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molaayi_from_lahore

What Are My Options For A 2nd Wife

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Emotions, sexual desires, daawah, etc. has no real meaning if an innocent person/people who trust you are harmed.

I think this statement is the most important point for the OP to take from this discussion.

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You shouldn't hide it from your wife. She will consider you as wrong, if your happy and mashaAllah as you said, you have kids as well.. then why do you want another wife? If you do and are committed to getting a second wife, then don't hide it from your first wife because the truth will come out one day.

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@Naz_

 

We or at least I didn't judge him for asking a question - it's the question itself that I judged him for. There's a difference.

Edited by apofomysback

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(salam)

 

I am incredulous that this thread has lasted so long.

 

Couple of observations:

 

From the comments; The Hameedehstanis "are on the war path" because the topic is "offensive to sensibilities" <--my guesstimate

 

Excellent point --> look to the harm this may do

 

Good point --> think ahead ( like 30-40 years out -ed.) as hameedeh recommended

 

Added point (by me) --> study the money

 

Historical note: my ex said she would go along with it, but l gave her veto power in the marriage contract anyway

 

I personally know that multiple wives work even in the USA. One brother around here has four, 13? kids and he supports everyone well, l hear.

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(salam)

 

I am incredulous that this thread has lasted so long.

 

Couple of observations:

 

From the comments; The Hameedehstanis "are on the war path" because the topic is "offensive to sensibilities" <--my guesstimate

 

Excellent point --> look to the harm this may do

 

Good point --> think ahead ( like 30-40 years out -ed.) as hameedeh recommended

 

Added point (by me) --> study the money

 

Historical note: my ex said she would go along with it, but l gave her veto power in the marriage contract anyway

 

I personally know that multiple wives work even in the USA. One brother around here has four, 13? kids and he supports everyone well, l hear.

 

So the hiding it from everyone bit is fine?  Even my brother in law had 3 wives - the last one shot him dead after being married to him for 9 years, and the other two never forgave him for hiding his third marriage from them...even after he died.

Edited by apofomysback

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The Hameedehstanis "are on the war path" because the topic is "offensive to sensibilities" <--my guesstimate

 

 

This whole thread was worth just to read that.  Although you didn't come up with the word, but you did give it a use.  Perhaps we have to define what that means?

 

Otherwise, this thread is ridiculous.  I could never fathom more than one wife.  Maybe its my modern day bias, but it seems inconceivable to me from any angle.  And unless you are a Saudi or Nigerian aristocrat, it should be for all of us too.  It must just be so COOL to talk about it in an online forum.  Try to talking to anyone outside your keyboard, and they will think you are absolutely insane.  Not denying that somebody could be attracted and want multiple women (many people do that outside of marriage anyway), but with self-described non-animals like us, with our social inhibitions, the chances of acting upon it through multiple marriages is virtually nil. 

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salaam everyone...

 

here i am back... i do not find time to frequently visit this website because I am tooo much too much busy in my professional duties....

and when I say i am quite smart and handsome i mean it i am good looking thanks to Allah... i am very good at making friends, i am even good at making female friends (not girl friends) which is not normal in my country... i believe that a man (not woman) can fall in love multiple times and I have fallen in love 3rd time now... with a girl who loves me and i love her...  i try to follow my religious duties as well as maximum as possible.. although i have had some girl friends in the past as young as 16 years old ( u can think how cute i am that a 16 year girl becomes my gf in 30 year) but thanks to Allah i have never committed major sin (extra-marrital sex)... the reasons i want to marry 2nd time are

 

1- i love this girl and she loves me

2- i have extra sexual energies than most normal men and I do not want to commit sin

3- she is christian and i see a chance for islamic 'daawa' in this occasion that i may motivate her towards Islam

 

and the reasons I want to keep it hidden from my 1st family are

 

1- in sub-continent women do not like 2nd marriage concept, unlike Arab countries..

