A Question For The Brothers.

[-Fatima- 60]

(salam)

 

Dear brothers,

I have been married for over a year now, and both my husband and I try to be practicing Muslims. We stay away from haraam alhamdulillah as much as possible, however as a newly married couple we still have our arguments and misunderstandings. 

I among other things, have a certain problem. It's jealousy, however not the usual jealousy in women, and I try to suppress it as much as possible, and I know that the jealousy of a woman is kufr. However when I am jealous, I believe it is because of Islamic reasoning and logic.

For example, my husband has women on his Facebook, multiple that dress inappropriately, i.e. short dresses (keep in mind my husband does not allow any men on my profile even though I upload no photos of my self, including cousins overseas and such).

Now, I've brought up the subject of "Why do you see it necessary to have women on your Facebook?" and he'd reply something like "Oh they're friends from highschool, or she's my mates sister". I think we can all agree that there is no such thing as friendship in Islam between the opposite sex, I know these are women he is not in contact with, yet he insists on keeping them. If I dare open up the subject he would get incredibly angry and say I'm just jealous of other women. But I truly mean it when I say that is not the case. He always claims that he has ghayrat over his women, but I believe that a man should not have ghayrat over his wife/sisters/mum yet have no ghayrat towards other people's women, it doesn't make sense to me. And it's not like they're scarfed modest women, they're mainly westerners or on the edge Muslims. And another thing he says "I know what I'm doing" or "men have the right to marry more than one wife", but I don't see how that relates in any possible way.

I see this as completely illogical.

 

I realised at one point his relationship with co-workers became a little comfortable, so I pointed it out and again he snapped calling me jealous and I don't know what he does at work. But for example he received a birthday card from his co workers and certain women wrote personal joke calling him "my Arch nemesis" that's not something someone would exchange in a professional relationship.

 

Today, he had basketball after work and when he was telling me a story, I realised he made a joke with one of the women, but that's not the problem, I realised that there was a decent possibility that women were also playing basketball with them. I asked him if he played with women, in a normal manner and tone as if it were the rest of our conversation, and again he called me jealous and said "I played with ten women" sarcasticly and then he made another sarcastic remark about women that hurt me. He didn't reply to my question and asked me to leave him alone.

 

If I knew my husband was a guy that didn't care for religion, I'd drop the case. But the thing is we always talk about reaching the ultimate goal and that's being devout followers of Imam Mahdi A.S. I point these things out truly for religion's sake, and that I find it surprising that my husband would say or do some of the things he does. I feel like my husband sways in the environment you put him in, put him with a religious group of guys, he sways towards them, send him to work, he sways a little towards them, and truly Imam Ali says tell me who your friends are I'll tell you who you are.

 

What I want to know is the brother's' view on this, especially the married ones. Is this just how all men are? Is what my husband is doing truly considered ok by men? And do men think because they have the right to marry four, they can look at other women (even though I know the answer to this)?

Also, I'd like to add that during the time we were getting to know each other, he would literally give me his Facebook and say delete anything you want.

I feel like during our marriage he fears of being controlled by his wife, on multiple occasion he said things like you don't control me or I'm the man.

[Abu Hadi 8,753]

There is the hukm sharia regarding this. If he is momin, as you say he should know this. 

He should stay within those bounds. If he is going outside those bounds (and playing a contact sport with non mahram is definitely outside those bounds) then he is committing a sin. If you have direct proof that he is going outside the bounds of sharia, then it is you duty (as this is the duty of one momin to another) to 'call him on it'. How you do it though is important (if this is in fac the case). 

 

I can tell you though, as a married man who lives in the West and works mostly around non muslims, and I work with many women also, that it is a 'day to day' constant struggle to stay within the halal and I don't think there is anyone I know of who hasn't at least a few time gotten into grey areas as far as hukm sharia who is in the same situation. 

 

There are certain things that you really are required to do in order to maintain a good working relationship with non mahram , non muslim women. First is to, occassionally, laugh and joke with them (in a respectable way of course). If you don't do this, your relationship with them, especially if they are non muslim women, will deteriorate quickly to the point where you will no longer be able to work with them and it will affect your job, career. But this should be limited to talking. If there is any physical contact going on, then that is not a grey area and definitely haram, also if he is sending messages on facebook of an intimate / non work nature (because many companies require you to be on facebook now, unfortunately, so for many men this is part of their job) then this is not a grey area and clearly haram or if he is viewing photographs of them wearing cloths or lack of cloths that they wouldn't normally wear in public / at work then this is also clearly haram and you should do 'amr bil maroof...' about this. 

 

The first and most appropriate place for 'amr bil maroof wa anhouunay al munkhar' (enjoining good and forbidding evil) is at home and amoung your immediate family. This is absolutely something we must do, and especially if, as you say, he cares about religion, then it is extremely important. At the same time, there are guidelines for this. First, 'amr...' only applies to wajib and haram so if he is failing to do his wajib or doing something haram(clearly haram, like what i mentioned above)  and you have 100% proof that he is doing, then you need to ask him about it, and in fact this is your wajibat to do this. At the same time, you need to do this in a respectable way and you must have come across the information in the course of normal events, i.e. it is haram to spy on him and get the information that way. 

 

The worst and most destructive thing you could do to your marriage is to spy on him and then bring up the information or to confront him (in a disrespectful way) about things that are not clearly haram or things that you don't have 100% proof that he is doing. This is called 'hen pecking' in English and it often leads to the destruction of marriage or leads to the man withdrawing from the marriage. Please don't do that. Salam. 

Edited January 7, 2015 by Abu Hadi

[baqar 1,148]

And do men think because they have the right to marry four, they can look at other women

 

No, they don't have the right to look at other women.

 

Certainly not.

 

In any case, the 4-wife option is really a myth.

 

It is only permissible if you can treat them equally.

 

Most people cannot even treat 4 children equally.

 

So do you think they can treat 4 women equally?

 

I say 'impossible'.

 

So four wives is only a theoretical option -  impossible to put  to practice. 

The worst and most destructive thing you could do to your marriage is to spy on him

 

True

[-Fatima- 60]

No, they don't have the right to look at other women.

