Vaginismus Ruining My Life And Relationship

[iltemas-e-dua]

Assalam o alaikum

I am writing about my problem in the hope that i will get some help as i think this is making me mentally sick and is becoming a strain on my marriage.

I know this is a sisters forum and it is probably the most appropriate place to mention this, but if any guy does happen to read this, then i would appreciate their input as it may help me from a males point of view

I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years my husband is in his mid 30's and i am just getting into my late 20's and are both virgins.

We both tried to consummate the marriage many times times over many months but it became impossible to do so for me because of the pain. We both just thought it was because i was extremely nervous and maybe I was just unable to take the pain. Anyway i had to go and see a gynaecologist for a separate reason and i brought up this issue and to cut a long story short she told me i had a condition called Vaginismus. Below is just a brief description of what this condition is:

Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. The tightness is actually caused by involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. The woman does not directly control or 'will' the tightness to occur; it is an involuntary pelvic response. She may not even have any awareness that the muscle response is causing the tightness or penetration problem.

In some cases vaginismus tightness may begin to cause burning, pain, or stinging during intercourse. In other cases, penetration may be difficult or completely impossible. Vaginismus is the main cause of unconsummated relationships. The tightness can be so restrictive that the opening to the vagina is 'closed off' altogether and the man is unable to insert his penis. The pain of vaginismus ends when the sexual attempt stops, and usually intercourse must be halted due to pain or discomfort.

Now my husband is a very nice man, alhamdulillah i am very lucky to have such a husband. He is religious and puts Allah before everything and is very god conscious when taking any decisions in his life.

Nonetheless maybe the temptation got the best of him and about 8months ago i caught him messaging a woman flirtatiously and on confrontation he said it was with the intention of muta (and he his this from me because he didn't want to hurt me). It killed me and i broke down, he apologised for hurting me. I did understand what he was going through and didn't want to blame him for my incapabilities and I forgave him although i could not forget the messages in my head and thinking about them even now hurts me deeply.

However a couple of months later he spoke to her again. This time i noticed it the first time he messaged her after the last incident (as some devices were linked and it came up as they were texting) and i confronted him and once again i broke down more. He apologised again and promised me he will never do this again. I know it seems he is a horrible person but i know he is not. He has never been the kind of person who flirts and is a very shy person and would never think about hurting me. This is just the result of me being unable to satisfy him sexually, which i do understand.

I asked him if he wanted to be with me, as i would be willing to leave him as i do not want him to suffer with my problems as its not fair. He said this is not the case and he loves me and wants me to be in his life. He said he was looking for mutaa as he is unable to resist and for him sex was just sex and it wouldn't mean anything other than this, which is not something i accept. He says he still wants to have a family and kids with me and would be willing to go through anything to make this happen. He said he thought of doing mutaa as he believes its a right given to him by Allah. I told him i could not accept this (not because i neglect Allah but because i always believed in a one woman faithful man for myself) and could not bring myself to watch my husband sleep with another woman and then come home to me. I told him that i would not be with him if he ever went and conducted mutaa or a second marriage because of his temptations. We both have different views on this and we have just both agreed to disagree on this. This hurts me because i think we should deal with this together as this is not something i have done to myself and is therefore not my fault. I know he has the right to do mutaa but it hurts me that he considered sleeping with someone else and still says he wants to have a family with me only. It makes me angry thinking that he wants everything, he wants to satisfy himself, have a family with me and for me to be happy about this, which i cannot be.

Recently we have been very open about this problem, which we never were before and now both of us understand how each of us feel. We both respect each others feelings even though we both differ on the solutions. He still feels he has the right to do mutaa under these circumstances. However he has committed he will not do this as he realises how much it will hurt me and his intentions were never to hurt me, all he wanted was just wanted his temptations to go away. I believe his commitment is genuine and he will not be unfaithful and will only conduct a mutaa if i agree.

I have been going through such an emotional turmoil recently and i keep breaking down into tears. I am feeling so alone as i have not told my family or friends about these problems either. I love my husband and i know he loves me and would do anything for me which includes him now being patient and not letting his temptations to take over. I feel like i am oppressing him and making him suffer because of my own problems. I feel like i have ruined his life. i have tried to convince myself to allow him to conduct a mutaa but i cannot allow myself to do this and then i feel selfish and feel like a horrible wife. I keep thinking maybe he is right and he has the right bestowed to him by Allah to do mutaa and i am stopping him, but then i think he is not the only one suffering as i am suffering too and why cant we fight this together.

I know you must all be thinking what about curing my problem? Yes that is happening, i am planning on going private but before that starts i still have to wait aprox 5 months due to finances. The cure isn't quick and is mainly counselling and could take a very long time which is hard to predict before i start treatment.

Meanwhile i am working on other factors which also effect my husband and how he feels about me i.e my appearance etc and basically what i am saying is that i am working on trying to solve our problems but obviously there is no quick fix and they will take time. I think my husband doesn't have any high hopes and feels that his time is running out as he is getting older. Our families our bugging us about kids which aren't even an option for us atm (not that they know) regardless my husband and i are not ready to have kids yet and we just want to have a normal sex life before we have kids.

I really don't know what to do and i have considered leaving my husband so that he can just live his life and be happy. I don't think i am making him happy although he says i do. He tells me that if i left him he would not be happy and that this problem is really stressing him out and he's finding it hard to block out these temptations. I really don't know what to do, i feel miserable, i cry almost everyday as the guilt of torturing my husband kills me, i don't want to oppress him of his needs but i just cannot convince myself to be happy with him having a mutaa. I cannot share him like that. i seriously dont know what to do. Am i really such a selfish wife? Am i expecting too much? Am i oppressing him? These type of things are constantly running through my mind and its killing me and making me depressed.

Please can anyone give me some advise and whilst writing this I was very worried about my husband sounding like a bad person, but he is not, just remember he is a guy who has needs.

Thank you for reading, appreciate any help.

[Hameedeh]

Sexual Fulfillment

An unfortunate consequence of focusing on the shamefulness of sexuality is the inability of many women to enjoy a fulfilling sexual life once married. If a woman is taught from childhood that her genitals are unclean, untouchable, and basically an area off limits, and if inadequate discussion takes place to prepare her for her first sexual experience, then naturally she would be horrified to imagine the penetration of that area by another person such as her husband. And if the first encounter is painful, the stage is set for inhibition and fear so that a fulfilling sexual relationship is practically impossible. Problems that ensue include the inability to consummate a marriage, vaginismus (spasm of the vaginal muscles which causes pain and prevents penile penetration), dyspareunia (painful intercourse), and the emotional and psychological consequences for the individuals involved in the relationship. Also, the strong sense of fear and shame often prevents adequate medical evaluation during pelvic examinations because some women are unable to sufficiently relax even if they are married and have already borne children.

