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Sapphire

Why The Divorce Rate Is Increasing?

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(salam) Brothers & Sisters,

 

I trust you are all in the best of health. 

 

Firstly a dua for you all. 

 

I pray that all you brothers and sisters who are married have the best marriage filled with love and compassion. And both of you grow stronger religiously together and never ever ever have to face separation. And if you are facing difficulty in marriage may Allah(swt) put mercy and love in your hearts for each other. Ameen.

 

And for those brothers and sisters who are not yet married, I pray that you find the best spouse who would love and cherish you. Put all your needs before his/her own needs. And you never ever ever have to face separation. Ameen.

 

I got married several months ago and I have been researching on marriage rights and divorce quite a lot. For what I have understood, marriage in Islam is such a sacred bond but nowadays we are toying with it, abusing it. Why? Allah(swt) has made this bond so beautiful. Allah(swt) has made your spouse your garment. A human being who supports you emotionally and completes you. Your spouse is your wonderful companion. Allah(swt) has put mercy and love between you two. :wub:

 

I have seen couples separating and for the most absurd reasons. The divorce rate is on the rise which really pains my heart. Islamically, it is a permissible act but why do we forget that it is disliked by Allah(swt).

 

I was researching on what kind of women should be divorced and came across the following hadith. I hope it will stress my point of writing this thread. 

 

It was reported to the Holy Prophet that Abu Ayyub Ansari had decided to divorce his wife. The Prophet knew the woman personally. He also knew that Abu Ayyub's decision was not justified. He said: "Divorcing Umme Ayyub (Abu Ayyub's wife) is a deadly sin".

 

The Holy Prophet said that Gabriel had exhorted and counselled him so much in respect of women that he felt that it was not permissible to divorce a woman, except when she was guilty of adultery.

 

Imam Sadiq (AS) has reported that the Holy Prophet said:

 

"There is nothing more pleasing to Allah(swt) than the house where a marriage takes place, and nothing is more displeasing to Him(swt) than the house where it is severed by divorce"

 

Imam Sadiq (AS) has also said that the word 'divorce' has been mentioned in the Qur'an time and again and its details have been given because Allah(swt) hates separation of couples.

 

AI-Tabarsi in the Makarim al-Aklaq has quoted the Prophet as saying: "Do marry but do not divorce, for divorce shakes the throne of Allah(swt)".

 

Imam Sadiq (AS) has said: "No permissible act is more displeasing to Allah than divorce. Allah dislikes those who resort to divorce again and again".

 

May Allah(swt) have mercy on us all and also guide us to the right path. And also make us in to a true momin. Ameen. 

 

 

(wasalam)

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nice hadith.

I will tell you why the divorce rate is increasing :

One of the partners in the couple likes himself more than his spouse. So what happens, is that he serves himself before and puts his rights and needs before the other partner without realizing. And the other partner does the same, so the respect and love is gone.

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>For what I have understood, marriage in Islam is such a sacred bond but nowadays we are toying with it, abusing it. Why? Allah(swt) has made this bond   so beautiful. Allah(swt) has made your spouse your garment. A human being who supports you emotionally and completes you.Your spouse is   you wonderful companion. Allah(swt) has put mercy and love between you two.  :wub:.

^ this................

people marrying nowadays don't not consider spouse as their garment.........at least mine didn't...........

other reasons......

1.people are less tolerant of each other in general,

2.women are becoming financially more independent,

3.men are acting less like men these days and more like spineless jellyfishes . this wasn't true for  the men of my father's and grandfather's generation

4..most of the husbands i have seen around me look at their marital responsibilities as a chore rather than as a way to progress in religion

5..females are more career oriented than being more focused on their primary roles: wife and mother

        its never one thing, it rather combination of lots of factors

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I think one of the most important overlooked parts of this discussion are the changing views of the function of marriage. In the past and even in certain societies today, marriage was meant to fill a necessary social function and people did/do it because they need to... Not to seek some sort of "Hollywoodized" sense of completion in their life. People who have been influenced by Western ideals seek absolute gratification through their spouses and fail to realize that the other needs their own space to be human and flawed. Those who go into marriages to seek complete emotional fulfillment and have high expectations about it will inevitably be disappointed. You are choosing to live your life with someone who is real, and therefore has real problems. Marriage is a time where all of the partner's flaws come to surface and you're going to have to live with that.. That's your test from God. I don't mean to paint marriage as this dreadful picture. It is actually a really great experience and one of the greatest spiritual exercises in which its sweetness can be seen in how these problems are solved among the partners.

