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In the Name of God بسم الله

Another Possible Potential.

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Background: 

1. Was still looking for a husband.

2. Finally became open to the possibility of relocating.

3. Was contacted by a brother in Georgia.

4. He is not ugly.  He would look more attractive with a beard. He said he is from Iraq but he look kinda dark.  More like a dark pakistani than an arab.

 

So far............

We have had a lot of conversations about his expectations in a wife.  He asked me did I work and he said he does not want his wife to work.  I told him there is no way I'm relocating to another state and entering into a new marriage without a job.  I said when we start having babies I would have no problem with staying home but until then I'm going to keep work.  

 

This man had the nerve to tell me that I could work inside the home & open a daycare.  I told him there is no way I'm going to watch a bunch of other people's kids for chump change.  

 

He said what do I need money for if he is taking care of the home. I told him I like to shop and get my hair done. Then we had a loooooooooooong conversation about how I could buy everything I need and do my hair at home and then do other people's hair and make money that way.   I told him again I will not be side hustling out the house. I am educated and make a good living in my profession. I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK.

 

Other than us spending 2 hours on the phone arguing about me working he seems nice. He has his own business and a nice sized home (4 bed 2 bath) and plenty of land for me to grow a garden on.

 

I asked him what masjid did he attend and he said he does not go and that he has a masjid at home. He doesn't even go to the masjid for jummah and just prays at home. I asked him why doesn't he go and he said when he first came to America he didn't like it because they prayed to quickly and he likes to take his time praying.  

 

^^^This is the only thing that concerns me. I know I'm not supposed to be suspicious of another Muslims but I've heard of brothers who were abusive to their wives and have been shunned by the community so I will contact my wali to try to make sure this is not one of these types of fools.

 

I will be in Atlanta in 2 weeks. I need to confirm that he is accepting of me working and has a good reputation. 

Edited by Night_Inshallah
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Be careful, watch for red flags, and good luck.

Definitely make sure he will compromise on those things that are important to you. (Career, family, social, religious community.)

I've worked from home a lot. It does allow flexibility to care for children, but can be lonely. If you have a good professional network and social network, you might consider it if you can work in your profession from a home office or workshop.

As for why a woman would want to work even if her husband is willing to support her, security. Nobody knows what the future holds.

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If a potential spouse told me that she wants to work because she likes to shop and have her hair done then I would promptly show her the door.

Men who say this are the very people who want their wives to have nice-looking hair...magically, without any sort of maintenance.

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If a potential spouse told me that she wants to work because she likes to shop and have her hair done then I would promptly show her the door.

 

Bro, she lives in USA. Every girl here likes to shop and look after her self. If you are looking for a house-slave who doesn't leave the house at all then don't get married in any western nation lol.

 

A wife working doesn't seem like a big deal... Lady Khadija worked. I think men are just too worried that their wives will be in public or might earn more money or something.

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Bro, she lives in USA. Every girl here likes to shop and look after her self. If you are looking for a house-slave who doesn't leave the house at all then don't get married in any western nation lol.

 

A wife working doesn't seem like a big deal... Lady Khadija worked. I think men are just too worried that their wives will be in public or might earn more money or something.

No they don't ALL enjoy shopping! But yes, expecting a wife who will never leave the house is likely to lead to an extended bachelorhood. A man has as much right to prefer his wife not work as he has to prefer green eyes, but he can't require her to work nor forbid her from it.
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So obviously I don't know this man you're interested in.  But I will say that it's very easy for men to make promises before you're married, and then once you're locked into the marriage they go back on their word.  Sometimes abruptly, sometimes gradually.  You've really got to make sure that he's looking for a partner and companions in marriage, and not just a baby maker and house keeper.

 

Also, I agree with King - it sounds like you're very superficial if the only reason you want to work is that you want to shop and get your hair did.  If I was this guy, I'd rather hear something along the lines of "I didn't go to school to sit at home all day, gossiping on the phone with the other wives all day, or babysitting random kids, letting my brain go to mush."  Just tell him that it isn't about the money, you want to work because you want to put your degree to good use, want to continue your personal and professional development. 

