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Ali-F

If A Girl Is Ugly, But Religious, Would You Marry?

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The OP's question is Satanic.

 

The proper question is: 

Which should you marry, a religious girl or a non-religious girl?

 

Answer: a religious one. 100% unambiguous.

 

Lol at the raw stupidity of the idea of turning down a genuinely religious girl because she's "ugly." 

Is she missing an eye? No? Does she have all her limbs? Yes? 

 

You'll manage. Even if the opposite, you'll manage.

 

Unless it's your soul that is the ugly part of the equation. ;)

With all due respect brother, this is a very naive proposition. The reality is that many people do not 'manage' if they feel discontent with the partner's looks. While there are exceptions to this, where someone is not initially attracted but later on falls in love with him/her based on the personality (which is often rooted in religiosity), they are rare and risky to rely on in terms of it happening to yourself. And so consequently, many times marriages deteriorate and families become ruined from actions that might be done (i.e. bad akhlaq, ignoring the partner/not wanting to spend time with them/the guilt that comes from being much more attracted to other women and not your wife/flirting with other women in everyday activities/doing mutah with another woman/and anything in between).

 

Attractiveness is absolutely important, and I base this not just on practical wisdom but from our ahadith as well. As told by Imam as-Sadiq (as) (please correct if I'm wrong, I think it was our 6th Imam), religiosity is the first factor to take into consideration, followed by none other than attractiveness. The family of the girl comes next, and finally the wealth of the girl (my own opinion so take with a grain of salt but 'status' may fall in this category as well). One must weigh these out in accordance to one's expectations of a wife, which should be based upon 1) knowledge of the self (i.e. imaan, certain attributes that a partner must have and certain ones that are negotiable, etc) and 2) one's own unique circumstance (i.e. job, looks, family, etc).

Edited by YariAzQuran

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No, it's not naïve. It's called Islam.

 

The Satanist troll who made the original post asked whether we should choose an ""ugly"" religious girl over a ""beautiful"" godless girl.

As if there's some sort of valid debate about it.

 

The case from the hadith is between two religious girls, different case.

 

In general, this "oh, you have to be attracted" is ridiculously abused. The reality is that there are very, very, very, very few young women out there that might legitimately be considered "ugly," where there's some gut negative physical reaction to the looks that has to be consciously overcome.

 

There are a lot of young women out there who are kind of plain, perhaps, but in the vast majority of cases it's not a matter of them not being attractive; it's just more subtle, not so blatant and in your face. If you're not terminally superficial, it's easy to find attractiveness in the appearance of almost any young woman you come across. Beauty in women is not a rare thing; on the contrary, it's the norm.

Edited by kadhim

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No, it's not naïve. It's called Islam.

 

The Satanist troll who made the original post asked whether we should choose an ""ugly"" religious girl over a ""beautiful"" godless girl.

As if there's some sort of valid debate about it.

 

In general, this "oh, you have to be attracted" is ridiculously abused. The reality is that there are very, very, very, very few young women out there that might legitimately be considered "ugly," where there's some gut negative physical reaction to the looks that has to be consciously overcome.

 

There are a lot of young women out there who are kind of plain, perhaps, but in the vast majority of cases it's not a matter of them not being attractive; it's just more subtle, not so blatant and in your face. If you're not terminally superficial, it's easy to find attractiveness in the appearance of almost any young woman you come across. Beauty in women is not a rare thing; on the contrary, it's the norm.

Brother, two points.

 

1) The Islam that we follow has a hadith where it says to be careful of ever calling anyone a Kafir, for if someone does, then either the person calling him/her a Kafir or the person being called a Kafir will go to hell. There is a good chance that calling someone a "Satanist troll" is more or less the equivalent to this, with a good chance of it being worse. Even if you have a problem with the discussion, no where in Islam does it teach us to dismiss them through name-calling. Or just resort to name-calling in general. Tread lightly, brother. For your own sake.

 

2) In terms of the discussion, unless you are blind there are going to be (often vastly) different levels of attraction from person to person. It's in human nature. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I'm not quite sure how this is difficult to understand... unless of course you live in this world.

Edited by YariAzQuran

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Brother, two points.