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(Salam)

To add to the point how much divorce is unliked, Imam Hussein (as) said, "It is better for a person to cut someone's jugular vein ( to the extent that the person dies of it) than to create separation between a couple. "

The reasons for divorce:

1) Ego

2) Too many demands

3) Love for worldly things connected to the spouse & not his/her character.

4) Irresponsiblility

5) No trust on one another

6) Immaturity

7) Distance from religion/Love for the world

8) Misunderstandings/Doubts about one another

9) Inability to support one another (as in case of not a good job)

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>For what I have understood, marriage in Islam is such a sacred bond but nowadays we are toying with it, abusing it. Why? Allah(swt) has made this bond   so beautiful. Allah(swt) has made your spouse your garment. A human being who supports you emotionally and completes you.Your spouse is   you wonderful companion. Allah(swt) has put mercy and love between you two.  :wub:.

^ this................

people marrying nowadays don't not consider spouse as their garment.........at least mine didn't...........

other reasons......

1.people are less tolerant of each other in general,

2.women are becoming financially more independent,

3.men are acting less like men these days and more like spineless jellyfishes . this wasn't true for  the men of my father's and grandfather's generation

4..most of the husbands i have seen around me look at their marital responsibilities as a chore rather than as a way to progress in religion

5..females are more career oriented than being more focused on their primary roles: wife and mother

        its never one thing, it rather combination of lots of factors

why thank you dear sis , 

I am proud to say I am from that vintage , the last of the real mohicans .

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(salam)

 

I think one reason the divorce rate is on the rise is that older couples no longer care [as much] about what the community will say. After decades of trying and failing to have a decent relationship with their spouses, people are realizing that things will never change, and are ending the matter.

 

I have a Korean friend who says that "golden divorces" are becoming common in Korean society, where couples divorce after their children grow up and get married. My friend says her parents will probably go through this because they've never seen eye to eye on anything, and generally can't stand each other. Her parents are pretty much staying together only for the sake of their kids. I guess that's understandable, seeing as they're tired of living like this. I don't think I could stand that kind of life, but I bet some members here would argue that if a couple has been married for over two decades, they might as well stick through to it till the end. You'd have to have a heck of a lot of patience to deal with someone you hate until the day you die.

Edited by Gotham

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^ I read a famous astrologist's yearly "predictions" and he wrote that divorce rate will reach new heights in 2014. Wallahu aalim. :)

 

Salaam,

It seems the divorce rates are increasing because women are starting to act like men and vice versa. A man doesn't want to marry a man, nor does a woman want another woman, unless there are complicated issues within, which is probably why they're looking toward divorce.

 

This bro has spaketh the truthe, and has confined the river in a tea cup, as the idiom goes. The latest generations of women are all highly educated and have learnt to be just like men and have equality with him on all levels, however then they retain their special womanly status and perks because of it. As a result the God intended design of a family and the balance in relationship is all but disturbed and malfunctioning. Today we are taught what the west decided and have option to become what the west decided. Sadly it is poison to our cultures and societies. We never learned to respect our spouse's parents, for example. We never learned about natural things. We're lifeless tools. We're only reaping what we sowed.

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The traditions you quoted that discourage divorce are inauthentic.

 

For a people who believe in and encourage temporary marriage (mut'ah), which basically equals a prenegotiated marriage term and divorce (marriage cancellation) it is quite strange that you claim Islam discourages divorce. Where is your common sense?

 

It is narrated in Shi'ah history books that your own Imams, including the Prophet himself (sa) divorced some women.

 

Muslims in the past divorced less because divorce was socially stigmatized but it isn't as much anymore and I think that is good.

