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In the Name of God بسم الله

Poor Jokes [OFFICIAL THREAD]

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Following Trump's speech to the UN, an Independent newspaper reader asks, "Is there such a thing as taking patriotism too seriously?" To which another reader replies, "Perhaps when you invade Poland".

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I read a Jewish joke the other day (it went something along the lines of:) A rabbi and a taxi driver arrive at the gates of heaven, an angel comes to greet them and immediately ushers the taxi dr

two sodium atoms walking down a street   atom 1: oh no.... searching his pockets...... i lost an electron atome 2: are you sure? atom 1: i am positive.

Told in the mosque by the imam: A flood came and a man climbed a tree. A truck came by and offered the man a ride and the man said, "no thanks, Allah will help me". The water rose and a boat

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There was a cottage burning by the side of the road. The owner - a poor ragged wretch of a woman - was weeping over her disaster, sitting on the ground a few steps away. 

Suddenly, a drunken man happened along. He saw the fire, saw the woman, and asked if that was her house.

"It's mine, yes, sir, and all I have in the world."

"Do you mind if I light my cigar from it?"

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The United Arab Emirates hailed the directives and decisions of King Salman, following the unfortunate incident that killed Khashoggi, reported to the official state news agency WAM.
Sheikh Abdullah bin Zayed, Minister of Foreign Affairs and International Cooperation, commended the [King] for his great and keen attention in this matter. 
“The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, represented by its leadership, was and still is a state of institutions based on justice and equity.

The royal decisions and actions taken after the investigation in this case reaffirm these values and established principles to ensure the application of law and justice,” he added.

http://www.arabnews.com/node/1390871/saudi-arabia

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Another Milton Berle . . . well, actually, a Jack Benny:

l was approached by a Hollywood producer. He said 'they' wanted to do a documentary on the life of a radical-lslamic moderate.

He went on to say that 'they' were going to change-the-names-to-protect-the-innocent: grade school teachers, reform school teachers, college instructors, service friends, mother and father . . .

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A lady came to a 'mulla' 'priest' 'today's scholar type fake ones' and said.

O scholar I want to marry this handsome actor he is so dashing and I like him, Mulla said no dont do it you will go to hell

She said O scholar I want to marry this singer his voice is no nice and I like him, he said No don't do it you will go to hell

Finally she said O Mulla I want to marry you, Mulla said Ohhh so now you want to go to Paradise huh? :clap:

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For the first time ever l saw the opening of one of those Baking shows.

Gawd, how awful . . . blahhhhh

The moderator said something about an e-Claire  --l guess that is different than a snail-Claire-- having some topping with chocolate and "drizzled with lemon".

Who writes this cwap? The same person who writes those fancy menus at over-priced restaurants? "Rich, creamy butter" instead of something healthy like "poor, fat-free margarine" ?

lf someone wants a cookin' show, why not an Amerikan one?  "American Sandwiches" can be one idea. Show how to cook an American Hamburger, well-done, dusted with garlic and splashed with cocktail sauce.

So, now l am watching the knife show . . . 188 piece knife set for $290 . . . but none of them are the throwing kind. The skinners and buck-cutters look OK.  This settled my stomach.

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Maryam was trying to translate some French. So she turns to me and asks how you'd translate "Le Seigneur des Anneaux", she knows that it's by Tolkien.

"Mimi it's hardly likely to be the Hobbit is it?"

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Reader comments on the case of John Allen Chau, the American Christian missionary, who sought to preach to the Sentinelse and uncontacted tribe in the Indian ocean.

So here's the obvious query:

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On his preaching mission he didnt realise that western common diseases such as flu can cause fast and deadly epidemics to these isolated people .

Which gets the following response:

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Nah cause Jesus heals innit

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And another Milton Berle:

Having serious insomnia and forgetting things, l finally found my way to my physicians office . . . yesterday?

Whatever. He suggested l be tested for age-related problems.

So l responded to these questions, had my head examined and so on.

Finally he calls me back to the office at the end of the day. He said after several consultations he really couldn't say what was wrong with me.

He said, "lt is difficult to diagnose senility in really-stupid-people."

l am going to get a third opinion.

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On 11/22/2018 at 2:40 PM, Haji 2003 said:

John Allen Chau, the American Christian missionary, who sought to preach to the Sentinelse and uncontacted tribe in the Indian ocean.

 I heard he was actually using Google Maps and just ended up there.

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From Another Milton Berle:

lst Iady:  We had some foreigners move into our neighborhood.

2nd Iady: Where are they from?

lst Iady:  Alabama.

