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Al-Khattati

Some Tips On Dealing With Difficult Marriages

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This is very helpful, I am glad you wrote this and your timing for me could not have been any better!

 

So what I got from that was:

 

- Be nice to those who are rude to you

- Have no pride, be humble

- repeat good acts so that they may internalise and become virtues, avoid evil acts.

- Marriage is about 2 different people dealing with one another and fixing each others vices.

- The aim of Marriage should be to learn from the experience rather than seek happiness.

 

So basically it is 2 sides of both different extremes working against each other to bring both sides in the virtuous middle. Men and Women are opposites, both working together to bring both in the middle, a check and balance.

 

Thanks brother, This saved my future marriage.

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Bismillahirahmanirahim.
 
Brothers & Sisters
 
(salam)
 
This is the kind of post i've been waiting for, another side, just to just the scale. I was afraid to start such thread because the cultural differences with majority of SC crowds. I'd like to share a piece of happy marriage.
 
I'm married for 7 years now... erh... yes 7 years. Allah SWT. blessed and entrusted me with 2 daughters, 6 yo and 4 yo. Here are my tips:
 
1. Deal with problem swiftly. Problem could means anything, such, household problem, financial problem, kids education problem, in-laws problem, parents problem, health problem.
 
a) First thing and the most important, when you're facing a problem, just do it between you and your husband/wife. don't bring outsider. This is YOUR marriage not their.
 
B) Secondly: don't share your problem with other, because you will make other assuming your marriage. ie," she's always having this money issue, does his husband doesnt support her?" or "He always have this money problem, does his wife spend all of her money?". So it's like adding fuel to fire. When you caught in fire you didnt start, you'll get choke by the smoke. and remember, you're the one who going to share the bed by the end of the day.
 
c) Categorise and separate the problem. Is this problem only between you two, or you two with family, or you two with the society, or you two with the kids, or you two with household items. What happen mostly, between couples and in-laws, but the outcome is the couple is fighting each other, when analysed further it turned out someone whispered to someone ear and adding some previous un-settle conflict, before we know it, it's full scale war. secondly, separate the problem. If this is concerning the meals, don't mix it up with up problem with cleaning the house. If this is concerning your kids not having good mark at school, don't mix it up with problem about who should pick up the kids. 
 
d) Don't sleep on it. Solve the problem quickly, don't drag-on for days even weeks. It's like you putting time-bomb. by the end of month, if you're not settle the problem, the time-bomb already inside a snow ball. When it explode, it'll be a mess. 
 
e) Get to the bottom of the problem. Most of the time, the issue is simple, such, you missed him/her but too shy to say it. Rather you say," I miss you, i havent have enough talk with you, so lets sit and talk" you'd say," why you spend so much time with your friend/toys/family/work/internet/etc, am i not good enough for you!? do you hate me?!" ... Sometime people a bit funny when expressing them-self. So, drop-down the facade, tone-down your voice and say it. Like Khalilallah said, too Proud.
 
f) Dont see problem or arguing or quarrel in negative way. The aim of fighting is to know each other. How your couple handle stress. Where your partner fails, you cover for it. Sometime, now this is just me, i'll start an argument, just to lighten up the house and to keep everything in check. Because for me, it's good to have practice, it'll helps when BIG PROBLEM show up. Also, to eliminate small "crack" that usually unseen.
 
2. Respect... Respect... and lots of Respect.  He's a human and She's a human, human have needs. Like talking, to be praised, to feel that he/she is needed... and also other biological needs, like eating, cleanliness, go to toilet, sleeping... then also needs that can only be obtained through Nikah. Talk, talk like how you want to be talk back to. Respect like the way you wanted to be respected. If She/He exhausted from household duty, help her/him out, it's your house, it's your family.
 
I pray to Allah SWT. to always be in our life and protects us from evil.
 
(wasalam)

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This is very helpful, I am glad you wrote this and your timing for me could not have been any better!

