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In the Name of God بسم الله
molaayi_from_lahore

What Are My Options For A 2nd Wife

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you sir - knowing you are an elder, i dont even want to get started on you as i respect those elder than me. trust me, i am nowhere near the hollywood/bollywood version of marriage as i am in a disturbed marriage myself. like i said, i dont care how many wives he has, i just wish hed be truthful to his whole family. if he wants to hide it, its a recipe for disaster and just demeaning to his wife. i dont think shes done anything THAT wrong to deserve this..

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you sir - knowing you are an elder, i dont even want to get started on you as i respect those elder than me. trust me, i am nowhere near the hollywood/bollywood version of marriage as i am in a disturbed marriage myself. like i said, i dont care how many wives he has, i just wish hed be truthful to his whole family. if he wants to hide it, its a recipe for disaster and just demeaning to his wife. i dont think shes done anything THAT wrong to deserve this..

 

She hasn't done anything wrong - she is just in a marriage that lacks love and respect - which is not uncommon.  It is better that this man get another wife that he does love and respect than end up being mean to her and her children.  Maybe he will be settled with the woman he loves. If he would be so cowardly to not tell his wife and her family that he is doing this, I am sure there are many other things that are not being shared.  He is choosing to live a very complex (and hence stressful) life.  His choice completely. The wife cannot do anything about this but she can choose how she reacts to it. Hopefully, she is mature enough to make some wise decisions as to how she will handle it.

 

Polygamous relationships are different from what you are thinking of as what is commonly viewed as a marriage here.

 

I have seen polygamous marriages in the gulf and it is not like it is here with a nuclear family, mom and dad and the kids.  It is a very different structure.  The husband/father literally visits (kind of like a favorite uncle) the wife and her children on a rotating basis and everyone is polite and well mannered and then he leaves. He is treated with respect but unless he has a favorite child, he has limited interaction with his children. The kids look at the mom as the parent (as we would define parent) and have an emotional connection with her. I was a kid myself so I don’t know how intimate the relationship with the mother is but I know that they accept a very part time husband.  He pays the bills and the servants and she is free to do whatever she wants to do.  Love is a not a basic concept of marriage – but it is more a responsibility and the husband and wife fulfill their duties.  As men get older, they get younger wives and divorce of the older wives is not uncommon but everyone seems to be taken care of. Close intimate relationships are between the mom and kids and the mom is the intermediary and advocates on behalf of her children to their father.  No one seemed to complain about it, it is what it is and is totally accepted.

 

The downside that I could see is that the man has favorite wives and children (some wives get all they need and more, and others need to continually “advocate” for themselves and families) and the wives (an open secret) do have relationships with young men. Women are human and have human needs - something that seems to get lost in this system.  When I questioned this, I was told that women had their children for emotional fulfillment and that their nature was not be be sexual - or something like that.. I am not sure if they are looking for sexual or emotional or both - but they ARE looking.

Edited by Maryaam

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 4:25 and 5:5 that condemn secretiveness with regard to male and female non-platonic relations.

 

3:17 'The patient, and the truthful, and the obedient, and those who spend (benevolently) and those who ask forgiveness in the morning times.'

 

30:21 And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.

 

So if you fear God i suggest you act very cautiously.

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Sami, most women today enter marriage with an expectation of a lifelong commitment of love and support in a monogamous relationship from their husbands.  To break out of this commitment for reasons you know your wife would not have approved of when you set out to marry her in the first place is highly immoral.

 

You can talk all you want about what islam technically justifies, this isn't the 1200's, polygamy today isn't the norm, and it is utterly disingenuous to expect women who have put their heart and soul into raising your children and unconditionally supporting you to mechanically accept such transgressions without any prior inclination or explanation at the time of initial contract.  This is akin to you signing a lease contract with me (over all the other candidates) in good faith in which I am conventionally expected to return the property to you after a certain length of time, but I choose not to return it to you since there is a provision which hardly anyone ever utilizes allowing me to buy off the property for a dollar (when it was clearly implied and understood that such a step would not be undertaken).  It is even worse if I were to pull off such a stunt with a loved one, to whom I owe a lifelong of gratitude.  A just god will never accept such a lame excuse, acting in bad faith and breaking someone's heart has to be one of the biggest sins out there, it is far worse than simply not fulfilling your responsibilities.  The fact that certain things are legal in islam doesn't make it appropriate to utilize such mechanisms to totally crush someone's reasonable expectations and indeed their emotional well being.  To call this sort of man a coward is being extremely generous.

