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In the Name of God بسم الله

There Was Once A Time

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There was a time a few years back when I was younger, I am 20 so when I was around 14. I not only avoided bad acts but I even avoided bad thoughts, naturally whenever I had a bad thought I would quickly be rid of it. 


Bad actions were out of the question, my gaze was low and it was hard for me to raise my gaze. When I saw other men stare at women I would feel ashamed but sadly now that I think of it, I have to keep telling myself to keep my gaze low and I still fail.


I don't know where or what went wrong, I was so innocent but now I feel like my legions fighting against Satan are dead and only a few injured ones are limping around fighting Satan within me, so hopelessly losing.


It is as though I have become my carnal desires, I continuously forget that I am not my desires and my desires are against me, I have to keep reminding myself. Each act I do is done for a selfish reason even charity is done for a selfish reason, not like the old days when I would just feel bad and give, now I give because I have been told it helps me.


I offer prayer but even that is for a selfish reason because if I don't do it I will be punished and if I do it then I am saved from punishment, given rewards, and I would have either pleased people or Allah.


When I don't know a person I like them but when I know them, I see their faults and as a result I lose heart for them and they become 'unworthy' in my eyes but the people who I don't know seem saintly and perfect and I am humbled before them. So I am forever spending money, treating people nicely, befriending them, only to forget them and repeat the process with new people.


Even with the land I have a problem, when I live here in the UK, I see its problems and envy a different place but at the different place I envy what I left remembering what the old land had which the new one lacks. 


Even with the seasons, in winter I wish for Summer and in Summer I wish for winter. 


I have also lost the plot about why I should interact with men and the only motive with interaction with women is lust and because of this I also keep away from women. 


Part of me wants to be noticed, tells myself that I am good but another part of me doesn't want to show off, wants to be good without being noticed and tells me I am worthless and useless and low. I have no idea about my worth, I have achieved nothing but I have also achieved something, I want to be pious and I am pious but I am only fooling myself in thinking this way. 


The only thing my heart, mind and soul agrees on is where I should be buried, the type of soil I want to be left alone in. I am fearful of being buried in a wet soil, it seems cold, damp and dark to me. I feel attraction and warmth when I think of being buried in a dry, warm soil. 


The only thing I seem to be certain of is my grave, or at least what I want my grave to be like. I don't know anything else. 


I was also in awe of the Scholars when they were out of reach but now I realize that those who give light are sitting on darkness, like a light bulb which illuminates its surrounding but beneath it is a shadow.


How can I get back to that innocence and revive the might of my legions against Satan? To live as a human, being Adam for which God praised himself and naturally giving priority to my soul before my desires.


Please quote each problem and give me an advice on each one separately as best as you can. 


Thank you.

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  • Veteran Member

Thats wonderful. It means you're not only a complete human being, but also you have been chosen for some serious testing (and serious reward). As you level up grow older you will be faced with more punishing tests and as a result there will be better rewards in the end. The blessed sahaba of the Nabi (pbuh) would become upset and restless whenever life became calm and without trial and they would ask their master if God has become unhappy with them.


If you are finally tired of the scholars then its time to make acquaintance with the blessed Imams (as) and their master the holy Prophet (pbuh). I recommend you start the journey by reading Kitab Sulaym bin Qays. Mullahs hate this book precisely because it trumps them and answers your deepest questions. Questions like why bad things happen to good people. Once you begin to see past their smoke and mirrors you will discover the great peace.


Keep reading about the blessed Imams. Read Bahaar ul Anwar. Then a must watch is Imam Ali a.s. Shaheed -e- Kufa which was aired on Iranian TV. You will study Imam Ali (as) through that. If you watch that 27 hours long program with 100% attention you will be able to identify the true straight path. So it is very valuable. By the end of a year in this quest, you will discover just why the 14 ma'soomeen are the greatest among creation, and how its not the som and salat rather a unrelenting and life long ordeal and worship with every breath which at time is found in humility and defeat and at times in victory and violence, sometimes in quickness while other times in stillness.


Arm yourself with that knowledge and Satan and every difficulty of life will become a source of amusement for you.

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  • Veteran Member

These are consequences of self knowledge, and of course knowledge requires responsibility and actions. Inocence is naturally attached to ignorance during our early years :).

The path of self knowledge is a lonely one, but also an extremely potentially beautiful one as well, and very fulfilling. We are what we are, and our desires and selfishness is also a part of us we won't be able to get rid of it. Recognizing it and having the intention to be over them is already a good step forward, though.

What preoccupied me most of your post is actually the problem you seem to have with people. Brother, not being able to see the beauty in the people may really deprive you of helping them and be of good use for the rest of the humanity. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand them and their backgrounds, regardless of the faults you see, as that may also make you appreciate the good even better. It may also grant you some nice social knowledge skills.

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