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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Khalilallah

Marriage Because Of Sex

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Sisters are free to join in, I posted this here because it may not be suitable, due to its explicit nature, in the family and social forums.

 

I know there is nothing wrong if a man marries because of his basic need for sex.

 

I still cannot see this from a girl's point of view. There will obviously be problems if you choose a spouse simply because she looks good and I know spouse selection and marriage is much more than that.

 

This thread is about why Men/Women see it as deviant for a person to enter a marriage because of his sexual needs? 

 

Often I see people advising young men that they should not marry because of sex but what I think they fail to realise is that sex and lust is what motivates men to get married, you could act all sisterly on me about this point but those natural desires are there for a reason and purpose, so I do not think buying groceries is the main reason why men get married, I think lust is what drives men to marry.

 

Also please don't misread this, when I say sex is what drives men I am not saying that is the only motivation but it is one of the many reasons why men get married.

 

So what is wrong with marrying to fulfil one's needs? I keep hearing people discouraging other people away from marriage because of many reasons like money and "marriage is more than lust". No wonder why people are not marrying early.

 

Being a young man trying to marry today is like pushing through several walls of discouragement from everyone, I wonder how many other young men are wanting marriage but their efforts are in vain because people simply don't understand what 'enjoining good' is.

 

Also if you could list a few other reasons/motivations for why men get married other than sex would be helpful.

Edited by Khalilallah

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This problem is a relatively new development in Islamic history.

A lot of it has to do with culture. In countries that were colonized by the British, the missionaries did their best to instill this Satanic idea that sexuality is a bad thing, and the people bought it. For instance, my people authored the Karma Sutra, and we used to view sex as one of the highest forms of worship, but now...you'd be lucky not to be called a degenerate if you bring up the topic of sex. 

 

Arnold J. Toynbee said that when the elite become vulgarized, that civilization is on its way out. This implies that the elite have an immense effect on the social norms of a society. In the Indian subcontinent--India, Pakistan and Bangladesh--the British colonialists got to work by setting up their own schools, whose syllabus was far more advanced than those of the religious institutions. These missionary schools soon became the place where the local elite would send their children.

Now what happens when you attend a school run by Catholic NUNS and Catholic Priests? Twelve years into such an education system, and you'd have created an entire generation of cold and hard--yet "proper"--individuals. They had come to believe that celibacy was far cleaner than a healthy conjugal life with their spouse.

 

These individuals, the elite, would go on to shape the society's view on such topics. My own mother attended a missionary school, and she still frowns upon the topic of marriage being discussed. There are many among the elite who actually admire Prophet Jesus more than the Prophet Muhammad(phun&hf)! That's how much damage these missionary schools did to the Muslims. So of course, you're gonna have people who view the idea of marrying for sex as filthy. They've been subconsciously indoctrinated into believing this. The Indian subcontinent and the Arab world suffered the most on account of this.

 

Sex is--and should be--one of the main reasons behind marriage. A healthy sexual life is important for two people to be able to live well together. In the Eastern Wisdom traditions, sexual intercourse is believed to release the essential energy to sustain the entire cosmos. By partaking in this act, we become more in-tune with our primordial self, i.e. closer to our origin--God. It is seen as one of the most powerful ways to become more human, not more animal-like.

 

If only our parents would take the time to read quality literature on the subject. They've turned themselves into "classical Westerners in Eastern bodies."

I hope this helped :)

 

Salam.

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Salams,

If you want to look at reasons why people marry other than sex, then secular societies are a good start because many people in those societies dont hold the view that it is wrong to have sexual relationships outside of marriage, so they dont marry to be abe to have sex. I see you are from the UK, which is a good example to use. There is little social pressure in the UK to marry or stay in long term relationships, so unless there was something intrinsic of value about a long term and committed relationships there wouldnt be the majority of nominally or non-religious people seeking them out. I see people enter into long term relationships and commitment with others because of love and the stability it brings to there lives. Its basically a psychologically (and therefore physically) healthier situation for for most people, not to mention being healthier for the raising of children.

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You missed the point slightly at the end,  you started well and went of topic near the end of your paragraph. I know love and stability from long term marriages, I never said anything about short term relationships, was asking about why people look down on lust so much.

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was asking about why people look down on lust so much.