Edited by King

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4:25 and 5:5 that condemn secretiveness with regard to male and female non-platonic relations.

3:17 'The patient, and the truthful, and the obedient, and those who spend (benevolently) and those who ask forgiveness in the morning times.'

30:21 And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.

So if you fear God i suggest you act very cautiously.

Molaayi, if you are reading this, I urge you to read this above me.

 

o madam, you sound like a typical woman who starts speaking without thinking too much. are you single ?

You really shouldn't be asking these kinds of questions. It is an invasion of privacy.

 

oh great. you are really good woman. where can I find one like you ? :-)

This is proof to me that you aren't ready for a second wife, you need to change your mind set. Besides, you won't listen to Sami II, is very knowledgeable on the subject of multiple wives.

 

hey brother.... you made your reply sound like I am just thirsty for sex and nothing else... in fact it is completely the opposite.. i have had dated women in complete privacy and never crossed the boundary where sex starts, even though I had all the power to do that.. even though none of them would be objectioning it but thanks Allah I never did that...

Just because you haven't done anything sexual yet, doesn't mean that the thought won't be whispered or suggested to yourself anytime soon. It probably already has been suggested to you.

the reason is MORE love for this new lady .... and lack of love for my existing wife.. nothing sexual FOR NOW..

and you were right when you said that "

I would recommend trying to fix the relationship between you and your wife first, before getting a second wife, and your reasons are now for love? First, it was dawah, then it was extra sexual energies and now love? Molaayi, if I had said such a thing to my father like you just said, he would probably kill me. These reasons are nothing but excuses and lame, half-baked excuses at that. Your words are again, proof that you are not ready for the responsibility of having multiple wives.

On the other hand, the second thing you're doing is listing down all the possible outcomes of this decision and cleverly thinking of ways to prevent it from happening."

wold you mind telling me your gender ?

Again, why you asking people's genders, it's an invasion of privacy and irrelevant to the discussion at hand.

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Sami, most women today enter marriage with an expectation of a lifelong commitment of love and support in a monogamous relationship from their husbands.  To break out of this commitment for reasons you know your wife would not have approved of when you set out to marry her in the first place is highly immoral.

 

You can talk all you want about what islam technically justifies, this isn't the 1200's, polygamy today isn't the norm, and it is utterly disingenuous to expect women who have put their heart and soul into raising your children and unconditionally supporting you to mechanically accept such transgressions without any prior inclination or explanation at the time of initial contract.  This is akin to you signing a lease contract with me (over all the other candidates) in good faith in which I am conventionally expected to return the property to you after a certain length of time, but I choose not to return it to you since there is a provision which hardly anyone ever utilizes allowing me to buy off the property for a dollar (when it was clearly implied and understood that such a step would not be undertaken).  It is even worse if I were to pull off such a stunt with a loved one, to whom I owe a lifelong of gratitude.  A just god will never accept such a lame excuse, acting in bad faith and breaking someone's heart has to be one of the biggest sins out there, it is far worse than simply not fulfilling your responsibilities.  The fact that certain things are legal in islam doesn't make it appropriate to utilize such mechanisms to totally crush someone's reasonable expectations and indeed their emotional well being.  To call this sort of man a coward is being extremely generous.

 

 

 

These women of today get neither a life long commitment, nor support, nor love, nor a monogamous relationship from their husband.

Shall I get into the stats of divorce these days ?

As for support, is sending the wife out on a full time job during the day and then a full time job tending to you and your kids at night support ?

Do you mean a monogamous marriage is when the man promises to his wife that she is the only one while he has many on the side in secret?

Love ? what do men know of love, a "grunt" and an "ugh" are not words of affection. 