 

Couples in the past were unhappily married but they stayed married for the sake of others.

 

Now they have more courage to end the misery and that is what divorce is there for.

 

Only a total fool would remain married though unhappy in the marriage. Not only would you be ruining your happiness but ruining the happiness

of your spouse. Go find a spouse that makes you feel happy silly don't be a dummy. God wants you to be happy in His obedience, not unhappy in 

His obedience.

 

So if you are unhappily married but you stay married you are ruining your heart and imprisoning your spirit.

 

The main reason why people divorce is people change. You may be compatible in the beginning but you grow apart because you both evolve. This is

natural. It is rare that a couple evolves in the same direction.

 

If reconciliation doesn't bring about mutual happiness divorce is a good choice.

 

There are so many wonderful potential spouses out there. 

 

I think Muslims should divorce more often because I see a lot of unhappy Muslims couples who avoid divorce because people like you make them feel like sinners if they divorce.

Edited by followthetruth

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OP: Same reason why everybody is getting fat now days; eating the food of the 19th century while moving their bodies for the 21st century lifestyles.

 

Men treat their wives like they used to treat them in 19th century but failing to realize its 21st century schooled women they are dealing with. I've seen many households where women work 8 hrs+ day jobs but once get home, they end up doing all house chores as if they are a full time homemaker housewives.

 

Women are not better either. They, as soon as get the whiff of the money they are earning, think that they can be all and can replace a man's role, without thinking of the compromises, the sacrifice, the mutual give and take it takes for any union to work. 

 

I've seen many houses broken due to the apathy (laziness) of the men and due to the venomous tongues of the women.

 

There are whole bunch of other factors too which contribute to the divorces; mostly stemming from the fact that majority of those who are divorced, at least one spouse is not deserving to be married in the first place due to her/his mental immaturity.

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Men treat their wives like they used to treat them in 19th century but failing to realize its 21st century schooled women they are dealing with. I've seen many households where women work 8 hrs+ day jobs but once get home, they end up doing all house chores as if they are a full time homemaker housewives.

And women making 3k a month think they can spend all that money themselves, and the husband has to make the same amount and spend it for family.

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As Gotham said, golden divorces. It dose not come as a result of a woman being working nor because she is educated. She usually waits till her kids get jobs then they can all move out of the father's custody to their own house minus the father. Well, at least those the golden divorces that i've seen.

 

Other divorces are the silly divorces : because her hijab is pink, because his style is trashy, because her mother is loud, because his sister is nosy, because she has no political view , because he has no sense of humor (oh well that would be me)

 

There are various reasons for divorces but as Maryam said, when the support from the community is lacking to fix these jeopardized marriages then it is natural that the number will increase. Quran speaks about this in case of unstable marriages that the man and woman should seek a third party to get things solved.

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Salam,

People marrying the wrong people and early marriages are one of the reasons why we have high divorce rate. It's best to marry in your mid 20's or 30's because couples that marry in that age slot seem to have a more stable marriage,as both parties are mature enough to listen and fix some of their behaviour...

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Salam,

People marrying the wrong people and early marriages are one of the reasons why we have high divorce rate. It's best to marry in your mid 20's or 30's because couples that marry in that age slot seem to have a more stable marriage,as both parties are mature enough to listen and fix some of their behaviour...

Late marriages come with their own baggage. They might nor end up in divorces but are very transnational.

 

Best ones are, early marriages with lots of family support from both sides of the family mostly on emotional levels without the negative fuss of the rouge elements in the mix.

 

Have seen tons of successful early marriages. Key there is parents from both sides act as a glue and a guide as things get rocky in the beginning till things settle down and edges become softer.

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Late marriages come with their own baggage. They might nor end up in divorces but are very transnational.

Best ones are, early marriages with lots of family support from both sides of the family mostly on emotional levels without the negative fuss of the rouge elements in the mix.

Have seen tons of successful early marriages. Key there is parents from both sides act as a glue and a guide as things get rocky in the beginning till things settle down and edges become softer.