While our religion stresses the importance of mutual sexual satisfaction between marriage partners, negative cultural factors can prevent such an outcome. By educating children and young adults properly about sexuality, and by eliminating the features or habits which contribute to a negative self-image, and by focusing on the positive language found regarding these issues in Islamic literature women and men will be able to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship in marriage that is each person's right.

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/27054-sex-and-sexuality-in-islam/?p=311703

[Hameedeh]

Women do feel pain during intimacy and most females are worried about their wedding night. Obviously your husband understands that you are in pain and he has been patient with you for 1.5 years. Since you must wait for five months to get treatment, please try using over-the-counter pain medication 30 or 60 minutes before intimacy and try to relax. 

[Abd az Zahra]

Walaikum salam

I understand this is a tremendously difficult test to have been going through over the last 1.5 years in marriage. The good news is that with therapy, your chances of getting over this and solving it completely are very high. I'm not sure what the ultimate cause of this might be, but in going through this, it's very important that you not beat yourself up. It is honestly not your fault that you are undergoing this difficult test. Treat yourself very kindly and practice unconditional compassion towards yourself. Your sense of self-worth should not be dependent on anyone else and you need not any reason to feel comfortable. In time, with the help of Allah, you and your husband will be able to enjoy a fuller relationship soon.

[insearchoflight]

salaam

In high probability your problem is more psychological than physical. Check with some other doctors. Ask them if any water based lubricants would help.

Attachment and love can be more overpowering than intercourse. Intimacy is a broad term. Seek alternate means of being intimate until you go through therapy or counseling.

Share your views about your insecurity with him openly. I'm sure if he loves you he'll demonstrate more patience.

Either me or mutah isn't good strategy. It might only delay inevitable depending on how strongly he feels for you. A simple allowing him while sharing how you'll feel if he does go ahead instead of working this out together is stronger emotional plea and might work better inshallah.

Bring in camaraderie. Make each other feel special instead of working on your individual needs/desires.

Let him realise that it's as much his issue than yours.

Inshallah once both of you have overcome you'll have much stronger bond and probably laugh it off together when you would look back.

Seek assistance of Allah through patience and prayers.

[salamtek]

Amazingly enough, this problem could be psychological. In the book Abnormal Psychology, 7th Ed by Durant which I had to read for a class, there was a case of a woman who took a chastity vow when she was about 13-14. She was wed when became 26, and when she tried to consummate the marriage, she had this problem. It was revealed that her husband cheated on her afterward, and after she left him. She received psychological help, and she was able to consummate her second marriage properly. Now, I'm not a psychologist, I just take these classes for fun: if you tried to consummate you marriage after you found out about the mutaa? Did you notice it was more difficult?

That was also another case in the book, where a different woman chose to stay with her husband, and she only found it harder after she found out he has a side-woman and reported that her faith is the main reason why she stayed. The husband encouraged her to go to marriage counseling, and they ended up working most of their marital issues. Now, the textbook noted that there was screaming, crying and the like at these counseling sessions. A year later, she was 7 1/2 months pregnant, shortly after, gave birth to a girl and was pregnant soon enough. She noted that she finally was able to live out her dream and be a mother. It was touching to say the least.

The depression and stress actually make all of this worse, so I encourage you to seek help soon.

[iltemas-e-dua]

Thank you hameedeh I have read your comments and unfortunately this is not as easy as just getting some pain relief over the counter as psychology my body locks up and it's then basically like a barrier and my husband cannot physically get any further than that.

Also the link you have posted i did check all that before posting my topic but unfortunately that topic didn't really provide me with the information I was looking for which is how to deal with this.

Also if there is any mods here can you please see if this topic can be moved. My original post was actually for the sisters forum but it somehow got approved here. If possible can it be moved to the sisters forum or to the social and marriage issues as I feel it is more appropriate in either of these sections and will get the right coverage?

Thank you and if anyone reads this and doesn't have anything to add then please remember me in your Duas

[Abu Hadi]

Salam, 

This is primarily a medical issue. There are treatments for this that are widely available. You should consult your

gyn as to which are best for you. 

See article below, 

http://blogs.webmd.com/womens-health/2010/12/vaginismus-married-virgin-desperate-for-a-solution.html

[Haji 2003]

On 11/16/2014 at 5:48 AM, iltemas-e-dua said:

Also if there is any mods here can you please see if this topic can be moved. My original post was actually for the sisters forum but it somehow got approved here. If possible can it be moved to the sisters forum or to the social and marriage issues as I feel it is more appropriate in either of these sections and will get the right coverage?

Men access the women's forum.

Also for topics such as this one, there is a higher propensity for trolling posts. This is the only forum where every post, from all contributors, has to be proactively approved by the moderators.

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/16/2014 at 7:04 AM, Haji 2003 said:

Men access the women's forum.

Also for topics such as this one, there is a higher propensity for trolling posts. This is the only forum where every post, from all contributors, has to be proactively approved by the moderators.

Point noted thank you

[Abu Hadi]

Also, this is a public forum and so it is not really possible to keep certain genders or certain member from seeing this.

I apologize if I offended you by posting on this thread, I didn't know it was originally in the sister forum. 

If you really want to keep the thread private, I suggest you start a pm conversation with sisters on the site that you trust. 

Salam, 

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/16/2014 at 8:31 AM, Abu Hadi said:

Also, this is a public forum and so it is not really possible to keep certain genders or certain member from seeing this.

I apologize if I offended you by posting on this thread, I didn't know it was originally in the sister forum. 

If you really want to keep the thread private, I suggest you start a pm conversation with sisters on the site that you trust. 

Salam,

Walaikum assalam

No not at all brother, I have no problem in any males replying as I think it would be good to get a males perspective on the issue.

The only reason I thought of posting it in the sisters section was because I thought the topic would be seem abit appropriate otherwise.

Honestly I appreciate replies from both brothers and sisters and thank you all for the help and support as I'm feeling quite down and don't wish to hurt my husband with my problems. It's very difficult and i only pray Allah helps us both get through this testing times inshAllah

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/16/2014 at 6:03 AM, Abu Hadi said:

Salam, 

This is primarily a medical issue. There are treatments for this that are widely available. You should consult your

gyn as to which are best for you. 

