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Mysterious secrets

Reasons For Divorce And How To Avoid Them

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(bismillah)

 

(wasalam)

 

InshAllah you are well.

 

I had been noticing a new divorce "trend" that has been seemingly augmenting among muslim communities recently. Divorce (Talaq) is one of the worst and hated halals that exists in Islam, but being the most realistic religion, Islam accepts divorce as a reality in certain social circumstances.

How divorce's existence, or nonexistence, affects society as a whole is a different topic. But my question is, are we justifying too many 'silly' circumstances that are out of our comfort zone to mandate divorce? We all have flaws and only through genuine prayer and jihad of nafs do we allow ourselves to grow spiritually.

 

I understand that it's easier said than done but whether from experience or by other means, what do you personally think are some of the most common reasons for divorce, how should they be avoided? 

 

Some reasons that I could think of from the top of my head (not in any specific order):  

 

1.Spouses not educated about their Islamic responsibilities/rights in a marriage

2.Not aiming to live a God based marriage

3.Education and social prestige are prioritized over motherhood and responsibilities of a wife

4.Lack of forgiveness

5.There is a lot of blaming rather than self reflection

6.Lack of kindness 

7.There is a lot of family meddling without proper management of the spouses

8.Lack of trust

9.Lack of attention and respect to the spouses interests --- (can translate to individuals 'worth' in the eyes of the spouse)

 

 

Please feel free to add to the list, any relevant contribution helps inshAllah! 

 

jazakAllah khairan,

 

mysterious secrets

Edited by Mysterious secrets

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(salam)

 

The points you mentioned are on track, specially #2 "not aiming to live a God based marriage". If we only understood what that truly means, there wouldn't be major issues. I believe divorce should happen only after all resources have been exhausted to make it work and it's usually that both of them or one side is reluctant to remember Allah in practice. In the daily treatment with the spouse, one side or perhaps both forget to "water the plant" such as forgetting or simply be neglectful of showing love, respect, kindness, and substituting that for harshness, lack of compassion, cheating (lack of respect towards the partner) and basically adopting a life where the spouse becomes an "enemy", and a lot of issues derive from the disgusting vice of ARROGANCE.

 

Arrogance will destroy a marriage if let to grow and govern your marriage or any relationship, and that comes of course from shaytan like any other vice, selfishness is a big one too, when the spouse chooses to put himself or herself first and wants THEIR WAY always or most of the time, when a spouse wants to CHANGE their husband or wife and keep telling him or her about all the things that they should change and it turns to be a marriage where you only face criticism rather than love. In other words, when the spouse keeps criticizing you, it translates to "I don't love you the way u are so you have to change in order for me to love you." I'm not saying we should not change in a marriage, we all must obviously work to change the bad habits in order to become a better person, and only do so for Allah swt, but the ROOT of divorce is the lack of awareness in Allah swt, because that will set grounds for us to sin, to wrong our spouses, to hurt them, abuse them psychologically or physically and all the problems we all know that exist.

 

Perhaps many of us may believe that by being active in the masjid, in the community, by reading lots of Islamic books, or talking about Allah swt and Islam, we are all set, but the real test is in the treatment with people, so inshAllah we all could improve on our treatment with our beloved ones and inshAllah divorce rate among our communities stop increasing :( 

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Selfishness - people nowadays are taught that they are the center of the universe.

Laziness - if it isn't fun, it isn't worth the effort.

False expectations - life ain't a Disney or Bollywood movie. "Romance" is a lie.

Impatience - it better be good now or they don't want it.

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50% of mothers in US are the bread winners and I read a survey that women with young kids on average spend 37 hours per week at work and then they spend 80 hours on housework and taking care of kids. In Muslim households, women don't get much help from husbands. I believe that married women probably work a lot more than single mothers. It's usually the women who ask for divorce. So I am trying to understand that who is selfish and lazy? That woman who is working 120 hours per week and complaining about it (asking for a divorce) or the man who works 25 to 30 hours per week (many don't even work) and doesn't do anything at home? 

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(salam)

 

The points you mentioned are on track, specially #2 "not aiming to live a God based marriage". If we only understood what that truly means, there wouldn't be major issues. I believe divorce should happen only after all resources have been exhausted to make it work and it's usually that both of them or one side is reluctant to remember Allah in practice. In the daily treatment with the spouse, one side or perhaps both forget to "water the plant" such as forgetting or simply be neglectful of showing love, respect, kindness, and substituting that for harshness, lack of compassion, cheating (lack of respect towards the partner) and basically adopting a life where the spouse becomes an "enemy", and a lot of issues derive from the disgusting vice of ARROGANCE.

 

Arrogance will destroy a marriage if let to grow and govern your marriage or any relationship, and that comes of course from shaytan like any other vice, selfishness is a big one too, when the spouse chooses to put himself or herself first and wants THEIR WAY always or most of the time, when a spouse wants to CHANGE their husband or wife and keep telling him or her about all the things that they should change and it turns to be a marriage where you only face criticism rather than love. In other words, when the spouse keeps criticizing you, it translates to "I don't love you the way u are so you have to change in order for me to love you." I'm not saying we should not change in a marriage, we all must obviously work to change the bad habits in order to become a better person, and only do so for Allah swt, but the ROOT of divorce is the lack of awareness in Allah swt, because that will set grounds for us to sin, to wrong our spouses, to hurt them, abuse them psychologically or physically and all the problems we all know that exist.

 

Perhaps many of us may believe that by being active in the masjid, in the community, by reading lots of Islamic books, or talking about Allah swt and Islam, we are all set, but the real test is in the treatment with people, so inshAllah we all could improve on our treatment with our beloved ones and inshAllah divorce rate among our communities stop increasing :(

 

MashAllah, well said! Your comment about facing criticism rather than love reminded me a lot of this article I had recently came across: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11

Selfishness - people nowadays are taught that they are the center of the universe.