 

Although I will say that my mother was able to support our household by herself for a few years by babysitting kids at home.  We tightened our belt, but it wasn't chump change either.

 

By the way, Georgia sucks.  Look for someone in Texas.  Even a not so good guy, like myself, will seem a whole lot better by the sheer fact that you'll be in Texas.  We're just that awesome.

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 Just tell him that it isn't about the money, you want to work because you want to put your degree to good use, want to continue your personal and professional development. 

 

Yes, I agree with the quoted part coldcow said above. 
(about Texas though, lol  :lol:  Although I suppose if I had to, I would probably rather live in Austin than other southern US cities.)
 
 
Also, I think it would be a difficult situation to move there when he doesn't like going to the local mosque (unless it's because it's basically a Sunni mosque and there's a Wahabi influence)... because that would make it more difficult for you to move there and plug-in to the community of local Muslims (whether Shia or in general).
 
If you moved there and he didn't want you work + you didn't go to the mosque much, that would make it harder to settle into the area.
Edited by Bright
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Bro, she lives in USA. Every girl here likes to shop and look after her self. If you are looking for a house-slave who doesn't leave the house at all then don't get married in any western nation lol.

 

A wife working doesn't seem like a big deal... Lady Khadija worked. I think men are just too worried that their wives will be in public or might earn more money or something.

 

Noooo! I live in the USA and I don't like shopping... in fact, when I need to, I do it as fast as possible. There are so many better things to do! 

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I never understood why women would want to work when they have a caring husband who would provide for her.

 

Personally and I am sure many brothers do not even dream of such a thing but if I was told by my wife that she will provide me with everything I need, give me money and all she wanted me to do was cook and clean at home. I would be over the moon.

 

But such is against reality and morality, to sit at home and let your wife work for you. but it is completely fine and acceptable by society and religion if women sit at home.

 

Why do you want to work?! Why not pursue all the other great paths in life which most people can't because of money?

Edited by Khalilallah
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Why do you want to work?! Why not pursue all the other great paths in life which most people can't because of money?

Security.

Unless the husband can buy a really good life insurance policy and agree to a very generous "safety" savings account in the wife's name, she would be wise to maintain her professional credentials and connections for in case something happens to her husband and she must support herself and children.

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Security.

Unless the husband can buy a really good life insurance policy and agree to a very generous "safety" savings account in the wife's name, she would be wise to maintain her professional credentials and connections for in case something happens to her husband and she must support herself and children.

Can't they start working after the divorce, rather than risking marriage because they can't feel secure.

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I never understood why women would want to work when they have a caring husband who would provide for her.

 

The answer is because they have useful contributions to make to society.  

 

And society also needs them in plenty of cases... for example, if a Muslim woman would rather go to a female doctor for her medical issues, then female doctors need to have gone through training and be working. 

 

An anti-work view (when taken further) also creates bizarre situations in places like S. Arabia, where men are the clerks/helpers at women's clothing stores and help them decide what clothing to get  :wacko:  (I think I read articles mentioning that was even the case at lingerie stores).  But I've read that that's gradually changing now, because people realized how ridiculous that is.

(update: yep, from 2009: 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7908866.stm  

and then 2012 with a new law:    

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-16412202

) 

 

Can't they start working after the divorce, rather than risking marriage because they can't feel secure.

 

A lot of people have trouble finding jobs as it is, but it's much more difficult for a middle-aged woman with little to no work history.

Edited by Bright
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The answer is because they have useful contributions to make to society.  

 

And society also needs them in plenty of cases... for example, if a Muslim woman would rather go to a female doctor for her medical issues, then female doctors need to have gone through training and be working. 

 

An anti-work view (when taken further) also creates bizarre situations in places like S. Arabia, where men are the clerks/helpers at women's clothing stores and help them decide what clothing to get  :wacko:  (I think I read articles mentioning that was even the case at lingerie stores).  But I've read that that's gradually changing now, because people realized how ridiculous that is.

