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In the Name of God بسم الله
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StarryNight

Why Marriage Doesn't Work Anymore

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(salam)

I found this article today and found it interesting. Of course in the context of Islam there is more to it, but his point is interesting.

I pasted the article as is for those too busy to click on it lol 

What ya'll think?

 

Columnist: 5 reasons marriage doesn't work anymore

Marriages today just don't work.

The million-dollar question? Why not?

It's a pretty simple concept — fall in love and share your life together. Our great grandparents did it, our grandparents followed suit, and for many of us, our parents did it as well.

Why the hell can't we?

Many of you will ask what gives me the right to share my advice or opinions.

I've been divorced myself. But I'm only one of the many people today that have failed at marriage. And while some of us have gone through a divorce, others stay in their relationships, miserably, and live completely phony lives.

These same people, though, are quick to point the finger and judge others for speaking up.

I've spent the better part of the last three years trying to understand the dating scene again. Back when I met my ex-wife in 2004, things were just so different. Social media had yet to explode. I had this desire to ask her about her day simply because I didn't know.

Texting was just starting to make its way into mainstream society, so if I wanted to speak to her, I had to call her.

If I wanted to see her, I had to drive to her house and knock on her door. Everything required an action on my part, or hers.

Today, things are different though.

Looking back nearly 11 years, I began to wonder how different things were for the older generations.

More importantly, I wonder how different they will be for my children.

Our generation isn't equipped to handle marriages — and here's why:

1) Sex becomes almost non-existent.

I don't know about you, but I am an extremely sexual person. Not only do I believe it's an important aspect of a relationship, I believe it's the most important.

Beyond being pleasurable, sex connects two individuals. There's a reason why it's referred to as making love.

There's just something about touching someone, kissing someone, feeling someone that should make your hair stand up.

I'm baffled by couples who neglect having sex, especially younger ones. We all desire physical connection, so how does cutting that off lead you to believe your marriage will be successful? It's like telling someone you'll take them out to a restaurant but they can't order food.

Instead, we have sex once every couple weeks, or when it's time to get pregnant. It becomes this chore. You no longer look at your partner wanting to rip their clothes off, but rather instead, dread the thought. That's not crazy to you?

It's not just boredom that stops sex from happening. Everywhere you look, there's pictures of men and women we know half naked — some look better than your husband or wife. So it becomes desirable. It's in your face every single day and changes your mindset.

It's no wonder why insecurities loom so largely these days. You have to be perfect to keep someone attracted to you. Meanwhile, what your lover should really be attracted to is your heart. Maybe if you felt that connection beyond a physical level, would you realize a sexual attraction you've never felt before.

2) Finances cripple us.

Years ago, it didn't cost upward of $200,000 for an education. It also didn't cost $300,000-plus for a home.

The cost of living was very different than what it is now. You'd be naive to believe this stress doesn't cause strain on marriages today.

You need to find a job to pay for student loans, a mortgage, utilities, living expenses and a baby. Problem is, it's extremely difficult to find a job that can provide an income that will help you live comfortably while paying all of these bills — especially not in your mid 20s.

This strain causes separation between us. It halts us from being able to live life. We're too busy paying bills to enjoy our youth. Forget going to dinner, you have to pay the mortgage. You'll have to skip out on an anniversary gift this year because those student loans are due at the end of the month. Vacations? Not happening.

We're trying to live the way our grandparents and parents did in a world that has put more debt on our plate than ever before. It's possible, but it puts us in an awful position.

Part of life is being able to live. Not having the finances to do so takes away yet another important aspect of our relationships. It keeps us inside, forced to see the life everyone else is living.

3) We're more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time.

Let's face it, the last time you "spoke" to the person you love, you didn't even hear their voice.

You could be at work, the gym, maybe with the kids at soccer. You may even be in the same room.

Columnist Anthony D’Ambrosio states that one of the reasons young couple can’t survive marriage is the lack of sex and the abundance of technology in the bedroom. (Photo: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
 

You told your wife you made dinner reservations ... through a text message.

Your husband had flowers delivered to your job ... through an app on his phone.

You both searched for furnishings for your new home ... on Pinterest.

There's no physical connection attached to anything anymore.

We've developed relationships with things, not each other. Ninety-five percent of the personal conversations you have on a daily basis occur through some type of technology. We've removed human emotion from our relationships, and we've replaced it colorful bubbles.

Somehow, we've learned to get offended by text on a screen, accusing others of being "angry" or "sad" when, in fact, we have no idea what they are feeling. We argue about this — at length.