See article below, 

http://blogs.webmd.com/womens-health/2010/12/vaginismus-married-virgin-desperate-for-a-solution.html

Great link and post, makes me feel slightly relieved at the same time. Whilst searching the Internet i only came across extreme cases who haven't had success in treatments and their marriages have ended as a result of this...I wouldn't want that to happen to me and it makes me panic

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/15/2014 at 9:20 PM, Abd az Zahra said:

Walaikum salam

I understand this is a tremendously difficult test to have been going through over the last 1.5 years in marriage. The good news is that with therapy, your chances of getting over this and solving it completely are very high. I'm not sure what the ultimate cause of this might be, but in going through this, it's very important that you not beat yourself up. It is honestly not your fault that you are undergoing this difficult test. Treat yourself very kindly and practice unconditional compassion towards yourself. Your sense of self-worth should not be dependent on anyone else and you need not any reason to feel comfortable. In time, with the help of Allah, you and your husband will be able to enjoy a fuller relationship soon.

Your post was so comforting I almost cried! I'm such an emotional wreck lately and cry at everything but seriously thank you!!

[Chaotic Muslem]

I hope this link helps.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx

The most important factor is not to stress yourself so much so to critically strain your relationship AND to stay hopeful. Allah is with you. Just keep optimistic.

I'm wondering if you have tried to get treatment and how far did you go? I'm not requesting an answer but if you did not start treatment yet then you really should not feel very helpless already.

[Ruq]

Wasalam,

Im not surprised you are so upset. I know you love your husband and dont want to think bad of him, but there is no real excuse for going astray 1.5 years into a marriage when the only issue you have is penetrative sex due to a medical condition. There are other ways to get sexual relief with your partner that doesnt involve vaginal sex (im not advocating anything makrooh here, but there are other sexual acts that men like very much). I imagine that the pain you feel over his straying is exacerbating the issue you have between each other. In terms of the medical condition, it could be that you need lots of foreplay, basically anything that increases your pleasure and relaxation (you might consider a 'toy' to use between you). [Mod Note: The use of a sex toy is prohibited during intimate relations. See the information in the following link:]

https://www.al-islam.org/marriage-and-morals-islam-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi/chapter-three-islamic-sexual-morality-2-its#6-sexual-techniques

A hot bath, massage, gentleness and a slow build up will help. Also, i think it would be better if the position you try with one another is where you are in control, where you husband pretty much just lays there and you are controlling what is happening. Talking therapy should help as well as visualisations with regard to relaxation, which can have quite a profound affect on the body. Make a deal with your husband that your aim when you make love will not be to have penetrative sex, that way, if it doesnt happen you wont feel bad and you wont be thinking that in a moment you have to try. Just have fun with each other and get lots of that oxytocin flowing to bond you both and make you feel comforted and connected.

It would be great for you and the quality and longevity of your relationship if you could make a pact with each other that you will focus your attention on the relationship between the 2 of you to give it the best chance, rather that instigating situations that will only make that harder.

Edited May 9 by ShiaChat Mod
Mod Note and link

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/16/2014 at 0:13 AM, insearchoflight said:

salaam

In high probability your problem is more psychological than physical. Check with some other doctors. Ask them if any water based lubricants would help.

Attachment and love can be more overpowering than intercourse. Intimacy is a broad term. Seek alternate means of being intimate until you go through therapy or counseling.

Share your views about your insecurity with him openly. I'm sure if he loves you he'll demonstrate more patience.

Either me or mutah isn't good strategy. It might only delay inevitable depending on how strongly he feels for you. A simple allowing him while sharing how you'll feel if he does go ahead instead of working this out together is stronger emotional plea and might work better inshallah.

Bring in camaraderie. Make each other feel special instead of working on your individual needs/desires.

Let him realise that it's as much his issue than yours.

Inshallah once both of you have overcome you'll have much stronger bond and probably laugh it off together when you would look back.

Seek assistance of Allah through patience and prayers.

I dont know how i missed your post when i was reading the comments, sorry!

Thank you  :) i agree with what you have said. I have spoken to him properly before posting this topic and he knows i am aware of his struggles and realises that this is our issue not mine or his and we are not suffering individually...its probably the most open we have been since i was diagnosed with it and alhamdulillah i can see he is making small gestures to make me feel better which is a big thing for him as he is quite shy.

i thank Allah for everything and pray he helps me and my husband remain patient and hopeful inshAllah

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/16/2014 at 2:38 AM, salamtek said:

Amazingly enough, this problem could be psychological. In the book Abnormal Psychology, 7th Ed by Durant which I had to read for a class, there was a case of a woman who took a chastity vow when she was about 13-14. She was wed when became 26, and when she tried to consummate the marriage, she had this problem. It was revealed that her husband cheated on her afterward, and after she left him. She received psychological help, and she was able to consummate her second marriage properly. Now, I'm not a psychologist, I just take these classes for fun: if you tried to consummate you marriage after you found out about the mutaa? Did you notice it was more difficult?

That was also another case in the book, where a different woman chose to stay with her husband, and she only found it harder after she found out he has a side-woman and reported that her faith is the main reason why she stayed. The husband encouraged her to go to marriage counseling, and they ended up working most of their marital issues. Now, the textbook noted that there was screaming, crying and the like at these counseling sessions. A year later, she was 7 1/2 months pregnant, shortly after, gave birth to a girl and was pregnant soon enough. She noted that she finally was able to live out her dream and be a mother. It was touching to say the least.

The depression and stress actually make all of this worse, so I encourage you to seek help soon.

thank you for your reply, just realised im only noticing some posts because they had to be moderated, thought it was going abit mad as i was noticing posts i didnt see before each time i was coming back to check!

thank you for your reply, my husbands hasnt done mutaa, he just had thoughts of doing it to solve his temptations. I think youre right about the depression and stress making it worse. It did help immensely speaking to my husband openly and we have committed in helping each through this. I accepted that these thoughts of his of wanting to do a mutaa and attempting to look elsewhere were only natural in the circumstances and he didnt actually act on them so i should forgive and try to forget.

we havent tried much since i was diagnosed with it to be honest maybe a few times just after i was diagnosed and it was still pretty impossible and we both believe that without the therapy/councelling it isnt really going to help so i guess i should try and wait until my treatment starts and then re analyse the situation.

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/16/2014 at 10:19 AM, Chaotic Muslem said:

I hope this link helps.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx

The most important factor is not to stress yourself so much so to critically strain your relationship AND to stay hopeful. Allah is with you. Just keep optimistic.