 

1) The Islam that we follow has a hadith where it says to be careful of ever calling anyone a Kafir, for if someone does, then either the person calling him/her a Kafir or the person being called a Kafir will go to hell. There is a good chance that calling someone a "Satanist troll" is more or less the equivalent to this, with a good chance of it being worse. Even if you have a problem with the discussion, no where in Islam does it teach us to dismiss them through name-calling. Or just resort to name-calling in general. Tread lightly, brother. For your own sake.

 

2) In terms of the discussion, unless you are blind there are going to be (often vastly) different levels of attraction from person to person. It's in human nature. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I'm not quite sure how this is difficult to understand... unless of course you live in this world.

 

1) I don't use this language lightly. This individual has been playing this troll game for years. You don't ask that sort of question from a sincere place as a Muslim. I don't say he is literally a Satanist, but that was a Shaytaani inspired question in the purest sense.

 

2) I said what I said precisely because I am NOT blind. Quite the contrary. It is those who think physical beauty is some rare diamond that are blind and brainwashed. Everyone has his fantasy ideal "preferences" for beauty. Every guy would like a Mercedes, but chances are, he's going to get a Civic. But that's OK, because a Civic is a perfectly nice, pleasant, satisfactory car. Any reasonable guy will be happy with a Civic.  In truth, roughly 99% or more of young women have enough physical beauty for any man to be attracted to over the long haul. I stand behind that with both feet in lead boots soldered to a metal floor. That's just a fact understood by those of us that have been around for awhile. Any man who doesn't find something sufficiently physically attractive in 99% of the women out there, there's something funny going on with him, I'm sorry to say.

 

Personality and character, on the other hand, that's a different story. Good character and personality is a much rarer beast to hunt. That's what really trims down the selection fast.

Edited by kadhim

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(salam)

 

It's all in the eye's of the beholder.  Someone may look pretty to another person but not so pretty to another person.  Also, someone's personality and character could be all that makes that person super beautiful (even physically).   This post feels like deja vu.

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To give an example of an acquaintance who once related it to us, the guy - a lively man given to good living - married a very religious, practicing and serious girl. Once during the honeymoon the guy tried to get his wife to take a bath together, you might say a playful and romantic gesture on his part, but the wife took serious offence and told her husband, "I am from a noble family. I don't do these kind of things. Please don't make me compromise my morals". The guy was aghast, bamboozled, flabbergasted at this response and the last I checked their marriage was that of compromise because there is next to zilch physical and mental compatibility between the two even though religiously you can say that they are not far apart.

 

What kind of husband shares such an intimate detail about his wife?!

 

Marbles, I don't know why you think this man had a valid reason to tell you what happened in his bedroom with you. No one should do that. And you don't start building great intimate relationship on your wedding night or honeymoon. It takes love, trust and time. And how can you even build trust if you broadcast everything wrong in your marriage to everyone.

Edited by Gypsy

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What kind of husband shares such an intimate detail about his wife?!

 

Marbles, I don't know why you think this man had a valid reason to tell you what happened in his bedroom with you. No one should do that. And you don't start building great intimate relationship on your wedding night or honeymoon. It takes love, trust and time. And how can you even build trust if you broadcast everything wrong in your marriage to everyone.

 

Although I have heard speak that women tend to be rather relaxed about discussing their intimate details among the group of their girlfriends, it's a big no-no with men to tell one another such intimate details. With that in mind, I confess that I wrote more than I should have: this was not related to me directly by the husband; I heard it through the grapevine, and I'm not positively sure who was the first person the husband in question confided in but I have an educated guess that it was one of his female friends, perhaps a college mate or a close cousin, who then leaked the story out.

Edited by Marbles

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The solution to making all who seem unattractive seem attractive is to never seduce yourself through harmful acts such as watching sexually explicit content or masturbating, if you set the bar high by these acts then you will always be disappointed because women and some men who are in movies and pornography are unrealistically attractive. if you don't do those acts then eventually you will become so hungry for sexual intercourse that you will be happy for any halal person.

 

And sex is like food, if you are starving and nearly to death then you will eat anything you find edible. same with sex, if you deprive yourself from sexual release through self-stimulation ( haram masturbation) then you will become so hungry for sex that you will accept whoever comes first because they will seem attractive even if they are not so.

 

But do the good thing, marry based on religion, not look. because looks decay over time, religion only becomes more firm with advancing age.

 

And religion has many features that are essential to a persons personality. I am sure various people can tell you and you probably know them.

 

Also God has promised a bountiful and happy future if marriage is done based on religion.

