Shia And Sunni Marriage... Again.... Sorry

[YaaAllah]

Salam Alaykom dear brothers and sisters. 

 

There is this girl, who(m?) I love dearly. We have been considering getting married for like 2 years. She is sunni which I have a problem with. She did have a problem with me being shia when I told her. Later she was ok with it and eventually accepted it and still wanted us to get married. I would love to do that, but the only thing is that she is sunni and I wanted her to become shia. We talked about children and she was ok with me raising the kids as shiites, but I still have a hard time with it, because she will be the mother. Of course she will have big impact on the kids. Them getting confused is not what I want. I just want them to be raised as shiites. 

Her parents like me, they respect their daughter and are supporting her in her decision. My aunt, who is like a mother to me(my own mother has passed away) is not against it nor for it. 

I did istikhara, got different result every time.. good, neither, bad, really bad.

 

 

We do not talk anymore/right now (we've gone back and forth for a long time and so many times). I cant imagine marrying someone else, so please keep those advices to yourselves, I would appreciate solutions for this to work. 

 

In my mind, the plan I have, is to learn more about the division between shia and sunni and discuss it with her father during a fishing trip. Does this come out as an arrogant way? (I have some issues when it comes to social things...) And maybe I could convince/plant a seed in her father's mind about shia. 

 

 

Her father doesnt see the division between shia and sunni as a big problem. How can I make it sound like it is? Because I think it is. The way we pray for example, if it only is about folding or not folding hands then all the other important aspects about prayers are not important either. Then everyone should however they like. 

 

 

Please help. Leaving her is out of question.

 

Wassalam

Edited June 4, 2015 by YaaAllah

[Al Hashmi]

Walaikum assalaam.

It seems you are unaware of whats going on, in mideast and everywhere between shias and sunnis ! Why you want to marry a nasibi girl, and why she is thinking of getting married to a majoosi rafidah etc;! Open your eyes, dont get ruined your's and her life. Again open your eyes 'love used to blind' isnt it ! Is your faith is so weak that you cant handle your desires.

May Allah help you to get rid of such stupid things

Ma'assalama

[yusur317]

God allowed it. He even allowed man to marry a christian woman, jewish woman etc. Why then do you stop at sunni? She's closer to you than any of those other women. If you want it to work out, you'll find a way.

 

Have you tried speaking to your father about it? Or even, since he may become your father in law, ask him. Be honest about how you feel. If you're worried about his reaction now, then why aren't you worried about his reaction later? Either way, it's going to happen. So ask him, "What do you truly think of a sunni-shia marriage? I can't help but think, there'll be many hurdles coming our way..."

 

As for the mother being sunni, I couldn't see how this should be a problem. Converts don't have muslim mothers or fathers. They can do it with neither, so why wouldn't your children be able to do it with a father by their side. It sounds a little like you posses insecurities in regards to your ability to influence your children as a shia father. That's no fault on your bride to be, but on your part. You could both be shia but have children that stand for everything but shia. 

 

Also, you shouldn't be looking to indoctrinate your children with your thoughts concerning religion or life. Your wife's faith influencing your children should therefore, again, not be a problem. Instead you should look to introduce, show, then teach and allow them to seed ideas, thoughts and conduct of their own. I always believed parents are there to guide their children. A little like, the stars, or in modern terms, a torch light? It doesn't tell you where to go, it just shows you where you are, and where you can go. I think that's essentially what a parent should do :) 

 

I may be wrong. I don't have any children yet, but I think this is what my parents mostly used bringing me and my brother up. I think it worked... 

 

Best of luck! 

 

(wasalam)

[YaaAllah]

Walaikum assalaam.

It seems you are unaware of whats going on, in mideast and everywhere between shias and sunnis ! Why you want to marry a nasibi girl, and why she is thinking of getting married to a majoosi rafidah etc;! Open your eyes, dont get ruined your's and her life. Again open your eyes 'love used to blind' isnt it ! Is your faith is so weak that you cant handle your desires.

May Allah help you to get rid of such stupid things

Ma'assalama

 

This is exactly what I was talking about. Keep these kind of advice to yourself. You cant judge everyone here because of something that is happening in the mideast. There will always be good people among bad people in every group everywhere in the world. 

So please, no more advice from you. Thank you for your time.

God allowed it. He even allowed man to marry a christian woman, jewish woman etc. Why then do you stop at sunni? She's closer to you than any of those other women. 1)If you want it to work out, you'll find a way.

 

2)Have you tried speaking to your father about it? Or even, since he may become your father in law, ask him. Be honest about how you feel. If you're worried about his reaction now, then why aren't you worried about his reaction later? Either way, it's going to happen. So ask him, "What do you truly think of a sunni-shia marriage? I can't help but think, there'll be many hurdles coming our way...