 

Certainly not.

 

In any case, the 4-wife option is really a myth.

 

It is only permissible if you can treat them equally.

 

Most people cannot even treat 4 children equally.

 

So do you think they can treat 4 women equally?

 

I say 'impossible'.

 

So four wives is only a theoretical option -  impossible to put  to practice. 

Yes it is true, however there is a verse that also says practically "And you will not be able to but try and God will forgive" so, not so myth.

 

Brother Abu Hadi, I completely agree with you.

However, is it normal to have your mate's Muslim sister that dresses inappropriately (without a hijab of course) and say it's a valid reason, or even have girls you knew 7 years ago or more? I don't understand this. I mean, men are more likely to fall into sin by looking at a woman, rather than for example, him not allowing me to have a cousin over seas that added me, isn't this double standards in one sense? I'm not using the "he can so why can't I" card, I just truly want answers cause this really gets to me sometimes.

[Abu Hadi 8,753]

Yes it is true, however there is a verse that also says practically "And you will not be able to but try and God will forgive" so, not so myth.

 

Brother Abu Hadi, I completely agree with you.

However, is it normal to have your mate's Muslim sister that dresses inappropriately (without a hijab of course) and say it's a valid reason, or even have girls you knew 7 years ago or more? I don't understand this. I mean, men are more likely to fall into sin by looking at a woman, rather than for example, him not allowing me to have a cousin over seas that added me, isn't this double standards in one sense? I'm not using the "he can so why can't I" card, I just truly want answers cause this really gets to me sometimes.

 

If it is not work related (i.e. these women are not co-workers, customers, potential customers) then it is a grey area. At the same time, it is not clearly haram unless he is doing above (what I mentioned above). I think the best thing to do would be to invite over some of his male friends / relatives who you know are adl(just) and trustworthy and then while he is there, bring up the general subject about non mahram / non work related contacts on facebook (dont talk about him specifically) and have a conversation about it with them. He may listen to their advice. 

 

If he is not allowing you to add your overseas cousins, well this is the same issue. Although they are your cousins, they are still non mahram, so if you want him to follow this rule then you should also follow it. I know they are your relatives, but, IMHO it is the same issue. 

Edited January 7, 2015 by Abu Hadi

[Sumerian 6,083]

Why are you exposing your husband's deeds to us? This is something that a surprising number of Muslims do, do you know that you shouldn't expose the faults of a Muslim to the world?

[7heavens 9]

Yes it is true, however there is a verse that also says practically "And you will not be able to but try and God will forgive" so, not so myth.

 

Brother Abu Hadi, I completely agree with you.

However, is it normal to have your mate's Muslim sister that dresses inappropriately (without a hijab of course) and say it's a valid reason, or even have girls you knew 7 years ago or more? I don't understand this. I mean, men are more likely to fall into sin by looking at a woman, rather than for example, him not allowing me to have a cousin over seas that added me, isn't this double standards in one sense? I'm not using the "he can so why can't I" card, I just truly want answers cause this really gets to me sometimes.

and why do you need cousins from overseas on your account??

according to the Quran we should NEVER judge a situation unless we hear both sides of the story, so if you want us to give you our judgement, get him to write his side of the story 

this is in accordance with Quran 

the story of dawud and the two who climbed up his walls and into his room to ask for judgement, and he judges hastily without hearing the story of the other side and God warns him about being unjust and dawud seeks forgiveness for it 

so no matter how right you might sound on here, his side of the story might be completely different

and we know woman how deadly they can be with their tongues in destroying peoples reputation, even people we dont know like the person whom you are complaining about 

we hadnt even met him and we have this bad idea about him due to your complaint which could be only from your point of view but far from reality hence get his side of the story from him and then we can judge 

 

Edited January 7, 2015 by 7heavens

[:Sami II 1,914]

(salam) 

 

Why is a wife coming on a public forum and discussing such things to strange men, why are you not discussing such things with your husband , a trusted family member or a Sheikh?

Then if he wishes , you can both discuss it here and get our opinions.

You both seem to have problems associated with living in the west, and it's not going to get any better by doing what most of you do in the west.

To begin with get rid of CIAbook, and all your other silly social networking profiles.

Focus on your marriage and only network with each other before it goes downhill and end up in divorce like all other marriages these days.

 

ws

[-Fatima- 60]

 

Why are you exposing your husband's deeds to us? This is something that a surprising number of Muslims do, do you know that you shouldn't expose the faults of a Muslim to the world?

 

Brother/sister, I am using ShiaChat for the sole reason of no one knowing who I am and who my husband is. Where I live and other details about me are false. No one knows me here, and no one that uses ShiaChat that I know, knows my activity on it, so don't worry, your practically speaking to a ghost.

 

and why do you need cousins from overseas on your account??

according to the Quran we should NEVER judge a situation unless we hear both sides of the story, so if you want us to give you our judgement, get him to write his side of the story 

this is in accordance with Quran 

the story of dawud and the two who climbed up his walls and into his room to ask for judgement, and he judges hastily without hearing the story of the other side and God warns him about being unjust and dawud seeks forgiveness for it 

so no matter how right you might sound on here, his side of the story might be completely different

and we know woman how deadly they can be with their tongues in destroying peoples reputation, even people we dont know like the person whom you are complaining about 

we hadnt even met him and we have this bad idea about him due to your complaint which could be only from your point of view but far from reality hence get his side of the story from him and then we can judge 

 

 

I never argued with him to add them, they added me, I asked him, he said no, I rejected them. Easy. But the thought lingered in my head. As for why, it is to know the state of my aunties, like I found out one of the has cancer at a high stage the other day, I would've known earlier if her son was on my Facebook. As for my profile I have no photos of my self and I post nothing related to me. IF I do post, it's regarding Islam or politics, and that's if. I'd love to tell you his side of the story, but he's not telling me, which is why I'm here to make sense of his behaviour. As for your harsh way of describing me, tell me how deadly I sound to you, me and my husband have a pact that if he ever meets a woman in serious need, he will marry her, and I'm absolutely fine with it. I'm not here lashing out of jealousy, I'm here simply seeking answers, I have also held back on details that I believe may be helpful, but because I have too large a conscience I'm not posting it, EVEN THOUGH no one knows who I am or who he is. I have no reason to make him look bad, if you would like to give me advice on how I should behave or why he is behaving how he is, then please do so, if you have anymore accusations, please, I have no interest in hearing them.

