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jaguar_knight

Not Sure How To Keep Her Interested?

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Salaam Bros/Sisters

 

So straight to the point... Basically after many years of struggle to find a wife, i think i may have found someone who might be interested. BUT i am now hitting a potential problem of how to keep her interested. Obviously because this is a public forum i am not too inclined to give away too many details.

I will say this though... I am quite a shy kind of guy and she is quite talkative and outgoing, but somehow we are getting along. I would like to maintain this. Any suggestions? obviously whilst keeping within the boundaries of islam? no proposal has been made yet as we are getting to know each other.

 

I realize that my question may seem kind of vague.... If there is anyone who would be ok to talk by PM then that would be great (no offence to anyone but preferably SC members who are married already and/or a sister)... I just seriously need some advice as this is quite a new experience for me.

 

Thanks

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Asalaam Alaikum

I think your doing fine as you say you are getting along. Remember that to maintain interest has to be on both sides. Seems like are a little insecure, which is completely normal.

But I guess to answer your question, try to have interest in her things, or make new interests for the both of you.

As always in the end it is Allah (swt) that will give the blessing

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Bismillah.

 

Salaamun Alaykum.

 

Due to the fact that there has not been fixed any kind of marriage (permenant or temporary) between you, there is not many options to make her interested; but maybe the best and the only option is to speak with each other about marriage; speak to find out your common points and to realize your differences; speak about your plans on an assumption of getting married.

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

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Salam,

You both balance eachother out,thats why its working. Keep commincating and be yourself,onces your shyness will go,lol,you be more talkive then her. Inshallah, it will work out for you.

Talk about different topics, make her feel like your listening and take notes of what she likes. So in the future you can gift her something that shows you were listening. When you get engaged...

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Sallam Alaykum

Advice from a sister ..

I personally think that keeping a blessing since you're trying to get to know eachother , is really important. Keeping her interested isn't the main issue , because that goes under the issue of trying to keep the barriers.

If you're good at keeping the barriers then alhamdulilah takes you to the next level.

Try to find the commons, like start with anything basic , ask her general things , if you guys are studying , ask her what subjects she's interested in , anything she would like to take.

- the best thing a couple can do , is make a strong friendship . Just make sure you build trust & that she will be comfterable with you (as a friend that is) .

- ask her about her future ambitions

Find the similarities and differences (learn to accept those and admire those differences)

- if you're really shy , its okay infact its a good thing , that way you wouldn't get too comfterable.

- once you get to know eachother .. Please make sure that nothing changes in a negative way, as in... Try not to get too attached. Make sure things don't change.

As in, if you act all committed and like you really want to get to know her in the beginning but then all of that stops half way.. That (in some cases) increases the risk of a weak relationship. (Btw not gf and bf) i mean a halal friendship that has the potential to turn into a marriage.

There is something I'd like to highlight brother. (To all brothers and sisters) . You do your part , & let Allah do the rest. Do not worry because your spouses are already written. The thing is, you're just gonna have to do your little part .

An ideal husband is a God fearing/loving man . Why? For many reasons

1) Any man or woman that is God fearing would try hard to avoid shortcomings because they fear the consequences. Ie.. Disatisfying Allah.

2) Any Man or Woman that is God loving, they will love you /anyone great fully , exactly the way Allah would want His creatures to be loved. Allah wants the best for us, so how much love do you think we deserve ?

Everything righteous and ideal will fall under that category of having a perfect stable relationship/marriage life .. Once you have a close relationship with Allah swt.

Remember , marriage is about sacrifice (obviously to a certain extent) where , when you're shy you tend to avoid things because in a way they seem a little scary - butterflies in your tummy- facepalm- blushing- kind of thing ...

Try to face these fears, its not really a fear but i describes the symptoms above for that kind of fear lol .

Anyways , its perfectly normal and fine to be shy.. Infact embrace it because it could stop you from doing things wrong. Now Inshallah inshallah things go great.

Try to read some verses and kind of dedicate them to stabilise a relationship or it helps find that love before it is even introduced. This could strengthen everything inshallah ..

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.

One last thing . It takes 2 people to make or break a relationship .

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Girls want love and affection. They want to feel wanted, special, beautiful/attractive. Make her feel that way (Islamically, of course).

 

Bismillah.

 

Salaam BabyBeaverlsAKit,

 

How can you Islamically make someone - who is not Mahram with you- feel beautiful/attractive and wanted? Please explain more supporting by Ahadeeth.

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

Edited by narsis

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Thank you all so much, a lot of excellent advice here. i particularly liked what sister Yasoora said:

 

 

 

 

An ideal husband is a God fearing/loving man . Why? For many reasons 
1) Any man or woman that is God fearing would try hard to avoid shortcomings because they fear the consequences. Ie.. Disatisfying Allah. 
2) Any Man or Woman that is God loving, they will love you /anyone great fully , exactly the way Allah would want His creatures to be loved. Allah wants the best for us, so how much love do you think we deserve ? 

