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In the Name of God بسم الله

Who Uses Online Marriage Sites?

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coldcow

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So, my parents are bugging me to get married and keep suggesting people I have absolutely no interest in marrying.  So I'm kind of wondering about looking into one of these marriage sites and signing up.  But I don't know if it's just me, but I feel almost like it's haram.  I've just always grown up thinking my parents would find someone for me, and doing this feels like I'm going behind their back and trying to have a girl friend.  I'm definitely not doing that, but did anyone else who used one of these sites feel the same way?  

 

Also, when you first get started, is it kind of awkard talking to folks?  I feel like it could be.  Or like I could come across like a creeper messaging all these girls I don't know.  Ladies that use it, what's it like when you get messages from guys?  And I was looking through some sites and saw some pretty girls, but even if I like what I read in her profile, I'd almost feel weird messaging her because I know the thing that first caught my eye was her picture, and I'm sure she gets a lot of messages because of that.

 

Anyways, why'd you sign up?  What's your experience been like?  Ladies, any tips for not coming across as a creeper?

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So, my parents are bugging me to get married and keep suggesting people I have absolutely no interest in marrying.  So I'm kind of wondering about looking into one of these marriage sites and signing up.  But I don't know if it's just me, but I feel almost like it's haram.  I've just always grown up thinking my parents would find someone for me, and doing this feels like I'm going behind their back and trying to have a girl friend.  I'm definitely not doing that, but did anyone else who used one of these sites feel the same way?  

So, your parents aren't finding the "right types of girls"? What is your criterion for a good woman? 

How I see it, you aren't happy with the women that your parents are finding, but you feel guilt and think it is haram when you think about finding a woman on your own terms. Have you spoken to your parents about your thoughts about the women they are selecting?

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So, your parents aren't finding the "right types of girls"? What is your criterion for a good woman? 

How I see it, you aren't happy with the women that your parents are finding, but you feel guilt and think it is haram when you think about finding a woman on your own terms. Have you spoken to your parents about your thoughts about the women they are selecting?

My parents have a very specific idea of the type of girl to look for, and it's based largely on either how well my family knows their family, or where their family is from.  So they're basically looking for girls in a very small population.  For the most part, I don't trust a lot of the girls in this population as I know many of them don't pray, don't eat halal, and some have even had boy friends, but they put on a nice show and act religious at majlises and gatherings.  To be fair, there are still good ones, but I'm somewhat unique in my interests, my occupation, and my view on life, and it doesn't exactly match up with what my parents are looking for in the good ones either.

 

And my criteria center around religiousness, being humble and not money-minded, being healthy, charitableness, being outgoing and adventurous, being self-sufficient, and being street smart.  Tall order, and maybe I'm being too picky, but I don't want to have to get a second chance to get it right.

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Parents.! When it comes to getting married they can be a real pain in the arse.!

 

Personally, starting when I was in high school, I started hearing this cwap. So, ten plus years later, when I did find someone, I heard this (literally) screaming and cursing about "you can't marry this girl". The girl herself got the same routine. Why? Because she is Chinese.

So a few years later I got a job in East Asia, and as I was going out the door, my mother tells me that she and my father talked about it and if I came home with an oriental wife it was OK with them. I remember exactly what I thought: "You can't hit her, she's your mother." I almost did it anyway.

 

If you'd like some practical advice from me, an old guy, just ask.


Oh, I forgot.

 

Marriage Sites: These a basically a good idea. The problem is you get "stock answers" and "stock profiles".

 

Reason, it is very hard for people to articulate what they want in a spouse. And both sexes can be wandering around in some idealistic state.

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Marriage Sites: These a basically a good idea. The problem is you get "stock answers" and "stock profiles".

 

Describe yourself (girl): "I am fairly religious, pray regularly, fast, do hijab, go to majalis. I am easy going, I like humour, I like shopping and eating out sometimes, but not so much that it puts dent in the husband's wallet. So basically that's it".

 

Describe the spouse you want (girl): "I want a husband who is religious, who is understanding, compassionate, caring, helpful. He must be able to support me without taking help from the parents. Masters education is must not less."

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Describe yourself (girl): "I am fairly religious, pray regularly, fast, do hijab, go to majalis. I am easy going, I like humour, I like shopping and eating out sometimes, but not so much that it puts dent in the husband's wallet. So basically that's it".

 

Describe the spouse you want (girl): "I want a husband who is religious, who is understanding, compassionate, caring, helpful. He must be able to support me without taking help from the parents. Masters education is must not less."

That is so typical about 'religious' girls.

But to be honest the same is what 'religious' men want, not masters education but they also wouldn't take daughter of a peasant.

Or am I wrong?

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That is so typical about 'religious' girls.

