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In the Name of God بسم الله

Marriage Issue: Need Help(Advice+Duas)

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It wasnt consumated but we had done everything physical other than vaginal intercourse at least 50-60 times.

According to the Shia Maulana I consulted he said that it doesnt matter if the marriage was consummated or not..the woman who has gotten into a temporary or permanent nikkah needs to serve the iddat. But well i didnt gift her the period back and she got married during our mutah so it in invalid in any case. Our mutah ended on 28th feb.

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This is what happens when people take their culture over their religion. 

"Strict" dad who wears his honour on his sleeve so much so that he can't stand "love marriage" because "people would talk". A man who so cares for his public image and cares so much for his (sayed) li

India and Pakistan (and perhaps some other countries with similar cultures) have an infinite stock of stories like this one. 

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Salam Brother, 

 

I think you should ask the maulana you are consulting whether you have a hukm sharia obligation to inform the husband of your ex regarding this issue. I really don't know if you do or not, given the circumstances. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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I dont get it, so why do people on this plateform say that a woman can leave whenever in a mu3a relationship? I thought the woman was encharge in such marriage.

Why would she have to do iddah either?

If we take into account what I said then shes technichelly not married to the op because she ended the relationship.

Seeking advice, may god be with you and inshallah you find a woman that loves you for real. Sometimes you need to test people you love in your hardest times, thats when you discover if their worth it or not, sadly alot are not worth it.

Such parents will have to answer god on the day of judgment.

Salams

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It wasnt consumated but we had done everything physical other than vaginal intercourse at least 50-60 times.

According to the Shia Maulana I consulted he said that it doesnt matter if the marriage was consummated or not..the woman who has gotten into a temporary or permanent nikkah needs to serve the iddat. But well i didnt gift her the period back and she got married during our mutah so it in invalid in any case. Our mutah ended on 28th feb.

 

Brother,

 

I am not sure who your marja is but I found this. I hope this helps. 

 

"A woman with whom the marriage has not been consummated has no waiting period."

 

Source: http://www.al-islam.org/muta-temporary-marriage-in-islamic-law-sachiko-murata/permanent-marriage#iv-waiting-period-idda

I dont get it, so why do people on this plateform say that a woman can leave whenever in a mu3a relationship? I thought the woman was encharge in such marriage.

Why would she have to do iddah either?

If we take into account what I said then shes technichelly not married to the op because she ended the relationship.

Seeking advice, may god be with you and inshallah you find a woman that loves you for real. Sometimes you need to test people you love in your hardest times, thats when you discover if their worth it or not, sadly alot are not worth it.

Such parents will have to answer god on the day of judgment.

Salams

 

A woman cannot end a Mutah relationship. She can demand it, yes. But the time period has to be "gifted back" to her by the man. Only then the Mutah marriage ends. 

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Asalam Alykum,

 

He said the marriage period expired on the given time (28 feb). Regarding the consummation, seekingadvice1, what was the limit that you set? Perhaps consummation may not necessarily mean intercourse if the limits are not intercourse. It can even be talking right? This is getting deep.... This is really good. Anyone emailed leader.ir with this or any other marja? seekingadvice1, would you kindly help us and ask the marja who allowed temporary marriage without parental consent to you; what would be classified as consummation in Mutah? Perhaps you can also ask say what if the limit is talking then would there be a waiting period?

 

Ma'Salam.

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Asalam Alykum,

He said the marriage period expired on the given time (28 feb). Regarding the consummation, seekingadvice1, what was the limit that you set? Perhaps consummation may not necessarily mean intercourse if the limits are not intercourse. It can even be talking right? This is getting deep.... This is really good. Anyone emailed leader.ir with this or any other marja? seekingadvice1, would you kindly help us and ask the marja who allowed temporary marriage without parental consent to you; what would be classified as consummation in Mutah? Perhaps you can also ask say what if the limit is talking then would there be a waiting period?

Ma'Salam.

My marja is Ayatullah Sayeed Al Hakim. His fatwa on the matter is available on his official website. According to him a virgin does not require fathers permission for mutah if the marriage is not consummated.

