So What Is Stopping You From Getting Married?

[Fresh-imaan]

Aslamualaykum wa rahmatullah brothers and sisters. 

 

So I have been reading many posts. It seems that there are many people who wish to marry but cannot. I really wish to explore what may be stopping marriage, discuss, perhaps suggest some duas/amaal that scholars have done. I then want to see what people's criterias are and why it is so hard to find potentials. I wanted to see if perhaps by discussing them, we can find solutions inshaAllah. 

 

Sometimes through exploration, seeing the situation from a neutral perspective from all sides, something can come up. Alternatively, perhaps it can be explored through PM if you wish to share, but not publicly. I hope it is an interesting discussion and hopefully others will be able to learn from each other.

 

It's up to you if you wish to share this. I hope I can be of some help inshaAllah. 

 

Ma'salaama

 

Fresh-imaan.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Fresh-imaan

[Khalilallah]

For some people, they have a stupid criteria. They want a spouse who is perfect in every way yet they themselves are full of problems, so they don't realize we have to marry our equals. This stops some.

 

Some men think they need a house, and a good job before marrying, this stops many men from marrying early.

 

Some women think they can only marry a person who has a house and a separate job and this stops many women from marrying because they base their decisions on money.

 

Some men and women are too immature, their views are not Islamic and they think marriage should be done how westerners do it, later on in life and only for babies. 

 

Some men want a woman who is like a porn star, so when they describe their criterias they say "She must be this tall, she must not be fat, she must have a thin waist". So for these men it is immaturity and sinful material that stops them. 

 

One reason for why brothers and sisters are not married is because none of them are willing to make compromises in their plans. The girl has her own plan and the guy has his own and they both just want someone who fits into their plan. So one reason why people are not married is because they do not think that my spouse may also have plans, they think out there, there is a girl/boy who is just sitting on his/her bum waiting for me. 

 

Then there are these people who have a "delusion of piety". They see themselves as superior to everyone in terms of religion and character yet they barely understand Islam and so they reject potential suitors based on reasons like "He has a cat, it is Najis". 

 

For some people it is a fear of responsibility or failure, unfortunately, today we hear so much on divorce and mistreatments that it has scared all women into hiding and makes them so cautious with saying "yes" that it becomes a barrier for them to marry, they are so scared of ending up in a bad marriage that it renders them numb and without action. 

 

There is also another group of men and women who want to marry but because their parents have an absurd criteria, and they do nothing to change them, so they sit there waiting for someone to match his/her parents criteria, they reject suitable spouses yet they reject them because the parents would not agree, never would their criteria come true and the parents will end up ruining the girl/boy's life and if the parents do realize their mistake, it will be too late by then. 

 

Then there is me, I have been through most of the phases I have written above, but for now my problem is time and not making a wrong move :)

Edited March 3, 2015 by Khalilallah

[Sumerian]

You would find that a lot of members are too young to marry, well that's according to Western (not Islamic) values.

[Reza]

That's true, many here are too young.  As for the rest of us who are around the proper age, the reasons are numerous. 

[hasanhh]

But...then again....

 

Been there....done that....happy it is over with.

[Journey of Truth]

A female 

[Fresh-imaan]

Thank you for your informative reply KhalilAllah. 

 

For some people, they have a stupid criteria. They want a spouse who is perfect in every way yet they themselves are full of problems, so they don't realize we have to marry our equals. This stops some.

 

hmm, so that is an ego issue. It would be their own unfortunate thinking that is stopping them. Here a person needs to be humble, understanding that everyone has flaws and marriage can assist it destroying these and improving themselves. May Allah help them. 

 

Some men think they need a house, and a good job before marrying, this stops many men from marrying early.

 

Indeed, that is the case with some. Perhaps it would help if people who are still studying and working part time (and married)  assist in informing them. Another possibility is if family can assist them on a temporary basis until they are able to. If family is not available, then maybe they can consider a temporary job and pay for expenses until they find a better job. Also they can try to explain/negotiate with theri potential, the situation. If she doesn't understand, then that is unfair on him. Compromise is almost 50% of a marriage. 