2nd Iady:  Yep, those Yankees still keep coming to Florida.

lst Iady:  l guess they Iike all the excitement Hurricane City has to offer.

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On 11/25/2018 at 4:29 PM, Haji 2003 said:

She kidnapped & locked by General Sisi :D

cdc679bebbe282e170ab6fe0dca8445e_471.jpg

on coffin is written Egypt

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“Of course, people don’t really study history any longer,” he [General Sir Nick Carter - Chief of the Defence Staff] said, pointing to a recent survey of 2,000 people about the First World War. “Fifty per cent thought Winston Churchill was the prime minister at the time, and 10 per cent thought it was Margaret Thatcher; 20 per cent thought we were fighting the French; 6 per cent thought it was President Kennedy’s assassination that triggered the war. And when asked what the bloodiest battle of the war was, 16 per cent voted for Pearl Harbour, 8 per cent for Independence Day, 7 per cent for Hastings and 5 per cent for Helm’s Deep – yes that’s 100 of the 2,000 who were asked – who thought it was a battle in the Lord of the Rings trilogy”.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/brexit-theresa-may-russia-china-iran-security-eu-defence-secretary-a8678626.html

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3 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

What did the Arab say to the Jew?

Yosemite.

:hahaha:

l can't find "Yosemite" in the Bible. http://kingjamesbibledictionary.com/Tribes   . Are they like Amormites, Sheckemites or Elamites?

Edited by hasanhh
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       Horror in the Air

Trump Orders NORAD to Shoot Down Sleigh

          Bloodiest Christmas Eve Since World War ll

Washington, D.C., Fake News Nutwork,  The first sign that anything was

happening is when a caribou leg tumbled down a chimney and started cooking in the fireplace.

The stunned family called police thinking there was a serial killer on their roof trying to dispose

of evidence.  Police said later they knew it was not human -the smoldering hoof was the key.

ln Washington, a tottering Nanny Pelosi, drunk on power, said in a statement this was a result

of the partial government shutdown. Senate Minority Leader Chuck-it Schumer maintains that

an Open Borders policy would have given lmmigration officials more time to be responsive. "lt's

Trump Terrible. How can anyone with compassion order the shoot down of an incoming sleigh,"

Schumer shrugged as he chugged down another carton of lrish egg-nog.

 

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The Bangladesh Caterers Association (BCA), which represents 12,000 British-Bangladeshi restaurants and takeaways across the country, expressed their concerns that the detrimental impact of Brexit, which the group backed, was a major worry.

 

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/uk-curry-industry-brexit-staff-shortages-bangladesh-catering-association-a8677911.html

:hahaha:

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Abbas comes home after a school test. Apparently, they asked him what 3 things he'd take to a desert island. 

He came up with a flashlight for finding his way around in the dark and for signalling, a fishing rod for food and a gun for protection and food. Also, the gun would be useful for lighting fires because it would have a flint. I didn't know this was possible, but told him I was sure no other kids would have thought of that.

"They would if they had watched Scooby Doo", was his reply.

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When we were younger, me aged 16 and my brother 10, I used to tutor him. But I was forbidden from calling him thick or stupid if he made any mistakes.

Years later when he worked for the Ford Motor company he said he finally found out where I'd gotten the name I used to call him in exasperation.

Nippon-Denso were in Ford's supply chain.

Edited by Haji 2003
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“I think that the number of women fleeing from the Saudi administration and abuse will increase, especially since there is no system to stop them,” said Qunun. “I hope my story encourages other women to be brave and free.”

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jan/15/rahaf-al-qunun-i-hope-my-story-encourages-other-women-to-be-brave-and-free

Not sure how long Canadians upholding their principles will continue once planeloads of Saudi women start heeding this advice.

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10 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jan/15/rahaf-al-qunun-i-hope-my-story-encourages-other-women-to-be-brave-and-free

Not sure how long Canadians upholding their principles will continue once planeloads of Saudi women start heeding this advice.

Here is why I found her story as a poor joke looool  :woot:

 

After barricading herself in the room and refusing to leave for six nights, Qunun said she had expected the authorities to “enter the room and kidnap me” and had contemplated taking her own life.

“That’s why I wrote a goodbye letter. I decided that I would end my life, before I was forced back to Saudi Arabia,” she said. However, as she used Twitter to publicise her plight, abuse and her decision to renounce Islam, her campaign for asylum quickly gathered momentum and support around the world.

“I wanted to be free from oppression and depression,” she told the ABC. “I wanted to be independent. I wouldn’t have been able to marry the person I wanted. I couldn’t get a job without permission.”

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