Edited by Sayed Faridoon Taha

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Well, I tend to think what is disgusting is someone of questionable motives trolling an Islamic site over a period of years to try to draw people away from Islam, but, hey, that's just me.

Apparently you have other priorities.

 

And regarding control of anger, my anger is a carefully honed katana and I am a ninja rage master.

 

There is a time for quiet forbearance.

 

And there is a time for verbal decapitation.

Edited by kadhim

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God has granted every woman atleast 1 beautiful feature.

Even if you find a woman really ugly, if you look carefully, you may notice she has beautiful skin or a dimple when she smiles.

 

If you don't want to believe this, then atleast know that every woman can look presentable by visiting the salon for a short period of time and wearing clothes that flatter her.

 

Don't judge a potential wife by looks alone. She must have a personality thats compatible with your own.

 

"Good looks alone are not enough. One must have the personality to go with it."

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Oh, I'm sorry. You're not? I think you'd have a lot less confusion if you stopped asking Satanist questions.

 

Sorry for the late answer, you didn't quote me, so I did not recieve a notification.

 

 

Let me cut it in paper as we say in my country: YOU are a slave, and I am a slave. Please act like a slave.

 

 

Peace, Sir. 

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If you faced a situation where you could choose between a beautiful girl, but the girl is non-religious, and choosing a girl who is "ugly", but indeed religious - what would you choose? The beautiful or the ugly one? 

 

 

 

I ask this, because many people do probably say "inshallah you will marry a beautiful wife" - but is it so important?

 

 

I would never want to be in such a position and if I had to choose against my will somehow then with either choice I would  be unhappily married.  While she may be religious, I am a man and God has created men to be physically attracted to women so I expect there will always be a void and yearning for attraction inside me - not a fulfilling marriage.  And if she is beautiful but not religious then I will feel we are worlds apart and my children will also not receive the correct upbringing.

 

People are different, there are some religious guys who don't care about their own aesthetics and presentation and will therefore not prioritise this in their partner. And there are those who do so as the single most important criteria. Others like myself seek a balance; looking after ones physical and spiritual self are not mutually exclusive and that is what I'd seek. But unfortunately these days it seems that girls in general do exactly that - they act as if the two are mutually exclusive. The religious girls don't look at themselves in them mirror while that's all the non-religious girls do! Where are the girls of balance? 

Edited by Transient

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^the religious girls often do look at themselves in the mirror but part of their hijab prohibits them from beautifying themselves to mahrams like urself and so they will no doubt look deficient in their beauty when compared to make-up clad, well-fitted clothed girls. there is no way in hell that two identical girls, one adorning perfect hijab with loose clothing, no make-up etc and the other dressing less modestly with make-up etc can be compared on an equal footing in terms of outward beauty. just ask the next beautiful woman u see in the street to wash her make up off, put a hijab around her head and wear loose clothes and u will be surprised at the transformation!

 

Bless this post!

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بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

السلام عليكم

 

Since the girl you marry is likely going to be the only female you can actually look at with lust until you die, of course her being easy on the eyes is a big plus.

 

And actually it's recommended to look at a girl before marriage.  What do you think the reason for this is?

 

Beyond this, both the guys and girls should remember a few things:

 

1) Realistically any girl can look beautiful if she puts an effort into it.  I don't care how naturally beautiful she is, if she goes awhile without removing hair on her body, doesn't take care of her body, is lax on hygiene, she won't be beautiful.  And same with the opposite.  And taking care of one's body and beautifying ones self is from the Sunnah and part of Islam for both guys and girls.

 

2) Realistically, when you're with someone for a while, their looks tend to 'neutralize' in your eyes.  So a girl who is not attractive will eventually look more attractive to you after seeing her for awhile (because you get used to her looks).  Similarly a girl who is beautiful will eventually not be as jaw-dropping beautiful to you after seeing her for awhile (because you get used to her looks)

 

3) A girl's personality actually has a big impact on her attractiveness.  If there's a girl who is blessed with a good body, yet she is mean and abusive and always backbites people, she will seem a lot more ugly.  Similarly, if there's a girl who is sweet, kind, confident in herself, and has a fun and cheery personality, she will seem a lot more attractive no matter what body she has.

And tbh a number of girls who obsess over their beauty have almost no personality (obviously there's exceptions).  What's the point of being with the most beautiful woman if you can't even hold a conversation with her and she's not really good at doing anything other than making herself look good?

