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Love of Islam

Broken Engagement But Positive Istekhara

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Salaam Alaikum my Brothers and Sisters in Faith,

 

I have recently endured so much pain and am affraid I am loosing my faith, and I am hoping someone out there could help me....

I got engaged to a girl on June 24th, 2013 and from that moment my life has taken a turn for the worse.  I went to Dubai for my cousins wedding and had my family set up a "meeting" with a girl and her parents.The meeting went well (better than expected) and we ended up talking for 3 hrs.  When I flew back to Canada we kept in touch via email and then moved to whatsapp.  A month later she came to Canada (she is also a Canadian Citizen) to visit family.  We began talking more and more, and I developed feelings for her.  I was confused to start off with because I never really wanted a girl who wore hijaab (she is not the type of girl I typically go for).  Our parents got a long great and everything seemed perfect.  I began getting more serious about my religion (something ive always wanted) and started reading hadith on how to choose a wife.  I began to really love her, and the fact she wore hijaab and practied her religion was something so wonderful, that I thought I found "the one".  I always wanted a wife to go to mosque with, to share experiences of Ramadhan, muharaam, eid etc.  Before we got engaged she told me she wasnt a virgin (I was upset, but I understood and could accept it, as I am not a virgin either - although I always practiced Mutah).  I inquired about her past and was shocked to learn she engaged in homosexuality.  I was so confused and perplexed as I thought this girl was the one.  I spoke to my brother and family, created a pros and con list and was still confused.  So I finally decided I should do istekhara and ask Allah to guide me for what ever is best for me.  When I made my niyaat I asked so sincerely and in tears if I should marry this girl with her past, I also quoted the Quran and asked Allah that in the Quran it says he has created mates from amongst yourself so that you may dwell in peace and tranquility (i didnt know which verse this was, but I remember reading this while I was researching on how to select a spouse) and begged Allah that is she isnt the one to please help me so I can complete 50% of my religion and seek closeness to Allah.  The mualana called me back later that day and told me my istekhara came out positive and the verse that came out was Sura Rum Verse 20-21.  The shock is verse 21 is THE SAME LINE USED IN MY PRAYER! "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." I prayed so sincerely and only asked for closeness to Allah, and I believed my prayer was answered.  I began to get more spiritual and for a brief moment was happy.  After a few weeks we got engaged, and I was so happy that I chose a girl with deen over looks (Before meeting her I only wanted a pretty woman, but when I began reading I realized that Deen should always be my number 1 choice).  We got engaged and our families were extremely happy.  We use to recite duas together, remind eachother its prayer times (this is something i ALWAYS wanted), we even listened to islamic lectures together.  However, throughout our conversations I always had a suspicion that she was hiding something from me, which bothered me greatly, as I was always open and honest to her.  After the engagement, she went back home to visit family, the day before she left I inquired about her past and found something that greatly disturbed me.  She was sexually active since the age of 13, she engaged in threesomes, she engaged in threesomes with her and two guys, and also homosexual activities.  I was hurt digusted, but still loved her greatly.  I strgonly believed in my istekhara and in Sura al-baqara it states "you may love something that is bad for you, and you may hate something which is good for you, only God knows".  I wanted to help her and accept what she has done, and toghether we can climb the ladder toward Allah. She left for Ramadhan and I used this month to be closer to Allah and ask him for stregnth to endure (I can accept a past, but hers was so hardcore that is bothered me greatly).  I prayed on the nights of Qadr for Allah to increase my faith, so that I may accept the istekhara with no doubt whatsoever.  It seemed like each day I was learning more about her, and it got worse and worse...however, I loved her and believed she had repented and only God can judge.  I accept her and endured so much because I love her and believed Allah knows best....she finally came back and things were going ok, then one day I get a call from her crying (I dont like to see her sad or cry, because throughout her past i believe she is a good person).  She told me that the door to her past is open and she is affraid it wont close...what she told me shook my very foundation...she was apparently already married...and did a sposal sponsorhip with her husband and that she is legally married....she went behind her fathers back and married him although her father said no she did not listen.  I realized that she knew this guy for 9 years and her love for him was unimaginable, and that she still loved him.  I also found out during our meetings and when she came to Canada she was still in touch with him...which broke my heart and that she was also intouch with him after our engagement.  I went with her to lawyers office to see what can be done....I helped her and directed her on how to get a divorce..i was able to except things I never thought I could, but this marriage issue was the icing on the cake and began to question her character and morality.  How she could betray her parents who gave her unconditional love and support..She also told me she loved this guy more than me....I cant marry her if shes already married, and i did not want to force a divorce on her because if she loved this guy, i just want her to be happy....I also found out that her Dad forced her out of this relationship and then plugged her with me, which I found totally unfair on the both of us, as I want a wife who loves me and only me...Skipping forward we broke the engagement, as I wanted her to take time and think about what she wants, to reflect on her past actions, and see if she wants a change.  I realized that she was with me only to make her father happy, and that her love for me developed later...I also realized that she doesnt understand how bad her sexual past is, and if you dont understand the gravity of the mistake/sin how could one truly repent?

