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In the Name of God بسم الله
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apofomysback

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Actually there are .........is the theif to blame or myself? Or both?Nothing justifies envy does that mean it is alright to show off???

I know about the cycle of abuse you mentioned, I know the therapist's and psychologist's opinions on this and I have read the world's top rated book on domestic abuse. The problem with what your are saying is you are minimizing the role of the abuser in the situation and putting more blame on the abused.

Yes, there are people with psychological issues who may have a very high threshold for abuse and an unhealthy sense of personal boundaries making them more prone to getting abused but that still dosent mean its okay to abuse them.

Even if a woman 'likes to be abused' as you said, a man with a healthy mind and self esteem would never raise his hand on her.

Check the status on domestic violence,in 95% of the cases its the woman who either manages to escape or are rescued by authorities, the abusive men are still not ready to let go of them.I have never come across a marriage with a history of domestic violence,in which the husband himself divorcef the wife. He always does when forced by the court.

The rest of the examples you gave are absurd to be honest, if someone steals that gold, yes the owner was careless to leave it lying there but its still the thief who will be held guilty and punishable both by Islamic and state laws.

Ask yourself, would you steal a bar of gold lying in someone's yard? Would fear of Allah's punishment not make you stop and think?

Allah has made men the guardian over women, men should be the protectors.If a husband thinks his wife suffers from psychological issues that make her act that way he still should act like a man and either take her to a therapist OR if that is too much for him he should let her go honourably.

Allah gave a choice and if he dosent act on one of the above choices he will have to answer to Allah for punching and beating a weak and defenceless woman.

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Dear sister Apo - I read your post with a heavy heart. Frankly I don't have any advice for you other than go ask for Khula and get out of this relationship if the abuse is indeed such horrific. We don't know your full circumstances, we would never know your full circumstances, but from what you describe, you are living with a person who is a follower of shaytan obviously, and why would any follower of Ahlulbayt allow themselves to live in the domain of such a person.

As far as men and culture in Pakistan, yes like all old cultures, it is a decadent culture but things are not all that bad. I personally know many single women living in Pakistan with minimal or some support.

As far as ulema in Pakistan, most of them reflect the culture, some are good and some are bad. You seem to see everybody in a bad light which is normal for a person who has been abandoned by their loved ones, but give hope a chance.

As far as what a brother is suggesting, he is not at all blaming the victim, all he seems to be suggesting is to look at both sides of things. I don't see anywhere where he is justifying beating anybody to the pulp.

I know women who while in an abusive relationship, didn't listen to the advice given by their family early on, chose to stay on hoping to make him a good person (without realizing that if he was not fixed by his mother, you were nobody to fix him), gave birth to his children hoping a man would get better after fathering a child or two, only approached parents to fix trivial instances and not the whole situation, tolerated his anti-Islamic behavior such as drinking, drugs, and zana, as if keeping the marriage became more important to them than to abandon such person for the sake of Allah, and so on; end up like you are.

Again I don't know if you went through all this but I've witnessed young girls filing for divorce with in a week of their marriage as soon as they knew he was a zani, drunkerd, or a gambler because they loved Allah more than their marriages, and I've known women who chose to stay on with a drunkerd or a fornicator because to them keeping marriage was more important than keeping the ways of Allah swt.

Another thing, in a South Asian arranged marriage scenario, it is very easy to blame parents when one of the spouses turns out bad. In most cases, poor parents don't know the full background, try to patch things up later based on sketchy information, culturally look for to blame something which has nothing to do with the situation (blame it on evil eye or majic and what not) and so on. Girls who blame their own families after such unions end up losing that vital support base mostly due to their own doings. You need to self critique yourself if you have been one such person.

In conclusion, we won't know ever the whole story. But know this, that some very complex situations have often very easy solutions and are often very religious ones. This and in all situations, one has to decide what is more important, solutions that Allah swt made available or the worldly things one is clinging on to.

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This is what's so frustrating about our culture and people. I know this from personal experience that divorce is a taboo and a woman asking for divorce gets no support from anyone and it doesn't matter how valid her reasons are. I cannot even say that I hope one of your family members goes through the same abuse since you are trying to justify it. Because I know that you are so cruel, it will not effect you even if your own family members go through abuse. You will probably justify their abusers' actions. If women start to blame shia men killed by suicide bombers, then may be you will understand what you are doing.  

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Salam Sister, 

 

I don't know if you're still following this thread, but I want to apologize again if I made you feel bad or made you feel like I was mocking you in any way. 

 

I reacted initially based on what I saw in the past such as trolls pretending to be in bad situations in order to mock the religion, and some women coming on here

to bad mouth their husbands and exaggerate small problems and I later found out that what these women were saying was not true. 

 

If you're husband is taking drugs in front of your son and physically harming you, this is not a small problem, and you should deal with it immediately. 