 

Some women think they can only marry a person who has a house and a separate job and this stops many women from marrying because they base their decisions on money.

 

The  issue may be security, if the guy is working and is able to help them by living perhaps with the family or a small apartment, the other person should understand the situation. Secondly, fathers should not put such high demands on potentials. Everyone needs to grow and have time to establish themselves. That would not be their own fault. If they base it solely on money, then insincerity and greed may what stops them rather then the other person who is trying.

 

Some men and women are too immature, their views are not Islamic and they think marriage should be done how westerners do it, later on in life and only for babies. 

 

Then again, that is based on their own view and choice. They can't blame anyone else if they wish to take this path. 

 

Some men want a woman who is like a porn star, so when they describe their criterias they say "She must be this tall, she must not be fat, she must have a thin waist". So for these men it is immaturity and sinful material that stops them. 

 

Yes, I have heard that people from cultures have said the girl must be fair, this tall, her hands must be like this etc. It is wrong, and highly unlikely to find. No one is perfect and if we seek perfection, we won't get anywhere ever.

 

 

One reason for why brothers and sisters are not married is because none of them are willing to make compromises in their plans. The girl has her own plan and the guy has his own and they both just want someone who fits into their plan. So one reason why people are not married is because they do not think that my spouse may also have plans, they think out there, there is a girl/boy who is just sitting on his/her bum waiting for me. 

 

Yes, compromise again is 50% of marriage. Plans have to be compromised. It does not mean one should discard their ideas for the other. Rather it means that they should try and workout how each of their plans can be considered realistically. haha, funny point. No, being realistic is key which again boils down to maturity which is necessary in every walk of life. Especially marriage.

 

Then there are these people who have a "delusion of piety". They see themselves as superior to everyone in terms of religion and character yet they barely understand Islam and so they reject potential suitors based on reasons like "He has a cat, it is Najis". 

 

well, it isn't realistic to base decisions on the cat. poor thing. It can be as easy as "I am allergic to cats, maybe we can compromise of not having one yet?" or "my salah won't be accepted as I follower ayatullah Khamenai, can we discuss that?" etc. I think that is moreso an excuse rather then a genuine reason. As for delusion etc, it may not be the case. Maybe the person didn't want to hurt or reject the person due to whatever major reason they themselves had. They may not have an arrogant stance here. This is something that we can't always determine as we can't read minds. 

 

For some people it is a fear of responsibility or failure, unfortunately, today we hear so much on divorce and mistreatments that it has scared all women into hiding and makes them so cautious with saying "yes" that it becomes a barrier for them to marry, they are so scared of ending up in a bad marriage that it renders them numb and without action. 

 

Yes, I agree. Many women have come out abusive marriages and are scared to pursue another. For that perhaps, counselling or something like the freedom programme (a course designed to make women understand the tactics of abusers, and reassuring that there are good people out there and there is nothing wrong with them as woman). Time is often needed after such marriage, it shouldn't be rushed.. Another concern may be due to lack of confidence. One of the best ways to address this is either if it is identified within themselves, as they wish to change. (they must be willing to) or a sincere advisor/friend recommends this or even tries to help them in boosting their friend's confidence inshaAllah.

 

There is also another group of men and women who want to marry but because their parents have an absurd criteria, and they do nothing to change them, so they sit there waiting for someone to match his/her parents criteria, they reject suitable spouses yet they reject them because the parents would not agree, never would their criteria come true and the parents will end up ruining the girl/boy's life and if the parents do realize their mistake, it will be too late by then. 

