Spouse Wants To Go To Mixed Gathering

[knowledgeseeker]

Salaam Alaykum, 

 

My spouse wants to go to a friends wedding reception. It will be a mixed gathering and will have alcohol too. I don't want to go. How to convince my spouse not to go either? It hurts me that my spouse is going to such a gathering. We will be attending the church wedding together. 

 

Kindly help.

 

Ma'salaam

[Qa'im]

wa `alaykum as-salaam,

 

It is actually haraam to sit on the same table where alcohol is being consumed. What would he say to this?

[notme]

Why try to convince him to not go? He is the one who has to weigh the feelings of his friends/family against the awkwardness of going to places where alcohol is being served. It is his decision.

Attending mixed gatherings is not haram. He should avoid sitting at a table where people have alcohol. Tell him why you feel the way you do, then accept and respect his decision.

[monad]

What is the real reason as to why he is going to such an invite?, close friend, work friend?, can he not tell his friend to put him on a table without alcohol?. How important is this friend of his in terms of " the world of work". Discuss the realistic issues instead of the usual emotional nonsense.

 

 

It is actually haraam to sit on the same table where alcohol is being consumed. What would he say to this?

And how many muslims who live in western societies have had to attend work parties where alcohol was being served. And where do you think the Islamic  institutions get money ( donations ) from?, the same individuals who sat where alcohol was being served.

Edited July 6, 2015 by monad

[Chaotic Muslem]

If I'm getting this right, you both will attend the church but you dont feel comfortable in the gathering of dancing, music, close contact with females with less skin covered and if you are hijabi then this will add to the awkwardness ?

I won't attend it either.

Alternatively, you can negotiate on making your stay brief if possible. If his friend is true friend, he will respect his friends reservations

[Reza]

Every table is going to have alcohol.  Probably glasses of wine I bet. 

[notme]

Every table is going to have alcohol. Probably glasses of wine I bet.

Not necessarily. And even if it does, he can remain standing.

[mina]

If there will be a certain type of music,then it doesn’t matter wether he sits or stands in that gathering...it remains haram due to the music.

[notme]

If there will be a certain type of music,then it doesn’t matter wether he sits or stands in that gathering...it remains haram due to the music.

It is not haram to go to places where music is being played.

I acknowledge that it will be awkward for him if he attends. I said that already. But he isn't doing anything haram by going. If it will hurt the friend's feelings for him not to go, he might want to go just for the sake of friendship.

As I said before, his wife should explain the reasons she doesn't want him to go. He will listen to her and consider her opinion. Ultimately, he must decide for himself. Real friends are worth enduring some discomfort for - and so is his wife.

[mina]

It is not haram to go to places where music is being played.

It depends on the type of music and the marja he has.

[Guest silasun]

It depends on the type of music and the marja he has.

Sister, out of interest does Ayat. Khamenei forbid going to places where haram music is being played if a person does not pay attention to it? Because he says the rule of hearing and listening to music are different.

 

I'm pretty certain he says the same as what sister Notme said but I'm not too sure

 

 

--------------

 

However OP if the music is very loud (i.e. the music is put there as entertainment) then it is definitely not allowed to be there when that music is being played. 

 

From what I understand according to Ayat. Sistani you can attend if you do not listen to the haraam music (this might be if it is there as a background and is not very loud).

 

What you can do is attend at a time when there is no dancing or alcohol being served. You can give your friend the gift and then stay until the problematic stuff starts. 

[knowledgeseeker]

Salaam Alaykum, 

 

Thank you for your replies. i appreciate it. :)

Why try to convince him to not go? He is the one who has to weigh the feelings of his friends/family against the awkwardness of going to places where alcohol is being served. It is his decision.

Attending mixed gatherings is not haram. He should avoid sitting at a table where people have alcohol. Tell him why you feel the way you do, then accept and respect his decision.

I have tried to convince him not to go - and he knows that I will not be going because of music and alcohol. But he says he still wants to go because of his friendship. It saddens me to see him go.

 

@ silasun, its not only music but also alcohol will be served; It is a portugese wedding reception loll  [i forgot to mention that lol] 

wa `alaykum as-salaam,

 

It is actually haraam to sit on the same table where alcohol is being consumed. What would he say to this?

Unfortunately, he says that he does not see a problem with it as he is not going to drink! :O I don't know what to say.

 

Although it is both agreed that I won't attend and he is not forcing me to attend due to my beliefs! 

[Guest]

I don't know about the OP poster's family but what came to my mind was....how would the reverts deal with such a situation. They cannot refuse to attend family weddings especially of close family like siblings etc.

 

I personally think  the OP poster and her husband should go for a short while, they can attend the ceremony in the church... there is no alcohol being served during the ceremony and if there is a party afterwards they should excuse and leave. If the host is close friend, acquaintance they can always politely state the true reason why they are unable to attend  i,e religion prohibits them.

Sistani ruling :

 

 It is permissible to visit public places where music is being played, even if it is suitable for entertainment and amusement gatherings, provided that one does not intentionally listen to it: for example, passengers on course, waiting areas for visitors, public parks, restaurants and cafes, etc —even if the music played there is suitable for entertainment and amusement gatherings— because there is no problem in hearing forbidden tunes without intending to listen to it.

[mina]

@silasun, the places you mean which are also mentioned in the fatwa posted by starlight are about public places where we have no influence in turning the music off and in general the music is not that loud. But what I understood from the op it will be be mixed,with alc and probably loud music and dance like most weddings which are not held in an islamic way. And attending those gatherings is haram afaik.

