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jaguar_knight

Not Sure How To Keep Her Interested?

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Salaam Bros/Sisters

 

So straight to the point... Basically after many years of struggle to find a wife, i think i may have found someone who might be interested. BUT i am now hitting a potential problem of how to keep her interested. Obviously because this is a public forum i am not too inclined to give away too many details.

I will say this though... I am quite a shy kind of guy and she is quite talkative and outgoing, but somehow we are getting along. I would like to maintain this. Any suggestions? obviously whilst keeping within the boundaries of islam? no proposal has been made yet as we are getting to know each other.

 

I realize that my question may seem kind of vague.... If there is anyone who would be ok to talk by PM then that would be great (no offence to anyone but preferably SC members who are married already and/or a sister)... I just seriously need some advice as this is quite a new experience for me.

 

Thanks

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Asalaam Alaikum

I think your doing fine as you say you are getting along. Remember that to maintain interest has to be on both sides. Seems like are a little insecure, which is completely normal.

But I guess to answer your question, try to have interest in her things, or make new interests for the both of you.

As always in the end it is Allah (swt) that will give the blessing

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Bismillah.

 

Salaamun Alaykum.

 

Due to the fact that there has not been fixed any kind of marriage (permenant or temporary) between you, there is not many options to make her interested; but maybe the best and the only option is to speak with each other about marriage; speak to find out your common points and to realize your differences; speak about your plans on an assumption of getting married.

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

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Salam,

You both balance eachother out,thats why its working. Keep commincating and be yourself,onces your shyness will go,lol,you be more talkive then her. Inshallah, it will work out for you.

Talk about different topics, make her feel like your listening and take notes of what she likes. So in the future you can gift her something that shows you were listening. When you get engaged...

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Sallam Alaykum

Advice from a sister ..

I personally think that keeping a blessing since you're trying to get to know eachother , is really important. Keeping her interested isn't the main issue , because that goes under the issue of trying to keep the barriers.

If you're good at keeping the barriers then alhamdulilah takes you to the next level.

Try to find the commons, like start with anything basic , ask her general things , if you guys are studying , ask her what subjects she's interested in , anything she would like to take.

- the best thing a couple can do , is make a strong friendship . Just make sure you build trust & that she will be comfterable with you (as a friend that is) .

- ask her about her future ambitions

Find the similarities and differences (learn to accept those and admire those differences)

- if you're really shy , its okay infact its a good thing , that way you wouldn't get too comfterable.

- once you get to know eachother .. Please make sure that nothing changes in a negative way, as in... Try not to get too attached. Make sure things don't change.

As in, if you act all committed and like you really want to get to know her in the beginning but then all of that stops half way.. That (in some cases) increases the risk of a weak relationship. (Btw not gf and bf) i mean a halal friendship that has the potential to turn into a marriage.

There is something I'd like to highlight brother. (To all brothers and sisters) . You do your part , & let Allah do the rest. Do not worry because your spouses are already written. The thing is, you're just gonna have to do your little part .

An ideal husband is a God fearing/loving man . Why? For many reasons

1) Any man or woman that is God fearing would try hard to avoid shortcomings because they fear the consequences. Ie.. Disatisfying Allah.

2) Any Man or Woman that is God loving, they will love you /anyone great fully , exactly the way Allah would want His creatures to be loved. Allah wants the best for us, so how much love do you think we deserve ?

Everything righteous and ideal will fall under that category of having a perfect stable relationship/marriage life .. Once you have a close relationship with Allah swt.

Remember , marriage is about sacrifice (obviously to a certain extent) where , when you're shy you tend to avoid things because in a way they seem a little scary - butterflies in your tummy- facepalm- blushing- kind of thing ...

Try to face these fears, its not really a fear but i describes the symptoms above for that kind of fear lol .

Anyways , its perfectly normal and fine to be shy.. Infact embrace it because it could stop you from doing things wrong. Now Inshallah inshallah things go great.

Try to read some verses and kind of dedicate them to stabilise a relationship or it helps find that love before it is even introduced. This could strengthen everything inshallah ..

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.

One last thing . It takes 2 people to make or break a relationship .

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Girls want love and affection. They want to feel wanted, special, beautiful/attractive. Make her feel that way (Islamically, of course).

 

Bismillah.

 

Salaam BabyBeaverlsAKit,

 

How can you Islamically make someone - who is not Mahram with you- feel beautiful/attractive and wanted? Please explain more supporting by Ahadeeth.

