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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Khalilallah

Ahmed Needs Some Sisterly Opinions.

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Sallam dear sisters and brothers

 

1. My friend Ahmed is wondering how important looks are for young women when choosing to either accept a proposal from a man or reject it.

 

Ahmed has a good face, and personality, and he is tall. He also has a well respected family background, so he is not repulsive, and the parents of the girl will be happy to accept.

 

however Ahmed has a belly which pops out, not too much, just 4 fingers above his chest at max. the belly is hardly visible when he wears his traditional Afghan dress, but with a t shirt it is visible. That is about the only defect he has.

 

How important are looks for young women, who are also religious and pretty :Hijabi: .

 

 

2. How would you react to your husband if he wanted you to live with his parents in the same house for only 2 years? Ahmed has a big bedroom which is privately his, and the house is big, also Ahmed's parents are very nice people.

 

After 2 years Ahmed and wife will have their own place, inshallah. So what should Ahmed expect from his religious and pretty wife (if she says yes)? 

Edited by SF Taha

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If Ahmed wants a wife who is pretty, he should work on his looks.

 

If Ahmed wants a wife who is religious, he should work on his iman.

 

Most women will want to live in a private place, but this varies by culture.  As long as he states it upfront, he might find a lady who will agree to live with his parents in his childhood bedroom.  

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Ahmed does work on his looks, he has lost a lot of weight over the years and has grown tall, which distributes weight making him look better.

 

Ahmed needs a wife to complete his Iman.

 

Ahmed is studying full time, it is not his childhood bedroom! he never had a childhood bedroom.

 

Also there are other people in our community who have married and live with their parents, it is actually seen as cruel and unfair on parents and sons are seen as evil if they leave their parents.

Edited by SF Taha

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Ahmed does work on his looks, he has lost a lot of weight over the years and has grown tall, which distributes weight making him look better.

 

Ahmed needs a wife to complete his Iman.

 

Ahmed is studying full time, it is not his childhood bedroom! he never had a childhood bedroom.

 

Also there are other people in our community who have married and live with their parents, it is actually seen as cruel and unfair on parents and sons are seen as evil if they leave their parents.

 

Perfect.  He should have no problems.  I hope your friend Ahmed finds a beautiful and pious wife who will help him grow in Islam and as a human.

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Also, the girl is studying, the parents and the girl might say "I want to finish my studies", Ahmed wants her to finish her studies, but can't she do that whilst living with Ahmed?

 

Absolutely.  He should offer to make supporting her while she finishes her studies part of the marriage agreement.  

 

Also, I recommend avoiding having children while she is studying.  He can complete his studies while raising children, but things are much more difficult for mothers, especially young mothers.  Now, if your friend and his young wife don't want to avoid having children, or if Allah wills it in spite of preventative measures, it's manageable.  It's just much harder.  (I know this first hand.)

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Sallam dear sisters and brothers

 

1. My friend Ahmed is wondering how important looks are for young women when choosing to either accept a proposal from a man or reject it.

 

Ahmed has a good face, and personality, and he is tall. He also has a well respected family background, so he is not repulsive, and the parents of the girl will be happy to accept.

 

however Ahmed has a belly which pops out, not too much, just 4 fingers above his chest at max. the belly is hardly visible when he wears his traditional Afghan dress, but with a t shirt it is visible. That is about the only defect he has.

 

How important are looks for young women, who are also religious and pretty :Hijabi: .

 

 

2. How would you react to your husband if he wanted you to live with his parents in the same house for only 2 years? Ahmed has a big bedroom which is privately his, and the house is big, also Ahmed's parents are very nice people.

 

After 2 years Ahmed and wife will have their own place, inshallah. So what should Ahmed expect from his religious and pretty wife (if she says yes)? 

 

Bismillah.

 

Salaam.

 

This issue and the reaction of hypothetical girl totally depends on the situation and their communication (proposal and ...); in some cases the girl maybe likes him as so that there is nothing important than him for her. You can not have a general consequence for this issue.

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

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Why couldnt it be amir or some other name,lol.

Well if she has ordered accepted him and his looks then he doesnt have to change much. Sometimes she might want to change your clothing styles. His hight might make him more attractive in her eyes,most woman seem to like taller guys,including myself.

Living with his parents might not be the best thing for her but it really depends on her culture. If shes afgan maybe she will be more understand,if shes arab am not sure if she will agree. But if your not earning much and studying then she may accepte if for a short time.

It is possible that she can marry ahmed will studying but she may tell you that she wants to put pregence on hold until she finishes studies.

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yes but there is condoms, pills, condoms are 100% unless they rip. in that case there is morning after pill which is 95% effective when you take it within 24 hours, there is also Ahmed asking god not to give him a baby.

 

So it must be very good for Ahmed for god to make him one of the 5%

 

Even if she does become pregnant, it will be hard on her for the last 6 months, then when it is born, Ahmed and his mother are also there.

