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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Waiting for HIM

Are Women Oppressive With Their Husbands

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Br. Samii asked: Why brothers delay their marriage?

Here was my reply. I want to hear what understanding or objection you sisters have on this:

My Reason for Delaying: I do not want to be oppressed by women.

I'll Marry Only IF: I find a woman who will become my one and only permanent wife, but would also let me happily do 'timed marriages' as many and as often I would want, without creating any fuss and objections, and without disrupting ours and our kids' life.

My Rationale (hear me out please): I'm an extrovert person. I've literally hundreds of friends. Many of them are married. The single biggest reason of depression, anxiety, bad marriage life, being detached with family, committing zana in some cases, among MEN is because their wives DO NOT make themselves available sexually as often as they want. Now I don't know if its the lack of libido in women, if its the multi-tasking like they do by raising kids, by taking care of the house, by dropping and picking kids from school, cooking and all that.. which makes them so tired that it does not physically and logistically leave any room for them to make their husbands happy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sympathizing with women because modern lifestyle has made them extremely tied up in all chores that their 18 hours of their day is consumed in it. SO I"M NOT ACCUSING WOMEN. But at the same time, one of the most critical needs of man takes the backseat in this lifestyle. I know men can not function correctly without a recurring and frequent dose of sex. Hence I see so many grumpy friends talking about it in bits and pieces.... and I don't want to be one of them. Bottom line, solution of man grumpiness lies in the mentality of women, yes its physically impossible to make themselves unavailable but at least they can allow their husbands to seek other halal alternatives as long as they don't commit themselves somewhere else permanently.

... I'm not saying men should not work hard. It is men's responsibility to bring food on the table, pay the mortgage, do the car payments, afford the family travels, help out in dishes, help out in cooking, and be able to afford all those expensive international phone calls to all extended family in-laws, and still have enough left to go for yearly family visits and an occasional trip to hajj and Ziaraaat.

Now all the young sisters on this forum can get on me, accusing me of all types of conjectures, but those sisters who are already married know what I'm saying... and those who are not married yet can look at their moms and married female siblings to find out if they truly think they would be making themselves available for every other day or every day love making.

Objections, Comments, Encouragements, Pointed Attacks, all are welcome!

Please speak your mind...

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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These kind of posts are laughable. Young men, who CAN'T even find one woman or wife, spout their childish ideas regarding having multiple wives and mutas. What Sami is trying to inculcate in you youths is, get married, meaning ONE, singular, partner first then fantasies about 2-3-4- or a 100 mutas. Its practically hormones writing then any form of intelligence.

 

I couldn't agree with you more.

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Certainly some women are oppressive. However, it is ridiculous to assume that any woman married to a fully functional adult man would spend 18 hours per day working and caring for children. If, indeed, her life is that hard, what kind of cruel and selfish husband (you certainly can't call him a man) would neglect her in need and waste his time and resources having childish fun?

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Certainly some women are oppressive. However, it is ridiculous to assume that any woman married to a fully functional adult man would spend 18 hours per day working and caring for children. If, indeed, her life is that hard, what kind of cruel and selfish husband (you certainly can't call him a man) would neglect her in need and waste his time and resources having childish fun?

 

Thanks respected sister for being objective.

 

For other nay Sayers, with one brush of 'hormones write' and other such unsubstantial talk, you all have managed to solve the crisis level problems in ummah, namely:

 

1. excess of zana

2. excess of porn watching

3. excess of lewd actions

4. excess of watching/looking

5. excess of self gratification

 

..... and what Allah swt has told us in Quran multiple times, and which has been practiced by our Prophets and Aimah is just some senseless practice (asthagfirullah).

 

There is a prediction of end times; that decisions would be made by the whims of women. Most of you above, most respectfully, are living proof of this.

 

Women would never understand men. Its given, because they are not men. Allah swt, our maker knows us best. Why do we men face such a ridicule and accusations once we try to follow the true representative of Allah swt.

