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In the Name of God بسم الله

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I have a big big problem!

 

I was talking to a man with regards to marriage. Him and I live in different countries, have never met but have talked on the phone and so on.

 

So one day, out of the blue he calls me and tells me he did istekhara for our marriage and it came bad!

So at first, I began doubting his honestly about this istekhara and thought it was a way out of making a decision but then later on got convinced when he told me he felt bad about it.

 

Well, here is the situation.

Him & I live in separate continents totally. We began talking on Whatsapp and Phone. Nothing haram, just genuine talks about life and marriage.

So there came a point where there was a certain amount on pressure on him to make a decision about us as to whether he wanted to proceed or not.

So instead of meeting me first, talking to me and then making a decision, he does an istekhara! And it comes bad! So he decides not to marry me or even considering marrying me!

 

Is this istekhara even valid? It's driving me nuts. I wanted to really pursue thinking marriage with him but I was so shy in the beginning that talking to him so much about things was making me uncomfortable and he was my first conversation with a man with regards to marriage.

 

He didn't even ask me if he should do an istekhara! I don't know what to do. All I know is I have feelings for this guy. Mainly because he is so nice! Perfect husband!! And he says I'd be a perfect wife! :(

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Istekhara has made me so confused. I really thought him and I were getting somewhere.

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istekhara is a great thing, accept the advice God directly gave you and fear not there is billions of men in the world, you will not end up alone eventually and with patience God will send the one for whom no istekhara can come bad

and i have known many people who have gone against a bad istekhara and it has really cost them in life 

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Bismillah

 

I would advise members of this board not to rely on istikharas when it comes to marriage. If it had the kind of value people today superstitiously ascribe to it, the Prophet (s) and the Imams (as) would have recommended it for marriage, but instead they recommended that people investigate the person (imaan, character, family etc.) in order to have a good idea whether or not the person would be a good spouse.

 

I know people who have faced the most horrid of spouses despite these "good istikharas" , so please refrain from it. The only time one can use istikhara is if one is stuck between two equally good choices where all means of investigation, reasoning, evidence etc. have been exhausted. Even then, if you are inclined towards one choice during the istikhara, your istikhara may be void. So it is really a conclusively final and last resort which means that 99.9% of the time it should not be used.

 

With that being said, I would personally recommend against marriage with people in different continents. It will lead to great difficulties, both personal and family and there is also the great risk that you may not be able to know the person adequately. Stick to your community and choose someone you and your family knows well or someone whom you may have reasonable space and time to know well. 

Edited by Hannibal

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Istikhara is more of a last resort - there are superior tools at your disposal. When making a decision, try to consider:

1. Which of your options is wajib?
2. If neither, then which of your options is mustahab?
3. If neither, then consult other believers and see what they say (shaykhs, trustworthy friends or family).
4. And/or what decision is most rational?

If the above are invalid, then istikhara.

 

----------------------------

 

With regards to your situation, it could be that the istikhara is not the only factor behind his decision, but the easiest one to express. If you live in different continents, marriage is very difficult. Someone would have to move, and the other would have to take someone in. Family ties and monetary resources are strained. Compatibility with someone of a different upbringing, culture, and language can also be difficult. These lingering thoughts could have affected his istikhara. And, if he's trying to avoid blame, it's a lot easier to say "my istikhara came out bad" than it is to say "this is too difficult for me". Although finding a spouse is not easy nowadays, I still think it's usually easier to marry someone in your area than to marry someone from another continent. Maybe he came to that conclusion himself.

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As the SC official marriage counselor allow me to throw my opinion on the table! If he is not sure, leave him and move on. Marry a man who knows what he wants.

 

[edited]

OP, there might be a possibility he just isn't interested.  How old is he?  Young people can have a change of heart quite quickly when faced with overwhelming decisions.  It typically has very little to do with the other person, just youth, especially if this is their first experience etc.  

Edited by Muhammed Ali

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[edited]

 

Seriously OP, I don't want to be harsh but he's probably just not that into you and just doesn't know how to say it.

 

If I was hitting it off with some guy over the phone I wouldn't need an istikhara, I would need to meet him first. I think you guys are just on two different pages. 

Edited by Muhammed Ali

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Bismillaah ir Rahmaan ir Rahiim In The Name of Allaah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful   As salaamu alaykum.

 

I'm in agreement with Qa'im.  It is doubtful that istikhara, had much to do with this person's decision.  http://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/introduction  ~  Wassalaam.   Faithfully999

 

 

 

Istikhara is more of a last resort - there are superior tools at your disposal. When making a decision, try to consider:

1. Which of your options is wajib?
2. If neither, then which of your options is mustahab?
3. If neither, then consult other believers and see what they say (shaykhs, trustworthy friends or family).
4. And/or what decision is most rational?

If the above are invalid, then istikhara.