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

Edited by narsis

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Thank you all so much, a lot of excellent advice here. i particularly liked what sister Yasoora said:

 

 

 

 

An ideal husband is a God fearing/loving man . Why? For many reasons 
1) Any man or woman that is God fearing would try hard to avoid shortcomings because they fear the consequences. Ie.. Disatisfying Allah. 
2) Any Man or Woman that is God loving, they will love you /anyone great fully , exactly the way Allah would want His creatures to be loved. Allah wants the best for us, so how much love do you think we deserve ? 

Everything righteous and ideal will fall under that category of having a perfect stable relationship/marriage life .. Once you have a close relationship with Allah swt.

 

Also:

 

 

Girls want love and affection. They want to feel wanted, special, beautiful/attractive. Make her feel that way (Islamically, of course).

 

Which is fine, but like Narsis said it is quite difficult to do that when we are still non-mahram. Getting along as friends is fine but since our objective is marriage it seems like everything we do or say is kind of a sign or an indirect indication that you are making this person feel special and wanted. keeping the balance between not disobeying Allah and showing love and affection to someone you want to marry is a tough challenge that we guys have to go through.

 

 

Any way.... something that consistently crops up is the word "Compatibility". This is like a dread word for me. What is meant by compatibility??? Is it religion? interests? objectives in life? or is it something deeper than that which I am not sure what it is?

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good luck brother, may Allah bring to u the best & be a friutfilled marriage,

 

seems ur both doing ok, just give her more attention and be as caring to her as possible. u have to make her feel she is the "ONE" in ur eyes & she is special to u. don't EVER make her feel like she is "just another proposal girl". don't make her feel cheep or low and forget the things u both spoke about in ur meetings she will think u dont listen to her "dont care about her", etc.

 

also, please do not talk about or bring up other past women to her. this can really bother most girls  :excl:

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just be yourself. listen to her and respond. share experiences and activities. read books and discuss them. plus don't worry about keeping anyone interested just enjoy the moment and live in the NOW

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Mlle.advice I have actually been doing what u said and guess what.... she just rejected me today. In fact she ended up talking about all her ex suitors and fiance all the time. What do you make of that????

She admitted that we are compatible but just told me that she has been put off and wouldn't tell the reason why. I'm telling you... I told her that she is the girl I want and she said she liked me. I don't understand.

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Salam,

That's not good news, I dont know why she wouldnt say the reason and I dont see why shes bringing up her ex suiters. Maybe you showed too too much interest,which for some of us it can be a turn off.

Dont get to anger and sad about it,you will find someone better inshallah..

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There is only one way to keep a present day woman interested in you.

 

Create a huge heap of money. Money, money and more money, and then even more money. Then keep adding to the heap! Sell your soul for it in order to show you love and affection to her (needs and wants).

 

Problem solved.

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Contrary to what people will tell you lively, talkative, animated wives with reserved, serious and to-the-point husbands make best couples. They seem to complement each other in the puzzle of life. Where one is lacking the other steps in to fill the gap. Things never go smooth even if they appear to be going so if both the wife and the husband have the same outlook on doing little things in life. There is too much clash like the sides of the magnet with the same charge.

 

Women are really not that complicated..

 

Beg your pardon?

Edited by Marbles

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Personally I wish all new couples all the best, however, if I wagered a dollar for each new couple that their marriage would go horribly wrong then I would become a billionaire. But then, who would be interested in booking such a wager.

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It is true that if you back off a little she will grow more interest in you, but really, who the hell wants to keep playing such games for the inevitable misery-bound following 60 odd years of your life?  Find someone decent, who genuinely is interested in you (in case this one isn't), as in values the genuine qualities in you, and she won't drift off for good or switch off even in a marriage.  I don't feel just quickly sealing the deal with a seemingly uninterested or perhaps immature person is always the best solution, I know people who have grown to regret such rash decisions.

Edited by King

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MK is spot on.

 

- It is nothing less than a life sentence so be very, very careful and don't let any other organ other than your head decide.

 

- Especially if you're living in the west where the law of the land requires you to surrender exactly half of all your possessions, property and bank accounts to the wife in the event of a divorce, even if she brought not a dime with her. That right there is a law no less cruel than the medieval law of Prima Noctae for the modern man considering marriage.

 

That said, I can give you THE golden rule of marriage though. Imam Hussain (as) said: "Ruined is he who married for wealth, beauty, status, power and all else except the one who married to gain the pleasure of Allah."

 

Adopt that, if you can, and you won't go wrong. Don't, and you most certainly will regret it. That is my experience.