 

Brother Abu Hadi, I thank you for your reply, it was most helpful. He has a friend that is very knowledgeable but I'm far too embarrassed to bring it up in front of him, or even ask my husband to allow me to. I feel like it's not my place. As for spying astaghfurAllah, I know his Facebook password if I wanted to spy, but I never touch his account unless I ask for permission, and even that I don't do, I thank God for that little bit of self control I have lol.

[Khalilallah 1,270]

Why are you exposing your husband's deeds to us? This is something that a surprising number of Muslims do, do you know that you shouldn't expose the faults of a Muslim to the world?

We don't know her genius and we don't know her husband. She is also here because her husband has a problem and she wants to fix him, she is not here merely for gossip.

 

OP, not all men are like that, most religious men avoid contact with Na mahrams unless it is work related but still they keep it to minimum.

 

I personally only have men and women with proper Hijab on my Facebook (I think) list of friends and I am not married and still below 21. So what your husband is doing is not what all men do. Especially grown married men.

 

As brother Abu Hadi said, he is in the wrong and he seems to be doing the counter attack strategy which people use to dodge being questioned, so he accuses you of being jealous when you have every right to ask him and tell him to stop and he has no right to keep haram contacts.

 

And a Mo'min never plays a sport which involves rubbing your back to your opponent with a woman. I was once in a Judo training with a girl and I threw myself and lost on purpose to avoid the contact without complicating things.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Khalilallah

[:Sami II 1,914]

No, they don't have the right to look at other women.

 

Certainly not.

 

In any case, the 4-wife option is really a myth.

 

It is only permissible if you can treat them equally.

 

Most people cannot even treat 4 children equally.

 

So do you think they can treat 4 women equally?

 

I say 'impossible'.

 

So four wives is only a theoretical option -  impossible to put  to practice. 

 

True

(salam) dear bro , 

 

I am proud to say I have 4 wives and I treat them all equally :Alhamdulilah.

I cannot say the same for my mother in laws , no matter what I do , I am not good enough as a son in law .

 

ws

[Sumerian 6,083]

Brother/sister, I am using ShiaChat for the sole reason of no one knowing who I am and who my husband is. Where I live and other details about me are false. No one knows me here, and no one that uses ShiaChat that I know, knows my activity on it, so don't worry, your practically speaking to a ghost.

I'm a guy. It doesn't matter whether we know you personally or not, you're talking ill of your husband. That's Islamically not allowed.

And as for KhalilAllah, stop trying to be the hero in this situation.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Revolving Ace

[-Fatima- 60]

(salam)

 

Why is a wife coming on a public forum and discussing such things to strange men, why are you not discussing such things with your husband , a trusted family member or a Sheikh?

Then if he wishes , you can both discuss it here and get our opinions.

You both seem to have problems associated with living in the west, and it's not going to get any better by doing what most of you do in the west.

To begin with get rid of CIAbook, and all your other silly social networking profiles.

Focus on your marriage and only network with each other before it goes downhill and end up in divorce like all other marriages these days.

 

ws

Brother Sami, no one knows who I am at all on this site, nor does anyone know my husband, in fact I have false information about myself to ensure no one knows me here.

Why don't I consult a sheikh? Because then my identity would be known and so my husbands identity would be known, and I'm too embarrassed to ask my husband for permission to approach a sheikh.

As well brother I read some posts of yours that you have posted in the past in fact a few years ago and I wanted some advice from you, but didn't know if you were still active to message you in regards to a certain topic.

I'm a guy. It doesn't matter whether we know you personally or not, you're talking ill of your husband. That's Islamically not allowed.

And as for KhalilAllah, stop trying to be the hero in this situation.

Ok enough with the speaking ill -_-

You can't do ghaybat without exposing an identity, I've attended hawza long enough to know this small rule. I am not speaking badly of him, as a woman I don't know how to translate his actions, are they good or are they bad. And this is when brother Abu Hadi clarified it to me, and everything is A-OK.

[Khalilallah 1,270]

(salam) dear bro , 

 

I am proud to say I have 4 wives and I treat them all equally :Alhamdulilah.

I cannot say the same for my mother in laws , no matter what I do , I am not good enough as a son in law .

 

ws

You have done the impossible! 

I'm a guy. It doesn't matter whether we know you personally or not, you're talking ill of your husband. That's Islamically not allowed.

And as for KhalilAllah, stop trying to be the hero in this situation.

Stop being a villain and I will stop being the hero.

 

I am sure Abu Hadi is more learned than you, if he is offering sincere advice you should too and if the sister is in the wrong, there are plenty of learned users on here to make her aware, so you are not needed to tell her what to do and what not to do.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Khalilallah

[Sumerian 6,083]

No, they don't have the right to look at other women.

 

Certainly not.

 

In any case, the 4-wife option is really a myth.

 

It is only permissible if you can treat them equally.

 

Most people cannot even treat 4 children equally.

 

So do you think they can treat 4 women equally?

 

I say 'impossible'.

 

So four wives is only a theoretical option -  impossible to put  to practice. 

 

True

That's ACTUALLY a myth. It is said to treat them JUSTLY not EQUALLY.

Question: What is the meaning of “justice” required by religious law in dealing with one’s wives?

Answer: The justice that is required [in dealing with polygamy] is related to the division [of time between them] in the sense that when he spends a night with one of them then, he must spend one night each with the rest of them in every four nights.The justice that is required as a recommendation is equality in spending money, giving attention, cheerfulness, and fulfillment of their sexual needs, etc.

Source: http://www.sistani.o...h/book/46/2063/

[-Fatima- 60]

We don't know her genius and we don't know her husband. She is also here because her husband has a problem and she wants to fix him, she is not here merely for gossip.

 

OP, not all men are like that, most religious men avoid contact with Na mahrams unless it is work related but still they keep it to minimum.

