Poor Jokes - [OFFICIAL THREAD]

[Haji 2003]

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, it's at 2.30.

[baradar_jackson]

Two Palestinian men go to a sheikh and ask him: "Ya Imam, if we liberate al-Qods, are we permitted to have our way with the enemy's women?" The sheikh answers: "Ha! If you do that, you can have your way with me!"

 

(got this from a Palestinian movie)

[Chair Pundit]

Ramadan.

Putting the slim back into Muslim.

[hasanhh]

Today, two former popes will be canonized.

 

Why do they dig them up and shoot them out of cannons.?

[Marbles]

Ramadan.

Putting the slim back into Muslim.

 

Actually, the joke is:

 

Muslimah 1: I need to gain some weight. I'm stick thin :cry:

 

Muslimah 2: Don't worry, Ramadan is coming soon.

[hasanhh]

How do you destroy amerikan foreign policy?

 

Put John in charge and then let him "Kerry on".

 

 

:cry: that bad ?

 

"Kerry on" is a homonymial play on "carry on" the military "go on about your duties"

[hasanhh]

Politicians are like diapers: they both need to be changed often  --for the same reason.

[Marbles]

Missing Wife:

 

Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Husband: Yes!
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?
Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car.

[baradar_jackson]

A Rashti man tells his friend: "Tehran is such an amazing place. As soon as you come out of the terminal, they come pick you up in a car free of charge, then they take you to the finest restaurants for dinner, then they take you to the finest hotels, everything paid for, and then they even give you money." His friend tells him: "You're so full of c.rap, you've never been to Tehran." The Rashti man says: "I haven't been, but my wife told me all about it."

Edited May 10, 2014 by baradar_jackson

[baradar_jackson]

A Turk looks in the mirror and says: "The guy in this picture looks familiar." His Lor friend takes the mirror from him, looks into it, and says to him: "You idiot, of course he looks familiar. This is a picture of me!"

[hasanhh]

OK, Marbles, that was a good joke. Now for a REAL story.

 

My wife's birthday was this week. For a couple of months, she kept saying she wanted ME TO BUY her a suit.

 

So the afternoon of her birthday, I went out and bought her a suit. A doll's suit.

 

She finds it hanging on the door...all birthday like.

 

She kinda glares at me and I said, "You wanted a suit, so I got you a suit".

 

She still looking at me. I said, "You didn't say what size."

 

She still looking at me, and I  said, "Be glad you didn't ask for a bikini."

 

 

Then we changed clothes and went out to eat at a nice restaurant. (I had to pay.) (My car and gas, too.)

 

She said at the restaurant, "I meant for you to by me a suit in Michigan" (There a lot of Islamic stores there.)

 

But I do not think she meant another doll's suit.

Edited May 11, 2014 by hasanhh

[Wahdat]

An American tourist boards a cab in Moscow and asks the cabbie to take her to the airport asap, the driver assures her that he is a Master and  will get to the airport very soon. So he drives like a maniac and crosses red light after red light with no worry. All of a sudden he brings his car to a screeching halt at a green light. The passenger cant help but wonder why the guy stopped at a green light. To which the cabbie replies 'maybe another Master in a hurry is passing by.'

[Marbles]

OK, Marbles, that was a good joke. Now for a REAL story.

 

My wife's birthday was this week. For a couple of months, she kept saying she wanted ME TO BUY her a suit.

 

So the afternoon of her birthday, I went out and bought her a suit. A doll's suit.

 

She finds it hanging on the door...all birthday like.

 

She kinda glares at me and I said, "You wanted a suit, so I got you a suit".

 

She still looking at me. I said, "You didn't say what size."

 

She still looking at me, and I  said, "Be glad you didn't ask for a bikini."

 

 

Then we changed clothes and went out to eat at a nice restaurant. (I had to pay.) (My car and gas, too.)

 

She said at the restaurant, "I meant for you to by me a suit in Michigan" (There a lot of Islamic stores there.)

 

But I do not think she meant another doll's suit.

 

Ah, I was listening to Beyonce's "Who Runs the World" song, and I came up with a poor joke of my own.

 

Q) Who runs the world?

A) Men

 

Q) Who runs men's brains?

A) Women.

[Wahdat]

So three French thinkers walk in to a bar. But they refuse to continue the joke because the format represents Anglo-Saxon cultural hegemony.

[hasanhh]

I didn't know French think.

 

I thought they just philosophized and emotionalized.

[baradar_jackson]

Nasseruddin Shah, while in England as a guest of the British crown, is taken to a football game (which at the time had not yet become the world's preferred sport but was mostly an English affair). He watches the game for a while without understanding much of what is happening, before finally asking one of the Englishmen: "What are they trying to do?" The Englishman says: "They are trying to take the ball from one another." Nasseruddin Shah replies to this (in earnest): "Why don't they just give them 22 balls?"

[hasanhh]

Women are like talk-radio...except you can't turn them off.

[Marbles]

Here is I read something off my pathetic Facebook feed:

 

A boy asked a wise old man, "Why do people run after the material comforts of the world when it is mortal? If they will leave their money behind when they die then why do they amass wealth? Why do they make enemies out of friends for material gains?'