 

----------------------------

 

With regards to your situation, it could be that the istikhara is not the only factor behind his decision, but the easiest one to express. If you live in different continents, marriage is very difficult. Someone would have to move, and the other would have to take someone in. Family ties and monetary resources are strained. Compatibility with someone of a different upbringing, culture, and language can also be difficult. These lingering thoughts could have affected his istikhara. And, if he's trying to avoid blame, it's a lot easier to say "my istikhara came out bad" than it is to say "this is too difficult for me". Although finding a spouse is not easy nowadays, I still think it's usually easier to marry someone in your area than to marry someone from another continent. Maybe he came to that conclusion himself.

 

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[edited]

 

Seriously OP, I don't want to be harsh but he's probably just not that into you and just doesn't know how to say it.

 

If I was hitting it off with some guy over the phone I wouldn't need an istikhara, I would need to meet him first. I think you guys are just on two different pages. 

LOL that is a possibility. I don't know. I'd rather prefer honesty. 

But I can be 100% that an istekhara did take place. I am sure of that.

I can only pray for the best now.

 

Bismillah

 

I would advise members of this board not to rely on istikharas when it comes to marriage. If it had the kind of value people today superstitiously ascribe to it, the Prophet (s) and the Imams (as) would have recommended it for marriage, but instead they recommended that people investigate the person (imaan, character, family etc.) in order to have a good idea whether or not the person would be a good spouse.

 

I know people who have faced the most horrid of spouses despite these "good istikharas" , so please refrain from it. The only time one can use istikhara is if one is stuck between two equally good choices where all means of investigation, reasoning, evidence etc. have been exhausted. Even then, if you are inclined towards one choice during the istikhara, your istikhara may be void. So it is really a conclusively final and last resort which means that 99.9% of the time it should not be used.

 

With that being said, I would personally recommend against marriage with people in different continents. It will lead to great difficulties, both personal and family and there is also the great risk that you may not be able to know the person adequately. Stick to your community and choose someone you and your family knows well or someone whom you may have reasonable space and time to know well. 

Thank you so much for your advice!

I personally now feel that I would be against doing istekhara for anything taking into account how much this istekhara has affected me.

I just wish we got more time to know each other. I think it was just the pressure on him to make a decision that lead to the istekhara.

 

Istikhara is more of a last resort - there are superior tools at your disposal. When making a decision, try to consider:

1. Which of your options is wajib?

2. If neither, then which of your options is mustahab?

3. If neither, then consult other believers and see what they say (shaykhs, trustworthy friends or family).

4. And/or what decision is most rational?

If the above are invalid, then istikhara.

 

----------------------------

 

With regards to your situation, it could be that the istikhara is not the only factor behind his decision, but the easiest one to express. If you live in different continents, marriage is very difficult. Someone would have to move, and the other would have to take someone in. Family ties and monetary resources are strained. Compatibility with someone of a different upbringing, culture, and language can also be difficult. These lingering thoughts could have affected his istikhara. And, if he's trying to avoid blame, it's a lot easier to say "my istikhara came out bad" than it is to say "this is too difficult for me". Although finding a spouse is not easy nowadays, I still think it's usually easier to marry someone in your area than to marry someone from another continent. Maybe he came to that conclusion himself.

Yep, that is true. Marriage is a big decision but then again you cannot base a marriage solely on an istekhara. If the istekhara would have come good he would have married me.

Nevermind, prayers help so I shall just pray.

For sure, this istekhara has got brought me much closer to Allah.

 

[edited]

OP, there might be a possibility he just isn't interested.  How old is he?  Young people can have a change of heart quite quickly when faced with overwhelming decisions.  It typically has very little to do with the other person, just youth, especially if this is their first experience etc.  

He is 25. Yep that's what I feel.

There are many fish in the sea. And I was the first fish so he must be exploring his other options.

 

Bismillaah ir Rahmaan ir Rahiim In The Name of Allaah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful   As salaamu alaykum.

 

I'm in agreement with Qa'im.  It is doubtful that istikhara, had much to do with this person's decision.  http://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/introduction  ~  Wassalaam.   Faithfully999

Thank you-But I repeat, I do believe there was an istekhara.

 

 

I think we all complicate marriage and look for chemistry before marriage whereas that cannot exist among people who do not know each other that well.

I just have a point to make to anyone who reads this forum: 

During our parents generation, marriages were more successful because they held a deeper meaning, people didn't rely on chemistry between the two before marriage rather they married with the intention and want of making the marriage work.

Nowadays I see so many marriages failing because of silly reasons. People choose women based on their beauty rather than character. It holds less meaning. Rather than working together in a marriage and communicating, couples seek other methods of avoiding communication. It's difficult to know who is the right guy or the right woman. I guess marriage is just a gamble (I have heard of marriages with good istekharas have failed and marriages with bad istekharas have prospered)

Edited by Muhammed Ali

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istekhara is a great thing, accept the advice God directly gave you and fear not there is billions of men in the world, you will not end up alone eventually and with patience God will send the one for whom no istekhara can come bad

and i have known many people who have gone against a bad istekhara and it has really cost them in life 

Thank you. I feel better.

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