 

I personally only have men and women with proper Hijab on my Facebook (I think) list of friends and I am not married and still below 21. So what your husband is doing is not what all men do.

 

As brother Abu Hadi said, he is in the wrong and he seems to be doing the counter attack strategy which people use to dodge being questioned, so he accuses you of being jealous when you have every right to ask him and tell him to stop and he has no right to keep haram contacts.

 

And a Mo'min never plays a sport which involves rubbing your back to your opponent with a woman. I was once in a Judo training with a girl and I threw myself and lost on purpose to avoid the contact without complicating things.

Thank you for your reply brother,

I have no proof of him actually playing sport with the women, I'm only sure that they were there, but I just have my doubts because he became so defensive, instead of saying no or yes :\

It's just difficult when you're a woman you know, we have estrogen jumping around on one side, and shaytaan on the other -_-

I want to monitor my nafs to not fall in inappropriate doubt or even worse, jealousy. That's why I'm here hoping to find clarification.

[Sumerian 6,083]

You have done the impossible! 

Stop being a villain and I will stop being the hero.

 

I am sure Abu Hadi is more learned than you, if he is offering sincere advice you should too and if the sister is in the wrong, there are plenty of learned users on here to make her aware, so you are not needed to tell her what to do and what not to do.

Lol stop embarassing yourself, seriously. Talking ill of a believer is HARAAM. Nuff Said.

[Khalilallah 1,270]

Thank you for your reply brother,

I have no proof of him actually playing sport with the women, I'm only sure that they were there, but I just have my doubts because he became so defensive, instead of saying no or yes :\

It's just difficult when you're a woman you know, we have estrogen jumping around on one side, and shaytaan on the other -_-

I want to monitor my nafs to not fall in inappropriate doubt or even worse, jealousy. That's why I'm here hoping to find clarification.

You know we have to do away with suspicion. So don't ask him unless you have proof.

[:Sami II 1,914]

Brother Sami, no one knows who I am at all on this site, nor does anyone know my husband, in fact I have false information about myself to ensure no one knows me here.

Why don't I consult a sheikh? Because then my identity would be known and so my husbands identity would be known, and I'm too embarrassed to ask my husband for permission to approach a sheikh.

As well brother I read some posts of yours that you have posted in the past in fact a few years ago and I wanted some advice from you, but didn't know if you were still active to message you in regards to a certain topic.

 

I am at your service dear sister.

but please answer this question , if your husband knew this was you and you were on SC asking such questions about his marriage , will he be happy ?

[Sumerian 6,083]

I am at your service dear sister.

but please answer this question , if your husband knew this was you and you were on SC asking such questions about his marriage , will he be happy ?

PERFECT COMMENT! This is what I'm trying to say bro!

[-Fatima- 60]

 

I am at your service dear sister.

but please answer this question , if your husband knew this was you and you were on SC asking such questions about his marriage , will he be happy ?

 

He won't be upset brother, he always tells me ask before you assume. I'm here asking. I reckon he would throw what Abu Hadi said in my face to be honest.

I've written on SC using him as an example before, and I read it to him he didn't care because I showed him that no one knew me and my info is misleading.

God is my witness that I am not asking to prove him wrong here or try prove myself right, I'm only asking to see unbiased opinions and Brother Abu Hadi hit the mark alhamdulillah.

Inshallah I will private message you my question unless you prefer for whatever reason that I post it publicly.

[Sumerian 6,083]

So he wouldn't be angered about you telling us some of the things he does in his private life? If so, then I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

[-Fatima- 60]

So he wouldn't be angered about you telling us some of the things he does in his private life? If so, then I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

As long as you dont know either of us, he'll be fine. I respect what you mean, but brother truly, research it, not mentioning the name of someone (or hinting out who they are) doesn't make it haram.

[Khalilallah 1,270]

So he wouldn't be angered about you telling us some of the things he does in his private life? If so, then I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

Just to mention, Scholars use other people and their experiences with other people all the time, except scholar keep the anonymity.

 

The sister is doing the same, I think if we do not know the parties involved and the sister isn't back biting than it should be fine. I think.

[:Sami II 1,914]

 

 

 

He won't be upset brother, he always tells me ask before you assume. I'm here asking. I reckon he would throw what Abu Hadi said in my face to be honest.

I've written on SC using him as an example before, and I read it to him he didn't care because I showed him that no one knew me and my info is misleading.

God is my witness that I am not asking to prove him wrong here or try prove myself right, I'm only asking to see unbiased opinions and Brother Abu Hadi hit the mark alhamdulillah.

Inshallah I will private message you my question unless you prefer for whatever reason that I post it publicly.

 

you are welcome to PM me .

Br Abu Hadi is a revert and he is a very good looking white caucasian brother :Alhamdulilah.

We the "brown" wog brothers  cannot apply his perfect reply that is :Islamically spot on for those that can control themselves and for those that don't live in the west.

We brown guys need the "krav maga" style techniques when it comes to such things.

The western streets for men like us are very dangerous and unfortunately to tell you the truth it's not going to work in the long run.

We must try "krav maga" manoeuvres to survive .

 

eg. 

get rid of FB 

We must have more then one wife because at the end of the day we will whether they will be permanent , temp or haram.

we must not expose ourselves to such environments like offices , this is like saying "go into the raging fire, but don't get burnt"  , or "here try this crack but don't get stoned, or " here's a Ferrari to drive around but don't get a speeding fine" , or offering some sweets to a diabetic and saying " don't have an attack ".

That's why I suggested having your own business from home .

I'm assuming your husband is a wog.

