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seekingadvice1

Need Advice: Getting Married

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Assalam o Alaikum,

I am getting married very soon. It is an arranged marriage and the girl I am marrying is religious and seems to be a nice person.

I recently found out that the girl has a skin condition in which white patches appear on the skin that may or may not spread (vitiligo). It is not a disease just a condition in which the skin loses its color.

I just recently found out and it is bothering me. This was not told to us when we got engaged. I dont know if they hid it deliberately or not. I wouldnt be too shocked if it was deliberate but that is understandable.

So this bothers me. I keep thinking about what if the disease spreads God forbid and I am not attracted to her physically. What will happen then.I am confused I dont know if it would affect my love for her later on in life. Its something I do not know. This is an arranged marriage and I am not in love with her at the moment and maybe that is the reason I am uncertain as to how I would react. Would it bother me if God forbid it spreads? These are questions that make me uneasy. I am getting married pretty soon and instead of being happy I am worried about this. I dont discuss this topic with my fiance because I dont want to stress her or make her feel bad about it because this could happen to anyone.

I just need suggestions from married members of this community as to how do you think it would affect your love for your partner if she had this condition. Should i just leave this to God and pray? Or should I discuss this with my partner(may give her stress and aggravate her condition). Or should I do something else?

Please advice some dua for peace of my heart in this case. And I also request you to pray for my marriage which would happen pretty soon InshaAllah.

Your suggestions and duas would be helpful.

JazakAllah

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Salams 

 

I think you should discuss this matter with the people (family members/friends) who have arranged this marriage. And even though it may be an uncomfortable experience, it is best to discuss these concerns with your fiance too. And do it now before it is too late and she gets too attached to you. Make it clear that you are concerned about not being physically attracted to her in the future due to the unfortunate condition. I know it is easier said than done but it's best that you face this issue now rather than breaking her heart and destroying her life in the future. 

 

Things like these are complicated. Rationally speaking permanent marriage is a long term relationship in which physical attraction doesn't play much role except for the initial 6 months or couple of years if you're stubborn. Afterwards it is more about mutual respect, understanding, kindness, caring nature of your wife that keeps you content and happy. Protection of your family and children becomes a priority and if you're not a lazy bum, you utilise your time building your career. But being humans, we're not always rational are we? This is why my concern is that you may end up marrying her now out of pity or existing commitment but soon after the honey moon period, you'll become busy bee looking around for someone you "trully love". Therefore take your time and be clear about one thing: this is an arranged set up and she has an unfortunate condition. There is a high risk that a marriage in such circumstances will eventually tempt you to explore else where in search of true love. So either be mentally prepared now and make a firm decision that you will not be a party to those temptations. Or try to find someone to whom you are reasonably attracted. Because it may help you in those difficult times of temptations in the future. Note how I used the word "may". Good luck

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Talk to whoever fixed the marriage. If you are so doubtful about things, there isn't much chance it is going to work out anyway. trust me, this comes from real world experience. first couple of months of marriage will be packed with lovey dovey emotions - after that, it's all practicalities.What if you get married to her and then dont fancy her because of the condition? lives destroyed. get practical - talk to people, and if you can't get your mind around it, dont get married. 

 

as harsh as it may sound, it's just better for both of you. 

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JazakAllah for your reply. To be honest she is reasonably attractive at the moment and seems to be a woman who could prove to be a good parent to my children.. I just wonder what God would want me to do.. Rejecting her because of something that might affect her beauty in the future, would it be something God would like? What would happen to her? I think the guilt of leaving her because of this would bother me more. Maybe it is a test for me. I don't know. I think if I go ask an Alim about it he would tell me to ignore it too. Would it be wise to do an istikhara? They did an istikhara before saying yes to me and the Alim who did the istikhara said that there could be nothing better than this.

I dont want to leave her because I really like her as a person. Her nature, her being religious, educated, etc. What if I get someone who isnt as pious as her? End up marrying someone who is not as good as her. My life may be full of regrets of letting her go just because of my fear that I may not be attracted to her after a certain time.

Maybe its a tradeoff between character nature and looks that might worsen in the future?

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I would say if you are happy with her personality and religion then marry her. 

 

Beauty last for a few years and it disappears, so love is not built on that otherwise old people should never love because they are old.

