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Fresh-imaan

How To Stop A Parent Backbiting

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Salam all, 

 

So my mum has this cultural habit of backbiting. ALWAYS finding bad to say about someone in one way or another. Even those who have just died. She just focuses on the bad they have done. I have tried telling her politely for a long time. She would get angry and say "are you my mother or am I yours". It is literaly doing my head in, I feel like running away from home. I like can't take it anymore. If she does it sometimes, I'll be like mum, please just leave it, or change the subject, or defend the person. But how do I get her to break this habit?  and I don't want to even listen to it! 

 

arghh

 

please help, can someone advise me on what to do and how to?

 

 I just wish the ground would swallow me up right now, honestly. I don't even feel like eating because I am just so put off by this.

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Salam all, 

 

So my mum has this cultural habit of backbiting. ALWAYS finding bad to say about someone in one way or another. Even those who have just died. She just focuses on the bad they have done. I have tried telling her politely for a long time. She would get angry and say "are you my mother or am I yours". It is literaly doing my head in, I feel like running away from home. I like can't take it anymore. If she does it sometimes, I'll be like mum, please just leave it, or change the subject, or defend the person. But how do I get her to break this habit?  and I don't want to even listen to it! 

 

arghh

 

please help, can someone advise me on what to do and how to?

 

 I just wish the ground would swallow me up right now, honestly. I don't even feel like eating because I am just so put off by this.

 

Salaam,

 

Explain to her why it is a sin in Islam to do so. Explain to her, that a believing Muslim should not have such conduct, and how she would feel if others did it to her. If she yells at you again, after you show her the verse in the quran, tell her, you did what Allah has commanded, and you leave the rest to Allah. Make sure to tell her, you are telling her because you love her. Show her the verse in the quran:

 

O you who believe! avoid most of suspicion, for surely suspicion in some cases is a sin, and do not spy nor let some of you backbite others. Does one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? But you abhor it; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, surely Allah is Oft-returning (to mercy), Merciful. 49:12

 

(wasalam)

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Remind her about this quote from Imam Ali (AS): 

 

"He who bears tales to you, 

certainly bears tales about you." 

 

Prophet Muhammad (s) once said to Imam Ali (AS):

O Ali! When someone hears the backbiting of his Muslim brother committed in his presence, yet he does not rally to his assistance despite being capable of doing so, God shall humiliate him in the world and in the Hereafter.[Al-Hurr al-`Amili, Wasa'il al-Shi`ah, vol. 8, hadith no. 16336]

 

The Prophet (s) once gave counsel to Abu Dharr, saying: O Abu Dharr! Beware of backbiting, forbackbiting is graver than adultery (zina). Abu Dharr ® said: Why is that so, O Messenger of Allah? He (s) replied: That is because when a man commits adultery and then repents to God, God accepts his repentance. However, backbiting is not forgiven until forgiven by its victim. [Al-Hurr al-`Amili, Wasai'l al-Shi`ah, vol. 8, hadith no. 18312]

 

Tell her all the reasons why backbiting is bad. 

 

http://www.al-islam.org/nutshell/diseases_soul/6.htm 

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Mashallah very interesting replies.

 

The majority of us suffer from such a problem.

 

In my families case, we have quoted from the hadith about Imam Ali a.s , the Prophet pbuh and his family, the Quran and even made stuff up . All fall on deaf ears.

 

If it is in there blood, it is in there blood.

 

The issue on hand is that they do not believe they are backbiting , they think that it is normal talk lol lol lol lol

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٤٩_١٢ يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱجْتَنِبُوا۟ كَثِيرًۭا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعْضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثْمٌۭ ۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا۟ وَلَا يَغْتَب بَّعْضُكُم بَعْضًا ۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمْ أَن يَأْكُلَ لَحْمَ أَخِيهِ مَيْتًۭا فَكَرِهْتُمُوهُ ۚ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ تَوَّابٌۭ رَّحِيمٌۭ

 

49:12 O you who have faith! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicions are sins. And do not spy on one another or backbite. Will any of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it. Be wary of Allah; indeed Allah is all-clement, all-merciful.

 

God >

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Best way to prevent her from Backbiting is to explain to her the outcome or how is backbiting viewed in Islam, from Quran and Mohammad and Ale Mohammad's (as) prospective. If she still insists on Backbiting, I would rather excuse myself and walk away from her, because as a listener you are sharing the same sin as your mom.  Imam Ali (as) said, 'The one who listens to backbiting is as bad as the backbiter.' [Ghurar al-Hikam, no 1171]

 

The Prophet (S) said, "Backbiting is worse than adultery', at which he was asked, 'How so?' He replied, 'A man commits adultery then repents and Allah pardons him for it, whereas the backbiter is not forgiven until his victim forgives him.' [Al-Targhib wa al-Tarhib V.3 p.511 no. 24]

 