My question is, knowing all of this why would the allmighty make me go through so much pain?  What was the point of all this?  How come my istekhara came out coincidentally the same verse I used in my niyaat while doing the istekhara?  Knowing her past I wouldnt have stuck around this long, but having faith and trust in Allah that he knows better made me stay as long as I did....I am so confused and hurt because i feel as though istekhara isnt real...i can deal with loosing love, but loosing faith and trust in Allah is so devastating...I am very sorry for the long read, but I humbly ask anyone to help me make sense of this for me...

With Salaams,

 

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Hmm, learning about all these new things about her, why don't you do a new ishtikhara (preferably from a different Moulana)? Could be that she had good intentions initially (that's why the Istikhara came out good) but some where down the road she changed again.

So, do another Istikhara. A positive istikhara doesn't mean you HAVE to marry that person. 

 

Allah is surely with the patient ones. You have a big heart to ignore some of this stuff, if i was at your position I don't think i would be able to handle it.

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It appears she was lying to you all along about her homosexuality and about her threesomes. Basically she was trying her best to make you reject her. But you kept on sticking to her till she mustered up the courage to tell you the truth that she was already married.

 

My suggestion based on my observations in life, run the other way as fast as you can.  She made some really bad choices in her life (if indeed she did; and if she didn't and was just lying to reject you, it was still a lie in an extremely disgusting taste), and its not like BAD and GOOD are not totally hidden now or ever. Even the most atheist of girls and boys I've met here know the basic human morality. Threesomes and homos.. even a monkey knows its wrong.

 

Allah showed you that Aya' because he wanted to teach you one really critical thing in Shia Islam. Hoob FillAh (Love for the sake of Allah) and Bughz FillAh (Hatred for the sake of Allah).

 

You became attached to a person because you thought she was a good Muslima. You did not love the personality, you loved the character. Allah taught you to love the character (the Muslima) and not the person (the girl).

 

You also learned to find a wife who is a good Muslima rather than a pretty face. Because 'pretty face' marriages always ... I repeat always.... end up in worst of experiences.

 

Take the above two lessons of life as a precious gift of Allah swt for you.

Pray two raka' of salat of Shukr (Thankfulness) that HE saved you from the "beautiful flower grown on the heap of trash". 

 

.... and move on!  

Salaam Waiting For HIM - Yes you are correct she was lying to me from the onset, however, she was lying that she was a virgin to me, but her homosexuality and threesomes were all true.  The way I found this out was by talking to her, and the things she would say would be contrary to what she is portraying...But you are correct that I did fall in love with her "Character", and the fact she appeared to be a good muslim girl was incredibly heart warming, which is why I thought she was the one.