 

 

ws

[7heavens 9]

As long as you dont know either of us, he'll be fine. I respect what you mean, but brother truly, research it, not mentioning the name of someone (or hinting out who they are) doesn't make it haram.

to be quiet honest and to give you some humanly advice

maybe he just doesnt find you attractive anymore? maybe you put on some pounds, or maybe he is just monogamous in nature, he just wants as many woman as he can get

 

that's the reality, maybe at home you give him too much pressure (i dont know just guessing) 

i know one problem with muslim woman is that they are coped up way too much in their houses , hence they put on weight easily , they dont go gym regularly and well, its not going to grasp his attention too long

maybe he is looking at the other women because they are more attractive then you 

i dont now it could be anything , maybe he is sick of you (i dont mean to sound harsh but im just throwing suggestions) 

who knows what it is 

but i still think you came to the wrong place to discuss it

you should have gone to a marriage councilor if you cant talk to him directly

maybe you guys r lacking communication so you have to come here and talk to other men to get your communication fix

good luck anyway 

 

[mina 4,813]

Dear sister,i think we only have little effect on what others decide to do,specially when they know they are doing wrong.We have to warn them,tell them what is wrong and why in a sensitive way but what the adviced person does is not in our hands.So what u can can do seems limited when he doesn't want to hear what u have to say.I agree with br.Abu Hadi's post.

[Abdul Majid 169]

@OP

 

(salam)

 

"he said things like you don't control me or I'm the man."

 

This sentence immediately reminded me of this great book: "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

 

I've shared the link to the audiobook, and I strongly suggest reading/listening the book, if you have not already.

 

With regard to Abu Hadi's suggestion, I should say I'm not really sure if it would work.

 

The adds are that he would get mad at you for bringing the topic up in front of his friend.

 

And I think it's better to keep things between you. Going outside the family is always the last resort.

 

So unless you're 100% sure about the technique that you're going to use to discuss the matter in front of his friend, I would not suggest this solution.

 

A very important thing in a healthy relationship is trust.

 

Jealousy is a disease, and most of us have good/logical/Islamic reasons to justify it.

 

Although we may have good reasons to be worried about our partners, we should be aware of our sworn enemy, Satan.

 

So trust your partner and give him some space. At the same time, I think you should communicate your thoughts clearly.

 

The worst place and time to talk to him about these things is when something related to the topic happens.

 

We should wait for a good moment and situation in which we are almost sure that the other person is ready to hear what we want to say.

 

You should gently tell him that his words hurt you and that you love him and that's the reason for you to be worried about him.

 

Writing a letter or sending him an email and explaining everything in a clear way would sometimes work.

 

May Allah (s.w.t.) help you and bless you and your family, inshaAllah.

 

(wasalam)

[monad 1,412]

Perfect example of rebellion over, perceived authority. Take the responses and counter responses to the responses. Each person distracting and diluting the original post, with their own ideas and opinions. Just manipulate your husband and make him jealous, should be easy for women.

[The Green Knight 7,364]

All I see is a lack of communication. Typical in early married life. These days the non-Hijabi women are everywhere, not just the West, not only on Facebook, but practically found everywhere; on bill boards, ads, magazines, television, streets, workplace, radio, everywhere and in all countries. That's a gray area spanning much of the human habitats on this planet. It will be difficult to protect him from the exposure and the gray area. Is he in danger of sinning? Definitely. He alone can avoid sin and pass this test. Should you feel concerned and jealous? I think you should give your relationship more time and find something better to do. I can bet you don't have children. A cheating spouse is normally simple to catch by their spouse. Our individual duty in this life is to warn others and that's it, and after that you won't be questioned about it by God. Meticulously monitoring and nagging him won't solve anything, if there is something to solve. See dear sister that we are all born alone and will leave here alone and judged alone, so with the religious duty done remind yourself about that. These pairs made here on earth are not usually eternal. Be thankful for good times and remind yourself things could have been much worse. And for God's sake, don't let the stupid facebook of all things scar your relationship.

[Abu Hadi 8,753]

 

 

 

Brother/sister, I am using ShiaChat for the sole reason of no one knowing who I am and who my husband is. Where I live and other details about me are false. No one knows me here, and no one that uses ShiaChat that I know, knows my activity on it, so don't worry, your practically speaking to a ghost.

 

 

I never argued with him to add them, they added me, I asked him, he said no, I rejected them. Easy. But the thought lingered in my head. As for why, it is to know the state of my aunties, like I found out one of the has cancer at a high stage the other day, I would've known earlier if her son was on my Facebook. As for my profile I have no photos of my self and I post nothing related to me. IF I do post, it's regarding Islam or politics, and that's if. I'd love to tell you his side of the story, but he's not telling me, which is why I'm here to make sense of his behaviour. As for your harsh way of describing me, tell me how deadly I sound to you, me and my husband have a pact that if he ever meets a woman in serious need, he will marry her, and I'm absolutely fine with it. I'm not here lashing out of jealousy, I'm here simply seeking answers, I have also held back on details that I believe may be helpful, but because I have too large a conscience I'm not posting it, EVEN THOUGH no one knows who I am or who he is. I have no reason to make him look bad, if you would like to give me advice on how I should behave or why he is behaving how he is, then please do so, if you have anymore accusations, please, I have no interest in hearing them.

 

Brother Abu Hadi, I thank you for your reply, it was most helpful. He has a friend that is very knowledgeable but I'm far too embarrassed to bring it up in front of him, or even ask my husband to allow me to. I feel like it's not my place. As for spying astaghfurAllah, I know his Facebook password if I wanted to spy, but I never touch his account unless I ask for permission, and even that I don't do, I thank God for that little bit of self control I have lol.

 

 

Salam. You sound like a very reasonable person and a good mumina (ia). I will make dua' for you and your husband that things will work out. 

[-Fatima- 60]

you are welcome to PM me .

Br Abu Hadi is a revert and he is a very good looking white caucasian brother :Alhamdulilah.

We the "brown" wog brothers  cannot apply his perfect reply that is :Islamically spot on for those that can control themselves and for those that don't live in the west.

We brown guys need the "krav maga" style techniques when it comes to such things.

The western streets for men like us are very dangerous and unfortunately to tell you the truth it's not going to work in the long run.

We must try "krav maga" manoeuvres to survive .

 

eg. 

get rid of FB 

We must have more then one wife because at the end of the day we will whether they will be permanent , temp or haram.

we must not expose ourselves to such environments like offices , this is like saying "go into the raging fire, but don't get burnt"  , or "here try this crack but don't get stoned, or " here's a Ferrari to drive around but don't get a speeding fine" , or offering some sweets to a diabetic and saying " don't have an attack ".

That's why I suggested having your own business from home .

I'm assuming your husband is a wog.