Actually,not everyone that delays marriage will have a drity past. Some people like to focus on one thing and want to build their own statues before considering marriage and some delay purely because they have not meet anyone that they can live with for the rest of their lifes. I think that men are under more pressure to work and make a good living before considering marriage. Yes,families want their daughters to not struggle specially if they been treated like princesses. They can not go to a place that is not as good as their families house. Your meant to go to a better place,and not to his families house that has one room for you.. Some woman dont mind staying with his family but others do have an issue. Staying at his families house can cause problems and lead to divorce,specially if the mother in law doesnt like the girl...

When you marry you need to be able to handle things by yourself and none of your parents should be involved in your marriage. It's two people that are marrying and not a whole family. They may help the un mature ones but if your mature enough to marry then you dont need your parents helping you emotionally or even financelly.

People that marry early are usually just excited at the thought of getting married. They do not understand the responsibality and duties they have,thats why they need their parents by their side to guide them. Am not saying all young marriages dont work but they have their down sides to. Late marriages might have some baggage but the indivdual will at least be more stable and mature enough to sort out problems by themselves,inside of consulting their parents to help them sort out their problem.

The real issue is selecting the right person and thinking of long term goals,inside of blindly agreeing just because you want to get married. Any age group can make this mistake. Divorce is still taboo for some people and some cultures. So some people are like the older generation,they will stay in rubbish marriages,just to avoid divorce.

Not that many people have the sabar to stay in a marriage and take nonsense from their spouse. It's better to leave then stay in hell,with someone you can not longer stand. Offcourse,divorce is the last solution and it should not be considered if the issue can be solved. Some people just marry without knowledge and understanding,and thats why we see people divorcing over minior issues. And miscommuincation is the biggest issue. People should work on that,some woman dont give direct answer as to whats annoying them and that confuses the guy and puzzels him. Will some men are too drirect that it can hurt her feelings...

Edited by kim.tinkerbell

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When you marry you need to be able to handle things by yourself and none of your parents should be involved in your marriage. It's two people that are marrying and not a whole family. They may help the un mature ones but if your mature enough to marry then you dont need your parents helping you emotionally or even financelly.

Not that many people have the sabar to stay in a marriage and take nonsense from their spouse. It's better to leave then stay in hell,with someone you can not longer stand. Offcourse,divorce is the last solution and it should not be considered if the issue can be solved. Some people just marry without knowledge and understanding,and thats why we see people divorcing over minior issues. And miscommuincation is the biggest issue. People should work on that,some woman dont give direct answer as to whats annoying them and that confuses the guy and puzzels him. Will some men are too drirect that it can hurt her feelings...

Actually marriage is a coming together of two families. Even the :Prophet (saw) married a lot of his wives so that those tribes would get along with him. Plus the kids will be playing and seeing both sets of grandparents, so just do not assume that it is only a relationship between the couple and no one else in the family. Although you do need to be mature enough to handle situations on your own most of the time.

 

Also I went to ISNA this past fall and they said the :Muslim divorce rate is 1 in 3 in america :(

People today focus too much on how to get married and not how to be ready for married life. At my MSA at my uni we had a lecture on marriage and they only talked about how to get married and how to approach a man or woman, not what the responsibilities and rights of the husband, wife, kids, and in-laws are.

Late marriages come with their own baggage. They might nor end up in divorces but are very transnational.

 

Best ones are, early marriages with lots of family support from both sides of the family mostly on emotional levels without the negative fuss of the rouge elements in the mix.

 

Have seen tons of successful early marriages. Key there is parents from both sides act as a glue and a guide as things get rocky in the beginning till things settle down and edges become softer.

Right on point bro. :Inshallah you find some one soon!

Edited by Ruffles

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(salam)

 

Having over 35 + years of married life , I would say the main reason that divorce is increasing is that the wife/wives are allowed to divorce.

I find that women tend to get very emotional during certain times of their lives , whether it be for psychological or hormonal reasons.

They often change their minds frequently throughout their lives .

They have a very emotional attachment to "love", and it's relation to marriage.

Which as a man I find are two separate things.

I feel that love is nice to have but not a necessity in a marriage.

