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In the Name of God بسم الله

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(bismillah)

 

  (salam) 

 

inshAllah you are well. I've noticed that sometimes its difficult to get an honest answer from couples you know personally because, let's face it, very few people want to reveal personal details about their lives (which is completely sane!) and the usual advice shared seems pretty general, so I thought a forum could potentially give some 'privacy.'

 

I'd like to use your experience to attain a bigger picture of marriage. 

 

Without revealing too much about your personal lives, as a married individual, what kind of experienced advice can you give non married brother/sisters in making one of the most important decisions in their lives, marriage? For example, realistically speaking, what attributes in your spouse/yourself seem to be main character players in your marriage, and what seem to be of less importance that you once thought was important? Should you go checking down a checklist or do you advise developing some sort of halal 'feelings/attachements' before hand? 

 

Please mention your gender to enable us to have a more complete picture of your advice. 

 

Your help is greatly appreciate and may Allah swt reward you for your efforts inshAllah!

 

jazakAllah khairan,

 

mysterious secrets 

Edited by Mysterious secrets

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Bismillah.

 

Salaam wr.

 

There are some criteria have been mentioned in our narrations that everyone should consider for his/her future spouse. The most important criterion which has to be considered in the first step, is religious criterion. Allah (s) says in the Qur’an:

 

"وَ لا تَنْكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكاتِ حَتَّى يُؤْمِنَّ وَ لَأَمَةٌ مُؤْمِنَةٌ خَيْرٌ مِنْ مُشْرِكَةٍ وَ لَوْ أَعْجَبَتْكُمْ وَ لا تُنْكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكينَ حَتَّى يُؤْمِنُوا وَ لَعَبْدٌ مُؤْمِنٌ خَيْرٌ مِنْ مُشْرِكٍ وَ لَوْ أَعْجَبَكُمْ أُولئِكَ يَدْعُونَ إِلَى النَّارِ وَ اللَّهُ يَدْعُوا إِلَى الْجَنَّةِ وَ الْمَغْفِرَةِ بِإِذْنِهِ وَ يُبَيِّنُ آياتِهِ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَذَكَّرُون"

 

“Do not marry idolatresses until they embrace faith. A faithful slave girl is better than an idolatress, though she should impress you. And do not marry] your daughters [to idolaters until they embrace faith. A faithful slave is better than an idolater, though he should impress you. Those invite] others [to the Fire, but Allah invites to paradise and pardon, by His will, and He clarifies His signs for the people so that they may take admonition” (2:221)

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

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"Religious" is not the same as good.

Don't rush. If you are unsure either wait or say no.

Any red flag before marriage when they are still trying to impress you needs to result in an instant "no".

It's better to be alone than married badly.

I am female, divorced from "well educated very religious Syed Shia man" who left me and his daughter without food and homeless.

Edited by notme

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If modesty is important to you, make it your top priority. It sounds silly, but you will be dealing with opposite gender everyday and if your spouse is too friendly with opposite gender, it will create problems everyday. It's tricky because some people are very reserved with non-Muslims but when they are with their own family or shias, they act completely different.

The other important thing is responsible behavior. Find out what the person has been doing after completing education or how long did it take them to complete their education and why? There are some people who want to spend their whole lives just socializing, hanging out with friends and partying. That is a big problem. It's important that  you share the same values. Even for shias, different set of values are important. For some families, modesty is  a big thing while for others being anti-social and cutting ties with relatives is a big problem. If people are struggling with one kind of sin, they have more tolerance for other people struggling with that sin.

Another important thing is to find someone who knows how to live within their means. If someone has a big student loan for a degree which will not help them  get a better job (I am not talking about health related fields)or a single person living in  a single family house, that is a problem.

The most important quality is that your spouse has to be reliable during hard times. It's one thing to not willing to help someone during hard time, but there are some people who are always looking for a chance to exploit a person who is going through problems. 

.Make sure your spouse likes you and is not just pretending. You can live with someone you don't like but it's very hard to spend life with someone who doesn't like you. 

Edited by Mokhtar2012

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"Religious" is not the same as good.

Don't rush. If you are unsure either wait or say no.

Any red flag before marriage when they are still trying to impress you needs to result in an instant "no".

It's better to be alone than married badly.

I am female, divorced from "well educated very religious Syed Shia man" who left me and his daughter without food and homeless.

Thanks so much for your response sister, may Allah swt give you and your family patience inshAllah! Allah swt tests his strongest moemens with the hardest tasks.

 

Are 'red flags' a more of a gut feeling sort of thing, or are they things you notice odd but brush away by assuming they'd change? 

The person has to be good and God fearing. That's it. Even if he is not religious you can change him later.

Also if you have certain priorities that you are looking in your spouse to be then definitely make sure the top priorities are met

 Thanks so much for your advice. How malleable do they have to be to make the change possible? should the change be more like a minute tweaking or?