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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Certainly some women are oppressive. However, it is ridiculous to assume that any woman married to a fully functional adult man would spend 18 hours per day working and caring for children. If, indeed, her life is that hard, what kind of cruel and selfish husband (you certainly can't call him a man) would neglect her in need and waste his time and resources having childish fun?

What childish fun are you talking about? The husband is required by Sharia to spend his resources on feeding and clothing his wife and children. Besides this, it is his money and he can spend it however he so wishes as long as it is Halal.

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Well atleast you're honest. Sex is a need in a relationship and I understand men can become sexually frustrated if they don't have a healthy sex life in marriage, but instead of resorting to mutah, which will likely damage the relationship, have a negative impact on the children and won't fix the marriage, you can find ways into getting her in the mood..girls like to feel special, so how about reduce her stress by taking her out to dinner, go on a vacation, surprise her with flowers etc [No sis, it doesn't - I'm the observer status in 'disgruntled husbands' club. People tried but women still remained unmoved, maybe not selfish, still tired] and trust me it works most of the time. Guys need to sympathize with their wife and not dump all the responsibility and hard work on them, imagine if the man helps around the house, puts the kids to sleep (without telling his wife or asking her to help), she'll deffo appreciate it and would likely to fulfill his needs more often. 

Again, THANKS for being objective.

 

I never said that only wife is dumped with all work. Men are too...

 

... I'm not saying men should not work hard. It is men's responsibility to bring food on the table, pay the mortgage, do the car payments, afford the family travels, help out in dishes, help out in cooking, and be able to afford all those expensive international phone calls to all extended family in-laws, and still have enough left to go for yearly family visits and an occasional trip to hajj and Ziaraaat. This is also easily an 18 hours job.

 

What I'm saying is that what 'women may want in 14 days cycle', 'men may want in 48 hours cycle'.

 

We all are mature adults here, let's try solving it.. Please try not to be lopsided. I do not favor the playboy attitude either. But let's come to certain understanding. We need a solution, not another Pro-Mutah or Pro-Feminism exchange of words.

 

This thread is not about Mutah. It is about setting the expectations right and be compassionate about each other needs rather than being selfish. 

 

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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This topic is weird and sounds very immaturation. Probably because it has been started by someone who has no clue about life.

 

It assumes that all married people are sexually frustrated and it further blamed women for every single thing. Probably someone has to take this boy aside and tell him that human being can't have sex every single minute out of every single hour out of every single day out of 365 days.

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This topic is weird and sounds very immaturation. Probably because it has been started by someone who has no clue about life.

 

It assumes that all married people are sexually frustrated and it further blamed women for every single thing. Probably someone has to take this boy aside and tell him that human being can't have sex every single minute out of every single hour out of every single day out of 365 days.

 

Thanks :)... I didn't had higher expectations from most of the sisters on this topic either.

 

After all how many of you really follow Fatima Zahra (as) who suggested another woman to Imam Ali (as) on her deathbed (not that we men are such exemplary in following Imam Ali)?

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What I'm saying is that what 'women may want in 14 days cycle', 'men may want in 48 hours cycle'.

 

 

 

 

Well how do you know all "men may want in 48 hours cycle" ? You assume all men are sex addicts, what about those who naturally have a low sex drive and are lazy to satisfy their wife? What other choice does she have other than to live in a sexless marriage?

 

Well what I suggested DEFINITELY works for me lol and for other people I personally know.

 

My point being is it's two people in a relationship, not one person. Both needs to be met and Islamically a wife cannot reject sex unless she is unhealthy.

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Thanks :)... I didn't had higher expectations from most of the sisters on this topic either.

After all how many of you really follow Fatima Zahra (as) who suggested another woman to Imam Ali (as) on her deathbed (not that we men are such exemplary in following Imam Ali)?

Yh on her (as) deathbeds with young children not while she was alive for no reason other that lack of consideration and self control from her 'other half'.