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It is true that if you back off a little she will grow more interest in you, but really, who the hell wants to keep playing such games for the inevitable misery-bound following 60 odd years of your life?  Find someone decent, who genuinely is interested in you (in case this one isn't), as in values the genuine qualities in you, and she won't drift off for good or switch off even in a marriage.  I don't feel just quickly sealing the deal with a seemingly uninterested or perhaps immature person is always the best solution, I know people who have grown to regret such rash decisions.

 

 

 

(salam)

King -

 

If you think of it as a game, it will become one.  The reality is that almost all young women are like what the OP has described – and it is as they should be.

 

Women are in defense mode, this is how Allah has created them, they are looking for anything to doubt a man in terms of mating with him (marriage). Which is good – they have a lot to lose if things go bad, where as the guy doesn’t have that much to lose.

 

When a man smothers a woman with too much attention, he comes off as having weak character – because in fact he DOES have weak character. It’s a character flaw – its not a game.

Its  because a man has to realize that he doesn’t need to pursue a woman really hard. If he is pursuing her really hard its because he is lacking in some confidence.

 

There are tons and tons of women out there, and no one needs to lower their self respect to get one.

That’s the whole point.

 

Backing off a woman doesn’t always  make her come back – but it does stop things from getting worse. If the girl comes back and apologizes for being rude- great, shes a decent person, and may be they can have a good relationship afterwords.

 

If she never comes back, still good – the man has been able to save a lot of his dignity, hes learned some things, and he can move on to the next relationship with more confidence and a better understanding.

 

The reason I said to seal the deal quickly is because – long engagements have lots and lots of problems, and usually end badly.  If a person has spoken to some oen else for several months, and has done adequate research in to their character and are satisfied with the persons looks and personality, they should seal the deal. Letting it linger will invite a mess of problems, because couples ALWAYS have arguments and fights – and when people are not married, they are more likely to just end their relationship over petty issues, however when people are married – they will rarely do that because they realize there are serious consequences (divorce), and will thus be more apt to solving their problems and working through them, instead of just giving up.

 

Every couple will and always does have issues – its inevitable. Its just a matter of dealing with them properly. 

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Salam,

I dont understand why some of you brothers didnt give him brotherly advice when he needed it....

And know you come and say young woman are indecisive,no,not all of are indecisive. Some of us know what we want and are more serious about the relationship and it's out come.

Showing too much interest can be a turn off for men and woman,and in some cases people take advantage of the person thats showing to much interest. We people cant always give straight answers that will help,showing some interest and showing your true personality,is the main adivce anyone can give.

Op,you as a person need to figure out what the person is like,we can not determine why she acted the way she did. Her talking about her ex suiter,only means shes either comparing you to them or she reject someone that's better then you before.

You should cut all sorts of commuincation with her, Allah hu a3lima but she might be putting you as a second opition and if I were you I will not give a person with that mindset another goo. But it's your own decision. And remmber not everyone will give a direct reason as to why they dont want the person,some men and woman may find it rude to say they true reasons as to why they no longer want the person. Yes,it might or will put that indivudal in a guessing mood as to why they been rejected,it can be unfair but thats how some people are. Dont over think it and dont give up.

Al mufeed,if their was tons of woman that where relgious,shia and pure,he would of been married by now. Not everyone is surrounded by shia and good people,so it can be a mission impossible for some people.Theirs pleanty of fish in the sea but not every fish tastes good.

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You are right kim.tinkerbell... very sound and good advice but too little too late. Now I am sat here facing the unfortunate loneliness of rejection and heartbreak.

Fyi I never lowered my self respect, I always responded to the same attention she gave me. So it seems that she's been testing me and looking for reasons to doubt me. The question is do women genuinely believe from the bottom of their hearts that we men are simply not perfect, and perfection does not exist?

Do women appreciate what a man has to go through to win her hand and heart? She acknowledged my good qualities and looks etc. but rejected me over the pettiest of reasons.( not gonna say what).

If women are so fickle then getting married is going to be virtually impossible. Yet weddings seem to happen around me all the time. I just don't get it. And don't tell me this is the will of Allah. Allah gave us the rules and guidelines of getting married and has made our lives easy in that regard. It is us humans who have trampled on Allah's gift and favour... and this is the result, unnecessary heartbreak and to be quite frank oppressive behaviour from women.

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(salam)

 

Al Mufeed speaks the truth.  Sometimes you gotta make an extra effort but if you're trying too hard something's wrong.  You should always be yourself and if after that she's not fully interested you gotta step back.  You don't want to be her plan B or her consolation prize.  You gotta forget her, "NEXT" should be your attitude.  As harsh as that sounds, I think a lot of people have had their hearts broken but that's life.  Use the situation to get stronger and care for yourself.  The fact that you got hurt, means you gotta take care of yourself first.  Imagine the same roles happened to your little brother or sister or dearest friend, what advice would you give them? you gotta love yourself just like you would your own family.  So forget her and find someone else.

