Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
Work

Scared To Appear Shallow

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

selaam bros and sisters.

some time back i wrote here because i could not find any sisters to marry. recently i found a sister who said she will help me. she is my friend's wife. so she has been introducing me to girls she knows. but the big big problem is many of them i dont find attractive. its a big big waste of time meeting these girls and all. i want to tell the sister that this is wasting time for all of us and she should only set up girls who i will like. but i am afraid of how she will respond and i will lose my reputation. what do i do???? i get told by friends that i look good and i have good looking females in my house so i am not used it. i used to gets lots of female attention at school and college. i got asked out on dates and stuff but i rejected because its haram. this sister introduces me to overweight girls too and i am athletic. what do i say to her? i am embarrassed to say anything!!! granted, all of them are religious so she will think i am shallow .... but i cant help it. sigh

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 overweight girls!!!! 

why she suggests you such girls??? 

dont be shy, just tell her that what kind of look you want.

it is your right! no one likes to get married to ugly girls! however you should not judge people because of their looks. 

if someone is decent and innocent  and not very good looking then it is ok.

 

I have a relative who got married to a girl who is  not good looking in his view point. well she is very good wife but you know, I feel he always thinks that he doesn't  like hos wife's face! and so he makes comment about her nose and eyes and ... so his wife is so upset. she has lost her self confidence and she is looking for nose job and ...

this is really a serious matter. you should change your view point and don't judge people about their looks and then try to talk to that lady and ask hr to suggest you what you exactly want. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i dont judge these girls. i sometimes hate my self for rejecting them :( :( it makes me feel completely horrible :( but i know the marriage wont work. i havent got the courage to tell this sister. i might just tell her i dont want to look anymore. i dont want to offend her.

once in the past my aunty did the same thing and got angry because said i didnt like the girls she made me meet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam.

Im speechless...even though i am very skinny..

I speak in defense to the fat ladies.. if they avoid junk food , have no diabetes or cholosterol and maintain a healthy islamic life style, they should not be rejected based on their physical appearence. I thought the idea of hijab was to cover the outside appearence so the inside can be judged fairly..hijab is confidence and hides insecurties that people like you point out.

On another note , I always found fat ladies to be attractive. They have bigger breast and larger bums and fat evrywhere that you can put your head on her and use her as your pillow :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

this is why i am scared. i got know if the sister will react like golden crowned or enlightened. enlightened, not marrying a woman you dont find attractive is sunnah. i am looking for a wife and not a colleague.

The Prophet (Pbuh) told Mughayreh, the son of Shua'ba the son of Shua'ba" who had married a woman: "Had you looked at her before you got married, there was more hope for you to get along with her." [Marriage in Islam , p.47]

Muhammad, the son of Muslim said that he asked Imam Baqir (Pbuh): "Does a man who wants to get married have the right to look at the woman?" He answered: "Yes of course. He wants to purchase with the highest price, yet how can he not look?" [Vasa'il al-Shiia , Introductory chapters on marriage, Chapter 36]

Hassan Sary said: I asked Imam Sadiq (Pbuh): "Is it permissible for the man to take a good look at a woman before he marries her? Can he look at her face and the back of her head?" He answered: "Yes. It is not forbidden to look at the back of her head or look at her face." [Vasa'il al-Shiia, Introductory chapters on marriage, Chapter 36]

A man told the sixth Imam: "Is it permissible for a man to look at a woman's hair and her beauties when he wants to marry her?" He said: "If he wants to become aware of her characteristics it is all right." [Vasa'il al-Shiia , Introductory chapters on marriage, Chapter 36]

In another tradition the Imam was asked: "Is it permissible for the woman to stand up so that the man can see her?" He answered: "Yes, she can even wear clothing showing the form of her body at that time." [Marriage in Islam , p.49]

The Prophet (Pbuh) told a man from his companions who had proposed to marry a woman: "Look at her face and her hands."

These traditions and the like imply that if someone chooses a woman to marry, after he investigates about her family, her faith and morality, it is fine to look at her to learn about her physical features such as her hair, her looks and beauty, her height, and her posture. This will block any future claims about her defects which might otherwise cause disappointment or argument. This does not mean that men can go around to look inside every house and observe all the beauties of the Muslim girls to choose one if they please. [Marriage in Islam , p.49]

2- When you choose a wife and decide to marry her, you must intend to marry to seek God's pleasure, not her beauty, perfection, amorous playfulness or coquetishness. You must act to please God and to abide His decree and to follow the tradition of the divine Prophets, especially the noble Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) There are many important traditions regarding marriage in order to get nearer to God and attain His pleasure cited from the Prophet (Pbuh): One who marries for God's sake, and strives to provide the means for the marriage of others for God's sake, deserves to be a Friend of God. [Muhjat ul-Biyza , v.3, p.54]

The beauty of the spouse has effects on protecting and strengthening the modesty and faith of the spouse. If a spouse is pleased with the beauty of his spouse, he would not divert his sight, mind and practice towards others and would not envy others’ beautiful spouses. As a result, he would not go after strangers and would not commit dishonesty with his wife (both men and women), unless he comes out of the course of nature and does not have a share of faith and modesty.