 

As for the mother being sunni, I couldn't see how this should be a problem. 3)Converts don't have muslim mothers or fathers. They can do it with neither, so why wouldn't your children be able to do it with a father by their side. It sounds a little like you posses insecurities in regards to your ability to influence your children as a shia father. That's no fault on your bride to be, but on your part. You could both be shia but have children that stand for everything but shia. 

 

4)Also, you shouldn't be looking to indoctrinate your children with your thoughts concerning religion or life. Your wife's faith influencing your children should therefore, again, not be a problem. Instead you should look to introduce, show, then teach and allow them to seed ideas, thoughts and conduct of their own. I always believed parents are there to guide their children. A little like, the stars, or in modern terms, a torch light? It doesn't tell you where to go, it just shows you where you are, and where you can go. I think that's essentially what a parent should do :)

 

I may be wrong. I don't have any children yet, but I think this is what my parents mostly used bringing me and my brother up. I think it worked... 

 

Best of luck! 

 

(wasalam)

1) That's what Im trying to do, I do want this to work. I want to find a way. The way Im thinking of is including parents with the same faith. 

 

2)My father has passed too. May Allah have merci on my parents souls. 

 

3)What made you think she is a convert? She was brought up sunni and both her parents are sunni. 

 

4)This is very good advice and putting it in another perspective is a great way to help someone. But I remember my mothers love for the Ahlulbayt (as) and that is what she taught us children, that is where I could go when my parents passed away. That is what she left behind. My dad wasnt that religious. 

I am kind of insecure about me not being able to show the right path to my children. I imagine them asking: Dad, why is mom folding her arms when praying and you are not?"

 

Am I suppose to make their mother look like she is doing it wrong? That is not a very good way to guide my children. 

 

wassalam 

[Akbar673]

 

Salam Alaykom dear brothers and sisters. 

 

There is this girl, who(m?) I love dearly. We have been considering getting married for like 2 years. She is sunni which I have a problem with. She did have a problem with me being shia when I told her. Later she was ok with it and eventually accepted it and still wanted us to get married. I would love to do that, but the only thing is that she is sunni and I wanted her to become shia. We talked about children and she was ok with me raising the kids as shiites, but I still have a hard time with it, because she will be the mother. Of course she will have big impact on the kids. Them getting confused is not what I want. I just want them to be raised as shiites. 

Her parents like me, they respect their daughter and are supporting her in her decision. My aunt, who is like a mother to me(my own mother has passed away) is not against it nor for it. 

I did istikhara, got different result every time.. good, neither, bad, really bad.

 

 

We do not talk anymore/right now (we've gone back and forth for a long time and so many times). I cant imagine marrying someone else, so please keep those advices to yourselves, I would appreciate solutions for this to work. 

 

In my mind, the plan I have, is to learn more about the division between shia and sunni and discuss it with her father during a fishing trip. Does this come out as an arrogant way? (I have some issues when it comes to social things...) And maybe I could convince/plant a seed in her father's mind about shia. 

 

 

Her father doesnt see the division between shia and sunni as a big problem. How can I make it sound like it is? Because I think it is. The way we pray for example, if it only is about folding or not folding hands then all the other important aspects about prayers are not important either. Then everyone should however they like. 

 

 

Please help. Leaving her is out of question.

 

Wassalam

 

 

Before any advice can be given there are some questions I have...

 

1. How old are you?

 

2. You mentioned that her family does not have a problem with it, but what about your family?

 

3. Also, where are you from? I ask this because in the West the Shia/Sunni issues manifests itself in ways different than in other parts of the world.

 

4. Your Children? You mentioned that she does not have a problem with the children being raised Shia. So you mean to tell me that she will let them pray, fast, do their Haj, go to Ziyarat, recite Shia prayers, allow them to hold negative opinions of the 3 Khalifa, etc...based upon Shia practices and beliefs? 

 

In my opinion, while a Shia/Sunni marriage can work based on mutual respect and understanding its a difficult road to hold. I've got a friend who married a Sunni girl and quite frankly he regrets it. His wife was originally open to Shia beliefs but as she's grown older she has reverted back to the beliefs upon which she was raised. She's not anti Shia by any stretch but she is not comfortable with many Shia aspects being impressed upon their children.

 

I can understand love being your driving force in this situation but you also have an entire list of items to consider.

[Abu Nasr]

Congratulation.

 

By marrying a Sunni girl you'll get to raise your children as true Shias (Sunnis).

And she, by marrying you will get to raise her children as true Sunnis (Shias).

 

The middle way is always the right way.

That is if you both agree to walk this middle way instead of following zealotry.