I never did look at it like that, that Allah was teaching me a lesson - I know now that I do want a girl who wears hijaab (even though this experience was bad) because having a solid and true religious understanding can help cement a bond between two people.  I am going to research Hoob FillAh & Bughz FillAh because I am not familiar with this.  It is extremely hard for me to move on, because for some reason I still love her...I have blocked her on all my accounts except for email - and she emailed me yesterday claiming that she loves me, and that she wants to live a life filled with Islam and that she wants to change...all things I want to hear but I cannot trust her at all....InshAllah I pray something good comes along, because this experience made me realize one important factor: I do want to get married but to a good Muslimah.

 

Thank you brother from the bottom of my heart for helping me think about this situation in a positive light, it is honestly appreciated.

 

With Salaams,

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Hmm, learning about all these new things about her, why don't you do a new ishtikhara (preferably from a different Moulana)? Could be that she had good intentions initially (that's why the Istikhara came out good) but some where down the road she changed again.

So, do another Istikhara. A positive istikhara doesn't mean you HAVE to marry that person. 

 

Allah is surely with the patient ones. You have a big heart to ignore some of this stuff, if i was at your position I don't think i would be able to handle it.

 

Salaam awaiting_for_the.12th,

 

I originally did want to do a new istekhara and found another Mulana, but my issue is I had begun to loose faith in istekhara, and if I did another istekhara it would only confuse me more if it came out good.  What I am going to do from here on in is use intellect that Allah has given me, and hadith the Prophet (SAW) gave as a guideline on how to select a spouse.  She did tell me (and this is the few things I actually believe her in) that she prayed to Allah after her Dad said no about her husband to find someone to marry her.  I honestly believe she had good intentions thats why the istekhara came out good.  But with her constant lying, keeping in touch with her husband while I was in the picture - its hard for me to trust her.  I dont think I have a big heart brother, I just fell in love with her and believed Allah guided me to her.  You have no idea how hard it was to accept this, and how the littlest things use to trigger my emotions to the point of depression. Thank you for taking time to help me.

 

With Salaams,

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Just a warning to fellow shiachaters, it's not rare to find guys on this board coming up with wacko stories about some current or past relationships. It has happened a few times where these stories have been meant to instill pity in some people and on that basis start some kind of "relationship" (= taking advantage of someone's naivety, esp with sisters). It is also interesting that this doesn't come from random people, often enough it's the same person with a different ID that comes on the board along with a new wacko story, either to garner attention or for something more sinister. I'm not accusing the original poster of this at the moment, but please keep your guards up and don't be fooled :)

 

Also it tends to be first time posters...I guess established people here live perfect lives. 

 

Salam,

 

Its good you posted the warnings.

 

Still there is a 'benefit of doubt' that one of those members with hundred of posts is going through a situation like this and is too shy to use the same old name to post a question like this. My guess, 90% of the time  IT IS one of the repeat members of SC who starts a new ID to ask these kinds of questions. So I do reply with all sincerity in case it helps someone genuine. 

 

Otherwise why would a "SC Rafidi =  rejecter" post here for only one post ;)    

Edited by Waiting for HIM

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Just a warning to fellow shiachaters, it's not rare to find guys on this board coming up with wacko stories about some current or past relationships. It has happened a few times where these stories have been meant to instill pity in some people and on that basis start some kind of "relationship" (= taking advantage of someone's naivety, esp with sisters). It is also interesting that this doesn't come from random people, often enough it's the same person with a different ID that comes on the board along with a new wacko story, either to garner attention or for something more sinister. I'm not accusing the original poster of this at the moment, but please keep your guards up and don't be fooled :)

 

Salaam Hannibal,

 

I only came to this forum because I was too embarassed to go any where else.  I didn't want to tell my parents in fear they will loose respect for her.  I didn't want to go to anyone within my community because I dont want rumours to spread ultimatelty making her to be outcasted, and truly just want her to be happy whether its with me or not.  I usually wouldnt believe people would come on these chats to garnish symptahy - but after all this I believe anything is possible. But just to clear this up, my intention is only to try and figure out why this happened, and the reason for the istekhara.

