Poor Jokes - [OFFICIAL THREAD]

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

Wacky and Clean videos,

 

ABCNews, see:  #Boston Blizzard Challenge: Boston Mayor says Stop Jumping Out Of Windows", 18Feb15

[hasanhh]

.

 

It is sooooo cold outside -------- my snowman knocked on the door wanting in.

 

 

 

~ -10^o Fahrenheit = -23^o Celsius/Centigrade

Edited February 20, 2015 by hasanhh

[hasanhh]

At Point Barrow, Alaska it is 6^oF. And National Weather Service reports it is now  -15^oF where I am.

 

Can't that Global Warming come to where I am?

[alisayyed]

Suppandi- how do I believe that you are blind?

Beggar - do you see that tree?

Suppand - yes.

Beggar - well, I don't.

Suppandi - oh, you poor one. Here you go.

[Ali_Hussain]

I read this just now, it was kind of funny, thought I can't identify with it, perhaps some others can.

 

 

 

How Do You Get Through Airport Security? Muslim Airport Follies

 

I haven’t flown in a few months so haven’t had too many treacherous experiences lately, but there are definitely challenges when flying Muslim in America.

 

The first challenge, is the prayers of people around you BEGGING God that you not be on the same plane as them.  Literally I’ve gotten out of my car and seen people doing the whole “forehead, chest, shoulder” cross thing. Chill out, people.  I may be on your flight independent of what you’re asking God… pray for your safety in general, not your safety from me, please.

 

Next, comes the ticket line, when people automatically try to help me because clearly I cannot possibly speak English.

 

Them (Yelling, in caveman language): “YOU INSERT YOUR BOARDING PASS NUMBER HERE”

 

Me (quietly, in perfect English): “Yes, thank you. I know….”

 

Joy.

 

Then, we go through security - the FUN part.  Everyone is looking at me like I MUST have SOMETHING in my bags that ain’t gonna make it. I stress about this for at least a month before I fly.

 

The first joy of security is the awkward “how you look and your name don’t match up” look that I get from TSA.

 

Yes, I know, Hannah Nemec-Snider, and I’m wearing this on my head…. it may not add up to you, but this is Amurica, sir.  Look at my ID all you want, nothing’s going to change.  And please, check the hologram on the ID 72 times. It won’t change.  I’m still white.  It’s a real ID. And yes, this is still on my head. Move along.

 

And THEN – the climax of the whole event – The conveyor belt of doom.

 

The entire time I am FRANTICALLY stressed that even though I know that I read the instructions on what can and can’t come in my carry-on and how to label it and clear plastic baggies for my shampoo, it is SUCH a hassle to - within a 14 second period – take off my shoes, put my laptop in a container, take out my liquids from the plastic baggie, and smush my carry-on into a tiny little conveyor belt.

 

I was deathly scared when I looked like your average white girl before this process – and now I’m seven times more stressed.

 

This should literally be an event in the Olympics.  WHO THE HECK DOES THIS GRACEFULLY?

 

I look like a scared rat for these entire 14 seconds.

 

Then, I step through the scanner.  Without fail, I am asked to step to the side.

 

They ask if they can pat me down.  I say, yes, as long as it’s a girl.  They touch every millimeter that is my body.  The girl is always super short, so I have to squat the entire time so all 5’9” of me can be pat down.

 

They ALWAYS get extra thorough on my head – check my hijab, pat it down, touch my bun in the back of my head, pat every inch of me. Easiest one was Cleveland and LAX – not sure why.  Hardest, most annoying was Boston.  WOW. That’s all I have to say.

 

Then, they always say “enjoy your flight!” as if they didn’t just finish touching me more intimately than I expect my husband to on my wedding night.

 

Disgusted, I go to find my gate.  As I walk by, I continue to hear the prayers “Please, God, make sure she’s not on my flight.”

 

Then, I finally arrive at my gate. I take a seat. I always get there early so that I don’t have to be the one that awkwardly sits next to others and freaks them out.

 

I’d rather they be “stuck” sitting next to me.

 

A couple times I’ve given up my comfy waiting seat to elderly women and people were VERY relieved that I was forced to stand.   I’m thrilled my comfort upsets you. You’re welcome.

 

One of the MOST AMUSING parts to me of the entire experience, is the utterly TREMENDOUS effort that other Muslims and I make to ensure that we do not interact in ANY POSSIBLE WAY while waiting for the flight.  No eye contact. No salaams. No acknowledgement.  If I clearly have a question, no one is willing to help me.  We do not speak ANY Arabic to each other, even if they don’t speak English. It is the most disconnected event in the entire Arab world, I feel.

