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In the Name of God بسم الله

Marriage Issue: Need Help(Advice+Duas)

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Salaam Brother

 

I have made this account in order to say this to you. So please take this advice, if worthy, seriously.

 

I know few people who were in similar situations. I urge you to tread carefully and not make any rash decisions. Many people will go into depression or get into bad habits. Or at times think of God negatively. Don't allow your passions and Satan to get to you. It's a slippery slope, I pray you don't slip.

What you are feeling is natural. The pain is difficult to bare; but it has been done before by many people. Increase in remembrance of God and read Qur'an more often.

 

Do not reveal anything to anybody, especially to her family, the nature of your relationship. Do not even threaten her that you will reveal unless she gets back with you. That is not expected from a believer. Instead, if you have a way to contact her, break your Mu'tah contract with her, by forgiving her the time. You don't need (I think) to say it in Arabic. Just tell her, I give back to you your time back. This is so, if she decides to marry soon, she will not be committing any sin.  This is only if your really love her. You want her best, and even if she doesn't listen to you or doesn't want to marry you, don't give up on her or misbehave with her. Once, you advise her this, leave her to God and remember her in your prayers for her guidance. If Heavens have decreed her for you, then rest assured no father will be able to marry her off to anyone but you.

 

She is not the universe. She is just somebody. Don't allow this false longing to make her the center of your universe. God is your center and should always be. I know it is difficult but you should know, we Humans will always truly be lonely. Even if you get her, you will not be truly happy and still feeling lonely. This feeling can only be gotten rid off if you lose yourself in God. Thus, try to remember God more. In addition, remember only your mistakes and forget hers. Improve your self  and leave her to God.

 

Here are some practical things you can do: 2) Every time you think about her and you feel sadness, don't allow this thought to go away. Rather, think about why your thinking about her, analyze your thoughts and you will see there is some flaw in it. The more you do this, the less her thoughts will bother you.

2) Spend more time with religious friends. Don't leave yourself to yourself.

3) Spend more time with family.

4) Don't go try to find a new girl to replace her. Until you have learned your mistakes, don't risk another relationship

and Finally, don't watch movies or TV or do things which will put you in a state of fantasy and wishful thinking. Face reality heads on.

Inshallah, I pray you will be fine.

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This is what happens when people take their culture over their religion. 

"Strict" dad who wears his honour on his sleeve so much so that he can't stand "love marriage" because "people would talk". A man who so cares for his public image and cares so much for his (sayed) li

India and Pakistan (and perhaps some other countries with similar cultures) have an infinite stock of stories like this one. 

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Uh wow. This is incredibly tragic but it is what it is. I would suspect that the father has probably emotionally blackmailed the girl into breaking things off with you... you know 'I'll kill myself if you don't marry the man I want you to marry' type of thing. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens way too often in Pakistani/Indian communities. The girl has made her decision, even if it is under duress. The best thing for you (OP) is to try to move on. I know it will be extremely difficult, but that's the way things are. Don't even think about ever bringing up the whole mutah thing to anyone ever again. Because it has the very real potential to destroy her life and that of her parents. It won't bring you the girl. She has made her choice and you need to learn to live with it.  Imam Ali (as) has stated: "Mei ne apnay iraadon ki shikast se apnay rabb ko pehchana." Distract your thoughts about her by spending more time with your family and friends who obviously love and have been so thoroughly supportive of you.

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Don't even think about ever bringing up the whole mutah thing to anyone ever again. Because it has the very real potential to destroy her life and that of her parents. It won't bring you the girl.

 

Indeed. This must be emphasised again and again.

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Asalam Alykum,

 

You know what seekingadvice1.. same thing happened to me when I was about 18 or 20 buddy. After that I did some very bad things. This is going to stay with you forever. Took me 7-8 years getting over it. If you want to talk more let me know. The pain never goes away and the regret is always there. Some blame me thinking I backed out but what can you do when they get the girl married on the dot and send her away. What do you do... How can you find one person specially when you are poor and have elderly parents. This happened in the UK by the way with me anyways. I am sorry for your pain. Don't ever do anything stupid ok? You'll send a life time regretting it. I gave up a lavish career, my education everything in the wake of this as I was so mentally hurt. I was a known speaker in my community and I had many communities who invited me to recite. After this, I was so devastated that I left everything. I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate. Life went on though and now I am married but my wives know about my past very clearly including what I did and what I didn't. Sometimes you need someone to talk to. I am really really sorry brother. I can completely understand your pain. The father of the girl in the UK got his daughter married because he found out I was a Syed and he was to say that he would not even eat from the same plate as a Syed. :(

 

By the way, I am glad your family supported you. I didn't have anyone to support. I wanted to change things but my parents are too afraid of everything. I was stuck in a situation. I chose to not do a lot more because I have to appreciate that my father remained with me when my mother left me as a baby. I had to make a series of decisions. But the result for me in return will be hellfire and I know nothing can save me from it thought I have hope.

 

To those who say it wasn't right. Yeah we know some mistakes were made. But when you are a emotional passionate person and being a human, mistakes happen. Its done. He is hurt. Its not his fault. They made a decision. And yeah paperwork that quick is possible. Trust me, you have no idea how much a real cost of visa is for other countries. If the guy is rich, lawyers can do wonders with words.

 

LLB (Bachelor of Legal Letters) - Been there, done that, burned that stupid degree and left the corruption behind. To hell with the money when it couldn't help me save my soul.

 

Ma'Salam.

Edited by tearsofregret
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Walaikum Assalam,

I am sorry to hear what happened with you. Did you fall in love with your wife? What makes me most worrisome is the fact that she was everything for me and i genuinely loved her.. despite 10 years of loyalty, love, care and affection she dint stand up for me. It makes me feel betrayed and cheated. There was nothing wrong with me nothing at all..it was just her dads stubborness and she said she has decided to agree with her dads decision. Her dad did not even meet me. Its so painful that i cant describe in words. I just feel that i cant ever trust another woman..my self esteem has gone down under the gutter..its the start of my career and im so mentally disturbed that i cant even work properly.

I have lost purpose in life..whatever i did was to give her a gud life spend my life with her.

I am so lonely. I dont want to sin again i need emotional support..i can get married and save mysef from sins but i feel ill not be fair to her since i still have feelings for her..will i ever be able to love again? I need someone to get attached to. I love my parents but its not in my nature to get emotionally attached with them. I have no friends either since we were together for 10 years we never needed anyone but each other.

Brother i dont know if it would be appropriate to ask but what steps did u exactly take which make u think that ull enter hell. Dont think like that ask for forgiveness. God forgives all kinds of sins. But i wud like to know (if you dont mind sharing) what steps did u take which u regret so much so i could avoid taking those steps.

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OP as long as her father is not a Salafi, you are safe and she is safe. 

 

Her father is just a typical stubborn person who wants to control the life of her daughter and that is it. 

 

Tell the girl to be strong. Go talk to her father yourself. Tell him about yourself. Make it a meeting in a Shia masjid. Take the Shia molana with you to talk to him. Take the Shia molana in confidence beforehand though. Seek repentance for breaching the trust of her dad. Apologize and be his damad.