I emailed his office if all other kinds of physical pleasures other than vaginal intercourse is allowed i got a response that it is allowed.

The contract ended on 28th feb. I contacted her dad on 28th feb and he told me that she is already married and has now gone to canada..so her marriage happened while she was in mutah i.e before 28th Feb(if the father is telling the truth).

I dont know what i shud do in such a situation since im unaware if the dad is lying or telling the truth.

If he is telling the truth then am I accountable for her haram nikkah with the other guy? Since she is sinning without the knowldege of her parents, husband etc, do i have a duty to inform her dad? Cuz if she consummated her marriage with the other guy it falls under the catehory of zina and the other guy becomes haram for her for the rest of her life since she married him while being married to me.

I dont know what to do. The office of marja replies after two months so it is difficult to get an answer from there.

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Bismillah.

 

Dear brother,

 

Salaamun Alaykum wa Rahmatullah.

 

I read your story and I am so sorry for the situation you’re involved in. Something came to my mind which I want to share with you, as a brother and a marriage counselor;

 

Firstly you have to consider that you don’t know what will happen in future; whether you will marry her or not; so you have to have hope for being with her in future accompanying with possibility of not marrying her.

 

Secondly there are certain conditions for a successful marriage and love is only one of them; so you have to be care about other conditions like being in the same level of cultural position and etc.

 

Thirdly imagine that Allah doesn’t want you to marry her, because He knows something that neither you know, nor her; He says in the Qur’an:

 

عَسى‏ أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئاً وَ هُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَ عَسى‏ أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئاً وَ هُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَ اللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَ أَنْتُمْ لا تَعْلَمُون"

 

“It may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you and Allah knows, while you do not know” (2:216)

 

So you have two duties: the first one is to do pray for what you want and the second is that you have to keep this in your mind that you must be pleasant with whatever pleases Allah, whether you like it or not.

 

The last point which I’d like to mention is that imagine you marry her and after some years both of you reach to this conclusion that your marriage was not appropriate while if you get married with other girl, your relation will continue forever; which one do you prefer?

 

Please think about what I’ve wrote carefully and move on!

 

With Duas.

 

Narsis.

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Situations like this is why people need to stop playing with Mutah. Im not talking about you but she should have been aware of this or at least asked.

People need to stop treating Mutah like its boyfriend/girlfriend and need to take it as serious as its meant to be taken. It is a marriage, look up the rules, regulations and standards before you jump in and jump out.

Look at this ridiculous situation she placed everyone in now. Either her dad is lying or she's committing zina with a man who is innocent and there's a very likely chance she can get pregnant.

If I knew this girl I'd smack some sense into her brain. Whether or not there was a waiting period, if the dad is right, she married before ending her marriage. This isn't about you and her anymore, its bigger than that.

Do a kheiri if you're really confused but I think you should speak up. Even if she did already commit zina maybe there's a chance you can prevent her from getting pregnant.

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Salaam Brother

 

I have made this account in order to say this to you. So please take this advice, if worthy, seriously.

 

I know few people who were in similar situations. I urge you to tread carefully and not make any rash decisions. Many people will go into depression or get into bad habits. Or at times think of God negatively. Don't allow your passions and Satan to get to you. It's a slippery slope, I pray you don't slip.

What you are feeling is natural. The pain is difficult to bare; but it has been done before by many people. Increase in remembrance of God and read Qur'an more often.

 

Do not reveal anything to anybody, especially to her family, the nature of your relationship. Do not even threaten her that you will reveal unless she gets back with you. That is not expected from a believer. Instead, if you have a way to contact her, break your Mu'tah contract with her, by forgiving her the time. You don't need (I think) to say it in Arabic. Just tell her, I give back to you your time back. This is so, if she decides to marry soon, she will not be committing any sin.  This is only if your really love her. You want her best, and even if she doesn't listen to you or doesn't want to marry you, don't give up on her or misbehave with her. Once, you advise her this, leave her to God and remember her in your prayers for her guidance. If Heavens have decreed her for you, then rest assured no father will be able to marry her off to anyone but you.