I'm wondering if you have tried to get treatment and how far did you go? I'm not requesting an answer but if you did not start treatment yet then you really should not feel very helpless already.

salam

no i havent started treatment yet, i think its more that my husband was making me feel hopeless and the implications of what my condition was causing.

After i got married i moved to a country that doesnt speak english so for me to get treatment through councelling/therapy i need to communicate in english and for that i have to go private. Due to finances i should be able to start in aprox 5 months inshAllah i would like to come back to this thread when it starts with progress as it may help someone else inshAllah

[Hameedeh]

There is a sister I know who had this problem. When she went to the gynecologist she asked the doctor if she was pregnant and the doctor said she is still a virgin. It seems that every time she was intimate with her husband she would start to cry and her husband would back off. The good news is that after time she was able to get over it and had three children, and they are still happily married. Praying for you. 

[iltemas-e-dua]

There is a sister I know who had this problem. When she went to the gynecologist she asked the doctor if she was pregnant and the doctor said she is still a virgin. It seems that every time she was intimate with her husband she would start to cry and her husband would back off. The good news is that after time she was able to get over it and had three children, and they are still happily married. Praying for you.

That was so encouraging to here sister! I'm so glad she got through this and I hope I can too with my husband still beside me of course.

It's driving me mental and sometimes it takes over so much that even when my husband is messaging on his phone continuously I start thinking maybe he's talking to a girl even though my husband has said that whatever happened ,happened and he will not do anything to hurt me and will be with me throughout the journey of recovery inshAllah I don't want to be the suspicious type as I never was and I'm pretty sure he's not doing that but I think my insecurities keep directing me to these thoughts

[ghulam e Mahdi]

Salam sister,

You needed a male perspective so here I am:)

I was married a year ago to a wonderful woman. Ours was an arranged marriage so you can imagine the feelings on our weeding night.

Unable to consummate our marriage was a great blow to my self esteem. In the beginning I thought it was my fault that I couldn't get it over with meanwhile causing great pain to my beloved without any result.

We tried every night for the next few nights before I finally gave up. I read a lot about ED before deciding that all the symptoms were not appropriate to my situation.. Ergo.. Has to be something the matter with the light of my life.

I visited a specialist OB with my wife and explained the problem we were facing. In 20 minutes she was back after her examination and explained to us everything about vaginimus. Counseled us to keep trying but through different ways which I don't feel comfortable writing about here and sent us on our way.

We tried.. And tried.. And tried.. And failed..

We visited The OB.. God bless her soul who set us on the path to recovery.. explained to us that there is no cure for the problem.. That the problem existed solely in her head.. She told my wife right in front of me that if she couldn't get over the fear and resulting bodily conditions during our intimacy.. That this marriage was doomed and that she had seen lots of marriages go down the drain as a result of this problem. I could have argued.. Could have professed my will and commitment.. Some instinct told me to shut up...

The will to make a go of something.. The fear of losing someone.. Is a great motivator.. This time it wasn't me coaxing my better half into bed for another go.. From that visit to the OB.. Something changed.. I for one should say that by this time I had all but given up.. Completely frustrated and the way things had turned out the last 9 months we had been together.. This time it was the future mother of my children that attacked me in bed and promised me that this time it would be better..

We tried.. Again and again for the next few weeks.. Her will undaunted.. Untill we succeeded.. We are expecting our first born in a couple of months and are ecstatic..

Sure you can wait for the counselling.. I'm guessing you are saving up.. But what I'm trying to say is.. You need not.. After that first time.. About 11 months into our marriage we still had problems starting but are going great now..

I have tried to present our experience in a light manner although this situation you are in is nothing but.. I wish you all the luck and hope for your speedy recovery..

I would in the end say that it was my wife that got us through this.. It was her that dragged me to the finish line.. Or to the start ;)

All the best..

Was salam

[iltemas-e-dua]

Last night my husband and I had a chat about this as a sister mentioned me trying other ways to please my husband.

I do try that but sometimes he just brushes me away and I asked him the reason and he said he can't help relating anything else we do to having sex and that leads to him feeling frustrated so he trties to avoid it completely.

I guess if that's the case then I can't do much as I don't want to cause him more hardship than he's already going through

[-Fatima-]

Salam dear

Let me tell you that I totally feel for you, reading what you have written breaks my heart. May God help you dear.

I've seen many have given you advice on your condition. I want to speak about your husband.

Honestly, he is a STRONG man, truly. I know for a fact that if I had this condition, my husband would sleep with other women, the right that God has given him.

Your husband isn't selfish at all. To women, intimacy between the husband and wife is sacred. A bond of love. To men it is too (with their wives). However, intercourse for men is literally like food. They need it. It affects their health, their mental state, everything. And you know what? Alternatives aren't the same, they might work during your periods, but they can't live off it. Research the need of sex for men, and you'll uncover wonders.

Your husband needs a release. One and a half years is so long for a man, not a single man, a married man. You have to understand how difficult it is for him, and if he's abstaining it's only because he doesn't want to hurt you. Return the favour to him, he wants to support you, so support him.

To men, intercourse is just that, intercourse. Nothing more. It's a form of release.

I have friends that their husbands love them to death, but they tell them I can't last more than a month, if you go over seas for more than that, I'll sleep with another woman.

It's not because they're selfish. It's their nature. Men, unlike women, are capable of bedding more than one woman, without guilt. Why do you think men marry multiple wives? God doesn't allow anything without base wisdom. 

I know it would be difficult to let him sleep with another wife, I would be heartbroken, I can't imagine it. But that's when your jihad kicks in. Your reward will be so great!

Look, there is a woman in Lebanon, who after marriage discovered that she's barren. She told her husband to marry a second wife and insisted. So he ended up marrying one, and they ended up both getting pregnant together. Truly a miracle. Fight your nafs and tame it, nothing goes unnoticed by the eyes of God.

As long as your husband has no release he will become and remain frustrated, angry and tense. This may even lead to the end of your marriage... If this was just for another 2-3 months, then I advise you ask him wait, but if this is going to take a minimum of 4 months +, it would be unbearable.

Consider his needs and nature, as he has considered yours. Continue praying to Allah, everything happens for a reason dear.

I'll pray for you, wassalam.

[sunrise_786]

On 11/17/2014 at 3:08 AM, ghulam e Mahdi said:

Salam sister,

You needed a male perspective so here I am:)

I was married a year ago to a wonderful woman. Ours was an arranged marriage so you can imagine the feelings on our weeding night.