 

One thing in all this which goes against you big time, and that is, you contracted Mutah without her father's permission and on top of it, did all that you could do except for vaginal intercourse. So in other words you did not respect the girl's body in this case and got yourself and her sexually satisfied in a doubtful mutah. If she had hormones going, you could had controlled the situation by vowing to never touch eachother and make it a gift for both of you once you become perm. By doing this, you both never left the door open for an exit in case a scenario like this happens (that is her family doesn't agree). You have done a great dis-service to her because she is a woman, easily coercable, weak in her decisions, and since you have already emotionally used her, she will always have this special bond missing if she every chooses to marry someone else other than you. 

 

I know many couples who do mutah but never come in any form of sexual contact till they are married in permanent. Even some non-Muslim friends of mine here in a gf-bf relationship have done this, that is, keep each other virgin till marriage. 

 

Tell you the truth, had it been my daughter, I would have taken you to FATA (or Karachi) and taken care of you, just because in my mind you abused her naivety and her female weakness by doing sexual things together. On the other hand I would have allowed a non-sexual Mutah till permanent so we check you out what kind of person you are. But that just me, I know many pakis would prefer a haram engagement over a non sexual 'finding out' mutah solution. 

 

 

This tells you how indecisive and immature she has been. Which leads to my allegation (implied) on you manipulating her for sexual favors. She obliged to you easily, now she is obliging to her father (which she should in an ideal case) but I guess now its too late.

 

Seriously? You think she is weak? If you would do that then that is you as a father brother, Alhamdulillah, no intelligent man would do that because we are human beings. He wanted to marry her permanently and they both agreed to the decision. You are sitting there accusing him of taking advantage of her? She agreed as well and just because you think women are weak doesn't mean they are buddy. They have been presidents, prime minister and Queens (UK specially). You need to calm down with your assumptions on this man who is also stuck in this situation. He is trying to marry her for heaven sake. If she was so weak she could have said no anyways. You think girls can't make decisions for themselves? Good on you mate but remember, we believe in the religion of Ahl Ul Bayt and it was a lady who spoke against Yazid in the courts. Just because your test is different than his doesn't mean you accuse him. Allah is the judge buddy and I am glad you are not.

 

By the way, being female isn't weakness in Islam ok? And just because you know Karachi or Fata doesn't mean you can do whatever and come out of there alive. Stop being like the girl's dad buddy. Try to think like a Muslim and listen to some lectures of Ammar Nakhswani on how to be a father and marriage issues. I am surprise OP didn't reacted to you like me, he must indeed have a soft heart. Respect to OP for keeping himself cool.

 

Ma'Salam.

Walaikum Assalam,

I am sorry to hear what happened with you. Did you fall in love with your wife? What makes me most worrisome is the fact that she was everything for me and i genuinely loved her.. despite 10 years of loyalty, love, care and affection she dint stand up for me. It makes me feel betrayed and cheated. There was nothing wrong with me nothing at all..it was just her dads stubborness and she said she has decided to agree with her dads decision. Her dad did not even meet me. Its so painful that i cant describe in words. I just feel that i cant ever trust another woman..my self esteem has gone down under the gutter..its the start of my career and im so mentally disturbed that i cant even work properly.

I have lost purpose in life..whatever i did was to give her a gud life spend my life with her.

I am so lonely. I dont want to sin again i need emotional support..i can get married and save mysef from sins but i feel ill not be fair to her since i still have feelings for her..will i ever be able to love again? I need someone to get attached to. I love my parents but its not in my nature to get emotionally attached with them. I have no friends either since we were together for 10 years we never needed anyone but each other.

Brother i dont know if it would be appropriate to ask but what steps did u exactly take which make u think that ull enter hell. Dont think like that ask for forgiveness. God forgives all kinds of sins. But i wud like to know (if you dont mind sharing) what steps did u take which u regret so much so i could avoid taking those steps.

Asalam Alykum,

 

After this happened to me, I slept with her dad's niece who was already married (once), I became so sexually charged I started watching porn, tracking down what the family was doing. Her dad had two wives, I got hook up with one of his wife and I use to speak to her daily for hours (though I didn't do anything with her), I left a well paid career and got into security jobs which I still do though I am trying to salvage a career. I started becoming extremely paranoid and depressed. I did a lot of scams and made up my own gang which I used to take revenge on local thugs. It got to a point where every girl in the local area knew my name and I went on a fornicating spree though I wanted to marry each one, the girls were actually with me for the name.

 

I kept reading about religion but when I use to commit sin, I knew I was doing wrong, I wanted to stop but I didn't. I allowed myself. It came to a point where once I was well known as a Islamic man, I became known as a criminal. I also kidnapped couple of times etc. You know what. In the end, because of that stupid father of that girl, I will go to hell. Now I have got two wives, they both love me and hate each other and one looks after my parents while the other is busy building a career. I now spend my life educating people for free different disciplines, such as health, nutrition, therapies etc and help people find jobs and stuff. I also spend my time research Islam and a way to get Allah to tell me he has forgiven me which I don't see happening soon.

 

Kya tha mein

aur kya ban gya

kis tarah shytan ne mughse kehla

insan bana tha mein

kutah mughse behtar ban gya... 

 

Ma'Salam.

Edited by tearsofregret
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Uh wow. This is incredibly tragic but it is what it is. I would suspect that the father has probably emotionally blackmailed the girl into breaking things off with you... you know 'I'll kill myself if you don't marry the man I want you to marry' type of thing. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens way too often in Pakistani/Indian communities. The girl has made her decision, even if it is under duress. The best thing for you (OP) is to try to move on. I know it will be extremely difficult, but that's the way things are. Don't even think about ever bringing up the whole mutah thing to anyone ever again. Because it has the very real potential to destroy her life and that of her parents. It won't bring you the girl. She has made her choice and you need to learn to live with it. Imam Ali (as) has stated: "Mei ne apnay iraadon ki shikast se apnay rabb ko pehchana." Distract your thoughts about her by spending more time with your family and friends who obviously love and have been so thoroughly supportive of you.

I would never do anything of that sort. If she didnt get into a nikkah with another guy i might have..but now its no use..i dont want to take revenge. But i do ask God for justice because what they did to me both father and daughter was not justified. It was zulm cuz there was no prob with me, v liked each other, she swore on God that she wont marry anyone else and in 2 days she was ready to get married to someone else. I do pray she realizes what she did wrong which she clearly duzn nd i want her stubborn nd maghroor dad to realize too. Why duz she get to marry sum1 nd move on so soon nd i get to suffer. I ask God for justice and I hope God lets me know when He does justice. The girl and father betrayed the new guy too hu has no clue about her past with me. How can they get to destroy ppls lives, betray every1 nd get away with it. I am copy pasting her dads response. He accused me of being a bad son and a non believer just cuz i wanted to marry her daughter nd loved her.And on top of that he used Imam Jafar Sadiq (A.S) qaul to justify his viewpoint..the viewpoint he has of me without even meeting me:

Mola Imam Jaffer e sadiq(as) ka irshad hy:

Jo dil ziker e khuda se khali ho jata hy, Allah os ko ghair e khuda ke mohabbet ka mza chukha deta hy, (Allel e shraie, shaikh Sadoqe (ra))

Jin man bap ne tumhari ye taleem o tarbiat ke, wo sub tum ne Bekar ker de, haqiqat ke dunia ko chore kr surab ke pechey bhag rhey ho, wo tu nikah ho ke chali bh gaye, tum apney waldain ko sirf aur sirf dukh he de rho, agr koi on se pochye ke tumhara beta Kia ker rha hy tu?,

Wo ye kahen ge ke musley pe betha hy ??jo apney man bap ko khush nai rakh skta, wo kisi ko bh khush nai rakh sakta,kia faida es ____ ke taleem ka, ke tum apney hosh me bh nahi ho, aik Bemari ke tarah ho gaye ho

On ke kitni ummedain hoge tum se??

