Men And Women Can't Be "just Friends"

[.InshAllah.]

The Scientific American article posted below is a commentary on the paper Benefit or Burden?  Attraction in cross-sex friendship by Bleske-Rechek et al. (2012).  There's so much in this study that supports the Islamic attitude toward cross-sex friendships. 

 

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Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends"

Scientific American

 

Researchers asked women and men "friends" what they really think—and got very different answers

 

Can heterosexual men and women ever be “just friends”? Few other questions have provoked debates as intense, family dinners as awkward, literature as lurid, or movies as memorable. Still, the question remains unanswered. Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.

 

New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment.

 

In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships—a topic that has been explored more on the silver screen than in the science lab—researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab.  Privacy was paramount—for example, imagine the fallout if two friends learned that one—and only one—had unspoken romantic feelings for the other throughout their relationship.  In order to ensure honest responses, the researchers not only followed standard protocols regarding anonymity and confidentiality, but also required both friends to agree—verbally, and in front of each other—to refrain from discussing the study, even after they had left the testing facility. These friendship pairs were then separated, and each member of each pair was asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings (or lack thereof) toward the friend with whom they were taking the study.

 

The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

 

Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status.  However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners.  Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.

 

These results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particular friendships (remember, each participant was only asked about the specific, platonic, friend with whom they entered the lab). This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.

 

To the outside observer, it seems clear that these vastly different views about the potential for romance in opposite-sex friendships could cause serious complications—and people within opposite-sex relationships agree. In a follow-up study, 249 adults (many of whom were married) were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex. Variables related to romantic attraction (e.g., “our relationship could lead to romantic feelings”) were five times more likely to be listed as negative aspects of the friendship than as positive ones. However, the differences between men and women appeared here as well. Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

 

Taken together, these studies suggest that men and women have vastly different views of what it means to be “just friends”—and that these differing views have the potential to lead to trouble. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. And even though both genders agree overall that attraction between platonic friends is more negative than positive, males are less likely than females to hold this view.

 

So, can men and women be “just friends?” If we all thought like women, almost certainly.  But if we all thought like men, we’d probably be facing a serious overpopulation crisis.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR(S)

Adrian F. Ward is a doctoral candidate in the Department of Psychology at Harvard University. His doctoral research is focused on the relationships between technology, cognition, social relationships, and self-esteem, and he worked briefly as a scientific consultant for a dating website.

 

[EthidiumIodide]

This type of "men and women can't be friends" thinking is what secular egalitarian feminist thinking seeks to eradicate. Any differences in males and females needs to be scrubbed from society. Of course men and women can be friends, you just need to try harder and embrace pre-marital sex-positivism.

[Fatima Hussain]

This type of "men and women can't be friends" thinking is what secular egalitarian feminist thinking seeks to eradicate. Any differences in males and females needs to be scrubbed from society. Of course men and women can be friends, you just need to try harder and embrace pre-marital sex-positivism.

There is nothing wrong with marital sex positivism...lol...

[:Ruffles]

Wow really? Older men think they got more game???

This explains a lot :donno:

[notme]

Throughout my life I've had male and female friends. The key is to not act on any attraction that may occur and not put yourself in any situation in which you are tempted to cross the lines of decency. In other words, establish and maintain proper boundaries.

Good friends are hard to find. Can't be friends with men, can't be friends with non-Muslims, can't have friends too rich or too poor or too old or too young or the wrong race or ethnicity!

Just use good sense.

[Reza]

Friend is a lot different than school/work acquaintance.

[Mlle. Advice]

I agree with notme, if you find urself a good , honest friends do not throw them in the garbage cuz of a stupid mentality , just remain respectful and keep ur distance. this applies to both men and women , yes they can control their urges and restrain themselves but its shaytan that plays with their minds and some Muslims allow him to do such things.

 

everyone knows their boundaries and their limits, this including men , they know all too well but they act stupid like they don't know in certain situations cuz they want something from the woman and think they can get away with it. A strong beautiful woman inside will not be afraid to put the man in his place and make him understand his limits , therefore  increasing her dignity by 1000X.

 

 

Ws

Edited February 4, 2014 by Mlle. Advice

[awaiting_for_the.12th]

I am starting to love these "feel good" posts. We all can be good friends obviously as long as we don't "act on any attractions" criteria set up by one of the posters. OH and if someone does "act on attraction" a women will put the guy on his place suggested by another poster. 

 

....

