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In the Name of God بسم الله

Barriers For Marriage.

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Salam,    I know there are many single brothers and sisters on SC.  I also know that most of them want to get married. So maybe we can come up with a list of the 'top three' or 'top five' barriers to

Abu Hadi should start his own match making site ! 

Oh boy, this will be a long one.   First of all, marriage isn't economically viable, especially in today's time when prices are rising faster than the number of jobs available in the market. Sure, job

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what about other factors not in ur list but also important like family or health issues?

 

how can u solve a family problem where u want to marry the person but u know u cannot tolerate the persons' family?? like a demanding or bad tempered father-in-law , how about a VERY manipulate mother-in-law where her word comes first? i know many sisters & brothers would not want their son/daughter cuz marrying them seems to be a box of social problems not happy times. 

 

how about family health issues (even simple issues)? if u have a health issue in ur family, most likely people will back away from u , not want to marry u. how can u assure people or make them feel comfortable towrads u??  

 

 

 

Ws

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There are lots of positive promotion to be married – but you asked for Barriers!  -_-

 

I totally agree with your general barriers that you listed – money, ethnicity (and also lots of mixed ethnicity nowadays - oh no!! :o ) and lack of acceptance of temporary marriages.

 

Barriers (self imposed) to nikah marriage for women:

 

  • Distrust – need to make sure Plan B is firmly in place – school, training, jobs.
  • Loss of independence and freedom of choice – which, ironically, you get used to having when in school, training and jobs…
  • Possible abusive situation from husband or his family – this could be a nightmare.

 

Women look for mature/responsible, caring, financially secure, independent men who are broad minded and flexible.  If they can't find them, they put off marriage.   

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I guess Im not getting married than. I have a health problem and I recently developed.

no sister I don't mean it like that of course some people don't look at these things but lots of others do I'm talking about when it's in the family like heart disease or something. but why I say this cuz I realized this happens often & I know it happened to someone I know.

I wonder what br Abu hadi can tell us as advice on this issue

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How about age and maturity? A lot of kids around here want to get married asap, but it's quite obvious that they lack the emotional maturity to shoulder the responsibilities that marriage entails.

 

Yeah, yeah, you were on about this before.  What about those who use this statement to justify delaying marriage way longer than they should?  Sure, some people on here have entertained fast, early marriage.  But my experience in the real world is that most don't, and make up every possible excuse to postpone it (ie im too young, im not mature enough, I still wanna find myself and enjoy life, etc). 

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Salam,

Barriers:

Finishing education, alot of people like to focus at one thing a time. Female docters delay the most in my view because they have alot more studies. Their are men that are not supportive and dont care about education, some dont even approve of your degree, its like nothing to them. Some men are just jealous, and they dont want you to successed...

Men taking your freedom away, meaning he wants to be incharge of ever little thing. Their is an extant to how much you can take charge of,you cant push the limit...

Seeing faild marriages...

You need to help your parents. I would like to add that it's not just men that support their family,females support them too. If you dont have a brother, its like duty to support them.

Solution

Get a educated patner, try to balance out stuides and marriage. Delay pregrence/children will studying. Or just marry after you finish your 3 years at university. Find someone that appricates you and respects you and what you have accomplished.

Not all men will take your freedom away, you just need to find that 2%,lool. Just explain to him your not used to some things. Sometimes we can take this freedom thing too far without noticing, we want to be equal we want to be as good as the oppisite, we feel like that if we given in the other person will only take. In some cases they do take and not give but remmber some men will give more then you think.

Look at the positive aspcte of marriage. Delay children just in case it doesnt work out. Look at people that have a great relationship and ask questions and understand how and why they have a good marriage.

Find a better job,lol.

Oh I forgot, some people just dont get any proposales, not many people know them and some people dont like to go to commuinty events and some are just shy. Offcourse the soultion would be to goo to events but that will not guarante them a proposal.

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no sister I don't mean it like that of course some people don't look at these things but lots of others do I'm talking about when it's in the family like heart disease or something. but why I say this cuz I realized this happens often & I know it happened to someone I know.

