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In the Name of God بسم الله

Was I Wrong

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saherfatima

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Salams, I haven't posted in a while but thought this would be a good place to get the brutal truth or some closure

To keep it brief, I had been conversing for marriage , since we are In different countries the process of knowing each other has been slightly long and tedious however we both made sound attempts to make the most of the situation , a few months on he wanted to meet and expressed it frequently, since his work had an issue he wasn't able to make it over to london, where he insisted I travelled to canada, I have been hesitant about this, since for me it's just not the usual protocol , none the less I didn't want to be egotistical if this was a genuine barrier, so I started coming around to the idea and if things carried on positively, I and family member would go, he provided his address and I mine as it seemed he was hinting he wanted to send something on a few occasions, and by now I had known him well, then the other day my mother rang me at work explaining a woman had turned up at our address , this woman didn't introduce herself properly say Salam or say who she was clearly , she said hello I want to speak to 'me' and she mentioned something briefly about canada but didn't mention the proper family name of who I was speaking to, since I had only provided an address the day before my mother wasn't aware, and is always on the side of caution, and because the lady had asked directly for me and not been clear in who she was it seems my mum was aloof with her and explained I was at work, where the lady went away, and that's it ... He told me in the evening his mother sent a 'proxy' I had to google it at the time and due to this misunderstanding he felt we should delay meeting , it all baffled me as this sort thing never happened to me , people usually make a time , he insists that this is the norm and that we turned the lady away knowingly , Im just stunned by the flip of events , was this really the norm ? Did we do a faux pas ?

Edited by saherfatima
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Proxy i am familiar with, but is he just flipping you off now because you were not there when the proxy showed up? or is he suggesting meeting some other time?

Normally, it is the man who should travel to meet the women and her family, just going on what we do. It sounds a little off to me. I do not think you did anything wrong accept maybe you could have told your mother to expect someone to show up at some stage?

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He is an idiot, quit, run ...

And do extremely good research in them, there are tons of marriage fraud going on now a days.

 

yeah it is too easy for them to create a persona online. they act all one way and the real deal isn't that at all. predators lurk like this. Extreme caution must be exercised in such situations.

Edited by TheLoneCrusader
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His style is a little bit crazy.

It's perfectly alright to use a proxy, provided that he is sending someone that is well known and respectable in the community. No one sends random people to prospective bride's house! That's just bad.

Oh and you better tell your parents about your matrimonial effort and let them run a background check on this guy.

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This story is kinda confusing sister. But it all seems really awkward and strange. I've never heard of this proxy matter, but it sounds very rude and disrespectful on his part to have put you & your mother through that situation. Most definitely he should've told you before-hand that he was sending someone to your house.

I just don't understand something. Why is he sending a proxy over to your house for??? Is a proxy some sort of spy??

Ws

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This story is kinda confusing sister. But it all seems really awkward and strange. I've never heard of this proxy matter, but it sounds very rude and disrespectful on his part to have put you & your mother through that situation. Most definitely he should've told you before-hand that he was sending someone to your house.

I just don't understand something. Why is he sending a proxy over to your house for??? Is a proxy some sort of spy??

Ws

A proxy is someone who stands in your place to represent you in the situation that you are unable to be present.

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Salam Alekum, 

 

 

this woman didn't introduce herself properly say Salam or say who she was clearly , she said hello I want to speak to 'me'

 

 

This sounds very rude and disrespectful of you and your family. I would explain to him that this is bad aklaq, and we can meet thru proxy, but the proxy has to tell us she is coming, greet us properly, at least return the salam as we are muslims. If he insists on these types of 'proxy' visits, I would call the whole thing off. There is a reason why Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) said to look for deen and aklaq, because these are the things that will give you the best indication as to how the man will treat his wife in the future. If his deen is not correct, that means he doesn't respect Allah(s.w.a), his Creator, and if he doesn't respect Allah(s.w.a), his aklaq will be bad which means he will treat you bad. 

 

I am not saying the above is true about your potential husband, it may have just been a misunderstanding, but like I said, if he insists on this bad behavior you will know it was not a misunderstanding and it was a true reflection of his personality. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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thanks for the feedback, he insisted that what he did was the norm for many Muslim communities, so I thought why not ask shia chat members and it seems it isn't, I mean I wouldn't have minded the proxy if we had known she was coming, oh well its a shame really, I didn't really expect this sort of behaviour, but better now than later

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A proxy is someone who stands in your place to represent you in the situation that you are unable to be present.

Ok, but I still don't understand why he would send one over to the OP's house? For what purposes do people send over proxies??

Well I first read her post it seemed that the intention of sending the proxy over was to spy on her family. Like check out their living conditions, their neighbourhood, see how the mother & her dress when they leave the house, etc.

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I think hes more annoyed or perhaps his mother is annoyed at how the proxy was treated, since my mum wasn't so obliging and welcoming towards her (none the less polite), as she really wasn't sure who she was , and since the lady didn't really assure her of who she was or introduce herself properly or say anything to make the situation seem legitimate,

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Ok, but I still don't understand why he would send one over to the OP's house? For what purposes do people send over proxies??

Well I first read her post it seemed that the intention of sending the proxy over was to spy on her family. Like check out their living conditions, their neighbourhood, see how the mother & her dress when they leave the house, etc.

 

To speak on his behalf. The proxy should have had a specified time to visit, agreed upon by her family, and should have conducted herself in a manner that is respectful and sort of like an "ambassador" or representative of himself and his family. If they were not aware of any of this, then they are not to be blamed for how the proxy was treated. How would you feel if a random person just showed up at your house and requested to talk to your daughter? No proper greeting, no information, no nothing!

 

He should come to see you, your father or guardian first of course, since anything else is not entirely safe.  You shouldn't have to goto him.

What kind of a moron would make the girl he wishes to marry so uncomfortable about the whole process?

 

Exactly my sentiments! If the man is the man, he should make the effort to go meet the girl, at her families home, with her family there. Asking her to come meet him puts her in danger of anything really. For all she knows, he could be a predator, out to attack another victim. If this were my daughter or sister or cousin, i would get very angry at his request. And being as I am, i would probably have called him myself and told him to man up.

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Exactly my sentiments! If the man is the man, he should make the effort to go meet the girl, at her families home, with her family there. Asking her to come meet him puts her in danger of anything really. For all she knows, he could be a predator, out to attack another victim. If this were my daughter or sister or cousin, i would get very angry at his request. And being as I am, i would probably have called him myself and told him to man up.

yeah and I agree it was my initial reaction, but sometimes you make leneancies for the bigger picture, i think for the future i'd stick to the traditional ways of approaching these things

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(salam)

Why in the first place sending a proxy when you two were already arranging a meeting ?

You did well. Imagine the kind of people who ruin your household intimacy by popping anytime without asking... A whole life like that... Noo way

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