Do Islamic Marriages Lack Romance?

[Saintly_Jinn23]

What do you think?

 

From my perspective, it seems like marriage in Islamic communities are treated as purely a duty or a kind of respectful business partnership, but then I probably don't have enough interaction with other Muslims to make too many sweeping judgments. I do however feel like if I'm not going for a degree in engineering, there's no point in me looking for a spouse.

[Ethics]

What do you mean by romance? One cannot conclude based on the outwardly experience. Islamically, romance, what ever it may be, is shown in private. Love is definitely there. My own parents for example, are very affectionate. I can tell this from the words they use, and when they describe one another. Within Islam, it is not recommended to be lovey dovey in front of people (by that I do not mean be like two robots), modesty goes out the window. At the same time, within Islam, romance, love, all of it, is highly recommended. Just take a look at a few books on the ethics of marriage and such in Islam. Also, at the end of the day, it also depends on the person at hand, and not the faith of which they are following. There are sooo many things in islam that people dont care to do or strive to do...

 

(wasalam)

Edited August 10, 2014 by PureEthics

[Saintly_Jinn23]

What do you mean by romance? 

 

I'm not really sure to be perfectly honest. There's so little written on the subject by contemporary Muslim scholars and they mostly just blame the desire for "romance" on Western movies corrupting our minds with fanciful thoughts, rather than discussing the concept of romance itself as it has been interpreted historically

 

 

Just take a look at a few books on the ethics of marriage and such in Islam. 

 

I have. To be honest, from what I have found, they don't really address the idea of developing a personal relationship with another person too well. They focus more on stuff like "Allah (swt) says you need to share the household duties," than anything else.

[ImamAliLover]

Salam, it depends highly on the two (or more ;)) people, regardless of the religion.  i've seen a number of Muslim couples (young and old) who are romantic enough to make a movie out of them and i've seen others who are not.  And same thing with non-Muslims. 

 

We see in the seerah of the Prophet (pbuh) that he (pbuh) used to laugh and joke with his wives and have fun with them.  We've all probably heard the famous story from Sunnis that the Prophet (pbuh) raced with 'A'isha a couple of times.

 

 

And there's a number of books on romance in Islamic marriages but tbh i tend to just read Islamic books in Arabic so i don't know what's there in English but they're probably out there.

 

But there's several videos in English that put out this point:

 

But look closely at the life of the Prophet (pbuh) and his (pbuh) relationship with his wives and you won't find a better example :)

[Ethics]

 

I have. To be honest, from what I have found, they don't really address the idea of developing a personal relationship with another person too well. They focus more on stuff like "Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì says you need to share the household duties," than anything else.

 

Dear brother, no one can teach you how to love. Love is a bond created between people. It is something that is made up of many things like experiences you went through, why you want that person, what makes that person special in your eyes, etc... Did someone teach you how to have a relationship with your mother? What Islam does is provide guidelines of how to overcome obstacles and what you shouldnt do so that the right way of doing it becomes apparent.

 

The Almighty Allah refers to this bond of love and affection of a husband and wife in the Qur'an:

 

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

 

"And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect (30:21)."

 

"Imam Rida (a.s) stated: 'Some women are blessings for their husbands who express their love and affection'."15

 

"The Holy Prophet (S) stated: 'The best of you among women are those who possess love and affection'."16

 

"Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) stated: 'When you love someone, let the person know'."17

 

http://www.al-islam.org/principles-marriage-family-ethics-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini

http://www.al-islam.org/islamic-marriage-syed-athar-husain-sh-rizvi

http://www.duas.org/matri.htm

[reformist]

The simple answer is to look at your parents marriage, does it lack romance?

 

Most probably you will answer yes.

 

It doesn't have to be that way. Potential couples need to be educated on how to

 

keep the spark alive in marriage, on what to do and how to do it.

 

That education is exactly what our parents lacked. We should not deprive the new

 

generation.

[Ethics]

The simple answer is to look at your parents marriage, does it lack romance?

 

Most probably you will answer yes.

 

 

You cannot say that without substantial evidence. If anything, as I mentioned before romance can be outwardly and inwardly. Even with your own parents. Maybe they choose not to be romantic in front of their child. How do you know? Just because you dont see it, doesnt mean it isnt there.

