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In the Name of God بسم الله

Poor Jokes [OFFICIAL THREAD]

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If Labour's seemingly interminable leadership race has nearly destroyed your sense of humour, interest in politics or your soul, fear not because it really is very nearly over.

 

The four candidates - Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper, Jeremy Corbyn and Liz Kendall - have been offering up their final pitches to the Independent on Sunday's political editor Jane Merrick this weekend.

 

As well as explaining why they think they should be Labour leader, what they would do about migration and how the party can win the next election, the four candidates told a joke...

 

Andy Burnham

You know the rugby team The Wasps? Do you reckon they’ve got a B team?

 

Yvette Cooper

What are ghosts’ favourite sweets? Hariboo

 

Jeremy Corbyn

I believe there’s an entire Twitter account dedicated to telling jokes on my behalf, @corbynjokes I’m told, though I can’t guarantee its quality. But if you want a good laugh, read my good friend Mark Steel’s columns

 

(Editor's note: That's not even a joke, Jeremy!)

 

Liz Kendall

 

A man goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor, I can’t say my THs and Fs.' And the doctor replies, 'Well, you can’t say fairer than that, then.'

 

I know, don’t give up the day job...

Edited by Ali_Hussain
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This id be a good thing for children:

 

"You were downloaded into a test-tube, and then incubated in a chicken's egg. Then I picked you up at the hatchery."

 

And if you have a mean streak, you can add something like:

 

"now, finish your brothers and sisters" (at breakfast)

 

or instead of egg-and-tuna salad sandwich, you call it:

 

tuna-and-siblings sandwich

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An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

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**Racist joke**

 

**no harm intended**

 

**I know I follow Seyyed Khamenei but he allows me to follow the fatawa of other maraja and I am pretty sure none of them have a fatwa about racist jokes**

 

 

 

A Turk wants to call his friend.

 

So he dials the number. But he gets an automated message (in a female voice) which says: "The person you are trying to reach is not available."

 

The Turk says: "Forget him. I want to talk to you."

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A little girl asks her father where the first human beings came from. Her father tells her the story of Adam and Eve and that God created them and sent them to this earth. The girl later asks her mum the same question and she tells her that human beings come from chimpanzees. The little girl, thoroughly confused, goes and tells her dad the next day what mommy had told her. The dad smiled and told her daughter: "She is right sweetheart, she and her family actually are evolved monkeys."

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"Sorry ..."

 

According to CNN, the United States Treasury's Internal Revenue Service (IRS) is no longer accepting tax payment checks of $100,000,000.oo or more.

Reason: the IRS equipment cannot handle more than 8 figures. So, tax payments of $100million or more will have to be paid in two or more checks.

 

Now, I have a question. The IRS says its machines are limited to "8 figures". So if my taxes are $100,000,001.00 and I send in two checks --one for $99,999,999.99 and a second one for $1.01-- how can the machine add them?

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m: Why are you late from school?

s: We were trying to get an old lady cross the road.

m: But you are late by nearly an hour.

s: She did not want to go.

 

Q. Why does everyone try to take that bearded and turbaned indian punjabi guy to nearest hospital?

A. Because he is sikh.

 

 

PS: About half of my jokes on this thread are original. That should explain their pathetic-ness.

Edited by alisayyed
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This joke might offend some people, but usually it gets a laugh.

 

An Irish-American man returned to the land of his ancestors as a tourist. While walking the streets of Belfast alone one night a terrorist grabbed him and held a knife to his throat, "Are you Protestant or are you Catholic? Answer quickly!"

The tourist thought fast, if he says he's Protestant the terrorist might be Catholic, or if he says he's Catholic the terrorist might be Protestant... in either case he'll be killed.

"I'm Jewish!"

The terrorist let out a big laugh, the tourist began to laugh also, "What's so funny?"

"I'm the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"

 

Faulty logic. Why would a Palestinian terrorist bother whether the man is a Protestant or Catholic?

 

Here is a different (and better) version of the same joke.

 

After the fillers...

 

The terrorist asks, 'Are you Protestent or Catholic.'  Answer quickly!"

The tourist thought fast, if he says he's Protestant the terrorist might be Catholic, or if he says he's Catholic the terrorist might be Protestant... in either case he'll be killed.
"I'm Atheist!" he says.

The terrorist pauses, thinks hard for a few minutes, unsure what to do, and asks, "Protestant Atheist or Catholic Atheist?"

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^^^ Reminds me of an old joke: 60s era before there were seatbelts:

 

The police pulled over an old man driving on the expressway.

 

What did l do wrong?

 

Your wife fell out of the car, back there.

 

Thank God! l thought l went suddenly deaf.

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aa0385c3b97b45f0d109512b1d3ad812.jpg

 

 

 

OMG ! The "Cookie Monster" is in the Internet.

 

Will "it" survive competition with the "Cookie Machine" ?  NSA and its Director, Miss Geburt and her "spreadsheets".

 

Hmmm, NSA + sheets. This is as good as lead in as any:

 

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/secret-document-shows-nsa-spied-iran-un-delegation-new-york-n431861

 

Yeah, NSA spied on Iranians. In their hotel bathrooms no less. Was NSA checking on "toiletry supplies' or was it voyeurism ?

 

To paraphrase Claude Raines, the Cpt Renault in Casablanca, "I'm shocked. Absolutely shocked that Peeping-Toms are lurking in New York hotel rooms."

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Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...

The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city ...

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..

Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner......

If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been watching too many Indian movies, serials or have read too many motivational forward messages...

Basheer is Basheer.

59248559.jpg

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