Unable to consummate our marriage was a great blow to my self esteem. In the beginning I thought it was my fault that I couldn't get it over with meanwhile causing great pain to my beloved without any result.

We tried every night for the next few nights before I finally gave up. I read a lot about ED before deciding that all the symptoms were not appropriate to my situation.. Ergo.. Has to be something the matter with the light of my life.

I visited a specialist OB with my wife and explained the problem we were facing. In 20 minutes she was back after her examination and explained to us everything about vaginimus. Counseled us to keep trying but through different ways which I don't feel comfortable writing about here and sent us on our way.

We tried.. And tried.. And tried.. And failed..

We visited The OB.. God bless her soul who set us on the path to recovery.. explained to us that there is no cure for the problem.. That the problem existed solely in her head.. She told my wife right in front of me that if she couldn't get over the fear and resulting bodily conditions during our intimacy.. That this marriage was doomed and that she had seen lots of marriages go down the drain as a result of this problem. I could have argued.. Could have professed my will and commitment.. Some instinct told me to shut up...

The will to make a go of something.. The fear of losing someone.. Is a great motivator.. This time it wasn't me coaxing my better half into bed for another go.. From that visit to the OB.. Something changed.. I for one should say that by this time I had all but given up.. Completely frustrated and the way things had turned out the last 9 months we had been together.. This time it was the future mother of my children that attacked me in bed and promised me that this time it would be better..

We tried.. Again and again for the next few weeks.. Her will undaunted.. Untill we succeeded.. We are expecting our first born in a couple of months and are ecstatic..

Sure you can wait for the counselling.. I'm guessing you are saving up.. But what I'm trying to say is.. You need not.. After that first time.. About 11 months into our marriage we still had problems starting but are going great now..

I have tried to present our experience in a light manner although this situation you are in is nothing but.. I wish you all the luck and hope for your speedy recovery..

I would in the end say that it was my wife that got us through this.. It was her that dragged me to the finish line.. Or to the start ;)

All the best..

Was salam

That's so beautiful . May Allah bless you with a beautiful marriage and a beautiful family.

Sister iltemas e dua, It hurts me that you are going through this. May Allah make it easy for you! I hope to Allah something gets resolved soon. I would highly recommend that you consider ghulam e mahdi's advice initially. I think in that lies a success story. and may Allah help you through it. 

what is the procedure for 5 months? why would it take that long?

I understand the whole muta argument, but I wouldn't want my husband to fall into this habit. It is easy to say its is just intercourse for men, but it isn't. It is much more than that and it can put more strain on their marriage if he was to go elsewhere than come back again and again.

I sincerely pray that Allah makes everything easy for you. 

iltemase duas,

786

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/17/2014 at 3:08 AM, ghulam e Mahdi said:

Salam sister,

You needed a male perspective so here I am:)

I was married a year ago to a wonderful woman. Ours was an arranged marriage so you can imagine the feelings on our weeding night.

Unable to consummate our marriage was a great blow to my self esteem. In the beginning I thought it was my fault that I couldn't get it over with meanwhile causing great pain to my beloved without any result.

We tried every night for the next few nights before I finally gave up. I read a lot about ED before deciding that all the symptoms were not appropriate to my situation.. Ergo.. Has to be something the matter with the light of my life.

I visited a specialist OB with my wife and explained the problem we were facing. In 20 minutes she was back after her examination and explained to us everything about vaginimus. Counseled us to keep trying but through different ways which I don't feel comfortable writing about here and sent us on our way.

We tried.. And tried.. And tried.. And failed..

We visited The OB.. God bless her soul who set us on the path to recovery.. explained to us that there is no cure for the problem.. That the problem existed solely in her head.. She told my wife right in front of me that if she couldn't get over the fear and resulting bodily conditions during our intimacy.. That this marriage was doomed and that she had seen lots of marriages go down the drain as a result of this problem. I could have argued.. Could have professed my will and commitment.. Some instinct told me to shut up...

The will to make a go of something.. The fear of losing someone.. Is a great motivator.. This time it wasn't me coaxing my better half into bed for another go.. From that visit to the OB.. Something changed.. I for one should say that by this time I had all but given up.. Completely frustrated and the way things had turned out the last 9 months we had been together.. This time it was the future mother of my children that attacked me in bed and promised me that this time it would be better..

We tried.. Again and again for the next few weeks.. Her will undaunted.. Untill we succeeded.. We are expecting our first born in a couple of months and are ecstatic..

Sure you can wait for the counselling.. I'm guessing you are saving up.. But what I'm trying to say is.. You need not.. After that first time.. About 11 months into our marriage we still had problems starting but are going great now..

I have tried to present our experience in a light manner although this situation you are in is nothing but.. I wish you all the luck and hope for your speedy recovery..

I would in the end say that it was my wife that got us through this.. It was her that dragged me to the finish line.. Or to the start ;)

All the best..

Was salam

Thank you so much for your reply!

i am genuinely so happy for you both as i know exactly what it feels like to go through this and how it must feel to overcome the problem, Alhamdulillah.

Congratulations on your forth coming child InshALLAH all goes well for you both for the future aswell.

I cannot thank yoe enough for your post because not only is it a males perspective but youve been through the same thing.

Hats off to your wife for being so strong willed, really inspiring.

I wasnt quite sure how your wife got over it?..it just happened? trust me i have been trying over and over and its not going anywhere. I was just given lube and told to go try again...it didnt work and we both just gave up after some time.

I am really scared to try again with my husband, because of what hes going through right now, if it doesnt work he gets really frustrated (not intentionally and does apologise for it afterwards, i guess its  his reaction in the spur of the moment)

Please make dua

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/18/2014 at 1:57 AM, -Fatima- said:

Salam dear

Let me tell you that I totally feel for you, reading what you have written breaks my heart. May God help you dear.

I've seen many have given you advice on your condition. I want to speak about your husband.

Honestly, he is a STRONG man, truly. I know for a fact that if I had this condition, my husband would sleep with other women, the right that God has given him.

Your husband isn't selfish at all. To women, intimacy between the husband and wife is sacred. A bond of love. To men it is too (with their wives). However, intercourse for men is literally like food. They need it. It affects their health, their mental state, everything. And you know what? Alternatives aren't the same, they might work during your periods, but they can't live off it. Research the need of sex for men, and you'll uncover wonders.

Your husband needs a release. One and a half years is so long for a man, not a single man, a married man. You have to understand how difficult it is for him, and if he's abstaining it's only because he doesn't want to hurt you. Return the favour to him, he wants to support you, so support him.