If modesty is important to you, make it your top priority. It sounds silly, but you will be dealing with opposite gender everyday and if your spouse is too friendly with opposite gender, it will create problems everyday. It's tricky because some people are very reserved with non-Muslims but when they are with their own family or shias, they act completely different.

The other important thing is responsible behavior. Find out what the person has been doing after completing education or how long did it take them to complete their education and why? There are some people who want to spend their whole lives just socializing, hanging out with friends and partying. That is a big problem. It's important that  you share the same values. Even for shias, different set of values are important. For some families, modesty is  a big thing while for others being anti-social and cutting ties with relatives is a big problem. If people are struggling with one kind of sin, they have more tolerance for other people struggling with that sin.

Another important thing is to find someone who knows how to live within their means. If someone has a big student loan for a degree which will not help them  get a better job (I am not talking about health related fields)or a single person living in  a single family house, that is a problem.

The most important quality is that your spouse has to be reliable during hard times. It's one thing to not willing to help someone during hard time, but there are some people who are always looking for a chance to exploit a person who is going through problems. 

.Make sure your spouse likes you and is not just pretending. You can live with someone you don't like but it's very hard to spend life with someone who doesn't like you. 

Thank you so much for your insight, very useful viewpoints alhamdolellah.

How do you know he actually 'likes' you and it's not pretense? I tend to have my guards are up a lot, thinking they're after everything other than who I actually am as an individual. I find it hard to tell if things are genuine or not--- am I supposed to go with a gut feeling or ...? Why is this so difficult :( 

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Bismillah.

 

Salaam wr.

 

There are some criteria have been mentioned in our narrations that everyone should consider for his/her future spouse. The most important criterion which has to be considered in the first step, is religious criterion. Allah (s) says in the Qur’an:

 

"وَ لا تَنْكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكاتِ حَتَّى يُؤْمِنَّ وَ لَأَمَةٌ مُؤْمِنَةٌ خَيْرٌ مِنْ مُشْرِكَةٍ وَ لَوْ أَعْجَبَتْكُمْ وَ لا تُنْكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكينَ حَتَّى يُؤْمِنُوا وَ لَعَبْدٌ مُؤْمِنٌ خَيْرٌ مِنْ مُشْرِكٍ وَ لَوْ أَعْجَبَكُمْ أُولئِكَ يَدْعُونَ إِلَى النَّارِ وَ اللَّهُ يَدْعُوا إِلَى الْجَنَّةِ وَ الْمَغْفِرَةِ بِإِذْنِهِ وَ يُبَيِّنُ آياتِهِ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَذَكَّرُون"

 

“Do not marry idolatresses until they embrace faith. A faithful slave girl is better than an idolatress, though she should impress you. And do not marry] your daughters [to idolaters until they embrace faith. A faithful slave is better than an idolater, though he should impress you. Those invite] others [to the Fire, but Allah invites to paradise and pardon, by His will, and He clarifies His signs for the people so that they may take admonition” (2:221)

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

Thank you for the insight! 

If you are good looking or super hot looking with a good face and thin and curvy body, 99% of men will not care about anything else when they marry you, and they will be so in love with you!

 

But it's a two way lane, I have to accept him as well :) for me being so 'in love' doesn't complete all the attributes i'm looking in for a guy...he needs to be a legit 'man' 

Be honest to each other from the first day when you meet any potential candidate.

Thank you for your insight, very useful alhamdolellah!

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I think the pre-marriage thinking revolves around physical attraction and romance and intimacy... you're mostly just fantasizing about these things but they become less important after marriage, what matters is if you can equally enjoy each other's company in the absence of lust. 

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The person has to be good and God fearing. That's it. Even if he is not religious you can change him later.

Also if you have certain priorities that you are looking in your spouse to be then definitely make sure the top priorities are met

 

Don't marry a project, ie someone you plan on changing because chances are you are not going to change him. Try to marry someone with a level of piety and goodness that you can see foresee yourself living with for the rest of your life. 

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"Religious" is not the same as good.

Don't rush. If you are unsure either wait or say no.

Any red flag before marriage when they are still trying to impress you needs to result in an instant "no".

It's better to be alone than married badly.

I am female, divorced from "well educated very religious Syed Shia man" who left me and his daughter without food and homeless.

+1000000

can't stress enough on what she said.....

religious does not automatically mean a good human being, I fell into the trap, don't want others to.

don't trust blindly just because he never misses namaz and fasts....he might be very good at "huqqoq  Allah" and very poor at " huqooq el ebaad"

Edited by starlight

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When ever I show my wallet, I automatically can be or not be legit. Excuses of how good or bad can change without prejudice. :shaytan:

 

Interesting labels. MY opinion

 

Religious = Self pleasure seeking

Human being  = Self sacrifice.

 

Therefore, how can one appear or be truly religious, if they have never understood what it means to be a human being.

 

 

btw Sf Taha is looking for a ........

Edited by D3v1L

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