 

I think that it derives from the fear that others may feel we are all connected and this may freak out the other passengers. Like maybe we have a secret plan or something? I promise, I have never met any of the other people on our flights EVER in my life.

 

An added bonus on my last trip was the fact that my athan went off on my phone – louder than normal – while waiting at my gate. “ALLAHU AKBAR” is not the last thing you want to hear before you board a plane, I guess.

 

And then, ah, we finally board.  I get more crazy looks at the disconnect between my name and my ticket gets the final check from the gatekeepers.

 

I start walking down the aisle on the plane – at this point people are praying SO HARD that I don’t sit next to them, I get emotional about the spirituality in the room. More prayers are said in this few minutes than probably ever in entire lifetimes for some of them.

 

And then, I sit, in my seat. Next to someone that is eyeing me up and down the ENTIRE flight. No one next to me EVER sleeps even a WINK.

 

When we arrive at our destination, safely, without any disturbance from me – besides maybe my horrible snoring the entire flight – I get a feeling of thankfulness when I get off the plane.  I feel like people want to shake my hand and thank me.  People nod at me and smile, with gratitude.  

 

SURPRISE! YOU’RE ALIVE!

 

You’re welcome that I was a normal person, people. You are SO welcome.

 

And then, I forget about the whole thing until my trip is over and it’s time to go back home, when I get to have the same exact experience all over again.

 

May Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì safely deliver all people in the world to their destinations, and may the stereotypes fade over time. And, please, Ya Allah, make the security process less stressful on me. The heart attack I experience every time I have to fly is not good for my health.

 

https://convertconfessions.wordpress.com/2014/06/18/how-do-you-get-through-airport-security-muslim-airport-follies/

Edited February 22, 2015 by Ali_Hussain

[hasanhh]

96 hours and 15 minutes after post 181 and NWS says my outside is -12^oF

 

 

I H8 Global Warming.

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

Some of you maybe watching the MeTV old program channel, and have seen "Superman" with George Reeves. Good program.

So, in a parody of the opening:

 

"Faster than a speeding bullet.

 

More powerful than a locomotive.

 

Able to leap tall buildings n a single bound.

 

Look....up in the sky.!

 

It's a bird?

 

It's a plane?

 

No...

 

It's 'Yes we -can' !"

 

:D

Edited March 8, 2015 by hasanhh

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

Warning: Many May Find This Offensive

 

 

lSlL and Islamic State University have announced the addition of a new online course for the Summer Curricular Classes:

 

ARCH 101: Cultural Appreciation

[jean_valjean]

Recently in Delhi there was a play based on the novel "Waiting For Godot". The organisers created a hype that Naseruddin shah was to play the role of Godot, since he is an actor of high stature all the tickets were quickly sold out , which otherwise might not have. And the best part is that when people watched the play they realised that they were fooled with an honest lie since the character of Godot never returns.

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

Goha:  Ahmad, I want to bomb this target with my new political group. How...can l do this without being declared a terrorist organization?

 

Ahmad:  Put a guidance package on it and then drop it from a plane.

Edited March 10, 2015 by hasanhh

[hasanhh]

With Strength you will bear your Convictions.

 

 

Me? I haven't been convicted of anything.

[guest102317]

(bismillah)

 

(salam)

 

Abadanis are the lovely people from Khuzestan, who are known for exaggerating themselves, their city, their everything. 

The city of Abadan is on an island in the middle of Arvand river (also known as Shatt ul Arab).

 

So I meet this Abadani guy, and tell him: You lucky people, living by the water. With the weather so hot throughout the year, I bet you swim at least once every week.

He gives me this look: Nah, bro. Swimming's no fun without sharks.

 

Same guy, I ask him if he's ever been to Tehran. 

Again that look: Nah, never been to the suburbs bro.

 

As this conversation was happening, two criminals were about to be executed in Tehran, a Tehruni and an Abadani.

The Tehruni is wailing like mad.

The executioner is really annoyed, tells him to shut up.

Abadani intervenes: Bro! It's his first time, take it easy.

 

Talking of death, two Abadanis meet. 

One says: Wish you were there, bro. Yesterday, I hunted seven rabbits, five deer and three lions. 

Second: That's it?!

First: Come on, bro! How many did you expect me to kill with just one bullet?

Second: And you even had a gun?!

 

Tehruni, Esfahani, Shirazi and Abadani all in a coffee shop (yes, this is the ultimate jokestan). 

Tehruni: I'm feeling pretty rich, I think I'll buy a bank.

Esfahani: I'm overflowing with money too; I'm buying Mercedes Benz.

Shirazi: I'm a wealthy prince and will purchase Microsoft and Apple - both.

They all look at the Abadani.

He sits calmly, stirring his coffee. 

