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mouradf

Married & In College....would You?

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Salam all 

 

   Soooo, almost all my friends are either married or engaged and they are in their early 20s, and in college. I am not- I am in a really tough major in college, almost there and there are a lot of guys that propose to me- but I just go on with my lovely excuse saying I want to finish. HOWEVER- I'm just waiting for Mr. Perfect to come- I am picky- I will admit when it comes to my future husband. For some reason I want to get engaged this summer- but something is holding me back saying no wait until you finish college because you would not be able to focus. Soo, Im not sure- any advice? What would you guys do, especially those of you who are college students. 

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Stop being so picky. Who the hell do you think you are?

She thinks she wants to finish her education before settling for less than ideal. It seems perfectly reasonable to me, though I'd advise people who want to marry to be less picky.

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Salam all 

 

   Soooo, almost all my friends are either married or engaged and they are in their early 20s, and in college. I am not- I am in a really tough major in college, almost there and there are a lot of guys that propose to me- but I just go on with my lovely excuse saying I want to finish. HOWEVER- I'm just waiting for Mr. Perfect to come- I am picky- I will admit when it comes to my future husband. For some reason I want to get engaged this summer- but something is holding me back saying no wait until you finish college because you would not be able to focus. Soo, Im not sure- any advice? What would you guys do, especially those of you who are college students. 

 

(salam)

 

Nothing is wrong with wanting to finished college, you're entitle to that. However,  Mr. Perfect does not exist. You will be spending more time waiting for Mr. Perfect that you might be waiting for a long time. If you think it is impossible or hard to be in school, then that is your choice. There are tons of people who are married, go to school, work, and have children. Nothing is impossible and yes it will be hard.

 

Also, most of your friends are getting married early 20s, so what! Everyone has a different time and path that they are meant to be married. The trouble with most girls (and myself) we compare each other. We need to stop and think that it is their time and that someday it will be ours.

 

If education is what holding you back from getting married, then it looks like you made your choice on pursuing what you want. It is your choice. It is up to you to make it. However, you need to stop comparing yourself and focus on what you have chosen: education.

 

Good luck sister, and please don't regret anything. It is meant to be, whatever you decide to do.

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Stop being so picky.  Who the hell do you think you are?

 

 

Stop being so picky.  Who the hell do you think you are?

 

 

 

Stop being so picky.  Who the hell do you think you are?

 

Hmmm, you're right. Alright- Ill create an account on some online dating and accept the first guy who sends me a request, good idea, no? 

She will be a wonderful wife and mother and generally all around a valuable wonderful asset to the right man!  If she is not picky about her spouse, she will probably reflect that lack of discrimination in other life choices after marriage. Picky is just fine… :)

 

  Awh, very sweet of you- Thank you! 

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Hmmm, you're right. Alright- Ill create an account on some online dating and accept the first guy who sends me a request, good idea, no? 

 

 

Yeah!  And vice versa.  If a guy got an account, and accepted you first before anyone, he would be getting Ms. Perfect!

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I wasn't, I just married whoever my mom saw right for me, no questions.

 

For my second wife, it was a little picky, maybe because I was exhausted of all the nagging my first wife did, it was like she came with a built-in loudspeaker.

 

It is good that the wives are to be kept in a separate house, what a blessing!

 

I am in search for my third wife, preferably she would be aiming high, and would want to be engaged this summer, I am however very, very picky this time around, knowing the horrors marriage or more specifically wives brings on a man's life.

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(bismillah)

 

(salam)

 

The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.a.) has stated that a person who does not perform Nikah on account of his poor financial condition does not have faith and confidence in God. God says:‘If they be needy, Allah, out of His grace will make them free from want.

- Tahzeeb Ul-Islam

 

Someone I know is just about to go into uni and is about to get married at a very young age. He doesn't have much money but he is going to go for it anyway to follow the path the Ahlul Bayt (as) have prescribed. You should do the same. Remember, in this society, Allah is made out to be a fictional entity and even in our mosques and religious places, He is, under the surface, nonexistant (I'm not generalizing, but I've seen this usually to be the case).

 

Very rarely does anyone have tawakkul anymore. If I showed that hadith to 99% of the fathers of girls in the Shia community, they would probably laugh and tell me to finish uni first and acquire a stable source of income. This is not unreasonable, but I'm just saying that it stems from the fact that there is very little reliance on Allah in this world anymore. This is also one of the signs of the end times.

 

I'll leave you with some ahadith about being 'picky' (which is good... you don't want to end up with someone with issues lurking under the surface... not good for you or your kids. I don't know why people are bashing you for it).

 

Keep in mind that there are ahadith, as well, that tell us that whenever a hadith describing some quality (excluding some) is directed at a certain gender, you may reverse it and apply it to your gender (to some extent). Read the follwing with that in mind.