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If you want to claim your right to MMM's she can claim rights as well - You will need to respect that it is not at all required of her to clean, cook, look after children night and day, etc  and you could be seen as oppressive to ask her to do so.

Edited by Maryaam

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If you want to claim your right to MMM's she can claim rights as well - You will need to respect that it is not at all required of her to clean, cook, look after children night and day, etc  and you could be seen as oppressive to ask her to do so.

 

In pure legal terms.. you are right.

 

Still doesn't solve the real issue though.

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In pure legal terms.. you are right.

 

Still doesn't solve the real issue though.

 

Only in pure legal terms?  Where would it be incorrect?  

 

Oppression of women is not a real issue?  Only in legal technicalities?

 

??

 

What about women that are sexually frustrated due to husband inability or unwillingness to perform?  I would think that is a real issue as she has no options if she stays in the marriage.

Edited by Maryaam

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What childish fun are you talking about? The husband is required by Sharia to spend his resources on feeding and clothing his wife and children. Besides this, it is his money and he can spend it however he so wishes as long as it is Halal.

Absolutely it is his money, and I am not opposed to polygamy as long as all parties are aware and none are being misused.

The OP said the wife was working 18 hours per day taking care of home and family. Either the husband is working way less than is equitable or he definitely doesn't have time for leisure even if it is halal.

Different men and different women have different levels of biological urges, and these levels vary throughout their lives. The key is to seek a spouse whose levels closely match your own.

Keep in mind that there is nothing more attractive than a man getting up in the middle of the night to change a diaper or comfort a crying child and nothing less attractive than an unappreciative spouse.

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In the objective of this thread, I believe you see women as a objects or robots to be exact. This isn't realistic. A woman simply cannot perform whenever she wants. I believes this implies to men as well. Women have more obligations than men do. She has to cook, clean, work at income job (that is if she chooses to), and take of the children. Men work a 8-12 a day shift. Your telling me he has energy to "perform" when he gets home? And a women does not have the energy after he day has ended. I believe, base on this thread, you have never been married and only creates these thread to curve your own satisfaction or deal with your problem. Repent dear brother. Please take my previous advise seriously. I truly believe the brothers section will help you

 

I really wish the married men would post in here, tell us their experience, so you will see what is real and what isn't.

Edited by DreamCatcher

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Does it make you feel good and intellectually superior to others when you be nasty to them?

I, like 99% of people on this thread, don't agree with everything the OP has said but I'm not going to belittle him or make fun of his thread. This a forum for goodness sake. If he feels a topic is of genuine concern he has every right to discuss it. If you don't believe it is, then you don't need to make fun of him. Better still, don't even comment if it's that absurd to you. Simple as that.

I don't know, I think the OP pretty much deserves it.  You don't get to say ridiculous stuff without expecting a negative reaction.  Not all men have that high of a sex drive and not all women have a low sex drive (there are many women unsatisfied with their husbands and this is not a myth.)  And how can the OP expect having multiple mutah marriages any time he wants not disrupt family life?  "Hey, how come daddy isn't here tonight?" "Oh honey, he's with his other wife!"  Women are quite a bit of work: time and money.  Most men who have a full-time job and a family simply would not be able to juggle this, not to mention what woman is interested in being an already married man's sex toy for him to use on demand (sorry, it's true.  He has implied he wants another wife for sex and sex alone)?  And as for men's responsibility financially, many women are having to take up jobs to make ends meet because the man simply doesn't make enough.  Maybe it's not ideal, but it is reality. This guy is speaking about permanent marriage with obviously no experience with it.

In the objective of this thread, I believe you see women as a objects or robots to be exact. This isn't realistic. A woman simply cannot perform whenever she wants. I believes this implies to men as well. 

It certainly does apply to men as well.  Women physically can have sex when not around, but a man HAS to be.

Edited by Fatima Hussain

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While fairy tale believing sisters in Shia Chat are accusing me of:

1. Coming from a broken home

2. Being sex starved dude

3. Being a playboy

4. Being an oppressive future husband

5. Being an testosterone exploding teenager

None of which is True by the way....