The love I speak of is this "big love" between a man and a woman .

It's a catalyst for marriage and kids etc , but it doesn't keep a marriage together.

So when a woman does not feel this love any longer , or is going through her "stages" , she feels she has lost something special.

And because many women today are given the choice to divorce , they choose it quickly or play the game to get it.

This is what I've seen in my 35+ years of marriage.

In most cases the husband does not want to divorce as love is not the motivating factor of marriage for him.

It is sex and family, and sex can be satisfied with or without the wife , so that's taken care of , and he has the family .

Only the woman is willingly to risk all for this feeling of "love".

All the wrong reasons of marriage in the first place.

In :islam , the right of divorce is only given to the husband , provide the husband fulfils his role economically , treats his wife/wives justly and equally and doesn't abuse her contrary to :Islam , there is no power on Earth that can grant divorce.

My advise is to don't take the easiest option , try everything else to make it work .

Yes :Islam allows divorce but only as a last most unfavourable option.

My secret for happy long marriage , is to make it till you're old.

When you're wives are old and they cannot hear much or say much , how can they ask for divorce?

They can hardly remember what they said a few minutes ago .

Then you have mobility , I mean divorce is a long process , trips to the lawyers , to the courts , etc .

Now if they're are limited in mobility , it is a good determent for them not to go through the process.

And what about love , what happens to the love as you get old ?

Let me tell you , it's all about survival now , and making it to the bathroom on time .

Love doesn't get you there any quicker , or softens your fall if you lose a step, or keep you warm at night .

That warm and fuzzy feeling that you use to get when you were in love , well when you get older and if you still feel this , it's probably the medication you're on.

You stick to marriage for long enough , you will see that "love" is just an illusion.

 

ws

 

 

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And women making 3k a month think they can spend all that money themselves, and the husband has to make the same amount and spend it for family.

Yes, that is what Islam teaches is her right. But compromises need to be made for individual circumstances.

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(salam)

Having over 35 + years of married life , I would say the main reason that divorce is increasing is that the wife/wives are allowed to divorce.

I find that women tend to get very emotional during certain times of their lives , whether it be for psychological or hormonal reasons.

They often change their minds frequently throughout their lives .

They have a very emotional attachment to "love", and it's relation to marriage.

Which as a man I find are two separate things.

I feel that love is nice to have but not a necessity in a marriage.

The love I speak of is this "big love" between a man and a woman .

It's a catalyst for marriage and kids etc , but it doesn't keep a marriage together.

So when a woman does not feel this love any longer , or is going through her "stages" , she feels she has lost something special.

And because many women today are given the choice to divorce , they choose it quickly or play the game to get it.

This is what I've seen in my 35+ years of marriage.

In most cases the husband does not want to divorce as love is not the motivating factor of marriage for him.

It is sex and family, and sex can be satisfied with or without the wife , so that's taken care of , and he has the family .

Only the woman is willingly to risk all for this feeling of "love".

All the wrong reasons of marriage in the first place.

In :islam , the right of divorce is only given to the husband , provide the husband fulfils his role economically , treats his wife/wives justly and equally and doesn't abuse her contrary to :Islam , there is no power on Earth that can grant divorce.

My advise is to don't take the easiest option , try everything else to make it work .

Yes :Islam allows divorce but only as a last most unfavourable option.

My secret for happy long marriage , is to make it till you're old.

When you're wives are old and they cannot hear much or say much , how can they ask for divorce?

They can hardly remember what they said a few minutes ago .

Then you have mobility , I mean divorce is a long process , trips to the lawyers , to the courts , etc .

Now if they're are limited in mobility , it is a good determent for them not to go through the process.

And what about love , what happens to the love as you get old ?

Let me tell you , it's all about survival now , and making it to the bathroom on time .

Love doesn't get you there any quicker , or softens your fall if you lose a step, or keep you warm at night .

That warm and fuzzy feeling that you use to get when you were in love , well when you get older and if you still feel this , it's probably the medication you're on.