We've forgotten how to communicate yet expect healthy marriages. How is it possible to grow and mature together if we barely speak?

Years ago, my grandmother wouldn't hear from my grandfather all day; he was working down at the piers in Brooklyn. But today, if someone doesn't text you back within 30 minutes, they're suddenly cheating on you.

You want to know why your grandmother and grandfather just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary? Because they weren't scrolling through Instagram worrying about what John ate for dinner. They weren't on Facebook criticizing others. They weren't on vacation sending Snapchats to their friends.

No.

They were too preoccupied loving and respecting one another. They were talking to each other at dinner, walking with each other holding hands instead of their phones. They weren't distracted by everything around them. They had dreams and chased them together.

4) Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved.

Even years ago, people would clamor over celebrities. When I think back, I can imagine young women wanting to be like Marilyn Monroe. She was beautiful, all over magazines, could have any man she wanted and, in fact, did.

But she was a celebrity. And in order to be a successful one, she had to keep all eyes on her. Same holds true for celebrities today. They have to stay in the spotlight or their fame runs out, and they get replaced by the next best thing.

Social media, however, has given everyone an opportunity to be famous. Attention you couldn't dream of getting unless you were celebrity is now a selfie away. Post a picture, and thousands of strangers will like it. Wear less clothing, and guess what? More likes.

It's more than that though. What about the life you live? I see pictures of people decked out in designer clothes, posted up in some club with fancy drinks — People that I know are dead broke. But they portray themselves as successful because, well, they can. And they get this gratification from people who like and comment on their statuses or pictures.

If you want to love someone, stop seeking attention from everyone because you'll never be satisfied with the attention from one person.

Same holds true for love.

Love is supposed to be sacred. You can't love someone when you're preoccupied with worrying about what others think of you. Whether it be posting pictures on social media, buying homes to compete with others or going on lavish vacations — none of it matters.

5) Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you.

We've thrown privacy out the window these days.

Nothing is sacred anymore, in fact, it's splattered all over the Web for the world to see.

Everywhere we go, everything we do — made public. Instead of enjoying the moment, we get lost in cyberspace, trying to figure out the best status update, or the perfect filter.

635639874729998878-marriage2.jpg
Something as simple as enjoying breakfast has become a photo shoot. (Photo: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
 

Vacations are no longer a time to relax, but more a time to post vigorously. You can't just sit back and soak it all in.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with sharing moments of your life. I do it myself. But where do we draw the line? When does it become too much?

We've invited strangers into our homes and brought them on dates with us. We've shown them our wardrobe, drove with them in our cars, and we even showed them our bathing suits. Might as well pack them a suitcase, too.

The worst part about all this? It's only going to get worse.

Immediately, people will assume that my failed marriage is why I am expressing these emotions; that's not the case. It's what I see around me every single day that inspired me to write this article.

Marriage is sacred. It is the most beautiful sacrament and has tremendous promise for those fortunate enough to experience it. Divorced or not, I am a believer in true love and building a beautiful life with someone. In fact, it's been my dream since I was young.

I hope you never experience the demise of your love. It's painful, and life changing; something nobody should ever feel.

I do fear, however, that the world we live in today has put roadblocks in the way of getting there and living a happy life with someone. Some things are in our control, and unfortunately, others are not.

People can agree or disagree.

I'm perfectly OK with that.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/04/07/sex-columnist-5-reasons-marriage-doesnt-work-anymore/25398635/

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Immediately, people will assume that my failed marriage is why I am expressing these emotions; that's not the case. It's what I see around me every single day that inspired me to write this article.

 

What caused the failure of his marriage though? It would be bit ironic if the alleged causes of marriage breakdowns that he cites in his article are inapplicable to the reason why his own marriage failed.

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(salam)

A couple reactions:

 

:cry: _____ dang, what is this continuous fascination with that trashy Marylyn Munroe?  :mad:

 

Too much technology in private rooms: yep, l agree. Even in the 1970s Johnny Carson made comments about TVs in there.

Jay Leno related the poll which found women would rather talk on the phone than have sex AND have stopped ____ when the phone rang.

 

Personally, When l was marred, during dinner when the phone rang l knew it was "conversation over" so go watch the InterNet.

 

In islam, marriage is not a sacrament. That is something the early western evilgelicals made up.

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Every point that was made above is a description of Western marriage.

So its a new thing, past 10 or so years only. Ok, thanks for the clarification.

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 Every point that was made above is a description of Western marriage.