 

Keep going ahead with it, she is attractive now and even if the disease spreads you will still love her unless you sin a lot. Marriage should be based on religion.

 

I think you already know how discouraged it is to base marriage on looks, it is a wrong foundation to build on. It seems you are happy with her religion and so please it would be good to marry.

 

The love for her will grow over time, even if you don't find her attractive. Also, her looks which is not that important, "Might" worsen, this just a chance, it would be stupid to lose it all because there is a chance she might not look as good in the future.

 

Marry for the sake of Allah :)

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What if you don't marry this lady because of her skin condition? Okay, so you move on and you meet someone else.  But she suffers from hirsutism (excessively hairy) even on the tops of her feet, will you move on?  Then the next lady comes along, but the women in her family spread across the midriff quite badly after childbirth, and the stretchmarks are gigantic, 2 inches wide, 1 inch deep.  Will you leave her?  Many women also suffer from blemishes on their faces due to uneven skin tone or acne scarring, which leave craters on the surface of the skin, or what about back acne and scars and dark patches on other areas of the body due to hormonal imbalances?

 

It's not easy, none of us are perfect.  I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian without make-up and hair-styling...OMG, she looked awful. I almost didn't recognise her.  I'm not being harsh, really I'm not, but the lady you're engaged to probably feels awful about her condition. 

 

I wish you all the best. 

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"I think the guilt of leaving her because of this would bother me more. Maybe it is a test for me. I don't know. I think if I go ask an Alim about it he would tell me to ignore it too. Would it be wise to do an istikhara? They did an istikhara before saying yes to me and the Alim who did the istikhara said that there could be nothing better than this."

You are answering your own questions brother.I think you already know what you want.

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What if you don't marry this lady because of her skin condition? Okay, so you move on and you meet someone else.  But she suffers from hirsutism (excessively hairy) even on the tops of her feet, will you move on?  Then the next lady comes along, but the women in her family spread across the midriff quite badly after childbirth, and the stretchmarks are gigantic, 2 inches wide, 1 inch deep.  Will you leave her?  Many women also suffer from blemishes on their faces due to uneven skin tone or acne scarring, which leave craters on the surface of the skin, or what about back acne and scars and dark patches on other areas of the body due to hormonal imbalances?

 

It's not easy, none of us are perfect.  I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian without make-up and hair-styling...OMG, she looked awful. I almost didn't recognise her.  I'm not being harsh, really I'm not, but the lady you're engaged to probably feels awful about her condition. 

 

I wish you all the best. 

This is good advice

 

I would just like to add for the OP:

 

Women get stretch marks when they go through child birth, so sooner or later no matter who you marry their skin will be ruined, therefore please don't base your decision on skin.

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Salamun 'Alaykum,

 

I agree with fkh5082 and Khalilallah: physical beauty and "attractiveness" come and go with time; the important qualities to look for in a life partner (and to develop within ourselves) are immaterial.

 

I'm not saying to not enjoy your youth (reasonably), but how you feel if the tables were turned on you in this situation? How would you feel if you really, really fell for this girl, and then you came down with some rare condition or your appearance changed in such a way that made her utterly not attracted to you, thus ruining the marriage (by your standard)? 

 

Many of us take our youth and health for granted; I was physically fit throughout my late teens and early twenties, partied way too much, got fat and out of shape by about twenty-five, and have been trying to regain my youthful vigor and strength ever since...I'm still not there, but I'm closer than ever! I've stayed married to the same lady for ten plus years and hope and pray that our best and healthiest years are yet to come (Insha'Allah); if our marriage was based on physical beauty alone we would've called it quits years ago...

 

May Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì guide you in your decision

 

Masalama

Edited by Abu Umar

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As salam alakom ... brother yiu say this sister is good then what is the problem. Learn to love her flaws as no one on this earth is close to perfect. I'm sure there can be something with you that she is not fully attracted too. If she is a good muslim women and she will raise your kids in the direction that Allah swt would love then in the end you'll be happy. I am sure you will eventually become attracted to her if not pray and Allah will put a love in between you 2 that you may not have with another women.

in the end if she is a good women and if she will be a good mother of your kids that you can proudly say she's the mother. Then I see no problem in time you will learn to love her all Insh'Allah god will be with you 2 in your marriage and never forget Allah.