So let the women expect all they want and live in a fairytale psy ops.

But we are :Shia, those who are preparing for :Al-Hujjat (as).

Islamic laws such as polygamy and :Mutah have no expiry dates and such concepts are  advance, innovative and beyond their times.

That's why today's men still can't grasp such things as most still choose monogamy and "cheating".

This model is sold to most of the young men today by their mothers who are influenced by hollywood/bollywood.

This one wife, love and riding off in the sunset model doesn't work, has never worked and will not work.

To serve and prepare for :Al-Hujjat (as) in the best way, you need a marriage model based on :Islamic polygamy. ( not the eastern ways )

You need more then 1.7 kids.

You need more then a job.

You need more then going to 10 day crying programmes.

You need to think beyond sex , food and love for the wife.

You need to love only your :imam (as) and show this to your wives that he is more important then them or the kids.

I have advised the OP in order to succeed in an islamic way, he must let the wives know of his intentions before marriage, they must all be on the same page.

The OP is young, and he sounds foolish, but he has come here for advise, and most of you are sold out to this one wife/ one love programming.

None of you brothers are  attempting or thinking of having more then one wife to lead, to support , to protect, and to serve :Al-Hujjat (as) .

 

At least the OP wants to though it is not in the right way. and as an older  brother I give him the benefit of having good intentions and guide him towards the correct way the best I could. That should be the job of his father, but he doesn't seem to do his job of guiding him. All I say here is the same things I tell my sons and daughters, I show them how to live in a polygamous family, it's not prefect, it has it's ups and downs like anything in life, but my :Imam (as) is so patient and eager to assist me and anyone who asks for help.

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These women of today get neither a life long commitment, nor support, nor love, nor a monogamous relationship from their husband.

Shall I get into the stats of divorce these days ?

As for support, is sending the wife out on a full time job during the day and then a full time job tending to you and your kids at night support ?

Do you mean a monogamous marriage is when the man promises to his wife that she is the only one while he has many on the side in secret?

Love ? what do men know of love, a "grunt" and an "ugh" are not words of affection. 

So let the women expect all they want and live in a fairytale psy ops.

But we are :Shia, those who are preparing for :Al-Hujjat (as).

Islamic laws such as polygamy and :Mutah have no expiry dates and such concepts are  advance, innovative and beyond their times.

That's why today's men still can't grasp such things as most still choose monogamy and "cheating".

This model is sold to most of the young men today by their mothers who are influenced by hollywood/bollywood.

This one wife, love and riding off in the sunset model doesn't work, has never worked and will not work.

To serve and prepare for :Al-Hujjat (as) in the best way, you need a marriage model based on :Islamic polygamy. ( not the eastern ways )

You need more then 1.7 kids.

You need more then a job.

You need more then going to 10 day crying programmes.

You need to think beyond sex , food and love for the wife.

You need to love only your :imam (as) and show this to your wives that he is more important then them or the kids.

I have advised the OP in order to succeed in an islamic way, he must let the wives know of his intentions before marriage, they must all be on the same page.

The OP is young, and he sounds foolish, but he has come here for advise, and most of you are sold out to this one wife/ one love programming.

None of you brothers are  attempting or thinking of having more then one wife to lead, to support , to protect, and to serve :Al-Hujjat (as) .

 

At least the OP wants to though it is not in the right way. and as an older  brother I give him the benefit of having good intentions and guide him towards the correct way the best I could. That should be the job of his father, but he doesn't seem to do his job of guiding him. All I say here is the same things I tell my sons and daughters, I show them how to live in a polygamous family, it's not prefect, it has it's ups and downs like anything in life, but my :Imam (as) is so patient and eager to assist me and anyone who asks for help.

 

Yes we know there are a lot of evil women in the world, and the divorce rates are alarmingly high. It still doesn't change the fact that turning your back on a loved one when it was at the very least expected that you would remain faithful is extremely immoral, and you can't just use rather liberal islamic laws as a justification. We also have to be mindful of the children.  I don't know what fairy tales you are referring to, his wife is stuck with having to take care of his children while this man carries on falling in love with women on the side, she isn't living in a dream world, it is quite a sorry state of affairs, she is simply expecting her husband to live up to the most elementary standards of morality.

