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binsaifi

Shi'a Female Perspective

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Salaam Alaikum all,

 

OK so... I've got a question... Sorry if it's been posted before and please link me to the thread if it has (I'm new to this forum). I'm a sunni man and I like this shi'a sister... I've known her since university. And everytime I want to approach her and discuss marriage I stop myself... I don't know why. Maybe fear of rejection? Or fear of the future?

 

My question(s) is for shi'a sisters... would you marry a sunni man if you were pleased and happy with his personality and got on with him? Are you happy for him to hold his beliefs that may be at odds with yours? If not, where would you draw the line? Are you prepared to accept him as the head of your household and teach your children? Do you foresee the day to day differences in religious practices as a problem? What about the two families coming together? Would your parents accept such a union?

 

These are just questions I'm curious about.

 

Jazaakamullahu Khayran.

 

fee amaanillah.

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Wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullah. Welcome to the forum, brother.

 

I know the question is directed to shia Muslim sisters, so I suggest the thread is moved into the sisters subforum? So, they can answer it. ma salam.


You do realize Shias see the 3 Caliph and Aysha as the enemy if the AhlulBayt right and have you seen Ziyarat e Ahura that Shias recite?

 

You do realize that none of the above is related to or a barrier to marriages? Islamically, if someone says the shahadatain, then he/she is a Muslim/ah. And their marriages is mubah-halal. And anyone who tries to ban something which Allah has allowed goes against religion.

 

But this does not mean that one can not have preferences. One can prefer person of a certain Islamic sect over another, and one may not. I mean, a shia Muslim sister may or may not say YES to a sunni Muslim brother or even a shia Muslim brother. People are left alone on their choices but given advice by the experienced.

Edited by Khudayar

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Wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullah. Welcome to the forum, brother.

 

I know the question is directed to shia Muslim sisters, so I suggest the thread is moved into the sisters subforum? So, they can answer it. ma salam.

 

You do realize that none of the above is related to or a barrier to marriages? Islamically, if someone says the shahadatain, then he/she is a Muslim/ah. And their marriages is mubah-halal. And anyone who tries to ban something which Allah has allowed goes against religion.

 

But this does not mean that one can not have preferences. One can prefer person of a certain Islamic sect over another, and one may not. I mean, a shia Muslim sister may say YES to a sunni Muslim brother or even a shia Muslim brother. People are left alone on their choices but given advice by the experienced.

I realize you don't want my opinion here so ma salam

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Salaam Alaikum all,

OK so... I've got a question... Sorry if it's been posted before and please link me to the thread if it has (I'm new to this forum). I'm a sunni man and I like this shi'a sister... I've known her since university. And everytime I want to approach her and discuss marriage I stop myself... I don't know why. Maybe fear of rejection? Or fear of the future?

My question(s) is for shi'a sisters... would you marry a sunni man if you were pleased and happy with his personality and got on with him? Are you happy for him to hold his beliefs that may be at odds with yours? If not, where would you draw the line? Are you prepared to accept him as the head of your household and teach your children? Do you foresee the day to day differences in religious practices as a problem? What about the two families coming together? Would your parents accept such a union?

These are just questions I'm curious about.

Jazaakamullahu Khayran.

fee amaanillah.

I believe it would be hard for families, though that depends on the family.

As for the girl, well, sometimes people look for a good humane man (for me that is the most important thing), but others give importance to religion due to personal beliefs or traditions or future upbringing. Have you ever considered researching into the shia school of thought? Just to get to know it better and find a better answer to your question, so you can understand better the shia thinking and tradition.

It is also worth studying from a humanist and religious point of view though.

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Are you willing to respect her beliefs, and not enjoin your faith upon her AND your future children? Do you give her full right to raise the children with the Shia faith? Will you enjoin her during the special occasions in the Shia faith? Will you protect and defend her faith if anyone you know tries to disrespect or enforce your faith upon her and the children? For example, if you go to mecca for hajj or your parents side? If the answer is no to any of the above, then im sorry, but it most likely wont be happening unless she herself is just a shia by name.... Its the truth brother. Too many Shias have been hurt and abused in such marriages and it ends up bad for the children. That is not to say there are not any good Sunnis, for a family friend is a practicing sunni husband but he fully supportive of his wife and kids who allowed to be Shias. I pray what ever happens, it happens for the sake of Allah, and by His goodness. Dont lose hope though, inshAllah you will find someone.