You stick to marriage for long enough , you will see that "love" is just an illusion.

ws

Wow that was insightful. I see a lot of old couples who are bored but I thought it was apaki thing. What about those old couples who still act like thy love each other very much? Or how the :Prophet (saw) loved :Khadijah (as) so much he cried when he remembered her years after her death?

Also, if a man abuses his wife or forces her to work while he chooses not to, does the wife have the power to divorce? She can just leave him?

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Wow that was insightful. I see a lot of old couples who are bored but I thought it was apaki thing. What about those old couples who still act like thy love each other very much? Or how the :Prophet (saw) loved :Khadijah (as) so much he cried when he remembered her years after her death?

Also, if a man abuses his wife or forces her to work while he chooses not to, does the wife have the power to divorce? She can just leave him?

depends on the type of job he forces her to do , like forcing her to become  an investment banker , a doctor or a lawyer and selling her soul .

She has the right to divorce and seek compensation for the trauma caused, as it will take many years to reverse the damages.

She will never be the same again , look at me .

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depends on the type of job he forces her to do , like forcing her to become  an investment banker , a doctor or a lawyer and selling her soul .

She has the right to divorce and seek compensation for the trauma caused, as it will take many years to reverse the damages.

She will never be the same again , look at me .

Can't tell if you're joking partially or not? But I know a few girls who were forced by their parents to marry men who now make their wives work and pay all the bills for everything while he still demands his rights. And these girls are working low paying jobs too.

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Also, if a man abuses his wife or forces her to work while he chooses not to, does the wife have the power to divorce? She can just leave him?

 

I don't know about physical abuse, but I asked Sayyed Sistani about a husband forcing his wife to work, and his representative said she doesn't gain the power to divorce, and she must be patient (presumably waiting for the husband to either get off his lazy posterior or divorce her?) but she is no longer obligated to obey him or ask his permission to go out from the house.  So she could leave him, but she wouldn't be divorced unless he divorces her or she finds a jurist to divorce on his behalf.

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I don't know about physical abuse, but I asked Sayyed Sistani about a husband forcing his wife to work, and his representative said she doesn't gain the power to divorce, and she must be patient (presumably waiting for the husband to either get off his lazy posterior or divorce her?) but she is no longer obligated to obey him or ask his permission to go out from the house.  So she could leave him, but she wouldn't be divorced unless he divorces her or she finds a jurist to divorce on his behalf.

What is the point of the marriage if neither party is getting its rights fulfilled then?

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Can't tell if you're joking partially or not? But I know a few girls who were forced by their parents to marry men who now make their wives work and pay all the bills for everything while he still demands his rights. And these girls are working low paying jobs too.

wow , what can I say ?

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The sad truth is, there are many men that simply cannot afford to support a wife, and keep her at home, and I am talking just looking after her basic needs, such as food and basic clothing. I think its a bit harsh to call these men losers. Many women go out to work nowadays too, to help with the family finances, to give the kids better opportunities. Women shouldn't think that have are above going out to work, ideally yes even I would like to stay at home and be a housewife, sometimes that just isn't possible.

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Ruffles: Some men (and women) are just losers. [Edited Out]py, low-life, scumbag losers. I don't know how men like that can live with themselves or have any self esteem.

 

 

:Samii - are these men from Pakistani origins ?

 

Samii, since we are stereotyping, what about Iranian women???

 

A well written, spelling mined article by a burnt Iranian man about the women of Iran.

[EDITED]

 

My Take: In my past living in LA and also seeing Iranian communities in North East of USA, I would have a real hard time disagreeing with the the author.

 

Here's the article in its full glory:

[EDITED]

Edited by Basim Ali
Sexist, racist article. Member banned.

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^ This made me sad. I am pretty sure Iran didn't force hijab on iranian women because they especially need it. Hijab is wajib on all women, and it was made wajib by Allah. My experience with Iranian women is just opposite, they are very sweet, kind, modest and simple. I like them more than desi women. . I have said it before, you can see scarves and big chadars in other countries, but you see true hijab only in Iran and Iraq. If Iranian women are lazy, I hope they remain lazy, and they never become "active" like Pakistani women. 

Edited by Mokhtar2012

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