 

She is not the universe. She is just somebody. Don't allow this false longing to make her the center of your universe. God is your center and should always be. I know it is difficult but you should know, we Humans will always truly be lonely. Even if you get her, you will not be truly happy and still feeling lonely. This feeling can only be gotten rid off if you lose yourself in God. Thus, try to remember God more. In addition, remember only your mistakes and forget hers. Improve your self  and leave her to God.

 

Here are some practical things you can do: 2) Every time you think about her and you feel sadness, don't allow this thought to go away. Rather, think about why your thinking about her, analyze your thoughts and you will see there is some flaw in it. The more you do this, the less her thoughts will bother you.

2) Spend more time with religious friends. Don't leave yourself to yourself.

3) Spend more time with family.

4) Don't go try to find a new girl to replace her. Until you have learned your mistakes, don't risk another relationship

and Finally, don't watch movies or TV or do things which will put you in a state of fantasy and wishful thinking. Face reality heads on.

Inshallah, I pray you will be fine.

 Just quoting in case you didn't read it.

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I have a little feeling as if you cherry-picked a Marja because of his stance on Mutah, wouldn't it been better if you consulted her father before hand?

Anyways, what is done is done, and thanks to this backward Pakistani culture of thinking Syeds or the 'najmutarafan' (Syeds on both sides = purer Syed) are some beings who are elevated in every order. Boy this is disgusting, and this father of the girl is much of a bigot as many people in my own extended family, wether in Canada or Pakistan.

 

This level of bigotry is actually quite common unfortunately.  

 

If I were you, I would leave her, I mean you are actually getting a good deal, you are getting away with this weak character. At least you are not facing divorce, or being separated from kids in the near future, who knows that might had been you, if you do not get something that you truly wished for, then know it wasn't meant to be yours, for you are being safeguarded from something troubling.

 

There was a movie I saw a while back called 'The Butterfly Effect', amazing movie which underlines this notion, it wasn't meant for you, you have to leave it at that.

 

Yes it is hard, yes we as humans are hard-wired to it, but look around us, there is so much poverty and misfortune, Allah has blessed you with lots, use that to your advantage. She does not want you, period, have an ego, don't run after people, have some pride, and if someone rejects you, don't run, c'mon, you are better than that.

 

As you said, you earn well, good for you, He is blessing you with such, make use of it rather than just throw your life away.

In return, thank Allah for saving you from potential misfortune, and that bigot of a father-in-law, can you imagine how crazy he would be after marriage?

 

She was a weak character, not meant for you, if she can shun you in a day or two, only God knows what she can do to others, simple, her love for you clearly wasn't as much that you had imagine, welcome to reality, think your trials are hard, well look around, no wait, look around again, we all have tough, tough tests. Allah tests every iota of ours, this test is yours, and you must ace it.

 

There is a saying, a human is like a tea bag, and only shows his/her true colours when in hot water, therefore, show it that even when you are in hot water, you aced the test. if you make a mistake, you are forgiven, but in doing so, you must be purified and should learn from past mistakes, only then you come back stronger.

 

The girl has her own free-will, it's all her with what she wants to do, leave her to it. That is it.

I listened to this lecture by Br. Husnain Rajabali: 'Why Doesn't God Answer My Prayers', worth a listen in your circumstance.

 

It is truly sorry to read this, however here is what you can do:

 

1) We are humans, you can't just switch her off from your head; therefore, pick up a hobby, be interesting - again.

2) Don't be a rebound and get into a newer relation, please don't, only do so when you are ready.

3) Get a pet cat, or birds, a plant, whatever, care for them, it is amazing how quickly you get in awe for these cute animals, especially when they are babies.

 Now these two are important, 

4) Do good in life, work your socks off, maximize your potential, when you do well in life, you can really show yourself how incredible you are - without her.

5) Hit the gym, yes, you must have a lot of anger in you, lift weights, it is a great way to let that inner steam off you, especially dat bench press, oh. my. God. that is a steam cooker. Once you get into weights, you will not only be healthy, but would regain your confidence back, enjoy doing silly poses in front of a mirror, heh, and will look good. 

 

Do whatever my friend, I hope you come out of this better than ever, it will be hard, but more the struggle, the more rewarding it is. 