I wonder what br Abu hadi can tell us as advice on this issue

I'm really not sure where you're taking this. One in three deaths in Australia is related to cardiovascular diseases - the numbers are similar across the board, especially in the West. If people really cared about heart disease, we'd have almost a third of the population sitting single at home, waiting to die.

 

There are lots of positive promotion to be married – but you asked for Barriers!  -_-

 

I totally agree with your general barriers that you listed – money, ethnicity (and also lots of mixed ethnicity nowadays - oh no!! :o ) and lack of acceptance of temporary marriages.

The lack of acceptance of temporary marriages is a particularly interesting factor, and one that I think plays a significant role in emotional maturity for individuals. If there was more acceptance of such marriages, people would have far more exposure to the realities and pressures of marriage. As is, a lot of people have barely interacted with the opposite gender in any meaningful way. Not only does that mean that most don't know what pressures they'll face in marriage or what expectations their potential partners will have, but with lack of prior experience they don't know how to deal with the conflicts that do arise in the early years of marriage, which really are the most formative ones. Personally, I find it despicable that as a religious community we have allowed our flawed sense of honor (linked of course to control the genitalia of wives, sisters, daughters) to trump the emotional and social well-being of people. We would be extremely lucky if a single person reading this were able to say that he/she doesn't know a single dysfunctional relationship/marriage.

 

If the ultimate goal of a marriage is companionship towards a fun, fulfilling and happy life, most Muslim kids out of high school or even university (especially the engineers :dry: ) have little clue as to what it really entails. So when y'all grow up, get married, and have children.. tell them it's okay to fall in love and have their hearts broken.

 

Yeah, yeah, you were on about this before.  What about those who use this statement to justify delaying marriage way longer than they should?  Sure, some people on here have entertained fast, early marriage.  But my experience in the real world is that most don't, and make up every possible excuse to postpone it (ie im too young, im not mature enough, I still wanna find myself and enjoy life, etc). 

Oh man, did I step on your toes? My apologies if I've touched a nerve, but it should be pretty obvious I'm not talking about people who use that statement to justify delaying marriage way longer than they should. And even so, so what if someone wants to delay marriage? I'm really not bothered by it.

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Oh man, did I step on your toes? My apologies if I've touched a nerve, but it should be pretty obvious I'm not talking about people who use that statement to justify delaying marriage way longer than they should. And even so, so what if someone wants to delay marriage? I'm really not bothered by it.

 

???

 

Anyway, that's an interesting statement.  You seem concerned if people marry early, but not bothered if people marry too late (or not at all I guess).  Half the religion?  OVERRATED.   

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^ I just can't lose sleep over people choosing to marry late or not at all. I've tried to care, but I just doesn't happen.

 

As for the early marriage bit, all I've said is that a lot of kids just don't have the life experience and emotional maturity to get married. As far as I know, that has yet to sabotage any individual's plans to get married at an early age.

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I'm really not sure where you're taking this. One in three deaths in Australia is related to cardiovascular diseases - the numbers are similar across the board, especially in the West. If people really cared about heart disease, we'd have almost a third of the population sitting single at home, waiting to die.

 

 

yes i understand heart disease is common , i just used it as an example cuz i had nothing else on my mind. the issue is not with heart disease im trying to say that sometimes health issues in the family can prevent people from marrying you or seeing u as future suitor. cuz most people nowadays seems that they getting more & more afraid of hereditary disease and their children getting them so our generation is beginning to take stuff like this as important and making it decide who they marry. back then knowledge was limited & it didn't really matter to people that much. why i say this cuz it happened to someone i know who got Epilipsey and her suitor & his family called the whole thing off cuz they thought it was in the family (even when it was not).

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Oh boy, this will be a long one.

 

First of all, marriage isn't economically viable, especially in today's time when prices are rising faster than the number of jobs available in the market. Sure, jobs exist should I decide to drive an oil tanker in Northern Canada, but yeah... I'd rather not.

 

In other words, marriage is delayed cause careers are starting later, cause more education is required even in the most basic jobs and so on.