 

It's looked down upon because there are slimeballs out there who simply want to sleep around with as many women as possible.

 

Even if they have an opportunity to be with 1 high quality woman consistently (whether for marriage, or just long-term in the case of non-Muslims), they would rather sleep around and make a game of it.  I think some of them are frankly sociopaths/psychopaths, because they know they hurt the women, but they still do it (of course, there are also some equivalent types like that among women, but not as many, I think).

 

 

That's doesn't relate to you obviously, because you've made it clear you just want a companion, but I just wanted to answer the question.

 
 
And I think the reality is that if people think lust is the main reason for a guy's interest in a girl, there can be concern that he may be like the guys mentioned above.
 
Looks also fade, so a match should be based on more substantive issues, like personalities fitting together well.
Edited by Bright

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1. It is part of our lower nature.

2. Media and non-Muslims put way too much emphasis on sexuality, so there is a backlash.

You can have marriage without lust, but it is likely to be unsatisfying. There are other qualities that you just can't have a marriage without, such as trust, respect, compassion, integrity.

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"Marry for sex"? You're sick. :p Men marry to happily embrace bankruptcy. To get nagged till their hair drop off and they are stricken with a lot of long term diseases other than the wife. We marry only because we hate to have money in our pockets and just love to feed groceries and buy shoes and pay the bills and build new houses and all. God made man for that purpose alone. Admit it. We love it. Sex is filthy. It is shameful. Why do you even mention it on a social forum.

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You can want to marry to satisfy your carnal urges all you want, it still wouldn't change what a marriage really is, which is a heck of a lot more than just sex.  This is why it is rather foolish to choose one's spouse strictly or even primarily based on just how sexually attracted you are to her.  Companionship, compatibility, commitment, sacrifice, patience, trust and sexual compatibility are all bedrocks of most successful long term marriages.  There is nothing wrong with lust, except that it makes one suspend their judgement, which can work to their detriment in the long run, and this is what a lot of people tend to caution against, especially when it comes to lifelong commitments.

So I guess people are meaning what you mean except they say it in the wrong way, rather than cautioning against lust because of its bad effects they make the whole thing sound deviant.

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Bismillah.

 

Salaam friend.

 

"Sex" is a holy instinct granted in human nature by his Wise Lord. This instinct is considered as the most powerful instinct through which we can get close to Allah (s); we only have to use this power religiously and we have to admit that sex is one of the most - and maybe the most - powerful reason for getting married. Of course there are other reasons like taking comfort in spouse (the Qur'an 30:21) in different dimensions (physically and mentally) but all those comforts can be easily accessible through this holy instinct. Shortly, through this particular instinct we can reach to perfection and salvation.

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

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I don't think any of the sisters would disagree with you (based on my understanding of your somewhat scattered thoughts, that is). The way I see it, and like other members mentioned, sex is one of the factors. There are others. Balance is key: don't turn sex (within the bounds of Sharia) into a taboo, but don't give it more importance over other, more/equally important things, in the case of a marriage those things being compatibility and piety, for example. And I say this without limiting it to either gender. I will not go into an argument of which one of them it is a more important factor for; the fact remains that both sides view it in significant terms.

 

As for the 'why', I guess you can add it to all those other questions, like Why do people have unIslamic weddings and Why is money so high on the list of spouse requirements.

Edited by l'Optimiste

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Balance is key: don't turn sex (within the bounds of Sharia) into a taboo, but don't give it more importance over other, more/equally important things, in the case of a marriage those things being compatibility and piety, for example.

 

Is it just me or are those words beyond the grasp of my limited understanding?

 

What is this compatibility which you speak of? And how come piety becomes a "more/equally important thing" when its not of any concern, beyond a certain limit of course, to your partner? Like do I care if my other half is offering prayers regularly at night? Am I going to get up and check on her and feel pleased? Being sexually starved, being ignored, being constantly under assault as if I'm a goddamn safe or a vault, no, I don't care even if she is muslim anymore or not. I did not marry her looking for her piety or whatever else she uses to try to deceive God nor the quantity of it. What a person should care about instead is how your partner is treating you.