 

I will keep you in my prayers, May God bless us all in the right direction.

Edited by GreyMatter
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Bismillah.

Dear brother,

Salaamun Alaykum wa Rahmatullah.

I read your story and I am so sorry for the situation you’re involved in. Something came to my mind which I want to share with you, as a brother and a marriage counselor;

Firstly you have to consider that you don’t know what will happen in future; whether you will marry her or not; so you have to have hope for being with her in future accompanying with possibility of not marrying her.

Secondly there are certain conditions for a successful marriage and love is only one of them; so you have to be care about other conditions like being in the same level of cultural position and etc.

Thirdly imagine that Allah doesn’t want you to marry her, because He knows something that neither you know, nor her; He says in the Qur’an:

عَسى‏ أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئاً وَ هُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَ عَسى‏ أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئاً وَ هُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَ اللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَ أَنْتُمْ لا تَعْلَمُون"

“It may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you and Allah knows, while you do not know” (2:216)

So you have two duties: the first one is to do pray for what you want and the second is that you have to keep this in your mind that you must be pleasant with whatever pleases Allah, whether you like it or not.

The last point which I’d like to mention is that imagine you marry her and after some years both of you reach to this conclusion that your marriage was not appropriate while if you get married with other girl, your relation will continue forever; which one do you prefer?

Please think about what I’ve wrote carefully and move on!

With Duas.

Narsis.

JazakAllah for your wise advice. I am just praying and have left the rest to God. If He wills it will happen InshaAllah. He knows whats best for us. And only He knows what is going to happen in the future. I will InshaAllah accept Gods decision whatever it is. I tried everything i possibly can if it is meant to be InshaAllah it will happen. God knows best. Remember me in your prayers.

Situations like this is why people need to stop playing with Mutah. Im not talking about you but she should have been aware of this or at least asked.

People need to stop treating Mutah like its boyfriend/girlfriend and need to take it as serious as its meant to be taken. It is a marriage, look up the rules, regulations and standards before you jump in and jump out.

Look at this ridiculous situation she placed everyone in now. Either her dad is lying or she's committing zina with a man who is innocent and there's a very likely chance she can get pregnant.

If I knew this girl I'd smack some sense into her brain. Whether or not there was a waiting period, if the dad is right, she married before ending her marriage. This isn't about you and her anymore, its bigger than that.

Do a kheiri if you're really confused but I think you should speak up. Even if she did already commit zina maybe there's a chance you can prevent her from getting pregnant.

It turns out that her dad was lying. She has gone to Canada though with her sister. And the family will join them in the summers to get her into a nikkah over there only. So she is safe i guess.

I have a little feeling as if you cherry-picked a Marja because of his stance on Mutah, wouldn't it been better if you consulted her father before hand?

Anyways, what is done is done, and thanks to this backward Pakistani culture of thinking Syeds or the 'najmutarafan' (Syeds on both sides = purer Syed) are some beings who are elevated in every order. Boy this is disgusting, and this father of the girl is much of a bigot as many people in my own extended family, wether in Canada or Pakistan.

This level of bigotry is actually quite common unfortunately.

If I were you, I would leave her, I mean you are actually getting a good deal, you are getting away with this weak character. At least you are not facing divorce, or being separated from kids in the near future, who knows that might had been you, if you do not get something that you truly wished for, then know it wasn't meant to be yours, for you are being safeguarded from something troubling.

There was a movie I saw a while back called 'The Butterfly Effect', amazing movie which underlines this notion, it wasn't meant for you, you have to leave it at that.

Yes it is hard, yes we as humans are hard-wired to it, but look around us, there is so much poverty and misfortune, Allah has blessed you with lots, use that to your advantage. She does not want you, period, have an ego, don't run after people, have some pride, and if someone rejects you, don't run, c'mon, you are better than that.

As you said, you earn well, good for you, He is blessing you with such, make use of it rather than just throw your life away.

In return, thank Allah for saving you from potential misfortune, and that bigot of a father-in-law, can you imagine how crazy he would be after marriage?