 

So what I got from that was:

 

- Be nice to those who are rude to you

- Have no pride, be humble

- repeat good acts so that they may internalise and become virtues, avoid evil acts.

- Marriage is about 2 different people dealing with one another and fixing each others vices.

- The aim of Marriage should be to learn from the experience rather than seek happiness.

 

So basically it is 2 sides of both different extremes working against each other to bring both sides in the virtuous middle. Men and Women are opposites, both working together to bring both in the middle, a check and balance.

 

Thanks brother, This saved my future marriage.

 

I would add to this list that the aim of marriage is to learn wisdom, patience and grow as a humble servant of God. This means that you can forgive someone without them saying sorry.

 

e) Get to the bottom of the problem. Most of the time, the issue is simple, such, you missed him/her but too shy to say it. Rather you say," I miss you, i havent have enough talk with you, so lets sit and talk" you'd say," why you spend so much time with your friend/toys/family/work/internet/etc, am i not good enough for you!? do you hate me?!" ... Sometime people a bit funny when expressing them-self. So, drop-down the facade, tone-down your voice and say it. Like Khalilallah said, too Proud.

 

f) Dont see problem or arguing or quarrel in negative way. The aim of fighting is to know each other. How your couple handle stress. Where your partner fails, you cover for it. Sometime, now this is just me, i'll start an argument, just to lighten up the house and to keep everything in check. Because for me, it's good to have practice, it'll helps when BIG PROBLEM show up. Also, to eliminate small "crack" that usually unseen.

 

 

 

(wasalam)

 

I will add this, some problems will never be solved and constantly going back to them will only make worse. If you see you can live with it and something is just too deep for the person to change in, you need to move on and forget about the problem. That's one key in marriage, learning that some things won't change and learning to deal with it.

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Some Tips on Dealing with Difficult Marriages #2

 

The following is my second set of tips on how to deal with difficult spouses and save one's marriage. Unlike the first one, these follow-up posts will be much shorter and to the point insha'Allah. Insha'Allah I will try to do this regularly.

 

---

 

Bismillah

 

Bitterness and anger are poisons for the heart and for most people who have to deal with bitter spouses, it is very difficult if not nearly impossible to be remain unhinged. This is because the words that come out of a bitter person are not random but are purposefully designed to sting and it stings because it hits at the center of the target person's soul. Bitterness often begets an equal, if not greater form of bitterness and hence begins a vicious cycle to hell. In times like these, upholding humility, compassion and a proper calm composure is a difficult task that requires tremendous mental practice.

 

Our memories shape the sum of who we are. If I am not mistaken, it was Alexander Smith who said that a "man's real possession is his memory, in nothing else is he rich, in nothing else is he poor." It is our childhood memories that shape so much of who we are today and it will be our memories that will be made manifest to us on the Day of Judgment. Simply put, we are our memories.

 

For many us, our memories are nightmares. They are what keep us awake at nights, what make us bitter, depressed and anxious about all of the hellish aspects of life. Just like our memories can be nightmares, they can also be very useful. Our memories play a critical role in how we deal with stressful situations, including tense moments with spouses. 

 

If it is difficult to keep your humility in check and find compassion for a spouse who in the present moment is breaking your soul into pieces with their bitter tongue, do not  react immediately. Chances are that if you react immediately, it will not be your God-given spirit that will be doing the talking, but your pride and ego. Human pride and ego is at the root of all evil, at the root of why Iblis or the Devil fell from grace and why there is such a thing as hell to begin with. By allowing your pride to take over your mind and hence the current argument, you will be opening up the gates of hell in your home and let Satan sit on the throne of your heart where he will take control of your imagination and bodily movements.

 

What we want to do is have the gates of heaven opened. The gates of heaven are opened with compassion (rahma), forgiveness, and tranquility of the heart (itminan al-qalb). This is where memories can help us wretched slaves. When your spouse is rude, bitter and says very hurtful things, take a few seconds of silence and remember the good and loving memories you have of this person. Those memories of laughter, kindness and love. For many people, this will help mitigate negative reactions and instead help one react with compassion and calm assertive energy.