 

And the other major reasons in this pathetically backward cultural baggage from 'back home'. Oh the wonders of this Pakistani culture, apparently my country which I have only seen for 6 months at maximum, which is roughly cumulative for say four or five visits.. Out of these 6 months, I had to spend time either in home, or at someone else's home, eating some fine Pakistani cuisine which will make my stomach go crazy in the bathroom.

 

Why I spend time in home you might ask?

 

Well cause one day there is curfew, the next day firing, or mass kidnapping, or this or that, I walk out, people freak out and take me back in cause the 'current' situation is bad.

 

 

Wait a minute, I wasn't born yesterday, Pakistan's condition is bad all year round, since I can remember as far back, there is something bad happening.

 

So when I never saw this country, have always heard nothing but the good ol' (halaat kharab) situation of Pakistan, got diarrhea eating it's cholesterol induced food, a country where me being a Shi'a will get me a bullet to the head (at times), why the hell should I follow this country's culture?

 

But heck I have to, if not, then there will be a mass heart-attack to all family members. I mean, something-something, tears go loose, like a waterfall, and all of a sudden everyone is getting a heart-attack.

 

Never mind the Pakistani food is nothing but spices, cholesterol, no veggies whatsoever (eating veggies will make you Indian; the enemy) and more cholesterol. But noooo, heart problems happen cause of YOU!

 

Some Science.

 

Then, Pakistanis mingle with one and other so much, I mean so much that other's perceptions regarding me has to be the standard. I mean I must walk the walk, so that this uncle and aunty, as per their fifty year old mentality from 'back home', all the way from Pakistan will judge me, living in the West, I see no co-relation, but must live a life that pleases them. 

 

Yes, I have to live a life which pleases the crowd a person's parents mingle. And this crowd is everywhere, doesn't matter where you go, the Pakistani culture is that backward, from the 'secular' Pakistani household, to a 'religious' one.

 

Pakistani culture > Islam. Sad.

 

Which brings my main point.

 

My barriers are:

 

1) She has to be a Syed, cause you know, non-Syeds are inferior. Like really inferior. Can't mix my royal bloodline with a non-Sayed, it would give me a faulty offspring.

 

2) If she is a 'najmutarafan' (Both parents are Syeds = better than single parent being a Syed or Syed ^2squared > S ^1) hence she must be God-send.

 

3) Has to be from the city one's parents grew up in, cause other cities..bad.

 

4) Same ethnicity, since you know [insert infinite stereotypes] regarding the other people. The Prophet (pbuh) brought tribes together.. ahh, never mind.

 

4) Has to be from the same NEIGHBOURHOOD, one's parents grew up, if, and only if, she is not the cousin. Cousin marriage is the best. Never mind genetic problems. .. Ok yes I know one-timer is fine, but the glorious culture has been breeding this way for generations. 

 

5) She is a crowd-pleaser. Who cares if she is religious or not, if she can rock that hijab at the time of a dua, and recite something (no Quran recitation please, only Wahhabis do that :dry:) offers other aunties chai, then she is the best daughter-in-law material ever. Period.

 

Who cares about the attributes the person who is actually doing the marriage wants. No way!

What the parents want, based on other people's perception, and in respect with this back ward culture, must only happen. Islamic or not, that is secondary, a culture from a country that I never saw, is on the downward spiral ever since I was born is what matters. Period.

 

Any resistance, and the heart-attack threats start.

 

And why these conditions?

 

Because marriage isn't a boy and girl getting married, but that day, their entire generations (past, present, future) gets married,. (Can't even comprehend this awesome logic)

 

So yeah, I must abide my these unrealistic barriers, if only my culture wasn't this backward, and unrealistic expectations that means absolutely nothing as far as Islam is concerned was placed upon my head, I would be content.

 

 

And yeah before you judge, I am no 'burger boy', I can speak, read, write Urdu, have all the famous poems and patriotic songs memorized at one point in time or anything,

 

It is good to follow your culture in say, a cultural event, it is good to show off your ancestry, your heritage, get involve in charities that do good to your people back home, and stuff of the sort, even wear your traditional clothes, good to represent, but to abide every single rule of it while living on the other side of the globe does not make sense.