To men, intercourse is just that, intercourse. Nothing more. It's a form of release.

I have friends that their husbands love them to death, but they tell them I can't last more than a month, if you go over seas for more than that, I'll sleep with another woman.

It's not because they're selfish. It's their nature. Men, unlike women, are capable of bedding more than one woman, without guilt. Why do you think men marry multiple wives? God doesn't allow anything without base wisdom. 

I know it would be difficult to let him sleep with another wife, I would be heartbroken, I can't imagine it. But that's when your jihad kicks in. Your reward will be so great!

Look, there is a woman in Lebanon, who after marriage discovered that she's barren. She told her husband to marry a second wife and insisted. So he ended up marrying one, and they ended up both getting pregnant together. Truly a miracle. Fight your nafs and tame it, nothing goes unnoticed by the eyes of God.

As long as your husband has no release he will become and remain frustrated, angry and tense. This may even lead to the end of your marriage... If this was just for another 2-3 months, then I advise you ask him wait, but if this is going to take a minimum of 4 months +, it would be unbearable.

Consider his needs and nature, as he has considered yours. Continue praying to Allah, everything happens for a reason dear.

I'll pray for you, wassalam.

Thank you sister.

I do understand what you have said and I do feel his frustration and do consider his feelings.

I wish i was strong enough to be okay with him sleeping with other woman but i know i am not. i have thought about it over and over and the more i think about it the more it hurts me.

I would rather my husband divorced me and then led a normal life with someone else as i find that easier to bare than the pain of someone else giving him what i want to, i feel like i'm not wantedly making him abstain and i shouldnt have to be punished for it.

I may be selfish but i am only being honest with myself. Pretending i'm okay and saying okay to him will inevitably cause additional problems in the relationship and may result in it ending.

[-Fatima-]

On 11/18/2014 at 9:08 AM, iltemas-e-dua said:

Thank you sister.

I do understand what you have said and I do feel his frustration and do consider his feelings.

I wish i was strong enough to be okay with him sleeping with other woman but i know i am not. i have thought about it over and over and the more i think about it the more it hurts me.

I would rather my husband divorced me and then led a normal life with someone else as i find that easier to bare than the pain of someone else giving him what i want to, i feel like i'm not wantedly making him abstain and i shouldnt have to be punished for it.

I may be selfish but i am only being honest with myself. Pretending i'm okay and saying okay to him will inevitably cause additional problems in the relationship and may result in it ending.

I completely get you

You'll be in my prayers inshaa Allah and do update us in the future about your medical progress I would truly love to hear that you've overcome it.

God bless, wassalam

[Ruq]

On 11/18/2014 at 1:57 AM, -Fatima- said:

Salam dear

Let me tell you that I totally feel for you, reading what you have written breaks my heart. May God help you dear.

I've seen many have given you advice on your condition. I want to speak about your husband.

Honestly, he is a STRONG man, truly. I know for a fact that if I had this condition, my husband would sleep with other women, the right that God has given him.

Your husband isn't selfish at all. To women, intimacy between the husband and wife is sacred. A bond of love. To men it is too (with their wives). However, intercourse for men is literally like food. They need it. It affects their health, their mental state, everything. And you know what? Alternatives aren't the same, they might work during your periods, but they can't live off it. Research the need of sex for men, and you'll uncover wonders.

Your husband needs a release. One and a half years is so long for a man, not a single man, a married man. You have to understand how difficult it is for him, and if he's abstaining it's only because he doesn't want to hurt you. Return the favour to him, he wants to support you, so support him.

To men, intercourse is just that, intercourse. Nothing more. It's a form of release.

I have friends that their husbands love them to death, but they tell them I can't last more than a month, if you go over seas for more than that, I'll sleep with another woman.

It's not because they're selfish. It's their nature. Men, unlike women, are capable of bedding more than one woman, without guilt. Why do you think men marry multiple wives? God doesn't allow anything without base wisdom. 

I know it would be difficult to let him sleep with another wife, I would be heartbroken, I can't imagine it. But that's when your jihad kicks in. Your reward will be so great!

Look, there is a woman in Lebanon, who after marriage discovered that she's barren. She told her husband to marry a second wife and insisted. So he ended up marrying one, and they ended up both getting pregnant together. Truly a miracle. Fight your nafs and tame it, nothing goes unnoticed by the eyes of God.

As long as your husband has no release he will become and remain frustrated, angry and tense. This may even lead to the end of your marriage... If this was just for another 2-3 months, then I advise you ask him wait, but if this is going to take a minimum of 4 months +, it would be unbearable.

Consider his needs and nature, as he has considered yours. Continue praying to Allah, everything happens for a reason dear.

I'll pray for you, wassalam.

No offense intended, I dont now who/what brain washed you, but that truly is an load of rubbish. There is some objective evidence that im aware of that some men are more inclined towards polygamy than monogamy (in terms of biological indicators), but there is no evidence that this is the majority (the reverse in fact) and Islamic polygamy does not equal promiscuity. If you want to make excuses for other peoples lustful indulgence, thats up to you, but it is not healthy and it is not Islamic.It goes entirely against what the Quran has to say on the matter of marriage, your intentions with regard to marriage and lustfulness, responsibilities and self control. If you dont mind your husband going around bedding other women, risking your sexual health as he goes and risking creating a single parent family that he will have to provide for (or make himself a part time father for your own children) thats fine for you, but you have no right to pressurise this lady into making the same choice. Many women arent interested in being with a man that cannot control himself, even when he has a willing partner at home. Like i said before, there are other ways to find sexual relief with your partner that doesnt include the kind of sex you have to have to make babies. There are people living in happy marriages with different kinds of medical conditions (male and female) where they cannot have traditional penetrative sex, yet they find ways to satisfy themselves and each other because their marriages are based on something substantial that is worth cherishing and not putting under strain/at risk.

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/18/2014 at 8:52 AM, 786repenting said:

That's so beautiful . May Allah bless you with a beautiful marriage and a beautiful family.

Sister iltemas e dua, It hurts me that you are going through this. May Allah make it easy for you! I hope to Allah something gets resolved soon. I would highly recommend that you consider ghulam e mahdi's advice initially. I think in that lies a success story. and may Allah help you through it. 

what is the procedure for 5 months? why would it take that long?

I understand the whole muta argument, but I wouldn't want my husband to fall into this habit. It is easy to say its is just intercourse for men, but it isn't. It is much more than that and it can put more strain on their marriage if he was to go elsewhere than come back again and again. 