 

King's right also, if somebody shows that they like you but brings weak excuses later on about your flaws then you should be thanking your lucky stars because he/she has revealed themselves.  They weren't genuine to begin with.  It's good to tell people their flaws to make them a better person but the fact that she uses it as an excuse is just evidence that she wasn't genuinely interested in you to begin with. 

 

ws

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You are right kim.tinkerbell... very sound and good advice but too little too late. Now I am sat here facing the unfortunate loneliness of rejection and heartbreak.

Fyi I never lowered my self respect, I always responded to the same attention she gave me. So it seems that she's been testing me and looking for reasons to doubt me. The question is do women genuinely believe from the bottom of their hearts that we men are simply not perfect, and perfection does not exist?

Do women appreciate what a man has to go through to win her hand and heart? She acknowledged my good qualities and looks etc. but rejected me over the pettiest of reasons.( not gonna say what).

If women are so fickle then getting married is going to be virtually impossible. Yet weddings seem to happen around me all the time. I just don't get it. And don't tell me this is the will of Allah. Allah gave us the rules and guidelines of getting married and has made our lives easy in that regard. It is us humans who have trampled on Allah's gift and favour... and this is the result, unnecessary heartbreak and to be quite frank oppressive behaviour from women.

 

Salam. Rejection is part of life. I don't know that many brothers who have not been rejected multiple times before they found their wife. Some women reject by being strait out and saying 'I don't want to marry you'. Those are few. Most will do things like what you have said above, talk about ex's, be overly critical, or the favorite option nowdays is to have her father say something like 'She wants to finish her education before marriage'. Whatever form it comes in, it is the same thing. Don't take it personally (and I know that's easy to say and hard to do but please try) Face the fact that she doesn't want to marry you, don't prolong the misery by pretending there is something there when there isn't. 

 

If she wanted to marry you, you would have no doubt that she is interested in you and you wouldn't need to come on SC and make threads about it and you would have no problem keeping her interested. For a women who wants you, coffee at McDonald's would be enough to keep her interest, and for one who doesn't want you, a private jet ride to Paris and tea at the top of the Eiffel Tower wouldn't keep her interested. 

 

When it's the right one, you will know and you won't need to ask anyone, that's all I have to say. Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Oh I see... so basically she has been lying to me for the past 3 months when she says she is interested. No offence, but I think brother al mufeed understands the situation better. I saw the look on her face when the accursed iblees put confusion in her mind last week. She knew she was interested and in her heart she liked me. She expressed it in more than just words. That meant something and I want to see if it is still rescuable. How to get her out of her doubts? That's why I'm here on SC

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(salam)

 

jaguar_knight ,

 

The thing is that you cant blame women for being who they are. This is the way Allah created them. Not to be deceptive to you or to others - or to hurt you - but they have been created to be cautious, doubtful about men - and emotional in their nature.

 

Blame the society -  it has corrupted many of these women, or it has put them in a place that is outside of their role.

Islam has placed the wilayah of a girls marriage in the hands of her father. If he his an adil mumin man he will step in and direct her/encourage her towards marrying a person who fits Islams criteria. If the father were to teach the daughter about this when she was young, and be active in encouraging her to accept proposalas where teh person is mumin and fits Islamic criteria, you - nor virtually any decent shia brother would have any problems in getting married.

 

The problem is the parents - dont respect Islam or understand it enough - nor do they understand their daughters. Instead they lave these poor girls to be unmarried till they are in their mid 20s - give them essentially no guidance on the matter - sit idly by while they are corrupted by all sorts of satanic ideas about love/realationships/sex etc through society and the media - that are all far from Islam and  their fitrah.

 

Then they expect that these girls are going to be capable and of sound mind and soul to make the correct decision on their own when it comes to accepting a proper suitor?

 

The reality is that virtually every single person I know - to include very mumin people - who were also financially stable and even good looking to boot - who have gone through the exact same thing that you went through, and the same issues I have described.

Look just on this thread at how many brothers whose situations have mirrored the things that I described.

 

This is the reality in todays world.

 

Now what you need to do is keep these things in mind and when you enter in to the next relationship (inshaAllah) you will know exactly what to look out for and what to do.

 

I am sure you are feeling very upset over the matter, but thank Allah that you even have the ability to get married - and thank him for every thing that has happened. INshaAllah he will provide you with a spouse that is much better.

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