 

</rant>

 

Man, sorry to know about your situation, really. It bears a big stamp of Karachi (unending violence) Syed (royally special) Urdu (best language, others are rotten) mentality through and through. So all you can do is give more figurative heart attacks to the 'old guard'. They have lived their life, doing whatever, and now it's your turn to live your life, and like in East in East (film), when the Pakistani father scolds his sons for being "bad Pakistanis", he gets told, 'but dad, we're not Pakistani; We're British' :D In the eyes of some, that puts in you in the burger category so it's not something you can fight off really. Just listen to (and ignore) fatwa-labels wherever they come from, and keeping moving on with your life.

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Oh boy, this will be a long one.

 

First of all, marriage isn't economically viable, especially in today's time when prices are rising faster than the number of jobs available in the market. Sure, jobs exist should I decide to drive an oil tanker in Northern Canada, but yeah... I'd rather not.

 

In other words, marriage is delayed cause careers are starting later, cause more education is required even in the most basic jobs and so on.

 

And the other major reasons in this pathetically backward cultural baggage from 'back home'. Oh the wonders of this Pakistani culture, apparently my country which I have only seen for 6 months at maximum, which is roughly cumulative for say four or five visits.. Out of these 6 months, I had to spend time either in home, or at someone else's home, eating some fine Pakistani cuisine which will make my stomach go crazy in the bathroom.

 

Why I spend time in home you might ask?

 

Well cause one day there is curfew, the next day firing, or mass kidnapping, or this or that, I walk out, people freak out and take me back in cause the 'current' situation is bad.

 

 

Wait a minute, I wasn't born yesterday, Pakistan's condition is bad all year round, since I can remember as far back, there is something bad happening.

 

So when I never saw this country, have always heard nothing but the good ol' (halaat kharab) situation of Pakistan, got diarrhea eating it's cholesterol induced food, a country where me being a Shi'a will get me a bullet to the head (at times), why the hell should I follow this country's culture?

 

But heck I have to, if not, then there will be a mass heart-attack to all family members. I mean, something-something, tears go loose, like a waterfall, and all of a sudden everyone is getting a heart-attack.

 

Never mind the Pakistani food is nothing but spices, cholesterol, no veggies whatsoever (eating veggies will make you Indian; the enemy) and more cholesterol. But noooo, heart problems happen cause of YOU!

 

Some Science.

 

Then, Pakistanis mingle with one and other so much, I mean so much that other's perceptions regarding me has to be the standard. I mean I must walk the walk, so that this uncle and aunty, as per their fifty year old mentality from 'back home', all the way from Pakistan will judge me, living in the West, I see no co-relation, but must live a life that pleases them. 

 

Yes, I have to live a life which pleases the crowd a person's parents mingle. And this crowd is everywhere, doesn't matter where you go, the Pakistani culture is that backward, from the 'secular' Pakistani household, to a 'religious' one.

 

Pakistani culture > Islam. Sad.

 

Which brings my main point.

 

My barriers are:

 

1) She has to be a Syed, cause you know, non-Syeds are inferior. Like really inferior. Can't mix my royal bloodline with a non-Sayed, it would give me a faulty offspring.

 

2) If she is a 'najmutarafan' (Both parents are Syeds = better than single parent being a Syed or Syed ^2squared > S ^1) hence she must be God-send.

 

3) Has to be from the city one's parents grew up in, cause other cities..bad.

 

4) Same ethnicity, since you know [insert infinite stereotypes] regarding the other people. The Prophet (pbuh) brought tribes together.. ahh, never mind.

 

4) Has to be from the same NEIGHBOURHOOD, one's parents grew up, if, and only if, she is not the cousin. Cousin marriage is the best. Never mind genetic problems. .. Ok yes I know one-timer is fine, but the glorious culture has been breeding this way for generations. 

 

5) She is a crowd-pleaser. Who cares if she is religious or not, if she can rock that hijab at the time of a dua, and recite something (no Quran recitation please, only Wahhabis do that :dry:) offers other aunties chai, then she is the best daughter-in-law material ever. Period.

 

Who cares about the attributes the person who is actually doing the marriage wants. No way!

What the parents want, based on other people's perception, and in respect with this back ward culture, must only happen. Islamic or not, that is secondary, a culture from a country that I never saw, is on the downward spiral ever since I was born is what matters. Period.