 

Monogamous marriages are a lot of hard work, they aren't about driving off into the sunsets.  It is irrational and impractical to encourage polygamous marriages for most of your brothers, it would only mean that there are no women left for the rest of us to marry, isn't that selfish?  If the female to male ratio was 3 to 1 maybe you would have a point, but as it stands it demonstrates a lack of touch with reality. It is great that you have enjoyed a fruitful life in a polygamous arrangement but there are countless brothers having difficulty finding a suitable spouse as it is

 

I agree with you that if a man harbours such intentions, it should be made clear at the outset, which I highly doubt was in this case, either way keeping affairs secret from your wife is unfair.  

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Yes we know there are a lot of evil women in the world, and the divorce rates are alarmingly high. It still doesn't change the fact that turning your back on a loved one when it was at the very least expected that you would remain faithful is extremely immoral, and you can't just use rather liberal islamic laws as a justification. We also have to be mindful of the children.  I don't know what fairy tales you are referring to, his wife is stuck with having to take care of his children while this man carries on falling in love with women on the side, she isn't living in a dream world, it is quite a sorry state of affairs, she is simply expecting her husband to live up to the most elementary standards of morality.

 

Monogamous marriages are a lot of hard work, they aren't about driving off into the sunsets.  It is irrational and impractical to encourage polygamous marriages for most of your brothers, it would only mean that there are no women left for the rest of us to marry, isn't that selfish?  If the female to male ratio was 3 to 1 maybe you would have a point, but as it stands it demonstrates a lack of touch with reality. It is great that you have enjoyed a fruitful life in a polygamous arrangement but there are countless brothers having difficulty finding a suitable spouse as it is

 

I agree with you that if a man harbours such intentions, it should be made clear at the outset, which I highly doubt was in this case, either way keeping affairs secret from your wife is unfair.  

The ratio of :Momims that will assist the :Imam (as) to women is currently at 313 to 4,000,000,000.

So the :momins taking a few wives to prepare for him would not really effect the stats, and would leave many women for the one wife one husband model.

I have never in my entire life had only have one wife, so I cannot say if it's hard work or not. I always had  a min of 4 and I have always declared this to everyone from the start.

But from observing everyone else around me, I can say it is lot easier to have everything in the open then to keep it a secret.

I mean it's lot harder to have the "affairs" secretly as it take effort and always ends in disaster.

I find letting all my women know of everything before anything so much easier.

Saying this, all brothers here will choose the the one wife option and many ( like 99.9% ) will have others in secret.

For the sisters reading this, most men have more then one woman, the richer they are the more, the more chariismatic they are they more, the more handsome they are the many, the more pious they are the more, the more of a man they are the more women they have , this is a fact, and I have just said the most guarded secret of a man.

"never believe your husband when he says you are the only one "

From the 10,000 men i have known in my life, only 2 were with one woman , and of these 2 had it any other way, they would be different.

But I'm an old man, from the old ways, and what scares me is that men these days are becoming women and women becoming men.

Those ratios most likely be different today and more men would probably settle for one woman all their life like a good little man-wife.

And the women these days, well here down under in sunny Australia the women practise polygamy openly.

this is a definite sign of the return of :Al-hujjat(as) is near  inshallah.

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She hasn't done anything wrong - she is just in a marriage that lacks love and respect - which is not uncommon.  It is better that this man get another wife that he does love and respect than end up being mean to her and her children.  Maybe he will be settled with the woman he loves. If he would be so cowardly to not tell his wife and her family that he is doing this, I am sure there are many other things that are not being shared.  He is choosing to live a very complex (and hence stressful) life.  His choice completely. The wife cannot do anything about this but she can choose how she reacts to it. Hopefully, she is mature enough to make some wise decisions as to how she will handle it.

 

Polygamous relationships are different from what you are thinking of as what is commonly viewed as a marriage here.