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I am married. Inner beauty is MUCH more important than outer beauty, trust me. I also know of several ladies in the community with vitiligo, who seem happily married. It's not uncommon. If she is a nice girl, sweet, religious girl, marry her!

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She sounds like a very nice person.  But it isn't fair that they hid it from you earlier (although it's understandable, as you said).

 

I remember seeing something in the news about a woman with vitiligo who managed to camoflouge it with make-up.

 

Do a Google image search of vitiligo makeup , and you'll see how much of a difference the makeup can make (it's quite amazing!).

 

This is one page that came up in the results:

www.colortration.com/Vitiligo_Vitiligo.htm

 

Of course, you can't expect her to wear make-up all the time.  But I think seeing her with make-up on sometimes would make it a lot easier to handle, if it did spread.

 

 

Everyone is different though... some people simply can't seem to eat certain foods, for unusual reasons (like due to the texture rather than taste).  

 

And if you simply can't get over possible vitiligo issues (despite make-up options), then as others said, that's something you would have to decide upon sooner rather than later.  If that's the case though, I would say make sure you emphasize that the problem is with what you're able to handle (like how some people can't handle eating yogourt), and the problem isn't with her... because otherwise, she may think "Oh no, I got rejected due to this skin issue, who will marry me, etc. etc."

 

You can also see it as an opportunity for you... because maybe a girl of that quality wouldn't be available if not for her vitiligo issue (maybe she got rejected because of that by some guy in the past, which is why they hid it from you now).

Edited by Bright

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I got married(nikkah only rukhsati later in July)to her. I trusted God and realized that this was not a reason to leave someone. I thought that it would have been something God would dislike. 4 days after my Nikkah I fell sick and was hospitalized.I had developed a clot in my left leg 10 years back so my father told her father about it when I was hospitalized. It was never something that crossed our family's mind at the time of proposal. Once I was discharged (my hospitalization was a result of pneumothorax which has nothing to do with my clot in my leg several years back) the girls father took me to low profile doc who told them about my clotting prob amd did his best to exaggerate it. Since that day they made up their mind to break their daughters marriage with me. They said ridiculously bad stuff about my parents and me to one of our relatives. My father and brother in law went to meet them and they insulted them, shouted at them. They accused us of hiding my illness deliberately when it was never the case. They accused us that it was our plan to get married soon so we can hide a "disease" which happened 10 years ago. They told my father to convince me to divorce his daughter. The girl isnt strong enough to leave her parents although she is in my Nikkah. I dont know what to do now. My parents are advising that i should leave her because there is no way she would come with me against her parents will. It is not possible me to accept her parents after how they treated my father. What is the Islamic thing to do now? My heart says I shouldnt divorce her since both of us love each other. We are in a nikkah. We are husband and wife. But I dont see how her parents would ever hand her to me. Although she is my wife I can do nothing about it. I thought that me and my family accepted her with vitiligo with good intentions but they cant accept me. Its her family that doesnt want to accept me but the girl has no such problem. I dont understand what to do. Her parents are unreasonable and would never agree.

Edited by seekingadvice1

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Invite them to dinner and give both sides time to cool down from their emotions and then clearly explain it to them. 

 

If they don't attend your dinner then go there one day and apologise and speak softly and humbly, if they hurt you then turn the other cheek. Eventually they will give in.

Edited by Khalilallah

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My advice would be to make an appointment with a knowledgeable doctor who can better explain these health conditions, including things like chances of recurrence, prognosis, and heritability. The family may just not understand the situation and this may ease their minds. They will also get a chance to ask questions to an expert.

 

In general, I would also advice anyone trying to get married to reveal at the beginning all personal, lifetime medical conditions, hospitalizations, and surgeries. I would also recommend that everyone reveal all family history as well. The potential spouse has a right to know before deciding to get married.