2- i think that my wife would get upset and take my child away from me and my child is my life and i can't live without him

3- my father can also be upset on me :-) 

 

 

apart from these questions, i have another question in mind... what if I would have been born and living in some Arab country for example Saudia, Iraq, Jordan, Qatar etc... would it had been easier for me to keep two wives at the same time?

 

what is your gender ?

 

1. So you're 30 and the girl is 16 ? Ummm...if you're so good looking then why are you getting involved with a child and not a grown adult woman?  :sick:

 

2. You have "extra sexual energies than most normal men"? Define "extra sexual energies".  :rolleyes:

 

3. So you want to keep it a secret because you're afraid your wife will leave you and take your children? Gosh, I wonder why she would do that. So this new 16 year old child is more important to you than your children?  :wacko:

 

I still think the OP is having some fun with us because I'm seriously cracking up here.  :D

 

However, on the notion that there might be someone reading this thread and taking it seriously I'll just mention this. Forget this 16 year old child that you're attracted to. Go home to your wife and children and give them the life and love they deserve from their husband/father.

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(salam)

 

apofomysback:  He, the four wives guy, probably only "hides" it so the state doesn't start messing with all their lives.

 

magma:  I use to tease my ex by saying l should get another wife. She'd say "you can have four". She had a thick skin so it was hard to rile her --one of her better attributes.

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(salam)

 

apofomysback:  He, the four wives guy, probably only "hides" it so the state doesn't start messing with all their lives.

 

magma:  I use to tease my ex by saying l should get another wife. She'd say "you can have four". She had a thick skin so it was hard to rile her --one of her better attributes.

hmm... good luck to him what that then Hasan

 

still waiting for the OP to reply though LOL 

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Here's the short answer, 

 

You need the permission of your first wife to marry her, according to consensus

opinion amoung marjaa' (since your first wife is muslima and she is not)

There is a very, very slim, itsy, bitsy, teenie, tiny, .....

snowball's chance in hell, .....

chance that she will give her permission. 

So forget about this girl and figure out other options to deal with the 'extra energy'

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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hey guys... i did not ever at any place on this thread wrote that SHE is 16 years old.. please read carefully before commenting. the 16 years old was a fellow some time back.. not THIS ONE which I am talking about... reply others later.. so much busy at the moment.


It made me feel quite sad to read some of the responses from members on here. Whether the OP was joking or not, he shouldn't have been automatically judged or disrespected for asking a question.  

 

thanks Naz for understanding.


(salam)

 

I am incredulous that this thread has lasted so long.

 

Couple of observations:

 

From the comments; The Hameedehstanis "are on the war path" because the topic is "offensive to sensibilities" <--my guesstimate

 

Excellent point --> look to the harm this may do

 

Good point --> think ahead ( like 30-40 years out -ed.) as hameedeh recommended

 

Added point (by me) --> study the money

 

Historical note: my ex said she would go along with it, but l gave her veto power in the marriage contract anyway

 

I personally know that multiple wives work even in the USA. One brother around here has four, 13? kids and he supports everyone well, l hear.

 

oh i wish i had that much money then i would have definitely gone for four :-)


1. So you're 30 and the girl is 16 ? Ummm...if you're so good looking then why are you getting involved with a child and not a grown adult woman?  :sick:

 

2. You have "extra sexual energies than most normal men"? Define "extra sexual energies".  :rolleyes:

 

3. So you want to keep it a secret because you're afraid your wife will leave you and take your children? Gosh, I wonder why she would do that. So this new 16 year old child is more important to you than your children?  :wacko:

 

I still think the OP is having some fun with us because I'm seriously cracking up here.  :D

 

However, on the notion that there might be someone reading this thread and taking it seriously I'll just mention this. Forget this 16 year old child that you're attracted to. Go home to your wife and children and give them the life and love they deserve from their husband/father.

 

please read carefully the entire thing. i never said that THIS PARTICULAR girl is 16.. the 16 was someone else in the past

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^that's the internet for me today...

