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In the Name of God بسم الله

Poor Jokes [OFFICIAL THREAD]

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My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

 

As far as I know, the "fat Buddhas" do not represent THE Buddha but rather, Budai, who was a Buddhist monk or something

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I read a Jewish joke the other day (it went something along the lines of:) A rabbi and a taxi driver arrive at the gates of heaven, an angel comes to greet them and immediately ushers the taxi dr

two sodium atoms walking down a street   atom 1: oh no.... searching his pockets...... i lost an electron atome 2: are you sure? atom 1: i am positive.

Told in the mosque by the imam: A flood came and a man climbed a tree. A truck came by and offered the man a ride and the man said, "no thanks, Allah will help me". The water rose and a boat

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So, I baby sat my nephew last night.

 

My sister comes back after a couple of hours. "How was he?", she asks.

 

"Good", I said. "He just smiled, looked at the TV and went right to sleep."

 

"You didn't do anything to him, did you", she asked.

 

"No, of course not." I respond.

 

So what was my sister referring to? A friend of mine. His wife would brag about how good my friend was when he stayed with the baby. She'd brag about how quiet and peaceful everything was when she came home, until ...

 

One stormy night, she comes home. Because she got caught in the downpour, she took her shoes off before she went into the house. Now my friend didn't hear the car, the garage nor the door because of the storm.

 

So, his wife comes in and stops on the steps watching how quiet and peaceful everything is. The baby starts to cry.

 

My friend, reaches over, takes the pacifier, dips it in his beer and puts it in the baby's mouth.

 

He never did that again.

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My friend, reaches over, takes the pacifier, dips it in his beer and puts it in the baby's mouth.

 

That happens more often than it's known. Babies given a drop of scotch and other sleep inducing drugs. Down here some people use the good old hashish to drug their toddlers so they would keep quiet. It's rare but it happens.

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That happens more often than it's known. Babies given a drop of scotch and other sleep inducing drugs. Down here some people use the good old hashish to drug their toddlers so they would keep quiet. It's rare but it happens.

My dad always had whiskey in the medicine cabinet.....

 

No wonder - no wonder!!!!

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That happens more often than it's known. Babies given a drop of scotch and other sleep inducing drugs. Down here some people use the good old hashish to drug their toddlers so they would keep quiet. It's rare but it happens.

 

I know. Really sad.

 

Beer would not harm an infant/toddler, but whiskey and such will 'burn' their mouths and start them crying. Scream if they have a mouth sore.

 

Any non-prescribed drug should not be used. In the 60s, the druggie mothers gave their children contaminated heroin [contaminated by whatever the dealer cut it with] to keep them quiet.

 

I can't imagine giving my new nephew any beer. He is really quiet, especially as he is 13 weeks this weekend. I pick-him up last night and he tried to speak, saying "Ah-uh  u[o^o]  ee" which comes from the song "Auch du lieber, Augustine" which I sing to him. He did it in the same pattern/rhythm as the song trying to do the same notes. My sister recognized it at the same time, standing there as she was.

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I wonder if something is wrong with my 13 1/2 week old nephew.

 

At first, when he was hungry, he'd cry "ah aahhhhh, ah aaahhhhh" sounding like a peacock.

 

And when he was wet, he'd cry, "Aahhhhh ah wuh, aahhhhh ah wuh" like a white-handed gibbon (yes, I looked it up)

 

And there have been other volcalutionary sounds.

 

But today at lunch ... he sounded like a squeaking door ....literally.

 

Maybe he is destined to make horror movies.

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Not so much a joke as open-mouthed at someone's chutzpah:
 

My friend invited me to join him for a concert. He told me it was his treat because he was getting the tickets for free through a work connection. I was looking forward to the show and would have bought a ticket ($70) if he hadn’t offered. 

 

On the day of the show he suggested I meet him for dinner before the show and suggested that I treat him to dinner. This seemed reasonable to me. He picked the restaurant, a sushi place in Gramercy.

 

We had a nice time at the restaurant but I was shocked when the bill came and it was $150 for sushi for two people. I hadn’t ordered more than $35 worth of food and neither of us ordered any alcohol. When I looked closer at the bill I saw that he had ordered multiple pieces of really expensive individual sushi: King Crab Legs, and Toro fatty tuna belly. 

 

I should have spoken up at that moment and asked him to kick in for such an expensive dinner but by the time the bill arrived I felt embarrassed, so I just paid the bill. I’m still friends with this guy (although I am a little wiser for the experience).

http://www.marke[Edited Out]ch.com/story/when-a-free-gift-comes-with-an-expensive-catch-2014-12-26

 

 

 

Edited by Haji 2003
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An almost happened:

 

(dramatic license part):  Baby kicking and screaming -real loud like

 

Sister: What's going on?

 

Dumb Brother: I gave him a bath and dressed him.

 

Sister:  Did you put the diaper rash cream on him?

 

Real Careless Brother:  Yeah, this stuff.

 

Sister: That is the heat rub, you ______ !

 

Helpless Brother: You said use the stuff in the tube.

 

Sister: ______ you read it first ________.

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28 minutes ago, Marbles said:

@LeftCoastMom

See this. Just click on choose files, go to the relevant folder, select a pic you want to upload, and click "open" (for windows). This will upload the pic directly on to the site.

lllllll.PNG

Why on earth am I not seeing that option? I'm guessing that, like me, @LeftCoastMom can't either, otherwise it so glaringly in-your-face that I don't think she could miss it.

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1 minute ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

Why on earth am I not seeing that option? I'm guessing that, like me, @LeftCoastMom can't either, otherwise it so glaringly in-your-face that I don't think she could miss it.

How odd. You should report it to the team.

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48 minutes ago, LeftCoastMom said:

Nope, don't have that function,either. Lol! They don't trust me or KZ with pictures! Paranoia! :help: At least the emojis work now! :clap: Thanks!


Actually, they only kinda sorta work. All the old emojis are gone! Probably because it's like installing a new OS; the forum came with a set of default emojis (available to us now) but all the old ones need to be added to the database once again.

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7 hours ago, LeftCoastMom said:

Nope, don't have that function,either. Lol! They don't trust me or KZ with pictures! Paranoia! :help: At least the emojis work now! :clap: Thanks!


Till this starts working for you, you might be able to post pictures by uploading them on an image hosting site and posting the direct link here.

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29Nov15, Fox News

A young man in Huron California tried to burglarize a home by sliding down a chimney. Stuck, he waited there until the homeowner arrived and unknowingly lit a fire. The dummie died of smoke inhalation and burns. When upon hearing the screams, the home owner put out the fire and called for help. The fire department had to smash the chimney to get him out.

Maybe this story should go under the "Ate/Eating/Will Eat" thread, as this is a new recipe: "burglar and fries", BBQ style.

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