(update: yep, from 2009: 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7908866.stm  

and then 2012 with a new law:    

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-16412202

) 

 

 

A lot of people have trouble finding jobs as it is, but it's much more difficult for a middle-aged woman with little to no work history.

What is a more important contribution then to be a mother of one of the 313 ?

 

sometime in the not so distant future ....

Career Sister: " oh :Alhamdulilah our beloved :Imam (as) has returned and calls on his faithfuls , it's such  bad timing now , I have month end reports to do , really falling behind on my KPIs and I've already used up my annual leave , and oh I wonder if my mum can take my sweet little Sami to see the :Imam (as) , I will too busy as I have an important sales meeting for the whole day."

Edited by :Sami II
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Yes, I agree with the quoted part coldcow said above. 
(about Texas though, lol   :lol:  Although I suppose if I had to, I would probably rather live in Austin than other southern US cities.)

 

Austin is full of a bunch of dirty hippies that smell.  It does have a lot of nice activities to do, and lots of nice parks.  But too many hippies.  And traffic is horrible.

 

What is a more important contribution then to be a mother of one of the 313 ?

 

sometime in the not so distant future ....

Career Sister: " oh :Alhamdulilah our beloved :Imam (as) has returned and calls on his faithfuls , it's such  bad timing now , I have month end reports to do , really falling behind on my KPIs and I've already used up my annual leave , and oh I wonder if my mum can take my sweet little Sami to see the :Imam (as) , I will too busy as I have an important sales meeting for the whole day."

So you apparently can only think in black and white.  Why can't a woman work until she has a kid and then take a few years off to raise the kid?  And then work part time while the kid is in school?  And what makes you think a "career brother" won't ignore religious obligations to catch up on their reports or whatever?

 

Seriously, I'd like to see some of the guys on here advocating for women to stay home actually stay home themselves.  How long can you possibly keep yourself entertained staying at home all day.  Really, you should try it sometime.  That's how people get fat.  They sit at home all day and have nothing to do but eat.  And then Mr. Man comes home and wants food ready on the table.  That's pretty much marrying a servant.  

 

I want my (future) wife to work.  I don't mind if she works from home, works part time, or just volunteers her entire day and makes no actual money, I want her doing something with human contact where she can develop her mind and have some friends to complain about me to.  Otherwise, with no friends to complain to about me, she's either going to hold it in and then blow up at me, or complain to her mother.  And mothers-in-law are the devil when it comes to keeping fanning the flame of discontent.

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Can't they start working after the divorce, rather than risking marriage because they can't feel secure.

Being out of the workforce is career suicide for professionals. It might be fine for unskilled workers or for people who can maintain their skills and credentials by working from home. If his wife wanting to be able to care for his kids causes a risk to marriage, the husband has confidence issues he needs to resolve.

The answer is because they have useful contributions to make to society.

And society also needs them in plenty of cases... for example, if a Muslim woman would rather go to a female doctor for her medical issues, then female doctors need to have gone through training and be working.

While I agree that we need female professionals, a parent raising children is already making a big contribution to society. Sometimes parents do need to give up their own goals for the sake of their children.

Can't they start working after the divorce, rather than risking marriage because they can't feel secure.

Why do you assume divorce? The husband might become ill or die! Edited by notme
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Austin is full of a bunch of dirty hippies that smell.  It does have a lot of nice activities to do, and lots of nice parks.  But too many hippies.  And traffic is horrible.

 

So you apparently can only think in black and white.  Why can't a woman work until she has a kid and then take a few years off to raise the kid?  And then work part time while the kid is in school?  And what makes you think a "career brother" won't ignore religious obligations to catch up on their reports or whatever?

 

Seriously, I'd like to see some of the guys on here advocating for women to stay home actually stay home themselves.  How long can you possibly keep yourself entertained staying at home all day.  Really, you should try it sometime.  That's how people get fat.  They sit at home all day and have nothing to do but eat.  And then Mr. Man comes home and wants food ready on the table.  That's pretty much marrying a servant.  