 

are you honestly this uncommitted to your wife? wanting 4 wives when you already have 1 whose given birth to your children? is something wrong with her or what?

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wife is a part of life, not the life itself.

So is the husband also a part of life, a part of the wife's life and not the life itself; This dunya is temporary and the afterlife is eternity. This decision has drastic consequences, I think it would be very wise to reconsider. You can do dawah to this Christian woman without marrying her and although you have the right to a second wife, why not let your loyal, loving wife help you release your energies? Life is full of gray areas and given the situation you described, you are no position to have a second marriage; You will hurt your father, wife, and son if you take this Christian woman as your second wife. I urge you to consider being truthful with your wife and father about this woman and as a brother said this to before me, there's probably a very small chance that your wife will agree to this. Besides, what if the Christian woman marries you and decides after a while that she no longer loves you? What will you do then? This is something to consider. Having a second wife is halal for you but I don't think your intentions are halal.

Overall, I think it would be much simpler to just ask you wife to help relieve you of your excess energy.

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wife is a part of life, not the life itself.

Shows how low you think of women ... your wife in particular. i pity the poor woman.

 

feel sorry for all your wives, present and future

 

for his wife and him too - for the pathetic low mind he has. honestly, people like him make me hate men even more :/

So is the husband also a part of life, a part of the wife's life and not the life itself; This dunya is temporary and the afterlife is eternity. This decision has drastic consequences, I think it would be very wise to reconsider. You can do dawah to this Christian woman without marrying her and although you have the right to a second wife, why not let your loyal, loving wife help you release your energies? Life is full of gray areas and given the situation you described, you are no position to have a second marriage; You will hurt your father, wife, and son if you take this Christian woman as your second wife. I urge you to consider being truthful with your wife and father about this woman and as a brother said this to before me, there's probably a very small chance that your wife will agree to this. Besides, what if the Christian woman marries you and decides after a while that she no longer loves you? What will you do then? This is something to consider. Having a second wife is halal for you but I don't think your intentions are halal.

Overall, I think it would be much simpler to just ask you wife to help relieve you of your excess energy.

he isn't telling anyone his reason to want to marry this christian lady. trust me, the islam and dawah stance are plain rubbish. it all boils down to the sex bit because if it really was islam, and he's such a wonderful follower of islam, he'd have a tad bit more respect for his wife, parents, kids, and women in general. i mean, just look at the way he's boasting about wanting 4 wives,,,a wife not being 'life'.. and the list goes on. speaks a lot for his mindset. 

 

sorry if i sound rude OP - but your mentality is plain outright dirt.

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Shows how low you think of women ... your wife in particular. i pity the poor woman.

for his wife and him too - for the pathetic low mind he has. honestly, people like him make me hate men even more :/

he isn't telling anyone his reason to want to marry this christian lady. trust me, the islam and dawah stance are plain rubbish. it all boils down to the sex bit because if it really was islam, and he's such a wonderful follower of islam, he'd have a tad bit more respect for his wife, parents, kids, and women in general. i mean, just look at the way he's boasting about wanting 4 wives,,,a wife not being 'life'.. and the list goes on. speaks a lot for his mindset.

sorry if i sound rude OP - but your mentality is plain outright dirt.

I also feel sorry for his wife....

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Shows how low you think of women ... your wife in particular. i pity the poor woman.

 

 

for his wife and him too - for the pathetic low mind he has. honestly, people like him make me hate men even more :/

he isn't telling anyone his reason to want to marry this christian lady. trust me, the islam and dawah stance are plain rubbish. it all boils down to the sex bit because if it really was islam, and he's such a wonderful follower of islam, he'd have a tad bit more respect for his wife, parents, kids, and women in general. i mean, just look at the way he's boasting about wanting 4 wives,,,a wife not being 'life'.. and the list goes on. speaks a lot for his mindset. 

 

sorry if i sound rude OP - but your mentality is plain outright dirt.

That's what I trying to say but in the most respectful way possible. I'm aghast at the fact that he wants to do mutah despite it being against his father's wishes and not seeing the damage it will do to his wife and son.