Islam has emphasized and stressed this point. The Prophet (a.s) said:

إذَا أرادَ أحدُكُم أن يَتَزَوَّجَ المرْأةَ فَلْيَسألْ عَن شَعرِها، كَما يَسأَلُ عَن وَجهِهَا، فإنَّ الشَّعْرَ أحَدُ الجَمالَينِ.

“When one of you intends to marry a woman, he should ask about her hair, just as he asks about her face (beauty), since the hair is one of the two beauties (of women).”

And similarly, it has been recommended that the spouses beautify and decorate themselves for each other and please and satisfy one another to remain safe and sound from deviations, corruption, and debauchery.

When one of the infallible Imams had coloured his blessed hair with Henna (dye made from a shrub), someone surprisingly asked him, “Have you beautified yourself?”

Imam (a.s) said: “Yes! Decorating and beautifying (oneself) increases the modesty of women.”[1]

Indifference and carelessness toward these matters may bring about miseries and scandals.

It is necessary to discuss love and sexual problems separately, which we will do in the chapter under the topic ‘Love, the axis of life’.

Edited by Work

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(wasalam)

 

Have a word with your friend, to tell his wife that you are looking for a certain type of woman, he doesn't have to say that it comes from your mouth, but just that he knows you and what you would like. That way, you won't have to loose face in front of his wife.

 

Perhaps he can vet the candidates before you are introduced to them.

 

 

(This thread could really hurt some people's feelings)

Edited by Ali_Hussain

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

good idea ali_hussain. i will try that. now what do you do when you havent got a friend who can do that? i have been here before and i quit. what can we do??

"(This thread could really hurt some people's feelings)"

beauty is in the eye of the beholder. no one should get really upset. i am sure some people think i am ugly. i dont get hurt by it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

good idea ali_hussain. i will try that. now what do you do when you havent got a friend who can do that? i have been here before and i quit. what can we do??

 

 

Start looking for a wife when you are 18.

Edited by Ali_Hussain

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 overweight girls!!!! 

why she suggests you such girls??? 

dont be shy, just tell her that what kind of look you want.

it is your right! no one likes to get married to ugly girls! however you should not judge people because of their looks. 

if someone is decent and innocent  and not very good looking then it is ok.

 

I have a relative who got married to a girl who is  not good looking in his view point. well she is very good wife but you know, I feel he always thinks that he doesn't  like hos wife's face! and so he makes comment about her nose and eyes and ... so his wife is so upset. she has lost her self confidence and she is looking for nose job and ...

this is really a serious matter. you should change your view point and don't judge people about their looks and then try to talk to that lady and ask hr to suggest you what you exactly want.

Salam,

I dont want to embress you but you yourself are being judgmently and rude. What is wrong with over weight girls for you to say why is she suggesting those girls? Are they not human to? No?

Your comment is more shallow then the op.

As for you work, it is you right to ask for what you want. My cousion mother passed away and my mum was helping him find a wife,he wanted a slim girl,to and he wanted other specific things to but they werenit a must like bigger chest,etc. So you have ever right to ask and it best you ask so you dont hurt the feelings of the other girls your seeing.

Everyone picks and chooses what parts they want to follow from islam, their skinny girls that get reject for being to relgious and you have chubby girls getting rejected for being over weight even thou god said look at their deen.

I must say thou from what I have seen that nothing is guaranted,you can get a slim wife that will later go big or even have health issues and then you have chubby girls that lose weight after marriage and some gain more weight.

Chubby girls are cute and some of them have beautiful faces. Inshallah no one gets to hurt and remmber you cant please everyone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I doudt anyone will introduce me to a shorter person then me because am not that tall,more on the shorter side. However, if someone that slighlty on the over weight side came, I worint reject because of his weight,he can change the weight but you cant change height or face,unless you undergo surgery.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reply to what golden?

Am not sure if your a woman but what you stated is offensive, I dont think the ladies that are on the heavier end would approchate it if someone suggest to another person as to why did a certain lady introduce bigger woman... Go read your own comment. And dont get rude and hype,thinking that you can see me slip in this topic...

You would think that other woman would be more considerate towards other woman when it comes to such topics,specially if your a practising muslim. Yet,we have the same old senioro woman bashing other woman. Your sentance was clear and anyone that can read can see what you stated.