He takes the spoon out, licks it, puts it down,

lifts the cup, takes a sip.

I'm not selling, he says.

 

Dedicated to the Brazil of Iran: Abadan

 

(wasalam)

[hasanhh]

I can't find the "joke".

[Ghulam e Ale Mohammad]

I can't find the "joke".

 

Have you been using Internet Explorer again? 

[kamyar]

(bismillah)

 

(salam)

 

Abadanis are the lovely people from Khuzestan, who are known for exaggerating themselves, their city, their everything. 

The city of Abadan is on an island in the middle of Arvand river (also known as Shatt ul Arab).

 

So I meet this Abadani guy, and tell him: You lucky people, living by the water. With the weather so hot throughout the year, I bet you swim at least once every week.

He gives me this look: Nah, bro. Swimming's no fun without sharks.

 

Same guy, I ask him if he's ever been to Tehran. 

Again that look: Nah, never been to the suburbs bro.

 

As this conversation was happening, two criminals were about to be executed in Tehran, a Tehruni and an Abadani.

The Tehruni is wailing like mad.

The executioner is really annoyed, tells him to shut up.

Abadani intervenes: Bro! It's his first time, take it easy.

 

Talking of death, two Abadanis meet. 

One says: Wish you were there, bro. Yesterday, I hunted seven rabbits, five deer and three lions. 

Second: That's it?!

First: Come on, bro! How many did you expect me to kill with just one bullet?

Second: And you even had a gun?!

 

Tehruni, Esfahani, Shirazi and Abadani all in a coffee shop (yes, this is the ultimate jokestan). 

Tehruni: I'm feeling pretty rich, I think I'll buy a bank.

Esfahani: I'm overflowing with money too; I'm buying Mercedes Benz.

Shirazi: I'm a wealthy prince and will purchase Microsoft and Apple - both.

They all look at the Abadani.

He sits calmly, stirring his coffee. 

He takes the spoon out, licks it, puts it down,

lifts the cup, takes a sip.

I'm not selling, he says.

 

Dedicated to the Brazil of Iran: Abadan

 

(wasalam)

:mad:

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

I not only cannot find the "joke", even without Internet Explorer, but what is "the Brazil"???????

 

And...what is 'wrong' with Brazil (minutia excluded) ?

[kamyar]

^ the problem here is not Brazil , it's Abadan .

[hasanhh]

OK, what wrong with Abadan?

 

The oil facility?

[kamyar]

^the problem is joking about them . it is one of my province cities .

never mind .

[hasanhh]

OK

 

But on a no-so-related news note, the BBC is reporting this St. Patrick's Day -with Fifty Shades of Green ;)  - that

 

the grave of Cervantes has been found in Spain.

 

Hm. I thought he was on ShiaChat.

 

 

The BBC says this is a day "to celebrate the rich culture of Eireland".

 

Opine: How much whiskey and beer are people buying?

 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2015 by hasanhh

[laithAlIRAQI]

U mad?

Yes I'm mad

HAHAHAHAH, get it?

[hasanhh]

From the internet:

 

What is a 7 course Irish meal?

 

A potatoe and a six-pack of beer.

 

OK, so the potatoe comes as chips.

 

 

 

What does the F-35 Strike Fighter attack?

 

Taxpayers' wallets

Edited March 17, 2015 by hasanhh

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

CBS Market Watch, 17March15, "Warren Buffet's house now on Airbnb" by Charles Passey

 

--- you could "win"  a night to sleep in Buffet's childhood bedroom

 

--- there is a picture of the house

 

-- l guess because l grew up with American rags-to-riches stories, l was expecting to see a log cabin

[peace seeker II]

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

This is so, so --what?-- that it can only go under this thread.

 

After a couple of years, because of a broadcast time change after getting into a conflict with other evilgelical screachers, I was watching Jack van Impe Presents yesterday morning.

I usually like the news clippings they use --even if one of yesterday's was dated 2006-- while the other evilgelicals are a wrenching turn-offs.

 

As these soglidites try to evilgelicalize every soul with their heathen fantasies, sometimes they are truly outrageous.

 

One comment was that Ayatollah Khomeini was "deposed from Iran" and then went back.

Huh? Only a head of gov't or state can be "deposed" and he was not one.

Then this 84 year-old then uses the usual misquotes/deliberate-mistranslations to make fantastic claims about what Khomeini said about the end of Zionism (which are similar to Reagan's pronouncements about the coming end of Communism). These have nothing to do with Judaism.

 

Now, Khomeini died in 1989. A quarter of a century ago. But, van Impe was claiming that Khomeini is "behind ISlS".  :lol:

 

 

And Jack van  also claimed that lran is building a base in l3olivia --to set up missiles--to attack the USA.  :!!!:

 

While Putin is supposedly doing the same in Venezuela.  :!!!:

 

Once l started laughing, I turn my record on so l could re-listen to him, so the accuracy of what he said is "sure".