On ke liey bais e Iftikhar bno na ke bais e azar

Bray meherbani hum sb se door rho, aur ainda kbhi koi msg kerney ke zarorat nai hy

The message is in urdu. If someone could translate please do so. He is so adamant on thinking that he was right..how can he be so sure abt himself after doing this kind of injustice. I want God to break his gharoor.

Edited by seekingadvice1
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Salam, Br.

 

They say here in the states 'Living well is the best revenge'

 

Just as she can move on and meet someone else, so can you. 

 

Make Dua to Allah(s.w.a) to compensate you for your suffering by giving you someone better than her.

Allah(s.w.a) hears the dua' of the mathlomeen. (oppressed). 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Asalam Alykum,

 

Yep, after so many years that is what I understood as well that moving on is the best. Got to love Abu Hadi's suggestions, always fundamentally correct.

 

The pain won't go away. The memory and regrets will always be there. You better not be in hell with me OP, I am not comfortable with populated areas :). Keep your eeman safe and well. You still have time and what you did was out of your situation. Don't leave a disaster in your anger's wake. Don't be like me otherwise you'll be nothing in the day of judgement except tears of regret.

 

Ma'Salam.

Edited by tearsofregret
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Oh wow.

 

I don't even know why you would fall into a depression over her. If anything she harmed herself more than she harmed you. If I were you I'd be breathing a sigh of relief.  In any case its too late to do anything about it. So just let it go. 

 

Btw if she was technically still married to you can she even marry anyone else? Wouldn't that mean that her marriage is negated and batel? Which could also mean she's living in zena and will probably have kids in zena? Or am I wrong here?

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Just as a side note, remember at the end of the day we are all creations of Allah. If you fell in love with her, it must be cause of her good traits, her beauty and all other attributes she possesses. Now imagine the magnificence of the one who created her? That is why we human beings are always told, first put Allah (s.w.t) and then everyone else. The only eternal love should be for Allah. This love should be more than that which you have for your parents, for your future wife, and even for your future kids. If you can start loving Allah (s.w.t), then you will never ever ever experience heart break.

Take this relationship you had with this girl as a lesson, a lesson that has made you stronger. A lesson that has exposed your weaknesses, and now you need to work on these weaknesses. From what you have mentioned, it seems you were so in love with her that you made her your world. That in the first place is wrong. That type of love belongs to none other than Allah. Every human being, be it a child, a parent, a wife will/is capable to cause you pain and betray you except for one type of love; that with Allah (s.w.t). Even if we are arrogant disbelievers, Allah will still provide us with blessings. That is how much the Lord loves us.

Moreover, you should know that despite the mistakes you may have made, this might be the best thing that has ever happend for you. Take example from tearofregrets. Look at him now, whenever he speaks in this forum, he gives the best of advices, is the most symphathetic. I can tell you he now is a better person than what he was before even when he was a speaker. And know that he had been in the same place as you, made mistakes but he has come out on top.

Allah has chosen you to go through this test, because he knows how STRONG you are, how SPECIAL you are. DIG DEEP. You will find a tremendous amount of strength inside of you. Also remember, the toughest of the tests are for Allah's best servants :)

Remember, Allah knows every single thing you are going through. This is a test for you. Are you going to question Allah? Or are you going to accept what he has decreed, acknowledge it was the best for you, use this as a lesson to become more pious and get closer to Allah?

Imagine if you would have got married to her, and things wouldnt work out afterwards. You already saw how easily she is intimidated by her parents. What if after marriage, she would be the mother if your children, and some stranger at work or anywhere else intimidates her into bad deeds? Since she is of weak character, fooling her would br extremely easy. How do you think she would raise your children?? Look around you, look at the evil in the world. The children nowadays need to be extremely smart and strong to resist the temptation.

I know it might sound hard to believe, but trust me dear brother, go pray 2 rakaah shukr namaaz. Leave it on God. This world is a transient short place. Look at your grandparents. There was a time when they were young like you. Where are they today? Probably very old, or might even be dead. There will be a time when you will also be six feet down.

Tearsofregret, thank Allah for guiding you. I am sorry to tell you akhI, but you are committing a big sin. One of the biggest sins is despairing Allah (s.w.t)'s mercy and forgiveness. Yes, that is how merciful and forgiving our Lord is, that if you feel he cant forgive you, you are committing a sin.

My last advice to you seekingadvice, isjust keep strong and have faith. :) take care.

Edited by Muditz786
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Oh wow.

 

I don't even know why you would fall into a depression over her. If anything she harmed herself more than she harmed you. If I were you I'd be breathing a sigh of relief.  In any case its too late to do anything about it. So just let it go. 

 

Btw if she was technically still married to you can she even marry anyone else? Wouldn't that mean that her marriage is negated and batel? Which could also mean she's living in zena and will probably have kids in zena? Or am I wrong here?

Asalam Alykum,

 

Brother do you really know how difficult life can be for some people? Some people end up with a lot of mess in their life that isn't because of their own doing and then they meet this perfect partner who they fall deeply in love and they trust. May Allah never put you through this sort of a test because many has strayed. It is though and life is hard. Sometimes brother you meet someone and the world slows down. Everything becomes beautiful. Life because a bliss. You change yourself as much as you can to please that person and start to grow religiously as well. Sometimes it may not be the best approach but its a moving bus on a bumpy road. Then all of a sudden, storm comes. Everything turns upside down. Brother the pain of losing a perfect woman to another man who you cannot complete with and girl's life is at stake is beyond explanation. Sometimes you blame yourself, sometimes her, sometimes circumstances etc. It is painful when you close your eyes you see her. You think of all the problems in your life and she was there to advise you and guide you...... She becomes irreplaceable. Had the girl died its different but you lose her because of such a stupid reason that her father cannot justify. I still can't get over it. All it did was added to the mess.

 

I agree completely with Muditz786.

 

Ma'Salam.