People can choose what they want,but you have no right to make others feel like their not worth of marriage...

I feel for the woman that read your sentance.

The op can open his mouth and tell the woman that he dislikes or does not want so and so. Everyone I know,knows I want a tall person,therefore I do not need to worry about hurting or being intoduced to a short person,if that is what your asking.

Edited by kim.tinkerbell

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fat girls should lose weight. The bottom line is no one is ugly, people are just lazy. So if i am lazy, i dont deserve good. If a pretty girls [edit], I should be okay with it.Its my fault. I am lazy and I am not putting up effort to get six packs. No need to moan. 

Edited by Muhammed Ali
suspended

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Brother,

If you are athletic, tell your friend's wife you want an athletic wife. Nothing wrong with that, you take care of ur body so its only fair your wife does too. Dont feel ashamed about it. Haters gonna hate but at least youll be happier with your wife :Inshallah.

And yes I am aware some girls have health problems that prevent them from losing weight, but you are allowed to reject some one due to an illness or not being attractive to you. Plus there are men out there who prefer chubby women who will marry those girls anyway. She will be the one women you can have halal relations with, you best be attracted to her.

Note: I'm a sister trying to lose 10lbs, you can say i gained my "freshman 15lbs" at uni this past yr:( but I would not marry an athletic man if I were not fit also because I would feel like im cheating him. so im not some fat women hater. I understand both sides and know many regular weight and overweight sisters too. Plus most hijabis I know love working out so no excuses :p

Edited by :Ruffles

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Shiachat, the worst place to ask for advice on such matters.

 

Marry a women based on her looks, 1st religion then appearance. that doesn't mean you ditch the appearance when you have religion. All overweight people are overweight because they eat a lot.

 

If we guys have to go to gym, eat less, work so that we may be attractive to women, women should do the same. If you are an overweight women and you are thinking that is ok because you have religion you are wrong. Appearance is the most important factor in marriage, after religion.

 

These little girls on here calling you shallow are a bunch of idiots, they expect men to shove a fork into their eyes so that we may ignore looks.

 

OP tell the women straight up what you are looking for in a wife, first say, "I want someone who is religious, good morals, good personality" then finally say  "she must be attractive". that way you will be safe from being called shallow since your desire for appearance will be sugar coated in all the other nonsense.

 

Wassallam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All overweight people are overweight because they eat a lot.

 

If we guys have to go to gym, eat less, work so that we may be attractive to women, women should do the same. If you are an overweight women and you are thinking that is ok because you have religion you are wrong. Appearance is the most important factor in marriage, after religion.

You do realize people can also have health problems which can cause them to gain a lot of weight?

And please don't expect all women to dress to impress, or work out because they want you to like them. Some of us work out and dress nicely because we feel like it, and could not care less about what you think. There's more to life than men.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

on the one hand i would say look at her character and all that stuff but if you really dont like them than you should make it an other way.

 

the wife of your friend i guess knows girls in your mosque. so instead that she introduces you to unknown girls.

 

you should choose one in your mosque or another mosque etc which you find attractive (and also with good iman etc) and than you could tell the wifes friend

 

 

i really found a girl which i find so nice. could your wife speak with her from woman to woman.

 

 

 

 

so you find your own future wife and than ask your friend that his wife talks to this girl in a good way 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you should also ask a sheikh. but not just tell him you wanna marry and if he knows women with iman. you really should first choose a women with whom you really want to be forever inshaAllah.

 

and than they can introduce you.

 

 

 

 

the problem with your friends wife will always be that she sees only women with iman or potential spouses for you but with the eye of a women (like all women are beautiful)  while you see women who do not be beautiful in your eyes.

 

 

and thats really ok. i mean you should view on iman also very important but i really understand your way of thinking. it is very important that you like her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

at least maybe you should talk to your friend so that he understands you.

you only have two choices. the wife stop wanna marry you to girls you dont like (ok good)

or she start wanna marry you to girls you like.(perfect)

 

 

i mean we are allowed to see the women and its a great wisdom. you should really like her. but if the difference between two women you both like isnt that big than choose the one with her heart close to the mosque and with lovely family.

(dont have to tell you that iman is more important than everything else)

 

 

if you will love her for beauty than know beauty will disappear , suddenly thorugh accident or in age.

but a wife with real iman mashaAllah . i cant talk for you and i didnt see the women but if you can accept them and find real iman than imagine how much Allah 

will love you if you ony love for him


(oh dear my next post inshaAllah will be in better english. forgive me its so hard for me)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Or they eat normally and have a slow metabolism.  Or they have an abnormal level of cortisol production.  Or plenty of issues that are only minimally within their control. 

