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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Khalilallah

What Comes Before Proposal?

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What is that process called before the man proposes?

 

Where the guy just talks to the girl to see if they are compatible.

 

Also what should I take? do I take a gift with me or go empty handed? should I go with family and what if I don't want to take family?

 

Can someone please explain this stage.

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Salam brother,

I don't know what you guys use in the UK, but here in Australia we simply use the term "talking".

Example: "Are you engaged to him?" Reply would be "No, we're talking".

A gift is a must in my opinion, it shows good manners and etiquette. Some fresh sweets from a nearby pastry shop, or a nice box of chocolates.

Also, if you do decide to see her more than once, consider bringing a gift now and then, not just the first time. My husband continued buying sweets when he came, then he found out I liked gelato, so he actually started buying me that. Later on down the road that is.

Also, if there is potential, be political and buy the mother flowers later down the track (a few weeks in). If the mother is happy with you, it makes the process so much easier  -_-

 

When I told my father that a guy wanted to speak with me in regards to compatibility, my husband actually said that he'll bring his parents and my father said that there was no need to. So he came alone for a while and when we decided on engagement (the actual 'Aqd) his parents came.

However, depending on the culture and mentality of your potential in laws, this is a tricky part. They might ask your parents come the first time and then other times alone, or do what my dad did. Your best shot is actually asking the girl if you should or not. If they practice the same culture as you do, then ask your parents.

Edited by -Fatima-

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I don't know what the process is called.

 

I would take something if the situation permits.  Like if you're going to their house, I'd probably take something.  Perhaps flowers, perhaps some sort of pastries or sweets, or even chocolates.  If you're going for dinner, then I'd probably tell them ahead of time that you'll bring dessert.  

 

Going with family would be good if you think that's what your future inlaws would expect.  Maybe they want to meet your family, maybe the don't care what your family is like.  Also make sure they have room for your family at the table (if you're going for dinner).  If you're going to spend time "alone" with the girl, it might give their family something to do (talking to your family) instead of spying on you.  Also, if you trust your family's advice, they may see something in the girl that you don't see, and can advise of that later.

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Oh and might I add, that even though the parents didn't come, my father actually visited their home on his own later.

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And how should I dress?

Dress to impress, but maintain your own style. For example, if you usually wear khakis and a buttoned shirt, keep the same style, but choose your nicest looking and be sure it is neatly ironed.

If you usually dress like a slob, dress like a job interview instead of following my first advice.

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Look sharp and clean. A nice pair of (formal) pants, with a decent shirt (subtle colours no pinks, reds or purples). Slightly tone down the formal look with a mid-thigh length coat if you have one, if not, a really nice non-decorative black or grey jacket. Not only do you want to impress the girl, you want to also impress the parents. So a formal look is the safest option. Don't wear a blazer though, that's too much.

Hair and beard strike a girl at first glance, so make sure you're well groomed, nothing wrong with a little spikes if that's your style, but don't get carried away.

And you must remember perfume. Don't put too much, some men colognes are overwhelming on women. And don't use an uncle's cologne smell, the ones that smell like after shave. And don't use deodorant like Rexona or Lynx as a substitute. CK has some nice subtle yet noticeable scents, or if you want to buy a cologne, buy Versace Eros (perfect scent), the Prophet loved perfumes, and it's the one thing that you're allowed to spend on.

I may seem creepy with my advice, but women pick out a single fault in a guy.

Edited by -Fatima-

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Dress to impress, but maintain your own style. For example, if you usually wear khakis and a buttoned shirt, keep the same style, but choose your nicest looking and be sure it is neatly ironed.

If you usually dress like a slob, dress like a job interview instead of following my first advice.

No I don't dress like a slob, usual jeans and shirts or t-shirts is my style. So you mean I should dress as smart casual. I have Khakis but they have pockets at knee side.

 

Look sharp and clean. A nice pair of (formal) pants, with a decent shirt (subtle colours no pinks, reds or purples). Slightly tone down the formal look with a mid-thigh length coat if you have one, if not, a really nice non-decorative black or grey jacket. Not only do you want to impress the girl, you want to also impress the parents. So a formal look is the safest option. Don't wear a blazer though, that's too much.

Hair and beard strike a girl at first glance, so make sure you're well groomed, nothing wrong with a little spikes if that's your style, but don't get carried away.

And you must remember perfume. Don't put too much, some men colognes are overwhelming on women. And don't use an uncle's cologne smell, the ones that smell like after shave. And don't use deodorant like Rexona or Lynx as a substitute. CK has some nice subtle yet noticeable scents, or if you want to buy a cologne, buy Versace Eros (perfect scent), the Prophet loved perfumes, and it's the one thing that you're allowed to spend on.

