still hijabi girls but aren't quite religious. So there is a natural drift because they know I'm not into many things that are quite haram. My non-muslim friends are great but they obviously party/drink for social events and I can't join. I feel like it's so difficult to have any close friends just simply because I refuse to do many activities they're involved in. Sometimes I feel so lonely when everyone is going out. Actually, I feel lonely quite often. I'm starting to question if it's even worth staying religious in this society (I'm not super religious but I know my borders). I feel like I'm not having enough fun and all my muslim and non-muslim friends bring that up all the time. I feel lonely all the time because I feel so different. I'm looking for any advice from anyone? Has anyone been in the same situation?

 

Im 18 now and in the exact same situation brother exact same but what i constantly do is remember this which i thought in my head. Imagine i asked you to move your finger, thats all just move a body part a nanometer, and i would give you everything in the world you possibly wanted. Thats the offer Allah has offered us, remain steadfast for ~100 years or so, and in return live forever in infinite bliss. now how is it the same? well put 100 up against infinity and infinity will be an infinite times better right? so no matter how much we go through now, Jannah will always be infinitely number of times better! Hope this analogy helps

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It wont work, there will be more guys then girls.

 

Wasn't aware of the SC demographic. 

 

I agree with CM finding an interest to keep you busy is very important. You could join a book club or take academic science classes for fun. Why not try a new activity like sports? What about social networks? if you use them in the right way you'll gain a lot of online friends.

 

I'm usually pretty busy during the academic year just gets lonely ever once in a while. I'm in science at university if anything I have to switch it up and take lighter courses for fun. Sports is probably a good idea. I think I'll try and get involved with sports, teams are a nice non-academic activity. I don't have a problem with making friends, it's a problem with making good true friends. So with social network/online friends I don't know how deep the friendships can be (no idea if that makes any sense). 

 

@tendersoul I'll listen to the files. Thank you! 

@HayderM Anything helps! It's just the constant battle of reminding myself of that. Thank you.

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Salam sister

Im in the same situation and it can feel terrible at times but you can see it as a blessing and use it to your advantage by using it to get closer to Allah (swt) and the Imam of our time (af). Never forget that they are always with you no matter what and that they will understand your situation without you needing to explain it. The Imam (af) is always there for you to talk to just like others would talk to a best friend.

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My situation is kinda like yours. . Get close to god.

I personally just say this is what Allah wants and I take the time to better my self when alone

I work out

Pick up new hobbies (anything)

Read quran

I try to spend as much time with my family

I like boxing so I watch alot of that

just know your with Allah and everything is in Allah's plan. Your not alone I'm in the same situation.. Inshallah in time things will change for the better.

salam

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