 

 

ws

 

I agree with you brother, well said. Alhamdulillah we are planning to go over seas soon, which is terrific and will detox our bodies from the toxins we have absorbed being in this environment, I cannot wait. Yes my husband and I are from two different cultures but we're both of middle eastern background :) Inshaa Allah I will pm you soon.

 

All I see is a lack of communication. Typical in early married life. These days the non-Hijabi women are everywhere, not just the West, not only on Facebook, but practically found everywhere; on bill boards, ads, magazines, television, streets, workplace, radio, everywhere and in all countries. That's a gray area spanning much of the human habitats on this planet. It will be difficult to protect him from the exposure and the gray area. Is he in danger of sinning? Definitely. He alone can avoid sin and pass this test. Should you feel concerned and jealous? I think you should give your relationship more time and find something better to do. I can bet you don't have children. A cheating spouse is normally simple to catch by their spouse. Our individual duty in this life is to warn others and that's it, and after that you won't be questioned about it by God. Meticulously monitoring and nagging him won't solve anything, if there is something to solve. See dear sister that we are all born alone and will leave here alone and judged alone, so with the religious duty done remind yourself about that. These pairs made here on earth are not usually eternal. Be thankful for good times and remind yourself things could have been much worse. And for God's sake, don't let the stupid facebook of all things scar your relationship.

Thank you brother, this is spot on. That's exactly why I'm here, I don't want to be the stereotype "Nagging wife", other than these small arguments our relationship is great, and I don't want to ruin it with coming across as nagging or annoying. It's true, it is all in his hands at the end :\ It's incredibly difficult in the West, especially for men, I know.

Khair inshaa Allah, many of these posts reassured me that it's quite common for these kinds of things to happen, I guess I'll just have to pray harder ^_^

 

 

Perfect example of rebellion over, perceived authority. Take the responses and counter responses to the responses. Each person distracting and diluting the original post, with their own ideas and opinions. Just manipulate your husband and make him jealous, should be easy for women.

 

God, that's horrible.

 

@OP

 

(salam)

 

"he said things like you don't control me or I'm the man."

 

This sentence immediately reminded me of this great book: "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

 

I've shared the link to the audiobook, and I strongly suggest reading/listening the book, if you have not already.

 

With regard to Abu Hadi's suggestion, I should say I'm not really sure if it would work.

 

The adds are that he would get mad at you for bringing the topic up in front of his friend.

 

And I think it's better to keep things between you. Going outside the family is always the last resort.

 

So unless you're 100% sure about the technique that you're going to use to discuss the matter in front of his friend, I would not suggest this solution.

 

A very important thing in a healthy relationship is trust.

 

Jealousy is a disease, and most of us have good/logical/Islamic reasons to justify it.

 

Although we may have good reasons to be worried about our partners, we should be aware of our sworn enemy, Satan.

 

So trust your partner and give him some space. At the same time, I think you should communicate your thoughts clearly.

 

The worst place and time to talk to him about these things is when something related to the topic happens.

 

We should wait for a good moment and situation in which we are almost sure that the other person is ready to hear what we want to say.

 

You should gently tell him that his words hurt you and that you love him and that's the reason for you to be worried about him.

 

Writing a letter or sending him an email and explaining everything in a clear way would sometimes work.

 

May Allah (s.w.t.) help you and bless you and your family, inshaAllah.

 

(wasalam)

 

Thank you so much, it's true. Sometimes speaking later and not in the moment he listens much more and gives me feedback, but when I tell him in the moment, perhaps he feels like I'm accusing him of something. Many times I point out things later, for example while we're driving, he completely agrees and works on it. He's such a beautiful soul, I just need to know how to approach him, and I need to learn to trust him more when it comes to his work, I've never worked in an office area, I'm guessing it's not easy Islamic wise. And as I said in an earlier post, women have estrogen on one side and shaytan on the other, I could be masking my jealousy with religious reasoning, inshaa Allah I'm not straying in anyway, jealousy is a very fine line, and most women fall into it. Again thank you for your post, it was very helpful.

 

to be quiet honest and to give you some humanly advice

maybe he just doesnt find you attractive anymore? maybe you put on some pounds, or maybe he is just monogamous in nature, he just wants as many woman as he can get

 

that's the reality, maybe at home you give him too much pressure (i dont know just guessing) 

i know one problem with muslim woman is that they are coped up way too much in their houses , hence they put on weight easily , they dont go gym regularly and well, its not going to grasp his attention too long

maybe he is looking at the other women because they are more attractive then you 

i dont now it could be anything , maybe he is sick of you (i dont mean to sound harsh but im just throwing suggestions) 

who knows what it is 

but i still think you came to the wrong place to discuss it

you should have gone to a marriage councilor if you cant talk to him directly

maybe you guys r lacking communication so you have to come here and talk to other men to get your communication fix

good luck anyway 

 

Thank you for the advice, however this isn't a midlife crisis lol. I know for a fact that he is very very attracted to me and our relationship is great and growing even better, that I can assure you. As for me, I'm young, childless and not working, so I think I can say I haven't let go of my appearance and weight. I'm not complaining about him hitting on other women or checking out other women lol, he definitely doesn't do that. I'm talking about ensuring he doesn't joke too much or feel too comfortable around other women in order to maintain utmost religious behaviour, which has been helpfully explained to me in other posts. If we had problems that lead to what you said in your post, lol trust me I wouldn't be here discussing this on ShiaChat. He's the sweetest thing and he definitely loves me, that I know ^_^

 

PS:

I'm pretty sure he didn't play basketball with girls now, cause we spoke a little, even though he didn't tell me what happened, I can tell. They were probably just sitting and watching, I should learn to have  a little more faith in him instead of letting my head wonder off.

Over all, I'd like to thank everyone for their input, and I'm glad to say I got what I came here for.

My prayers go out to you all and God bless :)

 

(wasalam)

you are welcome to PM me .

Br Abu Hadi is a revert and he is a very good looking white caucasian brother :Alhamdulilah.

We the "brown" wog brothers  cannot apply his perfect reply that is :Islamically spot on for those that can control themselves and for those that don't live in the west.