 

With exception to the last paragraph or so, the obsessive compulsive use of each and every use of the smart phone to share on your facebook or whatever, the article is valid and applies to all classes of people here in Pakiland. Except the poor, the lowest of the low, who have wives disillusioned by having to spend the odd night now and then without food along with her children to become certain that their husband really can not do more and aren't hiding money from her. They may find something else to nag about though.

 

As for sex, thats the eastern wife's bargaining chip. The eastern wife who has a believing husband will use that chip to make more money than the best of pros could ever dream of. The husband, barely managing to support one of hers and being pious will eventually break and submit. Then her order of the day will always be to sacrifice more and more riches at her altar of wastefulness. She doesn't care if the economy is in the dumps and the whole world is suffering, because there will always be a woman spending more than her.

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That's not really a point to harp on.  Marriage problems are happening everywhere. 

 

Of course, but the points above are not really some of problems faced in Islamic marriages. The problems in Muslim marriages seem to be lineage, culture etc...

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Of course, but the points above are not really some of problems faced in Islamic marriages. The problems in Muslim marriages seem to be lineage, culture etc...

 

Whatever dude. 

 

And how's my signature looking on yours?  You are welcome. 

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After reading this article......

* Warning! Travelling Hermit Under Construction!*

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Whilst I think its true that technology is putting more demands on people who choose to use it, I dont think that his points are the problem so much as theyre symptoms of the problem. I think the problem is our expectations. People who expect to be able to have swift response from their partner because they own a cell phone will suffer when, for whatever reason, their partner doesn’t/isn’t able to respond swiftly to a text. People who expect to have consistently exciting and emotionally rewarding sex lives stop having sex not because they don’t want sex, but because the sex theyre having isn’t meeting the expectations they have of it. It wasn’t that years ago people were having spectacular sex lives so stayed married, they had different expectations of their sex lives, so they didn’t believe in the criteria many people now have for a ’successful sex life’. It used to be that people accepted that relationships change and that compromise is needed to keep a marriage together. Our consumerist mentality has been transferred to our relationships. In order to feed a capitalist machine, we are given the consistent message that we should be meeting our desires, manufactured desires as well as innate. If something starts to get tatty around the edges you don’t make do and mend, you get rid and replace. Its never been so easy to replace because the importance of marriage and stigma of divorce has never been so weak in secular society. People often don’t see challenges in marriages as opportunities to realise things about themselves that are worth knowing, they see problems that ‘shouldn’t’ be there in comparison to the expectations they have in their head and rather than putting their suffering down to their expectations, they put it down to the ‘problems’, which are sometimes the perfectly reasonable and predictable ups and downs that long terms relationships often go through.

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You can argue pretty well that a desire for a permanent romantic commitment to another person is a natural tendency among most individuals and realizing this potential is probably ideal, but there also are aspects of permanent marriage that are quite unnatural.  If you want to get philosophical about it, permanent marriage is not without its own set of strange premises and false pretenses, but that is another discussion.

 

Why is it difficult for people to enjoy successful long term marriages?  Most of the concerns have not changed:

 

Incompatibility despite sincere intentions

Lack of commitment from one or both parties

Lack of sexual intimacy, this also is and was a problem in very conservative societies, men were emotionally detached from their spouses for cultural reasons.

Infidelity

Outside interference 

Financial troubles

Difficulty in coping with added responsibility

 

Relatively modern concerns:

Women's rights and education: more choice, less tolerance

Cultural incompatibility with mixing of cultures

Too many distractions 

Consumerist culture which results in a lack of appreciation and perspective

 

We also have to remember that while marriages used to last longer in the past, it is difficult to generalize the quality of those relationships.  Breaking up just was not an option, it encouraged couples to be content and find happiness in small things while it also meant that more people were stuck in really bad marriages.


In relatively more prosperous societies, it is also important to realize that despite consumerist culture, incomes and services have stagnated or declined, so it was much easier for a man to hold a single job and enjoy a decent standard of living before the 70s, it is increasingly difficult today.  

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You're just derailing this thread, and not saying anything relevant to the topic at hand. 

 

I'm replying to a comment genius.

 

 

So people in these countries never have the problems stated in the article? Right.

Not as much as people in the West. My point is that marriage is kind of a necessity in the countries stated above, unlike in the West. 

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In reference to a successful and fulfilling sex life, there are many things you can do to ensure that your needs are met.  But the thing is, how do you know if you're compatible with someone in this area? I know we have recourse to Mutah, but what if you don't choose this as an option to get to 'know' someone? 

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