She was a weak character, not meant for you, if she can shun you in a day or two, only God knows what she can do to others, simple, her love for you clearly wasn't as much that you had imagine, welcome to reality, think your trials are hard, well look around, no wait, look around again, we all have tough, tough tests. Allah tests every iota of ours, this test is yours, and you must ace it.

There is a saying, a human is like a tea bag, and only shows his/her true colours when in hot water, therefore, show it that even when you are in hot water, you aced the test. if you make a mistake, you are forgiven, but in doing so, you must be purified and should learn from past mistakes, only then you come back stronger.

The girl has her own free-will, it's all her with what she wants to do, leave her to it. That is it.

I listened to this lecture by Br. Husnain Rajabali: 'Why Doesn't God Answer My Prayers', worth a listen in your circumstance.

It is truly sorry to read this, however here is what you can do:

1) We are humans, you can't just switch her off from your head; therefore, pick up a hobby, be interesting - again.

2) Don't be a rebound and get into a newer relation, please don't, only do so when you are ready.

3) Get a pet cat, or birds, a plant, whatever, care for them, it is amazing how quickly you get in awe for these cute animals, especially when they are babies.

Now these two are important,

4) Do good in life, work your socks off, maximize your potential, when you do well in life, you can really show yourself how incredible you are - without her.

5) Hit the gym, yes, you must have a lot of anger in you, lift weights, it is a great way to let that inner steam off you, especially dat bench press, oh. my. God. that is a steam cooker. Once you get into weights, you will not only be healthy, but would regain your confidence back, enjoy doing silly poses in front of a mirror, heh, and will look good.

Do whatever my friend, I hope you come out of this better than ever, it will be hard, but more the struggle, the more rewarding it is.

I will keep you in my prayers, May God bless us all in the right direction.

JazakAllah for your prayers. Always remember me in ur prayers. I will take your advice and try my best. Its been 1.5 months but things are still difficult. I hope I pass this test of God InshaAllah. And this grief ends. Its difficult but InshaAllah Allah will give me strength.

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Alhamdilla I'm glad the new marriage was a lie.

Just move on brother. From a girls perspective; emotions will get you nowhere in life. And from a religious perspective; just because you want something, doesn't mean it's good for you.

Best of luck inshallah.

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She has to do the idda whether penetration occurred or not.

 

Also you have been talking about the vaginal intercourse. How about non-vaginal intercourse? Would that require idda or not, in case this is still an issue?

 

Sorry a sideways question but people ask their marajae' questions without giving them complete details of the issue.

Edited by Waiting for HIM
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JazakAllah for your wise advice. I am just praying and have left the rest to God. If He wills it will happen InshaAllah. He knows whats best for us. And only He knows what is going to happen in the future. I will InshaAllah accept Gods decision whatever it is. I tried everything i possibly can if it is meant to be InshaAllah it will happen. God knows best. Remember me in your prayers.

It turns out that her dad was lying. She has gone to Canada though with her sister. And the family will join them in the summers to get her into a nikkah over there only. So she is safe i guess.

 

 

Lying about something like marriage is a horrible thing to do.  It means a lot in Islam.  The father should be ashamed of himself.

 

It may be best to move on at this point.  You would likely be happier elsewhere, involved in a more reasonable situation, with more reasonable people.

 

Best of luck.

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She has to do the idda whether penetration occurred or not.

Also you have been talking about the vaginal intercourse. How about non-vaginal intercourse? Would that require idda or not, in case this is still an issue?

Sorry a sideways question but people ask their marajae' questions without giving them complete details of the issue.

There was no penetration involved of any kind. But yes all other kinds of sexual activities were there. According to the Maulana i consulted he was of the opinion that the girl has to observe four months of iddat whether or not the marriage was consummated.

She has to do the idda whether penetration occurred or not.

Also you have been talking about the vaginal intercourse. How about non-vaginal intercourse? Would that require idda or not, in case this is still an issue?

Sorry a sideways question but people ask their marajae' questions without giving them complete details of the issue.

There was no penetration involved of any kind. But yes all other kinds of sexual activities were there. According to the Maulana i consulted he was of the opinion that the girl has to observe four months of iddat whether or not the marriage was consummated.