Normally, I don't mind people doing Mutah but the way he has to do covertly is just so irresponsible; I pity his family that he is complemtating this in secret. Shameful.

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People have time and energy for second wife... Even after having kids with first wife !!! Dude the extra time and resources that you think have for second wife invest it in your business, or studies or career or something else which is more productive .... that'll benefit you and your present family more in long term. And take care of your wife and kids better, provide more facilities to them and that's surely a greatest form of worship. That's my humble advise....

Edited by struggling_On

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(bismillah)

Salam, everyone.

 

Let's get straight to the point shall we? It is blatantly clear that the drawbacks far outweigh the pros of what you're contemplating. I think that's clear to anyone who has half of his usual wits about him. I think the real reason you're asking this question here is that you want approval. You've already decided that you are going to go through with this. Perhaps some part of you wants to get rid of that annoying guilty conscience and hence you came here for moral support. On the other hand, the second thing you're doing is listing down all the possible outcomes of this decision and cleverly thinking of ways to prevent it from happening. 

 

Honestly, to me it seems like you will act out your intentions regardless of what the members of this forum tell you. I don't want to sound judgmental, but it's hard not to. The reasons you've given us do not seem to maintain their clarity under the microscope. Is it that hard to get your wife to fulfill your needs? There are so many ways to get her to want you sexually. For the love of Ahlul Bayt(as), take her out on a romantic date. Watch bad chick flicks together. Stuff yourselves full of marshmallows and play Chubby Bunny. There are so many books on how to make sex a daily activity in your marriage. Pick one of those books up, read it, implement it and treat your wife the way she deserves to be treated. Unless she's physically unable to fulfill your needs or unless you've abused her in your marriage, why would she refuse? You said you're good looking, well then your wife deserves to enjoy your good looks more than some strange Christian girl that you're not supposed to be talking to.
 

I think it is strange how there are Buddhists, and even Hindus, who treat their families with more respect and dignity than Muslims do--and Shi'is at that! Is this where we've come as a nation? Hiding secret Mut'as from our wife and kids? Destroying the fabric of our family? Always talking about our "Islamic Rights" and never fulfilling our own family's human rights? 

 

Oh sincere lovers of Muhammad, please tell me this is not something we should get used to.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               Take care,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Mithrandir.

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wife is a part of life, not the life itself.

 

That's a horrible opinion to have. Just horrible. Clearly shows the lack of affection you have for the woman you married. 

 

A wife is given to you in trust in this world. Your Nikah may end at death but you are still held accountable for how you treated her during that time. Your repsonsibilities are not just financially but also emotionally. 

 

If you are going to marry this other girl but still keep it a secret from your first wife then you are being irresponsible with her feelings. Yes, Islam allows you to take another wife, but it does not afford you the right to hurt her in any way. Keep that in mind because doing this in secret will do nothing but destroy her happiness. 

 

At first I thought this thread was a joke but clearly you have a masculine dominance thing going (insecurity for lack of a better word). Men like you shouldn't even be allowed to marry one woman let alone multiple women.

 

BTW...does the Christian girl know you are already married ?

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Shows how low you think of women ... your wife in particular. i pity the poor woman.

 

 

for his wife and him too - for the pathetic low mind he has. honestly, people like him make me hate men even more :/

he isn't telling anyone his reason to want to marry this christian lady. trust me, the islam and dawah stance are plain rubbish. it all boils down to the sex bit because if it really was islam, and he's such a wonderful follower of islam, he'd have a tad bit more respect for his wife, parents, kids, and women in general. i mean, just look at the way he's boasting about wanting 4 wives,,,a wife not being 'life'.. and the list goes on. speaks a lot for his mindset. 

 

sorry if i sound rude OP - but your mentality is plain outright dirt.

 

o madam, you sound like a typical woman who starts speaking without thinking too much. are you single ?