I may seem creepy with my advice, but women pick out a single fault in a guy.

By formal pants do you mean pants men wear with suits? I have mid length black coat. what about short sleeve shirts?

 

Hair is combed backwards, classic look, beard is size 1 but chin beard is a little longer. I had CK but it ran out gonna buy some more. 

Edited by Khalilallah

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Brother, look at what they do in their culture. If you follow the advise of people who are not familiar with the culture, then you could get things very wrong in the eyes of the family. Some of the advise given above may be completely unsuitable in certain cultures.

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Brother, look at what they do in their culture. If you follow the advise of people who are not familiar with the culture, then you could get things very wrong in the eyes of the family. Some of the advise given above may be completely unsuitable in certain cultures.

No they are good advice, the family isn't eastern. So what those sisters are telling me actually applies thanks for you concerns, have you got any heads up advice for me?

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I dunno about cologne/perfume advice... a lot of people nowadays have scent allergies, so if anyone in her family does, a strong scent wouldn't be ideal.

 

And I agree with what Muhammed Ali said.

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Yes, those. If you do choose to go with the semi-formal look you can't wear short sleeve shirts. However you can roll up the sleeves of your shirt there and then.

In my opinion wearing a short sleeve shirt isn't first time appropriate, you can start wearing short sleeves after the first meeting. Judging a book by it's cover unfortunately exists. So they might base an opinion about you simply on how you dress, short sleeve may have the parents feel that you look "young" and this could affect if you look ready or mature, while a shirt may have them feel that you look "age appropriate or mature".

 

But in the end, it's what you're comfortable with brother. Plus, if they're God fearing people, your Akhlaaq and Religion should suffice ^_^

I dunno about cologne/perfume advice... a lot of people nowadays have scent allergies, so if anyone in her family does, a strong scent wouldn't be ideal.

 

My advice was to wear something subtle and not to apply too much cologne if you read what I said carefully, but you're right, people do have allergies nowadays.

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You can't go wrong with something between "professional" and "business casual". You want to be comfortable, but look smart.

Jeans and a nice shirt might be ok, but it wouldn't hurt to take it up a notch.

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My advice was to wear something subtle and not to apply too much cologne if you read what I said carefully, but you're right, people do have allergies nowadays.

 

Yes, but "subtle yet noticeable" is still too much in some cases.  

 

I don't have an allergy myself, but I've noticed some schools and workplaces say they try to be scent-free, so it is becoming an issue in society... and in case the girl has a family member with the issue (or the girl herself), I think it's better to play it safe at first anyway.

 

It's also easy for too much to be applied, so personally, I think it's better to just use deodorant/anti-perspirant (also, health-wise, it's worth paying extra to get an aluminum-free kind).

You can't go wrong with something between "professional" and "business casual". You want to be comfortable, but look smart.

Jeans and a nice shirt might be ok, but it wouldn't hurt to take it up a notch.

 

I agree... for a shirt, I think it would be better to wear one with that has some kind of collar.

 

But not a "popped-collar" hopefully  :lol:   You fortunately don't seem like that kind of guy though :)

Edited by Bright

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What usually comes up is money.

 

When I am asked what I do, I reply I am a student and I am asked if I can provide for my wife.

 

So shelter is provided by parents if she wants to move in. what remains is food and clothing and healthcare which I can provide for. Will this be sufficient?

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Well, they're going to want to know your long-term plans, and that may be an issue based on what you've written in the past.

 

As people wrote in that other thread, you might have to change those plans if you want to get married sooner... because if a full-time job is like 8+ years away, I think a lot of parents would have some concern about it.

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I agree... for a shirt, I think it would be better to wear one with that has some kind of collar.

 

But not a "popped-collar" hopefully  :lol:   You fortunately don't seem like that kind of guy though :)

Lol, I need to go buy some new shirts, I recently did my shopping but I only got short sleeve shirts.

 

So is Khakis with a polo shirt and jumper and a medium length black coat ok?

 

Should I wear shoes?

Well, they're going to want to know your long-term plans, and that may be an issue based on what you've written in the past.

 

As people wrote in that other thread, you might have to change those plans if you want to get married sooner... because if a full-time job is like 8+ years away, I think a lot of parents would have some concern about it.

Its not like I will leave her with a Camel in a desert. I will only be with my parents for 2 more years then I will have my own place, Even if a full time job is 10 years away I will be providing for her what ever she needs, so why is this a problem?

 

Also those flowers I take for the mother, they can't be red roses, so white flowers I am guessing?

