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In the Name of God بسم الله

Getting Someone To Hurry Up

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  • Advanced Member

salaam. most of the girls with whom i discussed marriage, were responsive. every once in a while i speak to a girl who takes much too long to respond right from the beginning of getting to know her. they dont want to talk on the phone, they dont want to meet, all they want is email and even so its very short messages. this is frustrating because eventually when i meet them i might not like them or vice versa. a couple of times i asked them if they had doubts and if i could help them clear them up. but after that they didnt even reply. i offended them? one girl was 29, not exactly young and a phd graduate. so why was she so slow to get to know someone. so what do you do about these people when they take it too slowly? sometimes they say no after taking a long time and wasting my time. i repeat most girls are not like this but its so hard when you are interested and they are leaving you in the dark.

recently i was speaking to a girl who took so so long then i told her to contact me when she was fine with speaking on the phone. i had important questions for her which are better no discussed with text messages. i just left her because i got frustrated. we arranged to speak a few times then she would change her mind. she was not a shy teenager but a very social person :s

Edited by Work
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  • Advanced Member

sister, could it be nervousness? i have been put in touch with another woman who is doing the same thing. taking very very long to respond to me. she told the match maker she doesnt have much experience talking marriage with men. i am deciding if i should be patient or just meet someone else.

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sister, could it be nervousness? i have been put in touch with another woman who is doing the same thing. taking very very long to respond to me. she told the match maker she doesnt have much experience talking marriage with men. i am deciding if i should be patient or just meet someone else.

 

 

It would be understandable if she's nervous at first talking to you on the phone or seeing you in person but there's no excuse to why shes' not replying to you, unless of course you come off as creepy. Also its marriage not a game. if she was serious she would at least agree to call you or visa versa.

 

"Shyness" is not a good reason, she needs to grow up. All our mothers and grandmothers were shy once. 

Edited by Raven
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Personally I believe everyone has the right to take as much time as they want - just like you have the right to go at the pace you want. The girls you mentioned probably aren't in a hurry, or maybe they believe in taking it slow - or maybe their 'getting to know process' is just different from yours.

 

Since you're giving it your all and offering to clear up their doubts, I don't see that there is anything more you can actively do. I guess you just decide if the girl in question is worth it; if not, you move on. But a little advice from someone's who's been there: be prepared for this process to be long, awkward and full of little frustrations and joys that come as fast they clear up. Be prepared to be surprised, to change your mind and to go with the disappointments. There are no shortcuts - there is only doing the best you can, and then doing it again and again till your effort is finally rewarded.

 

All the best!

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  • Advanced Member

Rsa, taking your time is one thing and not responding is another. It's quite rude to not respond to someone and how will the process progress if you dont commuincate? You need to commuincate to understand the person. Work, it looks like their not putting much affert into it, which may mean one of the two, they are uninterest or the dont want to marry....

If you write alot and someone response with a few sentances, then I would not waste my engery on such person. Dont tell me a 30 something is shy, they should be better then that and at least respond...

Maybe some have not talked to the oppsite gender, but they cant expect to get married without commuincating. We wonder why theirs a high rate of divorce, the lack of commuincation is the answer to that... People dont commuincate will from the start and they end up wondering why it didnt work...

If she doesnt commuincate,skip her and find another person, no one has time to waste on such matters. Or you can find a way to make her less nervous and to interact, maybe you can realt to her. That its okay to be nervous, that we all have been nervous. Tell her to bring someone with her when you meet up,make her feel comftorable.

Edited by kim.tinkerbell
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  • Advanced Member

thanks all for your answers. i will give her 2 days to reply. after that i will just meet someone else. most of those who do all this delaying are the older ones. i suppose its because they are only speaking to me because there arent many single religious older (late 20s and over) guys with good jobs around. so these sisters are in big doubts.

rsa how slow is acceptable. not sending a photo after a month??

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I always considered girls and spouses that act like this as "showing off" for themselves.

 

It is kinda like gov't surveillance: many people like it because it makes them feel important.

 

 

 

Now, I gotta tell this.

In the first years I of my parents marriage, I remember my mother going around the house changing the times on all the clocks. I asked her and she said it was so my Dad would leave at the time he thought it was so they would be where they were invited on time.

 

So after a few years, I was standing there when my father first saw my mother changing them back to the correct time. I forget where we all were. He asked her what she was doing. She just told him the truth.

 

My Father was almost never late or slow in leaving after that. 

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thanks all for your answers. i will give her 2 days to reply. after that i will just meet someone else. most of those who do all this delaying are the older ones. i suppose its because they are only speaking to me because there arent many single religious older (late 20s and over) guys with good jobs around. so these sisters are in big doubts. rsa how slow is acceptable. not sending a photo after a month??

There's a reason I didn't quantify my answer with 'acceptability' - it wouldn't be fair. We all have different standards to measure acceptability by, and no one gets to criticize another's standards. 

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Some women just love attention. I am not judging these women, I have no idea about them personally. But there are a lot of girls who just love getting attention from men and often times do it unconsciously. They have no real interest in a person, but will drag them along to feed their own ego - it happens quite often actually.

Men who have some experience/understanding of women can usually spot it out fairly quickly - and other women can also see it as well. However guys who are younger or have very little/no experience with these matters get dragged in to these silly games fairly easily.

 

There is often a reason why many girls are unmarried till their late 20s/30s - some of those reasons are legitimate (converts for example, or some born muslims who have had some serious issues preventing an early marriage), but for the most part its usually because these women never took marriage seriously. 

 

Don't waste your time with people who are not serious.

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  • Advanced Member

There are plenty of men that crave attantion and cry like babies when their not getting enough attantion. And some end up not marring at all because no one can bear them.

Both woman and men like that need reassurance and are usually insecure or just plain cocky with big egos...

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