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In the Name of God بسم الله

Istikhara And Marriage

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A shia guy and I have been talking for a few weeks now. We both are starting to have feelings for each other. I told my mom right off the bat about him as I didn't want to keep anything from her. He, on the other hand, has not told his parents yet. He is saying that he will tell his mom soon (in the next week or so) and will have her do istikhara before we proceed any further. He said that while he doesn't need istikhara, his mom will only go forward if she does this.

 

I am just stressed that the istikhara will come out bad. I told him that if it comes out negative we will need to stop talking to eachother and just ends things right here.

 

How does istikhara work? When does it come out positive and when will it come out negative? I feel scared thinking that it will come out negative and we will need to stop...

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Are you sure he has feelings for you? Someone who let's his mom decide for him (and that also with istekhara) is not worth your time because it shows he does not have a mind of his own. If he were to say that he is not sure and that he really needs a to do istekhara for himself, then that would make sense. But this kind of behavior of letting his mom decide based on istekhara is unheard of. Who let's his mom decide based on istekhara?!! I know I should be giving the benefit of the doubt but it seems like he might not be having the same kind of strong feeling you have for him. Marriage is all about commitment and some guys are just not yet ready for that kind of commitment. They sometimes need an excuse to escape(without being mean) if they have to. In any case I wouldn't waste my time with such a person if I were you.

This whole thing is so ridiculous. Of he was going to let his mom decide through istekhara why did he spend so much time talking with you? Why did allow for feelings between the two of you to grow? My advice, don't even get involved with such a family (they seem to have no regard for both of your feelings).

Wish you and him well

Masalama

Ethereal

Edited by eThErEaL
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When I got first married, my ex-mother in law did Istikhara and it came out good (it was an arranged marriage).  Seven years later she was having an affair and our marriage ended in divorce. So as far as my experience is concerned, a good Istikhara will not guarantee anything. Today someone started a topic "Can Anybody Tell Me Why We Do Istikhara?" by Nihaanoor, and according to her, it doesn't make things better.  I would say you need to make sure that he is committed to you first.

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aggggggh this issue severely concerns me. Why is Istikhara suddenly determining every marriage!! soooooo many people have a looong relationship, all is good and well, and suddenly an istikhara is done and it turns out bad and they BREAK IT OFF|! Why the hell do they go through allll of that, then decide NOT TO proceed? It is NOT WAJIB to even act on it! so why do it?!!! it is beyond me. It really is. 

 

it is supposed to happen IF YOU ARE IN DOUBT! not when everything is well, aql is used, research is done, islamic criteria is met, families have met so what more is needed! aghhh 

 

I'm sorry about the shouting. It is just getting soo bad nowadays I can't explain to you. And it is a huge cultural thing. As for your situation sister, he shouldn't have spoken to you in the first place if he was going to base it on istikhara and his mother (as mentioned before) why was he wasting your time? You aren't even meant to have feelings for each other yet any how.. It shouldn't have gone so far. He should have told his parents first if he was genuinely serious... And can I ask you if you are shia yourself? If you are not, is there a guarantee your parents will agree? everything also depends on your whole situation too. You can be the best judge of that as you know it better.

 

Istikhara is when you are in complete doubt about a decision that you want to make and you totally do not know what to do. There are different types, holy Qur'an, two rakah salah, through a dream etc. Marriage is based on Islamic criteria, aql and research. There have been many cases where istikhara has come out good on really bad (wife-beating) situations. Istikhara may look at a certain situation in a certain way. It wouldn't determine your WHOLE future. Your future is based on the actions you choose to do within the limited free-will Allah gave you. 

 

Sister, I'm personally do not think you should go ahead with this. I think it would cause you problems. This guy needs to take responsibility on his own shoulders. Yes consulting parents is good, but to base his decisions on that? no way. It is like he took you for a ride. and my sister, you are worth much more than that. 

 

ma'slaam.

Edited by 786repenting
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Salaam

I don't agree with such strong opinions brothers and sisters have.

Pls you can't read couple of lines shared by OP to assassinate character of person you know nothing of.

He might not be needing istikhara for all you know and maybe just honoring desire of elders to rely on it.