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I would never do anything of that sort. If she didnt get into a nikkah with another guy i might have..but now its no use..i dont want to take revenge. But i do ask God for justice because what they did to me both father and daughter was not justified. It was zulm cuz there was no prob with me, v liked each other, she swore on God that she wont marry anyone else and in 2 days she was ready to get married to someone else. I do pray she realizes what she did wrong which she clearly duzn nd i want her stubborn nd maghroor dad to realize too. Why duz she get to marry sum1 nd move on so soon nd i get to suffer. I ask God for justice and I hope God lets me know when He does justice. The girl and father betrayed the new guy too hu has no clue about her past with me. How can they get to destroy ppls lives, betray every1 nd get away with it. I am copy pasting her dads response. He accused me of being a bad son and a non believer just cuz i wanted to marry her daughter nd loved her.And on top of that he used Imam Jafar Sadiq (A.S) qaul to justify his viewpoint..the viewpoint he has of me without even meeting me:

Mola Imam Jaffer e sadiq(as) ka irshad hy:

Jo dil ziker e khuda se khali ho jata hy, Allah os ko ghair e khuda ke mohabbet ka mza chukha deta hy, (Allel e shraie, shaikh Sadoqe (ra))

Jin man bap ne tumhari ye taleem o tarbiat ke, wo sub tum ne Bekar ker de, haqiqat ke dunia ko chore kr surab ke pechey bhag rhey ho, wo tu nikah ho ke chali bh gaye, tum apney waldain ko sirf aur sirf dukh he de rho, agr koi on se pochye ke tumhara beta Kia ker rha hy tu?,

Wo ye kahen ge ke musley pe betha hy ??jo apney man bap ko khush nai rakh skta, wo kisi ko bh khush nai rakh sakta,kia faida es ____ ke taleem ka, ke tum apney hosh me bh nahi ho, aik Bemari ke tarah ho gaye ho

On ke kitni ummedain hoge tum se??

On ke liey bais e Iftikhar bno na ke bais e azar

Bray meherbani hum sb se door rho, aur ainda kbhi koi msg kerney ke zarorat nai hy

The message is in urdu. If someone could translate please do so. He is so adamant on thinking that he was right..how can he be so sure abt himself after doing this kind of injustice. I want God to break his gharoor.

 

Trust me when I say that I completely appreciate what you're going through right now. However, if there's one thing you'll learn sooner or later, if you haven't already learned it yet, that people in this world are selfish and that their behavior towards you can be change at a moment's notice. We don't know what happened between the girl and her father. It's quite possible that everything he's telling you is based on lies. Since we can be quite sure that he is lying about her having left for Canada. I've read the Urdu message from him, it's very typical of a desi father.

 

The lesson you should draw from all of this is never to invest more in a relationship, whatever kind of relationship it may be, than what you get back from it. The moment you do, you're setting up yourself for an imminent disaster. Surround yourself with people who've been supportive of you throughout this ordeal and whose loyalty has never wavered. Above all, don't forget that in the grand scheme of the only person in the whole world you can rely on is you. There are no guarantees that even if she had married you that she would've lived to see tomorrow or the day after. The only thing you can ever rely on is the fragility of life and of relationships. And that is exactly what happened.

 

The Indian subcontinent by way of the pervasiveness of the "unattainable love" in its culture puts unrealistic expectations and assumptions about life and relationships in our minds. Go get yourself a plant, put it in your room and care for it for a few weeks and I will bet you that you will love it before long. Or a fish. Or a cat. You get the idea. This stage will pass. And another lucky lady occupy your heart and mind and you her's.

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I have been mentally disturbed I cry all day all night. I am so attached to her that I just cant move on. We have literally been living together for 7 years. Being together in school plus university and then talking all night. Everyone says that it is now impossible for anything to happen. But I have been praying a lot. I have been reciting several duas, have been asking God for forgiveness, staying away from all kinds of sins. I believe that nothing is impossible for God. Duas change destiny. 

 

Please also give some advice about powerful duas which have proven results. Also a dua which could change her fathers heart or decision. This is a very difficult time for me and I am extremely disturbed emotionally. I know this difficulty is a result of the sins I have committed. I am repenting sincerely and hope that God forgives me.

 

I strongly believe in the power of dua. But everyone around me tells me to stop hoping and to start to move on. I cant keep on praying plus move on at the same time. What should I do?

 

Please advice. Please pray that the father agrees. It would be a miracle but nothing is impossible for God. Also recommend some duas.

 

You still want to marry this girl?

 

If I were you, I'll forget her and move on. Even though she has been with you for seven years and claims to love you, yet she somehow doesn't feel that she needs to stand up to protect you or cherish what you both have?

 

It's in the moment of difficulty that people's true color shows up.

 

I think the biggest mistake that both of you made is falling in love and planning a future together without the consent of her father. Even though Islam values parents input in matrimonial aspect, but it doesn't allow them to be ego-maniacal dictator as your girl's father. Your girl has to stand up to her dad but if she's unwilling then you can't do much.

 

My understanding is that you still live in a community where getting married without parental consent is out of question. The best is not to pursue a one-sided relationship like this one.

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Btw if she was technically still married to you can she even marry anyone else? Wouldn't that mean that her marriage is negated and batel? Which could also mean she's living in zena and will probably have kids in zena? Or am I wrong here?

Yes thats what bothers me. She prolli is in an illegitimate nikkah which makes me believe that her father is lying. Cuz if she was about to forcefully get married she wud have somehow tried to contact me to ask me to forgive the remaining period. So there is certainly some doubt about whether her dad is lying or telling the truth. But i dont expect anything from the girl. She seems like a totally different person than i thought she was. The way she reacted and cut off all ties makes me question her intentions. I dont even know if she fears God or has just given up on God after this incident and fallen into sin nd dint care or believe in our mutah to be something significant. Since she was not that close to God.She did hijab but that was out of habit..she dint pray regularly..so its difficult to say how she reacted to the whole situation.

You still want to marry this girl?

If I were you, I'll forget her and move on. Even though she has been with you for seven years and claims to love you, yet she somehow doesn't feel that she needs to stand up to protect you or cherish what you both have?

It's in the moment of difficulty that people's true color shows up.

I think the biggest mistake that both of you made is falling in love and planning a future together without the consent of her father. Even though Islam values parents input in matrimonial aspect, but it doesn't allow them to be ego-maniacal dictator as your girl's father. Your girl has to stand up to her dad but if she's unwilling then you can't do much.

My understanding is that you still live in a community where getting married without parental consent is out of question. The best is not to pursue a one-sided relationship like this one.

To tell you honestly yes i still want to marry her. I feel angry, betrayed etc but i just cant switch off the feelings. I truly loved her and had every intention of marrying her. She had some good traits and bad traits and i accepted her for hu she was.

But yes if she actually got married to someone else now there is nothing more i can do. I wud pray for justice and i cant forgive her for what she did to me. She cheated on me, even betrayed the guy hu she got married to who duzn have any clue abt her past. I have the power to take revenge nd end her marriage but i wont. My heart duzn agree with it. She dint even bother calling once to ask how i was doing or to say gudbye. Thats not how u treat sum1 hu u claim to love. She was prolli brain washed by her family too hu wud have talked bad about me nd told her how her dad chose whats best for her.

But what she did to me what her father did is not acceptable..the pain i went thru, the pain my parents went thru while seeing me in this pain i want God to do justice. I dont want her to live a happy life. I want her punished nd atleast get the realization that what she did to me was wrong.