 

Anyways thanks for help and all the best.

 

With Salaams  

 

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On the same topic, some of us men, but most of all women make a huge mistake in marrying corrupted people thinking that "I'll work to make them a better human".

My strong suggestion, never fall for this one. Specially you sisters out there.

Remember we don't want to be the parent of our spouses, they should had learned all good things from their own parents' homes, so they could transfer it and more to the next generation kids. If they didn't, it's not my fault.

I would never start my marital life (proverbial car) with a broken axel and a ripped out tyre.

I have seen countless marriages going burst with mostly girls thinking, "oh he drinks, it's ok, I'll fix it after marriage" OR "he fornicates, no problem I'll fix it after marriage" OR men saying, "she roams around without hijab, no problem, I'll fix it after marriage"... It never works that way.

You better marry a good person who stands the same ground of religious and moral practice as you are, so you both become better together and bring even better product (babies) in this world. Not that one keeps slugging along a rotten apple for the rest of his/her life.

Leave the rotten ones for other rotten ones.

OP you are welcome. Scratch her out of your heart and mind just like you would scratch out dirt and grease from your fingernails after oil change in your car :)

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Isthekhara is a very unreliable method to approach matrimonial. I know so many failed relationship of people believing in good “signs” from isthekharas only to be disappointed later on. You could have done better for yourself had you bother thinking about your relationship thoroughly. Next time, don't make marriage decision based on someone's doing an isthikara on behalf of you!

 

Everyone has gone through the pain of loving and losing someone they love. Your case isn't “exceptional” or “extraordinary”. A lot of men/women are in relationship where they think they know everything about their significant others. The truth always comes out in the end. People cannot really hide who they are by pretending to be someone else outside.

 

All I can say is: she has a very “interesting” past. She probably made some bad decisions in her life which I'm sorry to say you are suffering now. I don't see why what she did in her past should be making you sad/depressed/devastated. You didn't really have a relationship with her. She was involved with someone else and she was/is a really bad choice for you. Also, she was force on you by her father.

 

You should feel glad and relief that you are no longer under the illusion of having a pious wife and trying to live a pious Muslim lifestyle. After knowing about her past and knowing that you cannot live or tolerate that sort of “lifestyle”, you don't need to be obligated to keep up the appearance of giving her a second chance/treat her fairly/understanding. Probably it's time for you to move on.

 

The point of everything (in your life) is to learn from your mistakes. It's as simple as that.

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I wouldn't say your istikhara was "good". This was your kheira: "You may love something that is bad for you, and you may hate something which is good for you, only God knows" - judging from what happened, the former statement is more accurate. You are loving something that is evil for you.

But the whole point of performing an istikhara is to make an accurate decision on the best course of action. The OP wasn't sure whether she was the right potential. When he read this verse he naturally found the latter part "you may hate something which is good for you" indicative that God was giving him the nod. The OP interpreted the verse based on how he was feeling at the time. Why would God send an ambiguous message, especially while knowing that he would interpret it the wrong way?

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My question is, knowing all of this why would the allmighty make me go through so much pain?  What was the point of all this?  How come my istekhara came out coincidentally the same verse I used in my niyaat while doing the istekhara?  Knowing her past I wouldnt have stuck around this long, but having faith and trust in Allah that he knows better made me stay as long as I did....I am so confused and hurt because i feel as though istekhara isnt real...i can deal with loosing love, but loosing faith and trust in Allah is so devastating...I am very sorry for the long read, but I humbly ask anyone to help me make sense of this for me...

With Salaams,

 

Your problems stemmed from this false notion that istikhara means phoning some maulana and asking him whether the marriage will turn out good or not, based on some dodgy fortune-telling methods. God only knows how many good marriages have never taken place because of istikharas that have turned out 'bad', and bad marriages that have been entered into based on 'good' istikharas. The only valid form of istikhara when it comes to marriage is to pray to Allah to give you what's best for you (which as has been mentioned, He did by making you more religious), not by attempting to do some fortune telling with the Qur'an or prayer beads.