I sincerely pray that Allah makes everything easy for you. 

iltemase duas,

786

It's definately a hard time I am going through and I really wish I overcome this and have a success story just like Ghulab e mehmdi inshAllah

I agree and frel ghe same way regarding muta. Firstly I feel this is not the solution to our problem as I feel this way I will never have the encouragement and support to get cured and as much as I'd like to believe that sex would just be sex I highly disagree that it ever is.

With regards to the 5 months basixay after my wedding u moved to a non english country and I need to go through therapy and need to be able to communicate on a 1 to 1 basis. For me to be able to do that I need to go private and my husbands job offers discounted health insurance for me but he is not eligible for this for another 5 months hence the delay.

I believe we have tried as much as we could to solve this problem by trying over and over and in dofference position and by using lubricants but I've not had any success. My husband gets frustrated now and feels bad because it's very painful.

I haven't had any medical help yet other than being told my symptoms are for vaginismus I wish it would just go away

[notme]

Everyone is focusing on how to please your husband.  There are intimate acts that your husband can do to please you that might help you overcome your mental block.  I know you don't want your husband to become frustrated, but perhaps if you both try to please each other, either simultaneously or taking turns, you will, in time, feel more physically relaxed and things will work out better for you both.

I think the previous failures are becoming a mental block to you both.  You need to just lighten up and enjoy each other's physical contact.

[iltemas-e-dua]

No offense intended, I dont now who/what brain washed you, but that truly is an load of rubbish. There is some objective evidence that im aware of that some men are more inclined towards polygamy than monogamy (in terms of biological indicators), but there is no evidence that this is the majority (the reverse in fact) and Islamic polygamy does not equal promiscuity. If you want to make excuses for other peoples lustful indulgence, thats up to you, but it is not healthy and it is not Islamic.It goes entirely against what the Quran has to say on the matter of marriage, your intentions with regard to marriage and lustfulness, responsibilities and self control. If you dont mind your husband going around bedding other women, risking your sexual health as he goes and risking creating a single parent family that he will have to provide for (or make himself a part time father for your own children) thats fine for you, but you have no right to pressurise this lady into making the same choice. Many women arent interested in being with a man that cannot control himself, even when he has a willing partner at home. Like i said before, there are other ways to find sexual relief with your partner that doesnt include the kind of sex you have to have to make babies. There are people living in happy marriages with different kinds of medical conditions (male and female) where they cannot have traditional penetrative sex, yet they find ways to satisfy themselves and each other because their marriages are based on something substantial that is worth cherishing and not putting under strain/at risk.

Thank you Ruq I feel you get where im coming from and it's nice to know I'm not insane/selfish for thinking the way I do ,regarding my husband potentially bedding other women.

Saying that sister Fatima I do agree with you saying my husband is a strong man because he really is an amazing husband and I know he never did anything to hurt me. I've known my husband for 8 years including the 1.5yrs we've been married and I admire him in so many ways it's unreal. I must admit your original post did make me sob and felt I needed to be more considerate of his feelings and I went snd apologised to him for being selfish but bless his gentle soul he said that he knows that if I could choose I would not refuse him of any needs and it's not my fault he said he has a responsibility to take care of me and he will do that and will work with me in my problem.

Notme, thank you for your reply. I agree and think I need to initiate on trying again otherwise things may stay the same for some time. I'm sure treatment will involve us having to continuously try anyway and if it doesn't help atleast we'll be more comfortable with each other physically. It's so psychological I wish I could control my thoughts and just snap out of it :(

I respect and appreciate all the comments I've received and would love to hear more, especially success stories of overcoming this horrible condition. Ive no hard feelings towards anyone, thank you

[dragonfly]

On 11/18/2014 at 5:10 PM, Ruq said:

No offense intended, I dont now who/what brain washed you, but that truly is an load of rubbish. There is some objective evidence that im aware of that some men are more inclined towards polygamy than monogamy (in terms of biological indicators), but there is no evidence that this is the majority (the reverse in fact) and Islamic polygamy does not equal promiscuity. If you want to make excuses for other peoples lustful indulgence, thats up to you, but it is not healthy and it is not Islamic.It goes entirely against what the Quran has to say on the matter of marriage, your intentions with regard to marriage and lustfulness, responsibilities and self control. If you dont mind your husband going around bedding other women, risking your sexual health as he goes and risking creating a single parent family that he will have to provide for (or make himself a part time father for your own children) thats fine for you, but you have no right to pressurise this lady into making the same choice. Many women arent interested in being with a man that cannot control himself, even when he has a willing partner at home. Like i said before, there are other ways to find sexual relief with your partner that doesnt include the kind of sex you have to have to make babies. There are people living in happy marriages with different kinds of medical conditions (male and female) where they cannot have traditional penetrative sex, yet they find ways to satisfy themselves and each other because their marriages are based on something substantial that is worth cherishing and not putting under strain/at risk.

I think it's unfair to call this poster brainwashed... I'm not a male and neither are you so it is impossible for us to say how men should or should not have an amount of self-control especially since all men are different and have different drives. We simply don't know how much self-control a man SHOULD have. What if he truly is feeling oppressed... oppression is a big no-no in Islam and it causes people to take desperate measures

The OP's husband is getting more and more frustrated against even his own will and the solution isn't to tell him to be patient and wait, how to tell a person to be patient if they are already starving? There is a reason that most couples in a normal healthy relationship do have vaginal sex and it is probably because it is better than the alternatives. Perhaps if he is allowed a different channel of release he can relax and then she will feel less pressure every time and she can relax more and focus on overcoming the problem holistically. 

I don't want to tell the OP that she should do this or do that about her situation. I have never heard about this condition before and I feel so bad for any couple that has to deal with this. Really I am hurting inside just knowing this exists

But if you look at it from a purely Islamic perspective, the husband has certain rights and the wife has certain rights. And one of the husband's rights is that he is allowed to take on multiple wives for various reasons, and ultimately the wife cannot deny him this right, it's unIslamic to do so. 

OP- I pray Allah gives you and your husband the strength to make the decisions that will lead to a beautiful, long lasting marriage in the end, whatever those decisions may be and above all I pray that this issue is resolved very soon though His Power and Mercy.

I hesitate to post this reply because I fear it might hurt you or make you sadder than you are or give bad advice which I don't want to do but maybe it is a perspective that will help? I hope so.