We brown guys need the "krav maga" style techniques when it comes to such things.

The western streets for men like us are very dangerous and unfortunately to tell you the truth it's not going to work in the long run.

We must try "krav maga" manoeuvres to survive .

 

eg. 

get rid of FB 

We must have more then one wife because at the end of the day we will whether they will be permanent , temp or haram.

we must not expose ourselves to such environments like offices , this is like saying "go into the raging fire, but don't get burnt"  , or "here try this crack but don't get stoned, or " here's a Ferrari to drive around but don't get a speeding fine" , or offering some sweets to a diabetic and saying " don't have an attack ".

That's why I suggested having your own business from home .

I'm assuming your husband is a wog.

 

 

ws

 

I agree with you brother, well said. Alhamdulillah we are planning to go over seas soon, which is terrific and will detox our bodies from the toxins we have absorbed being in this environment, I cannot wait. Yes my husband and I are from two different cultures but we're both of middle eastern background :) Inshaa Allah I will pm you soon.

 

All I see is a lack of communication. Typical in early married life. These days the non-Hijabi women are everywhere, not just the West, not only on Facebook, but practically found everywhere; on bill boards, ads, magazines, television, streets, workplace, radio, everywhere and in all countries. That's a gray area spanning much of the human habitats on this planet. It will be difficult to protect him from the exposure and the gray area. Is he in danger of sinning? Definitely. He alone can avoid sin and pass this test. Should you feel concerned and jealous? I think you should give your relationship more time and find something better to do. I can bet you don't have children. A cheating spouse is normally simple to catch by their spouse. Our individual duty in this life is to warn others and that's it, and after that you won't be questioned about it by God. Meticulously monitoring and nagging him won't solve anything, if there is something to solve. See dear sister that we are all born alone and will leave here alone and judged alone, so with the religious duty done remind yourself about that. These pairs made here on earth are not usually eternal. Be thankful for good times and remind yourself things could have been much worse. And for God's sake, don't let the stupid facebook of all things scar your relationship.

Thank you brother, this is spot on. That's exactly why I'm here, I don't want to be the stereotype "Nagging wife", other than these small arguments our relationship is great, and I don't want to ruin it with coming across as nagging or annoying. It's true, it is all in his hands at the end :\ It's incredibly difficult in the West, especially for men, I know.

Khair inshaa Allah, many of these posts reassured me that it's quite common for these kinds of things to happen, I guess I'll just have to pray harder ^_^

 

 

Perfect example of rebellion over, perceived authority. Take the responses and counter responses to the responses. Each person distracting and diluting the original post, with their own ideas and opinions. Just manipulate your husband and make him jealous, should be easy for women.

 

God, that's horrible.

 

@OP

 

(salam)

 

"he said things like you don't control me or I'm the man."

 

This sentence immediately reminded me of this great book: "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

 

I've shared the link to the audiobook, and I strongly suggest reading/listening the book, if you have not already.

 

With regard to Abu Hadi's suggestion, I should say I'm not really sure if it would work.

 

The adds are that he would get mad at you for bringing the topic up in front of his friend.

 

And I think it's better to keep things between you. Going outside the family is always the last resort.

 

So unless you're 100% sure about the technique that you're going to use to discuss the matter in front of his friend, I would not suggest this solution.

 

A very important thing in a healthy relationship is trust.

 

Jealousy is a disease, and most of us have good/logical/Islamic reasons to justify it.

 

Although we may have good reasons to be worried about our partners, we should be aware of our sworn enemy, Satan.

 

So trust your partner and give him some space. At the same time, I think you should communicate your thoughts clearly.

 

The worst place and time to talk to him about these things is when something related to the topic happens.

 

We should wait for a good moment and situation in which we are almost sure that the other person is ready to hear what we want to say.

 

You should gently tell him that his words hurt you and that you love him and that's the reason for you to be worried about him.

 

Writing a letter or sending him an email and explaining everything in a clear way would sometimes work.

 

May Allah (s.w.t.) help you and bless you and your family, inshaAllah.

 

(wasalam)

 

Thank you so much, it's true. Sometimes speaking later and not in the moment he listens much more and gives me feedback, but when I tell him in the moment, perhaps he feels like I'm accusing him of something. Many times I point out things later, for example while we're driving, he completely agrees and works on it. He's such a beautiful soul, I just need to know how to approach him, and I need to learn to trust him more when it comes to his work, I've never worked in an office area, I'm guessing it's not easy Islamic wise. And as I said in an earlier post, women have estrogen on one side and shaytan on the other, I could be masking my jealousy with religious reasoning, inshaa Allah I'm not straying in anyway, jealousy is a very fine line, and most women fall into it. Again thank you for your post, it was very helpful.

 

to be quiet honest and to give you some humanly advice

maybe he just doesnt find you attractive anymore? maybe you put on some pounds, or maybe he is just monogamous in nature, he just wants as many woman as he can get

 

that's the reality, maybe at home you give him too much pressure (i dont know just guessing) 

i know one problem with muslim woman is that they are coped up way too much in their houses , hence they put on weight easily , they dont go gym regularly and well, its not going to grasp his attention too long

maybe he is looking at the other women because they are more attractive then you 

i dont now it could be anything , maybe he is sick of you (i dont mean to sound harsh but im just throwing suggestions) 

who knows what it is 

but i still think you came to the wrong place to discuss it

you should have gone to a marriage councilor if you cant talk to him directly

maybe you guys r lacking communication so you have to come here and talk to other men to get your communication fix

good luck anyway 

 

Thank you for the advice, however this isn't a midlife crisis lol. I know for a fact that he is very very attracted to me and our relationship is great and growing even better, that I can assure you. As for me, I'm young, childless and not working, so I think I can say I haven't let go of my appearance and weight. I'm not complaining about him hitting on other women or checking out other women lol, he definitely doesn't do that. I'm talking about ensuring he doesn't joke too much or feel too comfortable around other women in order to maintain utmost religious behaviour, which has been helpfully explained to me in other posts. If we had problems that lead to what you said in your post, lol trust me I wouldn't be here discussing this on ShiaChat. He's the sweetest thing and he definitely loves me, that I know ^_^

 

PS:

I'm pretty sure he didn't play basketball with girls now, cause we spoke a little, even though he didn't tell me what happened, I can tell. They were probably just sitting and watching, I should learn to have  a little more faith in him instead of letting my head wonder off.