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Its easier said than done..just remember me in ur prayers. When anothr muslim prays for u the angel says ameen and ameen to the wishes of the person praying too.

It wud have been easier if i only had to deal with her not being there. But i have to deal with her betrayal and insincerity..there are so many questions i wanted to ask her..there are so many confusions in my mind..she dint even give me closure. That was the least she cud have done.

I know it wud help if i find someone else but my self esteem has gone down the gutter..i have lost trust in women..i feel like a loner,a loser hu cudnt get a girl after loving her for 7 years..i know i need someone..i need that emotional attachment in life cuz i have no frnds. But how wud i get it. I dont want to get into a haram relationship again..a boy and girls relationship is not allowed and maybe thats the reason i was punished by God. And i always had trust issues nd now i wont be able to trust a girl hu i dont know (like in an arranged marriage). So i really dont know how to get out of this shell.

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Asalam Alykum,

 

Brother seekingadvice1 I need to clarify some things to you.

 

Firstly, do not judge her religion. It is between Allah and her. Just because she didn't pray and you did means that your prayer will be accepted or you are more God fearing than her.

 

Secondly, she hasn't lied to that guy. Do you know if the guy said he wants a girl who has never spoken to a man before and is untouched. If you cannot say yes to the previous statement you cannot keep bring up her past. She did Mutah with you based on a fatwa that allowed her so do not throw dirt on her character. As far as your guys were concerned it was well and good.

 

Thirdly, she is a girl. Her father said no and you are confused. Either you should have ran away the moment you found out or you kept it too long. Perhaps you don't realise but that girl made a decision out of the fact that had you guys ran away, the father could ruin, your family's life brother so think twice before you make assumptions.

 

Fourthly, she could say the same thing that you that didn't get Scholars and Alims involved and she was forced to show you resistance and it was you that gave up. If that is true that she had also lost faith in the man whom perhaps she loved deeply for 7 years and blindly trusted into a Mutah.

 

Seriously brother, have you thought that maybe she was forced into it and was completely under watch? Think many times before you throw dirt at her because she trusted you with the fatwa and she followed you loyally. By the way, had she ended the Mutah contract with you, there is a waiting period that she would have to adhere to. You are saying you don't know if she is gone. So you haven't made all the efforts to find out such as spend some money and get the matter investigated privately or inform the visa people etc.

 

When my problem happened, I had no status in the UK. I was no body and my case was with home office and I had no money. The path I took was to get my revenge and I was more strategic about it. You said you are earning well Alhamdulillah and you are backed with family.

 

My previous wife was forced to do the nikah and call me from there to say its over and same time went out of the country. I didn't have the means nor was I as educated as you are and I had no backing so when I was able to, I started my revenge what was very stupid indeed.

 

Don't be selfish about pain brother, you don't know but perhaps she is doing this to save the respect of your family because you do realise when men come to take revenge, they even put shytan to shame and her father happens to also be a man and a stubborn man indeed.

 

And stop saying when her new husband will find out etc. Find out what? How? She doesn't have to disclose anything. Its up to her. Its her spouse not a psychologist. You had the fatwa then why are you saying this is a past for her? She is a woman and a human being. Didn't the Prophet (S.A.W.W.) marry women who were in wedlock before? Maybe the guy in Canada is open minded and doesn't care as long as she stays true to him. What could she have done? If she took the bullet for you then what? What if she made a huge sacrifice for you? What if they told her that if she doesn't comply your whole family was in danger or they were going to make an example through your parents? There are always THREE views to a situation. Your view, other person's view and the truth.

 

Ma'Salam.

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Walaikum Assalam

I am not throwing dirt on her character. I have not revealed her name she is anonymous. The point I am trying to make is that i am confused as to what really happened. Cuz she had no contact with anyone. Nd bro if she had shown interest im running away with me i wud have definitely arranged something. But she was pretty normal about everything the next day she tokd to me after saying no..she said she was happy with her fathers decision..nd as far as the mutah is concerned i believe it is important for the new guy to know that she had this past. Hiding this fact is not something a guy wud appreciate. If i ever intend to marry another woman i will tell her abt my past. More importantly she entered into an illegitimate nikkah with another guy cuz she was in mutah with me at that time. And no matter how much u r under the watch u always figure a way to squeez out nd give a msg..there is no way tht she was being watched while sleeping..thats not practical if she wanted to contact me there is always a way.

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Its easier said than done..just remember me in ur prayers. When anothr muslim prays for u the angel says ameen and ameen to the wishes of the person praying too.

It wud have been easier if i only had to deal with her not being there. But i have to deal with her betrayal and insincerity..there are so many questions i wanted to ask her..there are so many confusions in my mind..she dint even give me closure. That was the least she cud have done.

I know it wud help if i find someone else but my self esteem has gone down the gutter..i have lost trust in women..i feel like a loner,a loser hu cudnt get a girl after loving her for 7 years..i know i need someone..i need that emotional attachment in life cuz i have no frnds. But how wud i get it. I dont want to get into a haram relationship again..a boy and girls relationship is not allowed and maybe thats the reason i was punished by God. And i always had trust issues nd now i wont be able to trust a girl hu i dont know (like in an arranged marriage). So i really dont know how to get out of this shell.

Your problem is that you loved a human over :Allah. Dont do that again, even when you have kids :Inshallah. Youre wife and kids and mom and dad and siblings are not yours. They are :Allah's. Go get a hobby for now, it for sure helps and so does exercise! And work on your leadership skills, maybe help out with the local youth group and your masjid or volunteer elsewhere where you can practice being a leader. Trust in :Allah only bro, :He is the only one who will always listen, always love you even if you do something so horrible that your mother would turn away from you in shame as long you repent. And remember what :Allah has promised:

"... If Allah knows anything good in your hearts, He will give to you better than that which has been taken away from you and will forgive you, and Allah is Forgiving, Merciful."

8:70

 

From the story of Umm Salamah (ra):

Once while Umm Salamah was nursing him (her husband), he said to her: "I heard the Messenger of God saying. Whenever a calamity afflicts anyone he should say, 'Surely from Allah we are and to Him we shall certainly return.' And he would pray, 'O Lord, give me in return something good from it which only You Exalted and Mighty, can give."

 

She ended up marrying the :Prophet (saw) after her husband died and she said this when he passed away^

 

Link to her story:

http://sunnahonline.com/library/history-of-islam/356-umm-salamah

 

And watch this video, its only 3-4 min long

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I wonder if this post will make it through.

 

As Salaamu Alaikum everyone, and hello, its been awhile.

 

I actually am in a very similar situation.  Figures, you know for the longest time i had been a skeptic of Islam and of the general populous that promoted Islam around me.

 

Then in my first chance at truly getting involved in an Islamic community, this is what I find.

 

I hear people consistently mention that we should seek out a sheik or Imam to asist.  However, in my scenario, the girls father is a sheik lol, go figure.