 

Understood. Culture and Jahilliyah plays a huge part. It is very unfair on them. Perhaps there, the prospective person can try and speak to their parents on a level. Or even teach the person the potential person, the language and culture! lol.Yes, it shouldn't be to an extent where it becomes impossible. If it does, it should be so that the son/daughter can show the parents that they have tried for an  amount of time. Then make them amiably understand that they need to step outside of the set criteria.

 

On the other hand,  what has to be understood here is that sometimes the parents wish for life to be easy for their daughter/son rather than being rigid because they think they can. I met a scholar who opened my eyes may Allah bless him. Yes, Islamically, there is no concern in terms of race, background etc. However, the person must also take into consideration, criteria that would assist in avoiding divorce on any basis. i.e. if for example there is an Arab who wants to marry a Pakistani, the couple would have to look at many aspects, cultural understanding, language, living styles on top of gender differences, habits, personality, so on and so forth.  It would be easier said than done. Many people do into a marriage unrealistically and end up in a divorce because it didn't work. Sometimes parents are aware that their son/daughter may not be able to adapt into another culture, they may face other problems. Atleast they know their own culture etc. Given the above reason, sometimes it makes sense if looked at from a different perspective. 

 

Then there is me, I have been through most of the phases I have written above, but for now my problem is time and not making a wrong move  :)

 

May Allah bless you and make it easy for you. I would recommend for you to read a book called spouse selection, by Abbas and Shaheen Merali. Every person should who is seeking because it looks at every angle at person would face. It is very realistic and really makes you think. inshaAllah, may Allah make you successful in seeking a spouse. :)

You would find that a lot of members are too young to marry, well that's according to Western (not Islamic) values.

 

Understood. The fact is this, Yes it is good to marry young. But other factors have to also be taken into account. Are they mentally mature? Do they understand the responsibilities of marriage? Yes, times have changed and in the last generation, people have turned into the mid twenties and are now seeking marriage. Environment plays a huge part in shaping a person. Again, if it is based on western views, then it shouldn't be put into concrete per se. People should look at everything from a religious perspective if they wish to be successful. alternatively, they can try and find someone then decide on a mutual time to marry should it be two or three years later inshaAllah. 

Edited March 3, 2015 by Fresh-imaan

[Sumerian]

Well as a High Schooler, I don't want to marry yet xD how can I finish school?

[Fresh-imaan]

That's true, many here are too young.  As for the rest of us who are around the proper age, the reasons are numerous. 

 

It is good to explore the numerous reasons. Sometimes, when we are in a situation, it is difficult to see the ways out and to critically analyse points. An outside perspective needs to be considered to be able to address them. There may be very simple solutions to reasons. Either we don't know it, lack experience, or don't have assistance through sincere advisors. Alternatively, it may be that the criteria us, or other people have set are too unrealistic to consider. This is why I have made this thread to see if we can look at things from alternative points of views inshaAllah.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Fresh-imaan

[Sheikh Voldemort]

When it comes to marriage, everyone is an expert on it here.

[Fresh-imaan]

Well as a High Schooler, I don't want to marry yet xD how can I finish school?

 

Bless you. The fact that you don't wish to marry yet, also may help in finishing school in peace. InshaAllah once that is over, maybe you can consider someone as you go into college inshaAllah ;)

When it comes to marriage, everyone is an expert on it here.

 

Sometimes having a huge amount of experience can help. I am not saying I am an expert, but I would love to assist people through the knowledge and experience that I have. It does not mean my words are Holy Qur'an revelation or they must be taken into account. I would be more than happy to accept criticism from those who are even more experienced then I am. My intention is to help where possible, not to force or impose my ideas on people. I am more than honoured to assist fellow servants of Allah. 

Edited March 3, 2015 by Fresh-imaan

[Reza]

I said this before at one point, we are just rationalizing things here.  We want to conclude that its outside our control.  We will blame society, other people, so that we can feel better about ourselves, and to give meaning, purpose, and context. 

 

It's all our fault, and I'll just admit it.  I am pre-empting this statement before somebody comes in and slaps us with the obvious.  I beat you to it. 