Edited by SF Taha

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Some on kill me please. NOW!

 

I tell this to everyone - There are 7 billion people - 3.5 men - 3.5 women - 1.16666 billion young women and 1.16666 men for marriage. A lot to choose from. What you find attractive, someone else won't etc.

 

But you won't get  a partner if you have no goals or confidence in life. Aimless and,  unfortunately the poor are rejected out of the POOL of choices, you get what is in your vicinity.  I say this because we are not like the western folk, who go out and constantly mix with the opposite gender, thus giving them a plethora of distinct choices. We have to climb a mountain, over barb-wires, with cuts and bruises, in all weathers, and then having to end up with a nice suit at the top in the hope we get accepted, by the gender and their parents.

 

Also marriage is a competition, everyone is out to get the best catch, and if asked others for advice where to catch, they will only share, if they see an added advantage to themselves.

Edited by D3v1L

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The other problem is Gold, in this stupid culture, people expect me to buy gold on top of mahr and dowry. Can I reject that or should I ask them to give me time to give her gold after her marriage.

In my culture, antique or heirloom jewelry is especially prized. Is it possible for Ahmed to ask his relatives to gift him some jewelry to gift to his future wife?

If not, he can offer to get it later when he is working and able to afford it. The right girl for a poor student will not be greedy.

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yes but there is condoms, pills, condoms are 100% unless they rip. in that case there is morning after pill which is 95% effective when you take it within 24 hours, there is also Ahmed asking god not to give him a baby.

So it must be very good for Ahmed for god to make him one of the 5%

Even if she does become pregnant, it will be hard on her for the last 6 months, then when it is born, Ahmed and his mother are also there.

Condoms are about 85% effective, pills about 97%. These statistics are for being used properly. The morning after pill aborts a fertilized egg before or shortly after it implants. I am not sure it is allowed for Muslims except in life threatening emergencies, but check with your marja.

As I said, reduce your chances but what God wills will be. I'm a mother. Pregnancy is hard from beginning to end, and taking care of an infant is even harder. But, as I said before, if Ahmed's wife becomes pregnant before finishing her studies, things will be difficult but it shouldn't stop her from completing her studies.

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The stereotypes are that girls care less about looks than guys, but that they care more about a comfortable home life + perhaps prestige/accomplishments than guys... or the future likelihood.


 


However, as someone wrote above, there are 7 billion people on earth, and everyone has their own mix of preferences and it can't really be generalized... for pretty much any aspect of a person, you can probably find some who like it (even extra weight) and some who dislike it. 


 


 


For question #2, I think the best option (in basically any case where undergrad students get married) is probably for the guy and girl to keep living with their own parents, because:


 


- If there are siblings involved, they may not be too interested in having someone they don't know come live with them. And perhaps the siblings already have issues of their own they're dealing with, and having someone new in the house would make it more difficult.  


 


- The wife may also not want to have to adjust to so many new people all at once.


 


- Will it be a situation where the the girl is expected to wear a headscarf even at home, except for when she's in the bedroom?  That could be tough.


 


 


I think the transition to married life would be easier if the girl and guy keep living with their own parents.  I don't know about cultural factors, but I think that arrangement would also give more possibilities for matches.


Edited by Bright

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Assalamu'alaikum Wr. Wb. Brother SF Taha,

 

I have no intention to make fun of this matter but to see the word "Ahmed" changed to "I" and "me" and "My"... ... ... ... ... mesmerised me. Moreover, remembering from other topic that You mentioned that you'll get married soon, also... ... ... the similarity... ... ... but, Allah SWT. has His ways. I hope you're not Ahmed and Ahmed is not you, because if it does, the word," has a good face, and personality, and such and such" becomes... ... ... ... ... ... i'd say subjective. In the other hand i hope you're Ahmed, because to observe a men to such length... ... ... worry me.

 

Brother, in simple logic, all you need to survive a marriage are communication and respect each other (see here for Husband and Wife Rights: http://www.imamreza.net/eng/imamreza.php?id=6186 and see here for crash course in marriage: http://www.al-islam.org/from-marriage-to-parenthood-heavenly-path-abbas-and-shaheen-merali these will armed you to the teeth, Insha Allah). The next 2 paragraphs just motivation words for Ahmed, Skip to 3rd paragraphs for summary, because it may sounds OOT.

 

Look Brother, If Allah SWT. created us with the ability to read mind, the world would be a better place, because everyone understand each other. If, you keep thinking what if this and what if that, you'll get nowhere. Speak to her, Talk to her, Listen to her, Communicate. Even Al Qur'an oftenly said, Qul means Say. Qulhuwawllahhu ahad," Say, "He is Allah, [who is] One,". You'd thought you'll get a better understanding if you can get advices, so you can prepare. Have respect for her, She's unique, She's the one you decided to married, she'll be the one you shared your bed with. Remember Brother, in marriage, lets say you have problem you ask for advices from other for what to do, and you do it, and things didnt turned out well, the advisor wouldnt get to sleep in that bed by the end of the day. You'll get to sleep on that bed with awful feeling, and believe me sleeping next to your wive with awful feeling towards her it's not the best feeling. So, tell Ahmed, to ask his future-bride about these questions. It may feel bad, but when you walking out that room, that conversation, you won the war, Insha Allah.