[Deewan]

Quite frankly, I'm not sure what an "Islamic" marriage is. But to the extent that I can tell, anything that you want to stick the adjective "Islamic" in front of, sucks as a rule.

[Ibn al-Hussain]

(salam)

We should probably dwell into trying to define romance first (whether historically speaking or what it implies in current times). What entails it, whether all elements of it are Islamic or not, and then go on from there to see whether Muslim couples fit into the definition or not. Nevertheless, what can probably be attested to is that most Muslim couples don't show this romance (whatever it entails) in public.

 

Wassalam

[El Cid]

(salam)

We should probably dwell into trying to define romance first (whether historically speaking or what it implies in current times). What entails it, whether all elements of it are Islamic or not, and then go on from there to see whether Muslim couples fit into the definition or not. Nevertheless, what can probably be attested to is that most Muslim couples don't show this romance (whatever it entails) in public.

 

Wassalam

 

Islamic Romance pretty much:

 

Husband:

"I am home." 

"Make me Tea."

"Why are your children always screaming?"

"No we can't go out, I am tired."

-Random Fight about little things.-

"Wallah, keep the kids quiet already".

 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

[Ali Musaaa :)]

Islamic Romance pretty much:

 

Husband:

"I am home." 

"Make me Tea."

"Why are your children always screaming?"

"No we can't go out, I am tired."

-Random Fight about little things.-

"Wallah, keep the kids quiet already".

 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

 

 

Theres nothing Islamic about that.

 

Maybe minus the chai.. Good chai is Mustahab! :P

Edited August 10, 2014 by Ali Musaaa :)

[Umm Fatima]

I think it's strange that unmarried people would comment on romance!

As for examining your parents' marriages, once you have kids the nature of marriage changes, no matter the religion. An Islamic marriage, in a real sense, doesn't follow cultural norms because Islam is beyond norms, so looking at Arab marriages or Desi marriages etc won't give you insight as to what Islamic marriages entail unless the couple really looks at Islam before culture. Which in my experience is rare.

I find marriages between Muslims more romantic than Western marriages because there's that innocent sense of trust intact. Years of dating annihilates that.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Umm Fatima

[mina]

Salam

Romantic is a large word...to me it means a certain created atmosphere not necessarily bound to a person but buildings.I think an empty football stadium has a romantic atmosphere, that is probably strange for most people.At least everybody has a different definition.Within a marriage romantic means to me being passionate and erotic in private and this does not depend on the religion but on the persons character.

Edited August 10, 2014 by mina313

[Servidor]

Can't delete posts, so don't mind or quote me.  :Hijabi:

Edited August 10, 2014 by Servidor

[Gypsy]

What do you mean Islamic communities? What is the ethnicity of the community you are referring too? Sometimes culture has a deeper influence than religion for many people. In certain communities, people generally goes by the wisdom of the elders. If the elders say, Engineers, doctors or lawyers make good husbands, then that's the wisdom that goes into planning of the marriage. If the community gets really silly about language/geographical location, caste/tribe or money then that silliness will project in that community.

 

I don't think you can generalize that Muslim are not capable of romances. Most people are capable of romances but being 'romantic' is an acquired skill, you need to work for it. I think sometimes romances die out in marriages because of other reasons; economical/financial, marital issues, selfishness, interference from family/in laws, depression

Edited August 10, 2014 by Gypsy

[sunrise_786]

Not at all. I attended a marriage course by a scholar who was a marriage expert. It could be the most romantic marriage ever. It all depends on if the people practise the hadiths properly. It emphasies on respect, love, companionship. Just because either people dont have the knowledge or may be into culture rather then religion it doesnt mean it doesnt exist. No marriage can be better in terms of romance than an islamic one. It covers all aspects. It all depends on who genuinely puts narrations in practice and whether they had the chance to select their spouse.

[Jahangiram]

The Prophet (pbuh) was very romantic, you don't need to make it a mechanical or rigid thing...sometimes just be yourself and relax. Just like our nabi lol.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Jahangiram

[monad]

Romance breaks down when reality takes over. It can only establish it self, if there is subservient ship to one another and constant discussions as to how both parties can improve their lives. Stagnated, goalless, sheep breeding marriages are never progressive.

 

Generally, many are romantic-less, because they were forced marriages. okay, Son-daughter marry that other human being there, because WE KNOW what you really like. Ohh and he-she has a high profile job, which should elevate our respect in the village, ohh and we think they are handsome.