[Fresh-imaan]

I said this before at one point, we are just rationalizing things here.  We want to conclude that its outside our control.  We will blame society, other people, so that we can feel better about ourselves, and to give meaning, purpose, and context. 

 

It's all our fault, and I'll just admit it.  I am pre-empting this statement before somebody comes in and slaps us with the obvious.  I beat you to it. 

 

It isn't always outside our control. That is the point. Things can be done. The problem with us humans is that we just sit around and cry and don't get up and do anything about it. The fact is we CAN. We just have to try and look past many factors that we THINK are stopping us, when in reality they may not and sometimes we can't even see what it is ourselves.. Yes, an element can be our fault, there is no doubt. But there is ALWAYS a solution. We just need to admit it and work on it and be realistic. That takes courage, and we all have it to an extent especially as believers. The main courage giver is Allah. To reiterate, we must try and do what WE can then leave it to Allah.

 

The problem is, there may be something that is bothering us that we can't share, or we don't believe in it enough to do something about it. No one can can come and do everything for us. We have to put effort in it ourselves. That is the fact of life. We can be our own worst enemy or our own sincere adviser. Allah has promised ease after difficulty, and Allah never fails in his promise. 

Edited March 3, 2015 by Fresh-imaan

[Sumerian]

When it comes to marriage, everyone is an expert on it here.

+100000000000000000

Comment of the decade brother.

[Fresh-imaan]

+100000000000000000

Comment of the decade brother.

 

an unncessary judgemental comment more like. 

[kamyar]

Brother /Sister Fresh-iman i really appreciate your action, regardless of how expert you are.it is a good move .

[sayedzeeshan]

My loving wife!

[Mithrandir]

Many of my paternal uncles married early. They're broke, utterly useless and morally decadent. My mom married my dad when she was 25 and my dad was 27--they're the golden standard now.

 

Now because of my uncles, there's no way to even bring up the topic without inviting shame and ridicule. I once mentioned to my mom about getting married at say 21. She said to me, in the most condescending tone imaginable, "These hormonal problems of yours must run in the family. That explains your uncles. Look where it got them." So......that's that.

 

But I've also burdened myself with certain conditions. For instance, I swore to myself that I would in no way whatsoever marry a sunni girl. She must be a Shi'a! That might sound illogical to some, but to me it makes perfect sense. I want to raise a family with the love of Ahlul Bayt at its centre. How can I do that if one persons pulls them towards the oppressor? The mother is so important when it comes it to this. 

 

But there are no Shi'as in my city. Those few that exist in other provinces are ghulat and may not even be Twelvers. Some are even part of the notorious Ghorabiya sect. The total Shi'ite population that exists in my nation is less than 0.2%, and most of them have assimilated with the Sunnis or are Ghorabi tatbiris...

 

Cutting right to the chase--I can't get married unless I relocate. So that's definitely something that's going to take a while. Finish my education, pick a place to relocate to, establish connections. I'm looking at another 10 years of staying single. Simply thinking about it scares me.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Mithrandir

[Journey of Truth]

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THE MOTHER IN LAW TO BE !!!!!!

 

Disclaimer : I do not mean to offend females with this post, this has been what I have personally experienced in my 37 years on this earth. So please all females do not be upset with me. I know this might cause a backlash with some females however I do understand that it is not all females that it is aimed at but only the majority. 

 

The major issue why women dont get married fast is because they listen to much to there mothers and or the community. I have seen it many times as I sometimes get asked by people to go with the people that go to ask for the hand of the bride to be.

 

It is very disappointing to see mothers of daughters asking for stupid dowry and stupid makhar. Many females also look at other couples who are having issues and say well I need to make sure that if I get divorced that I will at least have a car a house and a few thousand in my account.

 

The reasons  females refuse to get married out way heavily the reason men dont get married because in the majority of the time a man want to marry a female, her demands are huge so if he lovers her he will work extra 5 to 20 years lol before he can marry her. so in essence the initial delay is because of the female.