But to be honest the same is what 'religious' men want, not masters education but they also wouldn't take daughter of a peasant.

Or am I wrong?

 

You are rigjht; same with men, religious or not, they all call themselves 'religioius,' as if it's quantifiable or assessable in a few marriage interviews.

 

Educated men want educated women. She should be masters too but stay at home, cook, clean and don't argue with the husband. Here's a lill joke:

 

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I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your expectations seem completely reasonable to me, and even though I have nothing against parent-suggested relationships, I think marrying someone you chose and came to a decision about is completely different. Putting yourself out there is hard for anyone, and it shows a responsibility and effort that I know the kind of girl you're looking for will appreciate.

 

The whole process of finding the right one is hard and awkward and LONG - online or otherwise, so don't try to find any shortcuts. There will be doubts and frustrations along the way and trust me, you wouldn't want to have it any other way. Do not forget to take your time. Do not rush into a commitment of any sort due to any factors whatsoever (Hint: society/parental pressures). There's not much you can't know about someone if you 'get to know them' for a year or so, despite the fact that you won't be 'going out' together or doing anything outside the bounds of Sharia. And definitely consider mutah after a while of starting to get to know her.

 

That being said, 'not coming across as a creeper' online has the same rules as in real life. Be sincere, do NOT lie about anything, be respectful and have realistic expectations . Most importantly, through the entire process, be true to yourself. Are you trying to make excuses for a girl you know doesn't meet your criteria but is pretty? Are you talking to a non-mahram to kill time or do you really consider her a prospect? When we're doing that kind of thing, we usually know it. Once you find prospects, just send them a brief introductory message and find out as much as you can, but keep in mind that after a while your resources for getting to know her should extend to more than just herself. That could include people in her community, at her workplace/college etc. The farther her lifestyle/culture is to yours, the harder this will be. But don't let that be an off-putting factor; there are no hard and fast rules. I know people who made it work despite ethnicity odds.

 

In short, follow your gut and be sincere, and you should be just fine.

 

All the best!


But I don't know if it's just me, but I feel almost like it's haram.  I've just always grown up thinking my parents would find someone for me, and doing this feels like I'm going behind their back and trying to have a girl friend.  I'm definitely not doing that, but did anyone else who used one of these sites feel the same way?  

That's completely normal. If it feels totally natural messaging all those girls, then you have something to worry about :D


And I was looking through some sites and saw some pretty girls, but even if I like what I read in her profile, I'd almost feel weird messaging her because I know the thing that first caught my eye was her picture, and I'm sure she gets a lot of messages because of that.

That is a valid problem, and the fact that you're worried about it is a good sign. 

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If you choose to use an online service, be careful. Use the same rules and criteria you would IRL. You are worrying about being thought a creeper, but women can be creepers too.

Personally, I found these sites to be a waste of time, but I also know people who have successful marriages and met through a matchmaking site.

Can't you turn off the photos if you fear that they cause you to be interested for wrong reasons?

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Bismillah.

 

Salaamun Alaykum brother.

 

I think you have to do some certain things together:

  1. You have to give your parents your criteria – maybe there are some girls with your terms in the small population you've mentioned –.
  2. You, yourself, begin searching for your ideal girl in both real and virtual world.
  3. Reduce your expectations regarding criteria; as you know we are only human being with some weak points; as you certainly have some weak points, all girls and boys have some. So please reduce your expectation and search for the best possible match – not the best ideal one –.
  4. Do lots of praying and ask Allah to help you as soon as possible; there are lots of secrets in praying.

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

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Would I sign up? Nope I wouldnt,why? Because people act unnaturel online,well most feel like they have to be a certain way. Eg, even if your not relgious, you would act like you are... I dont trust humans. Honestly,it's hard to crack people in real life let alone online..

How do you determine someone is relgious,anyways? Just because they pray and attent friday prayers doeant mean he/she is relgious.

My cousion onces told me half the woman one these sites are divorced and they want someone with phd/masters. Lol, I wonder if people use other peoples photos on such sites. I know this person that actually found someone and their married now, so I cant say its bad completely. But they meet in real life and spoke for quite a well. You have to meet in real life to see how it goes..

I dont think girls on such sites will get offended or creeped out if you send them a normal message because they are their for the same reason as you. Just dont add winks and act werid. Be yourself and inshallah you get someone good, if not online then offline,lol.

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Yeah, I personally want to be very open and forthright, because I think this is not an area where there's much room for anything else if you want to be happy in life.  But I don't know how everyone else feels, and if someone is willing to lie online just to get themselves, or their family member, married.  

 

Another thing, as I'm searching, there are so many profiles!  I'm a very thorough person, so I feel I'd need to go through them all, but ain't nobody got time fo' that!

 

InshAllah I'll get it figured out.  Thank you all for your advice/help.

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