 

Hypothetical age : If married at 25, both partners have at least 40 years to live together, what will their goals be?. It just cannot be, procreation, holidays, getting a house, job promotions, cars, sofa, cloths, and the added extra Islamic religiousness. Yes in some aspects it is a business, build something together for the coming generations.

 

And Romance has a cultural bias. What is accepted here is negated a far. But if one marries, they establish how and what kind of romance they prefer.

Edited August 10, 2014 by D3v1L

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

Romance happens depending on the personality type of the spouses. Some people have it in them to be romantic, others don't. I don't have one definition of romance, but for me, it encompasses the following: not being able to keep your hands off of each other, randomly saying "I love you", giving compliments, catching your spouse looking at you, feeling like you don't deserve such a wonderful spouse, putting the other person on a pedestal, giving flowers/chocolate (this is optional). Those are the overt signs of romance. The less obvious ones include going out of one's way to do something nice for one's spouse, doing something thoughtful and sweet, doing something just because your spouse wants it, even if you don't. I'm sure I could go on and on.  

[blu115]

Romance is the attraction that a husband and wife feel in regards to their relationship, sort of how you would like to hold your girlfriends hand.

In other words, affection and interest.

[Sapphire]

Romance happens depending on the personality type of the spouses. Some people have it in them to be romantic, others don't. I don't have one definition of romance, but for me, it encompasses the following: not being able to keep your hands off of each other, randomly saying "I love you", giving compliments, catching your spouse looking at you, feeling like you don't deserve such a wonderful spouse, putting the other person on a pedestal, giving flowers/chocolate (this is optional). Those are the overt signs of romance. The less obvious ones include going out of one's way to do something nice for one's spouse, doing something thoughtful and sweet, doing something just because your spouse wants it, even if you don't. I'm sure I could go on and on.

I love how you explain it sister. I want to be the best wife to my husband. Do whatever pleases him. These tiny things are very important to keep the spark alive in a marriage. I would do all that and so much more to keep him happy.

[sunrise_786]

Sapphire I totally agree, I would want to also do everything and more to please my husband.

[Ali_Hussain]

I frown upon public displays of affection (between husband and wife)

Edited August 10, 2014 by Ali_Hussain

[Saintly_Jinn23]

 

I don't think you can generalize that Muslim are not capable of romances. Most people are capable of romances but being 'romantic' is an acquired skill, you need to work for it. I think sometimes romances die out in marriages because of other reasons; economical/financial, marital issues, selfishness, interference from family/in laws, depression

 

I didn't say "incapable of romance," only that romance does not seem to be much of a factor when it comes to why people get married.

 

I think part of it is because of certain restrictions. Romance tends to be the product of long term friendship or courtship and some Muslim families and scholars disapprove of those things, believing they promote sin and lust or believe they entail violations of basic Islamic laws. As a result, usually marriages are arranged by those other than the two being married and it's thought "well, the love will eventually develop if they're a good match," but I think what is often meant by "love" in this context is more in terms of a kind of mutual respect.

 

I think there are many kinds of love and marriages don't necessarily have to involve two partners who possess that strong and deep longing for one another that tends to come to mind when we think of the word "romance" in order to be "romantic" in some way or to be loving relationships.

 

The problem is when you're raised like me in a Western culture where there's not always an intimate relationship with the extended family, people don't generally arrange marriages, much less for financial reasons, and often a mutual attraction as a result of personal interaction between two individuals is what comes before the relationship even officially begins, there's a feeling like you're probably not going to get married to a Muslim woman unless you're the right ethnicity or race or you have enough money for some guy to want to set you up with his daughter and as a result there is sometimes a sense that Muslims don't believe in any ideas of romantic love and just get married on the basis of obligations, either social or religious.

 

Historically though, romance and "courtly love" isn't foreign to Islamic cultures or a subject untouched by poets and scholars. I suppose from my perspective though and perhaps the perspective others, both converts and non-converts alike, marriage among Muslims in the contemporary world often appears to be such a very dry and stiff sort of thing.  