 

I don't mind if my husband decides to take a second wife. I know I will always remain dutiful towards him and our children. Nothing can affect my love for him. I am aware of my Islamic duties towards my family. And my sole purpose in life is to please Allah(SWT) at all times.

 

May Allah(SWT) help us all become better Muslims. AMEEN and INSHALLAH. :)

 

oh great. you are really good woman. where can I find one like you ? :-)

(bismillah)

Salam, everyone.

 

Let's get straight to the point shall we? It is blatantly clear that the drawbacks far outweigh the pros of what you're contemplating. I think that's clear to anyone who has half of his usual wits about him. I think the real reason you're asking this question here is that you want approval. You've already decided that you are going to go through with this. Perhaps some part of you wants to get rid of that annoying guilty conscience and hence you came here for moral support. On the other hand, the second thing you're doing is listing down all the possible outcomes of this decision and cleverly thinking of ways to prevent it from happening. 

 

Honestly, to me it seems like you will act out your intentions regardless of what the members of this forum tell you. I don't want to sound judgmental, but it's hard not to. The reasons you've given us do not seem to maintain their clarity under the microscope. Is it that hard to get your wife to fulfill your needs? There are so many ways to get her to want you sexually. For the love of Ahlul Bayt(as), take her out on a romantic date. Watch bad chick flicks together. Stuff yourselves full of marshmallows and play Chubby Bunny. There are so many books on how to make sex a daily activity in your marriage. Pick one of those books up, read it, implement it and treat your wife the way she deserves to be treated. Unless she's physically unable to fulfill your needs or unless you've abused her in your marriage, why would she refuse? You said you're good looking, well then your wife deserves to enjoy your good looks more than some strange Christian girl that you're not supposed to be talking to.

 

I think it is strange how there are Buddhists, and even Hindus, who treat their families with more respect and dignity than Muslims do--and Shi'is at that! Is this where we've come as a nation? Hiding secret Mut'as from our wife and kids? Destroying the fabric of our family? Always talking about our "Islamic Rights" and never fulfilling our own family's human rights? 

 

Oh sincere lovers of Muhammad, please tell me this is not something we should get used to.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               Take care,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Mithrandir.

 

hey brother.... you made your reply sound like I am just thirsty for sex and nothing else... in fact it is completely the opposite.. i have had dated women in complete privacy and never crossed the boundary where sex starts, even though I had all the power to do that.. even though none of them would be objectioning it but thanks Allah I never did that...

 

the reason is MORE love for this new lady .... and lack of love for my existing wife.. nothing sexual FOR NOW..

 

and you were right when you said that "On the other hand, the second thing you're doing is listing down all the possible outcomes of this decision and cleverly thinking of ways to prevent it from happening."

At first I thought this thread was a joke but clearly you have a masculine dominance thing going (insecurity for lack of a better word). Men like you shouldn't even be allowed to marry one woman let alone multiple women.

 

 

wold you mind telling me your gender ?

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^^^ Are you "dating" women while you are married or are you referring to before you were married - which must have been a while ago as you say you have children?  You seem to have a lot of intimate contact with women... or maybe I am reading this wrong. 

 

If you have a lack of love for your wife, getting a new wife is not going to change/improve that situation.  How about focusing on being a good father?  How you parent them now is going to determine their love and loyalty towards you in the future.  And no amount of "dating" will make up for that loss. 

 

You don't seem to be very grounded.  If you want to add the huge responsibility of another wife (and children), you need to make sure you are building on a firm foundation.  

Edited by Maryaam

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o madam, you sound like a typical woman who starts speaking without thinking too much. are you single ?

 

oh great. you are really good woman. where can I find one like you ? :-)

 

Alright so now women speak without thinking? its THIS pathetic masculine dominance attitude that sets me off. honestly im one of the few VERY openminded people here and might have supported you IF you gave genuine reasons - such as your wife not being able to fulfill your sexual needs (due to illness or something) - but your reasons are outright stupid. you love another woman instead of loving your wife - the mother of your children - but what when that new love fades away?will you marry a third? and then a fourth? and then divorce them all and start again? 

