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In the Name of God بسم الله
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baranbarii

Marrying Someone Who Has A Different Ethnicity

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Selam everyone,

 

I am deeply in love with an Afghan girl, I myself am from Turkish/Zazaki(iranian/kurdish) origin. We have a normal relationship for one year now, I am really certain this girl is the perfect one for me and we havent done anything but hold hands and talk and walk. I want to ask for her hand like it is normal in both our cultures, first we ask the girl hand and then we get engaged an evenually marry after a few years. Her father is very strict and saw us at the bus station one time and he wants her to marry her cousin, this is what old school people that are stuck in the time do, they dont let her have any saying in this. Her mother and grandmother and sister have fought for her decision to stick with me and after 6 months it seemed to help. Her father seemed to realise that if he keeps going on like this he wil tear his family apart. He finally accepted his daughters choice and we both were so happy, after university so after 2 years we could get engaged. But now her father changed his mind again and want her to engage her cousin, she threatened to run away from home and now her father is afraid so they dont talk to each other for now.

 

How should I approach this situation, we still see each other every day at school and we are truly in love, we want to do this the proper way through our culture and religion ( both muslim ) but her father stands in the way of her and her sisters and mothers happiness. he simply thinks his pride and honor outweigh everything else in this world and wants everything his way. Everyone of her family supports us and even her father truly knows I am really serious with his daughter.

 

I really appreciate your help in advance, thanks everyone!

 

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salaam,

looks like her father is hard-headed & difficult to speak with or even agree with. that's why u need to take it slow & peaceful cuz if u get impatient or aggressive on this matter everything cud backfire & her dad will have finally saying big NO. maybe if u cud find an alim or sheik in ur area & explain situation to him. Let him come meet ur parents & have them talk on the issue & find a plan. then together u all can go to her father & ask to speak with him then ask for her again. make sure ur parents & the alim tell him how much u guys love & respect each other.

I think it's best solution for now since the dad is so stubborn like that.

also why don't u finish college first b4 u get married???

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Salam,

Fathers usually are very protective of their daughters so you should be very careful before he starts to see you as a threat (taking his daughter away from him, "making" her run away, starting a fight between the family...). I dont think you want that.

Instead you must let her talk to him about how good you are to her and how kindly you treat her. Slowly make an appearance into their lives and if you do so gradually I cant see why he'd have reason to reject you. Well unless he is concerned about money or your iman (hopfully he has no reason to be concerned) that is another issue.

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(salam)

 

I read once that behavior patterns as you describe her father's is because they are trying to keep what money they have within the larger family.

 

So be prepared to talk money and be prepared to offer him a post-wedding gift.

 

 

 

Oh, by the way, I got my first wife cheap.

Edited by hasanhh

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salaam,

looks like her father is hard-headed & difficult to speak with or even agree with. that's why u need to take it slow & peaceful cuz if u get impatient or aggressive on this matter everything cud backfire & her dad will have finally saying big NO. maybe if u cud find an alim or sheik in ur area & explain situation to him. Let him come meet ur parents & have them talk on the issue & find a plan. then together u all can go to her father & ask to speak with him then ask for her again. make sure ur parents & the alim tell him how much u guys love & respect each other.

I think it's best solution for now since the dad is so stubborn like that.

also why don't u finish college first b4 u get married???

Thank you for your advice, yes that is what we plan on to marry after university ends we would like to engage and after we have jobs only then marry eachother.

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Salam,

Fathers usually are very protective of their daughters so you should be very careful before he starts to see you as a threat (taking his daughter away from him, "making" her run away, starting a fight between the family...). I dont think you want that.

Instead you must let her talk to him about how good you are to her and how kindly you treat her. Slowly make an appearance into their lives and if you do so gradually I cant see why he'd have reason to reject you. Well unless he is concerned about money or your iman (hopfully he has no reason to be concerned) that is another issue.

thanks, a funny thing is during the time that her father accepted me he told his daughter thath he noticed she hasent changed a bit: she is still the respectful, shy and honest girl that she is and he said this also states about what kind of a person I am. Her mother and sisters and grandmother all have positive thoughts about me because of what she told them, the thing is her father seems to be concerned about loss of his honor because he would have to tell his family back in Afhhanistan that his daughter married a Turkish man so we must have had a'relationship' and his family will gossip about this.This is why she wants her to marry her cousin also because this way he gets to chose who his daughter married, she already hooked his eldest daughter up with the son of his sister!

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Salam,

I think you should marry soon, so her father doesnt worry and doesnt change his mind again. You should prove to her dad you care about her,not just her telling her father or family your great person. If you know faries then you can probably understand pa[Edited Out]u or whatever afganis speak,lol. I dont think theirs a massive difference in culture.

The father is mostly worried about what people in afganistain will say, you know how some people think, "she probably brought shame to the family thats why they married her off' etc. If you do a big wedding and infront of all, this still will not stop people from talking, people talk for the sake of talking, her father should understand this.

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Salam,

I think you should marry soon, so her father doesnt worry and doesnt change his mind again. You should prove to her dad you care about her,not just her telling her father or family your great person. If you know faries then you can probably understand pa[Edited Out]u or whatever afganis speak,lol. I dont think theirs a massive difference in culture.

The father is mostly worried about what people in afganistain will say, you know how some people think, "she probably brought shame to the family thats why they married her off' etc. If you do a big wedding and infront of all, this still will not stop people from talking, people talk for the sake of talking, her father should understand this.

You are right, I need to prove that I am the man he would want his daughter to marry and shouldnt feel embaressed about telling his family! Right now though we are kinda stuck her father and she dont talk much.

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The father might be right to do that considering you're holding hands with his daughter.

^ right i didnt even think of this , but op, if the father knows u guys hang out intimate like that maybe that is his concern mostly & not with ur ethnicity

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^ right i didnt even think of this , but op, if the father knows u guys hang out intimate like that maybe that is his concern mostly & not with ur ethnicity

No I am 100% certain that it is not this, he simply wants to have everything his way and he wants his daughter to marry her cousin. He is afraid he will lose his pride and cannot look his family in the eyes anymore after they hear that his daughter 'picked' a man for her own. Our cultures are very similair and religion as well. She threatened a few times that if he will continue to force her, she will run away from home. At one point ehr father was okey with me and the fact that she wanted us to engage, then he suddenly changed his mind and I think this cousin influenced him. So what should I do according to you then?

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