[chitown]

I have written previously on this as well. My second marriage was with a Sunni girl. We met online and on the outset, she was OK with me being shia, and started saying we are all Muslim, and no Shia or Sunni. Maybe she said that to get married as she was already 34 and hadn't been married up until then. Her family was very opposed to it. We were OK, as my mother is a Shia Muslim and father was a Sunni Muslim.

 

She was very much opposed to raise our kids as Shia (if we had any) and had issues that I will be taking my son (from my first marriage) to a Shia mosque and she will have to take her child(ren) to a Sunni mosque (even after saying all Muslims, no Shia no Sunni). After our marriage though, she never for once went to (the Shia) mosque with me, although I was OK going to a Sunni mosque with her family. It was obvious on many occasions that she was not OK with my beliefs.

 

Our marriage recently ended (not because of the Shia/Sunni issue though), but what I am trying to say is, at least from my experience, people can say one thing, can be accepting of you, but when they achieve what they want (say marriage) it can change very quickly. In my case she got the green card as well. Maybe thats why she was OK with me for the time being.

 

I am not trying to discourage you at all, my parents never had any issues over this all their lives, but please be careful, because you might manage to live along with her, but what if she takes a hard line stance over the kids. So please do think it through.

 

Best.

[YaaAllah]

Before any advice can be given there are some questions I have...

 

1. How old are you?

 

2. You mentioned that her family does not have a problem with it, but what about your family?

 

3. Also, where are you from? I ask this because in the West the Shia/Sunni issues manifests itself in ways different than in other parts of the world.

 

4. Your Children? You mentioned that she does not have a problem with the children being raised Shia. So you mean to tell me that she will let them pray, fast, do their Haj, go to Ziyarat, recite Shia prayers, allow them to hold negative opinions of the 3 Khalifa, etc...based upon Shia practices and beliefs? 

 

In my opinion, while a Shia/Sunni marriage can work based on mutual respect and understanding its a difficult road to hold. I've got a friend who married a Sunni girl and quite frankly he regrets it. His wife was originally open to Shia beliefs but as she's grown older she has reverted back to the beliefs upon which she was raised. She's not anti Shia by any stretch but she is not comfortable with many Shia aspects being impressed upon their children.

 

I can understand love being your driving force in this situation but you also have an entire list of items to consider.

1) Im 22

 

2) my family kind of does. My aunt was against it when i first told her. Now when i talk tomher about it, she is not for neither against it anymore. 

 

3) im afghan and she palestinian.

 

4) her saying that she is ok with the kids being raised as shias is what i translated it as, that she is ok with all that. But know when u ask me about it, it feels like she didnt think this through

 

 

The list of items for me to consider is so long, way too long. But i guess that is what these kind of marriages brings.

[YaaAllah]

I have written previously on this as well. My second marriage was with a Sunni girl. We met online and on the outset, she was OK with me being shia, and started saying we are all Muslim, and no Shia or Sunni. Maybe she said that to get married as she was already 34 and hadn't been married up until then. Her family was very opposed to it. We were OK, as my mother is a Shia Muslim and father was a Sunni Muslim.

 

She was very much opposed to raise our kids as Shia (if we had any) and had issues that I will be taking my son (from my first marriage) to a Shia mosque and she will have to take her child(ren) to a Sunni mosque (even after saying all Muslims, no Shia no Sunni). After our marriage though, she never for once went to (the Shia) mosque with me, although I was OK going to a Sunni mosque with her family. It was obvious on many occasions that she was not OK with my beliefs.

 

Our marriage recently ended (not because of the Shia/Sunni issue though), but what I am trying to say is, at least from my experience, people can say one thing, can be accepting of you, but when they achieve what they want (say marriage) it can change very quickly. In my case she got the green card as well. Maybe thats why she was OK with me for the time being.

 

I am not trying to discourage you at all, my parents never had any issues over this all their lives, but please be careful, because you might manage to live along with her, but what if she takes a hard line stance over the kids. So please do think it through.

 

Best.

I really am trying to think this through. I think about it all the time. It is veryhard. 

I just cant give up on her... thats somrthing thati feel that im incapable of....

[apofomysback]

I'm married to a sunni guy. both of us or our families have any problems at all with our sects. we have two kids both boys. it was agreed between us that all boys we have will follow their father's path (i, of course, can't take them to a mosque forever), whereas any daughters we have will be shi'ites. find a middle way. instead of imposing religion, why not try to get along? 

 

trust me, these things actually work out as most of my cousins married sunnis and live happy lives with both following their own faiths. 

[Akbar673]

I'm married to a sunni guy. both of us or our families have any problems at all with our sects. we have two kids both boys. it was agreed between us that all boys we have will follow their father's path (i, of course, can't take them to a mosque forever), whereas any daughters we have will be shi'ites. find a middle way. instead of imposing religion, why not try to get along? 