 

Any resistance, and the heart-attack threats start.

 

And why these conditions?

 

Because marriage isn't a boy and girl getting married, but that day, their entire generations (past, present, future) gets married,. (Can't even comprehend this awesome logic)

 

So yeah, I must abide my these unrealistic barriers, if only my culture wasn't this backward, and unrealistic expectations that means absolutely nothing as far as Islam is concerned was placed upon my head, I would be content.

 

 

And yeah before you judge, I am no 'burger boy', I can speak, read, write Urdu, have all the famous poems and patriotic songs memorized at one point in time or anything,

 

It is good to follow your culture in say, a cultural event, it is good to show off your ancestry, your heritage, get involve in charities that do good to your people back home, and stuff of the sort, even wear your traditional clothes, good to represent, but to abide every single rule of it while living on the other side of the globe does not make sense.

 

</rant>

 

Haha, that was good.

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Dream Catcher:  (salam)

 

I can relate to your post above. My first fiancee' was Chinese. My family went crazy and her family went about berserk because I am white.

 

I also ran into, "your not a Pakistani", too. I was interested in her because she's hafiza.

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Oh boy, this will be a long one.

 

First of all, marriage isn't economically viable, especially in today's time when prices are rising faster than the number of jobs available in the market. Sure, jobs exist should I decide to drive an oil tanker in Northern Canada, but yeah... I'd rather not.

 

In other words, marriage is delayed cause careers are starting later, cause more education is required even in the most basic jobs and so on.

 

And the other major reasons in this pathetically backward cultural baggage from 'back home'. Oh the wonders of this Pakistani culture, apparently my country which I have only seen for 6 months at maximum, which is roughly cumulative for say four or five visits.. Out of these 6 months, I had to spend time either in home, or at someone else's home, eating some fine Pakistani cuisine which will make my stomach go crazy in the bathroom.

<…………. etc>

 

</rant>

 

Wow - so weird!!! and funny :D …. although I am not sure if this is an exaggeration to create a joke based on old customs :P or if it is a sad reality :(  

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Dream Catcher:  (salam)

 

I can relate to your post above. My first fiancee' was Chinese. My family went crazy and her family went about berserk because I am white.

 

I also ran into, "your not a Pakistani", too. I was interested in her because she's hafiza.

 

Yes, see it isn't that we are picky it is the parents that are. And sometimes parents make us picky. Take GreyMatter's post for example. You can see several qualities that his idea spouse has to be base on his parents criteria. Sometimes, parents forget what do the parents want.

 

There was a guy that was interested in me. My mom wanted to talk to him and know his whole family and who he was. I never talk to him nor did I see him in person. This was a match maker that my friend was doing. Anyways, he got scared and ran. I told her no one does that anymore. They talk on the phone and hang out with each other. She basically told me "Im not going to let any guy talk to you"

 

I couldn't help but think "well I guess I'll be single forever"

 

My point is that you can tell from situation that it is my mother being picky and not me. I haven't gotten a say which qualities I like or dislike.

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Biggest barrier to marriage:  Parents.  Parents.  Parents.

 

And their idealistic and misguided expectations.

 

 

You don't need much money to be married - if you are a self-sufficient adult before you marry, you will do fine.  

You don't need to marry someone from within your ethnicity or culture.  Marry someone who has compatible goals and values.  

You don't need a degree or job to get married - but you do need plans, goals, and you need to be willing to work toward them.

 

What you do need is to be flexible, compassionate, intelligent, and let go of all your expectations and just live as a good Muslim and enjoy life.

 

But you do need a family - and if you go against them - you may be completely on your own.  That is not something most (girls especially) are willing to risk. The cost is too high.

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I disagree with how the point number #2 is presented by the original poster.

 

Culture is a huge barrier in marriages and not just cultural baggage. Culture is the way of life for many of us. It describe and model your life and sets your expectations. 

 

If for e.g, an Iraqi man or woman likes to marry a spouse that speaks very fluent Arabic, love the great Iraqi food and is very familiar with Iraqi culture, traditions, history, literature and understand Iraqi humor/joke, then why shouldn't they marry within their own community. You cannot tell me that this is wrong or incorrect. 