 

I have seen polygamous marriages in the gulf and it is not like it is here with a nuclear family, mom and dad and the kids.  It is a very different structure.  The husband/father literally visits (kind of like a favorite uncle) the wife and her children on a rotating basis and everyone is polite and well mannered and then he leaves. He is treated with respect but unless he has a favorite child, he has limited interaction with his children. The kids look at the mom as the parent (as we would define parent) and have an emotional connection with her. I was a kid myself so I don’t know how intimate the relationship with the mother is but I know that they accept a very part time husband.  He pays the bills and the servants and she is free to do whatever she wants to do.  Love is a not a basic concept of marriage – but it is more a responsibility and the husband and wife fulfill their duties.  As men get older, they get younger wives and divorce of the older wives is not uncommon but everyone seems to be taken care of. Close intimate relationships are between the mom and kids and the mom is the intermediary and advocates on behalf of her children to their father.  No one seemed to complain about it, it is what it is and is totally accepted.

 

The downside that I could see is that the man has favorite wives and children (some wives get all they need and more, and others need to continually “advocate” for themselves and families) and the wives (an open secret) do have relationships with young men. Women are human and have human needs - something that seems to get lost in this system.  When I questioned this, I was told that women had their children for emotional fulfillment and that their nature was not be be sexual - or something like that.. I am not sure if they are looking for sexual or emotional or both - but they ARE looking.

this is far from an example of :Islamic polygamy marriages, and those people in the Gulf are not the best examples of our :Deen.

Just take a look at places like Dubai, the biggest hypocrisy.

Most people seem to be stuck in this "bi-polar" models of marriage.

the west of one wife one husband love respect etc which doesn't work.

the east with it's many wives etc, no love, only duty , support etc etc.

What about the :Islamic version as practised by the :Rasool (as) and the :Imams (as)?

What about the motto of the :Shia ;

"neither east nor west"

what about including our beloved :Al-Hujjat (as) into our marriages and loving him and respecting him more and doing what he says to do.

Or Islam has just become a religion now like all others and does not need to be included into marriages anymore?

Edited by :Sami II

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I am surprised that no one appreciated the fact that I am not going for the 'sin' and instead seeking a halal relationship. But thank you all members for pointing out different outcomes. That was some good food for thought

 

and 'Sami ll' you are the man :-)

No bro, you're the man, but be a good man 

let your wife know of your intentions now, sit down with her, your father and mother, a trusted mulana and have a serious discussion about your intentions.

forget about this other lady unless she becomes a muslim before marriage for genuine reasons and she must also be told.

it will not be easy, but you might as well have things go crazy with your dignity for telling the truth then to lie.

Worse case might be that your wife will not accept it and wants divorce.

If you were upfront with her now then to let her find out on her own which she will, you will have a better chance as your respect might still be intact after the storm calms.

Either way it's not going to be a pretty site.

For all brothers thinking about polygamy, my advice it to lay it all on the table before anything.

"put all options on the table" 

 

The first words you should utter to your prospective future wife after salam is;

 

"I will have many wives and you will never be the only one"

 

make sure you have bullet proof vest on and have some :Duas handy.

Most like 99.999999999% of women will run, but that .000000001% who will stick around and ask 

 

"really ...wow so cool, as long as I'm the first"

 

you reply 

 

"​yes always the first but never the  last "

 

and marry them ...

 

ws

Edited by :Sami II

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If you want to marry the Christian woman that you want, than divorce the wife and her family.  You are replacing her for someone you love and want to be with and if you have any kindness you will give her a chance at finding someone too.  


 

Worse case might be that your wife will not accept it and wants divorce.

 

 

Not worse for her if she can find someone who wants to be with her.

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I am surprised that no one appreciated the fact that I am not going for the 'sin' and instead seeking a halal relationship.

 

 

I sometimes don't understand these married men.... Here something Especially for men....

 

Prophet(pbuh) said, When you see a beautiful woman, go back to your wife because you'll get the same thing from your wife as from that beautiful woman. 

 

The sin you are talking can be completely avoided only if people reflect. But at the end of the day it's people who have to use their own free will to make their decisions.  

Edited by struggling_On

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