 

As Sayyid Khomeini said:

 

 

However, there are examples that people who are against Istikhara mention, such as the incident in which there was a girl who liked a young boy and in all ways, were compatible with each other, but after talking with one another, the Istikhara was performed and it came out 'bad' and the discussion ended there. Another example is about a person who wanted to purchase a house. Everything was fine and in all ways, the house was ideal ‑ he performed an Istikhara and it came out bad, so he decided not to purchase the house.

It is clear that the reply to them and thousands of people like these regarding the Istikhara (and the proper use of it), is that in instances such as these, only one who has no intelligence, who is defiant, and who does not have a correct understanding of the Istikhara would perform it in these instances.

It also goes without saying that the ahadith that have come to us with regards to the Istikhara have not promised us that we will reach our goal without any troubles or difficulties. Rather, that which has been promised is that whosoever asks Allah for good, will be granted good. If it is good for the person in his worldly life, then he will be granted his wish; and if it not, then it will be stored for him and bestowed upon him in the next world."

http://www.al-islam.org/istikhara/

 

 

As for the 'coincidence' of the verse you used in your prayer and that came out in the istikhara, how many verses relevant to your issue do you think there are in the Qur'an? It's no surprise that the maulana mentioned one of those, other than some verse on Musa (as) talking to Fir`awn.

Edited by Haydar Husayn

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I am so glad i am hearing logic and reason on this thread. When deciding who to marry, performing Istikarah in my view seems like a very unreliable method. I am sure it has it's uses...but surely you should go and marry someone based on examining them, based on logic and reason

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Assalaam Alaikum,

 

a lot of people usually make a big mistake regarding Istikhara. They believe that if an Istikhara comes back good that they will fully enjoy and only experience good things and will get absolutely everything they had desired for whilst doing the Isitikhara, THIS IS A WRONG ASSUMPTION!!!

 

When an Istikhara comes back as good for particular action, it means that it is good for that person to go on that course of action and do the deed, it DOESNT MEAN that he will necessarily get it, but he may have avoided even worse consequences had he not done it.

 

For example in the original poster's case, maybe going on this painful journey (though it did not come up like he expected) may have saved him from even worse disasters. Maybe if he didnt pursue this engagement when he did he could have been matched up in that timeline with someone with even more painful consequences which could have led to a terrible divorce and even worse consequences, the best thing for you to think of brother is that Thank God you didnt get married to her and had a child with her before all this came out, can you imagine the reprecussions then? A divorced man with a child has then VERY FEW options get remarried again as most single ladies i think would rather marry men without children and who have not had full marriages before.

 

Maybe (as you said) you weren't particular on getting a religious wife before, but now through this ordeal you have realized how important it is to have a religious wife and your own religious attitude has reawakened for the better. Now you are focused in a good direction when selecting a wife and now InshAllah you will be matched up with the best possible candidate. 

 

I know these things really hurt and can drive people insane, i believe we have all been there at one point or another, but then whenever you feel depressed like this just remember that we are not masoom and that we have all done a lot of bad mistakes in our lives, the Holy Masumeen A.S like the Prophet S.A.W and Imam Hussein A.S etc (i.e people who never committed a single sin in their lives) had to endure things like opression, slander, DEATH OF THEIR YOUNG CHILDREN etc). Just try to compare your trials with them and you will find that they are incomparable and you should come out stronger and better!

 

Lastly remember how it says consecutively TWICE in the Quran "Verily with every hardship there is ease, with every hardship there is ease", the fact that it is stated twice like that is almost like it is being Stressed to you that THERE WILL BE EASE after your hardship, so continue to stay strong and remain religious like you are now, and InshAllah a great many things are coming your way :)

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why do people feel the need to post fake stories

Assalamoalaikum.

