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In the Name of God بسم الله
Inquisitor

Poor Jokes [OFFICIAL THREAD]

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Cute story.

So l went to baby sit my 2 yr-old nephew. l go in at his breakfast and he says, "Coming, coming" since he can't say 'come-in' yet. Then he hands me part of a hard-boiled egg.

Later, l am in the garage for a cigarette and he points and asks about a tricycle. He had a bicycle with training wheels last Summer which l'd push him on. So he pulls out this tricycle someone gave them, stands there and points-asks about different features. Wheel, handle bar, and tries to say, "twai-cis-cul".

l point to the seat and tell him to sit. So he walks to the back, turns around and sits on the edge. lt moved a little, but he was facing backwards. Twice.

"No ... no ... no" l said. "Here" and l pick him up and set him in the seat. Then l get that, 'O.K., this is more comfortable' look. Then he walks it forward. Then backward.

About falls over getting off. Tries to get back-on. Gotta get that foot over the seat. He figures that out.  Then he gets off again, steps away, and then steps up and swings his leg over the seat and sits down. He knows he has this part accomplished.

Beginning to walk the tricycle around --as his feet can't reach the pedals-- he starts riding all over the place.

But he doesn't have the idea of  'steering', yet. So he gets to a wall or door, stands up, turns the tricycle, and goes a little further. Repeat ... and repeat ... and repetitively repeat.

He hooks a rear wheel on a box and can't go forward. "AAAAHH" and looks at me. So l go over and move the tricycle so the wheel is clear while he is watching the wheel. l guess he could 'by-feel' knew which part of the tricycle was the problem area.

We go back into the house. His mother is late and l need to go to the store. Finally, here she comes. She also wanted me to add fluids into her car. So l hurry outside to get them out of my car.

Guess who follows me out into the snow in his pajamas.

Now guess who is in big trouble.

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Almost another Milton Berle:

"Pepper the Al Robot" is Fired from its job in a supermarket.

lt kept confusing customers directing them to the booze aisle.

https://www.retaildetail.eu/en/news/electronics/scottish-store-fires-pepper-robot 

As soon as it was discovered that Pepper was not helping, it immediately qualified for gov't employment.

:D

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l wrenched my back a couple of weeks ago. Since it wasn't getting much better l went to the doctor. He said at my age this is normal, yet l should join an exercise class to limber up. So l joined one.

l went today and by the time l changed clothes class was over.

And by the time l got home it was time for supper.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Animal cruelty anyone?

Quote

“I live with two vegan dogs and a vegan cat. We like to feed our animals without exploiting other animals,” said Matt Johnson, a California-based vegan activist.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/feb/02/the-owners-putting-pets-on-vegan-diets-we-feed-our-animals-without-exploiting-others

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A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 -
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
 

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I have a fairly common name. Some other guy has the same name and when they registered with a well-known email provider they were given an address that was a combination of the name and a number. Because I was the first to register the name, mine has no number!

Anyway, this dude keeps registering for various services and products using my address. Today I had one from a car dealership in the United States. So I sent this in reply to the sales man:

Quote

Thanks for your email. 

You sound like an intelligent guy. Could you please tell the idiot who gave you this email address that his is different (assuming to get the chance to speak to him again).This email address belongs to someone who lives in London (United Kingdom). 

He keeps doing this, I don’t think he’s malicious, just a little bit dim.

So I get this reply from the salesman:

Quote

I received this from [Muslim name] when I spoke to him a few days ago. We have an appointment to meet today to finalize a [car brand] purchase.

I'm now guessing that if the dude does not turn up for the appointment then it was a malicious use of the address.

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9 hours ago, shiaman14 said:

made this one up myself:

If Allah wanted us to eat chicken, he would have had Surah Dajjaj (chicken) in the Quran instead of Surah Baqara (Cow).