 

We will have to sit down and really figure out how we will work these things out.  I wish I would have understood how these cultural norms operated BEFORE I happened to innocently stick my nose in things.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It is difficult because, its like a clash of the cultures.  Here in the US, I could walk up to any girl and initiate a conversation and become friends with a girl.  And in such, its normal in the west for people to build relationships with people they like, at their own will.  By the nature of how we live, thats just how it happens.

 

Whereas in this Pakistani culture, I guess that just doesnt happen. So people try to maintain their cultural ways, move into a new culture (western), and next thing you know, I meet someone I like and end up finding myself stuck between a rock and hardplace.

 

In one hand, I could just walk away, I could have long ago.  However, not only would I be walking away from my best friend and girl I care deeply for, but it would be like ignoring or turning a blind eye toward racism and turning a blind eye toward, arguably a situation in which womens rights are at steak.

 

With that said, I think that any girl in these types of situation should fight.  Fight for the person you care for, fight for...an end to prejiduce beliefs and racist segregation.  Fight for your right to control your life.  I think even at the sake of family image, there should be a fight. 

 

A family image should be good based on good actions, not on hiding its bad actions. Reasons like this make me despise the idea of having all these secrets.

 

For the guys here, could you imagine telling any woman "You will marry this man, you will live with him, wake up to him every morning, have children with him etc etc". Its kind of rediculous to think that any man should have such power over any female, even if the girl is his daughter (given that she is of a mature age).

 

Anyway, It is all quite rediculous.  Some of my friends think i am a bit foolish for getting involved with Islam and Islamic communities.  And in return I return to them with stories like this.  It doesnt help their views of Islam, regardless of if it is a cultural issue or not.  It is a shame.

 

Hopefully men and women in these situations will learn lessons for the future, and hopefully will give their own sons and daughters more freedom.

 

My question is, how can such practices persist for more than one or two generations?  If baffles me.

 

And sorry for your misfortune seeking advice.  I feel your pain.

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Aslam e Elukum brother,

 

I suggest you move on. You have nothing else to do. The girl has abandoned you. 

 

You should practice a dua which I used as well. It is a dua by IMAM SAJJAD(AS). The incident related to this dua, I have mentioned below:

 

Taawus-e-Yemeni once entered Hijr-e-Ismail after midnight and saw Imam Zainul Abideen (as) in prostration (Sajdah). He felt as though Imam Zainul Abideen (as) was repeating something. As he came closer, Taawus heard the Imam Zainul Abideen (as) saying: ILAAHI UBAYDUKA BI-FINAA-IK, MISKEENUKA BI-FINAA-IK, FAQEERUKA BI-FINAA-IK "O my Lord! Your most humble servant is at Your doorstep. A beggar is at Your doorstep. A needy is at Your doorstep."

 

Taawus says that after this incident, whenever I encountered any hardships and sicknesses, I would go into Sajdah and recite these words of Imam Zainul Abideen (as) and I would experience relief.

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I contacted a local maulana and he advised against it. We didnt want to put an Alim in a situation where we are outside the girls house and the dad refuses to let him in. Which is what exactly happened when my father went to meet him. The prob is that the girl gave up, he would have simply told the alim that our daughter is ready to get married to someone else which she was. She just said that i have accepted my fathers decision. How could i break and into her house. Considering the situation no alim wud hav supported us either since she got engaged after the next two days nd agreed with her father's choice which made our case weak in front of the alim. Only if she had not lost hope and atleast told her dad that she wont get engaged or married to someone else, taking the alim wud have helped. I have no option now but to accept this as fate. Since nothing can be done anymore. I prayed so much nd yet God didnt give her to me. Maybe He was saving me from something really disastrous..He is all knowing all powerful..i just pray that God duz show me in this life that y this happened to me. And im sure He wud show it by giving me someone better InshaAllah..i just pray for my peace of mind and that somehow God takes her out of my mind and heart..nd that this stops hurting..10 years of memories are difficult to overwrite but I am hopeful. Someone asked Imam Ali(A.S) that how should one know if a difficulty is a punishment from God or a trial. Imam Ali(A.S) said that if the difficulty takes you away from God it is a punishment and if it brings you near to God it is a trial. Alhamdulilah I have gotten closer to Allah. So I am hopeful InshaAllah Allah would help me succeed in this trial and reward me someone better InshaAllah.

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I wonder if this post will make it through.

As Salaamu Alaikum everyone, and hello, its been awhile.

I actually am in a very similar situation. Figures, you know for the longest time i had been a skeptic of Islam and of the general populous that promoted Islam around me.

Then in my first chance at truly getting involved in an Islamic community, this is what I find.

I hear people consistently mention that we should seek out a sheik or Imam to asist. However, in my scenario, the girls father is a sheik lol, go figure.

We will have to sit down and really figure out how we will work these things out. I wish I would have understood how these cultural norms operated BEFORE I happened to innocently stick my nose in things.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is difficult because, its like a clash of the cultures. Here in the US, I could walk up to any girl and initiate a conversation and become friends with a girl. And in such, its normal in the west for people to build relationships with people they like, at their own will. By the nature of how we live, thats just how it happens.

Whereas in this Pakistani culture, I guess that just doesnt happen. So people try to maintain their cultural ways, move into a new culture (western), and next thing you know, I meet someone I like and end up finding myself stuck between a rock and hardplace.

In one hand, I could just walk away, I could have long ago. However, not only would I be walking away from my best friend and girl I care deeply for, but it would be like ignoring or turning a blind eye toward racism and turning a blind eye toward, arguably a situation in which womens rights are at steak.

With that said, I think that any girl in these types of situation should fight. Fight for the person you care for, fight for...an end to prejiduce beliefs and racist segregation. Fight for your right to control your life. I think even at the sake of family image, there should be a fight.

A family image should be good based on good actions, not on hiding its bad actions. Reasons like this make me despise the idea of having all these secrets.

For the guys here, could you imagine telling any woman "You will marry this man, you will live with him, wake up to him every morning, have children with him etc etc". Its kind of rediculous to think that any man should have such power over any female, even if the girl is his daughter (given that she is of a mature age).

Anyway, It is all quite rediculous. Some of my friends think i am a bit foolish for getting involved with Islam and Islamic communities. And in return I return to them with stories like this. It doesnt help their views of Islam, regardless of if it is a cultural issue or not. It is a shame.

Hopefully men and women in these situations will learn lessons for the future, and hopefully will give their own sons and daughters more freedom.

My question is, how can such practices persist for more than one or two generations? If baffles me.

And sorry for your misfortune seeking advice. I feel your pain.

Walaikum Assalam,

When i was pursuing her everyone around me told me that i was playing with fire and that it wont happen. But i dint listen to anyone. I persisted and told myself that there is no way that if a guy and a girl love each other the father can refuse no matter how strict he is. I had examples of my mother and father. My mother was a sunni and my father is a shia. But despite the difficulties that came their way they made it thru. I always thought that there were no such problems in our relationship..we both were shias educated syeds etc..there was no logical reason for him to deny our proposal. But look what happened.