 

Anyway what do you mean by "compatibility"? And how can it be increased? Can it even be increased? You should start a marriage counseling business and divorce should become obsolete if compatibility, as I understand the word, can be increased as a result of efforts by one of the two spouses. I guess you will recommend men take out their wives to expensive restaurants and buy them shiny junk to "increase compatibility"? As if she'll remember it till the next week. In this age of gender equality, tell me, why doesn't she also ever attempt to increase compatibility? Get out and change the tire. Or mow the lawn. Or in fact, simply do her God intended set of jobs? I would be perfectly compatible, nay, I would start worshiping her like Gandhi on his kness in a shiva lingha temple if, good heavens, she provides me with things like daily meals, meals on time, mercy for my little kids, respect for my parents and siblings and all those basic expectations.

 

So forgive me and nothing personal but your post contains nothing but bovine excrement. Sex is very important. It is like food. Some humans have little need of it, others have a lot more need of it. It is also one of the reasons why polygamy is allowed in Islam.

Edited by Darth Vader

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Is it just me or are those words beyond the grasp of my limited understanding?

 

What is this compatibility which you speak of? And how come piety becomes a "more/equally important thing" when its not of any concern, beyond a certain limit of course, to your partner? Like do I care if my other half is offering prayers regularly at night? Am I going to get up and check on her and feel pleased? Being sexually starved, being ignored, being constantly under assault as if I'm a goddamn safe or a vault, no, I don't care even if she is muslim anymore or not. I did not marry her looking for her piety or whatever else she uses to try to deceive God nor the quantity of it. What a person should care about instead is how your partner is treating you.

I wasn't downplaying the importance of sex. I was expressing an opinion so far as the priority of personal requirements go (which is why I put piety/compatibility as examples). To me, piety does include treating our partner right - in terms of the topic of this thread, and otherwise. The reason I think a combination of piety and compatibility supersedes sex is because tomorrow, the (possible) product of the latter will essentially require the former. Again, the two are not mutually exclusive.

 

 

Anyway what do you mean by "compatibility"? And how can it be increased? Can it even be increased? You should start a marriage counseling business and divorce should become obsolete if compatibility, as I understand the word, can be increased as a result of efforts by one of the two spouses. 

Compatibility may be defined differently by everyone. I suppose two people who fulfill each others' basic, customized requirements are compatible; this could factor in similar beliefs/values/mindsets as well as chemistry.

 

As for increasing compatibility, that's neither here nor there. I suppose it's like making jewelry with a set of fixed beads; you can create a number of varieties, but there's only so many possible combinations.

 

Then again, I'm hardly the expert in either relationships or jewelry making.

 

I guess you will recommend men take out their wives to expensive restaurants and buy them shiny junk to "increase compatibility"? As if she'll remember it till the next week. In this age of gender equality, tell me, why doesn't she also ever attempt to increase compatibility? Get out and change the tire. Or mow the lawn. Or in fact, simply do her God intended set of jobs? I would be perfectly compatible, nay, I would start worshiping her like Gandhi on his kness in a shiva lingha temple if, good heavens, she provides me with things like daily meals, meals on time, mercy for my little kids, respect for my parents and siblings and all those basic expectations.

Do you realize you just had an imaginary conversation with me there?^

 

I suspect the emboldened part of your above monologue has little to do with me.

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You can want to marry to satisfy your carnal urges all you want, it still wouldn't change what a marriage really is, which is a heck of a lot more than just sex.  This is why it is rather foolish to choose one's spouse strictly or even primarily based on just how sexually attracted you are to her.  Companionship, compatibility, commitment, sacrifice, patience, trust and sexual compatibility are all bedrocks of most successful long term marriages.  There is nothing wrong with lust, except that it makes one suspend their judgement, which can work to their detriment in the long run, and this is what a lot of people tend to caution against, especially when it comes to lifelong commitments.

 

So how exactly does a young, lustful Muslim lad quench his desire? Clearly marriage isn't a solution if it's to be taken seriously. That's a problem with religion in general.

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So how exactly does a young, lustful Muslim lad quench his desire? Clearly marriage isn't a solution if it's to be taken seriously. That's a problem with religion in general.

Through sex, sex within marriage.

 

Just because your culture makes it difficult to marry at a young age does not mean Islam is bad, your culture is bad and the irreligious people who make marriage harder are doing a bad thing.

 

Clearly marriage is a solution for believers, but you are not one of us. So you have blamed your problems onto religion.

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