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Mlle. Advice

Confessing Love - Would You?

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Salaam alaikum!

 

 

I have realised a consensus on SC where many members claim that, a girl who says 'she wants to get married' is harshly criticized and is looked down upon with contempt in her society. But I want to take a different approach here and instead of starting another 'Marriage thread', and asking if Sisters would initiate their marriage I want to ask a different question. 

 

 

Let's say, Sisters, that you have a suitor who has made it obvious that he wants you & you believe he is the Mo'min one for you.

 

 

Would any of you, Sisters, bravely confess your love for him to your parents?   What would be the reactions of your parents and family back home (if you live in the West) ?

 

 

 Is it still taboo in your culture?

 

 

 

 

 

I'm just curious to see if this taboo/norm has changed in our generation. Please vote and reply. 

 

 

*if you married, imagine before you got married?

*if you're a brother, imagine confessing for a girl?

 

Thank You & Ws

 

Edited by Mlle. Advice

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It is still a taboo here in Pakistan.

But ALHAMDULLILAH I am blessed with a great mother who understood me. And always stood by me. So it was never a problem for me.

In Pakistan??? I thought the culture was pretty open about it.

 

Alhamdullilah sister, & thanks for your reply.

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In Pakistan??? I thought the culture was pretty open about it.

 

Alhamdullilah sister, & thanks for your reply.

Nope that is not true. When it comes to marriage according to ones own choice or love marriage. Everyone jumps in. Your parents, siblings, uncles, and aunties. They will tell you that this is wrong. The girl or boy who you intend to marry has some hidden motives. They will question your potential spouse so much and that without even knowing him or her. Your potential spouse becomes a potential threat to the very sanctity of your home.

And eventually. He/she gets rejected. End of story.

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Love comes whilst living together.

So that means you would never confess such things to your family? 

 

 

Nope that is not true. When it comes to marriage according to ones own choice or love marriage. Everyone jumps in. Your parents, siblings, uncles, and aunties. They will tell you that this is wrong. The girl or boy who you intend to marry has some hidden motives. They will question your potential spouse so much and that without even knowing him or her. Your potential spouse becomes a potential threat to the very sanctity of your home.

And eventually. He/she gets rejected. End of story.

Wow...very different from my Pakistani friends in the US..I definitely did not expect to hear that. Lol.

Edited by Mlle. Advice

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Yes I would. It may be awkward to discuss such things with them but my father only cares about a man's deen, his akhlaq, and the way he treats a woman. 

 

I agree, love comes with time.

 

For some girls out there, love can exist before marriage. Even their whole marriage is built on love and thats why the man has gone to her family to propose to her because he knows she is the one he wants.

 

Yes, sometimes it can come after marriage, but not all the time.

 

I was just wondering to see if this is still taboo in our societies because it seems that it has been broken nowadays. And more girls are speaking out on whom they love and want to marry.

 

 

 

"Baba, I met so and so, and he's interested in me as I am to him...Here's his phone number, please don't say I don't know how to cook"

 

Roll on floor laughing!!  I would expect this is the line every girl would save for their suitor. I actually had to say that to someone before  :rolleyes:

 

 

 

 

Now I have a question..would you ladies ever confess to a guy that you're interested in him? I personally would be afraid of being rejected, it would shatter my ego, but life is all about taking risks especially if the guy's worth it.

 

I would be dead afraid of being rejected too! LOL. But here's how I see it:

 

1). If he is someone I would keep seeing because of work or school or family....I would NOT!!! Sorry its just to big of a risk to make a fool of yourself in front of someone you will keep seeing for a long time. And every time he sees you he will remember that tragic moment where you were a loser.

 

2). If he is someone I will probably never see again, maybe I would! Who cares?? He's not gonna see me again, so goodbye to him and he's the loser! (I know even as I'm typing this, I probably won't do any of that  :D)

 

 

Nice question, now I didn't want to ask something like that 'cuz most of the replies would probably be no.

ws

Assalamu Alaikum wb dear sister,

 

In such a scenario I would question why this momin brother has decided to express his interest in me rather than approaching my father directly and asking him for my hand in marriage.

