Difficult To Finde A Girl

[Search2]

Salam

 

I am a little bit over 30, never married, was born and bred and live in Europe. I would like to marry but don´t know how to finde a girl, the right one. I haven´t finished my studies, I don´t have a degree. I would like to start and finish my undergraduate as soon as possible. But at the moment, I am even unemployed. I am a shy person, I don´t go out, avoid socializing and I am family-oriented.

I spend too much time with my family, instead of obtaining my own goals.

 

I´m not fakir, but in my opinion I can´t wait longer. I think that I am even too late and that I either finde a girl in the next maybe 2 years or thats it. I registred yesterday at shiamatch, waiting for a email to get access and that the only possibility, I know so far. My situation is difficult and not the best to finde the right one. But even if I finde a girl in the internet, how could I know that she is the right one and that we will be happy? There are too many people don´t act how they really are and I don´t want to marry and then after a short time divorce. That would be horrible. It should be for ever.

I hope that also I could finde my match, but I don´t know how. It should be a mix of love, respect, same goals and similar charakter.

 

[kim.tinkerbell]

Salam,

If you have alot of things in commen and you have simialer understand, then she could be the one for you. You need to ask her open questions and see her opinion on certain matters, then you can see if shes similer to you. I think you should always meet in person because their are many liers and not real people on the interent. You need to test them out. In real life you can see their expresstion and how they speak,sit,act and you can sense if their the one.

Once you see her your heart will tell you if you like her and once you talk to her you will see her true self..

[notme]

Love is not a feeling. That feeling is infatuation. It is temporary and fleeting. The right person will be someone with compatible goals and values, and communication is the only way you can find that out. Given that you are unemployed, no degree, and old, I'd recommend not making too stringent criteria for temporary or unimportant things like looks, education, wealth, or culture.

Love is the set of actions resulting from the choice to put the needs and wishes of another ahead of or equal to your own. If both partners make the choice to love, the marriage can not fail.

Be patient. Don't make unwise decisions based on emotion. I wish you success.

[kadhim]

Oh, there are lots of girls out there. Millions. Women - not so much. Best of luck.

[Maryaam]

Oh, there are lots of girls out there. Millions. Women - not so much. Best of luck.

 

And vice versa.

[King]

You aren't in horrible shape.  You will remain marriageable for quite some time, just focus on your studies, enjoy them, try to find a co op program so you can gain some experience as well.  Focusing on something you can control i.e your studies/interests will give you a lot of needed confidence and make you desirable to women.  

 

This is just me, but I wouldn't even think of marriage in your situation, unless of course you stumble upon a very good match.

[Wahdat]

You need employment to have/run a family and vice versa. Finish your studies first. It doesnt have to be a degree for nowadays they are not worth the paper that they are printed on but any sort of vocational skills that'd get you a job right away. Prepare for marriage in the meantime. Once employed, tie the knot.

My advice for any Western guy of non-Western decent is to go back to your mother communities and marry there.

Because it gives better odds for a stable life than marriage sites.

[Search2]

Salam,

If you have alot of things in commen and you have simialer understand, then she could be the one for you. You need to ask her open questions and see her opinion on certain matters, then you can see if shes similer to you. I think you should always meet in person because their are many liers and not real people on the interent. You need to test them out. In real life you can see their expresstion and how they speak,sit,act and you can sense if their the one.

Once you see her your heart will tell you if you like her and once you talk to her you will see her true self..

 

Thank you for your advice. I thought that I maybe finde someone in the internet, because it is quite difficult for me, but I think I was wrong.

I am not in the position and also not the person to such advantures, like to marry with a girl, I don´t really know.

Therefore, I still prefer the classic way.

[Search2]

Love is not a feeling. That feeling is infatuation. It is temporary and fleeting. The right person will be someone with compatible goals and values, and communication is the only way you can find that out. Given that you are unemployed, no degree, and old, I'd recommend not making too stringent criteria for temporary or unimportant things like looks, education, wealth, or culture.

Love is the set of actions resulting from the choice to put the needs and wishes of another ahead of or equal to your own. If both partners make the choice to love, the marriage can not fail.

Be patient. Don't make unwise decisions based on emotion. I wish you success.

 

Thank you. I hope that I will not make the wrong decision. Hopefully.

[Search2]

You aren't in horrible shape.  You will remain marriageable for quite some time, just focus on your studies, enjoy them, try to find a co op program so you can gain some experience as well.  Focusing on something you can control i.e your studies/interests will give you a lot of needed confidence and make you desirable to women.  

 

This is just me, but I wouldn't even think of marriage in your situation, unless of course you stumble upon a very good match.