 

Here I'd add that I think there are some Muslim men who were even born Muslim and are otherwise faithful to their religion who find themselves attracted to non-Muslim women more than Muslim women simply because relationships with non-Muslim women often start solely on the basis of mutual attraction and common interests. Sure, some Muslim men probably think non-Muslim women are easier, but some Muslim men might just feel like they're easier to relax around and more easily approachable. Like with me, I have a lot of niche interests, and the way I make friends with either sex is often on the basis of these interests and there are few Muslim women who share these interests or who, like non-Muslim women have on occasion, approach me themselves because we clearly have shared interests.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Saintly_Jinn23

[Ruq]

Salams,

 

It all depends on how you define romance; its quite a personal thing i think. Some people, for instance, find cut flowers romantic. I dont like cut flowers, so when my husband and i were first together and he came to pick me up, he brought me a potted plant as a gift instead that was just too adorable for words and somehow very romantic. Just doing things together is romantic, sharing things, supporting one another and appreciating one another and those things are all Islamic according to Quran and hadith.

[Marbles]

I think love and romance being human emotions are independent of one's religious beliefs. The religious teachings which apparently seek to regulate these emotions seek to set boundaries only and don't concern themselves with expounding the need, the nature and the dynamics of those emotions. For that we have personal human expression in the form of poetry and literature, and other arts, which amply deal in the exposition of love and romance.

 

The question of to what extent romance is or should be accepted publicly is a social question underpinned by religious considerations and doesn't deal with the notion of romance itself and, therefore, is an entirely different question.

[Saintly_Jinn23]

I think love and romance being human emotions are independent of one's religious beliefs. The religious teachings which apparently seek to regulate these emotions seek to set boundaries only and don't concern themselves with expounding the need, the nature and the dynamics of those emotions. For that we have personal human expression in the form of poetry and literature, and other arts, which amply deal in the exposition of love and romance.

 

The question of to what extent romance is or should be accepted publicly is a social question underpinned by religious considerations and doesn't deal with the notion of romance itself and, therefore, is an entirely different question.

 

Perhaps then the question should not be so much whether romantic love exists or develops between the couples, but whether or not we have enough of a "romantic culture," where such ideals and feelings can be expressed openly without any unnecessary feelings of shame?

 

Like I said, there are some young Shia men who probably express more interest in mutah with Christian girls than a more permanent union with a Muslim girl, which might seem boring and full of all sorts of social obligations and family considerations that get in the way of just being able to relax and enjoy themselves with a partner.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Saintly_Jinn23

[kbsquare]

What do you think?

 

I do however feel like if I'm not going for a degree in engineering, there's no point in me looking for a spouse.

(salam)

This is not just a thought, it's a fact. All the other members who have responded otherwise live in a fairytale. Some of them feel that if they agreed on this fact, that this would somehow decrease Islam.

(wasalam)

[sunrise_786]

(salam)

This is not just a thought, it's a fact. All the other members who have responded otherwise live in a fairytale. Some of them feel that if they agreed on this fact, that this would somehow decrease Islam.

(wasalam)

How can you even judge anyone's life? You dont disagree on any fact of Islam, how would it make sense? That is his choice if he doesnt go and find a spouse isnt it? Islam, its a complete religion. It doesnt decrease an atom.

I often wonder why there is always one who tends to come up with a cynical response

Wasalam

Edited August 11, 2014 by 786repenting

[kbsquare]

How can you even judge anyone's life? You dont disagree on any fact of Islam, how would it make sense? That is his choice if he doesnt go and find a spouse isnt it? Islam, its a complete religion. It doesnt decrease an atom.

I often wonder why there is always one who tends to come up with a cynical response

Wasalam

(salam)

I didn't say anything regarding his possible choice of not finding a spouse. Reread what I wrote and what I was responding to.

(wasalam)

Edited August 11, 2014 by kbsquare

[King]

Like I said, there are some young Shia men who probably express more interest in mutah with Christian girls than a more permanent union with a Muslim girl, which might seem boring and full of all sorts of social obligations and family considerations that get in the way of just being able to relax and enjoy themselves with a partner.

 

Sex is the driving factor when it comes to interest in mutah with christians, its not romance.  Social obligations and considerations exists regardless, which is why most such relationships are kept secret.  

 

Either way, you still have to define what it even means to be romantic, there is the popular definition and then there is a conservative one which is more about private intimacy, care and empathy.  