Judging him and immediately painting him unworthy of marriage by reading between the lines isn't a good advice.

As for bother and many more people I know who did istikhara and their marriage didn't go well please remember

A. Istikhara is seeking from Allah's knowledge what's better choice. It isn't guarantee from Allah that now that you've asked all your problems related to the option are removed. It's just knowing better among the two courses. Maybe other was even worse.

B. Our actions determine our path not the direction. You cant seek help from a friend on which car is best for you, buy it, drive it rash then put it back on your friend saying his advice wasn't good.

C. Tie the camel: A Bedouin was entering mosque leaving his camel without tying it's rope. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) asked him why did you not tie the camel?. He replied I've left it to Allah's protection. Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "go tie the rope first and then leave into Allah's protection"

There is lot of wisdom in this simple hadith.

Do your background check, assessment, compatibility etc before you seek istikhara.

D. Many hadith from Imams recommend it highly to do istikhara and express surprise at those who fail to avail from this option to seek guidance from Allah. No it isn't to be just used in "doubt" but wherever Allah's guidance can help you avert harm. Only places it's redundant is when command of Allah to do or not do something is clear. Like offering wajibats.

Was salaam

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Salaam

I don't agree with such strong opinions brothers and sisters have.

Pls you can't read couple of lines shared by OP to assassinate character of person you know nothing of.

He might not be needing istikhara for all you know and maybe just honoring desire of elders to rely on it.

Judging him and immediately painting him unworthy of marriage by reading between the lines isn't a good advice.

As for bother and many more people I know who did istikhara and their marriage didn't go well please remember

A. Istikhara is seeking from Allah's knowledge what's better choice. It isn't guarantee from Allah that now that you've asked all your problems related to the option are removed. It's just knowing better among the two courses. Maybe other was even worse.

B. Our actions determine our path not the direction. You cant seek help from a friend on which car is best for you, buy it, drive it rash then put it back on your friend saying his advice wasn't good.

C. Tie the camel: A Bedouin was entering mosque leaving his camel without tying it's rope. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) asked him why did you not tie the camel?. He replied I've left it to Allah's protection. Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "go tie the rope first and then leave into Allah's protection"

There is lot of wisdom in this simple hadith.

Do your background check, assessment, compatibility etc before you seek istikhara.

D. Many hadith from Imams recommend it highly to do istikhara and express surprise at those who fail to avail from this option to seek guidance from Allah. No it isn't to be just used in "doubt" but wherever Allah's guidance can help you avert harm. Only places it's redundant is when command of Allah to do or not do something is clear. Like offering wajibats.

Was salaam

 

Good post. it's not judging him, its discussing based on what information was given to us. She made it clear that he was talking to her and now wants to talk to his mother and do istikara. It isn't fair on her for him to suddenly do that and then say no after giving her hope is it? And it isn't assassinating her character, its explaining and caring for a sister who is in this situation.No-one is forcing her, it is just advice, and it is upto her what advice she takes. Istikhara is often done because people want guidance as they do not know what to do. it is often done so when people doubt. Yes, exactly, it isn't a guarantee from Allah the almighty forever. 

 

 

Wasalam.

Edited by 786repenting
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Hmmm

Check other posts there are judgemental statements.

For OP

1 talking is two way process

2 talking isn't giving hopes

3 seeking go ahead from elders isn't wrong

4 seeking istikhara by self or others isn't haram

5 declaration of marriage process sounds funny to expect, everyone have their priorities and not everyone is taught on how to marry. Expect such lapses.

6 he didn't deny marrying, only expressed that if istikhara is negative he won't go ahead. That's fair.

7 if istikhara is positive good for both of you if it's negative same holds true

8 if you doubt that he might use istikhara to escape from you, don't marry someone you can't trust to start with.

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I believe that istikhare is not leaving the decision to chance!

However, I think if someone wants to do it, it's better to do it before starting to talk.

This is exactly what the guy's mom is doing! She first does the istikhare and then goes forward.

Since the guy knew that his mom would do istikhare, he should have talked to her from the beginning.

Now, I think you should plan for the worst, and  pray for the best.