 

Thank you. I am currently not thinking about marriage and changed my minde, but sometimes, I think that there could be someone suitable to me and my situation. I will more focuse on studies and job, as it is also fundamental for my life. It will take some time, but after a while, like you said, it will change my opportunities.

[Search2]

You need employment to have/run a family and vice versa. Finish your studies first. It doesnt have to be a degree for nowadays they are not worth the paper that they are printed on but any sort of vocational skills that'd get you a job right away. Prepare for marriage in the meantime. Once employed, tie the knot.

My advice for any Western guy of non-Western decent is to go back to your mother communities and marry there.

Because it gives better odds for a stable life than marriage sites.

 

Thank you. The marriage site was really a wrong decision. Another experience I made.

[Shiabro]

You need employment to have/run a family and vice versa. Finish your studies first. It doesnt have to be a degree for nowadays they are not worth the paper that they are printed on but any sort of vocational skills that'd get you a job right away. Prepare for marriage in the meantime. Once employed, tie the knot.

My advice for any Western guy of non-Western decent is to go back to your mother communities and marry there.

Because it gives better odds for a stable life than marriage sites.

What would you suggest, non-Western Muslim girls living in the West do then?

Or you think they are not compatible to get married to a non-Western man who are usually lower in social status than themselves?

I agree that non-Western Muslim women living in the West need too long to get married, also due to social and cultural reasons. They are usually better educated and earn more money than their male counterparts, hence no urge to get married...

But they need a solution as well to get married, don't you think so?

The West has put things upside-down for Muslim society. And Muslims need to adapt new methods to survive there.

The situation is somehow similar in Iran, with similar number of unmarried women who want to explore the (Western) world!

Edited March 25, 2014 by Shiabro

[baqar]

What would you suggest, non-Western Muslim girls living in the West do then?

 

Good point !

 

If Muslim men living in the West should go to their ancestral homes to get married, where should Muslim women go?

 

Remain in the West as spinsters or marry nonbelievers?  

[silviafini]

 I haven´t finished my studies, I don´t have a degree. I would like to start and finish my undergraduate as soon as possible. But at the moment, I am even unemployed. I am a shy person, I don´t go out, avoid socializing and I am family-oriented.

 

 

Salam, brother.

 

I don't think those are the reasons of difficulties to find the right one, except one: avoid socializing. I am having the same difficulties even though I am not a shy person, love to socialize, and make a lot of relatives. I suggest you to have more participation social life, ask Allah for the right one and believe in Allah. Be patient, I'm sure your prayer will be answered at the right time. That's what I do, I am experiencing the same thing as you are.

[Search2]

Salam, brother.

 

I don't think those are the reasons of difficulties to find the right one, except one: avoid socializing. I am having the same difficulties even though I am not a shy person, love to socialize, and make a lot of relatives. I suggest you to have more participation social life, ask Allah for the right one and believe in Allah. Be patient, I'm sure your prayer will be answered at the right time. That's what I do, I am experiencing the same thing as you are.

 

 

Salam, sister.

 

thank you very much for your posting. I am trying to socialize more and to overcome my shyness. So far, I do what you are also doing, pray and be patient. But I am getting older and thought, that there could be something. I don´t have any experience or knowledge.

[Ali Dhe Malang]

it is hard to find a good woman :(

[Hasan0404]

Very Very Hard @)

[Ali Musaaa :)]

As a friend of mine once said: every guy expects a wife like Seyyida Zahra, yet he is not even half the man Imam Ali was.

 

Lower your expectations and criteria, or make major changes and improvements in your life and relationship with Allah. If you want a wife thats like she's walked straight out of a Hadith, then this is what you need to do. Additionally, do not forget that all things are in the Hands of Allah and He is the best of those who provide.

 

May Allah give us all righteous spouses:

 

‘Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and offspring. Make us good examples to those who are aware of You’. [25:74]

[Ali-F]

Brother, I got a good way for you.

 

Go and find a girl which you find pretty. Like, in a masjid or other places. Talk with this girl, and tell her about having mutaa with you. Well, this mutaa can give you access to many pleasures, like speaking with the girl in private etc.

 

After the mutaa contract, you'll have known each other better, and then you can marriage.

 

 

Easy n good..

[notme]

Good point !

If Muslim men living in the West should go to their ancestral homes to get married, where should Muslim women go?

Remain in the West as spinsters or marry nonbelievers?

I would imagine that more men than women migrate for the sake of education or work, so probably some should seek a wife from "back home". Probably it is just best to not generalize. There is no single solution that fits everyone's situation.