 

Dont get me wrong here but I do understand that some males do have high criteria but it is far less compared to the percentage of females that have high criteria.

 

I went once with a male friend of mine as he proposed to 15 females all asked for stupid and unfair things like money cars houses except for 1 yes number 15  as she asked for a Quran for her dowry and the Hajj for her makhar.

 

I understand when a female looks for security, its her right. However please be just when you look for it.

 

Now regarding different tastes in your partner to be...

 

Please understand that just like people have different tastes in food they also have different tastes in partners. some people fancy a thin partner, some a fat partner and some and athletic partner. Now I have a friend who was looking for a partner but was only looking for a larger partner as he could not see himself being with a thin lady.

 

Its taste and we cannot take that as a bad thing whether its coming from a male or a female...

 

The worst thing is for a person to only have the $$$ as there compass when looking for a marriage partner. 

 

I post this while holding my breath..........

[Fresh-imaan]

My loving wife!

 

Good! then you do not need to be concerned with marriage! :)

Brother /Sister Fresh-iman i really appreciate your action, regardless of how expert you are.it is a good move .

 

Thank you for your positive comment. Alhumdulillah, we should try from ourselves to help people with the ability Allah gave us. It is his grace. It is just so important for these issues to be addressed so that people can have happier lives inshaAllah. 

Edited March 3, 2015 by Fresh-imaan

[monad]

Western Issue =

• Quantity.
• Step outside, you see more individuals who are the opposite of what one is required to accept and take on. Thus, the western muslim has to rely on the community and prestige, of themselves or the family connections. These connections then dictate what he/she is allowed to have, procured by someone else s bias opinion. The opinions are a general bias on the worth, social status or at best, the opinion of the one attempting the futile connection. Already, we can see the limitation here.
• The limitation of Quantity, creates immense competition for the best breed. This so called best breed is once again related to point 2. Generally this best breed is someone who was intellectually averse, or taught how to play the game correctly from a young age. Make a face and create opportunities.
• Limitation of Quantity, creates two problems, one being the comparison of what is not allowed to what is allowed. The second of delusion. As genders are restrained from absolving their natural rights, until they have acquired the tools, the gap of time, creates that perfect match in their minds. This imagined match, has to be promoted into reality, when they are attempting to find the match.
• The constrains of early marriage, creates a hardened and rigid view of the world, as both genders probably missed out on the physical and emotional aspect of the sensory emotions. Love, touch, communication, expression.
• Cultural idiosyncrasy. Tribe, color, class status etc. All of this is brought in from the migrants, and use it as a tool to further constrain their offspring. Generally using religion as  mean of association and assumed guilt. ( Parents must be obeyed, they know best, i.e, they know the kind of gender qualities the offspring should like. Generally its a bias of what the parents are attracted to, that is projected to the offspring. )
•  

 

Eastern

• Mostly constrained with Prestige, but if one is in a predominantly Muslim area, the view and connection allow a greater opportunity to claim what is desired. The only obstacle is, culture idiosyncrasy. ( see above. )
• I leave this for the eastern people.

 

In the west I have noticed the methodologies of gender connections that lead to marriage. These are from individuals who from observation were religious and non religious practicing. Either meeting their partners through universities and courting their partners, until their parents were convinced or conceded into breaking their cultural idiosyncrasies. Others through family connections.

Edited March 3, 2015 by monad

[Fresh-imaan]

Many of my paternal uncles married early. They're broke, utterly useless and morally decadent. My mom married my dad when she was 25 and my dad was 27--they're the golden standard now.

 

Now because of my uncles, there's no way to even bring up the topic without inviting shame and ridicule. I once mentioned to my mom about getting married at say 21. She said to me, in the most condescending tone imaginable, "These hormonal problems of yours must run in the family. That explains your uncles. Look where it got them." So......that's that.