 

About 4 fingers at max. As an advice from man to man, you need to get worried when you cannot see (look down not look into the mirror) your vital when you stand straight, blocked by your belly. It's got nothing to do with appearance, no, it's for your health my good men you need to worry. Do you want to be the one who recite the nikah for your child? I know, death decided by Allah SWT. but we need pray and to put effort. But, do you want to die where you can call your kids, and say farewell and tell them not to fight over what you left for them, then your wife, praising her for everything she did, tell her not to get married (lol), recite du'a Al Adilah. Or, with tubes all over your body, several monitors next to you beeping furiously, in quarantined room, your family crying behind window? Exaggeration, my apology... i tend to get carried away. Listen Brother, do you agree with me or no, if i say, the "good looking guy" criteria we see today in the world is something created by the magazine/media? If you're reading Men's Health, brother, you fall in the category of abolishment. Because, Magazine not selling copies, they sell ads, ads come from manufacturer, manufacturer need money, money come because demand of their product, if there's no demand then create the demand. Inform Ahmed, that Allah SWT. didnt choose the believers by the way a person's look.

 

My advice, would be;

  1. don't be shy, be confident,
  2. talk to the girl, share your thoughts and worries,
  3. listen to what she have to say,
  4. work out the solution that work for you two (Let's finish study first, or lets do it now worry the study later, or lets stay with my parent or your or we'll rent a house in between our university, we'll get loan from parent or bank, i work part-time, we'll pay them later, or we live separate and we make mating-schedule, or ... she could be agreeing with you in every single thing as long she's married to you, Insha Allah.),
  5. Inform both parents, ask for their support and pray to Allah SWT. that things go well.

But, the most important thing, purpose to her first, if she said yes, Insha Allah, great next step. If she said no, all of this becomes a needless worry and we're all here for Ahmed.

 

Alhamdulillah, I thank Allah SWT. for giving me happiness through Ahmed through SF_Taha post. Thank you SF_Taha for sharing your worry to us brother. I pray to Allah SWT. to give Ahmed easiness in his ordeal and guide Ahmed so Ahmed can find victory in what he's looking for. I apology if my "tone" and grammar offended you as i never intend to do so.

 

Wa'alaikumsalam Wr. Wb. Brother & Sister.

Edited by neoyokohama

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Gold is asked for in most cultures. You know the good thing about gold is when your in a hard time you can sell it and get cash fast. Usually thats how the woman helps if she likes her husband and his a good man.

Maybe she can ask for less gold now and you can promise to give more of it later.

Edited by kim.tinkerbell

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Assalamu'alaikum Wr. Wb. Brother SF Taha,

 

 

About 4 fingers at max. As an advice from man to man, you need to get worried when you cannot see (look down not look into the mirror) your vital when you stand straight, blocked by your belly. I

I am not that fat, I can see it clearly. thanks for the advice. I just want to know if looks are as important to women as they are to men?

Gold is asked for in most cultures. You know the good thing about gold is when your in a hard time you can sell it and get cash fast. Usually thats how the woman helps if she likes her husband and his a good man.

Maybe she can ask for less gold now and you can promise to give more of it later.

I can't afford gold at the moment, may be parents will help, but I don't know how much it costs, I am guessing it is very expensive.

Edited by SF Taha

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yes but there is condoms, pills, condoms are 100% unless they rip. in that case there is morning after pill which is 95% effective when you take it within 24 hours, there is also Ahmed asking god not to give him a baby.

 

So it must be very good for Ahmed for god to make him one of the 5%

 

Even if she does become pregnant, it will be hard on her for the last 6 months, then when it is born, Ahmed and his mother are also there.

I had a classmate once who like to share more information about her personal life than I'd expect most people to.  Anyways, she was on the pill, used a condom, and took the morning after pill and she still got pregnant.  Stuff happens.

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Do you not want your wife to be at her best and always look beautiful for you? Then also do your best to look good for her for the sake of Allah. If you cant even be at your best for your wife, how will you be at you best for your Imam (as)? Living with parents is not that big of a deal although it varies from girl to girl.

Good luck.

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As a general rule, yes looks are as important to muslim women as they are to men when choosing a spouse. It's silly to think otherwise. Women are put off by the men they don't find attractive and will reject his proposal. Same way a guy would. One girl may find a "little chubby" perfectly acceptable, another may not. It entirely depends on what else there is about you and the individual you are getting to know. Another general rule, Islam encourages physical compatibility between spouses. So whether a girl is pleased with your appearance is likley to depend on what she looks like herself and whether she thinks you match each other well appearance wise.

Edited by keys2paradise

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