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In the Name of God بسم الله
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fathl

He Asked Her Hand, Just Before Me...

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I'm disappointed at the delivery of your advice... especially considering that you have Sheikh al-Mufeed as your name and profile pic and that you're a Shiachat admin, and thus a representative of a site for aspiring Shias.

 

Yeah, his situation sucks and he has to practice patience right now and learn to slowly get over it, but your advice does nothing except rub unnecessary salt on a clearly terrible wound of a brother. It's obvious that this guy has been hurt to the degree of having to post on shiachat for advice from his bros and sis's, and yes he has to ultimately swallow the gigantic pill of having to get over it, but there's no need to be disrespectful and hurtful.

 

lol your making it sound like this guy was married to this girl or some thing. "Terrible wound" .. "hurt".. come on I dont even think you believe th words your saying, if you do - you got some issues of your own.

 

He has no relationship with this woman at all - hes just infatuated with her. These are the actions/thinking patterns of young kids who grow a "crush" on some one. This is not how an adult acts or thinks.

The point is that this type of thinking/behavior is really selfish and childish, and if a grown man is going to think and act like that he needs to be treated like a child.

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lol your making it sound like this guy was married to this girl or some thing. "Terrible wound" .. "hurt".. come on I dont even think you believe th words your saying, if you do - you got some issues of your own.

 

He has no relationship with this woman at all - hes just infatuated with her. These are the actions/thinking patterns of young kids who grow a "crush" on some one. This is not how an adult acts or thinks.

The point is that this type of thinking/behavior is really selfish and childish, and if a grown man is going to think and act like that he needs to be treated like a child.

 

Like I keep reiterating, no need to attack - whatsoever. Our role models taught us better than that, and it's disappointing for me to see such ethics from a man that dons the name and picture of a man like Sheikh al-Mufid (and also an admin/representative of the standards of a site for Shias).

 

In regards to your comment, the poster mentioned that he was planning on proposing to the girl and that he scheduled to do so but by the test of Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì, his brother (whom apparently he had no idea was interested in the same girl) proposed to her the day before his plan. It's obvious that a few important details are missing, but it's clearly not just a 'crush' as you paint it out to be.

 

I don't have any other specifics on his situation or the person, and presumably neither do you. So although I agree with you in your end point and advice to him, you're delivery mitigates the good that can come from such advice since you are not close to him. Would you speak to someone like that if the random brother approached you with the same question in the flesh?

 

I recommend introspection on your post, brother. Compare it as it is and, as an admin of Shiachat and bearer of Sheikh al-Mufid, how it should be. We often see posts like these and think to ourselves how ridiculous they might be based on our knowledge and experience (as applied to the very limited description that is provided by the OP), so we answer them condescendingly because we think of what the obvious (to us) answer is and also because it's the internet. But the situation might not be as black and white as we think. Regardless, we must treat others as how we ourselves would like to be treated (if you are knowledgable, then how you would like to be treated by other knowledgable people), and to also not be sucked into the virtual reality that is the internet so that we can retain the standards that the Ahlulbayt left for us.

Edited by YariAzQuran

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Salam,

A friend of mine kept getting proposals even after her engagement. One of the mothers (of the proposing men) seemed to think that the engagement was just a phase that would pass. And as brother Sami mentioned, I have also heard about girls who fake it simply to ward off men (especially in arab countries where taxi drivers are growing an interest in matchmaking).

I do not suspect that this girl is doing so but it is not uncommon nowadays. I don't advise you to approach her however, seeing as you'll still be seeing her around. You'll be forever labeled as "the guy who proposed to me" and it'll be extremely awkward for the two of you to interact. But if you do set your mind on proposing I would advise you to do it as soon as possible before anything is made official.

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I never expected the guys at this forum to be so contemptious and hostile against a fellow shia muslim, for simply asking advice. And to top it, to give such malicious and cowardly advice; lecturing me about some ettiquete while being so rude and unrespectfull.

Maybe next time, I should resort back to my atheistic friends in the netherlands, who have proven to be far more friendly and wise than most of you did. 

Really, I've never personally experienced racism, or visible hostility from from my contemporary friends in the netherlands, or fellow citizens for that matter; to experience these attacks from fellow muslims (again!!) make me doubt how useful and enriching islam has been to your lives. 

Admin,

Good luck pretending virtuousness. 

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I never expected the guys at this forum to be so contemptious and hostile against a fellow shia muslim, for simply asking advice. And to top it, to give such malicious and cowardly advice; lecturing me about some ettiquete while being so rude and unrespectfull.

Maybe next time, I should resort back to my atheistic friends in the netherlands, who have proven to be far more friendly and wise than most of you did. 

Really, I've never personally experienced racism, or visible hostility from from my contemporary friends in the netherlands, or fellow citizens for that matter; to experience these attacks from fellow muslims (again!!) make me doubt how useful and enriching islam has been to your lives. 

Admin,

Good luck pretending virtuousness.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. She is not even engaged yet and who knows, maybe she is waiting to see if you will propose to her before she replies to the other suitor. If you don't give it a shot then you will regret this forever.

Don't listen to some of the self righteous idiots on this site.

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'you'll regret it forever' thats so gay. It aint some Romanic Comedy but the question of namoos/wife/fiance in a Islamic country.

 

I never expected the guys at this forum to be so contemptious and hostile against a fellow shia muslim, for simply asking advice. And to top it, to give such malicious and cowardly advice; lecturing me about some ettiquete while being so rude and unrespectfull.

Maybe next time, I should resort back to my atheistic friends in the netherlands, who have proven to be far more friendly and wise than most of you did. 