Over all, I'd like to thank everyone for their input, and I'm glad to say I got what I came here for.

My prayers go out to you all and God bless :)

 

(wasalam)

[dawudansari2 96]

(salam)

 

Dear brothers,

I have been married for over a year now, and both my husband and I try to be practicing Muslims. We stay away from haraam alhamdulillah as much as possible, however as a newly married couple we still have our arguments and misunderstandings. 

I among other things, have a certain problem. It's jealousy, however not the usual jealousy in women, and I try to suppress it as much as possible, and I know that the jealousy of a woman is kufr. However when I am jealous, I believe it is because of Islamic reasoning and logic.

For example, my husband has women on his Facebook, multiple that dress inappropriately, i.e. short dresses (keep in mind my husband does not allow any men on my profile even though I upload no photos of my self, including cousins overseas and such).

Now, I've brought up the subject of "Why do you see it necessary to have women on your Facebook?" and he'd reply something like "Oh they're friends from highschool, or she's my mates sister". I think we can all agree that there is no such thing as friendship in Islam between the opposite sex, I know these are women he is not in contact with, yet he insists on keeping them. If I dare open up the subject he would get incredibly angry and say I'm just jealous of other women. But I truly mean it when I say that is not the case. He always claims that he has ghayrat over his women, but I believe that a man should not have ghayrat over his wife/sisters/mum yet have no ghayrat towards other people's women, it doesn't make sense to me. And it's not like they're scarfed modest women, they're mainly westerners or on the edge Muslims. And another thing he says "I know what I'm doing" or "men have the right to marry more than one wife", but I don't see how that relates in any possible way.

I see this as completely illogical.

 

I realised at one point his relationship with co-workers became a little comfortable, so I pointed it out and again he snapped calling me jealous and I don't know what he does at work. But for example he received a birthday card from his co workers and certain women wrote personal joke calling him "my Arch nemesis" that's not something someone would exchange in a professional relationship.

 

Today, he had basketball after work and when he was telling me a story, I realised he made a joke with one of the women, but that's not the problem, I realised that there was a decent possibility that women were also playing basketball with them. I asked him if he played with women, in a normal manner and tone as if it were the rest of our conversation, and again he called me jealous and said "I played with ten women" sarcasticly and then he made another sarcastic remark about women that hurt me. He didn't reply to my question and asked me to leave him alone.

 

If I knew my husband was a guy that didn't care for religion, I'd drop the case. But the thing is we always talk about reaching the ultimate goal and that's being devout followers of Imam Mahdi A.S. I point these things out truly for religion's sake, and that I find it surprising that my husband would say or do some of the things he does. I feel like my husband sways in the environment you put him in, put him with a religious group of guys, he sways towards them, send him to work, he sways a little towards them, and truly Imam Ali says tell me who your friends are I'll tell you who you are.

 

What I want to know is the brother's' view on this, especially the married ones. Is this just how all men are? Is what my husband is doing truly considered ok by men? And do men think because they have the right to marry four, they can look at other women (even though I know the answer to this)?

Also, I'd like to add that during the time we were getting to know each other, he would literally give me his Facebook and say delete anything you want.

I feel like during our marriage he fears of being controlled by his wife, on multiple occasion he said things like you don't control me or I'm the man.

 

 

It's clear that sexual instinct, which has deep root in human nature, is more powerful and manifests itself through different forms. Hence, Islam is a comprehensive religion, pave the way for people to be in peace and tranquility mentally on one hand, in order to reach the peaks of humanity, and also fulfill their instinct and innate desire on the other hand, in order to realize both , Islamic shari'a devise a rule regarding relationship between man and woman, Islam encourage people to get married , and have  sexual intercourse in the form of wife and husband  and free relationship is forbidden,  there are  some ruling  in order to keep away  the faithful from falling in to unlawful  relationship :

 

Speaking with a  non- mahram  woman  with the aim of enjoyment  is forbidden in shri'a

 

Looking to a non-mahram   woman with the aim of enjoyment is also forbidden and haram

 

Staying with a woman in place, where there is no any other person is not permitted based on shari'a

 

All the above ruling aimed at keeping man and woman away from having unlawful relationship, because friendship, start from simple connection and gradually develop and improve , hence, Islam wanted to  close the way from   starting point  in order to safeguard people from going in the wrong path .    

[narcotic_ice 64]

I am an alpha man and I don't believe in this 4 wife thing even if a man is stressed like crazy. The only verse in Quran that applies to having more than 1 wife is if the man marries an orphan girl and is not satisfied.

To the OP, men when they marry should not be making their wives mad or sad by hanging out with girls when they are not around. He is probably not interested in your guys relationship anymore. I been through this quite a lot. When someone suddenly doesn't enjoy being around you and avoids you more often than not. It means the interest has declined. As he is your husband, he should know how to treat you better. I would dump him if I was you. And trust me if a man or woman truly loves someone. They will do what the other wants and wouldn't make the other continously sad.

But honestly, have a look at all the successful marriages and you rarely see the partner hanging out with the opposite gender without both the couples being present with each other.

Brb getting divorce papers

Brb found a new person you like

Brb life is now good

Brb didn't have to worry about children from previous marriage cause you didn't have any

[Amna_ 28]

Dear sister, i know it was a question for brothers but let me tell you something. There is so many similar stories like yours where husband adds girls and says it is just a friend, don't focus on Fb etc. but what they do? They focus on Fb.

If you live in the West it is hard to not meet women because of work, mixed society etc. So if your husband see women in the work, in the class or whatever, its normal. If they ask him something its normal. You can be in the same situation that a man can ask you something for example in the class or work or even on the street- especially non muslims because they don't know that they shouldn't ask a girl. If your husband knows his friends in the real life (even if they are not muslims) i don't think there is a reason to delete them (its a bit rude) but if he adds girls and he doesn't know them, i think this is not normal. Sta blessed. <3