 

I want my (future) wife to work.  I don't mind if she works from home, works part time, or just volunteers her entire day and makes no actual money, I want her doing something with human contact where she can develop her mind and have some friends to complain about me to.  Otherwise, with no friends to complain to about me, she's either going to hold it in and then blow up at me, or complain to her mother.  And mothers-in-law are the devil when it comes to keeping fanning the flame of discontent.

As Aristotle once said something along the lines , the worst thing about slavery is not slavery itself but when the slaves accept it and are happy with it.

Today we see men and women giving all the excuses and legitimising modern day slavery of the :Ban-Umayyads (L) .

We see men allowing their wives to enter such Un-islamic and horrid slave pits , ( the office ).

We see them happily and eagerly working for an entity that has no regard for the :Human. 

An entity that's only purpose is the bottom line , at whatever cost , be it men , women , children , the planet and all it's inhabitants.

We see my good :Shia brothers and sisters accepting this and striving towards this system which is built on a foundation of :Riba.

I understand if you have no choice and with the intention of :Taqqiya , do what is necessary to survive as this is a requirement of :Isalm .

But it's not like that anymore , my dear brothers and sisters have forgotten their true selves .

It's all about the $ , the fake status , the job , the qualifications , so you can get your prize wife .

Or you allow the wives to enter such filth , so she can feel somehow "important and busy with her life .

As being a wife or a mother is so low and un-dignifying.

You are the one who only sees black or white , right or left , east or west .

I see neither east nor west , neither black or white , not right or left.

I see infinite other options.

The option of all my wives and myself staying at home , working from home.

Setting up businesses and investments that allows money to work for you.

So you have time and money.

Money to get maids and travel 1st class when needed.

To buy organic food and have the best of all that :Allah swt has offered.

I see infinite possibilities for making an income , raising kids , and enjoy life as :Allah swt wants us.

I am proud to say that I'm a father , a husband and the future cook of my :Imam (as).

After 60 years here , I have come to the conclusion that you cannot serve 2 masters .

It's either this system or our beloved :Imam (as) .

I choose my :Imam ( as ) and so do my wives .

 

WS

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Why not marry someone from your own community?

 

That would be my first preference to marrying someone living in my city but it has been difficult to find a single & practicing Muslim here.

 

 

 

UPDATE: After more talks......this ain't the one. We are on 2 very different levels. But I will use this thread for more updates.  I feel very positive that if I keep putting forth an effort into looking around a good brother will see me and be interested.

 

Another update:  Sunday, my friend tried to introduce me to a black brother from New York (strike 1, northerners who come down south are trouble).  He was not unattractive but he did send me a picture with his shirt off and I was not impressed (I've seen better). He then asked to see a picture of me without my garb on saying that he was "in the mood to enjoy the beauty of a woman".  NOOOOOOOOOOO SIR!!!!

Edited by Night_Inshallah
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Also I do not object to staying at home under certain conditions. I told this brother that if I start having babies it would be a no brainer to be a stay at home mom do to the costs of childcare.  Both of our children are school age so while he is at work and the kids are at school it would make sense for me to do something productive, like making some money. :)

 

Plus it would also depend on his earning level.  Me and this man make the same amount of money.  If I were to not work then I would be living a very frugal lifestyle.  Now don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I am not a flashy woman. I shop at thrift stores, cut coupons, 90% of the time do my own hair to save money. But I like to look nice and I like my child to look nice.  I know of Muslim men in my community from all backgrounds who are so TIGHT with money that their wife can't even get $5.00 in discretionary money.  If heard brother proclaim that there is a fatwa out there that says they only need to provide their wife with 1 garment per season.  I'm not going to live like a pauper.


why no one is interested in our resident bro khalilallah?  :mad:

He's too far away.