 

1) Trust in Allah(s.w.a) and make dua' to Him(s.w.a). I know this situation may have weakened your faith and made you believe that if Allah(s.w.a) existed and care about you, he would have helped you out of this situation by now. Know that this is a test from Allah(s.w.a)

 

أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَن يُتْرَكُوا أَن يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ

 

DO PEOPLE THINK that on their [mere] saying, “We have attained to faith”, they will be left to themselves, and will not be put to a test?

Surat Ankabut Ayat 2

 

The goal of the Shaytan is to get you to believe that the miserable circumstance of life that you find yourself in (and everyone goes thru these circumstances at one point or another) are a result of Allah(s.w.a) either not existing or not caring about you. That is the goal, to get at your Iman, because he knows that once your Iman is gone, then you are his personal hand puppet and he can do with you what he wills. The 'Qalb' or spiritual heart is the home of your Iman(faith). You can afford to lose your dunya, your mind, or even your life, but you cannot afford to lose your 'Qalb' or your Iman. 

 

You have to take the long view and look at the big picture and know that everyone is tested and although the tests are different, the goal is the same and that is for Allah(s.w.a) to make known to every creation that

 

'I created this human being and put her thru trial after trial and she didn't lose her faith and continued to worship me and me Alone and continued to ask for help from Me and Me alone and so I helped her and will give her Paradise as a recompense for all the suffering that she endured'

 

This is a true promise from Allah(s.w.a)

 

There are some good dua' to lift your spirits, one is Dua Mashul 

 

http://www.duas.org/mashlool.htm

 

2) If his behaviour does not change you need to take practical steps to remove yourself and your son from the situation. How exactly you do this depends on your circumstances, and your personality and his personality and the resources you have available. But you need to think about this and take practical steps

Salam.

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No, Brother, the fact you said some women are shaytans for their men is basically where you have had a slip.

Each person has his own demons, regardless of how much one is tempted to become a filthy disgusting inhumane beast.

I'm the brother of a person who got seriously physically and psychologically abused for years. I have read a lot about this matter and spoke to psychologist about it. I know what it is. And what you said about some women being a shaytan for their husband is basically the most uncalled for affirmation in this context.

As starlight, I'm doing immense efforts to hold my words and not get banned. So do the same, and hold your words. I would prefer not to read anything more from you, if not out of respect to me, at least out of respect to my sister and many others sisters who have passed through similar situations.

I'm not saying you hold wrong views. But the word choice of your post was terribly uncalled for. I hope you can reach that conclusion at least.

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For some reason I had stopped receiving notification to this thread - hence, I'm sorry for the delay in replying.

 

I'm afraid i'll have to side with starlight and Bakir on this. both of them are some of the wisest people i have come across and developed a liking to and well, they aren't wrong this time too. the way you've worded your posts it seems as if women are nothing but satan's slaves or something. you keep telling us women to follow Fatima (A.S) but i dont think her husband beat her to a pulp, did he? yes women are responsible for being a good wife, but the husband also needs to stop acting like an animal and take responsibility in cases like mine. you dont know my full story and i dont think i need to let it all out here - those close to me know about it already and if just stating a concern on a thread gets women like me to be labelled as satan's soldiers than Lord knows what i'll be called if i let out my entire life here. ill be honest - your words have hurt me and im with starlight on this on hoping that one day someone very close to you goes through the same. yes she may be innocent but at times it takes practical stuff like this to open people's eyes and make them see how bad it hurts. 

 

Bro Abu Hadi - there is no need to apologize at all. it was just a misunderstanding and its long forgotten :) your reply was rather insightful. i will look into the dua you have mentioned. taking practical steps isnt easy. over the years ive lost my courage and since i was young, i have seen a side of men and humans in general that scares me a lot. living by my self with my kids will not be easy - there are substantial reasons why i refrain from going to the court and demanding a khula. on top of that my kids love their father a lot and i dont want to put them through the misery of living without their father. and the way i have seen father-less children suffer here - well, let's just say i dont want to nor have the strength to put the kids throuh that. just keep me in your prayers :)

 

starlight, Bakir and Gaius - you three are my most favorite people not just on SC but in real life too. you will always be in my prayers whether i stay on SC or not :)

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On 8/17/2015 at 2:56 AM, apofomysback said:

For some reason I had stopped receiving notification to this thread - hence, I'm sorry for the delay in replying.

 

I'm afraid i'll have to side with starlight and Bakir on this. both of them are some of the wisest people i have come across and developed a liking to and well, they aren't wrong this time too. the way you've worded your posts it seems as if women are nothing but satan's slaves or something. you keep telling us women to follow Fatima (A.S) but i dont think her husband beat her to a pulp, did he? yes women are responsible for being a good wife, but the husband also needs to stop acting like an animal and take responsibility in cases like mine. you dont know my full story and i dont think i need to let it all out here - those close to me know about it already and if just stating a concern on a thread gets women like me to be labelled as satan's soldiers than Lord knows what i'll be called if i let out my entire life here. ill be honest - your words have hurt me and im with starlight on this on hoping that one day someone very close to you goes through the same. yes she may be innocent but at times it takes practical stuff like this to open people's eyes and make them see how bad it hurts. 