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

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I got married(nikkah only rukhsati later in July)to her. I trusted God and realized that this was not a reason to leave someone. I thought that it would have been something God would dislike. 4 days after my Nikkah I fell sick and was hospitalized.I had developed a clot in my left leg 10 years back so my father told her father about it when I was hospitalized. It was never something that crossed our family's mind at the time of proposal. Once I was discharged (my hospitalization was a result of pneumothorax which has nothing to do with my clot in my leg several years back) the girls father took me to low profile doc who told them about my clotting prob amd did his best to exaggerate it. Since that day they made up their mind to break their daughters marriage with me. They said ridiculously bad stuff about my parents and me to one of our relatives. My father and brother in law went to meet them and they insulted them, shouted at them. They accused us of hiding my illness deliberately when it was never the case. They accused us that it was our plan to get married soon so we can hide a "disease" which happened 10 years ago. They told my father to convince me to divorce his daughter. The girl isnt strong enough to leave her parents although she is in my Nikkah. I dont know what to do now. My parents are advising that i should leave her because there is no way she would come with me against her parents will. It is not possible me to accept her parents after how they treated my father. What is the Islamic thing to do now? My heart says I shouldnt divorce her since both of us love each other. We are in a nikkah. We are husband and wife. But I dont see how her parents would ever hand her to me. Although she is my wife I can do nothing about it. I thought that me and my family accepted her with vitiligo with good intentions but they cant accept me. Its her family that doesnt want to accept me but the girl has no such problem. I dont understand what to do. Her parents are unreasonable and would never agree.

 

 

Have they not read the Hadīths of Ahlul Bayt (عليهم السلام)? 

 

ـ محمد بن يحيى ، عن أحمد بن محمد ، عن ابن محبوب ، عن العلاء ، عن محمد بن مسلم ، عن أبي عبد الله عليه‌السلام قال قال رسول الله صلى‌ الله‌عليه‌ وآله أوصاني جبرئيل عليه‌السلام بالمرأة حتى ظننت أنه لا ينبغي طلاقها إلا من فاحشة مبينة.

 

3-Muḥammad b. Yaḥya, from Aḥmad b. Muḥammad, from Ibn Mahūb, from al-'Alā`, from Muḥammad b. Muslem, from  Abī ‘Abd Allāh (عليه السلام) said: The Messenger of Allāh (صلى‌ الله‌ عليه‌ وآله) said:" (Angle) Jebra'il [a.s] advised me about the women until I thought that you cannot divorce her, only from a manifested atrocity".

 

 

Source:

  • al-Kulaynī, al-Kāfī, vol. 5, pg. 510, Chapter: Haqul-Mar`ah 'ala al-Zawj, N. 6.

Grading:

  1. al-Majlisī said this ḥadīth is Ṣaḥīḥ (Authentic).

    --> 

    Mir’āt al-`Uqūl, vol. 20, pg. 326.
  2. al-Bahbūdī said this ḥadīth is Ṣaḥīḥ (Authentic).

    --> 

    Ṣaḥīḥ al-Kāfī, vol. 3, pg. 72.
  3. `Āṣif al-Muḥsinī said the ḥadīth is Mu`tabar (Authentic).

    --> 

     Mu‘jam al-aḥādīth al-mu‘tabarah, vol.8, pg. 72.

 

If your description of the situation is true, then I believe this is not a good enough reason for her parents to go ahead with a divorce.

 

 

Wa`aslam

Edited by Jaafar Al-Shibli

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I am seriously shocked !!!
How can her parent's act like this??
You are husband and wife now, what happened to ''in sickness and in health?''
either the OP wife's develops the guts and shows some loyalty towards her husband and offers him the support, care and love that one spouse expects from the other in their difficult times.

Or if she is continues to be weak enough to let her parents come between her and her husband then the husband should be ready for a lifetime of problems and dramas, if he decides to continue the marriage.

Edited by starlight

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I feel bad for the OP too. this is why they say all medical issues and family history should be informed.but breaking a marriage for such a trivial thing really isnt the way to go about things. I wonder what happened ...

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I got married(nikkah only rukhsati later in July)to her.

My heart says I shouldnt divorce her since both of us love each other. We are in a nikkah. We are husband and wife. But I dont see how her parents would ever hand her to me. Although she is my wife I can do nothing about it. I thought that me and my family accepted her with vitiligo with good intentions but they cant accept me. Its her family that doesnt want to accept me but the girl has no such problem. I dont understand what to do. Her parents are unreasonable and would never agree.

What happened? Did your wife come to you?

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