 

I understand that our minds can be too clouded with the poison that is born in our hearts in tense moments like these and remembering the good loving times might be difficult, or you might simply not care about them because of the level of hurt and anger that you are experiencing. Yeshua son of Sirach in the Bible said "an hour's misery makes one forget past delights" (Sirach, 11:27)  This is why it is recommended that you temporarily engage in an activity that you take joy in before reacting if you see the "good relationship memories" are not working. This is not any activity as distractions simply distract you from your anger and does not get rid of it. By activity I mean some form of spiritual activity that will give strength to your spiritual side and chase away the demonic forces from within. These differ from person to person, it can be prayers, speaking to spiritual mentors who usually calm you down (or good friends), listening to a spiritually moving lecture, reading  (or listening) something of deep religious value to you, or even calling the relatives of your spouse and ask how they are doing (do not speak about your marriage problems with them! just ask how they are doing and talk about things unrelated to your current problems! for some reason this usually helps with tension). The purpose of this is to calm you down and let the poison leave your mind through which you can properly remember the beautiful times you shared with your spouse and hopefully bring out your inner compassion towards them and deal with them within this state and not a state of pride and hatred where Shaytan controls your being. This will help remind you that your spouse is not some demon from outerspace, but a good person who is broken and having a rough time (see post #1 for this.)

 

In this way, not only will your troublesome spouse help you grow in patience, wisdom and help you maintain inner peace in stressful situations, but your new stronger self will also help your broken spouse become a better person as well. We do not learn and grow from states of ease and comfort, but from problems. Problems are our best teachers in life.

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Ahsant. Beautiful beautiful advice. 

 

I'd like to add to this something, bits of which I wrote to a sister in distress in another thread here. 

 

Grown men are very different from boys that are just much older, in that they have a clear understanding of what their expectation is from a life partner, what they wish to accomplish in the long term, and of course, what there is absolutely no room for in their prospective family. Their approach to everything comes from a concrete life plan — whether that plan is for this life, the Hereafter, or for both.

 

I feel that women need to consciously determine what this life plan is, and how they can contribute to it within the boundaries of Islam (and without compromising on their own physical, mental, and spiritual health).

 

Equally important are the rights that Allah expects both to fulfill within the parameters of marriage. Is one falling short, and if yes, then why, and how can it be worked out together? The Ahl ul-Bayt; Ethical Role Models is an excellent resource on matrimonial rights and responsibilities, and can be found on Maaref Foundation’s website, under the Library tab (Library > Ethics > first book on the left).

 

One thing to also bear in mind is with respect to parents (on the woman's side) — that even the slightest discomfort on the daughter's part will leave them at their wit’s end because they expect the same level of love, respect, attention, and lifestyle from the husband as they would have provided for her before him.

 

But what they may not understand (and certainly not for lack of trying), are the sacrifices and compromises that you may have made for the sake of your marriage, moments of both love and of mutual kindness, or even even the intimacy that you share with your husband under the blessed protection of this sacred union.

 

Please forgive any lapse. I hope and pray that Allah continues to guide us in this journey towards a better Hereafter.

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After reading this, it all seems clear now.  It is actually super clear to me. 

 

So marriage is less a goal resulting from love or passion for an individual, but rather just a mechanism to build one's individual character?  And instead of going it alone, a better situation is to find a fellow "suffering and struggling" buddy basically.  That's really the most accurate description of a spouse I've really thought of.

 

So the seeking of primary, immediate, and continuous happiness, desire, fun, etc is really just a delusional con game, and leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.  That was never supposed to be the focus.

 

And I can see now why so many relationships end in failure, because nobody has grasped the above idea.  I've never had more clarity than reading the above.  Nice read, thanks. 

 

Even though I understand it now, its of no practical benefit to me.  But knowledge is better than ignorance I suppose. 

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