 

Bro Abu Hadi - there is no need to apologize at all. it was just a misunderstanding and its long forgotten :) your reply was rather insightful. i will look into the dua you have mentioned. taking practical steps isnt easy. over the years ive lost my courage and since i was young, i have seen a side of men and humans in general that scares me a lot. living by my self with my kids will not be easy - there are substantial reasons why i refrain from going to the court and demanding a khula. on top of that my kids love their father a lot and i dont want to put them through the misery of living without their father. and the way i have seen father-less children suffer here - well, let's just say i dont want to nor have the strength to put the kids throuh that. just keep me in your prayers :)

 

starlight, Bakir and Gaius - you three are my most favorite people not just on SC but in real life too. you will always be in my prayers whether i stay on SC or not :)

 

 

salam.

i dont agree with his view at all. But i think it is also not nice to wish bad for someone who is not a part of it. We should only wish bad for oppressors and bad people. 

what do you think?

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salam.

i dont agree with his view at all. But i think it is also not nice to wish bad for someone who is not a part of it. We should only wish bad for oppressors and bad people. 

what do you think?

I completely agree with you there. It isn't right to wish bad for someone who isn't a part of it. However, from the experiences I have had in life, at times getting people to see and understand things becomes possible only when someone close to them experiences it. i've had such bad attitudes towards my own situation that i've become cold towards all such people bro Ammar. i know it isn't right, but well, if it opens his eyes...

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Along the wise words of George Dubya Bush...'if you beat me once shame on you, if you beat me twice...well you cant beat me twice' what he meant was if you beat me twice its shame on you....

If you cant separate, and if you cant get used to everyday humiliation then you have to do something....just dont put up with it. simple as that.

 

You might say that its hard and.....but not harder as the pain that you are going through where your core sounds to be wounded and hopeless.

 

How to do that? JUST ACT CRAZY...If your son or husband slaps you just slap back 2 times....and if they slap agin then punch and.....till you get knocked out. Next time- repeat....eventually they'd get tired and give up and everyone lives happily ever after...

 

Most importantly- do it for your sons. Because growing up like this would ruin their lives and the lives of their children and children's childrens

 

In my middle school we had this group of racists who would always bother the new comers...when my turn came, I slapped the guy silly...when the last bell was heard and got out of school...I saw a group of more than 30 of them waiting for me. I could not run cuz the next day I had to go back...so I walked into the group and said to talk to their 'leader' ...The moment I saw him I punched him on the neck...he fell down and I was beaten senseless...I got a broken nose and a bloody face...with the rest of my body back and blue....next day I see the guy and attacked him from behind...end of school...same story plus a beating from my mom for bloodying my clothes....by the following week..we had peace an respect...and despite being skinny I was known as that crazy guy that nobody dared to mess with. So the moral of the story is- fight back till your last breath.


It will be hard for a week or a month but you will be ok for the rest of your life. Otherwise....its all your fault. And George Bush would also agree...

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On 8/19/2015 at 7:57 AM, Wahdat said:

How to do that? JUST ACT CRAZY...If your son or husband slaps you just slap back 2 times....and if they slap agin then punch and.....till you get knocked out. Next time- repeat....eventually they'd get tired and give up and everyone lives happily ever after...

 

 

Are you being serious?

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Are you being serious?

 

Mulah, Alim, Psychologist, Cops, Courts, Tawiz etc are not productive.

Maintaining status quo is also not possible- its a great great sin to hit a mother but its a greater misfortune to grow up hitting your mother...it will not end well...

Your anti-gay threads are also not helpful...in this situation

 

So....hitting back at those who hit you seems the only option. no?

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Mulah, Alim, Psychologist, Cops, Courts, Tawiz etc are not productive.

Maintaining status quo is also not possible- its a great great sin to hit a mother but its a greater misfortune to grow up hitting your mother...it will not end well...

Your anti-gay threads are also not helpful...in this situation

 

So....hitting back at those who hit you seems the only option. no?

 

It might not be the best idea in a country like Pakistan, and I seriously doubt it will improve the situation. If your only move is a bad one, then better to pass and wait for something better to come along, rather than make things worse.

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It might not be the best idea in a country like Pakistan, and I seriously doubt it will improve the situation. If your only move is a bad one, then better to pass and wait for something better to come along, rather than make things worse.

You are right about Pakistan....then again- whats the proper response to Zulm? And what should we be ready to pay for Haq? The sister here has it real bad- and since the husband and family are not doing anything....and it is really dangerous to let things go as they are cause they definitely are not going in the right direction.....then it all comes down to herself....to define her situation. And this is less for herself and more for her son. Because at this rate her son is going to have a very dark future.

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