 

Anyways, to people who are not sure Imam Ali (as) said that he doesn't initiate even Salam to a women for the fear that their reply might bring out any lust just by the voice. Listen to Imams. Some people only follow their 'hawa, or obviously they take part in such unislamic things and justifying it with whatever they can throw out there. A guy and girl cannot even be alone for a second let alone friends. I mean if you are going to see your future wife and talk to her even for a second there needs to be a wali present, but somehow people are justifying friendship. Sad state.

[EthidiumIodide]

I am starting to love these "feel good" posts. We all can be good friends obviously as long as we don't "act on any attractions" criteria set up by one of the posters. OH and if someone does "act on attraction" a women will put the guy on his place suggested by another poster. 

 

....

 

Anyways, to people who are not sure Imam Ali (as) said that he doesn't initiate even Salam to a women for the fear that their reply might bring out any lust just by the voice. Listen to Imams. Some people only follow their 'hawa, or obviously they take part in such unislamic things and justifying it with whatever they can throw out there. A guy and girl cannot even be alone for a second let alone friends. I mean if you are going to see your future wife and talk to her even for a second there needs to be a wali present, but somehow people are justifying friendship. Sad state.

 

This is the man Muslim men wish they could be. A calm, resolute mu'min who doesn't care how many women want him.

 

But seriously, we need to really instate an Islamic society. Women need to stay out of public. No need to give Salam, no need to look, talk, or to become filled with desire if you see a woman.

 

Think about how many illegitimate children have been created from the simple "Hello". Unbelievable. This is the very definition of a slippery slope.

[awaiting_for_the.12th]

...delete

Edited February 4, 2014 by awaiting_for_the.12th

[EthidiumIodide]

For your sake, I hope there is no haram touching.

I just want what is best for society IMO. It is better to avoid chances of performing sinful deers. And if talking to women may induce lust, it is better to not even give yourself the chance to speak to them. And that necessitates complete segregation.

[awaiting_for_the.12th]

For your sake, I hope there is no haram touching.

I just want what is best for society IMO. It is better to avoid chances of performing sinful deers. And if talking to women may induce lust, it is better to not even give yourself the chance to speak to them. And that necessitates complete segregation.

Thats the spirit. Not so hard uh? You got the concept down, and i get to quiz you on it soon.

 

Anyways, lets stay on-topic.

Edited February 4, 2014 by awaiting_for_the.12th

[Mlle. Advice]

This is the man Muslim men wish they could be. A calm, resolute mu'min who doesn't care how many women want him.

But seriously, we need to really instate an Islamic society. Women need to stay out of

public. No need to give Salam, no need to look,

talk, or to become filled with desire if you see a

woman.

Think about how many illegitimate children have been created from the simple "Hello".

Unbelievable. This is the very definition of a

slippery slope.

"women need to stay out of public" ?

so meaning women should be locked away in dungeons? I hope this is not what u have in mind. if it means what u think, then this is a horrible thing to say.

illegitimate children from a simple "hello" ? I think this is an exaggeration.

[Reza]

This is the man Muslim men wish they could be. A calm, resolute mu'min who doesn't care how many women want him.

 

But seriously, we need to really instate an Islamic society. Women need to stay out of public. No need to give Salam, no need to look, talk, or to become filled with desire if you see a woman.

 

Think about how many illegitimate children have been created from the simple "Hello". Unbelievable. This is the very definition of a slippery slope.

 

How about everyone just get married?

[Marbles]

illegitimate children from a simple "hello" ? I think this is an exaggeration.

 

Actually, it's not. In some parts of the world a man's hello has the power to impregnate women.

[Sabrina Abbas]

I'm not sure they can be. For example I'm friends with my ex, but if I'm honest, I'm still in love with him. Even though I know that he isn't really husband material, that he's a bit odd and a major commitment phobic who thinks his somewhat average looking self is somehow too good for me. But still he's special almost in another world

sense, and he makes me laugh and is very sweet. Though it's going to take a miracle for him to appreciate what he had (I don't believe in happy ever after anymore)

[silviafini]

In my experience, I have a lot of male friends, even most of my friends are male. And no, I don't have any illegitimate children with them, I also have never had any sexual harassment from them. I respect them who choose to limit their friendships to female only, but I don't. Neither I have any problem because of it. We're just friends, we talk, we share, we help each other, just like brothers and sisters. When I am around them I think like a man, I never reveal my woman side that will probably attract them in whatever way.