 

One simple fact, which might be irrelevant, is that no one can do istikhare for someone else.

The guy's mom only can do istikhare for herself (to go forward or whatever), unless the guy also wants to do the istikhare.

The other simple fact, which also might be irrelevant, is that guys don't need their parents' permission to get married.

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I believe that istikhare is not leaving the decision to chance!

However, I think if someone wants to do it, it's better to do it before starting to talk.

This is exactly what the guy's mom is doing! She first does the istikhare and then goes forward.

Since the guy knew that his mom would do istikhare, he should have talked to her from the beginning.

Now, I think you should plan for the worst, and  pray for the best.

 

One simple fact, which might be irrelevant, is that no one can do istikhare for someone else.

The guy's mom only can do istikhare for herself (to go forward or whatever), unless the guy also wants to do the istikhare.

The other simple fact, which also might be irrelevant, is that guys don't need their parents' permission to get married.

 

Please give source for the bold part above. Thanks.

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Suppose I'm starting a business and my brother knows that.

Let say he decides to do istikhara for me without me knowing it or wanting to do it.

I believe that this istikhara doesn't have authenticity, and I wouldn't act upon it.

 

Here is a Q&A from sistani.org

Question: When is it good or necessary to see an Istikhara?

Answer: Istikhara is done when you are confused and perplexed.

One must first of all consult experts or wise individuals to see if he can reach a decision.

If after consultation he still remains confused, he can then do Istikhara.

 

So, as you can see, how can my brother do istikhara for me when I'm not confused or perplexed?

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It's really going off topic. So this shall be my last response.

If by 'source' you mean a hadith, then I couldn't find any.

But if you mean "what's your reason?", then:

Istikhara is an Arabic verb. It means seeking and asking the best from Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala).

If there is no seeking and asking, whatever it is, it is not istikhara!

Edited by SeyedMajid
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Alhamdolillah you've realised it.

Istikhara can be done either by self or others.

You'll not find any hadith that forbids it.

This isn't wajibaat that needs to be done by self.

In fact it should be done by those firm in faith because Allah doesn't guide unjust or those who disobey.

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It seems that you misunderstood me.

In fact, I've been asking others to do istikhara on behalf of me, and this is not what I'm talking about!

This is doing istikhara on behalf of someone else. You make a niyyah and then someone else does it on behalf of you.

Please read my example one more time and you may understand what I meant by doing istikhara for someone else.

Doing istikhara for someone else is like making a covenant vow for someone else, while they're not aware of it:

"If I pass my exam, it will be obligatory upon my mother to pay $100 to a poor man, for the sake of Allah."

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Istikhara in the sense of asking Allah to provide you with what is best is fine, and this is what the Imams recommended. However, doing an Istikhara as a way of finding out whether a marriage is suitable or not makes no sense. You only resort to Istikhara of that sort when there is no way of coming to a decision through rational means, which is rarely the case with marriage. Not to mention that if this was a guarantee of anything then presumably the Imams wouldn't have ended up with bad wives.

Read this post:

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/234958318-istikhara/?p=1824259

I'll just quote the view of Sayyid Khomeini on this issue:

However, there are examples that people who are against Istikhara mention, such as the incident in which there was a girl who liked a young boy and in all ways, were compatible with each other, but after talking with one another, the Istikhara was performed and it came out 'bad' and the discussion ended there. Another example is about a person who wanted to purchase a house. Everything was fine and in all ways, the house was ideal ‑ he performed an Istikhara and it came out bad, so he decided not to purchase the house.

It is clear that the reply to them and thousands of people like these regarding the Istikhara (and the proper use of it), is that in instances such as these, only one who has no intelligence, who is defiant, and who does not have a correct understanding of the Istikhara would perform it in these instances.

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marrying someone based on istikharah is equivalent to marrying someone based on the result of a coin toss. Be that coin holy, such practices are superstition.

Superstition has nothing to do with the actual message of Islam.

The reports on the practice of istikharah by Qur'an or rosary are not Mutawatir. The problem is most mujtahids of today treat aahaad as if they are as authoritative as mutawatir. This totally disgusts me but that is another topic.

Edited by reformist
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