 

(wasalam)

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Dear op, salam.

i converted to shia islam 2 years ago. The hardest thing i have done in a long time was to tell my sunni EX-husband that i would be raising our children (son and daughter ) as shia. If i were to get remarried inshallah, i would like my husband to share my love for the ahlul bayt with me. It would mean a lot to me to raise my children on the foundation of the love for the holy household. I hope this helps.

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I think it would depend on her outlook on life and faith. How religious is she? What are her priorities? etc. 

If all these are in your favour, then how about her parents? You can't marry without permission, so what do they think? How religious is her father? 

 

Speaking personally, knowledgeable shia is at the top of my list. I'm not too religious, but I still want my children to grow up following what I know to be the truth. The core of our purpose on Earth is religion. It's not just about not liking the companions, aisha and the usual talk. It's about sunnah, prayer, fast, conduct, Islamic history and the image of our infallible prophet and imams. They and many other things, differ between us.

 

Still, she may agree.

Perhaps her emotions could be clouding her judgement? But I don't think it would be fair of you to take advantage of that. Even if you tried, her parents may act as a wedge between you two. I hope you're not the type to turn a daughter against her family. I'm sure you're not. Otherwise you wouldn't be here making an effort to evaluate your decision. 

She may also agree, if perhaps she thinks religion is only secondary to things. Maybe to her it's okay so long her children grow up to be good people, regardless of faith. I mean, sure we are different, but we're not too different- are we? Then again the issues with prayer and the like- none of those would be accepted. Still, God looks at intent, he's Most Just Most Merciful. That might well be her mentality and her father's. So she might accept. 

Or she could agree if she thinks she could convince you to become shia? She might ask for conditions like raising the children shia or asking you to research the shia faith (to win you over?)? 

See, I think it differs between families and people. To me, and to mother especially, it's out of the question. But I have seen many "sushi" families, so it's not impossible. 

 

May Allah help you move towards what's best for you and her. 

 

God bless you . 

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If religion is important to either of you , I would say don't go for it. Marriage is a life long committment.....even if you leave the minor things aside.. there are going to be different religious practises and rituals starting right from the time of nikkah, followed by those on births, deaths, muharram, ramazan, eids, different fiqh rulings on namaz, hajj, zakat, khums, to say the least.

Even without these marriage is lot of compromise and hard work.... With the religious differences thrown in things can get very convulated.

If either of you isnt religious then go for it!!!

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Salaam Alaikum all,

 

OK so... I've got a question... Sorry if it's been posted before and please link me to the thread if it has (I'm new to this forum). I'm a sunni man and I like this shi'a sister... I've known her since university. And everytime I want to approach her and discuss marriage I stop myself... I don't know why. Maybe fear of rejection? Or fear of the future?

 

My question(s) is for shi'a sisters... would you marry a sunni man if you were pleased and happy with his personality and got on with him? Are you happy for him to hold his beliefs that may be at odds with yours? If not, where would you draw the line? Are you prepared to accept him as the head of your household and teach your children? Do you foresee the day to day differences in religious practices as a problem? What about the two families coming together? Would your parents accept such a union?

 

These are just questions I'm curious about.

 

Jazaakamullahu Khayran.

 

fee amaanillah.

 

Salaam aleikum bro

 

I am not trying to be jaded, I'm just trying to be real. And I am not saying this as a disrespect to you or to anyone of Ahl as-Sunnah. I am just talking in general.

 

It may not be worth the headache for either of you.

 

 

As one sister starlight mentioned, marriage already has a lot of challenges and hardships. You may be adding another one by choosing someone from a different sect. 

 

Or maybe you won't. Everyone is different. 

 

All I will say is: think it through. From every possible angle.

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Salam,

 

Short answer: no. I respect shia/sunni marriages, I have direct family members married to sunnis. But the difference between them and me, is exactly what another member mentioned above and that is preference.