 

4) Bro never underestimate the importance of having a religious wife.  Imagine if you have a wife who gets up in the middle of the night and prays and makes dua for you, crying and beseeching Allah(swt) to bless you and forgive you.  You can't buy that blessing with all of the money in the world.

 

 

So basically, both beauty and religion are important.  But most girls can become beautiful with a little bit of effort (and everyone's perception of beauty is different).  And her personality and religion are key.

And if you have a choice between a beautiful girl who is lax on her religion and an average looking girl (who you still kinda attractive) who is strong in her religion, then go with the latter.

 

And i'm sure you're aware of the famous hadith that goes along the lines of: Women are married for four reasons: For her money, for her social status, for her beauty, and for her religion, so chose the one that has religion, may you be successful.

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Beauty is more than skin deep. I find many women attractive that most men would cringe at. Like many other posters said, personality is very important.

 

I will always want to choose the religious sister, inshaAllah.

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It is not possible to attain true faith with a gut

 

now that is pure wisdom right there  ^_^

Edited by wayfarer.

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In my opinion, beauty and attractiveness can have a different meaning. There are alot of beautiful girls but are not necessarily attractive because beauty is only from the outside, attractiveness is the outside and the inside combined. There are so many girls that are not beautiful yet are attractive, how? Their character, behaviour, manners, modesty, humbleness, education, confidence, Iman, Akhlagh, having a purpose and golas in life, ...etc alot of these play a big role in shaping a woman's attractiveness, the more of these a woman has, the more attractive she is. Now it is up to the man to consider which qualification is attractive for him and which is not.

 

I think it is the attractiveness that makes a marriage successful and not necessarily the beauty, because attractiveness carries a broader meaning than beauty which carries only one meaning (good physical appearance). When a man wants to marry a woman, he must look for the qualifications/attractions that last the longest, because when he marries her he is virtually marrying these attractions. If a man marries a woman only for her beauty then the marriage will come to an end when this beauty vanishes for any reason and he will find out that there is no other qualification that can keep him attracted to her. But when she has so many other attractive qualifications then the marriage lasts longer and possibly forever.

 

So I think it is all about attraction than beauty. Plus, as the brother/sister mentioned earlier, a person must take care of him/herself as much as possible to provide that physical attraction for the spouse.

 

Anyways, there is a persian saying: "Kabootar ba kabootar, baz ba baz konad hamjens ba hamjens parvaz" I'll leave the other persian members to do the exact translation lol. But the general meaning is that you will fly with the kinds of yourself. It all depends on you, what you are is what you will receive.

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It's as if this question is telling me I won't be satisfied with my marriage regardless of my choice.

My logic:

Why not have an attractive spouse? If she refuses to practice Islam and does not abandon sin, then I at the very least can cover for myself in that I can do what is required of me. I can still be sincere to Allah (Glory be to Allah), while having a good looking wife. Therefore, I can fulfill my sexual desires and at the same time make a request to Allah that my wife be guided, but with a wife that is not as pleasing to the eyes, that is a much more difficult situation for me, a needless amount of extra effort, right?

 

If saying this renders me a munafiq hypocrite, then know I ask for the forgiveness of Allah and that I admit that I am ignorant of much.

 

This question is a bit vague; it leaves much up to interpretation and guesswork. Hopefully my wife is not a fornicator.

edit:

Question: Am i responsible to some extent for my wife's actions in deen? If she is a blatant sinner, what of me? Also, I'm not married, this is just a projection.

Edited by blu115

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Brother, listen and take advice from married persons.

You will have to look at her only few times, with interest, but rest of time, you just have to BE with her (with her mind, thoughts and tongue), as part of each other personality, so, consider 99% percent of life time instead of just 1% of time.

The religious lady will try and struggle hard to comfort you in every way possible, and will struggle hard to keep you happy (to make her Allah pleased with her).

The other lady's beauty would be useless, if she would be denying your needs and disrespecting you, every way possible. (haven't you seen beautiful [edited], can you consider living with them always, 100% of time ?)

I have seen not so good looking religious ladies (having below ordinary facial features and so on), but religious practices always puts attraction in them, prayers makes their faces shine, and fasting makes them smart.

Now everything is possible to make any lady beautiful, there are complexion changing creams, colored lenses, hair coloring/styling, and cosmetic surgeries, for worst.

