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In the Name of God بسم الله

Advice Needed From Older Generation

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  • Advanced Member

u say he doesn't have time for u. where does he spend his time? there must be some commonalities between u..try to identify those common interests/hobbies and work on encouraging him to do these things with u. u need to make him feel appreciated and an extension of that would be to find out about his interest and try to stimulate conversations that way. ask him about how his day went, sympathise and lend an ear when he's stressed from work. try to engage in the activities he likes doing...u need to compromise a little. even if the effort seems one sided initially, he will appreciate and in time possibly reciprocate. have u told him, that ur intentions are not to appear cold towards his parents but that u simply don't have much to contribute to their discussions? try to make an effort to be more conversational with ur inlaws. 

 

u said he is the only one u can talk to. that can never be healthy. u must have hobbies/interests of ur own. try to engage in these in ur spare time so that ur emotional well being and socialising isn't focussed only on him. 

 

abuhadi is right, it is difficult to pass judgement/advise without hearing the other side of the story. u describe him as inflexible and more interested in friends/community than his own family. is that a fair conclusion? u need to think carefully if there things that u may be being inflexible about. its always difficult to self-criticise but if u can pick out triggers/negative habits in ur interaction with him, u r more likely to be able to resolve the issues. 

 

u will both grow and mature as u get older and ur family develops..remind him that everyone matures at their own stage. just make sure u don't grow and mature win opposite directions. 

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  • 1 month later...
  • Advanced Member

I didnt want to create another thread so i'll just update on here. And i need to get this off my chest and i dont want to always complain to my sisters or friend so i find this is the best place.

Since january we went through a good phase. We seemed to get along well but i must admit i was quite busy with other things at the time so i wasnt so much focused on him and wasnt getting upset with him over the littlest things. I have changed with his family and try my utmost to always be social when i am with them. This has also been easier to do because we do not go everyday like we used to but rather once a week or so, so when we do go i try my best to be talkative.

However the past week or two it seems to be back to square one. I feel so distant from him, when he works late he comes home in a terrible mood and i try to leave him to it as i dont want to make an issue. But to him it seems like i am the one who is in a 'mood'.

Today we finally had an argument and he was being very rude and using rude words even though the last time he did that i told him to never do it again and that he should respect me. But it seems that he used it against me because he knew it will get to me so he was extra rude more then usual.

He keeps saying that all i do is sleep and sit on the ipad. Even though thats true to some extent i do it while he is at work or out (which he always is) so i dont understand why it bothers him. The house is always clean, the food is always cooked so i know its not getting in the way of housework. I dont know why it bothers him so much when he is not even around?!

My husbands father has recently opened a new business and he spends alot of his time helping his dad when he is not at work. So he is hardly home and i have a two year old son. I get tired easily and sometimes i will nap when my son is also napping during the day.

I just feel that there is no love in this marriage, no real relationship. There is no connection of any sort, i am merely taking each day as it comes. I dont know what the right thing to do. Only Allah knows.

Edited by MummyZ
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  • Advanced Member

Men like that should learn to leave their work mood at work and not bring it to home.

From what I am seeing is his not doing his duty,you dont just marry and leave your family at home...

A man that delibratilly hurts you is not worth anything,in my view and he will continue hurting you. Your marriage seems very plain and maybe you should leave him for a couple of months and see if he changes.

M3salamaa

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He keeps saying that all i do is sleep and sit on the ipad. Even though thats true to some extent i do it while he is at work or out (which he always is) so i dont understand why it bothers him. The house is always clean, the food is always cooked so i know its not getting in the way of housework. I dont know why it bothers him so much when he is not even around?!

 

You do a lot, taking care of a 2 year old AND housework is a lot of work. You are fulfilling your responsibilities, I don't see what is the problem. Also an immature person cannot raise a child. It takes a lot of patience and other skills to raise a child, so you are not immature. You should ignore all the negative things he is telling you. I recently heard in a lecture that we need to go through heart break to get rid of our pride. When a heart is broken, it becomes more valuable for Allah. It's probably a test and you should try to be patient. Remember that Allah is watching everything and He will take revenge for you. I agree with the suggestion, you should go somewhere for a couple of weeks or a month, then he will realize how much work you do. 

Edited by Mokhtar2012
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  • Advanced Member

the issue here is not who is in the right and who is in the wrong. any ounce of suffering u go through u go through for the sake of Allah swt because u do so with the intention that u will bear hardship for the sake of ur child and ur family. that doesn't mean u live ur life miserably but it comes from a realisation that in life we all face difficulties and obstacles..in our family life, in our social life, in our work life, in our health, in our wealth etc and they are a test for us and a means for us to get closer to our Creator. as was said before, it is very difficult to judge hearing only one side of the story - I'm not doubting ur version but we all have a tendency to be bias in our reporting of events. 