 

It depends to what extent you are practising. And to what extent you can be tolerant. My sister for example who is married to a sunni, does not regularly attend Shia programs, isn't as familiar with events regarding ahlul bayt (as) and even the Sahaba for that matter. Her children however, are attending the mosque with their father and learning his path. Both parents are fine on the matter. I however, could never be able to do this for the sole reason that I disagree with the actions of the very figures which our Sunni brothers and sisters revere. I am more practising of the "shia" aspect of my religion as a Muslimah. As a family we are absolutely fine on the matter, my parents are very firm on their belief in Shia Islam but also very open minded and see the act of marriage between the two as a step closer to unity, and so long as there is mutual respect then there's no beef. 

 

Talk about it with her but before you do that, ask yourself:

- What her reaction would be to certain aspects of your jurisprudence and vice versa? 

- How will you define Islamic principles and explain to your children when they are aware enough to know the difference?

- Yes we are equal and unite on the basis of our shahada and so much more, but how will you meet half way with her?

 

She may be as tolerant as you are, and for that matter there's no harm in doing so. It comes down to practise, preference, tolerance. 

 

May Allah swt grant you the patience and perseverance, if it is what you want then talk to her, see what she thinks and go for it. She may not have the viewpoint that I have, every body is different. 

 

Good luck! 

Edited by Blissful

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Salaam Alaikum all,

 

OK so... I've got a question... Sorry if it's been posted before and please link me to the thread if it has (I'm new to this forum). I'm a sunni man and I like this shi'a sister... I've known her since university. And everytime I want to approach her and discuss marriage I stop myself... I don't know why. Maybe fear of rejection? Or fear of the future?

 

My question(s) is for shi'a sisters... would you marry a sunni man if you were pleased and happy with his personality and got on with him? Are you happy for him to hold his beliefs that may be at odds with yours? If not, where would you draw the line? Are you prepared to accept him as the head of your household and teach your children? Do you foresee the day to day differences in religious practices as a problem? What about the two families coming together? Would your parents accept such a union?

 

These are just questions I'm curious about.

 

Jazaakamullahu Khayran.

 

fee amaanillah.

 

Well, speaking from the perspective of being the father of a Shia girl it would be something that I am opposed to. Now, I'm sure you are a great guy (especially since you are taking the steps of doing your "research" before taking that step) and I'm sure you will make a great husband/father.

 

However, this is something a bit more than just that. Its a matter of religion. Despite the fact that we are all Muslim we do however share differing beliefs. I would not want my daughter marrying into a family in which her beliefs are differing to the beliefs of her in-laws. Let's be honest, when a girl marries she doesn't just marry the guy...she marries into his family (their customs, beliefs, way of life, etc...). If I've raised my daughter as a Shia 12er then I would want her to marry not only into a Shia 12er family but also a family which is similar to my own in beliefs, practices, cultural ways, etc... This would all be for the purpose of her having a much easier transition into her married life and continuing on in that life comfortably.

 

Also, I would not be comfortable with my grandchildren having a non Shia 12er parent. Living in the US we face enough challenges with children straying into bad habits that are just non-Islamic overall but to add to that the layer of the fact that they would grow up having a parent who does not share the same opinions regarding Saqifa, Imamat, belief in the occultation of the 12th Imam (as), Ashura/Karbala, etc...would just be something I would not be happy with at all.

 

Of course, this is all just my opinion on the matter and I know you were specifically asking this question of ladies but you also have to consider the opinion that the parents and the rest of the family will hold of the situation. 

 

I wish you the best in finding a wife and a happy life overall. Just keep in mind the opinions of not only the girl but her parents as well.

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Wow, jazakAllah khayr for all your responses. I had no idea anyone replied! I was expecting a notification in my inbox... 

 

I fully appreciate the challenges of such a marriage. I love my religion and I practise it to the best of my ability obviously from a sunni perspective. As far as I know and can tell she's a practising shi'a... very down to earth, easy to communicate to, similar worldly ideals, same profession even. I've known her since the beginning of university so coming up to 6 years now and I feel like she's such a good human being more than anything else. Whenever we have discussed religion or a fiqhi issue, and I've said this is what I believe to be correct she's never been like What! You're wrong. This is how it's done, which I respect her hugely for. And likewise I listen to her point of view.

 

But as people have said discussions is one thing. Marriage and building a family is another.She has mentioned that she has family members who are sunni (I'm assuming she means by marriage), and she's talked about in the past of her parents living in iraq and not even knowing whether their neighbours were sunni or shi'a... it was just a non-issue.