 

I grew up in a very conservative but loving household where I hardly ever saw my parents embrace each other, but this is what is comfortable for us, it allows us to be very comfortable in a shared space without feeling too awkward. It is quite difficult to judge relationships anyway, a lot of over the top exhibitions of romantic gestures come from insecure couples working overtime to receive public or even personal validation for an otherwise fragile relationship.   Then you have more conservative seemingly distant couples which share a very strong intimate relationship.  Such lines are hard to define anyway, hugs, kisses, holding hands to outright embarrassing displays of affection, where do you draw such lines?  IMO it is best if most intimacy between sexual partners is kept private, this is just a personal view, sort of in line with the islamic perspective but there are others.  There is no doubt that love can be expressed in countless ways and you can have a very special and loving bond without appearing romantic in the popular sense.

Edited August 11, 2014 by King

[Saintly_Jinn23]

Sex is the driving factor when it comes to interest in mutah with christians, its not romance. 

 

The lines are not always that clear though, I think, especially if we use romantic as another word for "strong passion." What I was getting at was that sometimes it's not just "i want quick sex," but also probably "I just want a relationship where I can enjoy the relationship for the relationship's sake." Some people desire a sense of love and companionship, but don't aren't always attracted to or are sometimes afraid of the idea of a long term commitment filled with all sorts of responsibilities that just get in the way of having fun with somebody they like.

 

 

Either way, you still have to define what it even means to be romantic, there is the popular definition and then there is a conservative one which is more about private intimacy, care and empathy.  

 

The manner in which I'm using "romantic" in this sense I suppose is a strong, sense or longing for someone and the desire to be have a relationship with them for the relationship's sake, not just for the sexual aspect, although "relationship," in this sense may entail that.

 

For example, when Muslims get married, it seems less of a case of one person having an attraction to another person and then pursuing them with the intention of contracting either a long term or short term relationship because they have "fallen" for that person. That is they often don't appear to be relationships for the relationship's sake, but tend to involve a lot of parents setting up their kids with the kids of other parents they know who happen to be doctors, engineers and stuff like that and just telling the kids "well, just hurry up and get married, you'll learn to like each other."

 

While I don't say that these marriages are unhappy or that fondness doesn't grow between the couple if they are a right match (at the very least you'll have a sense of mutual respect and loyalty) or that this is true for how all Muslim couples in the West meet and get married, this is very different from how people from my cultural background are used to finding partners. Our families don't often set us up with people and we don't have very intimate relations with our extended families that the thought of how our future spouse will bolster our family's social or economic status as a whole is taken into much consideration. Finding a spouse is often an individual act where one person finds and pursues someone he met at work or at school or some other social function himself and interacts with them until a sense of fondness develops. And often, the financial situation of the two isn't much of a concern as long as one makes "just enough" to provide a sense of relative security. Usually women who marry into money before developing a genuine love for the person are looked down upon or suspected as being gold diggers and thus untrustworthy.

 

So an issue for people like myself who convert to Islam and aren't of any high status is that we often have difficulty finding good long-term companions or perhaps finding Muslim parents who would be interested in introducing us to their daughters or considering us after screening all potential suitors because they're looking for a Muslim either of the same race or nationality or social status or who has a more "promising future," (read as 'more likely to get richer') It's kind of the same reason why some Islamic institutions are more interested in gaining white converts than black converts, since whites are of better economic standing.

[I.A.M]

You are right, some people see it as a duty which is not always a bad thing. But I believe that most of the romance that you are reffering to is happening in private. And then it depends on who is defining romance. For me romance doesnt equals guy buys girl flowers, chocolate, take her to a expensive restaurant and then for a walk under the moonlight. For me romance is inside jokes and doing stuff only you two understand and being able to COMPLETELY be yourself. And then I don't think that whether a couple is romantic or not is based on islam, is just simply how each couple and every person works despite religion. 

[King]

The lines are not always that clear though, I think, especially if we use romantic as another word for "strong passion." What I was getting at was that sometimes it's not just "i want quick sex," but also probably "I just want a relationship where I can enjoy the relationship for the relationship's sake." Some people desire a sense of love and companionship, but don't aren't always attracted to or are sometimes afraid of the idea of a long term commitment filled with all sorts of responsibilities that just get in the way of having fun with somebody they like.

 

The manner in which I'm using "romantic" in this sense I suppose is a strong, sense or longing for someone and the desire to be have a relationship with them for the relationship's sake, not just for the sexual aspect, although "relationship," in this sense may entail that.