 

trust me, these things actually work out as most of my cousins married sunnis and live happy lives with both following their own faiths. 

 

Interesting...I'm curious as to how you came to the decision that the boys would be Sunni, while your daughters would be Shia.

 

What was your reasoning for making that choice ?

[apofomysback]

Interesting...I'm curious as to how you came to the decision that the boys would be Sunni, while your daughters would be Shia.

 

What was your reasoning for making that choice ?

The decision was based solely on the fact that boys typically follow their father's footsteps in my surrounding.The father takes them to the mosque, the father teaches them about religion and most other aspects of life, whereas mothers are mostly focused on teaching the daughters about religion. yes mothers can teach the boys too, but generally, it's the father who does it. 

 

I don't mind my children turning out Sunni. So long as they are good humans. 

[YaaAllah]

I'm married to a sunni guy. both of us or our families have any problems at all with our sects. we have two kids both boys. it was agreed between us that all boys we have will follow their father's path (i, of course, can't take them to a mosque forever), whereas any daughters we have will be shi'ites. find a middle way. instead of imposing religion, why not try to get along?

trust me, these things actually work out as most of my cousins married sunnis and live happy lives with both following their own faiths.

I have reached a point where I want to get along rather than trying to be right and all.

We'll see if it's too late.... She might have moved on..

[YaaAllah]

Two years late.... She moved on. Im trying to find a way now to move on as well, but its just too hard. My mind and soul was set on her...

[apofomysback]

I have reached a point where I want to get along rather than trying to be right and all.

We'll see if it's too late.... She might have moved on..

 

 

Two years late.... She moved on. Im trying to find a way now to move on as well, but its just too hard. My mind and soul was set on her...

 

I wish you the best in life. We all move on. I've moved on too in life from a past commitment. You will too though it will take time.

[Akbar673]

Two years late.... She moved on. Im trying to find a way now to move on as well, but its just too hard. My mind and soul was set on her...

 

Two years ?

 

When was the last time you saw/met this girl ?

[YaaAllah]

Two years ?

When was the last time you saw/met this girl ?

Couple of days ago

[Reza]

You move on fast. Now you can find a Shia who gives you similar feelings as this last person, minus the baggage, headache, anxiety, and "what do I do" forum posting. 

[Panzerwaffe]

How important is your faith to you i.e your sectarian beliefs

that's the bottom line

[Norman]

I know of Shia sisters who have married Sunni brothers in Australia and the UK but it is worth noting that over here the Sunni's outnumber the Shia something like 100 to 1. In the town where I live there are about 50 Muslims and I am the only Shiite so you can imagine it is hard to hold your resolve to only consider marriage with a Shia partner.

[FromShiaSunniBrotherhood]

 

Salam Alaykom dear brothers and sisters. 

 

There is this girl, who(m?) I love dearly. We have been considering getting married for like 2 years. She is sunni which I have a problem with. She did have a problem with me being shia when I told her. Later she was ok with it and eventually accepted it and still wanted us to get married. I would love to do that, but the only thing is that she is sunni and I wanted her to become shia. We talked about children and she was ok with me raising the kids as shiites, but I still have a hard time with it, because she will be the mother. Of course she will have big impact on the kids. Them getting confused is not what I want. I just want them to be raised as shiites. 

Her parents like me, they respect their daughter and are supporting her in her decision. My aunt, who is like a mother to me(my own mother has passed away) is not against it nor for it. 

I did istikhara, got different result every time.. good, neither, bad, really bad.

 

 

We do not talk anymore/right now (we've gone back and forth for a long time and so many times). I cant imagine marrying someone else, so please keep those advices to yourselves, I would appreciate solutions for this to work. 

 

In my mind, the plan I have, is to learn more about the division between shia and sunni and discuss it with her father during a fishing trip. Does this come out as an arrogant way? (I have some issues when it comes to social things...) And maybe I could convince/plant a seed in her father's mind about shia. 

 

 

Her father doesnt see the division between shia and sunni as a big problem. How can I make it sound like it is? Because I think it is. The way we pray for example, if it only is about folding or not folding hands then all the other important aspects about prayers are not important either. Then everyone should however they like. 

 

 

Please help. Leaving her is out of question.

 

Wassalam

 

 

 

Please go ahead and marry her! Don't make haram on yourself what Allah has made halal. 

[YaaAllah]

Please go ahead and marry her! Don't make haram on yourself what Allah has made halal.

I wish i had done it... I lost my chance I think...

[FromShiaSunniBrotherhood]

I wish i had done it... I lost my chance I think...

 

I am sorry to hear that.  If there is a slightest possibility and if you really want to, go talk to her. 

All the best!

[Skanderbeg]

Salam, 

There can be lot of good in something that you consider to be bad and vice versa.