Bro i wud ask you only one thing is the girl strong enough to stand up against her father? In my situation the only prob was that the girl was extremely weak. If in ur situation if the girl is strong nd u can guarantee 100% that she wud do anything and everything to marry you no matter what then its worth a try. But if u think that the girl is weak there is a high probability that she wont do anything about it no matter how much she loves u. Make a wise decision. If you go till the very end and it duzn happen then it hurts realy bad and the pain is unbearable. If u cut it off now it wud still hurt but not as much. Just always keep in mind that there is always a possibility that it mite not happen. I never even considered that possibility and thats y this hurts like hell..moreover i dont if u have physical relationship with her or not but if u get physical with a girl then there is this strong connection which u feel..if God forbid things dont go in ur favour it wud hurt like hell if u had physical relationship with her too..guys are usually possessive i was too..i cudnt stand her being friends with anothr guy let alone touch her..its only been a month and she is already married to someone else and the thoughts that come in my mind just hurt so much u have no clue. I get nightmares. I cant sleep even after taking sleeping pills every night. Its just too painful to describe in words. U are always thinking what wud she be doing with her husband right now and that is so much torture that u cant bear it.

Make other friends, dont make her your entire universe..u leave no way out in such a situation. I hope u make it thru InshaAllah. Remember me in your prayers.

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Salam

Its very sad and painfull reading what you are going through, things shouldnt be this way its not fair or just, but this is life and it has always been like this, just imagine till this day Imam Mehdi (altf) havent reappeard to avenge the brutal and tyrannical killing of imam Hussein (as).

You will and can go through what you have been through but it needs patience, prayers and some time, make your relatinship with Allah stronger because at the end of the day thats all that matters. The good thing is like you are saying your intension was pure and wanted to marry her and did everything you possible could to get her, but it didnt work but thats not your fault and you are not the one who messed it up so you do not have to live with guilt rest of your life, so say alhamdullilah to that.

Remember every loss is nothing but a reminder that nothing in this life is permanent, if its good it wont last and if its bad it wont either.

Always read ziyaret ashura it will give you peace within insallah

Keep us in your prayers as well

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Salam

Its very sad and painfull reading what you are going through, things shouldnt be this way its not fair or just, but this is life and it has always been like this, just imagine till this day Imam Mehdi (altf) havent reappeard to avenge the brutal and tyrannical killing of imam Hussein (as).

You will and can go through what you have been through but it needs patience, prayers and some time, make your relatinship with Allah stronger because at the end of the day thats all that matters. The good thing is like you are saying your intension was pure and wanted to marry her and did everything you possible could to get her, but it didnt work but thats not your fault and you are not the one who messed it up so you do not have to live with guilt rest of your life, so say alhamdullilah to that.

Remember every loss is nothing but a reminder that nothing in this life is permanent, if its good it wont last and if its bad it wont either.

Always read ziyaret ashura it will give you peace within insallah

Keep us in your prayers as well

JazakAllah for the kind words.

Yes have been reading ziarat e ashura everday. I hope Allah gives me peace of heart and mind soon InshaAllah and a great wife InshaAllah in place of her so that i never regret what i lost. All the people who have given me advice on this thread i really am thankful to all of them. You people have been of a lot of help and support. And your reassurances have really helped me in this tuf time since i have very few friends. I will always pray for you brothers and sisters, may God shower His blessings on you all InshaAllah.

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Asalam Alykum,

 

You have made the wisest decision. Good luck. Listen to lectures of Ammar Nakhswani, Hassanian Rajabali etc. Keep your faith strong. Life is short. Make sure you don't do stupid stuff like I did otherwise life will become a very tedious and long journey. She did give up but that is how it is. You have to live with that. InshAllah, you'll find someone who will help you heal. I know I have.

 

InshAllah, I hope our community move from the era of ignorance and strive to become true Muslims rather than cultural Muslims.

 

Thank you for sharing and I hope you stick around the forum.

 

Ma'Salam.

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Walaikum Assalam,

When i was pursuing her everyone around me told me that i was playing with fire and that it wont happen. But i dint listen to anyone. I persisted and told myself that there is no way that if a guy and a girl love each other the father can refuse no matter how strict he is. I had examples of my mother and father. My mother was a sunni and my father is a shia. But despite the difficulties that came their way they made it thru. I always thought that there were no such problems in our relationship..we both were shias educated syeds etc..there was no logical reason for him to deny our proposal. But look what happened.

Bro i wud ask you only one thing is the girl strong enough to stand up against her father? In my situation the only prob was that the girl was extremely weak. If in ur situation if the girl is strong nd u can guarantee 100% that she wud do anything and everything to marry you no matter what then its worth a try. But if u think that the girl is weak there is a high probability that she wont do anything about it no matter how much she loves u. Make a wise decision. If you go till the very end and it duzn happen then it hurts realy bad and the pain is unbearable. If u cut it off now it wud still hurt but not as much. Just always keep in mind that there is always a possibility that it mite not happen. I never even considered that possibility and thats y this hurts like hell..moreover i dont if u have physical relationship with her or not but if u get physical with a girl then there is this strong connection which u feel..if God forbid things dont go in ur favour it wud hurt like hell if u had physical relationship with her too..guys are usually possessive i was too..i cudnt stand her being friends with anothr guy let alone touch her..its only been a month and she is already married to someone else and the thoughts that come in my mind just hurt so much u have no clue. I get nightmares. I cant sleep even after taking sleeping pills every night. Its just too painful to describe in words. U are always thinking what wud she be doing with her husband right now and that is so much torture that u cant bear it.

Make other friends, dont make her your entire universe..u leave no way out in such a situation. I hope u make it thru InshaAllah. Remember me in your prayers.

 

 

"I persisted and told myself that there is no way that if a guy and a girl love each other the father can refuse no matter how strict he is."

 

Yea, I used to think logic and reason would bring about a solution.  Now I am starting to second guess.

 

I feel like, the reason you two fell in love, is because you both provide a certain element of benefit to eachother.  In that sense, for a father to stand in between, could arguably be detremental to everyone, including himself.  If he stands in the way of what is good, then only bad will ultimately result, regardless of how he feels after the fact about whichever husband he chose. Allah surely has plans for us all.

 

Perhaps Allah was protecting you though, protecting you from something that might hurt you more than even separating from her. If you think about it, even acceptance would bring great challanges and risks.

 

"Bro i wud ask you only one thing is the girl strong enough to stand up against her father?"

 

I believe so, but it will not be easy. Either way, I am proud of our accomplishments, regardless of what happens next.

 

"its only been a month and she is already married to someone else"

 

In my opinion, this isnt even a legitimate marriage.  Some people say, oh well she agreed to it, so it must be legitimate.  Well, prisoners agree to things when theyre being pressured by prison gaurds too.  A true decision with respect to marriage ought to be made without such parental pressures.  It takes away from the sincerety of marriage.  Takes away from its sanctity.

 

 Her marriage is no more Islamic than your every day court marriage and Allah recognizes this truth.

 

Thank you for the advice.  I wish you the best.  I also wish the best for many others who are currently experiencing the same thing.  Brothers and Sisters.  Take it easy.