Edited by Gypsy
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I disagree with how the point number #2 is presented by the original poster.
 
Culture is a huge barrier in marriages and not just cultural baggage. Culture is the way of life for many of us. It describe and model your life and sets your expectations. 
 
If for e.g, an Iraqi man or woman likes to marry a spouse that speaks very fluent Arabic, love the great Iraqi food and is very familiar with Iraqi culture, traditions, history, literature and understand Iraqi humor/joke, then why shouldn't they marry within their own community. You cannot tell me that this is wrong or incorrect. 

 

 

Including people by embracing our culture can be a very positive thing - but using culture as a reason to exclude others not of your race/ethnicity/culture (however it is expressed), is ultimately a very negative thing. 

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But you do need a family - and if you go against them - you may be completely on your own.  That is not something most (girls especially) are willing to risk. The cost is too high.

 

When there is otherwise a good family bond, girls tend to err on the side of the family and sacrifice love, but when the family is broken, problematic, oppressive, they tend to err on the side of the love and shun family.

 

No single course of action suits everyone. I know cases where subjects were better off dumping their families and living away from them forever.

 

The onus, as I always say, is on the 'family' (parents) to either make or break families. And it's a pretty Eastern cultural problem; no indigenous Westerner goes begging to their parents to 'let them marry' xyz person.

Edited by Marbles
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I highly disagree with the point notme made, you do need a job to marry. How will you survive without a job? Yes, you do need a degree to get into certain sectors, if not a degree then some sort of qualification will do. If you want to sit on benefits and live on that then you could but many young couples will do fruad to survive on that system...

Woman need to be financially stable inorder to leave their parents and go marry who they wish to marry. Moreover, this is because if her marriage doesnt work out she can survive,without going back to her parents and having to listen to their critism. The biggest issue is parents that think marriage will not go wrong if you marry from your own kind, its like if you marry someone else the chances of you failing is greater then a person of your own kind. It seems like they block that fact that their are so many divorces of their own kind,yet they focus only about the divorces of mixed couples. It's like they dont understand that marriage can either work or not work,regardless of who you marry. I think most cultures have a couple of things that are simialer,its really stuiped to reject someone because of their culture...

I agree that parents are the ones to be blamed,however, even if you attempte to educate them,they will not change. Even if you bring the biggest marjia, they will listen from one ear and out it goes from the other ear. Our generation is educated, even if they correct their parents you will not get far. The good thing about some parents is they forgive their child for going of with someone they didnt want and some parents just agree so they dont lose their child,parents should really think about their childrens happiness, your not marrying the person your daughter/son is. And this whole critising your child for a marrying someone out side the commuinty when their marriage doesnt work out should just stop. People need to understand that its not the end of the world if you dont work out.

You can go against your parents,but remmber that you may lose them forever, and for girls only do it if you are sure the guy is worth it and have a job and dont realy heavely on your parents or him....

Adios

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But you do need a family - and if you go against them - you may be completely on your own.  That is not something most (girls especially) are willing to risk. The cost is too high.

 

Maybe, but the cost to the muslim ummah of them not going against unreasonable parents is even higher. Isn't it obvious now for everyone to see ? I am not trying to say that the entire problem lies with the sisters, but this is definitely a major part of it. 

 

Also, you are not on your own. Allah(s.w.a) wali al lethina aminu....

 

(Allah is the guardian and protector of those who believe)

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Maybe, but the cost to the muslim ummah of them not going against unreasonable parents is even higher. Isn't it obvious now for everyone to see ? I am not trying to say that the entire problem lies with the sisters, but this is definitely a major part of it. 

 

Also, you are not on your own. Allah(s.w.a) wali al lethina aminu....

 

(Allah is the guardian and protector of those who believe)

Edited by Maryaam
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The ummah has to change through tried and true methods of change - education and enlightenment – not by the promotion of young sisters as martyrs for the eventual “greater good”.  We don’t use our sisters as fodder nor do we use them as therapy mats to cure societal dysfunction.

But why not?!?! It's like the perfect solution for every problem!

 

/sarcasm

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