The Prophet (S) said, 'On the day of Resurrection, a man will be brought forth to stand before Allah, and his book of deeds will be presented to him, and he will not see any of his good deeds therein, upon which he will exclaim, 'My God, this is not my book! for verily I do not see any of my acts of obedience therein?!' So he will be told, 'Verily your Lord neither loses or forgets your deeds, but your deeds have gone because of your backbiting people.' Then another man will be brought forth, and will be presented his book of deeds, and he will see many acts of obedience recorded therein, and will exclaim,'My God, this is not my book! For verily I did not perform all these acts of obedience!' and he will be told, 'It is because so and so backbit you, so his deeds have been transferred to you,'  [ Jami'a al-Akhbar, P 412 No. 1144] 

 

 

Ya Ali Madad

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You know mothers care a lot about their children, so you should use yourself to coerce her into something. 

 

For example: There was a time when my mum would buy fresh bread for breakfast and then for lunch she would buy a new bread and throw away half of the morning bread which was left over. This didn't sit well with me, so I told her and she did not listen and kept being wasteful. I then decided to eat nothing but the left over bread that she throws away, so when she made lunch and dinner and sat down to eat the rice and meat, I sat in front of her and ate the cold left over bread with water, did this for a week and then she cracked.

 

She then couldn't take her son suffering from eating bread and water and so she amended her ways. Alhumdolillah.

 

Now what you can do is to get up and leave whenever she back bites or you could refuse to sit with her and when she asks "why?", just say "Back biting is haram and to listen to it is also haram, I would prefer to obey my lord over my sinful parents".

 

If you want to change her habit you have to risk her anger, so just be ready to move whenever she back bites people even if you are in the middle of lunch, just take your plate and go.

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Salam all,

Thank you for your replies. May Allah reward you all. They were great. KhalilAllah, that is an amazing tactic but it may not work for me as we have a very strange relationship. I think partly because she is unwell she generally stresses alot. So today after Fajr, I decided to gently tell her. I mixed alot from the advice you guys gave me. Oh my God, she went mad, I can't even write it all. she said you do this and that, stay away from me, I won't sit in your gatherings, I will stay away. Can't I talk if someone has done zulm on me? I said mum, thats different, I am saying it because I care about you. I don't need your care and love etc. You watch what will happen in the future to you (she's referring to my life, when someone zulm to me over time, with Allah's help I put a stop to it. But she never believed me. She now says I will be cursed) it was so hard. I left the room to wake my bro. The prayer room door was open. She said I spoke about this person because he did this and that to me then she started to hit her own head. :cry:

I just came to my room. Couldn't take it, didnt get to read anything. I feel so unwell after that. Never again, I can't talk to her anymore.

Edited by Fresh-imaan

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@Fresh-Imaan

 

I can understand and feel your pain. Almost all are facing this habit specially from mother's end. I was thinking i am clever and will change my mother with this and that but at the end i too get fed up and left her on Allah.

 

The main problem is " illiteracy " and we can't say that to any relative, they just scold us if ever we need help to solve this issue. The usual reply i face .. A lady who suffer a lot to make you literate, you are telling her illiterate. They are right too. But the Literacy concept is different here. Mother is mother we can't go against her as Prophet (pbuh) said in one hadith , mother is having 4 right on kids then father's 1. So at the end i left her on Allah, may Allah enlighten her with right knowledge.

 

But its hard , really hard. If she will read Hadith may be she only read and not feel. If she feel there is a chance her brain is not capable to understand it properly the concept and the essence left in hadith to practically implement it in one's life.

 

I am not providing you any solution brother/sister but i am just telling you that many in Indian Pakistan are facing this problem.

 

One reason i found is , the misconceptions and the practices which was running from ages in communities are all of sudden came under attack when this Internet came into existence and world become Global Village. We came directly in contact with Many scholars and we started struggle to find the right path, our brain work become more and we feel that instead of cursing someone .. better to sit on net and get some info about this and that. Imam Hasan (as) said .. Food is for body and knowledge is food for brain. I found that new generation is going close to Religion more , then the previous No-Internet generation. They were limited to few books and many are not able to compare scholars, they were all getting one-two Maulana every year and whatever they were telling was enough for them. That kind of practice broked in just 5 years due to internet and new generation reached to Unlimited amount of scholars, they read there Philosophy and according to that they started following something better. On other hand old generation ( previous one ) was not able to understand this Internet concept and they become limted to there activities.

 

So you can usually hear these dialouges too .. " In our time we was doing this and that " .. " in our time we was having just one dress " etc , actually they are missing the Imam's concept where Imam Ali (as) said grow your kids for future instead of yours.

 

I hope they can fill some gap. Other wise no other solution so far i get.

Edited by alirex

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@Fresh-Imaan

 

I can understand and feel your pain. Almost all are facing this habit specially from mother's end. I was thinking i am clever and will change my mother with this and that but at the end i too get fed up and left her on Allah.