Everything righteous and ideal will fall under that category of having a perfect stable relationship/marriage life .. Once you have a close relationship with Allah swt.

 

Also:

 

 

Girls want love and affection. They want to feel wanted, special, beautiful/attractive. Make her feel that way (Islamically, of course).

 

Which is fine, but like Narsis said it is quite difficult to do that when we are still non-mahram. Getting along as friends is fine but since our objective is marriage it seems like everything we do or say is kind of a sign or an indirect indication that you are making this person feel special and wanted. keeping the balance between not disobeying Allah and showing love and affection to someone you want to marry is a tough challenge that we guys have to go through.

 

 

Any way.... something that consistently crops up is the word "Compatibility". This is like a dread word for me. What is meant by compatibility??? Is it religion? interests? objectives in life? or is it something deeper than that which I am not sure what it is?

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good luck brother, may Allah bring to u the best & be a friutfilled marriage,

 

seems ur both doing ok, just give her more attention and be as caring to her as possible. u have to make her feel she is the "ONE" in ur eyes & she is special to u. don't EVER make her feel like she is "just another proposal girl". don't make her feel cheep or low and forget the things u both spoke about in ur meetings she will think u dont listen to her "dont care about her", etc.

 

also, please do not talk about or bring up other past women to her. this can really bother most girls  :excl:

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just be yourself. listen to her and respond. share experiences and activities. read books and discuss them. plus don't worry about keeping anyone interested just enjoy the moment and live in the NOW

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Mlle.advice I have actually been doing what u said and guess what.... she just rejected me today. In fact she ended up talking about all her ex suitors and fiance all the time. What do you make of that????

She admitted that we are compatible but just told me that she has been put off and wouldn't tell the reason why. I'm telling you... I told her that she is the girl I want and she said she liked me. I don't understand.

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Salam,

That's not good news, I dont know why she wouldnt say the reason and I dont see why shes bringing up her ex suiters. Maybe you showed too too much interest,which for some of us it can be a turn off.

Dont get to anger and sad about it,you will find someone better inshallah..

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Mlle.advice I have actually been doing what u said and guess what.... she just rejected me today. In fact she ended up talking about all her ex suitors and fiance all the time. What do you make of that????

She admitted that we are compatible but just told me that she has been put off and wouldn't tell the reason why. I'm telling you... I told her that she is the girl I want and she said she liked me. I don't understand.

 

 

(salam)

 

Sorry this happened to you brother. This may end up bad -but it will be a good lesson for the future either way.

 

The first thing - don't take advice from young women on what to do with women. If you are going to take advice take it from guys who have soem experiance with women or take it from married/older women.

 

Young women have no idea what htey want them selves- and hardly know what other women want. They change their mind ALL the time, and are very fickle.

 

You gave her too much attention, she lost interest. THis happens. She thinks you are desperate, and don't have other options.

 

Here is how women actually think - they value you - as a guy - based on how society values you. If you are trying too hard with her, in her mind she thinks (sub conciously) its because you don't have other options - and thus you are not valued by other women/society.  Other wise if you were a valuable person - she would have to be trying harder to convince you. This is how young women think.

 

Here is what you need to do - please follow this advice.

 

DO NOT - I repeat DO NOT - try too hard to convince her, be very straight forward, do not beg/cry or say any thing like that. Talk to her very calmly and explain to her why you think what she is doing is a bad idea, and why you value her as a potential mariage partner.

 

Do your best to not be overly emotional, do not use words that sound too clingly - don't make it sound like your world revolves around her or any thing like that. This will cause it to get worse.

 

 

Most probably she will not be convinced - thats to be expected, here is what you do at that point. Walk away.

 

Dont text her/email her/ call her - etc leave her alone for some time, give her space for a few days, thats what she really wants. In fact it may take longer than a few days.

 

Just don't contact her, and go about your life. If she is a decent person she will contact you soon enough, then from then on, have an attitude adjustment.

 

Respect her - but don't shower her with too much attention.

 

Live your own life, and keep her as a part of it - dont make her your whole life.

 

That type of behavior is what they brainwash young women with in stupid romance novels, but its actually very un actractive - really to any one - men or women.

 

And once the initial thrill of a relationship wears off - that type of behavior will throw a person off (which is what is happening here).

 

Again you have to basically look at it from what women do. Women marry a man based on his social prestigue.

If you are spending all of your time with her, all of your attention on her etc it shows to her that you dont have other thigns to do, you dont have other choices - you are desperate and so on.

 

 

Its possible this relationship will not work out - so be prepared for that. But if you want it to work out, please follow the advice i gave you.

 

And if she does come back, try to cement the actual marriage asap and dont let these things linger.

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