 

Imam al-Hasan (as) said to man who came to ask his advice about getting his daughter married, 'Marry her to a pious man, for if he loves her he will honour her, and if he comes to dislike her, at least he will not be unjust towards her.’[Makarim al-Akhlaq, v. 1, p. 446, no. 1534] 
 
The Prophet Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÂáå said, 'When someone comes to you with a proposal and you are well-pleased with his faith and his integrity then accept him in marriage, for if you do not, discord and corruption will prevail in the land.’[bihar al-Anwar, v. 103, p. 372, no. 3] 
 
The Prophet Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÂáå said, 'He who marries a woman solely for her beauty will not find anything he likes in her, he who marries her for her wealth will be deprived of it as soon as he marries her, so look to marry women of faith.’[bihar al-Anwar, v. 103, p. 235, no. 19] 

 

The Prophet Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÂáå said, addressing the people, 'Beware of the verdure growing in manure.’ When asked what verdure growing in manure was, he replied, 'It is the beautiful woman that comes from an evil environment.’ [bihar al-Anwar, v. 103, p. 232 no. 10] 

 

Remember, also, that you need to first and foremost not be looking for Mr. Perfect... You need to become Ms. Perfect and Allah will guide Mr. Perfect into your life. We often want the best qualities in our spouses but we tend to forget that what comes first is self-improvement so that they are deserving of us instead of trying to find someone that doesn't deserve us with our baggage of bad qualities.

 

Here is a very good book for you, which highlights the duties and ethics of men and women in a marriage as per ahadith... I intend to follow this every step of the way in my marriage because honestly, nothing can ever go wrong in the marriage if you follow the book. It has the commands of the Ahlul Bayt (as).

 

http://www.al-islam.org/principles-marriage-family-ethics-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini

 

Duties of women is the first section and the duties of men is the second.

 

Also, the prescription of early marriage, as per ahadith:

 

Imam al-Rida (as) said, 'The archangel Gabriel descended to the Prophet Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÂáå and told him, 'O Muhammad, verily your Lord extends salutations on you and says, 'Verily the virgins from among your women are as fruits on a tree, which when they ripen must be plucked otherwise the sun rots them and the wind alters them. So when young women reach marriageable age, they have no other recourse apart from husbands, otherwise they will not be safe from corruption.’ The Prophet Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÂáå then climbed the pulpit, gathered the people and informed them of what Allah had commanded him.’[bihar al-Anwar, v. 16, p. 223, no. 22] 
 
Insha'Allah Allah gives you a pious, loving, caring spouse that will be your means to nearness of Allah and ultimately Jannah (because this is the most worthy purpose of a marriage). Good luck.
 
(wasalam)
Edited by Hazyn

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that something telling you not to do it has a name.....shaytaan 

this one sheikh once said "do everything opposite to that voice inside you tells" 

the voice inside me tells me not to reply to this post ....

I wasn't, I just married whoever my mom saw right for me, no questions.

 

For my second wife, it was a little picky, maybe because I was exhausted of all the nagging my first wife did, it was like she came with a built-in loudspeaker.

 

It is good that the wives are to be kept in a separate house, what a blessing!

 

I am in search for my third wife, preferably she would be aiming high, and would want to be engaged this summer, I am however very, very picky this time around, knowing the horrors marriage or more specifically wives brings on a man's life.

if you make it in one piece to No.4 , may I personally congratulate you dear brother .

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(salam)

 

Mouradf;

 

Do not always self-compare with your friends, even the good ones.

 

Finish school now or you probably never will.

 

I do not know by what you mean by "picky", BUT I would be thorough. A long nika I suggest.  You have to like them. But do you have enough to talk about? Want to be around them when they are sick? How about grumpy? Was there spousal abuse in the other family?

Money is the most common start of arguments and aggression. Get the bank accounts and all sorted out ahead of time. I recommend separate accounts.

Another of the "big ones" is a compatible sense of humor -in most things at first. I do not mean that giggly feel good stuff, but jokes, stories, films, quips...

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there is an ayat in the Quran that encourages us to marry quickly and not worry about our situation since god will give us some of his bounty. I don't know the exact ayat but its there.

 

Also don't have high expectations, that way you will be disappointed.

 

Marry a man based on his piety and faith, if a man is religious then he will try to give you all the rights Islam has prescribed for you. and if you have all your rights given you WILL BE HAPPY and so will he. If he is really virtuous then he will give you more than what your rights are and that is GREAT for you.

 

Don't expect an Orlando bloom to come propose to you, girls have beauty, guys have manliness. usually guys aren't that attractive in looks, So don't marry based on looks.

 

Don't marry him based on his money, that is the worse thing you can do, never will you find happiness in money. One who bases their decision on money is like a black hole, no amount of money will make you happy. happiness lies with mutual love for one another personality. 

 

Also it might be good if the guy is shy around girls, my experience is that guys who are shy with girls are softer when with girls, so it's better for you if he is shy with girls, just make sure he has good traditional chivalry.