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Asalam Alykum,

You have made the wisest decision. Good luck. Listen to lectures of Ammar Nakhswani, Hassanian Rajabali etc. Keep your faith strong. Life is short. Make sure you don't do stupid stuff like I did otherwise life will become a very tedious and long journey. She did give up but that is how it is. You have to live with that. InshAllah, you'll find someone who will help you heal. I know I have.

InshAllah, I hope our community move from the era of ignorance and strive to become true Muslims rather than cultural Muslims.

Thank you for sharing and I hope you stick around the forum.

Ma'Salam.

JazakAllah bro. Remember me in your duas. This period is tough for me i hope God makes it easier for me soon InshaAllah.

"its only been a month and she is already married to someone else"

In my opinion, this isnt even a legitimate marriage. Some people say, oh well she agreed to it, so it must be legitimate. Well, prisoners agree to things when theyre being pressured by prison gaurds too. A true decision with respect to marriage ought to be made without such parental pressures. It takes away from the sincerety of marriage. Takes away from its sanctity.

Her marriage is no more Islamic than your every day court marriage and Allah recognizes this truth.

True. Her marriage is not Islamically right either since she was in a mutah with me while she got married to another guy. A girl can not marry another man while she is already in a temporary marriage. Moreover there is a waiting period of 4 months on top of that during which a girl can not get married so the girls weakness made her get into an illegitimate nikkah without her new husbands knowledge who wud not even know he is in a haram relationship with her. And they will probably have illegitimate children illegitimate sex etc.

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JazakAllah bro. Remember me in your duas. This period is tough for me i hope God makes it easier for me soon InshaAllah.

True. Her marriage is not Islamically right either since she was in a mutah with me while she got married to another guy. A girl can not marry another man while she is already in a temporary marriage. Moreover there is a waiting period of 4 months on top of that during which a girl can not get married so the girls weakness made her get into an illegitimate nikkah without her new husbands knowledge who wud not even know he is in a haram relationship with her. And they will probably have illegitimate children illegitimate sex etc.

 

The iddah for mutah is two monthly cycles (menstrual periods), not 4 months,

Zawaj Nikah (permenant marriage) is 3 monthy cycles

and if the husband dies, the iddah is 4 monthly cycles.

 

The iddah begins once the agreed upon time period has ended (for mutah). 

or the husband 'gives back' or 'gifts back' the remaining time to her. 

 

 

Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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The iddah for mutah is two monthly cycles (menstrual periods), not 4 months,

Zawaj Nikah (permenant marriage) is 3 monthy cycles

and if the husband dies, the iddah is 4 monthly cycles.

 

Salam. 

Edited by Sapphire
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I wonder if this post will make it through.

 

As Salaamu Alaikum everyone, and hello, its been awhile.

 

I actually am in a very similar situation.  Figures, you know for the longest time i had been a skeptic of Islam and of the general populous that promoted Islam around me.

 

Then in my first chance at truly getting involved in an Islamic community, this is what I find.

 

I hear people consistently mention that we should seek out a sheik or Imam to asist.  However, in my scenario, the girls father is a sheik lol, go figure.

 

We will have to sit down and really figure out how we will work these things out.  I wish I would have understood how these cultural norms operated BEFORE I happened to innocently stick my nose in things.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It is difficult because, its like a clash of the cultures.  Here in the US, I could walk up to any girl and initiate a conversation and become friends with a girl.  And in such, its normal in the west for people to build relationships with people they like, at their own will.  By the nature of how we live, thats just how it happens.

 

Whereas in this Pakistani culture, I guess that just doesnt happen. So people try to maintain their cultural ways, move into a new culture (western), and next thing you know, I meet someone I like and end up finding myself stuck between a rock and hardplace.

 

In one hand, I could just walk away, I could have long ago.  However, not only would I be walking away from my best friend and girl I care deeply for, but it would be like ignoring or turning a blind eye toward racism and turning a blind eye toward, arguably a situation in which womens rights are at steak.

 

With that said, I think that any girl in these types of situation should fight.  Fight for the person you care for, fight for...an end to prejiduce beliefs and racist segregation.  Fight for your right to control your life.  I think even at the sake of family image, there should be a fight. 

 

A family image should be good based on good actions, not on hiding its bad actions. Reasons like this make me despise the idea of having all these secrets.

 

For the guys here, could you imagine telling any woman "You will marry this man, you will live with him, wake up to him every morning, have children with him etc etc". Its kind of rediculous to think that any man should have such power over any female, even if the girl is his daughter (given that she is of a mature age).

 

Anyway, It is all quite rediculous.  Some of my friends think i am a bit foolish for getting involved with Islam and Islamic communities.  And in return I return to them with stories like this.  It doesnt help their views of Islam, regardless of if it is a cultural issue or not.  It is a shame.

 

Hopefully men and women in these situations will learn lessons for the future, and hopefully will give their own sons and daughters more freedom.

 

My question is, how can such practices persist for more than one or two generations?  If baffles me.

 

And sorry for your misfortune seeking advice.  I feel your pain.

 

There is a positive and negative side to the cultural norms in the West and the U.S. 

You didn't mention the negatives, and if you are from the U.S, you know what these are. 

 

Islam allows for cultural differences, at the same time, there are some clear lines which a muslim should not cross. 

As a muslim (man or women) you cannot do certain things if you are not in a marriage contract including

 

1) have any physical contact with the opposite sex, including shaking hands or hugging

2) be alone in a closed room together

3) discuss topics that only a husband and a wife would discuss ( I probably don't need to elaborate on what these are) 

 

Also, it is discouraged for unmarried men and women to have relationships of a personal or intimate nature where they 

can freely discuss whatever comes to their mind because this has a high probability of leading down a slippery slope to

sin, which happens very often in the U.S / West  and also in the East sometimes. 

 

At the same time, Islam encourages marriage, and the Pakistani and other cultures put up unnecessary roadblocks in the 

way of men and women getting together for marriage. So in order for men and women to get married but at the same time not get into sinful relationships, they need to understand what the religion is and what the culture is and the difference between the two. They also need to challenge their parents when the parents put up un-Islamic objections to a potential spouse. I don't see this challenging of parents in a healthy way going on (especially on the part of the sisters)

 

Imam Reda(a.s) said 'Amr Bil Ma3rof wa Anhouna Al Munkhar (enjoining good and forbidding evil) is with the tounge'

meaning that if someone, even a parent, stops you from doing something that is your right Islamically to do (and in many cases  wajib to keep from falling into haram) you need to speak up and tell them that this is your right and not just blindly accept whatever they say and assume what they are saying is right because 'they are your parents'. 

 

 

and this is the major issue, IMO, that is stopping us, as a muslim community, from building healthy communities for the future. 

Only if the marriage was consummated. If not, then Iddah is not obligatory.  

 

I'm assuming the marriage was consumated. 

Even if it wasn't, she cannot marry another man if the time period for the mutah has not expired or the time was not 'gifted back'. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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I'm assuming the marriage was consumated. 

Even if it wasn't, she cannot marry another man if the time period for the mutah has not expired or the time was not 'gifted back'. 

 

I don't think it was consummated.

 

I agree with the latter, true that. She cannot marry someone else if the mutah time period has not expired or was not "gifted back".

Edited by Sapphire
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