 

For example, when Muslims get married, it seems less of a case of one person having an attraction to another person and then pursuing them with the intention of contracting either a long term or short term relationship because they have "fallen" for that person. That is they often don't appear to be relationships for the relationship's sake, but tend to involve a lot of parents setting up their kids with the kids of other parents they know who happen to be doctors, engineers and stuff like that and just telling the kids "well, just hurry up and get married, you'll learn to like each other."

 

While I don't say that these marriages are unhappy or that fondness doesn't grow between the couple if they are a right match (at the very least you'll have a sense of mutual respect and loyalty) or that this is true for how all Muslim couples in the West meet and get married, this is very different from how people from my cultural background are used to finding partners. Our families don't often set us up with people and we don't have very intimate relations with our extended families that the thought of how our future spouse will bolster our family's social or economic status as a whole is taken into much consideration. Finding a spouse is often an individual act where one person finds and pursues someone he met at work or at school or some other social function himself and interacts with them until a sense of fondness develops. And often, the financial situation of the two isn't much of a concern as long as one makes "just enough" to provide a sense of relative security. Usually women who marry into money before developing a genuine love for the person are looked down upon or suspected as being gold diggers and thus untrustworthy.

 

So an issue for people like myself who convert to Islam and aren't of any high status is that we often have difficulty finding good long-term companions or perhaps finding Muslim parents who would be interested in introducing us to their daughters or considering us after screening all potential suitors because they're looking for a Muslim either of the same race or nationality or social status or who has a more "promising future," (read as 'more likely to get richer') It's kind of the same reason why some Islamic institutions are more interested in gaining white converts than black converts, since whites are of better economic standing.

 

Although a lot of muslim marriages are arranged, a lot of participants are actually very interested in having a passionate relationship, I wouldn't say sex is an overwhelming priority or even a priority, especially for women.  Muslims by in large are not all that afraid of long term commitment, most of them desire it more than anything else.  Strong sense of longing etc  feature in most muslim marriages I have seen, at least initially, arranged or otherwise.

 

You are touching on a lot of different topics all at once, arranged marriages have their pros and cons.  The cons are well documented, and most arranged marriages in the west involve a lot of interaction prior to marriage anyway.  I doubt there is any conclusive research to suggest arranged marriages are any less passionate than non arranged ones.  Sometimes going into a relationship focusing on yourself and what you are willing to give is more important than seeking the desired qualities in someone else, marriage is mostly sacrifice anyway.  As far as relationships for the sake of relationships, conservative women are raised to value such arrangements and they are much more likely to stick it out with you and much less likely to get bored than a lot of their western counterparts.  Most men I know complain that traditional women are far more attached and sometimes clingy.  If you are a revert then obviously its quite difficult, that won't just change overnight, you have far better prospects than reverts used to have even 20 years ago, but it is what it is, and it isn't exclusive to muslims, a lot of other cultures/ethnicities tend to stick to their own kind.  

Edited August 11, 2014 by King

[Gotham]

I think love and romance being human emotions are independent of one's religious beliefs. The religious teachings which apparently seek to regulate these emotions seek to set boundaries only and don't concern themselves with expounding the need, the nature and the dynamics of those emotions.

Hmm, I disagree. There are emotions and then there are actions. Islam is a lifestyle. Muslims are given general guidelines on how to act upon our feelings. I don't think Allah has set boundaries that will negatively affect a marriage. Our men are told not to treat their wives like slaves, and to be gentle with them, to be fair. Our women are told to cater to their husband's needs, to be supportive.

How do you treat your spouse after being told not to be hostile, indifferent, and violent towards them? You are respectful and intimate. "intimacy" is incorrectly used when used simply to speak about a physical relationship. It's being close with someone, sharing thoughts and ideas and speaking to one another. There is a physical part to it, but communication is key and I think this is where many couples fall short.

Because how can you have deep conversations with someone you barely know? How can you tell someone sweet things when you married them after knowing them for only a few months? Especially in countries where girls aren't supposed to speak to non-mahrams, it's unsurprising if they don't speak much to their husbands. It's foreign to them. As far as physical intimacy is concerned, there's the same problem. Women (and maybe men, too) have grown up seeing this as taboo, so how can we expect them to be comfortable with it? It seems like many Desi/Arab couples end up having physical intimacy for reproductive purposes/the pleasure of the man.

Edited August 12, 2014 by Gotham