267 – Rule: It is not allowed to go to gatherings in which there are vain and futile acts taking place, except in a case in which one will try to prevent the others from sin.

Therefore: It is not allowed to go to gatherings in which one knows that the people attending, or the hosts, will not practice the religion; or they may perform vain acts; or there is a mixed gathering in which the laws of the religion will not be observed, even if it is the wedding ceremony of a close relative.

268 – Rule: It is not allowed to go to gatherings in which there are vain and futile acts taking place, even if one knows that he or she will not become involved in something haram.

http://www.al-islam.org/code-ethics-muslim-men-and-women-sayyid-masud-masumi/rules-relating-marriage-and-its-ceremonies

When non muslim or 'liberal' muslim ppl marry which invite me, I attend the nikah and give my present, but do not attend the wedding party.

[Guest silasun]

Thanks a lot sister.

[Chaotic Muslem]

I don't know about the OP poster's family but what came to my mind was....how would the reverts deal with such a situation. They cannot refuse to attend family weddings especially of close family like siblings etc.

 

I personally think  the OP poster and her husband should go for a short while, they can attend the ceremony in the church... there is no alcohol being served during the ceremony and if there is a party afterwards they should excuse and leave. If the host is close friend, acquaintance they can always politely state the true reason why they are unable to attend  i,e religion prohibits them.Sistani ruling :

 

 It is permissible to visit public places where music is being played, even if it is suitable for entertainment and amusement gatherings, provided that one does not intentionally listen to it: for example, passengers on course, waiting areas for visitors, public parks, restaurants and cafes, etc —even if the music played there is suitable for entertainment and amusement gatherings— because there is no problem in hearing forbidden tunes without intending to listen to it.

Sister, that ruling is regarding public places . Public places are hard to avoid. But there is I think a ruling regarding weddings with haram music in Muslim community, where attending such wedding means encouragement and being pleased with their act.

I am not saying this applies to this case but it is worth to mention.

[notme]

Sister, that ruling is regarding public places . Public places are hard to avoid. But there is I think a ruling regarding weddings with haram music in Muslim community, where attending such wedding means encouragement and being pleased with their act.

I am not saying this applies to this case but it is worth to mention.

The people are getting married in a church, therefore they obviously aren't Muslim.

how would the reverts deal with such a situation. They cannot refuse to attend family weddings especially of close family like siblings etc.

I went to my sister's Catholic Christian wedding, and listened to but did not participate in the ceremony. Out of respect I stood and kneeled and sat when everyone else did, but I didn't recite along or take communion. I went to the reception afterwards. Alcohol was available, but there were plenty of people not partaking of it, and we easily were able to sit at a table with non-drinkers. There were non-meat foods available. Shortly after the music and dancing started, we said our goodbyes.

My other sister, also non-muslim, had an outdoor wedding and reception, and it was beautiful and had neither drink nor dancing.

[Guest silasun]

This is a quote from http://www.14publications.com/question-and-answer/dancing-at-weddings/

 

 Ruling 471: Attending a dancing ceremony is impermissible if it considered a confirmation of others’ prohibited actions or necessitates a prohibited action. Otherwise, there is no problem. If leaving the ceremony as a protest against sin would be considered an instance of forbidding the wrong, then one must leave.

 

 

[mina]

@notme,your cases are not comparable to the op's wedding party.

[Reza]

One thing I've noticed about life.  It's usually better to just stay home. 

[Guest silasun]

Something interesting from Ayatollah Khamenei:

 

Q1414: From time to time parties, attended by professors and students alike, are held in the universities in foreign countries. It goes without saying that alcoholic drinks are served in such parties. What should be the position of the students who want to attend these parties?
A: It is not permissible for anyone to attend any gathering where alcoholic drinks are consumed. You should not take part in such activities to let it be known to those people that since you are Muslim, you neither drink alcoholic drinks nor attend gatherings where such drinks are served.

 

 

Q1418: Is it permissible to take part in gatherings where morally corrupt songs of ghinā’ are sung? And what is the ruling if someone is doubtful as to the nature of the songs and he cannot stop it?

A: It is not permissible to attend parties where ghinā’ and lahwī mutrib music, that is suitable for gatherings of sin and lahw take place when this leads to listening to such singing and music or supporting it. However, when someone is doubtful about the nature of them, there is no harm in attending and listening to them per se.

 

Q1420: In non-Muslim countries, alcoholic beverages are normally served in seminars and conferences. Is it permissible to participate in such seminars and conferences?

A: It is not permissible to be present in any gathering where alcoholic beverages are consumed. In case of necessity, the participation should be limited to that which is necessary.

Edited July 12, 2015 by silasun

[Guest silasun]

Say like you are in a taxi and the driver doesn't want to turn off the music. Can you stay in it if you don't pay attention to the haram music?

[Martyrdom]

.\ Real friends are worth enduring some discomfort for - and so is his wife.

But not at the cost of discomfort in the akhira.

Edited August 15, 2015 by Martyrdom

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

Why do you want to convince him not to go? Two spouses aren't going to be photocopies of each other; in a marriage, there can be slight differences of opinion and that's okay.

[Ali Musaaa :)]

Why do you want to convince him not to go? Two spouses aren't going to be photocopies of each other; in a marriage, there can be slight differences of opinion and that's okay.

 

I don't think thats the point. The OP seems concerned that her husband will be attending a mixed gathering where there will be alcohol.

 

She's uncomfortable and bothered by this, and not with the fact he is different from her. 

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

^The point I was making is that she is not him, he is allowed to have slightly different beliefs/comfort level.