 

But I've also burdened myself with certain conditions. For instance, I swore to myself that I would in no way whatsoever marry a sunni girl. She must be a Shi'a! That might sound illogical to some, but to me it makes perfect sense. I want to raise a family with the love of Ahlul Bayt at its centre. How can I do that if one persons pulls them towards the oppressor? The mother is so important when it comes it to this. 

 

But there are no Shi'as in my city. Those few that exist in other provinces are ghulat and may not even be Twelvers. Some are even part of the notorious Ghorabiya sect. The total Shi'ite population that exists in my nation is less than 0.2%, and most of them have assimilated with the Sunnis or are Ghorabi tatbiris...

 

Cutting right to the chase--I can't get married unless I relocate. So that's definitely something that's going to take a while. Finish my education, pick a place to relocate to, establish connections. I'm looking at another 10 years of staying single. Simply thinking about it scares me.

 

Aslamualykum wa rahmatullah, 

 

Thank you for your reply. First of, sorry to hear, that is very unfortunate. What makes it even harder is the application of one brush over all. Your uncles probably came from another generation so cannot be compared. In once sense, they are trying to learn from their mistakes, which shows good reflective thinking. However, You may be able to take on board what was lacking in those marriages to apply now. I understand how it works. The concept of marriage is often blamed instead of considering what factors were missing. Your mother bless her, is in her perspective looking out for you. What actually may help is to have a good conversation and explore what factors made the situation as it now is for your uncles. Maybe it will help to look at it from another perspective with her inshaAllah. 

 

As for your second point *high five!* You are on point. That isn't a burden at all, totally agree with you. That is how people should think! You are a good role model to all. I am so happy to hear that. Often people don't care about these things, but you have a good head on your shoulders. You will go far!. Stick to that, it's a brilliant intention and may Allah bless you. 

 

hmm, I'm sorry to hear that. That is a difficulty in itself. Okay, two points come to mind, Either you find someone who is willing to relocate to you. You can then set up your mini imambargha together.  ;) . No, seriously, maybe that can be considered i.e. searching for someone online, through family (if they are Shia), or from a different town. If you wish to take the other route, (your intentions are good and Allah always helps so please keep faith and that great attitude) then perhaps you can consider to work as soon as your studies are over and save as much as you can. Where are you currently living? because as for relocation, would that mean to another major town or country?

Edited March 3, 2015 by Fresh-imaan

[Ibn Al-Shahid]

In the Middle East:

• If you're young they'll tell you that it's a huge responsibility (I'm not saying it isn't) and they can't give their daughters away to anyone. 
• If you're from a different nationality, they're pretty racist and give remarks as bland as "We don't give our daughters to a Lebanese".
• Even if the woman wants you, her parents become a colossal obstacle. So you'd be forced to either go back to your country and get married or find a western woman who doesn't operate with the same racist ideologies.
• Even if you're partly from the country (I'm an example) they still object to you marrying their daughters.
• The Middle East isn't like the west were when you reach 18 you can decide to do whatever you want. Your parents still have total control over your decisions.
• Mahr (Dowry) is ridiculously expensive. $20,000 is the norm. If you're lucky enough you might find $10,000. I know a guy who gave a Quran to the woman, may Allah (s.w.t) bless them, but that would be an extremely rare case.

The above were from personal experience and from first hand accounts. I tried to get married from a young age but no نصيب yet.

 

I personally wouldn't mind getting married now (19) but as Journey of Truth stated, "Female", is a problem—for me at least. Age doesn't matter to me. I prefer someone older than myself but wouldn't set it as an important criteria. I personally can't find anyone at the moment and Middle Eastern parents make it even harder for us Middle Eastern men to marry their daughters. I don't mind any ethnicity (doesn't have to be Arab) but finding a clean westerner (and even easterner, the Middle East is a disgusting place at the moment) is unbelievably difficult.

[AnaAmmar1]

stupid culture,student with no job,parents,my shyness and luck.