 

I don't believe you can fall in love before marriage, not without violating certain Islamic guidelines. 

 

Perhaps you meant to use a different word sister?

 

 

No, I wouldn't. I think men should pursue women and not the other way around. 

No sister, you're misunderstanding. Its hypothetical situation and yes he did approach your parents first. Maybe I was not clear on that.

 

But yes you can fall in love without sinning or violating Islamic guidelines. Many people have in Halal ways. 

Edited by Mlle. Advice

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No, I wouldn't. I think men should pursue women and not the other way around. 

 

From the viewpoint of many women in the world, women aren't damsels in distress awaiting their prince charming. Many of them have feelings for guys and if the guy isn't taking a step, do they just forget him? Does Islam really teach women to be quiet and just accept whatever comes their way while forgetting it's possible for them to have a full say? And this is an actual question. I want to know the answer from an Islamic perspective and understand the knowledge behind that rule. 

Edited by CityOfKnowledge

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From the viewpoint of many women in the world, women aren't damsels in distress awaiting their prince charming. Many of them have feelings for guys and if the guy isn't taking a step, do they just forget him? Does Islam really teach women to be quiet and just accept whatever comes their way while forgetting it's possible for them to have a full say? And this is an actual question. I want to know the answer from an Islamic perspective and understand the knowledge behind that rule. 

 

 

Khadijah gathered the courage and sent a message to the Prophet.

 

Therein lies the answer to your question.

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Khadijah gathered the courage and sent a message to the Prophet.

 

Therein lies the answer to your question.

 

Thank you. Then I don't understand why parents are so "strict" and ashamed of their daughters confessing if this is what the highest lady did.

Edited by CityOfKnowledge

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I think men should pursue women and not the other way around. 

 

Generally perhaps yes

 

But in some situations, it may be necessary for the girl to take the lead.

 

As in the case of the Prophet's first wife, 

 

Khadijah gathered the courage and sent a message to the Prophet.

 

who did not have a father, mother or as far as I am aware, even a brother.

 

She also sensed that he was more than just a suitor, he was something very very special.

 

There are other instances when it may be advisable or even necessary for a woman to take the lead.  

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Assalamu Alaikum wb,

The OP asked the sisters if they would approach a male, I was only giving my personal

opinion akhi. Maybe some would be willing but I

personally would not.

Just to clarify, I am not against the idea of females approaching the male for marriage, they are allowed to in Islam. I was simply stating my personal view on the matter.

Wrong, sister, I did not ask for a consensus on approaching MEN. I simply asked if sisters were willing to approach their PARENTS. Big difference here, which goes to show how the thread has been derailed cuz posters are probably not reading before replying.

Ws

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I knew someone was going to give this example. If I knew a man like the Prophet (s.a.w.) perhaps I would hold a different view, but I don't. 

 

 

Though I respect your view or anyone's view who feels this way, but to say that you will only propose if you knew a man like the Prophet Muhammad  (pbuh)  is preposterous. That will go on to say that you are exactly like Kadhija (as) who's known for her sacrifices and services for Islam, the Prophet (pbuh) has said that she was one of the four perfect women who had ever lived and I highly doubt there is a woman like her who walks on this earth today.

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I was going to say a little thing but I realised the opening poster isn't asking if girls should confess their feelings to guys but if they'd tell their parents they liked a guy.

 

Since she's asking an altogether different thing, the example I gave of Lady Khadijah doesn't apply.


Apologies.

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I was going to say a little thing but I realised the opening poster isn't asking if girls should confess their feelings to guys but if they'd tell their parents they liked a guy.

Since she's asking an altogether different thing,

the example I gave of Lady Khadijah doesn't

apply.

Apologies.