Lying about something like marriage is a horrible thing to do. It means a lot in Islam. The father should be ashamed of himself.

It may be best to move on at this point. You would likely be happier elsewhere, involved in a more reasonable situation, with more reasonable people.

Best of luck.

True that. Its just the betrayal that still hurts alot. Her being content with going with another guy is what hurts most. Remember me in ur prayers.

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Well it doesnt matter how much the iddah is...cuz she is not doing the iddah...i saw her picture yesterday on facebook with a cousin..she is in canada now..she looked quite happy and content in the picture..nd it just hurt so much...i have been going through unbearable pain while she gets to be happy..she screwed my life and she gets to be happy while i suffer.I literally cried like a baby when i saw her picture.

I just want to stop having feelings for her. I dont know how to stop loving her. I am not getting peace of heart or mind cuz after every 6-7 days i find sumthin about her that just hurts like alot. I cant describe in words. I dont know what i will go thru after i will see her wedding picture after a few months.

I have been praying alot..but i just feel too lonely..my life revolved around her for 7 years and her betrayal just kills me from the inside. Its like our temporary marriage was a joke for her..she never turned bak to even ask how i was dealing with it or how i was doing. I dont know what to do. Its been more than one and a half months and things arent improving.

I have been praying praying and praying..its an important time for my career since i just started my job a couple of months back. I feel so depressed...i want to get out of this phase..i want to but i dont know how i will while i continue being in love with her. I dont have a switch to turn it off. I wanted to marry her...there was nothing wrong with me...nd her dad dint even meet me. I want justice to be served. I can take revenge on my own but i know God wont b pleased with it so I am being patient. I want God to do justice..i want her dad to suffer and her to suffer for what they put me and my family thru. I dont think i will ever be able to move on from this unless i see justice served.

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

Harsh words for the person you claimed to love, now you want her to suffer. Umm does that mean to throw acid on her face? What type of justice do you want to see from this? From now on when you start thinking of her say this, saboohoun qudus rab al mala2ikiti wa roo7.

Do not cause harm to her or her father, because one day you will have a daughter of your own. Let it be a lesson for you not to be emotionally attached until permenant marriage. You will find a loyal woman, give it time Insh'Allah.

Now you need to occupy your time. Go work out at a gym, attend congressional prayer, help out and volunteer anywhere you think your time is worth it. Make your intention with Allah of looking for a wife who will be a mother to raise your children on the love of Mohamed wa ahla baita Mohamed. Allah swt will not disappoint you, but obviously you found out the hard way that human beings do.

Ask around for potential brides, once you actively start looking she will be a distant memory.

Your going to be fine. Stop looking at her page at fb, all you are doing is torturing yourself. Fb is useless, don't waste your time on it. Find something more productive.

Put a smile on your face on purpose, then it will penetrate inside to make you feel good and no longer feel you are suffering. You are better off without her, in due time you will see more clearly.

Allah swt will help you in this trial. Make your intention of seeking good, and you will find good. Now give salawat, rub your hand on your heart with salawat, don't forget to add wa 3jal faraja and turn this chapter of your past behind you.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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walaikum assalam

I would never have wanted that if she didnt betray me..if she was sincere with me..nd wasnt just using me all this time for time pass knowing how severe my feelings for her were..we were in a marriage for one year..i took care of her like my wife cuz she was my wife. I would have never wished for her to suffer if she was sincere and dint treat me the way she did. And i havent done anything to take revenge from her or her father even though i have the evidence and power to..but i wud never do such a thing cuz my Allah wont like it. But yes I do expect justice from God cuz I have left my matters to Him. By justice i mean the realization that what she did and her father did was wrong and being content with causing suffering to another muslim is worthy of punishment. I would never do what they did not even to an enemy.

JazakAllah for the kind words and prayers. I will definitely try what u said and i know only a halal permament relationship can fill this gap. Just remember me in your prayers.

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I never understand people that want revenge when others harm them. Honestly brother worse things have been done to me, you have to forgive and let go. She's already living a false life, that's punishment in and of itself.

 

As for forgetting, this is why full love and trust should only be placed in Allah (swt). Your happiness shouldn't be based on a person.