[narcotic_ice]

^ that dowry is crazy talk. Nobody with their head straight is going to pay that much unless you are making 6 figures money wise.

Well I can't get married because I'm not 99% of the girl's type apparently. But then again, I've gotten all those feedback from "online." And recent studies shown woman will only marry a man who looks less attractive than them. Hmmmm...

[Hameedeh]

And recent studies shown woman will only marry a man who looks less attractive than them. Hmmmm...

The girl who wants to find a guy less attractive than herself is the actress drama queen type. Don't fall for her because she will never allow you to be yourself. You would have to do what she wants all the time, even have to be overly dramatic so that she gets the drama she requires on a daily basis. You won't be able to chill unless she is out shopping. :unsure:

[guest102317]

(bismillah)

 

(salam)

 

 

There is a rise in both divorce and prolonged celibacy in the Shi'i population. 

It's a real shame that, on such an important social issue, the maraji' have proven useless.

But, except for exceptional maraji' - and even then at exceptional times - the marja'iyya, not to mention the rest of the scholarly ranks, have been silent, feeble, reactionary or entrenched in realities of another era when it comes to matters of social urgency.

There is a reason for this.

Legal application requires knowledge of social and economic structures and dynamics, something which has grown very complicated and sophisticated in modern times, and something which the traditional curricula are unable to address, let alone solve.

Hence, the 'ulama have no choice but to delegate these issues to non-hawzawi experts and institutions, thereby severing the all-important link with our religious resources and motivations.

These experts and institutions, themselves founded upon or well-versed in the well-established Western curricula, apply what they have been told, without due consideration for the differences of culture, religion or history that have played a role in the shaping of contemporary Muslim societies.

And there's no point in saying, either in recommendation or as an obligation, 'marry early!' 

The former already exists and has fallen on deaf ears.

The latter fails to admit modern economic realities, which have made early marriage, generally speaking, disadvantageous to the welfare of the new family.

It is these realities that need tackling and changing, along Islamic lines. 

But so far, nobody has even come close to describing in any adequate detail how a different society would look like, maintaining the benefits of modernity and dispensing with the bad.

Not even the great theorists and architects of the Islamic Revolution of Iran.

Indeed, nobody has yet proven such an Islamic alternative is even possible!

For all the years - decades - the 'ulama spend in hawza, in the last century, one does not expect too much when one asks, where is the answer of our madhhab to the industrial revolution, national borders and immigration, the dilemma between mass-production and general hunger, the dilemma between industry and pollution, the question of democracy in secular affairs, the proper policy towards drug addiction and drug addicts, the means to institutionally eradicate or minimise worker exploitation, the difficulties and tensions of contemporary urban life, the loss of the sacred in art and architecture, the cooped-up apartment life and the issue of women's clothing. 

All of these are issues today in Islamic countries.

But, inshallah, the new generation of 'ulama who are, as of now, still studying at kharij and pre-kharij level, will have more sensitivity towards contemporary conditions, and focus their attention on the problems facing the umma today. 

(One can only hope; because so far, it is hopeless.)

Otherwise, much of what they spend their time learning would become useless knowledge, learnt for little purpose and little benefit to the followers of the Ahlulbayt [a]. 

The reason universities specialise is to divide labour, increasing output of diverse research, leading to an accumulation of newly identified problems, perspectives and solutions, which can then be materialised on a practical level by councillors, managers, civil servants and politicians. 

If everybody specialised in the same body of knowledge, especially traditional knowledge, the problems of today would barely get mentioned, let alone sufficiently analysed and solved.

Extreme specialisation is bad, but lack of diversity is worse. 

Having said all this, the religious resources have little to give in the tiniest details of any solution to contemporary problems, but much to give in the basics and general direction of any valid solution.

Most of the details would inevitably rely on a mix of data collection, mathematical analysis, conceptual analysis and natural deduction. 

But the overall shape would be Islamic.