Brother, even if it is a fake story, who cares? At least he has a question and it IS being answered. That way, people with the same question can get their answers. Answering his question isn't harming anyone. Rather, it's helping those with the same question in mind such as why did the Istekhara turn out wrong. Be a little positive, will ya?

Edited by Shian e Ali

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http://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-8-views-maraja-taqlid-and#view-ayatullah-khomeini

 

"However, there are examples that people who are against Istikhara mention, such as the incident in which there was a girl who liked a young boy and in all ways, were compatible with each other, but after talking with one another, the Istikhara was performed and it came out 'bad' and the discussion ended there. Another example is about a person who wanted to purchase a house. Everything was fine and in all ways, the house was ideal ‑ he performed an Istikhara and it came out bad, so he decided not to purchase the house.

It is clear that the reply to them and thousands of people like these regarding the Istikhara (and the proper use of it), is that in instances such as these, only one who has no intelligence, who is defiant, and who does not have a correct understanding of the Istikhara would perform it in these instances.

It also goes without saying that the ahadith that have come to us with regards to the Istikhara have not promised us that we will reach our goal without any troubles or difficulties. Rather, that which has been promised is that whosoever asks Allah for good, will be granted good. If it is good for the person in his worldly life, then he will be granted his wish; and if it not, then it will be stored for him and bestowed upon him in the next world.""

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I am on the receiving end of a 'bad' istekhara so I know how you feel. 

I have NEVER in my life relied on an istekhara although once there came a point where I had to make a painful decision and I did ask my dad if I could do an istekhara and he just looked at me and said "no" so I used my logic and intellect and trust me when I say I DO NOT REGRET THAT DECISION

I feel that we should look up to our Imams and Prophets and learn from them. They never did istekhara for marriage so why should we?

My question to many people out there would be, if istekhara is so much prescribed in Islam why do so many couples get married and have a successful marriage without doing an istekhara.

Also, from my research Ayatullah Khomeini only did an istekhara once for himself and he does not advice istekhara for marriage. 

After receiving the bad istekhara myself, I was so disheartened that I researched on istekhara like mad.

In my opinion, istekhara is being misused by many people. 

As for the OP, lets just assume he, like any other Muslim accepted the good istekhara and proceeded with the marriage, he would have suffered all along thinking "the istekhara came good, then why is this happening?"

For other people who proceed despite a bad istekhara, a small argument could result in the thought "now I know why istekhara came bad".

I have lost hope in istekhara. Allah has give you a brain so USE IT! (As for the OP I am glad you used your brain and intellect instead of just going along with the istekhara and hoping for the best)

Everyone else on this forum sees it as a good sign from Allah that the OP learned from the istekhara and everyone is looking at the good side of it. Is anyone looking at the other side, where if the OP just married the woman and destroyed his own life just because an istekhara told him to do so.

 

Lastly, I want to say: Use istekhara, don't MISUSE it because as someone mentioned above, many positive istekharas resulted in negative outcomes and maybe good marriages were broken off because of a bad istekhara.

 

After reading every post on the internet about istekhara outcome, I have personally lost trust in istekhara.

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Istekhara for marriage is such a complex issue.

 

I know of this girl and boy who were extremely compatible on all issues, and their parents were also fine with the proposal going ahead.

The girl did the istekhara before getting the know the boy - it was positive.

The boy did the istekhara at the end - after getting the know the girls personality, family thoroughly - and it came out negative.

The boys parents decided not to go ahead with the proposal. Both the boy and the girl are extremely heartbroken now.

 

One Maulana said you should do the Istekhara if you dont know the family at all.

But if its marriage between cousins, etc..then theres no need to check the istekhara because both families know each other.

 

But its confusing. Istekhara changes with time. And there are people who say, if you want to go against istekhara, then give sadaqa and go ahead with the task you want.

 

May Allah & AhlulBayt guide us all.

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