No apologies needed. It's ok everyone is free to express what they want. Go ahead, say what you were going to :)

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I have something to say. I think a woman should PURSUE and tell a man if she wishes to marry him.

 

I.e lets take ME, a living example.

I got an amazing proposal for marriage. Talked to the guy but did not express my likeness for him. He expressed it frequently and me being a shy and well mannered girl felt I should wait for him to say yes to marriage, then I will say yes. THAT BACKFIRED ON ME!

 

He got confused. Pressure was on him to make a decision. He didn't know what to do. He did istekhara. It came bad. His decision is made. 

 

After the istekhara I told him how I felt and he said "you should have said all this before the istekhara not now. It's done"

 

Then when I said lets give it another shot and talk to each other again, he said let's not force it if istekhara wasn't in favour. If Allah wills for us to happen and we are destined to be together we will be". 

 

So this is what I am doing as of now. I am doing dua (because dua can change destiny)

 

Moral of story: TELL THE GUY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM because men don't get hints! It's sad but true

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I have something to say. I think a woman should PURSUE and tell a man if she wishes to marry him.

 

I.e lets take ME, a living example.

I got an amazing proposal for marriage. Talked to the guy but did not express my likeness for him. He expressed it frequently and me being a shy and well mannered girl felt I should wait for him to say yes to marriage, then I will say yes. THAT BACKFIRED ON ME!

 

He got confused. Pressure was on him to make a decision. He didn't know what to do. He did istekhara. It came bad. His decision is made. 

 

After the istekhara I told him how I felt and he said "you should have said all this before the istekhara not now. It's done"

 

Then when I said lets give it another shot and talk to each other again, he said let's not force it if istekhara wasn't in favour. If Allah wills for us to happen and we are destined to be together we will be". 

 

So this is what I am doing as of now. I am doing dua (because dua can change destiny)

 

Moral of story: TELL THE GUY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM because men don't get hints! It's sad but true

 

That's shyness gone too far.

 

By all means don't take the lead in such matters but don't forget to drop clear hints* when the guy shows genuine interest.

 

Your case is even more surprising as you were already in marriage talks through family involvement if I have read that correctly?

 

To keep your assent in mist till long after the guy made his interest clear was a bad non-move.

 

If the case is still pending, good luck. Inshallah.

 

 

* hints, as in, just say you're in. Talk plainly; it's indeed true that men don't like subtle hints and fine innuendos when it comes to these matters lest they misread them and as a consequence have their dignity injured for being seen as too eager and desperate to marry you.

Edited by Marbles

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If a girl can't talk with her parents about important things, she needs to try to fix this communication problem before she considers marriage.

It would be better if parents fixed this commuincation barrier, so their child feels comfortable discussing these issue with them. Plus even if woman tells her parents she has found someone,they will give her a hundard excauses as to why she shouldnt marry that person. So even if you confornt them you will not get what you want, thats in most cases.

We can all say we dont mind telling our parents online, but saying it in real life is another story and you have to take alot of facters into consideration before telling them.

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That's shyness gone too far.

 

By all means don't take the lead in such matters but don't forget to drop clear hints* when the guy shows genuine interest.

 

Your case is even more surprising as you were already in marriage talks through family involvement if I have read that correctly?

 

To keep your assent in mist till long after the guy made his interest clear was a bad non-move.

 

If the case is still pending, good luck. Inshallah.

 

 

* hints, as in, just say you're in. Talk plainly; it's indeed true that men don't like subtle hints and fine innuendos when it comes to these matters lest they misread them and as a consequence have their dignity injured for being seen as too eager and desperate to marry you.

 

I dropped really good hints that kind of did suggest that I was interested.