Go with religious lady, and make this life heaven, and get paradise in after life.

[Note from moderator: inappropriate language for an Islamic forum. Using asterisks doesn't make any difference.]

Edited by Haydar Husayn

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No woman wants to marry a man who thinks she is ugly, be she religious or not.
All women have an innate need to feel beautiful. So long as at least her husband feels she is beautiful

that is enough for her.

Men need to feel competent and accomplished even if it is only his wife who says so. 

Women need to feel beautiful and precious even if it is only her husband who says so.

 

If a woman believes her husband thinks she is ugly, she will most probably get very depressed and hence she will

be unable to give you much happiness in the marriage. The marriage will fail.

 

Yes it is an ego thing but so what? The ego needs to be fed too.

 

I love you is not enough. I love you because you are beautiful and precious and you are all mine, bingo.

Tell that to your wife every day and observe what difference it makes.

 

I used to be against boosting peoples egos but now I know that a little boost is absolutely necessary for happiness.

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these are paths in marriage:

 

religious lady:

You partner with her and with time, start loving her, when you will have children with her, your love for her will increase exponentially.

 

beautiful lady (with stubbornness/attitude issues):

You start your married life, liking her, and with time (when her beauty clouds in front of eyes, will starts fading), you will start hating her (by seeing her real face underneath of beautiful mask), and with each children, her attitude will effect you as well as your children, which, in most cases would result in divorce, ruining your and your children's life.

 

If you will have 30 to 50 years, or many more years, of married life, consistent increasing love is way better path than consistent increasing hate (which I am sure will result in very less married life, one way or another... if you know what I mean ;) )

Edited by anzurna

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I was going to post that after 50 years they'll look the same so why does it matter. But it looks like some brothers are really taking the subject seriously so I'll add that compatibility is really important. Most people aren't beautiful to everyone, but someone will perceive them that way.

And as for a woman beautifying herself for her husband, not all men appreciate that! Some men hate makeup, dancing, or whatever else might be in that category. Intimacy is much more than this superficial level. Though it is important for women to consider her husband's needs. At least until she has kids and has no more time for even herself. OK I'm joking but some days it feels like that.

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Another point:

 

When you will be returning tired and stressed out, religious lady will take your burden from you, will share your worries. You will find your home, a resting heaven, to freshen up and planning you next day.

 

On other hand, arrogant one will put her negative thoughts and feelings on you as soon as you step inside. Due to her looks (as per her past experiences and expectations), she will always be thinking that she deserves way more than you have provided, she will never be satisfied with anything ever. She will never be happy, no matter how much you will struggle (as wishes are always unlimited). You will be stressed out, feeling depressed, having anxiety attacks, always thinking about taking wrong turns away from home, on way back home. Your house will be living hell. Your comforts will be away from home.

 

It is up to you, to make your house heaven by selecting religious lady or living hell by selecting arrogant one.

Edited by anzurna

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No woman wants to marry a man who thinks she is ugly, be she religious or not.

All women have an innate need to feel beautiful. So long as at least her husband feels she is beautiful

that is enough for her.

Men need to feel competent and accomplished even if it is only his wife who says so. 

Women need to feel beautiful and precious even if it is only her husband who says so.

 

If a woman believes her husband thinks she is ugly, she will most probably get very depressed and hence she will

be unable to give you much happiness in the marriage. The marriage will fail.

 

Yes it is an ego thing but so what? The ego needs to be fed too.

 

I love you is not enough. I love you because you are beautiful and precious and you are all mine, bingo.

Tell that to your wife every day and observe what difference it makes.

 

I used to be against boosting peoples egos but now I know that a little boost is absolutely necessary for happiness.

That's so true and this is a big problem. I have seen that most men (95%) prefer other women over their wives. I have seen men with beautiful wives behaving the same way and going after other women. Most men are mean and abusive with their wives. And I don't buy that argument that they have stress from work. Every man can be sweet, kind and act like a romeo as long as he is not dealing with his own wife and this behavior is considered acceptable. 

Edited by Mokhtar2012

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Brothers and older brothers I can see the wisdom with which you speak. My original post was probably made in the mindset of being a bit.."greedy" for a better word. I guess youthful impatience got the better of me in my decision-making process.

But I really can't begin to imagine how a woman i wouldn't even want to smile at right off the bat would make me like her more after time? I mean I'd need to like her in the first place to get things going.

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