Meanwhile here's the realty of the 'real world' where men are choosing halal and haram options based on their Madhab or Inclinations:

1. UK Shia Muslims Revive Mutah http://www.onislam.net/english/news/europe/462656-uk-shiite-muslims-revive-contract-marriages.html

2. Britain's Part-time Wives http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/08/05/britain-s-muslim-communities-see-rise-in-multiple-marriages-as-career-women-seek-part-time-husbands.html

3. Egypt's Secret Marriages http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8466188.stm

4. Pakistan's Sex Trade http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kate-orne/pakistans-sex-trade-may-y_b_605113.html

5. Sex Jihad in Salafi Syria http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/10322578/Sex-Jihad-raging-in-Syria-claims-minister.html

So either SC sisters accept the reality of the real world OR Live in their lives of denial whenever (if) they ever get married or already living in a fairly tale love marriage where they think their husbands have been dumbed down by their convincing.

Thanks for a few pragmatic Islamic minded brothers & sisters in recognizing this as a real issue which needs solutions, not slandering and point scoring.

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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So either SC sisters accept the reality of the real world OR Live in their lives of denial whenever (if) they ever get married or already living in a fairly tale love marriage where they think their husbands have been dumbed down by their convincing.

Thanks for a few pragmatic Islamic minded brothers & sisters in recognizing this as a real issue which needs solutions, not slandering and point scoring.

 

So you think all men want second wives for sex?  The only solution you are presenting is men getting second wives.

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So you think all men want second wives for sex?  The only solution you are presenting is men getting second wives.

I'm not.. Allah swt is.

You are shooting the messenger (me in this case). :)

If sisters have real courage, they ought to go and fight Allah swt and his Prophet, the originator of the message.

I just proposed the method based on the solutions THEY provided us with.

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I'm not.. Allah swt is.

You are shooting the messenger (me in this case). :)

If sisters have real courage, they ought to go and fight Allah swt and his Prophet, the originator of the message.

I just proposed the method based on the solutions THEY provided us with.

Again.  Do you think ALL men want second wives? 

 

And I would rather be single that be with someone who isn't satisfied with me.

Edited by Fatima Hussain

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Again. Do you think ALL men want second wives?

Majority of my male friends complain of 'sex deprivation' at the hands of their existing wives.

I don't know what solutions they pick from below:

0. Patience and abstinence

1. Being disgruntled and depressed

2. Feeling dejected and oppressed

3. Finding a 2nd partner full time or part time

4. Masturbation and porn

5. Other perversions

6. Raping their existing wives

7. Having sex with animals

8. Zana

9. Sodomy and Gayism

10.... And what not..

May Allah swt curse the women who stop or discourage their husbands from Halal options and push them in the darkness of solitude or the filth of Iblees.

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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Majority of my male friends complain of 'sex deprivation' at the hands of their existing wives.

I don't know what solutions they pick from below:

0. Patience and abstinence

1. Being disgruntled and depressed

2. Feeling dejected and oppressed

3. Finding a 2nd partner full time or part time

4. Masturbation and porn

5. Other perversions

6. Raping their existing wives

7. Having sex with animals

8. Zana

9. Sodomy and Gayism

10.... And what not..

May Allah swt curse the women who stop or discourage their husbands from Halal options and push them in the darkness of solitude or the filth of Iblees.

 

Oh God, don't curse me.  I am sexually available to my husband even when I am not in the mood.  And why does masturbation and porn need to go together?  You can masturbate without porn. 

I really don't understand how Muslims can criticize the West when it comes to women and say things like "Islam treats women with dignity and respect" and encourage men to use women for the purpose of sex and then leaving them.  How is that different than people who have short-term sexual relationships?  Because you said magical words beforehand?  Before people get mad at me and accuse me, I am serious.  How is it different?  And what are women who are sexually frustrated suppose to do?  Get a divorce? 

Edited by Fatima Hussain

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