 

Also, being married is beneficial for studies. As a guy who is not married yet, 80% of my attention is always on girls, I am not a pervert but its the same with most guys, it's impossible to not think about it, that is why there are numerous hadith telling us that marriage is half of our deen because when we 'marry' the lust dissapears and we can concentrate on other things, so if you are studying it will definitely improve your concentrating skills and you will remember more of it and understand things much more easily.

 

This is my experience, but I am a guy so you might not agree. Marriage is good for studies.

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(bismillah)

 

there is an ayat in the Quran that encourages us to marry quickly and not worry about our situation since god will give us some of his bounty. I don't know the exact ayat but its there.

 

(salam)

 

It is a beaufitul ayah.

 

And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing (24:32).

 

(wasalam) 

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Wsalam,

It is all in your hands, if you find someone that's good and understanding then go for it. I dont usually encourage people to marry will their studying but this year I think well be good for those that want to marry. I have friends that got married will they were studying,some of them finished their studies and are doing masters/phd now and their marriage life did not affect their studies. And I have other friends that dropped out and got pregent and some got divorced.. At the age of 22 with a one year old child and divorced...

Dont look at your friends,look at what will make you happy,if marriage will add something to your life,then you can add it,after examining if the person is good for you or not.

Anyways,inshallah kheir,dont over think it,if it's meant to happen then it will happen.

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Go for it, inshallah khair.

 

I’m in uni right now as well, if let’s say the guy is open minded, shares the same values and beliefs as me, I’d definitely go for it. But if a guy comes off as abusive and disgusting than I’d rather be a cat lady, so first get to know him and see if hes the one. Just make sure the marriage does not interrupt your studies and goals in life. 

Who do you expect to provide all the love to the cats if you get married and don't become a cat lady?

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Who do you expect to provide all the love to the cats if you get married and don't become a cat lady?

 

Pakistanis, because they won't :lol:. At least not till 30+.

Edited by Hazyn

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One of my friends is about the same age as me, He's either nineteen or eighteen I am not sure. He met this great girl in his class, and they got married with the consent of both families. His wife lives with him at his parents house, He's now in business school and she's in medical school. They study together, do everything together. As for the financial situation, the girl's mother has agreed to sponsor her daughter's education to reduce the stress on the guy's family. And they are really happy and good together. Now, when they finish school. They intend to work and move out when the time comes. So, if you find an ideal situation like this, I say go for it. 

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Hey everyone... I'll let you in on a little secret.... Something tells me that the OP wouldn't be so picky if the the suitor was a multi-millionaire, looked like Tom Cruise and was a deceptive smooth talker.

 

In fact... she would make herself compatible just so that she can please him and i'm also willing to bet she would give up on her studies right away.

 

Sorry OP... but you saying that you're looking for Mr. Perfect and are really picky is an insult to the hardworking honest guys who are looking to complete themselves as human beings and complete their deen to be closer to Allah (swt) and working hard to start a family or provide for their existing family. 

 

You are still an immature child and need to grow up.

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Hey everyone... I'll let you in on a little secret.... Something tells me that the OP wouldn't be so picky if the the suitor was a multi-millionaire, looked like Tom Cruise and was a deceptive smooth talker.

 

In fact... she would make herself compatible just so that she can please him and i'm also willing to bet she would give up on her studies right away.

 

Sorry OP... but you saying that you're looking for Mr. Perfect and are really picky is an insult to the hardworking honest guys who are looking to complete themselves as human beings and complete their deen to be closer to Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì and working hard to start a family or provide for their existing family. 

 

You are still an immature child and need to grow up.

(Salam) brother,

This is uncalled for. While the OP might be young you have no right to call her immature. Im sure this is not what the she meant by "Mr Perfect". If you the "honest hardworking men" are addressing sisters in this manner then what does that leave for the others?

I say this with the best of intentions,

Ws

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(salam) brother,

This is uncalled for. While the OP might be young you have no right to call her immature. Im sure this is not what the she meant by "Mr Perfect". If you the "honest hardworking men" are addressing sisters in this manner then what does that leave for the others?

I say this with the best of intentions,

Ws

 wa alaykum al salam sister

 

I understand that a girl needs to be careful... but being picky is NOT a good trait.

 

I am trying to hit a nerve with the sister, and all sisters for that matter, with the best of intentions. You all need to ask yourselves, before getting married or thinking about marriage, what are your intentions? Have you ever considered that maybe you have rejected good decent guys who will make an excellent life partner and you didn't see that or give him a chance because you are too busy being picky and looking for Mr Perfect???

 

This is not theoretical. This has happened to me and to people I know and girls that I know who only showed interest in guys just because they were rich. In the end only you will suffer, because your search for Mr Perfect, or Mr Right or Mr Compatible will get you nowhere other than taking the happiness out marriage and settling for a guy when you are older who is far from ideal only because you dont want to spend the rest of your life alone. 

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