 

The main problem is " illiteracy " and we can't say that to any relative, they just scold us if ever we need help to solve this issue. The usual reply i face .. A lady who suffer a lot to make you literate, you are telling her illiterate. They are right too. But the Literacy concept is different here. Mother is mother we can't go against her as Prophet (pbuh) said in one hadith , mother is having 4 right on kids then father's 1. So at the end i left her on Allah, may Allah enlighten her with right knowledge.

 

But its hard , really hard. If she will read Hadith may be she only read and not feel. If she feel there is a chance her brain is not capable to understand it properly the concept and the essence left in hadith to practically implement it in one's life.

 

I am not providing you any solution brother/sister but i am just telling you that many in Indian Pakistan are facing this problem.

 

One reason i found is , the misconceptions and the practices which was running from ages in communities are all of sudden came under attack when this Internet came into existence and world become Global Village. We came directly in contact with Many scholars and we started struggle to find the right path, our brain work become more and we feel that instead of cursing someone .. better to sit on net and get some info about this and that. Imam Hasan (as) said .. Food is for body and knowledge is food for brain. I found that new generation is going close to Religion more , then the previous No-Internet generation. They were limited to few books and many are not able to compare scholars, they were all getting one-two Maulana every year and whatever they were telling was enough for them. That kind of practice broked in just 5 years due to internet and new generation reached to Unlimited amount of scholars, they read there Philosophy and according to that they started following something better. On other hand old generation ( previous one ) was not able to understand this Internet concept and they become limted to there activities.

 

So you can usually hear these dialouges too .. " In our time we was doing this and that " .. " in our time we was having just one dress " etc , actually they are missing the Imam's concept where Imam Ali (as) said grow your kids for future instead of yours.

 

I hope they can fill some gap. Other wise no other solution so far i get.

 

May Allah reward you for your empathy Thank you for your reply Alirex. I understand what you mean. The hardest thing is that mum isn't illiterate. She does islamic studies, is religious, prays, fast teaches everything. I do understand where you are coming from. But mum had quite alot of access to books then too. She was sunni then became shia by reading sahih bukhari-muslim etc. Of course she didn't have that like we have now. Yes, people hurt her alot but my point was we have to be careful as then we add things  to it turning it into backbiting or saying things that others wouldn't like and how we all need to improve and focus on ourselves. I am speaking to myself aswell as you. That's it, Just have to pray to Allah that she realises (though I think she may reflect etc after that conversation as she isn't a bad person) and leave it to him now. I will keep away where I can. Although it is tough in itself as she is my mother and I try to be good to her and help her.  :cry: . 

 

Please remember me, my mum and my family in your prayers everyone. 

 

iltemase duas

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Gheebah is called the fruit basket of the gathering. People fall into it easily and get carried on by it during heated rant.

Not only the family, this can happen at work as well. A good method that I use is the bell method.

It is to simply say "gheebah is haram, leave people alone" lazily and without much stress as often as possible , and say it once in every incident. This can work double ways. We often preach to others but forget our selves but when we ring the bell of warning whenever there is a gheebah, after a while the bell will be ringing from within .

Also, you will get a reward through 2 ways : disliking the harm act. This heart deed is the weakest of imaaan.

Also, when you defend other believers, you will be paying them their rights of brotherhood which is a good deed.

Preaching others isn't our job. We should concern ourselves with ourselves.

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If there is no hope for someone amr bil maroof wa nahi Anil munkar is not wajib. Try to distant your ears and guard your words and keep good family relations. And yes as Ali said above is another condition one mjust be sure there is no excuse or misunderstand fir the words before even using amr bil maroof

Edited by Rohani

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Gheebah is called the fruit basket of the gathering. People fall into it easily and get carried on by it during heated rant.

Not only the family, this can happen at work as well. A good method that I use is the bell method.

It is to simply say "gheebah is haram, leave people alone" lazily and without much stress as often as possible , and say it once in every incident. This can work double ways. We often preach to others but forget our selves but when we ring the bell of warning whenever there is a gheebah, after a while the bell will be ringing from within .

Also, you will get a reward through 2 ways : disliking the harm act. This heart deed is the weakest of imaaan.

Also, when you defend other believers, you will be paying them their rights of brotherhood which is a good deed.

Preaching others isn't our job. We should concern ourselves with ourselves.

 

Yes but I did highlight that I said it is for both of us. Meaning let us both ensure we don't. As we always have to look at ourselves first. It is my mother, I can't bear to see her sin.

Also be sure that it's backbiting. For example, if she speaks about an act which a person did in public - then it's NOT backbiting.

 

of course dear. I wouldn't say it without reason. I said to her that if someone did something against you, that is different. It is all the extra bits that they wouldn't like or are excess is what I am talking about. 

Edited by Fresh-imaan

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