Edited March 22, 2015 by hasanhh

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

With all the decriminalization of weed happening, the Secret Service announced today they are changing their ATF Division to:

Alcohol, Tobacco and Marijuana.

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

Which employee is happy and has no idea of what happens when he is successful at his job?

 

The bomb-sniffing dog.

[The Green Knight]

Well here is a poor joke. Its a true accident.

 

Two decades ago there lived a very famous and brilliant Shia scholar in Pakistan who had reverted from Deobundi Sunnis. His name was Molana Ismail aka Ismail Deobundi. One day, after reversion he went to his home town and was traveling to his home situated near the Deobundi mosque/madrassa and in the street was also a small cafe, a tea shop where he would hang out with his Deobundi clerical friends who taught in the madrassa. There on the street he recognized one of them and raises his hand showing him the palm to to greet him, as is custom here in Punjab. He thought they would be friends but the individual responds to his greet by lifting up his 'dhoti' (which is like a skirt that Scottish used to wear) to insult him. Molana Ismail doesn't say a word and reaches home. However his colleagues that evening learn of the misconduct done to him and while they are sitting there at the tea shop Molana Ismail also arrives. The culprit is also there. So they all gather round, concerned, and first ask the culprit to tell them what had exactly happened. The guy tells them to ask Molana Ismail instead so they turn to him and also tell him they all feel sorry for the insult by their colleague. Ismail responds by saying: "Its nothing. What happened is that I showed him the open palm of my hand to signal and tell him that I am a Fiver. And he lifted his skirt to signal to me that he is a Three'er."

[hasanhh]

.

l have the quickest dog.

 

 

He can flop down faster than any other dog in town.

 

:cry:

[hasanhh]

Telephone Rings.

 

Rings again.

 

Receptionist:  "Doctor's office. May I help you?"

 

Amira: "Hello? I need to make an appointment with a psychologist."

 

Receptionist: "Certainly. May I have your name, please?"

 

Amira: "Yes. It is Amira Hamza"

 

Receptonist: "Can you spell that please?"

 

Amira: "OK. It is:

 

"A" as in admirable

 

"M" as in masterly

 

"I" as in incredible

 

"R" as in refinement

 

"A" as in adorable

 

Then:

 

"H" as in happy

 

"A" as in absolutely

 

"M" as in marvelous

 

"Z" as in zoomy

 

"A" as in alluring

 

Receptionist: "And what seems to be your concern?"

 

Amira: "Everyone tells me I am too plain, too shy and too reserved."

[alisayyed]

How to be a millionaire by the age of 40?

Make sure that you become at least a billionaire before getting married.

[ultra]

How to be a millionaire by the age of 40?

Make sure that you become at least a billionaire before getting married.

Thnx for giving my another reason not to marry.......

Lol jk

[AnaAmmar1]

 

Well here is a poor joke. Its a true accident.

 

Two decades ago there lived a very famous and brilliant Shia scholar in Pakistan who had reverted from Deobundi Sunnis. His name was Molana Ismail aka Ismail Deobundi. One day, after reversion he went to his home town and was traveling to his home situated near the Deobundi mosque/madrassa and in the street was also a small cafe, a tea shop where he would hang out with his Deobundi clerical friends who taught in the madrassa. There on the street he recognized one of them and raises his hand showing him the palm to to greet him, as is custom here in Punjab. He thought they would be friends but the individual responds to his greet by lifting up his 'dhoti' (which is like a skirt that Scottish used to wear) to insult him. Molana Ismail doesn't say a word and reaches home. However his colleagues that evening learn of the misconduct done to him and while they are sitting there at the tea shop Molana Ismail also arrives. The culprit is also there. So they all gather round, concerned, and first ask the culprit to tell them what had exactly happened. The guy tells them to ask Molana Ismail instead so they turn to him and also tell him they all feel sorry for the insult by their colleague. Ismail responds by saying: "Its nothing. What happened is that I showed him the open palm of my hand to signal and tell him that I am a Fiver. And he lifted his skirt to signal to me that he is a Three'er."

 

HAHA

[kamyar]

(salam)

 

Speaking of dog and Abadani ; a non-Abadani trying to show off his learned dog in front of a Abadani :

 

 

Non-Abadani : We have a dog that whenever it wants to come home knocks on the door.

 

Abadani: Oh,why so ?doesn't your dog have key?

Edited March 31, 2015 by kamyar

[hasanhh]

Thumbs up for those @ 212.

 

Good job, AnaAmmar1