 

I guess a definitive answer would be to talk to her and get her perspective. She might reject me but I guess I gotta be a man about this and if I don't ask I won't know! At the end of the day our lives on earth is limited...

 

I would ofcourse respect her beliefs and shield her from criticism and backbiting as no doubt people are bound to do. My parents alhamdulillah are very open minded, very caring and compassionate... same with my sisters. But I honestly don't know how my extended family would react... I think they'd get over it after a while. Of course I love the ahlul bayt which I believe is universal among all Muslims and I also believe that consits of all the wives of the Prophet (saws), and I also believe all the first four companions were the best of companions.

 

My main issue I guess is raising a family and how it would be done... Can it be done in compromise? It's a difficult situation. I definitely want to know the opinion of her parents. She's an only child so letting their daughter marry a sunni would be a big deal I can imagine. But anyways! I thank you all for your comments :) It was helpful.

 

Fee amaanillah.

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Salam,

 

Short answer: no. I respect shia/sunni marriages, I have direct family members married to sunnis. But the difference between them and me, is exactly what another member mentioned above and that is preference.

 

It depends to what extent you are practising. And to what extent you can be tolerant. My sister for example who is married to a sunni, does not regularly attend Shia programs, isn't as familiar with events regarding ahlul bayt (as) and even the Sahaba for that matter. Her children however, are attending the mosque with their father and learning his path. Both parents are fine on the matter. I however, could never be able to do this for the sole reason that I disagree with the actions of the very figures which our Sunni brothers and sisters revere. I am more practising of the "shia" aspect of my religion as a Muslimah. As a family we are absolutely fine on the matter, my parents are very firm on their belief in Shia Islam but also very open minded and see the act of marriage between the two as a step closer to unity, and so long as there is mutual respect then there's no beef. 

 

Talk about it with her but before you do that, ask yourself:

- What her reaction would be to certain aspects of your jurisprudence and vice versa? 

- How will you define Islamic principles and explain to your children when they are aware enough to know the difference?

- Yes we are equal and unite on the basis of our shahada and so much more, but how will you meet half way with her?

 

She may be as tolerant as you are, and for that matter there's no harm in doing so. It comes down to practise, preference, tolerance. 

 

May Allah swt grant you the patience and perseverance, if it is what you want then talk to her, see what she thinks and go for it. She may not have the viewpoint that I have, every body is different. 

 

Good luck! 

 

That was so useful to read. JzkAllah khayr!

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Well, speaking from the perspective of being the father of a Shia girl it would be something that I am opposed to. Now, I'm sure you are a great guy (especially since you are taking the steps of doing your "research" before taking that step) and I'm sure you will make a great husband/father.

 

However, this is something a bit more than just that. Its a matter of religion. Despite the fact that we are all Muslim we do however share differing beliefs. I would not want my daughter marrying into a family in which her beliefs are differing to the beliefs of her in-laws. Let's be honest, when a girl marries she doesn't just marry the guy...she marries into his family (their customs, beliefs, way of life, etc...). If I've raised my daughter as a Shia 12er then I would want her to marry not only into a Shia 12er family but also a family which is similar to my own in beliefs, practices, cultural ways, etc... This would all be for the purpose of her having a much easier transition into her married life and continuing on in that life comfortably.

 

Also, I would not be comfortable with my grandchildren having a non Shia 12er parent. Living in the US we face enough challenges with children straying into bad habits that are just non-Islamic overall but to add to that the layer of the fact that they would grow up having a parent who does not share the same opinions regarding Saqifa, Imamat, belief in the occultation of the 12th Imam (as), Ashura/Karbala, etc...would just be something I would not be happy with at all.

 

Of course, this is all just my opinion on the matter and I know you were specifically asking this question of ladies but you also have to consider the opinion that the parents and the rest of the family will hold of the situation. 

 

I wish you the best in finding a wife and a happy life overall. Just keep in mind the opinions of not only the girl but her parents as well.

 

I would expect nothing else from a concerned father! lol

 

Just a question: If your daughter said she was interested in a sunni proposal or someone who had approached her, would you reject straight away without further investigation into who this person is and not allow her to marry?

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