 

You actually thought youd post this here, and all of us would go "oh yeah go ahead cheat on your wife,keep your father in dark and marry this woman, oh and youre so holy cuz youre bringing a girl to islam?" well right, some of us actually use common sense here. first you wanted to marry this girl cuz of love and "extra sexual energy" and now its just love - like what are we? stupid?

 

oh and for the record - i am not single. heck, i actually have kids! 

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Alright so now women speak without thinking? its THIS pathetic masculine dominance attitude that sets me off. honestly im one of the few VERY openminded people here and might have supported you IF you gave genuine reasons - such as your wife not being able to fulfill your sexual needs (due to illness or something) - but your reasons are outright stupid. you love another woman instead of loving your wife - the mother of your children - but what when that new love fades away?will you marry a third? and then a fourth? and then divorce them all and start again? 

 

You actually thought youd post this here, and all of us would go "oh yeah go ahead cheat on your wife,keep your father in dark and marry this woman, oh and youre so holy cuz youre bringing a girl to islam?" well right, some of us actually use common sense here. first you wanted to marry this girl cuz of love and "extra sexual energy" and now its just love - like what are we? stupid?

 

oh and for the record - i am not single. heck, i actually have kids! 

I don't agree with the OP on the way he's approaching this and I've answered all his PM questions and shared  my thoughts as I'm the only member here with 4 wives , and none of them have a gun, except my mother in laws but that's another story.

As for you stating genuine reasons for polygamy, under :Islamic law a man does not require any, he can have as many as he wishes without any reason as long as he fulfils his duties of being just and fair, and he determines this, not the wives and definitely not the mother in laws. Loving the wives is not a duty nor a requirement of the man, and thank god for that and that's why the divorce can only be given by the husband. I mean can you imagine the many times the wives will divorce a man when she falls "out of love ". And  neither is getting permission from the father for a man to marry another wife is a requirement even if he's a virgin.

As for "cheating on wife " thing, there is no such thing in :Islam, as we are allowed to have many wives. ( permanent or temporary )

This is a Christian phrase for all the poor men that are stuck with one wife and need to have many others outside of marriage.

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idont care if he marries 2 women or 10 - the only reason im against him is because he wants to hide it from his wife. that's outright disrespectful and that's what anyone with even a bit of common sense would call cheating.

 

yes islam allowsfour marriages, but at least be honest with them all. loving the wives isn't a duty? so what the wives are mere robots there to fulfill sexual desires and give birth? is islam really THAT disrespectful towards women? i think and hope not...

I have advised the OP in order to be just, he must let all the wives know of he's intentions before he marries any of them (for permanent marriages ), this is the only way for polygamy to work and succeed. And he has other :Islamic requirements  such as they all must be Muslims etc .

You seem to be sold out on the hollywood/bollywood version of marriage, love is not a factor for marriage from the man, especially in a polygamous marriage. These marriages are done out of duty, for a higher purpose then some basic low chakra needs of a man.

Your theory may apply to  men with only one wife as most need  countless on the side in order to satisfy their "sexual needs", because it's so easy to swap the ones on the side every second day.

when you have four permanent wives, with over a dozen kids, and 4 mother in laws to support and prepare for :Al-Hujjat (as), this is a duty that goes beyond satisfying some base desires or some love story fairy tale of boy meets girl.

As for us allowed to only have only 4 wives, that is not true, we can have infinite wives, only 4 can be permanent and the others on 100 year :Mutah contracts.

( provided that all wives are treated with justice and equity not love  ) 

Love is overrated anyway, and this love you feel is self love, it's not real, it's an illusion.

Love only ;Allah swt and his :Imam (as), this is real love that will last for ever.

and listen to them, not some love story from disney.

When you love your :Imam (as) and when you listen to him , he would tell you to love your husband and to serve him.

This is real everlasting love , the love between a Momin and Mominad is real, and not the fake love  between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Edited by :Sami II

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