 

In the future choose a woman that loves Allah (swt), because as long as she loves him she will honor you. 

 

And move on. Past the memories and past this hatred. 

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OP as long as her father is not a Salafi, you are safe and she is safe. 

 

Her father is just a typical stubborn person who wants to control the life of her daughter and that is it. 

 

Tell the girl to be strong. Go talk to her father yourself. Tell him about yourself. Make it a meeting in a Shia masjid. Take the Shia molana with you to talk to him. Take the Shia molana in confidence beforehand though. Seek repentance for breaching the trust of her dad. Apologize and be his damad.

 

One thing in all this which goes against you big time, and that is, you contracted Mutah without her father's permission and on top of it, did all that you could do except for vaginal intercourse. So in other words you did not respect the girl's body in this case and got yourself and her sexually satisfied in a doubtful mutah. If she had hormones going, you could had controlled the situation by vowing to never touch eachother and make it a gift for both of you once you become perm. By doing this, you both never left the door open for an exit in case a scenario like this happens (that is her family doesn't agree). You have done a great dis-service to her because she is a woman, easily coercable, weak in her decisions, and since you have already emotionally used her, she will always have this special bond missing if she every chooses to marry someone else other than you. 

 

I know many couples who do mutah but never come in any form of sexual contact till they are married in permanent. Even some non-Muslim friends of mine here in a gf-bf relationship have done this, that is, keep each other virgin till marriage. 

 

Tell you the truth, had it been my daughter, I would have taken you to FATA (or Karachi) and taken care of you, just because in my mind you abused her naivety and her female weakness by doing sexual things together. On the other hand I would have allowed a non-sexual Mutah till permanent so we check you out what kind of person you are. But that just me, I know many pakis would prefer a haram engagement over a non sexual 'finding out' mutah solution. 

 

I think you're being far too harsh on him. If his Marja allows it, he has done nothing wrong. That's like saying all those people who have arranged marriage just want to manipulate their wives for sex because, let's face it, most of them don't even know their wives properly before the marriage. It's all sex, then. If his Marja allowed Muta'h with the limit he has mentioned, and the guy has followed his rulings to the fullest and abstained from having sex with her because it's impermissible, then he hasn't done anything wrong. Plus, the way he is depressed right now shows he wasn't just using her for sex, or else he would have moved on ages ago.

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As for the brother, I sympathise with you. Insha'Allah, you move on in life and find a wonderful wife, who is both dedicated to you and to God. I'd just like to say that you shouldn't also be too harsh on the sister. For one, even if she was playing with you, God loves those who forgive so forgive her and he will love you more than any human could ever love you. You hate her and wish her ill and, who knows, He may become angry with you for wishing ill to another and you'd have gone through this whole ordeal with nothing to gain, neither have you married the girl and nor have you gained God's Approval. Just forgive her and move on. Secondly, you can't be certain that she really was playing you. Because I come from the same culture and am a third party, I can see her actions much more objectively. Maybe she just couldn't disobey her parents (though, in this case, that was probably the wrong thing to do) but since she did agree to go ahead with their wish, she obviously would cut off communication with you and the "smiles of Facebook" and the happiness could be fake. People do it all the time. You don't know what is in heart so don't blame her and don't let that taint your own heart with the poison that is hate and vengeance.

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I never understand people that want revenge when others harm them. Honestly brother worse things have been done to me, you have to forgive and let go. She's already living a false life, that's punishment in and of itself.

As for forgetting, this is why full love and trust should only be placed in Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì. Your happiness shouldn't be based on a person.

In the future choose a woman that loves Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì, because as long as she loves him she will honor you.

And move on. Past the memories and past this hatred.

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JazakAllah for your support and understanding. I married her temporarily with the intention of marrying her permanently. I took a fatwa from my marja and he allowed it. I didnt engage in sexual intercourse although once the girl insisted on it while we were u know.. but I said no to her cuz the whole point of doing mutah was to avoid sin and i dint want to invalidate my marriage with her.

Maybe for her the whole temporary marriage thing was a joke and she dint understand the sanctity of it. I can only guess but God knows best. JazakAllah and remember me in your prayers.