 

(wasalam) 

[notme]

And recent studies shown woman will only marry a man who looks less attractive than them.

I don't think that's true, though I would expect a very pretty/handsome person to be vain and perhaps more susceptible to temptation to cheat. Its probably an unfair prejudice. Other than that concern which might not be rooted in reality, I see no reason for a lady to turn down a man on account of him being too attractive.

[Muhammed Ali]

I don't think that's true, though I would expect a very pretty/handsome person to be vain and perhaps more susceptible to temptation to cheat. Its probably an unfair prejudice. Other than that concern which might not be rooted in reality, I see no reason for a lady to turn down a man on account of him being too attractive.

 

I think there is truth in what he said. Generally men will only marry someone shorter than themselves and many men will not feel comfortable marrying someone much smarter than themselves. Similarly some women may feel wary of marrying someone more attractive. In fact studies have shown that this factor is important in many marriages:

 

 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24128188

 

http://web.knoxnews.com/pdf/040208marriage-attractivenessstudy.pdf

 

From the abstract of the 2nd paper:

 

Instead, the relative difference between partners’ levels of attractiveness appeared to be most important in predicting marital behavior, such that both spouses behaved more positively in relationships in which wives were more attractive than their husbands, but they behaved more negatively in relationships in which husbands were more attractive than their wives.

 

So counter intuitively there may be a disadvantage to being a very attractive man, in this particular context.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Muhammed Ali

[Khalilallah]

stupid culture,student with no job,parents,my shyness and luck.

Do your duas and pray to God, you are in the same situation as me.

I am serious here, let everyone know yo are searching and get people to matchmake for you, even if you have no success at least you will become more confident.

MA,

So counter intuitively there may be a disadvantage to being a very attractive man, in this particular context.

all right, this means I am definetely gonna get a yes.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Khalilallah

[Muhammed Ali]

all right, this means I am definetely gonna get a yes.

 

My thoughts were more along the lines of the very attractive men being less satisfied in marriage or having difficulty in finding a spouse. Similarly a very intelligent, knowledgeable and pious woman will also face those problems.

 

Khalilallah your own chances will increase when you are older, have money, status etc. Unfortunately this is the way it is with most people. However on more a positive note, at least you as a man have a potentially longer period of greater eligibility.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Muhammed Ali

[Khalilallah]

I don't need a longer potentiality, I need an earlier marriage, I am fasting 7 days a week always. I would rather be a girl, bear the hardships of being a girl and marry some poor dude early on.

[Reza]

I don't need a longer potentiality, I need an earlier marriage, I am fasting 7 days a week always. I would rather be a girl, bear the hardships of being a girl and marry some poor dude early on.

 

No you wouldn't.  I'm calling nonsense on that one. 

[shiamehdi14]

Well when I briefly discussed this with my mother she said because of me not having a job. My dad said that the future person you want to become, nobody wants to marry their daughter off to. So now I play the waiting game and see how the future plays out. I really want a wife and a child but I am sure it is not going to happen within the time I want. So I just have to wait.

[narcotic_ice]

The girl who wants to find a guy less attractive than herself is the actress drama queen type. Don't fall for her because she will never allow you to be yourself. You would have to do what she wants all the time, even have to be overly dramatic so that she gets the drama she requires on a daily basis. You won't be able to chill unless she is out shopping. :unsure:

Thats why I would go to the gym called "24 hour fitness"... Probably would sleep there, they even have showers lol

I think there is truth in what he said. Generally men will only marry someone shorter than themselves and many men will not feel comfortable marrying someone much smarter than themselves. Similarly some women may feel wary of marrying some more attractive. In fact studies have shown that this factor is important in many marriages:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24128188

http://web.knoxnews.com/pdf/040208marriage-attractivenessstudy.pdf

From the abstract of the 2nd paper:

So counter intuitively there may be a disadvantage to being a very attractive man, in this particular context.

This.