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Plus it would also depend on his earning level.  Me and this man make the same amount of money.  If I were to not work then I would be living a very frugal lifestyle.  Now don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I am not a flashy woman. I shop at thrift stores, cut coupons, 90% of the time do my own hair to save money. But I like to look nice and I like my child to look nice.  I know of Muslim men in my community from all backgrounds who are so TIGHT with money that their wife can't even get $5.00 in discretionary money.  If heard brother proclaim that there is a fatwa out there that says they only need to provide their wife with 1 garment per season.  I'm not going to live like a pauper.

He's too far away.

Don't marry someone who is tight with money, there is a 100 other faults attached to this 1 fault. In fact marry someone who hates money or is generous, it takes a lot of good nature to be able to be generous.

 

Why don't you go to an Islamic Centre, and ask them to find you a husband? it is better and safer to ask a Sheikh since they are better at recognizing good  potential partners.

why no one is interested in our resident bro khalilallah?  :mad:

Thanks for looking out for me brother, pray and Inshallah I will find someone. So far I have been trying alone, my dad is coming back home in January and I am 100% sure he can find me someone.

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Why don't you go to an Islamic Centre, and ask them to find you a husband? it is better and safer to ask a Sheikh since they are better at recognizing good  potential partners.

 

:lol: I did and that was a complete let down. I was told that they didn't know any black brothers and everyone else would just use me for a greencard.  I contacted 2 shia Imam and am like sister #49 who they are trying to help find a husband.

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:lol: I did and that was a complete let down. I was told that they didn't know any black brothers and everyone else would just use me for a greencard.  I contacted 2 shia Imam and am like sister #49 who they are trying to help find a husband.

I don't think they would put you in line, even if you are #1, they would not match you with someone if they thought you weren't compatible, and they would match you with someone if you seem compatible with the person even if you are 99th sister. They also pass details onto other centres and Sheikhs.

 

Also I gotta ask, why black brothers only? Also you can ask the Sheikhs to not put you with someone who isn't a Citizen.

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Another update:  Sunday, my friend tried to introduce me to a black brother from New York (strike 1, northerners who come down south are trouble).  He was not unattractive but he did send me a picture with his shirt off and I was not impressed (I've seen better). He then asked to see a picture of me without my garb on saying that he was "in the mood to enjoy the beauty of a woman".  NOOOOOOOOOOO SIR!!!!

 

This world is crazy. Some of us find it difficult (because of how people will react) to speak the truth and say good things (e.g. forbidding the evil) - then we hear about people who may get away with doing absurd things.

Edited by Muhammed Ali
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I don't think they would put you in line, even if you are #1, they would not match you with someone if they thought you weren't compatible, and they would match you with someone if you seem compatible with the person even if you are 99th sister. They also pass details onto other centres and Sheikhs.

 

Also I gotta ask, why black brothers only? Also you can ask the Sheikhs to not put you with someone who isn't a Citizen.

 

 

I don't think they would put you in line, even if you are #1, they would not match you with someone if they thought you weren't compatible, and they would match you with someone if you seem compatible with the person even if you are 99th sister. They also pass details onto other centres and Sheikhs.

 

Also I gotta ask, why black brothers only? Also you can ask the Sheikhs to not put you with someone who isn't a Citizen.

 

I would marry a brother who is purple with red stripes but they claim they don't know any brothers who would be interested in a black sister.  And I did make it clear that I'm only interested in US citizens. 

Edited by Night_Inshallah
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Don't marry someone who is tight with money, there is a 100 other faults attached to this 1 fault. In fact marry someone who hates money or is generous, it takes a lot of good nature to be able to be generous.

 

I strongly agree with this.  Even if you will work and earn enough to support yourself, a man like this is nothing but trouble of a hundred different types.  Run from them even faster than you run from men who send the shirtless photos to women they've just met.

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Have you tried websites like singlemuslim.com or shiamatch.com?  I signed up on single muslim to see what it was like, but I never paid the membership fee because I realized I don't have the time to get married right now anyways.  But maybe soon I'll pay up.  Anyways, when I first signed up I searched "the competition," basically other guys my age.  And there were some decent folks on the site.  Plus, I think most of those websites are free for women.

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