Laziness - if it isn't fun, it isn't worth the effort.

False expectations - life ain't a Disney or Bollywood movie. "Romance" is a lie.

Impatience - it better be good now or they don't want it.

 

 

mashAllah excellent list. False expectations is so true! Media depicts a beautiful rosy picture about forever and ever romantic relationships that we seldom see the struggles the spouses go through to make the marriage lasting. Even in social media, and other live social interactions, muslims and non muslims alike, tend to highlight and sometimes exaggerate happy days, while subtracting all the negativity and speed bumps that have come their way. It's an inevitable reality. 

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A friend of mine once said, "marriage is hard work". The economy of words amazes me every time I repeat it. With this line false expectations and romance and laziness and impatience go out of the window. Because how much one may twist or turn ideas, in the end it is such simplest sentences which bring the greatest enlightenment in a person.

 

That's all one needs to understand to get some sense of reality and direction.

Edited by Marbles

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50% of mothers in US are the bread winners and I read a survey that women with young kids on average spend 37 hours per week at work and then they spend 80 hours on housework and taking care of kids. In Muslim households, women don't get much help from husbands. I believe that married women probably work a lot more than single mothers. It's usually the women who ask for divorce. So I am trying to understand that who is selfish and lazy? That woman who is working 120 hours per week and complaining about it (asking for a divorce) or the man who works 25 to 30 hours per week (many don't even work) and doesn't do anything at home? 

 

I agree with your comment about the woman usually not getting much help from the husband in certain cases can be a source of contention. However, in this situation you mentioned, I don't think it's entirely the males fault for being 'lazy,' the womans priority is really to dedicate time to the young kids and 'home making' ...anything outside that is really over-time on her part. If the wife creates a positive environment for growth in the home, the whole family is happy and less lazy! Trust in Allah swt is key as well. 

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If marriage is such hard work, and all these endless traps and conflicts, why get married at all?

 

Can somebody tell me the benefit of all this again?  And why the benefits outweigh the negatives?  Because all I see are negatives.  All people talk about are negatives. 

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If marriage is such hard work, and all these endless traps and conflicts, why get married at all?

 

Can somebody tell me the benefit of all this again?  And why the benefits outweigh the negatives?  Because all I see are negatives.  All people talk about are negatives. 

 

The benefits are rather obvious and told to us by the Qur'an and ahadith, we focus on the negatives perhaps to try our very best to eliminate the issues that lead to the break up of a marriage but one benefit I like to mention is the good practice you get in becoming a better person by enhancing your patience which is a KEY element to seek nearness to Allah swt. 

 

The benefits are too many to be listed, I'm sure you know them or at least many of them, it is important to be informed of the many causes that will prevent us from benefiting of the blessing of a good marriage. 

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Lack of commuincation and listen skills. Sometimes when your not compatiable,even when you talk you dont understand eachother,it's almost like your saying one thing will the other is saying another thing. Some people dont know how to commuincate. And some try hard to talk but the other half is like a wall,they dont listen nor do they respond.

Lack of romance and apperication. It's not hard to say thanks hun,it's not hard to wake up and see a rose with a message on the table. It's not hard to massage your husband hands when he comes back from a long day at work. It's not hard to cook something special for her.

Techology is another facter for increase number of divorce. Most people focus on their phone/any techo device,then spending valuble time with the other half/families. Cheating is much easier,accessing x rated data to fulfuil there desire and also it makes some people expect certain things from their other half. Less expresstion and ahasa because of technology.

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If marriage is such hard work, and all these endless traps and conflicts, why get married at all?

 

Can somebody tell me the benefit of all this again?  And why the benefits outweigh the negatives?  Because all I see are negatives.  All people talk about are negatives. 

 

Because you have to.

 

And I'm not just talking about societal or family pressure.

 

I am talking about man's natural inclinations. And no, not necessarily physical needs.... (especially nowadays when an increasing number of people are satisfying those needs without marriage).

 

We are inclined towards marriage. I am sure you know at least one of the following:

 

- Someone who was convinced he would never get married, but then ended up getting married

- Someone who was divorced and hated his marriage, but ended up getting re-married

 

We are inclined towards marriage. It doesn't matter if most marriages are happy or miserable, because it is what we strive for. It is what we want. Nobody wants to die unmarried, and nobody admires people who abstain from marriage (unless they're a monk or nun or something).

 

It won't really do us any good to analyze and assess whether the pros outweigh the cons. It makes no difference whether the pros outweigh the cons, and it makes no difference whether you will be mostly happy or mostly miserable. God created us in a way that we are inclined toward marriage. This is why marriage exists in pretty much the same format, in every single culture. (The exceptions to this are so insignificant that they are not worth mentioning)

 

 

 

Also, as some others have mentioned in other threads: we have to understand that when a person talks about their marriage problems, it is because their problems pushed them into a situation where they feel the need to talk about it. If they aren't having any problems in their marriage, they are not likely to talk about their marriage. We need to consider this; if our sample population is only the people who talk about their marriage, then naturally, almost all of these people will be dissatisfied with their marriage.

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I am aware of the many benefits, but the negatives seem more prevalent.  At least in my perception, and what I see/hear/read. 

 

No one gets to hear when a couple makes romance but everyone gets to hear when they fight.

 

Bad news travels fast.

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If marriage is such hard work, and all these endless traps and conflicts, why get married at all?

 

Can somebody tell me the benefit of all this again?  And why the benefits outweigh the negatives?  Because all I see are negatives.  All people talk about are negatives. 

Companionship and intimacy. Humans are made to want these things.

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