 

I guess poor people are lazy, uneducated people are dumb, and sick people are unclean. 

or they could be big boned not fat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bless you work. Communication is key and there are always ways of saying things. Appearance is definitely an important factor in marriage. The next time you receive potential hands sit your friend and his wife down. speak to them about those narrations such as religiousness, appearance  and your criteria. That is the only way they will understand otherwise they will never know. You time will just waste away. Bismillah try to make an understanding so that one day the right person comes to you inshaAllah and may Allah give you a religious, beautiful wife inshaAllah. :)

 

By the way, some of the posts here are hilarious. You could grab popcorn and laugh your way through the thread. It is so interesting to see differences of opinion and so many different personalities.

 

Blessed be Allah, the best of creators. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam.

Im speechless...even though i am very skinny..

I speak in defense to the fat ladies.. if they avoid junk food , have no diabetes or cholosterol and maintain a healthy islamic life style, they should not be rejected based on their physical appearence. I thought the idea of hijab was to cover the outside appearence so the inside can be judged fairly..hijab is confidence and hides insecurties that people like you point out.

On another note , I always found fat ladies to be attractive. They have bigger breast and larger bums and fat evrywhere that you can put your head on her and use her as your pillow :)

:lol:

 

There are a number of medical conditions that can cause an individual to gain weight, for instance hypothyroidism. But with that said, I think that we should be careful not to normalize obesity which is more often a result of both life choices and factors not under our control. I'm really not a fan of the mass-media's definitions of beauty. They're seriously out of whack and we know that even the most beautiful celebrities get photoshopped on the covers of beauty magazines etc. But opposition to these unhealthy and unreal standards of beauty shouldn't mean that we warm up to what are inherently unhealthy lifestyles leading to obesity, a precursor to many deadly diseases.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i dont judge these girls. i sometimes hate my self for rejecting them :( :( it makes me feel completely horrible :( but i know the marriage wont work. i havent got the courage to tell this sister. i might just tell her i dont want to look anymore. i dont want to offend her.

once in the past my aunty did the same thing and got angry because said i didnt like the girls she made me meet.

Stop being shy.

Girls like guys who are men.

Be direct (don't abandon respect) and tell your friend what kind of woman you want. She isn't even the woman you will be courting.

If she's a land whale herself then thats probably why you're getting land whales (or she thinks you'll only get overweight women due to whatever reason- it's probably because she finds your personality a negative or she might think you are physically unattractive).

 

edit2

Hassanain Rajabali is a handsome fellow. I aspire to be like him in looks and in deen.

Edited by blu115

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stop being shy.

Girls like guys who are men.

Be direct (don't abandon respect) and tell your friend what kind of woman you want. She isn't even the woman you will be courting.

If she's a land whale herself then thats probably why you're getting land whales (or she thinks you'll only get overweight women due to whatever reason- it's probably because she finds your personality a negative or she might think you are physically unattractive).

 

:lol: land whale

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You can always get her to do a new lifestyle-- exercise and diet to change the frame.

It is very difficult to get a person to change their lifestyle if they dont already want to do it on their own, and she will be likely to fall back into bad old habits. Sugar is addictive after all, so if a girl is overweight due to sugar,even if she gives it up, relapse may happen. She has to have the will power to change and be working on it on her own before she gets married because wanting to change for another human rarely continues to motivate a person in the long term. (She has to want to change for the sake of :Allah)

Edited by :Ruffles

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salaam alaikum

I just wanted to reply and if I repeat something someone else has said my apologies. One suggestion would be really talk to anyone who is "helping" you. Give them some ideas of what you are looking for, ie.athletic, outgoing, more reserved etc. however I would caution on just a 30 second is she cute mentality ( not saying that is what you do just saying) attraction comes in many forms. Also as a wife of 17 years and mother of 4 kids that whole skinny thing comes and goes as the years pass so do looks on both sides. You need to be able to communicate and be friends in a marriage because there will be times where your friendship is what gets you through when the lovey dovey stuff comes and goes. So personally I would suggest really taking someone's character and personality into consideration, body issues can be fixed, ie.going to the gym could be a nice couples times, while helping each other with your goals,etc. Again if I have repeated or offended I apologize. Take care and good luck. :)

Wa salaam

Edited by lilacfatima

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Regarding the weight issue, it's not only about appearance. It also involves common interests and compatibility. Work said that he is athletic. People that are overweight tend to not to work out or engage in athletic activities. If he really enjoys working out and playing sports and does it often and his wife doesn't, it could be a source of conflict. People who are athletic also tend to be mindful of what they eat and try to maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle. Overweight individuals often do not, so that could be a source of conflict too.

 

Of course there other considerations to take into account as well, but having common interests and being compatible is important in marriage. There is nothing shallow about taking this into consideration.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...