Edited by Khalilallah

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Lol, I need to go buy some new shirts, I recently did my shopping but I only for short sleeve shirts.

 

So is Khakis with a polo shirt and jumper and a medium length black coat ok?

 

Should I wear shoes?

 
I think khakis are good, but I would avoid ones that have pockets ("cargo pants").  A polo shirt might be good enough, but I think a long-sleeve dress shirt would be better.  I'm guessing you could find probably find one for 10 Pounds or less...  Maybe there are stores or web sites with nice shirts on clearance?
 
I don't know about shoes... do people in the UK wear shoes inside the house?   But the shoes you wear to the house/doorstep should go along with the rest of the outfit.
 
 

Its not like I will leave her with a Camel in a desert. Even if a full time job is 10 years away I will be providing for her what ever she needs, so why is this a problem?

 

In my view, if a guy is hard-working and intelligent (regarding this issue, leaving aside other compatibility factors), then that's good enough because a lot of good things flow out of those 2 qualities.  

 

But I'm just saying as a factual statement, I think a lot of parents want a clear path to a middle-class (or upper-class) lifestyle for their daughter.

 

I think that's why you see in other threads, people mention issues due to parents looking for a groom who is a doctor or engineer (or on that track), or some other high-salary job. 

 

To some extent though, I think parents who have lived in a Western country for a long time won't care as much about that... they more so would want someone who will treat their daughter well.  But my guess is that it will be an issue in at least some cases, so it would be better to think ahead of time about how to address any of those concerns.

Edited by Bright

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Alas I can only be myself, she can take it or leave it.

 

 

 
 
I think khakis are good, but I would avoid ones that have pockets ("cargo pants").  A polo shirt might be good enough, but I think a long-sleeve dress shirt would be better.  I'm guessing you could find probably find one for 10 Pounds or less...  Maybe there are stores or web sites with nice shirts on clearance?
 
I don't know about shoes... do people in the UK wear shoes inside the house?   But the shoes you wear to the house/doorstep should go along with the rest of the outfit.
 

 

they are black leather shoes, and only probably goes with black trousers. I have cargo pants lol, should I avoid them?

 

Why are Cargo pants so bad? I love them!

 

So Khaki colour long boots, with cargo pants, a polo or shirt and a sleeveless v neck jumper. sound ok? then I have my black coat on top which I take off once inside.


I do not think clothing matters that much.

Edited by Khalilallah

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I dunno, I would really avoid cargo pants. I mean ironically, they tend to be more expensive than regular khakis, because it takes more fabric and work to add the additional pockets.

 

But because their original design/usage was for labour-type jobs, I think they're seen as much more casual.  

 

I don't know about long boots either... I think the black shoes you mentioned would be better, but a family member could give you better advice about that, since they know what the shoes/boots look like.

 

Otherwise, the outfit sounds good.   Is the sleeveless v-neck jumper a knit sweater?  Those have a connotation of sophistication, I think.

 

But a long-sleeve collared shirt underneath is better for that.  A place like H&M probably has some low-price ones (I don't know about other affordable European chains, except Primark... but I don't know how their quality is).  

Edited by Bright

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I remember driving the long driveway to the nursing home , to meet my wife no.3 , I was so nervous.

But I had to look good and wear bright colours as she couldn't see properly.

I remember her sitting in the wheelchair , with nice pink fluffy gown .

She just kept staring at me then I realised that she just had her meds and was not all there.

When she did finally come around , we had a nice chat , though I had to yell as her hearing is not the best.

We went for a walk together , but first she had to visit the bathroom.

I heard she had a weakness for chocolates , so I took a box of the best chocolates , unfortunately the nurse said her blood sugar level was very high so she couldn't have any. 

I remember getting down on my knees to propose to her because she passed out on the floor from having to many chocolates.

Enjoy these early moments bro , as you will be talking one day to your grandkids and some random bros and sis on SC about it .

Edited by :Sami II

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I remember driving the long driveway to the nursing home , to meet my wife no.3 , I was so nervous.

But I had to look good and wear bright colours as she couldn't see properly.

I remember her sitting in the wheelchair , with nice pink fluffy gown .

She just kept staring at me then I realised that she just had her meds and was not all there.

When she did finally come around , we had a nice chat , though I had to yell as her hearing is not the best.

We went for a walk together , but first she had to visit the bathroom.

I heard she had a weakness for chocolates , so I took a box of the best chocolates , unfortunately the nurse said her blood sugar level was very high so she couldn't have any. 

I remember getting down on my knees to propose to her because she passed out on the floor from having to many chocolates.

Enjoy these early moments bro , as you will be talking one day to your grandkids and some random bros and sis on SC about it .

:LOL:

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