[gajarkahalva]

Just get your parents to find you someone. They know you better than you know yourself probably. Then just get married. Ignore her looks. Allah puts the proper kind of love between you once you are married. Ensure she has good character (i'm sure your parents will), then just marry. Get your parents to support you initially in the marriage and the employment will come later. You will have completed half your religion. I feel sorry for people who marry so late!

[Praetorius]

 

As a friend of mine once said: every guy expects a wife like Seyyida Zahra, yet he is not even half the man Imam Ali was.

 

Lower your expectations and criteria, or make major changes and improvements in your life and relationship with Allah. If you want a wife thats like she's walked straight out of a Hadith, then this is what you need to do. Additionally, do not forget that all things are in the Hands of Allah and He is the best of those who provide.

Oh please. I call absolute BS on this. Is it wrong of me to want a wife who at least tries to observe minimum hijaab, doesn't listen to music, is modest, can at least recite the Quran etc.??? This does not equate the standard to that of Sayyida Zehra (as) at all. 

 

If I'm likely never to get married because of these limits I impose on myself, then so be it. But I'll be damned before I ever consider marrying a typical cultural desi with the facebook-selfie syndrome and non-religious attitude (which is all I have found during the past 2 years of exhaustive searching for a wife in Paki-land). So yes, call me a hypocrite or whatever for not being "half the man Imam Ali (as) was", but I'm not lowering my standards one bit 

[lover]

Oh please. I call absolute BS on this. Is it wrong of me to want a wife who at least tries to observe minimum hijaab, doesn't listen to music, is modest, can at least recite the Quran etc.??? This does not equate the standard to that of Sayyida Zehra (as) at all.

I am 100% with you on this, people sometimes believe that when they follow the basic Islamic stuff means they can be Imam Ali or Hd Zahra, but the secrets of the Lady of two worlds is only with God, not even the purest women can come close to her and there are and have been very pure women in this world.

Any even remote comparison to her would be nonsense.

Edited April 15, 2014 by lover

[kim.tinkerbell]

it is hard to find a good woman :(

No, it's not hard to find a good person. You just havent looked enough to find them...

[Mahdi_theguideforall]

Oh please. I call absolute BS on this. Is it wrong of me to want a wife who at least tries to observe minimum hijaab, doesn't listen to music, is modest, can at least recite the Quran etc.??? This does not equate the standard to that of Sayyida Zehra (as) at all.

If I'm likely never to get married because of these limits I impose on myself, then so be it. But I'll be damned before I ever consider marrying a typical cultural desi with the facebook-selfie syndrome and non-religious attitude (which is all I have found during the past 2 years of exhaustive searching for a wife in Paki-land). So yes, call me a hypocrite or whatever for not being "half the man Imam Ali (as) was", but I'm not lowering my standards one bit

I totally second that! And knowing the state of my community atm, I dont see myself ever getting married.

Religion is the number 1 priority. You want to have a wife who can be part of your spiritual journey to becoming a better individual everyday. Not someone shallow and materialistic.

Of course, one needs to change themselves first before looking for a partner who is religious, but never ever lower your standards when it comes to religion.

[Wahdat]

What would you suggest, non-Western Muslim girls living in the West do then?

Or you think they are not compatible to get married to a non-Western man who are usually lower in social status than themselves?

I agree that non-Western Muslim women living in the West need too long to get married, also due to social and cultural reasons. They are usually better educated and earn more money than their male counterparts, hence no urge to get married...

But they need a solution as well to get married, don't you think so?

The West has put things upside-down for Muslim society. And Muslims need to adapt new methods to survive there.

The situation is somehow similar in Iran, with similar number of unmarried women who want to explore the (Western) world!

 

For females it kinda gets tricky. The mere cause of the long distances of our communities from West is bound to fade our values little by little and day by day. Marrying someone from back home sorta reenforces those values upon you when you are a guy. And that is a good thing. For girls however its not the same as their values are aligned oppositely with our traditional values. While its almost always good for a guy to have a traditional wife, its not necessarily always good for a girl that is grown in West to have a traditional husband. So yes, girls are stuck in a tough situation. The way I see it is that things that are not in accordance with our traditions are only few decades old and traditions many milinea. its always safe to go with tradition. For women it might be tough to go through with but in the end I believe its their best option and subsequently our societies' best option. 

Ashraf Ghani's (possibly next Afghan president) childhood friend is/was a shepherd. The different paths that their lives took was highly shaped by Ghani's mother who was literate. I saw one of his speeches where he mentioned this as means of shedding light on some of the counter productive gender norms in the country. And thanks to the West, almost all of Muslim girls living here are literate and most accomplished. So it could really work out if there is a will.