That is as bad as this one:

A man goes to the mosque and asks the imam which sura he was going to recite at jummah. The imam replies that he will recite all of Sura Baqara. The next week, the same man again asks the imam which sura he was going to recite at jummah. The imam answers he will recite sura fil. The man responds, "Well, l be leaving. l couldn't stand that long for that sura."

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This extract from an article in the UK's FT shows just how much the western view of the middle east is based on IDF press releases:

Quote

Israel... has avoided intervening directly in Syria's war. But since 2013 it has carried out more than 100 air strikes inside Syria

https://www.ft.com/content/7c953a34-0f4a-11e8-940e-08320fc2a277

A reader comment pointing out the stupidity of the above observation is the second most highly recommended (the most highly recommended says the west should talk to Iran).

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l was doing some research and read "Prison Statistics -Georgia" dated 01Feb18 at http://www.dcor.state.ga.us/sites/all/themes/gdc/pdf/Profile_lifers_2018_01.pdf 

At entry into the lnmate System l found:

Age 40-49  28% of population

Race: 23% White, 73% Black

Un-married  75%

No Dependents ~39%

Religion, Baptist ~51%

Had Full Time Employment 41%

Weight 160-180lbs  40%

Served in US Air Force  45%

12th Grade Education  24%

IQ  90-119 Avg Range  70%

NO Mental Health lssues  52%

No Medical lssues             73%

Normal Hearing     97%

Correctable Vision   68%

NO Psychiatric care  86%

Good Teeth    80%

STD Negative:  HlV 98%; Syphilis 98%, TB 75%, Hepatitis 70%

Ability to Work   80%

NO PRIOR lncarceration  67%

Life Sentences  99%

Felons  99.9%

Murder  68%

Observation: So, if someone is a 40-ish Male, unmarried Baptist with no dependents, with a 12th Grade education, in good health, with no mental health problems, no prior convictions and able to work then they are a 68% Chance of being a Murderer and a 99% Chance of being a felon. Yet, only 6% of this prison is Muslim. (Likely inside reverts.)

And people on ShiaChat are considered a threat to society?  :hahaha:   So much for gov't profiles.

Now me: Muslim 6%; Weight group 2%; Army service 5%; Education Level 1%; Age 0.2 %.  :shifty: shift-shift

 :dwarf:"The Radical lsIamic Moderate is under-the-radar."  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zhJljblPcY

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And another Milton Berle:

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, when l look in the mirror l see that l am in bad shape, poor health and getting older."

The doctor replies, "Well, the good news is  your eyesight is excellent."

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The idiomatic mistake of mixing metaphors is as easy as falling off a piece of cake.   :ko:

 

:braveheart:of expression has the limits of coherency."

 

Explanation for non-Amerikans:

"falling off a log" is something both easy and likely --when trying to use one as a bridge and keeping balanced.

"(that's) a piece of cake" also means something easy-to-do.

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I can't take credit for this joke. It's by Marwan Muasher who is a former Jordanian foreign minister and vice-president of the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace. He came up with this gem:

Quote

“You cannot have these autocratic systems, whether in Saudi Arabia, Egypt or Iran or anywhere else, and hope that your economic process is going to sail smoothly,”

https://www.ft.com/content/a6229844-1ad3-11e8-aaca-4574d7dabfb6?hubRefSrc=email&utm_source=lfemail&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=lfnotification

FACT: 

Quote

Jordan's parliament has passed several constitutional amendments giving King Abdullah more powers, including the right to appoint the head of a top court and members of the senate. 

The King was also granted the power to appoint his own regent and crown prince.

https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2016/04/jordan-constitution-give-king-power-160428065710977.html

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Quote

Bush is often heard to remark, unable to stifle his trademark smirk: 'Sorta makes me look pretty good, doesn't it?'

https://www.indy100.com/article/george-w-bush-reportedly-said-something-quite-incredible-about-trump-8242501?utm_source=indy&utm_medium=top5&utm_campaign=i100

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