Really, I've never personally experienced racism, or visible hostility from from my contemporary friends in the netherlands, or fellow citizens for that matter; to experience these attacks from fellow muslims (again!!) make me doubt how useful and enriching islam has been to your lives. 

Admin,

Good luck pretending virtuousness. 

 

The concept of wife/fiancee differs greatly in Netherlands than it does in Islamic countries. While in Holland its not a big deal if someone tries to steal your spouse, but in most Islamic countries one could get killed for that. 

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At this point, talking to this girl about anything would be highly inappropriate. Avoid her for 6 months. Then maybe congratulate her for her pending nuptial.

Edited by Gypsy

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I guess we can stop complaining about the days when men were intimidated by intelligent women. It seems like even if she does get married, you will always remain fascinated with her and try to win her. It's easy for you, at any point, (for whatever reason) if she does get divorced, you can marry her. Please don't marry any other woman because you will ruin some poor woman's life. If you do marry another woman, at least don't have any kids. PLEASE.

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Salam fathl,

Am soo happy that a female over took her male collegues in programming. Lol, I did take some programming models, it was hard at first but it became a bit eaiser when my collegye taught me it. Anyways, I think you should congratulate her and see if shes really gettung married and engaged,if she does say shes engaged then leave it because it will be awakured enviroment for her when you both work together. It's uncomfortable to be around someone that you know likes you and wants you but your engaged to someone else. If god forbid the engagment doesnt happen then you can tell her how you feel. Next time be a bit faster in your approach.

I dont think you should tell her but if you feel that your going to tell her then it's best to find out if she's getting arrenged marriage and if shes happy. Your right about some woman accepting men because they get a low amount of propusels and they just want to get married,but shes educated I dont think she will make a quick decision without thinking about it,if her family do put pressure on her then it might impact her decision. It's important to find out if its arrangeged or not,you said she was crying for a few mints,it can be arrenged but Allah hu 3lima...

If she's happy and you can see it from her face then leave it...

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If she's not married or engaged than you're still in the zone

^ its official ... your a moron

It's more moronic to back off from a girl just because she got a proposal. If she's not engaged and you're backing off because somebody proposed than you're pretty weak mentally and emotionally

I never expected the guys at this forum to be so contemptious and hostile against a fellow shia muslim, for simply asking advice. And to top it, to give such malicious and cowardly advice; lecturing me about some ettiquete while being so rude and unrespectfull.

Maybe next time, I should resort back to my atheistic friends in the netherlands, who have proven to be far more friendly and wise than most of you did.

Really, I've never personally experienced racism, or visible hostility from from my contemporary friends in the netherlands, or fellow citizens for that matter; to experience these attacks from fellow muslims (again!!) make me doubt how useful and enriching islam has been to your lives.

.

Admin,

Good luck pretending virtuousness.

There's a lot of strange people claiming to be Shia on this website but that's jus the way it is because many of the moderators on here enjoy being liberal and accepting nonsense comments, attitudes that are against Islam or are just spreading lies

Any admin calling another a moron though is clear that person is not fit to admin on shiachat. That's not appropriate behavior of a admin tbh

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(Salam)

Can I just say that I agree with the members who are stressing proper akhlaq? I mean, it's not like we even get that many members asking for advice that we feel the need to roll our eyes all the time at how unintelligent we think they're being. Ayatollahs get way more e-mails containing even more complex/bizarre scenarios, you never see Ayatollah Sistani replying with, "You mad dumb, grow up."

That being said, I think OP should tread very carefully. If she's seriously considering this guy, you will be creating unnecessary tension for her. This isn't The Bachelorette, and this kind of love triangle, if you will, is exactly the kind of stuff people like to gossip about. It can ruin all your reputations, which can lead to people not being very keen on even considering you as a potential spouse. Not to mention that it will create awkwardness between you all. If she rejects you, will you be able to face her at work? Don't let your emotions get in the way of thinking clearly.

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Salaam Kim,

 

I'm a talkative guy, and usually have some humerous and interesting things to say. I would assume she laughs at my comments because she enjoys the interaction. Not necessarily because she is emotionally fulfilled/happy or something.

 

Anyway, since I appreciated your thoughts, here is how I approached her, and won her yes  :-)

 

I basicly told her that I needed a female perspective on a dilemma, and that I wanted to get her thoughts on them. After work, we had a pleasant conversation, and then i brought the issue up. I said something to the tune of: "Hey, I have a close friend who needs advice. He was raised in the west, and isnt familiar with Tunisian customs. So basicly, he fears that he will damage a good relationship with his colleague, by coming forward with it. And I thought that your advice would be very valuable in this perspective." 

 

And than I told her of the "interest this guy has for his female colleague, but kept it a secret to himself, so that he could focus on more pressing matters of work." and that "when news circulated about an other party, having proposed to her, he kicked himself for not approaching earlier. And the question he faces is, do you think he should still come forward, and approach the girl, and inform her of his interest, or should he back off?"

Aware of here intelligence, I could see in her eyes she knew that I was talking about me and her. And from the expression on her face, I knew her answer, so there was no need to make it an intellectual or moral issue that needed elaborate discussion.

 

After that, I deleted her number from my phone in front of her, and asked her to put her number in, for the second time, only this time as a friend, as opposed to just her colleague/boss.

 

The following days, I kept the poor girl in a state of excitement and anticipation, until yesterday. There is nothing more beautifull than a happy innocent "child" enjoying everyday moments.

 

I will try to visit her parents before returning back to the netherlands.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

On a general note to the admin and all other male cowards in this forum: of all the worlds religious denominations, to have shia muslims think like cowards, was the last thing I ever expected. 

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congratulations brother.........

 

May Allah bless you with a happy life......

 

just remember to sort out that shia sunni issue before you finalise things........ :)

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