 

I told him I liked talking to him in the sense that I enjoyed his company

I used to always ask him to talk to me for longer when we had conversations over the phone

 

The only thing that lead to istekhara was my shyness. Because this was my first time, I was pretty unaware of how much someone should discuss with a guy about marriage. I mean we discussed future plans and everything that could be taken into consideration when talking to a potential spouse, and then as you become more sure of each other you share more stuff. That's how I thought it was anyway and everything seemed to be going good but he got a bit confused about his feelings. And he had pressure on him, didn't want to say yes didn't want to say no so he asked Allah which I kind of feel that he could have asked me how I felt, but it's done. All this happened because in our community the guy sends a proposal to the girl, if I could have sent a proposal to him I would have done it a long time ago myself lol

 

I did everything :(

Poor guy never got my hints.

 

And then after the istekhara I kind of did go overboard in expressing my feelings.

I was just so overcome with emotion because I had such high hopes.

In my opinion, I think the matter is still pending because I told him that an istekhara can be done more than once if circumstances change, so his answer to that was "let circumstances change and then Inshallah if Allah wills it will happen"

I also did say we could just give sadqa and go ahead with it, but he seems a bit reluctant so far. 

 

I mean I know that no one should go against an istekhara but I think sometimes istekharas can be misused. Like some good istekharas I know have turned to bad marriages. I'm just keeping up hope

I had a friend who did an istekhara for studies abroad, she got a good istekhara, she came here and things didn't go as she had planned. 

Thanks for the luck!

Inshallah good will happen :)

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I really like him and I think I would be a great wife to him coz he wants a wife who will be his slave give him everything he wants and thats exactly how i would be but the problem is he never told me he shares the same feelings and i am tooooo shy to express mine! dunno if i should forget him and move on coz im getting proposals but im rejecting them hoping that he would come forward but hes really cold so i cant tell ....answer to ur q: no i would not confess.

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I really like him and I think I would be a great wife to him coz he wants a wife who will be his slave give him everything he wants and thats exactly how i would be but the problem is he never told me he shares the same feelings and i am tooooo shy to express mine! dunno if i should forget him and move on coz im getting proposals but im rejecting them hoping that he would come forward but hes really cold so i cant tell ....answer to ur q: no i would not confess.

Him being cold as if he doesn't know how to communicate or is he cold in general? Because if he is cold in general, then get ready for a very bumpy married life. Cold men or women and those who don't or can't communicate in marriage make the worst of spouses. Warmth and articulation of our thoughts in words and letters are some of the basic traits of being a human.

I have something to say. I think a woman should PURSUE and tell a man if she wishes to marry him.

I.e lets take ME, a living example.

I got an amazing proposal for marriage. Talked to the guy but did not express my likeness for him. He expressed it frequently and me being a shy and well mannered girl felt I should wait for him to say yes to marriage, then I will say yes. THAT BACKFIRED ON ME!

He got confused. Pressure was on him to make a decision. He didn't know what to do. He did istekhara. It came bad. His decision is made.

After the istekhara I told him how I felt and he said "you should have said all this before the istekhara not now. It's done"

Then when I said lets give it another shot and talk to each other again, he said let's not force it if istekhara wasn't in favour. If Allah wills for us to happen and we are destined to be together we will be".

So this is what I am doing as of now. I am doing dua (because dua can change destiny)

Moral of story: TELL THE GUY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM because men don't get hints! It's sad but true

Yours is a bad case of istikhara. Most of the people who see istikhara for marriage without doing their duty of proper research and compatibility (kufu) matching are doing a wrong istikhara. Reason I say this is 100% of Pakistani marriages are done after istikhara. Even Sunnis see one. But then many of those marriages end up in divorces. Then they all blame Allah swt as if Allah swt wanted them to suffer in divorce. The reality is, people take istikhara as the game of chance which it is not.

OP: all females in my family have openly and boldly told their mothers of their likenesses. Not necessarily love but likeness for sure.

I guess your question meant love/likeness both.

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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I would confess to my parents but NEVER to him.

how come NEVER to him ? even after ur married & u realize he is a good mo'min person? maybe ur being too strict with urself , I understand girls should never express soft feelings with ANY man who is non-mahram but I guess with husbands it's fine & halal.

especially if ur husband tells u he loves u first.

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