[iltemas-e-dua]

On 11/18/2014 at 10:54 PM, dragonfly said:

I think it's unfair to call this poster brainwashed... I'm not a male and neither are you so it is impossible for us to say how men should or should not have an amount of self-control especially since all men are different and have different drives. We simply don't know how much self-control a man SHOULD have. What if he truly is feeling oppressed... oppression is a big no-no in Islam and it causes people to take desperate measures

The OP's husband is getting more and more frustrated against even his own will and the solution isn't to tell him to be patient and wait, how to tell a person to be patient if they are already starving? There is a reason that most couples in a normal healthy relationship do have vaginal sex and it is probably because it is better than the alternatives. Perhaps if he is allowed a different channel of release he can relax and then she will feel less pressure every time and she can relax more and focus on overcoming the problem holistically. 

I don't want to tell the OP that she should do this or do that about her situation. I have never heard about this condition before and I feel so bad for any couple that has to deal with this. Really I am hurting inside just knowing this exists

But if you look at it from a purely Islamic perspective, the husband has certain rights and the wife has certain rights. And one of the husband's rights is that he is allowed to take on multiple wives for various reasons, and ultimately the wife cannot deny him this right, it's unIslamic to do so. 

OP- I pray Allah gives you and your husband the strength to make the decisions that will lead to a beautiful, long lasting marriage in the end, whatever those decisions may be and above all I pray that this issue is resolved very soon though His Power and Mercy.

I hesitate to post this reply because I fear it might hurt you or make you sadder than you are or give bad advice which I don't want to do but maybe it is a perspective that will help? I hope so.

Thank you sister

I appreciate your reply and i understand exactly what you mean as i do think of these things on a daily basis.  Bless you, i wish this condition didnt exist and my heart goes out to anyone else out there who is going through the same thing, i know how soul destroying it is.

I am just try to share how i feel about my husband and him having a mutaa and the reasons why i am against my husband having one. Please don't consider this as a dig at you or anyone else who has commented in any way. I am grateful for everyones response and its always good to hear everyones perspective.

So basically every time i think of my situation and think if it was in reverse and my husband had a condition which prevented us from having sex (which was curable) would i just let him be and go my own way? and my answer is; no, i would not. I would never do that even if he had something which was uncurable because i love him for what and how he is not how i want him to be. I know our needs for certain things differ in degree and i know he does have the right to marry multiple wives granted by Allah but that doesnt mean that given any circumstances everyone should excercise these, because these decisions impact different people in different ways and these factors should be considered. 

I could understand if i was 'okay' and i simply denied him of sex and he was looking elsewhere. I know it may seem like i am making him frustrated but believe me this condition makes me frustrated just as much. I am not as expressive about it because to some extent i feel guilty and blame myself for the whole thing, but really its not my fault.

I have thought about it and i don't feel i am denying him the right to mutaa (although we both follow Ayatullah Sistani and he says that a married man does require the permission of his wife should he wish to have a mutaa, i dont know the full ruling regarding this so don't quote me on it) However at the end of the day if he does it without telling me i cannot do anything about it, when i find out. However I felt it was necessary for him to know how i feel about it because if he went ahead with it, then i would never be able to see him in the same way. I couldn't respect him for it and it would hurt me and i've expressed this to him. I believe it was important for him to know, because he said he only wants to have a family with me and the mutaa would just be for sex and nothing else and i personally don't think that would work for me or work at all, for that matter. There is no guarantee that he would not impregnate the lady he would have a mutaa with (no birth control is 100% effective) so if she falls pregnant where does that then leave me? A so called sex only kind of relationship would turn to something much more after a child, as i know my husband will not back down from his responsibilities towards the child and the mother (i respect him for these qualities). Also i don't feel that any lady would want a sex only relationship as i know most females are very emotional and would certainly want more than that and therefore it isn't as easy as he believes and unwantedly our relationship will have more strain and will end up falling apart.

He does understand where i am coming from and admits if it was the other way he wouldn't be able to share my like that either. My husband is great guy alhamdulillah and i don't want to ruin our relationship permanently because we cannot get through a temporary (inshALLAH) problem. It's not just me that wants our marriage to be long lasting, he does too and unfortunately as much as id love to be okay with it, i cannot feel too happy about about him sleeping with other women as a solution to our problem as it will only add to the problems in my opinion and not solve them.

[Ruq]

On 11/18/2014 at 10:54 PM, dragonfly said:

I think it's unfair to call this poster brainwashed... I'm not a male and neither are you so it is impossible for us to say how men should or should not have an amount of self-control especially since all men are different and have different drives. We simply don't know how much self-control a man SHOULD have. What if he truly is feeling oppressed... oppression is a big no-no in Islam and it causes people to take desperate measures

The OP's husband is getting more and more frustrated against even his own will and the solution isn't to tell him to be patient and wait, how to tell a person to be patient if they are already starving? There is a reason that most couples in a normal healthy relationship do have vaginal sex and it is probably because it is better than the alternatives. Perhaps if he is allowed a different channel of release he can relax and then she will feel less pressure every time and she can relax more and focus on overcoming the problem holistically. 

I don't want to tell the OP that she should do this or do that about her situation. I have never heard about this condition before and I feel so bad for any couple that has to deal with this. Really I am hurting inside just knowing this exists

But if you look at it from a purely Islamic perspective, the husband has certain rights and the wife has certain rights. And one of the husband's rights is that he is allowed to take on multiple wives for various reasons, and ultimately the wife cannot deny him this right, it's unIslamic to do so. 

OP- I pray Allah gives you and your husband the strength to make the decisions that will lead to a beautiful, long lasting marriage in the end, whatever those decisions may be and above all I pray that this issue is resolved very soon though His Power and Mercy.

I hesitate to post this reply because I fear it might hurt you or make you sadder than you are or give bad advice which I don't want to do but maybe it is a perspective that will help? I hope so.

The Quran tells us how much control people should have in an Islamic marriage. The concession made for fearing sin indicates that marriage to avoid sin is allowed but makrooh and thats in relation to an unmarried person who cant afford the mahr of a free believing woman. The Quran says more about mens responsibilities in regard to their wives than it does about anything else in marriage. If there was no possibility for sexual relief then it wouldnt be unreasonable, it would depend on the individuals involved and their difficulties. I dont think you need to be a man to be aware that you cant make sweeping statements like the ones i replied to. Men, much like women, experience sex drives relative to many factors, including age, marital status (studies have shown) as well as individual biology and personality. The mythical stereotype that men are nothing but lustful, slaves to high sex drives is just as unfair and damaging as stereotypes about women having low sex drives and easily doing without sex. Many women have needs just as real and the highest sexed men and many men have little trouble controlling themselves in order to do the right thing.