 

Exactly! And, that's what I was trying to explain to the brother.

 

 

I just cant forgive her..i pray that some day I am able to but i just cant..she not only hurt me but she caused pain to my parents my whole family..she duzn even think she did anything wrong..she emailed me once begging me not to tell anything to her parents and said in the mail "how much more r u going to hurt me"..she was playing the victim..she duzn even think that what she did to me was wrong..dint even apologize for anything and instead said stuff which hurt me further. Sorry but its too much for me to forgive her. Yes i wont act on my own or do anything to hurt her. But at present it is difficult for me to forgive her from my heart. Maybe someday i will but not now. I have left matters to God He knows who the opressor is so He will do justice. But from my side i cant forgive her dad or her for the suffering and humiliation they caused to me and my family. But yes i wont act on my own or do anything to hurt her or her family.

 

 

Maybe not today but try to. After all, the only time we can forgive when a person has wronged us. What's the point of forgiving if they were right, anyways? So, I know it must be hard but that's the whole point of it, that's why God loves it: the sacrifice.

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Salam,

You should block and delete her of your face book, you looking at her picture will only bring memerise back. Dont be upset,you dont have to forgive her now but you can try to forget her. Inshallah Allah helps you, this girl is not worth it,dont cry for her and dont obesse about what shes doing. Make yourself busy, join a gym or something,so you can block her out of your mind.

I know its easier said then done but just try your best.

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I just cant forgive her..i pray that some day I am able to but i just cant..she not only hurt me but she caused pain to my parents my whole family..she duzn even think she did anything wrong..she emailed me once begging me not to tell anything to her parents and said in the mail "how much more r u going to hurt me"..she was playing the victim..she duzn even think that what she did to me was wrong..dint even apologize for anything and instead said stuff which hurt me further. Sorry but its too much for me to forgive her. Yes i wont act on my own or do anything to hurt her. But at present it is difficult for me to forgive her from my heart. Maybe someday i will but not now. I have left matters to God He knows who the opressor is so He will do justice. But from my side i cant forgive her dad or her for the suffering and humiliation they caused to me and my family. But yes i wont act on my own or do anything to hurt her or her family.

OP: read this and cheer yourself up. You are not alone. : http://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/235019193-are-women-oppressive-with-their-husbands/

:) :) :)

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Sorry to hear what you are going through. Just wanted to point out that perhaps you are assuming the girl is happy and content and that she has forgotten you already. But what if she is putting on a brave face and being coerced through all of this?

Yes she could have stood up; but think about it; when you have such a stubborn amd ignorant father who would rather keep up some image as a control freak than give his daughter her islamic right to choose; then she possibly had alot more to lose than just yourself..

You cant assume she had a choice in the matter... she probably wasnt even asked.. So im not sure on what basis you think she has betrayed you; for all you know she could be in equal turmoil and pain from losing you and then on top of that being forced to marry someone else.... Have you ever imagned what that would be like..?

Feelings of betrayel and revenge can do funny things to people; look how far you ( an educated person) were willing to go and then imagine what such a pigheaded father would be willing to do.. and realise that alot more may have been at stake here than merely your or her feelings.

She knows her parents better..so realise she may well have made a wise move to resign to thier choice.. Inorder to protect you both.

Just thank God you are not going through what she is.. You have supportive parents and a choice to whom you will marry... She probably never had that to begin with and that it was a huge mistake of you both to assume or hope that she ever would...so dont judge her by the same family values or expectations as yours.. Because you guys are from totally different backgrounds... Culturally.

Edited by Asr
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Most powerful duas are ones that come from your heart when you're praying namaaz. Read The Quran and regular duas as prophet Muhammad pbuh taught us and have patience.

If the girl can't do anything without father's approval...she cannot live in a happy relationship with you while her dad opposes you. He already knows about you and already opposes you. It's a no win situation. I feel bad for you that the girl so quickly went along to get hooked up with another guy.

Muta is not the proper way. It leads to insecurity and headache and bad results for a happy society. You chose a path that was bad and you are now seeing the results. You should ask Allah to help you have patience at such a hard time in your life. -Best wishes.

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