 

The wise old man listened to all the three questions of the young boy, and then took out a box of matchsticks from the pocket of his decrepit tunic.

 

He took out three matchsticks, put the two back in the box, and broke the remaining matchstick in two. He threw away the top part of the matchstick and sharpened the edge of the second half and made it pointy. He then picked his teeth for the shreds of boiled mutton he had eaten in lunch, and said:

 

"Son, how do I know?"

Edited May 15, 2014 by Marbles

[notme]

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Doorbell repair man.

[hasanhh]

(salam)

 

NotMe reminded me of a college gag. First, you say, "I have a knock-knock joke". Then some will ask to here it. Then you say, "OK, you start".

 

You get the rest.

[Ali_Hussain]

[hasanhh]

An old joke from the 1960s:

 

A man travels with his wife for a European vacation. They get to London for dinner and he orders "steak and potatoes". Then they travel to Brussels and for dinner he orders "steak and potatoes". They get to Bonn and again he orders "steak and potatoes". Then in Paris he once more orders "steak and potatoes" for dinner. Finally, they fly back to the United States. Driving home, they stop at a restaurant and the man orders "steak and potatoes". After they finish eating the man says to his wife, "I don't understand why people come back from Europe and rave about the food? It tastes the same over there as it does here."

[hasanhh]

WARNING : Slight Exaggeration --extrapolated from true events:

 

 

A man was arguing with his wife in the kitchen. She said, "how can you say that with a sharp knife in my hand?" The dumb man said, "It is not as sharp as your tongue.!" The wife starts laughing. The Dumb Man says, "Forget 5, give me 10". The wife says, "Yes".  So they start to double High 5. The Dumb Man gets 5 in his right hand and a knife in his left hand.

[Khalilallah]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzoPTGFsr40

[baradar_jackson]

A Lor is sitting on a park bench with his girlfriend, when suddenly his girlfriend says: "Oh no, it's my father!" The Lor asks her: "Has your father met me?" She says "No." He says: "OK, it's fine, just tell him I'm your brother."

[shadow_of_light]

I am not interested in jokes but this one is funny:

O God! Thanks for everything you gave, for everything you didnt give, for everything you gave but then you took it back, for everything you didnt give but you are going to give later, for everything you gave but you are going to take it back, for every thing you are not going to give and for everything you didnt give but you claim that you have given it.

[Inquisitor]

 and for everything you didnt give but you claim that you have given it.

 

I can't seem to understand this part ^^ . It paints a picture of God being a liar.

[shadow_of_light]

it is a joke.

[Wahdat]

A Sikh goes to a movie in a somewhat frustrated mood. His friend asks him why he seems uneasy? He says that its the seventh time that he is going to this movie. His friend asks him why to which he replies that there is this scene in the movie where the actress is about to give her number at which point the train comes and he cant hear hear her fully, so he is going time and again hoping the train is bit late so he can get the full number. But the train is never late. :(

[aliyah21]

There were two friends walking together when it started to rain. Like any sane person, the first friend started running to find cover faster. The second friend says, "Why are you running away from rain? It's Allah's rahmah. You're basically running away from Allah's blessings." So the first friend gets embarrassed and slows his pace to a walk. 

The next day it starts raining again and the second friend starts running for shelter. The first friend says, "Why are you running?! You just told me yesterday you shouldn't run from Allah's blessings!"

The second friend says, "Exactly! Rain is Allah's blessing, and I'm running to avoid stepping on the rain.What kind of a person would it make me if I were to step on Allah's blessings?"

[Ali_Hussain]

An old lady goes to her priest and says ''father,I have a problem with my husband, he keeps chasing after young girls''

 

The priest replies ''ah yes, I have a similar problem with my dog, he is always chasing cars''

 

The old lady, a little perplexed, asks ''How are the two similar?''

 

The priest replies ''Well up to now, he has never caught one, but if he ever does, I don't know what on earth he thinks he'll be able to do with it!''

Edited June 2, 2014 by Ali_Hussain

[Ali Musaaa :)]

I would like to know what is inappropriate in that joke. And apologize for any offense caused.

 

Our brother Beast isn't familiar with Cricket. As an Aussie convert, I understood your joke very well lol

[Sumerian]

Our brother Beast isn't familiar with Cricket. As an Aussie convert, I understood your joke very well lol

Whaaaa? I live in 'Straya too.

[Brained]

British navel vessel encounters:

 

Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees tot he north to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees tot he south to avoid a collision.

British: This is the captain of a British navy ship, I say again divert YOUR course.

Irish: Negative. I say again you will have to divert YOUR course.

British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia! The second largest ship in the British atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that is 15 degrees north or countermeasures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship. 

Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call. 

[Marbles]

During an international conference an Afghan came over to a delegate from Pakistan and introduced himself, "I am the minister of shipping".

 

Pakistani delegate said in jest, "there are no seaports in Afghanistan. How can you be a minister of shipping?"

 

Afghan said, "then why do you have ministers for law and electricity in Pakistan?"