 

i picked up that u said that when he comes home from work tired (u acknowledged he works long and hard hours and then sacrifices further time to help his father (something honourable as his father raised him and any support he gives his father temporarily whilst he is establishing his business, u too will benefit from that reward as the sacrifice is coming from you too)..u said when he comes home tired u try to leave him alone. perhaps u could instead try to be there for him, greet him when he gets in, perhaps he wants space to vent frustrations about his stressful day and he comes home and feels that the family home is devoid of any emotional support. by his comments that "all u do is sleep and sit on the iPad all day" it suggests he harbours resentment about the hours he is putting in at work. thats not ur fault. he chose to marry and have a family and with that comes the responsibility of providing for them but perhaps u could empathise more with his efforts. ask if there is anything u can do to help reduce his stress. 

 

perhaps in ur eyes u see that he is not worth all this attention when all u see in return is harsh words and enmity. it can't be easy. but if u genuinely want ur marriage to work, u may have to put in more effort than he does and if he is truly the man u described in ur first post, he will in time come to appreciate these things from u and would want to reciprocate. if u go down the path of "he said this" and "he did that" and "i do all this for him" then ur not going to get anywhere. sometimes, as human beings, we are blind to the beauty of the things in front of us. We are not thankful for what we have and do not appreciate these blessings. it sounds like he may be in that state where he simply does not appreciate the fact that u are also at work...raising ur child, cooking, cleaning etc. perhaps through kind words, a soft approach and a more concerted effort, he will begin to see the beauty in what he has. 

 

leaving him for a month or other kinds of drastic negative action will only frustrate him more and may turn him the other way. have u heard the story of the man in the coat? the wind was arguing with the sun, saying it was a stronger force to be reckoned with. it challenged the sun to a test to prove this. it said to the sun, whoever can make the man down below them take his coat off, is the strongest. the wind went first..it blew and blew and blew its strongest wind but every time it blew stronger, the man buttoned and gripped his coat even closer to his body. after a while, the wind gave up. it was the sun's turn, the sun opened up its rays and the weather suddenly turned warm within just a few moments, the man felt warm and took off his coat. the moral of the story is that to achieve ur goal, u don't have to fight something. instead u can work with it and a soft approach may be all that it takes. 

 

i wish u all the best..i hope it works out for you.

Edited by AR2011
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  • Advanced Member

Thank you kim and mokhtar for your replies, I dont think me going away for a while will make much difference to him. He also works night shifts some weeks and i go stay next to my family for a few nights. During this time he is hardly home and goes to his parents house when he needs anything done or food to eat, so he doesnt notice anything 'missing'.

I know your right mokhtar and ar2011 this is a test from Allah, sometimes it just seems that im wasting my life being miserable.

Ar2011 thank u so much for ur response, it makes sense what you say and i know i should be more supportive when he comes home, thats probably something i can try to work on, even though its hard to stay positive all the time.

I really like the story of the man in the coat, i will keep it in mind for the future. I also hope it works out, because i know that Allah doesnt burden a soul with more then they can bear. So i will keep praying for now. I feel better reading your responses, thank you for your time.

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  • Advanced Member

One of the single ones here just hoping to throw in my opinion. Hope no one minds. I don't know his side so I will focus on yours and I hope you know this is only constructive criticism :

 

A lot was revealed by your OP. It seems you see a loss of character or individuality if you adapt a little more to his ways. But a woman should mirror the actions of her husband, especially if they are bettering her. Being active in the community, discussing news/politics, caring for ones parents means growing up and bettering ones self. That will earn his respect. Look to him as an example and a motivation, break that barrier of "he acts older".

 

Also, you're not trying to understand his reasons. You are asking him to tell you them, but you are not trying to figure them out. He wont tell you because as he said that's some peoples characters but you should be able to pick up on it. Focus on his behavior, his facial reactions, what influenced him before that has changed now. It may be little things that you have done that has built up and caused him to be impatient. You mentioned the ipad but if he isn't home, then how does he know you're on it? Something doesn't add up. From that "nap and ipad comment" I can understand he doesn't seem to respect you and may feel you're slacking, figure out why. Maybe there is something you are over looking that is essential in his eyes. 

 

People don't avoid others (especially their wives) unless they feel they have nothing in common, or they feel that person is hard to be around. Pull him to you with your behavior, that's not just limited to cooking and cleaning. 

 

Remember your responsibility is to Allah (swt), he seems like a good person so inshAllah he will remember his responsibility as well.

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